“Ways I Work With My Wife’s ADHD, Not Against It”: Couple’s Unique System For Sharing Household Chores Goes Viral On Instagram
Almost any romantic relationship sooner or later develops into sharing one roof, and then your love must pass, perhaps, the most difficult test – the test of everyday life. Not all couples manage to pass it with honor, but everyone tries to cope with it in different ways.
This couple, Cass (they/she) and Alexa (she/her) deserve double respect – they not only managed to fix their lives, but also found the optimal solution of doing their household chores, especially considering Alexa’s chronic pain and Cass’ ADHD. And their tale really wins the internet.
These spouses have made an effective strategy of building up their life together and doing chores
Image credits: twofemmegems
“Ways I work with my wife’s ADHD rather than against it”
“If you or your partner have ADHD, we can’t recommend having a recurring family meeting enough. My wife has ADHD and they designed a template to facilitate our family meetings after recognizing that communicating randomly throughout the week about important topics just wasn’t working for us and important things were falling through the cracks. As a non ADHD partner, I love that my wife designed a tool to remedy this and make sure the mental load remains balanced between us.”
Image credits: @twofemmegems
Image credits: @twofemmegems
“If this sounds intimidating, don’t worry”
“We keep our [meetings] short and make it a mini date with takeout from our favorite spot. Intentionally aligning on our home finances and how we’ve both been emotionally, it’s been a total game changer for us. We’ve never felt more organized and aligned.”
Image credits: @twofemmegems
Image credits: twofemmegems
“I’m meeting you on the level that you’d like to be met”
“I’ve made a list of the three things I’ve requested verbally knowing that with neurodivergents, verbal is difficult. I have written them down in the order I would like them to be completed while I’m out running errands. They have a checkbox. This checkbox was hand drawn by me for you to check off and get that little dopamine hit when you complete the task. I’ve marked the first one ASAP. This is the one I’ve told you when I walk out the door, please immediately flow the dishwasher. ASAP should be interpreted as right now, not 10 minutes before I come home. This is right now.”
Image credits: twofemmegems
Image credits: twofemmegems
Image credits: twofemmegems
The partners try to set tasks for both of them based on their strengths and on being heard and understood
@twofemmegems I feel so seen and respected ✨🫶🏻 #wlw #lesbiancouplegoals #wlwcouple #adhdtiktok #marriedcouple ♬ Twofemmegems On your ADHD level – Twofemmegems
Alexa and Cass talked about the principles on which they build their home life in a series of videos on their Instagram account. According to Alexa, the first idea they came up with was to provide information to Cass in the form of lists – because it is more convenient and visual. As a result, as the original poster says, Cass is informed every day about what they have to do and has no problem getting things done.
As their second main principle, Alexa cites that Cass could forget about what food they have in the fridge if they don’t see it – so Alexa puts everything in transparent containers. Finally, the third idea – do not try to do all household chores on a ‘fifty-fifty’ basis, no matter how fair it may seem. Instead, the couple decided to make the most of each other’s strengths.
For example, Alexa performs routine tasks like laundry or dish-washing, while Cass can take on some physical labor. As a result, everyone is satisfied that they are effectively doing what is convenient for them, and in addition, both spouses feel care and love from their partner. Cass and Alexa also made it a habit to do something like a regular check-in every week to monitor the achievement of goals and set new tasks. Sounds a bit business-like, but if it works, why not?
In fact, Cass and Alexa are doing everything right. According to Gia Miller, an award-winning, New York-based journalist who covers health, mental health and parenting, in her PsychCentral column, there are eight basic home organization strategies that can help you create and maintain a clean and organized home without all of the stress. Here they are:
1. Finding the right techniques for you
2. Skirting boredom
3. Building a routine
4. Reminders can be helpful
5 Simplifying challenges
6. Treats can be treated
7. Consider sharing responsibility
8. Attitude is everything.
As you can see, the strategy described by Alexa in the video basically corresponds with most of the points listed above. It is likely that the spouses carefully approached the issue of building their home life, got acquainted with the opinions of experts and maybe received advice from psychologists – and this is perhaps the ideal concept for living together.
Many people in the comments think the same way, praising the original posters for their thoughtful and effective strategy. “As someone who has ADHD, this is awesome,” one commenter wrote. However, some people note that such principles are more likely to not work for them. “This wouldn’t work for me. I hate being told what to do. Written or verbal,” one commenter admits. On the other hand, there are no universal solutions, and nothing is a panacea, so you definitely need to look for ideas that suit you personally. Don’t you actually agree with this?
People in the comments praised the spouses for coming up with an effective strategy yet admit that this definitely won’t work for everyone
I don't get the comments saying it's "perpetuating a child/parent relationship." It seems that way because our parents were teaching us how to communicate and compromise in a relationship. So that's what we associate situations like this with. But any type of relationship is going to be about learning to work together and find a middle ground that works.
One of the sources of my past negligence: getting bossed by my short-tempered mother. It took me over three decades to realize that I should stop associating housework with nagging. I generally don't mind if my husband tells me what to do - I treat it like a reminder. He also had to adapt. At first, he was bothered when I would act instantly on his words. I told him, "It's the ADD rule: it's now or never. If I don't do it now, I'll forget." If there's a problem (such as being overwhelmed or needing something from him) I can tell him and we can discuss it.
I'm not sure this would work for me, but it works for them, so that's cool. If anyone is struggling with ADHD, one thing that was recommended to me recently was Goblin Tools, and it does things like make todo lists for you. Worth having a look at it, https://goblin.tools
I don't get the comments saying it's "perpetuating a child/parent relationship." It seems that way because our parents were teaching us how to communicate and compromise in a relationship. So that's what we associate situations like this with. But any type of relationship is going to be about learning to work together and find a middle ground that works.
One of the sources of my past negligence: getting bossed by my short-tempered mother. It took me over three decades to realize that I should stop associating housework with nagging. I generally don't mind if my husband tells me what to do - I treat it like a reminder. He also had to adapt. At first, he was bothered when I would act instantly on his words. I told him, "It's the ADD rule: it's now or never. If I don't do it now, I'll forget." If there's a problem (such as being overwhelmed or needing something from him) I can tell him and we can discuss it.
I'm not sure this would work for me, but it works for them, so that's cool. If anyone is struggling with ADHD, one thing that was recommended to me recently was Goblin Tools, and it does things like make todo lists for you. Worth having a look at it, https://goblin.tools
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