6 Y.O. With Special Needs Has Tent Nobody Can Enter As Her Safe Space, Guests Are Upset That It Was Put Up In The Living Room
When a kid has special needs, it’s not only the parents that have to adapt to what their condition requires to make them feel comfortable, but everyone who comes into contact with them. But not everyone may understand the sacrifices and the special treatment the parents give to the child and it can affect relationships.
A mom experienced it firsthand and wondered if she was doing too much after her siblings left the Christmas dinner and berated her for allowing her special needs daughter to have toys in plain sight but not share them with other kids.
More info: Reddit
Guests were bothered that the foster mom of this girl with special needs put her toys in front of other kids but didn’t allow them to touch them, so they let her know it was rude
Image credits: Thandy Yung (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) is a mom to a big family. She has 4 biological children between the ages of 17 and 9 and a 6-year-old foster daughter, Emily, that has been living with them for a year now.
It is not said what condition Emily has, but she has special needs and the most dangerous manifestation of it is when the girl gets overwhelmed. She then will hide and make it very difficult to find her, especially because she can squeeze herself into small spaces.
The author of the story and her husband are foster parents to a 6-year-old girl, Emily, and have been for the last year
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
The solution the parents found was to create a tight safe space for their foster daughter so that they could control it, which was a tent. Nobody else is allowed in there and the girl can go inside whenever she needs to calm down.
Emily understood the purpose of the tent and if she didn’t feel right, she would go inside instead of locking herself in somewhere where the parents couldn’t see. Also, it was put up in the living room as the mom and dad had a good view of it regardless of whether they were in that room, the kitchen, dining room, or laundry room.
When the girl would get overwhelmed she would squeeze herself into small spaces and it would be difficult to find her
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
The tent wasn’t a problem most of the time; actually, it was a relief to the parents and an indication that something was wrong, allowing them to react. But it became the object of a family fight when OP hosted Christmas.
The adults weren’t bothered by the tent themselves, but those who had kids were confused as to why the woman would put it in the living room. It was distracting as the kids wanted in and wanted to play with the toys inside, so it upset them when they were told that they weren’t allowed to touch anything.
There were other toys to play with that Emily agreed to share and the youngest of the biological children also didn’t mind his relatives playing with his toys. But OP’s siblings were commenting that she shouldn’t have put a tent full of toys in the living room and not allowed children to touch it.
The tent was already discussed even before the guests arrived, but the mom explained again that it was Emily’s safe space, not only mentally but physically as well, because the parents could see what she was doing.
So the parents decided to create a safe space to go to calm down that they could easily monitor and used a tent for it
Image credits: Curtis Adams (not the actual image)
The general consensus of the family was that OP was being rude and was taunting the kids. The woman’s parents thought that it would be better if they hosted future holidays to avoid Emily having a tent.
When it seems that nobody’s on your side, even if you thought that you were doing the right thing, it could plant some doubts. But it’s easier when you are just an onlooker and redditors believed that the mom was just doing what was best for her daughter and her siblings should teach their kids boundaries, because even small children have the brain capacity to understand what ‘no’ means.
The tent was placed in the living room as it was the most convenient spot but guests that came over for Christmas didn’t appreciate that it was put there
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Parents of children with special needs are often seen as ‘difficult’ not only by professionals in education but, as we saw from the example in the story, by family members as well. It is because they require more than parents with typical children and make them adapt to their circumstances.
The judging is caused by ignorance because people don’t realize that children with various disabilities or disorders have more needs to live comfortably despite them not having any obvious outside signs. Treating them like you would treat a typical child will be more harmful than useful in the long run.
It was because the tent was full of toys, but Emily didn’t want to share them or for anyone else to come in, so other kids were upset
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
For example, if parents ignore the fact that their child has autism, “children may not develop competent skills with regards to learning, speech, or social interactions. Adults who have not received appropriate treatment may have trouble living independently, may be unemployed, and may struggle with relationships.”
It’s not just social life that is affected but the disorder keeps altering the brain: “Untreated autism causes changes in brain function that make it more difficult for the person to control impulsive behavior or think rationally about their actions before they act on them.”
Which in turn made their parents upset and they accused the mom of taunting the kids
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Other common reasons why a child has special needs are because they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, Down syndrome, cerebral palsy or epilepsy. Ignoring each of these conditions may lead to serious consequences.
Which is why parents do what they can to make sure those needs are met and others may think that they are exaggerating or that their child is just spoilt. But Shawna Wingert, special education teacher and mom of two boys with different special needs, reassures that this is not the case.
