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User submission
Hey Pandas, AITA For Going No Contact After My Family Ignored My Wife’s Surgery And Treated Me Like A Wallet?
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Moderator’s note
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
Long story, pardon me for that.
I am one of 5 siblings, 3 girls and 2 boys. My parents were well educated, but my father was an industrial worker. I was very good in school up to middle school. The fall in grades occurred due to physical abuse by both parents.
My father would beat me in sessions that would last for up to an hour, with a leather strap he kept for the purpose. He often threatened to burn me with lit cigarettes
Image credits: Hill Country Camera (not the actual photo)
I got married 20 years ago, and the abuse increased. Once, I was locked out of the family home for a silly reason
Image credits: StockSnap (not the actual photo)
My wife was verbally abused for no reason — a long list of aggressive behaviours. I moved across the country, a 10-hour drive away, to escape the toxic situation.
Then, whenever I went to meet the family, I was treated like a stranger they must put up with — not included in family news or activities. My siblings were a part of this behaviour.
My wife underwent major invasive surgery; no one came to visit her in the hospital. She was alone at home in bed post-surgery as I had to travel for work. The family refused to come and stay with her, so I had to ask a friend’s mother-in-law to come over for two weeks. Practical strangers helped, while the family refused.
My entire salary was given to the family for 7 years, and 20% of my salary for 10 years thereafter to support them, yet I was still treated like an outcast
Image credits: juno1412 (not the actual photo)
I would still get demands to pay for medical expenses, which I paid — until I decided to break contact 6 months ago when things went too far.
My niece got engaged, but I was not invited to the celebrations, even though I was in town. She got married, but I wasn’t invited. I wasn’t shown pictures of the events, though I asked — they said they “forgot” to take pictures. Nothing was done to make us feel included.
They have planned a wedding party next month, but no personal invitation was given, even though there was plenty of physical contact. I just got an SMS saying we should try to buy nice clothes for an upcoming party — so that is like an indirect invitation, probably because many other people questioned our lack of attendance for previous engagements.
I have decided to break all contact with the family, as the disrespect crossed a red line. The family now complains to my wife that I haven’t called in 6 months, while no one called me to ask why I don’t call.
Certainly, we won’t attend the wedding party.
AITA for the estrangement? My family says I’m the A.
Moderator’s note
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
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What do you think ?
Jennifer Clayton 9 months ago
The hardest part of cutting off my a*****e parents was admitting that they don't love me. Almost as hard, convincing myself it isn't my fault they don't love me. You need to protect yourself and your family from these monsters. You will absolutely get burned every time you run back into that fire. I understand the urge, it's hardwired in our brains and bodies to seek love from our parents. But they sickened that connection until it died. Save yourself. Or your self esteem will go so far down you'll stop wanting to be saved.
Vinnie 9 months ago
Giving up on people can be hard, but necessary. Grieving the end can be complicated and hard, but it is still better than maintaining the relationship.
Load More Replies...
LilliVB 9 months ago
He waited even too long. I would have cut contact as soon as possible with the parents because of the abusé and subsequently I would have cut contact with the siblings after the first pair of times that they have excluded him. What good are they to his happiness and mental health if they are just all downright toxic.
Vinnie 9 months ago
Easy answer: go ahead and break off with your biological family. Long list of why they're the problem: They treat you like an annoying stranger. Your father was physically a.busiv.e; your family commited financial ab.use. No one has shown remorse. It wouldn't surprise me if they invited you to a party only because of what other people think - which would mean that they care far more about explaining your absence than about keeping a connection with you.
Nils Skirnir 9 months ago
Get a dna test. They may not even be biological family
Load More Replies...
Eastendbird 9 months ago
The saddest part is listening to the list of terrible, ab,u,sive things the family did to them and they are still asking if they would be wrong to cut the family off. I am NOT blaming the LW AT ALL for this. This is what years of toxic behaviour and words from the family has done to them. We are so bombarded with propaganda about "but it's your faaaaamily" that this where it leaves us. You want them to love and respect you, but everything they've done shows they don't - that's NOT YOUR FAULT. Protect yourself and your family, cut them off.
CartoonCasey 9 months ago
Long story? With a grand total of 453 words?. I've used more words to complain about my food order on Uber Eats. But it doesn't matter, because it is very clear what has happened. The author wasn't part of a family; they were part of a cult. Not a beloved child, but a punching bag and a money maker. A cult where obedience above all else is demanded and nothing is reciprocated. The only difference is that instead of being brainwashed, they were born into it and know nothing else. They shouldn't contact the cult, they should contact authorities and a good psychiatrist.
