Hey Pandas, AITA For Thinking It’s Rude My Husband Chooses Ex’s Event Over My Feelings?
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If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
My husband and I have been married for 28 years. He was married before for about 11 years. They had a daughter who is now 40. She lives with her mother. We have a son (26) and a daughter (23).
I have a relatively good relationship with my stepdaughter
Image credits: LinkedIn Sales Solutions (not the actual photo)
It has improved over the years. It was difficult at first because she resented me and perhaps wanted her parents to get back together.
Her mother hosted a Sweet 16 birthday party for her to which I was not invited
Image credits: Robert Anderson (not the actual photo)
I told my husband that he should not have gone since I was snubbed by them. He went away, saying he wanted to be there for his daughter. I did not say anything further as I did not want to do anything to affect his relationship with his daughter.
Recently, his ex has been having a winter soup event at which she apparently serves different types of soups
Image credits: Louis Hansel (not the actual photo)
He is invited but not me. She had one today. He told me about it and that he was going this morning.
AITA for thinking that this is rude and disrespectful and that he should not go? I did not say anything to him today, but I am sure he must have picked up that I was not pleased about it. He went anyway.
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There is a HUGE difference between supporting his daughter- and - soup. I think you're entitled to be as PO'd about the soup parties as you like.
this! like his daughter will be super hurt if he doesnt go to her 16th birthday. but i think his ex wife can live with him not being at the soup thing.
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Alright I know I'm about to get downvoted for this but I guess I don't think the ex should be required to invite you. She may be jealous-- a lost marriage rankles for years after. If you have suspicions about the husband's fidelity, it's not okay. He's knowingly going to something that you don't feel comfortable about.
Yep. The only a-hole is the ex-wife!!!
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going to the birthday i can get, since its for the daughter, not the wife. but going to the soup?? why, it was his ex wifes event
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this is about more than just "soup". After that many years and 2 kids together, you've got pretty good instincts about your SO. The fact your relationship with step-daughter improved, but didn't become "great" isn't uncommon in split family situations (especially when younger half-siblings come along). Nor is it uncommon for ex-spouses to still hold a level if resentment to the new spouse - you dont say *how* you and hubs got together, so if there was some shady business in those early days, that more than explains ex-wifes issue with you, and tbh, that would explain your insecurities/concerns. The fact is, that family unit existed before you, you can't erase them, nor can you plaster yourself into the situation. I totally get feeling uncomfortable being left out, and even a level of jealousy. Maybe don't take it out on hubs, maybe carve out some time just for the 2 of you, but also find some things for just you/friends too
The sweet 16 party 24 years ago you really need to let go of. Of course he was going to his daughters party. The monthly soup party is a bit weird that youre not invited and that hes going anyway. Did he and his ex stay friends? Did you many years ago tell her you only eat fork foods? Is your country experiencing a soup shortage? Sometimes there are parties where a partner is not invited, like a "girl's night" or a work thing. You not being invited to this party that you would want to go to is a snub. If you dont want to socialize with her and everybody knows that you would cause problems at a party, thats on you.
If hubby had any cajones at all, he would tell the ex that you and your current wife go to parties as a couple, or not at all.
I feel like there is a lot more to this story than what you have shared. You jump from not being invited to the step daughter's sweet 16 to the soup events but the daughter is now 40 so there is 24 years in between these two events. I think telling your husband not to attend his daughter birthday is quite AHish, and 24 years is a lot of time to still be hung up on it but that's not the question here really. I dont think you are the AH for feeling left out of soup events also exwife is not an AH for leaving you out. She has no obligation to invite you. Husband might be an AH? But I think more information is necessary. Does the daughter still live at home? Does she attend the soup events? Is that why husband goes?
I have responded to your questions. I understand your point of view, but I disagree with you. If I had a daughter (or son) before we were married, I'd never dream of having or going to a party for the child without my husband being there. It was 24 years ago and in fact it was at a time when my stepdaughter and I did not really have a relationship. Now it is quite warm. The only reason I mentioned it is because the now annual soup-dos reminded me of when I was excluded before. There hasn't been any issue between that time and the soup-dos that started a few years ago. My stepdaughter lives with her mother.
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Info needed, did you talk to him after the previous soup parties? As for the birthday party, of course he went. You have no reason to expect to be invited to that. If you think he’s cheating, then there’s a whole other story here. Either way, communicate. Always communicate.
My husband has 2 kids, the youngest is 18 and graduates in May. Once he(the kid) graduates he(my husband) is deleting her (exwifes) number. There is no reason for her(exwife) to contact him(my husband) let alone INVITE him to things. wtf? edit: to clarify.
I have an adult child with my ex. I wish I could delete his number. Neither of us talk or one another, ever. However, we save the numbers incase of an emergency with our child. I hope nothing ever happens, but if so, I'd call the ex personally. Maybe that's just us. ?
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The relationship between a man and the mother of his child needs to be good for the child. My partner is still friends with his ex and I actively encourage that for the sake of their kids. You either trust your husband or you don't. If you don't then you shouldn't be together. Also I'm guessing there is more to this story as you've not mentioned if you and husband got together after they separated or during them being together. She also doesn't have to like you. Get over yourself.