If a child has autism, their main accommodations will be social and “Social accommodations are more likely to be perceived as spoiling because the need is not as obvious as the child requiring a wheelchair or hearing aids. Your child has clearly shown us that he needs help to function in certain situations. You are accommodating him so that he can interact with and engage in the world as much as possible. That is not spoiling him. That is helping him. That is being his mom.”
They believed there was plenty of room to put the tent in a different part of the house, not listening that the mom needed to have the girl in sight
Image credits: u/fosterdaughterten1
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
The OP wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when you have a special needs child and what her guests showed was that they don’t believe their children are capable of sympathy for those who perceive the world differently.
But do you think this situation could have been handled differently? Do you think the OP’s parents offering to host Christmas will solve this issue? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Some guests left after dinner, showing their disapproval, and readers showed their disapproval towards them for not teaching their children boundaries
How awesome that some people are at least looking out for Emily. That family sound ignorant. She's in a foster home for a reason, I doubt she's had it easy.There were also other toys, but they weren't good enough apparently. Why would you want to take away the one thing that makes her feel safe? Just because you can't be bothered to parent your children, and teach them that they can't have everything they want. We all know who those children grow up to be.
As an abuse survivor, I recognized her need to hide in stressful situations. No doubt that was the only way she could try to keep herself safe in her previous situation. Her foster parents are angels and the siblings are absolutely TAHs
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If the parents knew about the tent beforehand ( and it sounds like they knew it existed, but not that it was in the living room) they should have informed their kids about it and that it was a no go zone. And as a tent with closed flaps that can zip, its not like the toys were just staring those kids in the face and "taunting them". The kids ( with the possible exception of the 3 year old who might be too young to get it) need to learn that certain things are off bounds. This mom did a great job of providing a safe space for Emily. I would not be taking her to holidays at the parents house though since they clearly don't want her to have her safe space and holiday gatherings with tons of people are stressful.
I agree, we wouldn't go to the parents' house because it sounds like they refuse to understand the role the tent plays in Emily's safety, mental health, and general well-being. The family seem to view this tent as a toy rather than a piece of equipment that a special needs child uses. I wouldn't take her around people who are comfortable removing her safety net. They are just cruel.
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NTA. At. All. Like Ginny Weasley commented, since the visitors knew in advance the tent would be set-up - regardless of where it was - they should have explained beforehand that it was off limits. I would still include the 3 y.o. in there. When my oldest son started crawling around, I told him my Mason jars were off limits. Same with my books. I had other stuff more interesting for him. TA would be the extended family including the grand-parents.
The fact that Emily has special needs is irrelevant. If the host says a certain area is off limits for guests, then the guests should respect that. The reason it's off limits is irrelevant. Her family were total AHs for not respecting OP's and Emily's boundaries.
It takes special kind of people to foster. And to foster special needs kids is exemplary. These people are wonderful. They are doing exactly the right things for Emily. Other visiting children could be encouraged to bring their own toys. Then see who shares! I think the tent is a super idea. And if it's in the living room so what? You do you in your own house. I have cat litter boxes in my living room. Don't like it? Don't visit. So many things could have gone right during that family occasion if only everyone had just been a little more patient and understanding and less judgmental. Kudos to this amazing foster family.
So stupid. If you're a guest and there's an area the host says no, or something you can't touch, you just don't. I just hosted a middle school party for my daughter, and I was shocked that kids will just go and pull things down without asking or open things. Also, most elementary schools now have spaces like that tent, it's common knowledge about kids like that. Such entitled behaviour. Parents need to say NO
Don't know why you got down voted so here's an upvote. I 100% agree with you here!
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Child psychology 101. It is necessary for children to have a "quiet time place" for their mental health. It is a safe place they can go to in order to remove themselves from normal family chaos and noise. I had a quiet time place in my classroom as art class can have a lot going on especially with anywhere from 1 class to three classes at a time in my room. If a child was feeling overwhelmed they could go to the desk behind a divider panel that was soft padded fabric. It blocked the noise and the visual of kids in active lessons. They knew it was not punishment. It was a voluntary safe zone. As far as them having toys that other kids don't get to play with that is good too especially for children in the foster system where even they may have had to leave everything behind. In a family there should be toys that everyone plays with and ones that are special and only for that child. How would you feel if everything in your house was not yours? These rules go for adults too.
I have a three year old sister that even understand no means no. They aren’t entitled to anything that isn’t theirs.
