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Marriage can survive a lot, but sometimes the years of sacrifice leave wounds that neither partner realizes are there. When couples grow up together, have children young, and spend years putting their family ahead of themselves, resentment can replace the closeness they once had without them noticing.
After 15 years of marriage, this man was blindsided when his wife told him she no longer loved him romantically and only wanted a platonic relationship. He was ready to fight for their marriage, but but his wife couldn’t even explain why she had fallen out of love, leaving him wondering how their marriage had gone from young burning romance to a bland coparenting arrangement
More info: Reddit
RELATED:
A lasting marriage takes more than raising a family together; couples have to keep nurturing each other too
The poster and his wife had been together since their teens and built their entire life around their kids
After years without intimacy, his wife admitted she no longer saw him as a romantic partner
Therapy uncovered a painful resentment she had been carrying since becoming a mom at 19
He refused to become a convenient co-parent and started treating their marriage like the roommate arrangement she wanted
Image credits: themachucajr
His sudden distance shocked his wife and made her realize just how much she had taken him for granted
The Original poster (OP) had been with his wife since they were teenagers, and after 15 years of marriage, they had built a life around their two children. But for about 3 years, their relationship had slowly fallen apart, with intimacy disappearing and the two of them becoming more like roommates. They tried individual and couples therapy, hoping they could find their way back to each other.
Instead, his wife told him she was no longer “in love” with him and only saw him as her best friend. She still loved him, she said, but only in a completely platonic way, and she had no desire for any form of intimacy. What made it even harder was that she couldn’t explain why she felt this way, only saying she had built up resentment toward him.
For the narrator, it was devastating to feel like the person he loved now viewed him mainly as a convenient co-parent. During therapy, the wife finally admitted she was angry about how much of her life had been consumed by having children and getting married so young. The husband also told his wife he couldn’t accept a marriage where he was to be everything else but her romantic partner.
The poster decided to stop chasing her, became more independent, stopped automatically fixing her problems, and even proposed separating their finances like actual roommates. The woman was furious, but the change clearly got her attention. Within days, she started seeking him out more, becoming upset by his emotional distance.
He admitted that staying distant was painful because he still loved her, but he also realized he couldn’t keep carrying a marriage that only one person was fighting for. They continued couples therapy with no guarantee of reconciliation. Whether they rekindle their marriage or eventually divorce, the OP said he finally felt at peace knowing he had stopped settling for a relationship that left him feeling unwanted.
Having children can change the rhythm of a marriage, especially when couples stop making space for each other. Psychology Today notes that parenting can leave partners exhausted, disconnected, and focused so heavily on the children that their romantic relationship starts taking a back seat. That sounds remarkably close to what happened to the poster and his wife after years of putting their kids first.
That distance can become broader when one partner starts carrying years of frustration that never gets properly addressed. Experts warn that putting the children’s needs above the marriage can eventually create resentment and emotional distance between partners. In this case, the poster’s wife’s vague admission that she resented him may have been about everything she felt she had sacrificed along the way.
Once a couple starts functioning more like roommates than romantic partners, rebuilding that connection takes effort. Greater Good from UC Berkeley explains that parenthood can bring a significant drop in marital satisfaction, depending on how couples adapt. For this couple, therapy became an attempt to reconnect as partners or discover whether they had become just coparents.
Readers were divided, but many understood why the husband refused to accept the roommate marriage indefinitely. Some felt his wife had checked out years ago, while others thought her resentment was deeper than she could explain. Do you think his approach gave their marriage a real chance or was divorce already inevitable?
Commenters debated whether his approach could save the marriage or was just delaying divorce
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What do you think ?
Tabitha 1 day ago (edited)
OP and his wife are just going through the usual stuff that happens when you’ve been together for a long time. Attraction ebbs and flows, especially if you have children—-and I wonder just how much OP contributed to the raising of their kids. Was the lion’s share of the burden put on his wife? Because that is a huge contributor to her resentment of him. At 19, she was stuck being pregnant and raising a baby before she was ready, obviously. He got to continue ie doing his thing at work while she was stuck at home e with a newborn and a permanently changed body. Does she bear all of the mental load in the family? Does he know his children’s blood types? Clothing and shoe sizes? School and extracurriculars schedules? When the next PTA meeting is? Quiz him on that to see how much he is in his kids’ lives, and you may have an answer to the root of her resentment toward him. I bet he’s blissfully unaware of how much of the real responsibility for the family he has just dumped on her. It is difficult to be attracted to someone who goes through life thinking the mountain of details just take care of themselves, when the reality is that it’s his wife making sure the family runs smoothly and those details are worked out. Believe me, it is incredibly difficult to be intimately attracted to someone who, for all intents and purposes and aside from income, has made himself into just another child for me to pick up after, cook and clean for, and keep of track of scheduling appointments for. None of that was mentioned here. All we have is his voice, and none of hers. It would be very eye-opening to hear from OP’s wife, and see what her side really sounds like. I do believe a lot of the comments trashing her would be retracted when those commenters are enlightened with her side of the story, and the amount of mental load she’s carrying—-and has been carrying since she was 19.