Michelle C 9 months ago
I had to go through something similar with my mother...I was always treated as the black sheep. I told her that if after 43 years she still can't manage to really love me and still hold me responsible for her wrongs then she can stay out of my life. Before I did that I was on multiple medications for depression and anxiety, had issues with alcoholism and d**g use. I hid it very well from my daughter and co-workers. It was killing me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I went though a moment where I almost died and after I recovered I finally was like I can't do this anymore. I addressed everything that caused me pain starting with my mother. We don't speak much anymore and are just cordial when there's a family situation that requires everyone to gather. It hurts, but it was necessary and I'm now sober and happier
Nimitz 9 months ago (edited)
ALWAYS go NC with a*****e family. I did, after decades of trying to forgive and bridge the gap I gave up, moved across the country, and went NC. Best decision of my life. I've met about a dozen people who also did the same thing none of us one have any regrets. If people have you to the point where you're thinking about doing it, my advice is don't hesitate. Do it. You will feel so much better once you do.
JB 9 months ago (edited)
Sorry, I’m having trouble with your tale. You say you and your wife live 10 hours away from your family but: 1 there’s plenty of physical contact… how does that work? 2 you don’t say if your parents are retired. If they are, expecting your mom to come to the other side of the country to support your wife, who you say they actively dislike, seems naïve. If they work, seems even less likely she would drop everything to come support someone that, again, she doesn’t like. Anyway, odd discrepancies aside, your family has already cut you off, except for wanting/demanding your money. I suggest you ask your wife to block all family members numbers so they can’t get in her ear. You do the same and just live your best life. I KNOW it’s hard! I had people chirping at me that I “couldn’t go no contact” with my abůsive mother because “she’s the only one you have”, “you’ll regret it if she dies and you didn’t reconcile”. This includes siblings who were irate that I could be so self centred. It’s been ~30 years; no regrets. I have literally no idea where she lives and doubt I’ll find out when she shuffles off. Doesn’t matter; I grieved her loss 3 decades ago.
person (i think) 8 months ago
You have been mistreating yourself and your wife by keeping them in your life for as long as you have. Your family sounds horrible. :(. I am really sorry you have had to deal with that. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING!!! Seriously, repeat to yourself: YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING! Cut them out of your lives. They will _never_ be there for you or your wife because they only care about themselves. Please do not give them financial assistance. It is just another aspect of their abuse if you. You deserve more
Lisa the 7th 8 months ago
Maria Virginia Narcos, his wife didn't abuse him. His wife was verbally abused by his parents/family.
cuety kids 9 months ago (edited)
Easy answer: go ahead and break off with your biological family. Long list of why they're the problem: They treat you like an annoying stranger. Your father was physically a.busiv.e; your family commited financial ab.use. No one has shown remorse. It wouldn't surprise me if they invited you to a party only because of what other people think - which would mean that they care far more about explaining your absence than about keeping a connection with you.Click Here
Beth Wheeler 9 months ago
No way I would have been paying anything for them for that long being treated like that. The ATM of me is out of order permanently! Your socalled father should have been put in jail for the abuse. It sounds like your whole family hates you except for your bank acct.
Just Another Karen 9 months ago
NTA! i cut contact with my mother because she’s entitled, chaotic, and only cares about what’s good for her — period. she had 3 kids she couldn’t be bothered to take care of. told us to "go play with friends" so she could have s3x (yes, she actually said that, repeatedly). we only mattered when she wanted to show off to her friends: "oh, this is my daughter — she’s so great, a psychologist, studies so hard!" meanwhile, she skipped my childhood birthdays to be with her men, refused to breastfeed us because her b00bs were "for her guys," and lied/manipulated her way through life. that’s not the kind of person i want in my life, so… yeah, i’m waaaay better off without her. my dad and grandparents are all I need. <3 we need to understand that "family" and "relatives" are two different things. doesn't matter who they are, if they hurt you, if they don't care about you, if they make sure you are not included and so on, the best thing is to leave them behind. RECIPROCITY!
Asmodeus Hare 9 months ago
Assuming US or Canada. Most European countries do not have 2 hours of driving distance much less 10.
Load More Replies...
Jennifer Clayton 9 months ago
The hardest part of cutting off my a*****e parents was admitting that they don't love me. Almost as hard, convincing myself it isn't my fault they don't love me. You need to protect yourself and your family from these monsters. You will absolutely get burned every time you run back into that fire. I understand the urge, it's hardwired in our brains and bodies to seek love from our parents. But they sickened that connection until it died. Save yourself. Or your self esteem will go so far down you'll stop wanting to be saved.
Vinnie 9 months ago
Giving up on people can be hard, but necessary. Grieving the end can be complicated and hard, but it is still better than maintaining the relationship.
Load More Replies... LilliVB 9 months ago
He waited even too long. I would have cut contact as soon as possible with the parents because of the abusé and subsequently I would have cut contact with the siblings after the first pair of times that they have excluded him. What good are they to his happiness and mental health if they are just all downright toxic.
Vinnie 9 months ago
Easy answer: go ahead and break off with your biological family. Long list of why they're the problem: They treat you like an annoying stranger. Your father was physically a.busiv.e; your family commited financial ab.use. No one has shown remorse. It wouldn't surprise me if they invited you to a party only because of what other people think - which would mean that they care far more about explaining your absence than about keeping a connection with you.