Just don’t go to the Christmas gatherings that aren’t at your house so that Emily will be able to have her tent as a sage space still. Your siblings and parents are AHs for trying to just snatch Emily’s sanctuary and safe space from her. Your family needs to STFU…
Some parents are so entitled. Seriously. Why do they have to be briefed? Are their kids allergic to tent? They have to be able to parent their children in adverse circumstances and reach boundaries. What a bunch of aholes
"Are their kids allergic to tent?" is the best thing I've ever heard, thank you for the laugh. But I agree, why do they have to be briefed? Can they not just accept "No" as an answer? I think the only time a parent should brief another parent is when a child is going on a trip (I went on a family camping trip and my aunt invited a little girl with us and the parents decided they didn't need to tell us she wet the bed).
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This could have been an opportunity for the siblings' children to respect someone else's needs and to learn empathy. This is on the parents--if they can't direct their children's behaviour, that's their problem, and they are failing their children by teaching them to be entitled brats. Hooray to the OP--they sound like great fosters.
Yikes. This family is terrible. OP is definitely NOT the AH! I think that's an awesome idea and I wish that more parents would teach there kids about other kids who have disabilities so that things like this could be more normalized and those kids can grow up to respect children who are different and have special needs. If that were me and my kids I would have explained this to my kids before we even got there. Not even about the tent per se but in general that Emily has special needs and that you need to be mindful of her things and her space. It's her house and we are guests so we need to be courteous and respectful. I don't rmr if OP said Emily is on the spectrum or not. But I'm guessing she might be... so this isn't just a child who doesn't like to share. Even if I didn't know about the tent I would still go over this with my kids just based on my knowledge of ppl on the spectrum. Also, she's a foster kid.... that's a difficult thing for a child to go thru. The least she deserves..
Is a safe place that is all hers where she can feel safe and comfortable while getting used to all of these new people who she doesn't have a relationship with and while they're in her home where she deserves to feel safe. Why are adults so fucken ignorant about these things dude. It's great your kids don't have special needs... but that doesn't mean you're exempt from being respectful of those who do. You're responsible for raising kids who aren't a******s.... why would you act entitled to another child's things and then teach your kids that they're entitled to things that they were specifically told werent theirs to play with or touch? Ppl like that aren't ppl who should be parents if they can't even understand the first rule of raising kids.... which is raising good ppl who respect others.
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Wow, adults who are jealous of a special-needs child. Just......wow. Have they never heard of the word "no," and its proper usage? Also, the matriarch of the family wants to host the next future holidays, "so Emily won't have her tent." This would be an excellent time for OP to find somewhere else to be during those gatherings. Emily's needs take precedence over lazy, entitled "parents" whose children will probably follow in their footsteps.
Gonna guess OP is the black sheep of their family considering the rest of them including her POS mother live by "everything is mine".
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I absolutely believe you did the right thing. It is our responsibility to keep our children safe and give them security. That’s exactly what you did. Your siblings need to be berated in private about how ignorant they are towards a special needs child’s safety and security. I’m shocked they weren’t more supportive towards you and Emily. My family would have been supportive towards this and would have made sure all the kids understood the rules and why. NTA
Boudaries. The visiting adults should learn to set boundaries. They can be explained but they need to be set. These kids need to learn frustration tolerance. You wouldn't let them play with things that are precious to you either.
`My parents agree that it was super rude and want to host future events so Emily won't have the tent` WTF?????? NTA
This is a prime example of parents poorly parenting their children and promoting entitlement at an early age. Explain to your child that is Emily's special place when she's in a not so happy place. It helps her and can not be shared. There are other toys available. Simple solution. Your siblings are totally wrong. Teaching your child how to interact with others is a major part of parenting. No your child isn't entitled to someone else's things. No you can not guilt someone into contributing to the promotion of entitlement. You and your husband are really good foster parents. Emily is lucky to have people like you in her life. Every child deserves to feel safe. Your siblings owe you and Emily an apology. Her mental and emotional health matters. As adults they should be ashamed of themselves for wanting to compromise that baby's sense of safety.
I think a lot of people are missing something hear. OP's parents took OP's siblings' side. It sounds like OP learned something on her own that the parents did not teach. You keep saying that the siblings should be teaching their children something evidence (parents taking siblings' side) suggests they were not taught themselves. It's difficult to teach something you yourself were not taught.
Load More Replies... Wow I was a teacher and if we had SEN students in the mainstream classes who had differences that were visible, we explained these to the other students and they understood perfectly fine! Adults often had more of a hard time (in schools often the teachers who you wondered why they were teachers because they seemed to hate kids!?) accepting and understanding so I bet the kids had no issue once they were told why and it was the parents who had an issue. Plus OP told them in advance! Thank god Emily has loving foster parents who are doing all they can to make what sounds like has been a traumatic short life, easier and safer now!
