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50 Most Hilarious Things Court Reporters Have Ever Recorded In Court
Nobody would like to end up on the wrong side of the court hearing (or any side at all), because your life belongs solely to the decision of a judge and the work of your lawyer. But what if your lawyer is nothing like Saul Goodman and more like a babbling schoolgirl?
Despite the seriousness, courtroom drama, and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book of court records called “Disorder in the Court”.
From witnesses taking questions literally to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of problems, these funny court cases really happened, and they’re just too good not to face the judgment of the internet. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list of funny court transcripts, and vote for your favorite entries!
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#1
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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#2
LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man-- WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
#3
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Nausicaa Alkistis 9 years ago
Unless the attorney knows things about the witness. *creepy background music*
What is a Case That Became Famous for Its Epic Moments in the Courtroom?
When discussing court cases that have gripped the public’s imagination with unexpected twists and turns, the 2022 defamation trial between Amber Heard and Johnny Depp undoubtedly tops the list.
This legal battle between two high-profile celebrities was an authentic courtroom drama that turned into a cultural phenomenon, blending funny courtroom testimonies and surreal moments.
The case, revolving around allegations and counter-allegations of abuse, was filled with court quotes that sounded almost too crazy to be true.
#4
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
#5
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.
#6
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
What Colors Are Best to Wear to Court?
While navigating through the funny things said in court, we couldn’t help but wonder what one should do to make a good impression in front of the judges.
Your outfit is undoubtedly something to keep in mind, so we took the liberty of researching the best colors to wear when you’re in the courtroom spotlight, and here’s what we found.
- Navy blue and dark gray: These colors are top choices for a reason. They convey professionalism, reliability, and respect. Navy blue, in particular, is often associated with trustworthiness and calmness, qualities you’d definitely want to project in a court setting.
- Light blue and soft greens: If you’re aiming for a more approachable and calm demeanor, consider softer shades like light blue or green. These colors can suggest that you’re peaceful and cooperative, potentially putting the courtroom at ease.
- Black and white: Black is a classic choice, symbolizing formality and seriousness. However, it can sometimes be seen as overly somber or harsh, so balancing it with a white shirt or blouse can soften the look.
- Neutral tones: Beige, cream, and other neutral tones are safe choices that convey a sense of simplicity and honesty.
- Avoid bright colors: Among the many things “Modern Family” series taught us is that flashy and bright clothes might be too distracting and inappropriate when under judgment. You want the focus to be on your words and actions, not your fashion statement.
Remember, it’s not just about the color but the overall appearance. Well-fitted, conservative attire generally works best in a court setting. The key is to appear respectful and composed, and your choice of color plays a significant role in this.
RELATED: Lawyer Posts Hilarious Legal Tips Based On Things That Actually Happened During His 19 Year Practice
#7
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
#8
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
#9
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
#10
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral…
#11
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
Marlowe Fitzpatrik 9 years ago
Maybe the picture was TAKEN, as in stolen? I know, I'm reaching here, but ... could be
#12
LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
#13
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid
#14
LAWYER: What happened then? WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' LAWYER: Did he kill you? WITNESS: No.
#15
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
#16
LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? WITNESS: I only have one, you know.
#17
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan!
#18
LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like? WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask. LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask? WITNESS: Er...his face.
#19
LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? WITNESS: Yes, sir. LAWYER: What did she say? WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'
#20
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
#21
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
#22
LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? WITNESS: The victim lived.
#23
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
#24
LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?
#25
LAWYER: Are you married? WITNESS: No, I'm divorced. LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.
#26
LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name? WITNESS: Borofkin. LAWYER: What's his first name? WITNESS: I can't remember. LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? WITNESS: No. I tell you, I'm too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!
#27
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years.
#28
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Vlad Horobet 9 years ago
That's a pretty TIGHT question. I wonder if the attorney is CLOSE ENOUGH to find the answer.
#29
LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased? WITNESS: Yes sir. LAWYER: Before or after he died?
#30
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
#31
LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears? WITNESS: Picking them up in the air. LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time? WITNESS: Attached to the ears.
#32
LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Maike Weidner 9 years ago
this is... just so senseless...do they get paid by the amount words they are using?
#33
LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? WITNESS: No.
#34
LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life? WITNESS: Not yet.
white widow 9 years ago
well... this was just playing smart... it is a legitimate question, as in, have you lived here since you were born? i don't find it as funny as the others.
#36
LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?
#37
LAWYER: And what did he do then? WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead. LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
#38
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
Adriana E. Henricy 9 years ago
Also, isnt this from Hot Fuzz? the movie directed by Edgar Wright with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost? second in the Cornetto trilogy? where Pegg asks this kid (at a bar) when was his birth-day, and he answers this.
#39
LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing? WITNESS: I could see his head. LAWYER: And where was his head? WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.
#40
LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.
#41
LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house? WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet. LAWYER: Can you identify the rifle? WITNESS: Yes. There was something written on the side of it. LAWYER: And what did the writing say? WITNESS: 'Winchester'!
#42
LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Shauday Smith 9 years ago
do you have any children or elderly or any other humans in any state of development?
#43
LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir. LAWYER: And you took your new wife?
#44
LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
#45
LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything? WITNESS: After the accident? LAWYER: Before the accident. WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
#46
LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
#47
LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently? Officer: Yes, I do. LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar? Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
#48
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
#49
LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty? WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
#50
LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned?
Between things lawyers say and hilarious testimonies, we hope you got some genuine laughs from this! Now, it’s your turn to weigh in—drop a comment with your favorite moments from the list and upvote the ones that tickled your funny bone the most.
What do you think ?
Mark Smallman 9 years ago
Personally while some might be slightly doctored I can imagine these sorts of questions being asked.Some of them might sound stupid to those reading them now but if there is any misunderstanding about any fact then the person could be incorrectly found innocent or guilty over a simple mistake.
Dida Vasic 8 years ago
When I was on court (divorcing) judge asked me "Can you tell me from the beginning, when all started?" My answer was "About 14 billion years ago, there was a big bang."
Mark Smallman 9 years ago
Personally while some might be slightly doctored I can imagine these sorts of questions being asked.Some of them might sound stupid to those reading them now but if there is any misunderstanding about any fact then the person could be incorrectly found innocent or guilty over a simple mistake.
Dida Vasic 8 years ago
When I was on court (divorcing) judge asked me "Can you tell me from the beginning, when all started?" My answer was "About 14 billion years ago, there was a big bang."
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