I wouldn't care unless I was suspicious of some fires being rekindled. Other than that? Meh.
OP here, I need to clarify a few things. My husband and his ex wife separated before I met him. I had nothing to do with their breakup. I can understand why some of you may think I am TA for not wanting him to go to his daughter's 16th party. I had gotten over it until he started going to this soup thing and felt it was inappropriate for him to go. However, I can't imagine that if I had a child before we were married I would go to or have a birthday party for the child without my husband being there. Similarly, for those who think I am wrong for not wanting him to go to the soup-do, I can't imagine going to the house of any of my exes every year without him. It would feel disrespectful to me. Also, I do not think my husband is being unfaithful. Finally, for the person who says that this posting is fake, I assure you that I have not changed or made up any part of this. This is my life.
Is there some information missing here? The daughter is now 40, why is she having a sweet 16 party?
The party was 24 years ago when the daughter turned 16.
Load More Replies... The sweet 16 party for his daughter was 24 years ago. She is now 40. It says so in the post and there is no way he should have missed his daughter’s birthday just because his ex wife didn’t invite his current wife. The fact that she is still sore about it 24 years later after she has been married to him for 28 years is way more telling than the fake reason for this post. Soup.
Initially I kind of scanned this post, thought I got the gist of it, and was like of course she will not like/invite the "next-wife" and if the teen has only had a few years to get used to the new situation after growing up with both parents no wonder he is showing up there without next-wife because still settling dust. Then I read the post more closely and saw next-wife has been married to him 28yrs v first-wife 11yrs. That is not just a couple of years after the change. Daughter is 40 and next-wife has 20something kids with husband. Unless nextie and he had an affair and that is how they started and it was traumatic for original family then his behaviour seems really weird and I do not blame her for getting the hump about him going solo to "soup night". Might be worth her asking wtaf is really going on with this behaviour but make sure she is prepared for "I am going back to her" as a possible outcome. (Out there thought: he has been sidechicking first-wife for some time now)
I think u and ur husband have a very healthy relationship for he is being very honest about his relation with his ex and their daughter. Its one of those situations where everyone is right in their own way. Your husband is right as he has to be there for this daughter, this ex is right for she wants her daughter's father to be there and you are also right to feel that u should be included and ex wife is right is not including u in her own way. I think u have all the right to be upset but also just let it be as ur husband has to be there for the daughter. But ensure that the limits are not crossed.
The father should absolutely have gone to the birthday party. It would have been nice if his current wife had been invited also, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't go if she wasn't. It's for his daughter, and she didn't stop being his daughter when he re-married. However, why is he going to the soup suppers at his ex-wife's house? The only reason I can think of is that it's to see his daughter and grandchildren.
Not for supporting his child and his ex wife. He help create her and wants to be in her life. The ex wife is for a reason.
Wow. OP is overreacting massively. If she's feeling left out, well, GO TO THE EVENTS!
I don't think people like it when you crash their events.
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There is a HUGE difference between supporting his daughter- and - soup. I think you're entitled to be as PO'd about the soup parties as you like.
this! like his daughter will be super hurt if he doesnt go to her 16th birthday. but i think his ex wife can live with him not being at the soup thing.
Load More Replies... Alright I know I'm about to get downvoted for this but I guess I don't think the ex should be required to invite you. She may be jealous-- a lost marriage rankles for years after. If you have suspicions about the husband's fidelity, it's not okay. He's knowingly going to something that you don't feel comfortable about.
Yep. The only a-hole is the ex-wife!!!
Load More Replies... going to the birthday i can get, since its for the daughter, not the wife. but going to the soup?? why, it was his ex wifes event
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this is about more than just "soup". After that many years and 2 kids together, you've got pretty good instincts about your SO. The fact your relationship with step-daughter improved, but didn't become "great" isn't uncommon in split family situations (especially when younger half-siblings come along). Nor is it uncommon for ex-spouses to still hold a level if resentment to the new spouse - you dont say *how* you and hubs got together, so if there was some shady business in those early days, that more than explains ex-wifes issue with you, and tbh, that would explain your insecurities/concerns. The fact is, that family unit existed before you, you can't erase them, nor can you plaster yourself into the situation. I totally get feeling uncomfortable being left out, and even a level of jealousy. Maybe don't take it out on hubs, maybe carve out some time just for the 2 of you, but also find some things for just you/friends too
The sweet 16 party 24 years ago you really need to let go of. Of course he was going to his daughters party. The monthly soup party is a bit weird that youre not invited and that hes going anyway. Did he and his ex stay friends? Did you many years ago tell her you only eat fork foods? Is your country experiencing a soup shortage? Sometimes there are parties where a partner is not invited, like a "girl's night" or a work thing. You not being invited to this party that you would want to go to is a snub. If you dont want to socialize with her and everybody knows that you would cause problems at a party, thats on you.
If hubby had any cajones at all, he would tell the ex that you and your current wife go to parties as a couple, or not at all.