NTA I assume you will not be going to any events at their house where SHE can't have her safe space, horrible siblings and your son was nice to share his toys
NTA at all. The tent shouldn't be considered a toy - it's an access requirement for a child with additional needs that keeps her from hiding in ways that are dangerous. The foster parents should be applauded for finding a way to meet Emily's needs that keeps her safe from harm. Everyone in the family complaining about it is an AH. The worst thing is, most of the complaints are from adults; I'd bet that most of the kids would have been fine had they been given a basic explanation of the purpose of the tent. This smacks of entitled parents who think their little darlings should have access to everything, and grandparents who refuse to acknowledge things that "weren't a problem when they were raising kids."
NTA In my professional business I speak on what I call "Special Abilities". I live with Epilepsy and Dyslexia. I work with introverts, extroverts - the gamit. We all have our special abilities. I cannot stand anyone who assumes that: She won't notice, they are just kids...If you just let her see how the other kids play, she will be fine....I had a friend of a friend who had Epilepsy.......I can go on, you get the drift. This could have been a real teaching moment for the ADULTS for their CHILDREN, in Emily's HOME. Creating an inclusive loving environment for her as she grows, instead of placing a question in her head, that she is too young to process, of what happened. When you consider you have something to learn from everyone you meet, your life becomes very enriched. You are killing it! Thank goodness she has you and your family! I am so grateful and do not take for granted the incredible, loving support I have! Her Special Abilities will shine bright! I have no doubt!
NTA. As a parent of adoptive kids, these children from difficult backgrounds need a safe place to be, which is sounds like the OP is doing. Often, though, these kids get is trouble and therefore need to be kept in line-of-sight, which means an adult needs to be able to see where the kid is all the time. That's why allowing the kid to have something in a bedroom away is not safe for the kid. I wholly encourage the OP to continue to do what they're doing, and they may just need to teach their family members how special needs kids with a bunch of emotional baggage need to be cared for.
NTA As another foster parent with a tent in my front room for the exact same reason, I ll die on that hill with you because it's my son's safe place it would be like removing all the doors in a house because letting other people have access to your belongings is more important thant keeping people out.
NTA. The kids should learn how to respect other people's personal space and how to deal with being told "no"
I'm never going to understand why adults demand children share special things with other children. Everytime I hear an adult say this to a child I ask if I can borrow something they love. Then point out the hypocrisy when they say no
I have this gut feeling that the kids were mostly likely listening to their instructions not to go into the tent, and it was their parents coaxing them to go play in the tent. I've seen that happen plenty of times before, and all too often, adults have the hardest time respecting other people's property or space. For example, a lot of my husband's family seem to not want the responsibility of watching their own kids while spending holidays out, so they allow them to run wild and get into whatever, with the excuse, "They're just kids." So, what may have happened is that they saw the toy-filled tent as a sort of "babysitter." I also accept being wrong here, it's just something I've witnessed in the past. All-in-all, this family needs to learn some compassion and patience for this poor foster girl and her special needs.
As the mother of a child on the autism spectrum, I totally would have done something like this for him if he required it. I wouldn't give a good damn who liked it or not. This is why you have to be able to tell people including family, to get out of my home if you don't like my rules. I don't care if you're 9 or 99. She let people know what to expect and they still want her to upset a child they all know who is having issues. I'd never host their selfish selves again.
NTA. The fact that everyone in the external family is being severely unempathetic is sad af. Smh, if someone says they have a safe space which no one else is allowed to enter it doesn't matter what it is, what is in it, or where it is if it isn't endangering them or anyone else. Your family needs to learn some respect.
I hate to have such a******s for family members! WTF is wrong with them? Even toddlers can understand that there are things that don't belong to them and shouldn't be touched.
So these adults refuse to teach their children that sometimes there are situations that are tempting but you still have to resist, life isn't all about them, and people don't always have to like the rules but the rules are there none the less; they are bad parents.
Extended family often don't get it. They are unlikely to allow Emily's mom to accommodate her at their homes. Check back in a few years and Emily's family will probably be celebrating holidays at their own home because the extended family will not budge or will continue their hostilities. That's a common outcome.
I'm an ABA Therapist and I work with children with autism on a daily basis. I also grew up with a brother with special needs and have spent pretty much my entire life surrounded by kids and adults with some sort of special need. If they found something that stops her from eloping and helps her to feel and be safe than her cousins can get over it. Her safe space is for her and that might be a hard lesson for kids to learn, but they have to. They sound like amazing parents and I hope they adopt her.
