Hey Pandas, AITA For Delaying The Truth About My Relationship Because I’m Afraid It Will Blow Up Our Friend Group?

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I (24F) have been secretly seeing my coworker, Mark (27M), for a few months. It started innocently – lunches together, staying late at work to finish projects, joking around about deadlines – but somewhere along the way it crossed a line. Now we’re involved, and it’s way more complicated than either of us expected.

The biggest problem is that we share a big, tight-knit friend group, and Mark’s girlfriend is also part of that group

Group of young friends smiling outdoors, illustrating a secret relationship dilemma involving a guy with a girlfriend.

Image credits: Tim Mossholder (not the actual photo)

Our social lives are completely intertwined – birthdays, game nights, group chats, trips, you name it. At first, keeping things secret felt thrilling. I loved the little moments we had – brushing past each other in the kitchen at work, the stolen texts when everyone else was in a meeting, the quiet laughter when we were “just friends” in front of others. But now, the secrecy is exhausting.

Every time we’re around our friends, I feel this tight knot in my stomach

Group of friends sitting around a beach bonfire, illustrating secrecy in a relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend.

Image credits: Toa Heftiba (not the actual photo)

One lingering glance, one small touch, and I worry someone will notice. I’ve started picking up on little things – a friend asking why Mark and I always seem to end up next to each other at gatherings, or sending each other inside jokes that no one else seems to understand. It’s draining to feel like you have to constantly monitor your own behavior and your partner’s, and I’m getting anxious all the time.

Mark, on the other hand, wants to go public.

He says he’s ready to break up with his girlfriend and start fresh with me

Close-up of a couple holding hands secretly, highlighting a relationship with a guy who already has a girlfriend.

Image credits: Gift Habeshaw (not the actual photo)

He keeps saying that honesty is the only way forward and that hiding things will only make it worse in the long run. On good days, I almost believe him. But on bad days… I can’t stop imagining the fallout.

If we tell everyone, it won’t just be awkward – it could completely shatter the group dynamic. 

Friends will take sides, inside jokes will die, group chats will turn into debates, and parties that were once fun will feel tense and uncomfortable. 

Some of my friends have been friends with his girlfriend for years, and I can’t imagine how it would feel to tell her I’ve been secretly seeing her boyfriend

I like her. I don’t want to hurt her.

And then there’s work. Our office is small, and gossip spreads faster than wildfire. I’ve worked hard to build my reputation as reliable, professional, and drama-free. Even if nothing inappropriate happened at work, if this relationship comes out in a messy way, I know people will start whispering. I can already imagine the subtle sideways glances from coworkers, the “innocent” questions about my personal life, the quiet judgment. It terrifies me to think that a personal choice could undo years of professional credibility.

To make things even more stressful, one of our coworkers – who is also in the friend group – has started acting unusually flirty toward me at work

Young woman sitting at a table with sunflowers in a vase, appearing thoughtful about secretly seeing a guy with a girlfriend.

Image credits: Fin MacBrayne (not the actual photo)

Nothing overt, but enough to make me paranoid that they might suspect something. Sometimes I catch them lingering by my desk or making comments that feel loaded, and I can see Mark noticing too. He tells me not to worry, but it just adds another layer of pressure.

A few weeks ago, we were at a friend’s apartment for a movie night. I stepped away to refill my drink and accidentally overheard two friends whispering in the kitchen. I only caught fragments:

“…always together at work…”
“…something feels different…”

I can’t be sure they were talking about us, but the panic that hit me was immediate. I hid in the bathroom for a few minutes just to breathe before going back. When I returned, Mark gave me that look – the one that says he’s already made up his mind about what’s next.

Mark keeps insisting that transparency is the only way forward. He wants to tell his girlfriend and the group now, so we can deal with whatever happens honestly. He says dragging it out will only make things worse. I know he’s probably right logically. But emotionally? I feel trapped. I don’t want to hurt his girlfriend. I don’t want to destroy friendships. I don’t want to put my career at risk.

I’ve thought about trying to wait until we can figure out a plan together – maybe breaking it to her gently, one-on-one, before telling the wider group. But the longer we wait, the higher the chance someone else finds out first, which could make the situation even messier.

Some days, I wonder if I’m being cowardly. Am I hiding because I’m afraid of consequences, or am I genuinely trying to protect people from unnecessary pain? Am I being selfish by wanting to delay, or is Mark being reckless by wanting to go public immediately?

I love Mark, and I want to be with him, but I also want to preserve my friendships and my professional reputation

Couple embracing outdoors at sunset, illustrating secret relationship and dating challenges with a guy who has a girlfriend.

Image credits: Kenny Eliason (not the actual photo)

Every day feels like walking on eggshells – at work, in social settings, even just scrolling through group chats. I’ve lost sleep over this, replaying scenarios in my head of how people will react if the secret comes out.

So, here’s my dilemma: AITA for wanting to delay telling everyone about my relationship with Mark while we try to figure out a safer, less destructive way to handle it?

Moderator’s note

Please be aware that the images used in this article are illustrative only and do not depict the actual people or events described.

If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously, or upload it through our Bored Panda submission form by clicking here. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.

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