I feel like there is a lot more to this story than what you have shared. You jump from not being invited to the step daughter's sweet 16 to the soup events but the daughter is now 40 so there is 24 years in between these two events. I think telling your husband not to attend his daughter birthday is quite AHish, and 24 years is a lot of time to still be hung up on it but that's not the question here really. I dont think you are the AH for feeling left out of soup events also exwife is not an AH for leaving you out. She has no obligation to invite you. Husband might be an AH? But I think more information is necessary. Does the daughter still live at home? Does she attend the soup events? Is that why husband goes?
I have responded to your questions. I understand your point of view, but I disagree with you. If I had a daughter (or son) before we were married, I'd never dream of having or going to a party for the child without my husband being there. It was 24 years ago and in fact it was at a time when my stepdaughter and I did not really have a relationship. Now it is quite warm. The only reason I mentioned it is because the now annual soup-dos reminded me of when I was excluded before. There hasn't been any issue between that time and the soup-dos that started a few years ago. My stepdaughter lives with her mother.
Load More Replies... Info needed, did you talk to him after the previous soup parties? As for the birthday party, of course he went. You have no reason to expect to be invited to that. If you think he’s cheating, then there’s a whole other story here. Either way, communicate. Always communicate.
My husband has 2 kids, the youngest is 18 and graduates in May. Once he(the kid) graduates he(my husband) is deleting her (exwifes) number. There is no reason for her(exwife) to contact him(my husband) let alone INVITE him to things. wtf? edit: to clarify.
I have an adult child with my ex. I wish I could delete his number. Neither of us talk or one another, ever. However, we save the numbers incase of an emergency with our child. I hope nothing ever happens, but if so, I'd call the ex personally. Maybe that's just us. ?
Load More Replies... The relationship between a man and the mother of his child needs to be good for the child. My partner is still friends with his ex and I actively encourage that for the sake of their kids. You either trust your husband or you don't. If you don't then you shouldn't be together. Also I'm guessing there is more to this story as you've not mentioned if you and husband got together after they separated or during them being together. She also doesn't have to like you. Get over yourself.
I wouldn't care unless I was suspicious of some fires being rekindled. Other than that? Meh.
OP here, I need to clarify a few things. My husband and his ex wife separated before I met him. I had nothing to do with their breakup. I can understand why some of you may think I am TA for not wanting him to go to his daughter's 16th party. I had gotten over it until he started going to this soup thing and felt it was inappropriate for him to go. However, I can't imagine that if I had a child before we were married I would go to or have a birthday party for the child without my husband being there. Similarly, for those who think I am wrong for not wanting him to go to the soup-do, I can't imagine going to the house of any of my exes every year without him. It would feel disrespectful to me. Also, I do not think my husband is being unfaithful. Finally, for the person who says that this posting is fake, I assure you that I have not changed or made up any part of this. This is my life.
Is there some information missing here? The daughter is now 40, why is she having a sweet 16 party?
The party was 24 years ago when the daughter turned 16.
Load More Replies... The sweet 16 party for his daughter was 24 years ago. She is now 40. It says so in the post and there is no way he should have missed his daughter’s birthday just because his ex wife didn’t invite his current wife. The fact that she is still sore about it 24 years later after she has been married to him for 28 years is way more telling than the fake reason for this post. Soup.
Initially I kind of scanned this post, thought I got the gist of it, and was like of course she will not like/invite the "next-wife" and if the teen has only had a few years to get used to the new situation after growing up with both parents no wonder he is showing up there without next-wife because still settling dust. Then I read the post more closely and saw next-wife has been married to him 28yrs v first-wife 11yrs. That is not just a couple of years after the change. Daughter is 40 and next-wife has 20something kids with husband. Unless nextie and he had an affair and that is how they started and it was traumatic for original family then his behaviour seems really weird and I do not blame her for getting the hump about him going solo to "soup night". Might be worth her asking wtaf is really going on with this behaviour but make sure she is prepared for "I am going back to her" as a possible outcome. (Out there thought: he has been sidechicking first-wife for some time now)
I think u and ur husband have a very healthy relationship for he is being very honest about his relation with his ex and their daughter. Its one of those situations where everyone is right in their own way. Your husband is right as he has to be there for this daughter, this ex is right for she wants her daughter's father to be there and you are also right to feel that u should be included and ex wife is right is not including u in her own way. I think u have all the right to be upset but also just let it be as ur husband has to be there for the daughter. But ensure that the limits are not crossed.
The father should absolutely have gone to the birthday party. It would have been nice if his current wife had been invited also, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't go if she wasn't. It's for his daughter, and she didn't stop being his daughter when he re-married. However, why is he going to the soup suppers at his ex-wife's house? The only reason I can think of is that it's to see his daughter and grandchildren.
Not for supporting his child and his ex wife. He help create her and wants to be in her life. The ex wife is for a reason.
Wow. OP is overreacting massively. If she's feeling left out, well, GO TO THE EVENTS!
I don't think people like it when you crash their events.
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