If anyone tries to tell OP YTA, I will personally bludgeon them with a salmon.
Kids are NOT entitled to anything but love, food, shelter, and safety. Period. Good job...you are doing a GOOD JOB..
Wow. Its wonderful to hear about good foster families. It would have been very good for Emily to experience having an adult in her corner, supporting and protecting her. With this kind of continued support hopefully one day she wont need her tent. I am sorry your family are AH. I wouldn't expose my children to family members who did not respect their personal space and boundaries and would skip any further family events until that was clearly understood.
NTA. It was the other parents' opportunity to teach their children a valuable lesson about understanding and compassion and they blew it. Also, children should be taught they aren't entitled to everything they want. Unfortunately the other children only learned pettiness from their parents.
Why am I certain the grandparents and siblings would not have been anywhere near as bothered if Emily had been the couples' biological child and nota foster child? Shame on them!
It's simple. My kids and I are invited to someone else's home (even family) and there's no go and no touch areas/items, I make sure my kids don't go and don't touch. It doesn't matter what the reasons are. My kids and I would be guests in the home. These parents sound amazing and I'm glad they stood up for Emily and her safe space.
Awesome! Sunny Day, you're officially famous! 🤩
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I'll bet that there's also some unspoken resentment on the extended family's side about a special needs child that's "not family" getting priority over "real family". This family is lovely, but surrounded by toxic in laws.
NTA, The younger kids wouldn't be able to fully understand but 4 1\2 and up should've just listened the first time when you said no and told them why, the adults were just compete ah it's not ops fault that they don't want to teach their kids.
I would just keep repeating "Maybe you should go home" until they went home.
To protect Emily I would've moved the tent to her room just for that day. I would be worried about 3 year olds touching it, or getting in it etc. which would be a violation. Like violating Emily. So I would've protected the sacred space that day, knowing kids can be jerks. And it can't feel all that safe if your tent is in the middle of a whole bunch of people. Emily needed a quieter safe space this holiday.
It doesn't work like that - like Busy-Hamster2204 said in their reply to the article, moving a safe space (even temporarily) can basically break the relationship with that particular space and can break trust. By moving the space for guests, you're basically telling a small child that their needs and safety are less important than visitors in their home. That can be quite damaging for a child with a history of trauma or who is Autistic - and in Emily's case, given the OOP documented her tendency to hide in places that might not necessarily be safe, it's dangerous to mess with her established safe space. Move the tent and she would likely revert to the previous behaviour, and then you have to start over again. And chances are, she wouldn't trust them not to take that space away again for the next guests in the home.
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NTA. Your family sounds like a bunch of spoiled rotten, obnoxious people. They come to YOUR house, try to walk all over Emily's needs, they're too afraid to tell their children no about anything, it sounds like. You explained it to them beforehand too. So what is the problem guys? You can't be bothered to let a poor child with problems have her space to herself because it makes her safe? You can't simply explain to your kids that they can't just go grabbing anything they want and sometimes there are boundaries? I have a word for you people. You don't go into someone else's household and tell them how it's done. You've shown disgusting behavior towards this little girl and you're not doing your own children any favors either. GROW UP. I have a child with autism. They require certain accomodations in life. He needs his rocking horse. NEVER has my family come into my home and demand their children ride his horse, and you'd best believe I will put it in whatever room I please.
If they want their kids to have a tent and toys, why don't they set one up too?
Yes. They knew she had a tent. Take your own tent and toys with you or, like someone said in the comments, just make one under the table with a plaid.
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As someone with autism that needs a safe space myself, it really pisses me off how her siblings were acting. It's really important to have a place to hide when you're overwhelmed as someone with special needs. If they can't understand that then they need to grow up and be a better example for their own children. What a good mother for standing her ground.
Missy. WOW! Sorry you had to go thru that. You are a Super Star! Keep taking care of Emily and doing what she needs and she will be ok! God put you in her life for a reason! If your family can't deal with that that is there problem and not yours or Emily's. God Speed!
