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Man Goes Against Wife’s Wishes And Cooks His Mom’s Favorite Meal For Celebration, Drama Ensues
Sharing a meal with one another during the holidays reinforces our sense of belonging and demonstrates that nobody’s left out. Because of this, refusing to consider your family members’ dietary restrictions or preferences might run counter to the atmosphere you’re trying to create.
Such was the case for Reddit user Alarmed-Delay-1926. His wife decided to model their Thanksgiving dinner after every tradition she remembered and made it clear she wasn’t going to accommodate his mom’s wishes at all.
RELATED:
A man’s wife agreed to invite his mom for Thanksgiving, yet refused to include her favorite meal
Image credits: Steven Lilley (not the actual photo)
So he made it himself, but she found it insulting
Image credits: Alarmed-Delay-1926
His mom has always served both turkey and ham for Thanksgiving herself
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
Whether it’s politics, your love life, or food, sometimes it seems that fighting is inevitable during family get-togethers
“All it takes is one look, one complaint, or that one comment to set off a conflict the family knows all too well,” says Vienna Pharaon, a family therapist and author of the bestseller The Origins of You: How Breaking Family Patterns Can Liberate the Way We Live and Love.
According to her, there is a lot of “unresolved pain” that originates in families and then is reactivated during these rare moments when everyone is together.
Resentments and disappointments can be carried from generation to generation.
“Families are these unique relationships that, despite the passing of pain, still carry the expectation that the relationships continue to be maintained,” Pharaon adds.
“So people dance around everything that’s unresolved over and over again, often trying to put on a happy or cordial face, until the pain finds a way to rear its head, which it will.”
How to prepare for a tense family dinner
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Think about how these meals have gone historically instead of idealizing how you would like them to go. The therapist suggests doing these four things in advance to give yourself some peace of mind.
1. Cook up a canned answer. You likely know exactly what is going to set you off, so prepare a response that lets you engage without accelerating the conflict.
“Can you expect a certain uncle to make a comment that’s going to ignite something within you?” Pharaon says. “Plan for how you’ll respond. What’s going to offer you the most amount of peace in this experience? Whatever that answer is, build around that.”
Often there is no point in arguing.
“Getting hooked into the chaos is not healing,” she explains. “Trying to change a person’s mind who is committed to not changing is a waste of your energy and peace.”
2. Do something relaxing beforehand. Take some time to yourself before heading into the whole thing.
Even if it’s something as simple as taking a shower, allow yourself time to regulate your nervous system.
Going into the meal with a calm mind can lengthen your fuse.
3. Enlist the help of a sibling. Prior to arriving, ask a sibling or partner (provided they’re not the source of the tension) for support should conflict arise.
Some ways to do this include asking: Could you back me up if I say we can’t talk about that? Can you help by introducing a new topic? There might be a time when I get overwhelmed and want to go and take a walk — can you go on a walk with me?
You can even come up with a code word or gesture that signals you want them to interject.
4. Set a boundary. Call your family ahead of time and express which topics you’d like to avoid. An example script could be something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m really excited to see you. I’ve been looking forward to having time with everyone. I’d really love if we didn’t talk about the election. I’d love to hear what’s happening in your life. I’d love for us to connect around other things in our lives.”
You can also set a time boundary if you feel like that is what’s best for your own sake.
When the dinner starts, you can soothe yourself by:
1. Taking a walk. Think of the activities that help you regulate your emotions on a daily basis. Maybe it’s going on a walk or quickly texting a friend. If you can’t get up and leave, practice doing some breathwork or meditation.
“Take care of yourself first,” Pharaon says. “Don’t worry too much about managing the emotional experience of others. I know, easier said than done when it’s a role you’ve taken on your entire life, but do your best to tune into yourself and care for you in the best way you can.”
2. Telling them you won’t engage. Sometimes we tiptoe around our emotions or needs, but addressing them head-on might be more effective. If a topic triggers you, say something, Pharaon adds.
“If things start to get tense you can say the following: ‘This isn’t going anywhere productive, I’m going for a walk. We’re clearly upset, I’m done having this conversation. I feel differently than you do; thanks for sharing your opinion, but I don’t agree. I’m not interested in arguing.’”
If the conversation continues, excuse yourself to get a drink or some air.
“When things are unresolved in a family system, there’s a dysfunctional dance that likes to take place,” Pharaon says. “Think about your part in that dance.”
Redditors shared their takes on the situation
Image credits: Monstera Production (not the actual photo)
What do you think ?
Tyke 2 hours ago (edited)
Unless the wife doesn't allow ham for religious reasons, it sounds like they're both being petty idiots. And using "oh it's normal for MIL and DIL to hate each other" is almost as bad as "boys can be boys". My husband's not around, my MIL is on her way for me to help her fix her phone. When my kid was young she suggested parenting in certain ways, I said no, she respected that. I respect that she doesn't eat much meat so do her fish when she comes over. It's not that dàmn hard to compromise.
LilliVB 4 hours ago
I wouldn't put up with neither of them. Both mother and wife sounds like insufferable children throwing tantrums. I would refuse to engage in whatever celebration or gathering unless they start to behave like functional adults.
Michelle C 1 hour ago
If ham at Thanksgiving causes this much of an uproar I can't wait to hear what happens when a real problem arises!
Tyke 2 hours ago (edited)
Unless the wife doesn't allow ham for religious reasons, it sounds like they're both being petty idiots. And using "oh it's normal for MIL and DIL to hate each other" is almost as bad as "boys can be boys". My husband's not around, my MIL is on her way for me to help her fix her phone. When my kid was young she suggested parenting in certain ways, I said no, she respected that. I respect that she doesn't eat much meat so do her fish when she comes over. It's not that dàmn hard to compromise.
LilliVB 4 hours ago
I wouldn't put up with neither of them. Both mother and wife sounds like insufferable children throwing tantrums. I would refuse to engage in whatever celebration or gathering unless they start to behave like functional adults.
Michelle C 1 hour ago
If ham at Thanksgiving causes this much of an uproar I can't wait to hear what happens when a real problem arises!
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