Nils Skirnir 9 months ago
Get a dna test. They may not even be biological family
Load More Replies... Eastendbird 9 months ago
The saddest part is listening to the list of terrible, ab,u,sive things the family did to them and they are still asking if they would be wrong to cut the family off. I am NOT blaming the LW AT ALL for this. This is what years of toxic behaviour and words from the family has done to them. We are so bombarded with propaganda about "but it's your faaaaamily" that this where it leaves us. You want them to love and respect you, but everything they've done shows they don't - that's NOT YOUR FAULT. Protect yourself and your family, cut them off.
CartoonCasey 9 months ago
Long story? With a grand total of 453 words?. I've used more words to complain about my food order on Uber Eats. But it doesn't matter, because it is very clear what has happened. The author wasn't part of a family; they were part of a cult. Not a beloved child, but a punching bag and a money maker. A cult where obedience above all else is demanded and nothing is reciprocated. The only difference is that instead of being brainwashed, they were born into it and know nothing else. They shouldn't contact the cult, they should contact authorities and a good psychiatrist.
Michelle C 9 months ago
I had to go through something similar with my mother...I was always treated as the black sheep. I told her that if after 43 years she still can't manage to really love me and still hold me responsible for her wrongs then she can stay out of my life. Before I did that I was on multiple medications for depression and anxiety, had issues with alcoholism and d**g use. I hid it very well from my daughter and co-workers. It was killing me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I went though a moment where I almost died and after I recovered I finally was like I can't do this anymore. I addressed everything that caused me pain starting with my mother. We don't speak much anymore and are just cordial when there's a family situation that requires everyone to gather. It hurts, but it was necessary and I'm now sober and happier
Nimitz 9 months ago (edited)
ALWAYS go NC with a*****e family. I did, after decades of trying to forgive and bridge the gap I gave up, moved across the country, and went NC. Best decision of my life. I've met about a dozen people who also did the same thing none of us one have any regrets. If people have you to the point where you're thinking about doing it, my advice is don't hesitate. Do it. You will feel so much better once you do.
JB 9 months ago (edited)
Sorry, I’m having trouble with your tale. You say you and your wife live 10 hours away from your family but: 1 there’s plenty of physical contact… how does that work? 2 you don’t say if your parents are retired. If they are, expecting your mom to come to the other side of the country to support your wife, who you say they actively dislike, seems naïve. If they work, seems even less likely she would drop everything to come support someone that, again, she doesn’t like. Anyway, odd discrepancies aside, your family has already cut you off, except for wanting/demanding your money. I suggest you ask your wife to block all family members numbers so they can’t get in her ear. You do the same and just live your best life. I KNOW it’s hard! I had people chirping at me that I “couldn’t go no contact” with my abůsive mother because “she’s the only one you have”, “you’ll regret it if she dies and you didn’t reconcile”. This includes siblings who were irate that I could be so self centred. It’s been ~30 years; no regrets. I have literally no idea where she lives and doubt I’ll find out when she shuffles off. Doesn’t matter; I grieved her loss 3 decades ago.
person (i think) 8 months ago
You have been mistreating yourself and your wife by keeping them in your life for as long as you have. Your family sounds horrible. :(. I am really sorry you have had to deal with that. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING!!! Seriously, repeat to yourself: YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING. YOU OWE THEM NOTHING! Cut them out of your lives. They will _never_ be there for you or your wife because they only care about themselves. Please do not give them financial assistance. It is just another aspect of their abuse if you. You deserve more
Lisa the 7th 8 months ago
Maria Virginia Narcos, his wife didn't abuse him. His wife was verbally abused by his parents/family.
cuety kids 9 months ago (edited)
Easy answer: go ahead and break off with your biological family. Long list of why they're the problem: They treat you like an annoying stranger. Your father was physically a.busiv.e; your family commited financial ab.use. No one has shown remorse. It wouldn't surprise me if they invited you to a party only because of what other people think - which would mean that they care far more about explaining your absence than about keeping a connection with you.Click Here
Beth Wheeler 9 months ago
No way I would have been paying anything for them for that long being treated like that. The ATM of me is out of order permanently! Your socalled father should have been put in jail for the abuse. It sounds like your whole family hates you except for your bank acct.
Just Another Karen 9 months ago
NTA! i cut contact with my mother because she’s entitled, chaotic, and only cares about what’s good for her — period. she had 3 kids she couldn’t be bothered to take care of. told us to "go play with friends" so she could have s3x (yes, she actually said that, repeatedly). we only mattered when she wanted to show off to her friends: "oh, this is my daughter — she’s so great, a psychologist, studies so hard!" meanwhile, she skipped my childhood birthdays to be with her men, refused to breastfeed us because her b00bs were "for her guys," and lied/manipulated her way through life. that’s not the kind of person i want in my life, so… yeah, i’m waaaay better off without her. my dad and grandparents are all I need. <3 we need to understand that "family" and "relatives" are two different things. doesn't matter who they are, if they hurt you, if they don't care about you, if they make sure you are not included and so on, the best thing is to leave them behind. RECIPROCITY!
Asmodeus Hare 9 months ago
Assuming US or Canada. Most European countries do not have 2 hours of driving distance much less 10.
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