"Guests" like this are intolerable. They think they can come into your house and then "run it". I was the same way as this little girl (emphasis on 'little') when I was 2 to 6 yrs old, and guests and said 'guest's' children would create dissension just because they wanted to see how much "bad child shaming" it would take to make my mom haul me off to my room for the 'You are acting like a spoiled brat, none of the other kids act like this, everyone thinks you are terrible' talk. And, of course, the final nail in the coffin the 'I'm embarrassed to call you mine' talk. I was two to five yrs old! Guests like that are just intolerable. They should be "bad guesr" shamed! And FYI, I'm on the autism spectrum, too, but I just found this out last year, and I.m 57 yrs old. I still bear emotional scars from all the years of my mom telling me I was terrible, and that most people must hate me, or dislike me the way she did. Ironically, everyone loved her and thought she was this good, sweet lady, and she was, until it came to me and my social "differences", which she thought were something I could control, or 'relearn", but just didn't want to try. And believe me, I did try., eventually matriculating into normal society, but still at a great cost to my mental well-being. Then, to not have her see that change and still telli me these things when I became an adult, just damaged me more. This little girl is lucky to have found these foster, hopefully soon to be adoptive, parents.
Why am I sure that the siblings and grandparents would not have objected at all or as strongly had Emily been the couple's biological child and not a foster child? Shame on them!
NTA. This just angers me so much. OP has found a safe place for Emily to go when she feels overwhelmed. They did the right thing. The other kids need to learn that "no means no." What is it with entitled kids who feel they should have access to everything in someone else's house. Plenty of other toys in the house to play with. But NO, they absolutely must have what they're told they can't have. AH siblings of OP can do their jobs and teach their kids some manners and respect.
NTA, honestly, she's trying to accommodate for the child for her unique needs and if this were a child who wasn't like that, then it might be felt as favoritism of that child above others. I don't really see that in this situation. Besides, the other children would get their own toys, etc so it's not like they're getting neglected. It's okay to have a safe space if needed and help others become more understanding of the child's disability. Just my understanding of it...
All adults, or any one adult, could have sat down and played with the kids to teach them and model the desired behavior. Problem solved.
Definitely not the a*****e, but her family is. She put Emily's safety and comfort first and there's nothing wrong with that.
At ages 3-10 children are old enough to understand the tent and special toys for the little girl. But it became the forbidden fruit. I don’t want to play with anything but those toys. I would imagine since grandma and grandpa were there they all had some new toys to play with. Your family all had a responsibility to talk to their children about Emily and her special needs and why the tent and her toys were her safe place. They should have supported your efforts in including her in the holiday but also giving her safety. The alternative was she hid all day. At the next holiday party, I would be packing up the tent and toys and taking them with me so Emily still had her safe spot and the other children get used to this modification she uses. When my daughter had birthday parties she had a hard time sharing her new toys. So we agreed she could pick out two that we would put up and she only had to share the rest. It was a good compromise most if the time.
NTA, i had health problems as a kid, but totally understood word 'no' and logic, can et those kids did too
DEFINITELY NTA. Good grief even the dogs get a 'safe space' in their crate these days. How much more should a CHILD get a safe space that is still within sight, so TRULY safe. Are the cousins so young that their parents cannot explain the need your child has for this space that is THEIRS but the OTHER toys are for everyone.
definitely NTA, but maybe for a next occasion this issue could be easily resolved by making sure the other kids have a tent to play in as well, so no one feels left out, it is quite hard to explain to a 3 year old why they cannot play in a tent full of toys. Your siblings on the other hand are TA, they are adults and should understand and better yet support you in making a safe space for Emily!
Next time they can set up a second tent for the guest children to play with.
And the sad thing is I can still see the kids whining "but we want THAT one", necause it's not offered to them.
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"You're free to host all the parties you like, of course. But either we won't be there, or we'll leave as soon as Emily becomes distressed--which might not take long, in a new and stressful environment. Have fun without us!"
NTA. Your siblings and parents are though. You should have told your parents and siblings, 'your house, your rules' and they're welcome to leave if they don't like it. Then show them the door.
This just irks me to my very core. Your house. Your rules. And bravo for those rules. Making your child feel safe and secure st all times- is a priority. And one you took seriously. Who cares where the tent was?! I'll put the dang tent in the doorway and my family would use a diff door. No issue. This 'family' of yours who had issues and was bothered by this- ugh- idk. Next time one came over w a new purse or nice piece of clothing - I'd say: how rude- u know I can't afford thst and you're parading it in front of me! Wait for them to respond and just cross my arms and give thst smug a*s look! Clearly- I'm bothered by this. Lol I have a 'unique' child and his older brother is so wonderful w him! Everyone is. If someone had an issue- i would pack their meal up in a Togo box- and they'd just have to GO!
NTA. It's your house and the guests don't have the right to play with your kid's stuff without her permission.