FluffyDreg 1 day ago
This is a very good idea and I suppose it would come to light. Although the fact being presented that after being told they will have a roommate relationship- she asked him for personal help and wasn't thrilled that he refused...
Load More Replies...
Rae Black 37 minutes ago
One thought kept coming to me while reading this, she sounds like she may be starting perimenopause. Libido and the desire for intimacy can go right out the window. There's no set age, of course, and many women start in their mid-30's. It can also cause depression, which, if she hasn't been taking care of herself, could be exasperating the situation. I feel for both of them, it sounds like they have a good family, I hope it works out.
nm 1 day ago
Unfortunately I didn't know the 180 method back in 90s, when we got divorced. There was no internet at that time. Probably it would be an eye-opener for my ex, who was taking life decisions based on her sentiments and not brutal reality. She asked later to return back, but with her own terms. No, thanks.
Binky Melnik 2 hours ago
The internet began in 1969, so yes, the internet existed in the 90s. ☺️ Those of us who used it lived in the newsgroups, which was where we went to get and give advice. The online systems at the time, like CompuServe, were crazy-expensive; my account was sponsored, which saved me $24.95/hour (😳😳😳), making that account my most-prized possession by FAR!
Load More Replies... Tabitha 1 day ago (edited)
OP and his wife are just going through the usual stuff that happens when you’ve been together for a long time. Attraction ebbs and flows, especially if you have children—-and I wonder just how much OP contributed to the raising of their kids. Was the lion’s share of the burden put on his wife? Because that is a huge contributor to her resentment of him. At 19, she was stuck being pregnant and raising a baby before she was ready, obviously. He got to continue ie doing his thing at work while she was stuck at home e with a newborn and a permanently changed body. Does she bear all of the mental load in the family? Does he know his children’s blood types? Clothing and shoe sizes? School and extracurriculars schedules? When the next PTA meeting is? Quiz him on that to see how much he is in his kids’ lives, and you may have an answer to the root of her resentment toward him. I bet he’s blissfully unaware of how much of the real responsibility for the family he has just dumped on her. It is difficult to be attracted to someone who goes through life thinking the mountain of details just take care of themselves, when the reality is that it’s his wife making sure the family runs smoothly and those details are worked out. Believe me, it is incredibly difficult to be intimately attracted to someone who, for all intents and purposes and aside from income, has made himself into just another child for me to pick up after, cook and clean for, and keep of track of scheduling appointments for. None of that was mentioned here. All we have is his voice, and none of hers. It would be very eye-opening to hear from OP’s wife, and see what her side really sounds like. I do believe a lot of the comments trashing her would be retracted when those commenters are enlightened with her side of the story, and the amount of mental load she’s carrying—-and has been carrying since she was 19.
FluffyDreg 1 day ago
This is a very good idea and I suppose it would come to light. Although the fact being presented that after being told they will have a roommate relationship- she asked him for personal help and wasn't thrilled that he refused...
Load More Replies... Rae Black 37 minutes ago
One thought kept coming to me while reading this, she sounds like she may be starting perimenopause. Libido and the desire for intimacy can go right out the window. There's no set age, of course, and many women start in their mid-30's. It can also cause depression, which, if she hasn't been taking care of herself, could be exasperating the situation. I feel for both of them, it sounds like they have a good family, I hope it works out.
nm 1 day ago
Unfortunately I didn't know the 180 method back in 90s, when we got divorced. There was no internet at that time. Probably it would be an eye-opener for my ex, who was taking life decisions based on her sentiments and not brutal reality. She asked later to return back, but with her own terms. No, thanks.
Binky Melnik 2 hours ago
The internet began in 1969, so yes, the internet existed in the 90s. ☺️ Those of us who used it lived in the newsgroups, which was where we went to get and give advice. The online systems at the time, like CompuServe, were crazy-expensive; my account was sponsored, which saved me $24.95/hour (😳😳😳), making that account my most-prized possession by FAR!
Load More Replies...
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