All children are on different levels of mastering self control. There are adults who have no self control! She mentioned the children present were 3-10ys old! That's hard folks! A 3 yes old doesn't have the capacity of self control that the hosts expect! Therefore the hosts should of taken time with their child before and moved her safe place to a place where the adults were gathering or another space where all the children were not playing or even allowed to go. The hosts then need to constantly check on their child throughout their event. That is just the fair and mature way to handle this situation. Just as all parents need to check on their children at gatherings constantly! This solution at least takes into consideration ALL the children and their appropriate levels of development.
OP your family is awesome for Emily. The tent is an wonderful idea. It boils down to a safety issue for Emily. A couple of suggestions would be to have a tent for the other kids. The other thing is to tell the parents to have each of their kids bring a couple of their favorite smaller toys to play with in the community tent. Your son was very sweet to share his toys too. I'm concerned that the adults aren't open to learning about an autistic child's needs. Your home your concerns and your rules. Emily will out grow the tent but she will always need some considerations for a quiet, safe place.
People need to be less entitled. Let the little girl enjoy her space...
Why does the whole family need to be together at Christmas? If OP was hosting, she could have explained to the rest of the family what the situation was, those family members happy to live with it and manage their own children could have gone to OP's for Christmas, those not happy could have gone to the grandparents.
It's nice to all be together at Christmas because of loving your whole family, making shared memories, sparkles, and stardust. But the explanation OP gave ahead of time clearly didn't suffice. As an analogy, it's like OP had a koi pond in the living room or a balcony without a railing. Some places are just not baby proofed. They're hard to bring toddlers to, and sometimes the parents who don't want to manage their toddlers around the danger might decide to come just for dinner and then leave early.
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She told everyone ahead of time, but maybe should have moved the tent or hung a sheet Infront if it or something (although that is also tempting. It is a little ridiculous to expect the younger kids to get it. Also, what a PITA for the siblings and how stressful for Emily to have ppl trying to go into her safe place and touch her stuff. Move the tent and put up a baby monitor or, hey, Zoom meeting between two cell phones is a great surveillance system! I did that when I had work to do but my son was outside with his friends. Move the tent, set up a couple of phones or a baby monitor. She created a tension that spoiled the evening and didn't help Emily. Her private, special place had a spotlight on it. Could she have set up another tent with better toys? Maybe. And put a little baby/puppy fence in front of Emily's area? 🤔 I don't know. All I know is that this mother is a good mother, but needs to think of how people will react and do some add'l proactive steps.
A couple of future workarounds… have the child select less desirable toys for the times that young children are there to put into the tent to decrease desire from other kids. Everything else needs to be locked in her room. If another room allows space-wise put in a second tent and advise parents to bring their children’s favorite toys that they don’t mind sharing and let them have that room with their own tent.
No work around is warranted in this case. When you are a guest in another person's home, you respect their things. Even among my children growing up in my home-- their home-- the number one rule was "if it's not yours, don't touch it without permission of the owner!!!"
Load More Replies... I see that IATA because I am the only one who would have said YTA. I would have thought everyone would have thought it would be better to move the tent to a bedroom for the gathering. It gives me a lot to think about. How can I become less of a selfish jerk today...
the mom explained why the tent is in the living room and not a bedroom: so that they can see emily from anywhere in the house, and emily can't lock herself in and be unable to be reached by a parent.
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How about putting out toys for the other kids? Wow what a concept! Also I do suffer from extreme anxiety disorder and I know people are never truly gonna understand getting overwhelmed and needing to be alone unless they have went through it. You can explain it until you get blue in the face and they won't understand. So by all means have a tent that is an amazing idea. However put out plenty of toys in the general area because you are hosting Christmas. That means you are the host and therefore you should be giving out little toys and candy to all the children there. Have you honestly never hosted a Christmas gathering? It is your job to make sure your guests are happy and not bored that includes all children not just yours. Could of been handled so much better sorry.
Really? I always took toys with me when we visited ppl with the kids. Most had no small kids. You can't expect that they go buy stuff for the occasion.
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No to everything except your first three sentences. Kids under 10 are very capable of understanding, a second tent is not necessary for a gathering lasting a few hours (they will survive), Emily's tent doesn't get moved (if you're confused as to why not, reread the comments, and it's their house so they can put a tent any place they like). Her tent in the living room is not an unkind spotlight. Millions of typically-developing children have tents so this child having one does not point her out as different. The foster family didn't make this a big deal, the extended family did.
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What?? At 3 they can understand the word no and that is not "too young". You have to tell them no at 1 when they start crawling and putting things in their mouths, you have to tell them no at 2 when they start hitting and biting and touching stuff they aren't supposed to, you will have to tell them no at 3 as well. They can understand and there is no "concern" from the other parents, they want a little girl who's had a tough life already and has special needs to not have a special place she can be. It is OP's home so therefore OP makes the rules, you don't get to disrespect someone else's rules just because you cant say no to a kid and you most certainly can NOT disregard a little girl (who, again, has already had a tough life and has special needs) just because you cant parent your own kid
Load More Replies... Not allowing people into her child's private space does not inconvenience them. Your anecdote about your kids' pets isn't the argument you think it is. Your take is that they should remove something in their home that is somehow an issue for guests, but you (as the guest) make adjustments so your children don't have to kennel their pets (which are issues/inconveniences for you) when you visit. So what you've said here is: when you're a guest in someone's home, you do not demand or expect them to change anything because you have an issue with it. You adjust or get out.
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Do you keep your belongings in your front yard and share them with your neighbors? Or do you keep them in your house and expect your neighbors to not touch them even if the curtains are open?
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How awesome that some people are at least looking out for Emily. That family sound ignorant. She's in a foster home for a reason, I doubt she's had it easy.There were also other toys, but they weren't good enough apparently. Why would you want to take away the one thing that makes her feel safe? Just because you can't be bothered to parent your children, and teach them that they can't have everything they want. We all know who those children grow up to be.
As an abuse survivor, I recognized her need to hide in stressful situations. No doubt that was the only way she could try to keep herself safe in her previous situation. Her foster parents are angels and the siblings are absolutely TAHs
Load More Replies... If the parents knew about the tent beforehand ( and it sounds like they knew it existed, but not that it was in the living room) they should have informed their kids about it and that it was a no go zone. And as a tent with closed flaps that can zip, its not like the toys were just staring those kids in the face and "taunting them". The kids ( with the possible exception of the 3 year old who might be too young to get it) need to learn that certain things are off bounds. This mom did a great job of providing a safe space for Emily. I would not be taking her to holidays at the parents house though since they clearly don't want her to have her safe space and holiday gatherings with tons of people are stressful.
I agree, we wouldn't go to the parents' house because it sounds like they refuse to understand the role the tent plays in Emily's safety, mental health, and general well-being. The family seem to view this tent as a toy rather than a piece of equipment that a special needs child uses. I wouldn't take her around people who are comfortable removing her safety net. They are just cruel.
Load More Replies... NTA. At. All. Like Ginny Weasley commented, since the visitors knew in advance the tent would be set-up - regardless of where it was - they should have explained beforehand that it was off limits. I would still include the 3 y.o. in there. When my oldest son started crawling around, I told him my Mason jars were off limits. Same with my books. I had other stuff more interesting for him. TA would be the extended family including the grand-parents.
The fact that Emily has special needs is irrelevant. If the host says a certain area is off limits for guests, then the guests should respect that. The reason it's off limits is irrelevant. Her family were total AHs for not respecting OP's and Emily's boundaries.
It takes special kind of people to foster. And to foster special needs kids is exemplary. These people are wonderful. They are doing exactly the right things for Emily. Other visiting children could be encouraged to bring their own toys. Then see who shares! I think the tent is a super idea. And if it's in the living room so what? You do you in your own house. I have cat litter boxes in my living room. Don't like it? Don't visit. So many things could have gone right during that family occasion if only everyone had just been a little more patient and understanding and less judgmental. Kudos to this amazing foster family.
So stupid. If you're a guest and there's an area the host says no, or something you can't touch, you just don't. I just hosted a middle school party for my daughter, and I was shocked that kids will just go and pull things down without asking or open things. Also, most elementary schools now have spaces like that tent, it's common knowledge about kids like that. Such entitled behaviour. Parents need to say NO
Don't know why you got down voted so here's an upvote. I 100% agree with you here!
Load More Replies... Child psychology 101. It is necessary for children to have a "quiet time place" for their mental health. It is a safe place they can go to in order to remove themselves from normal family chaos and noise. I had a quiet time place in my classroom as art class can have a lot going on especially with anywhere from 1 class to three classes at a time in my room. If a child was feeling overwhelmed they could go to the desk behind a divider panel that was soft padded fabric. It blocked the noise and the visual of kids in active lessons. They knew it was not punishment. It was a voluntary safe zone. As far as them having toys that other kids don't get to play with that is good too especially for children in the foster system where even they may have had to leave everything behind. In a family there should be toys that everyone plays with and ones that are special and only for that child. How would you feel if everything in your house was not yours? These rules go for adults too.
I have a three year old sister that even understand no means no. They aren’t entitled to anything that isn’t theirs.
Just don’t go to the Christmas gatherings that aren’t at your house so that Emily will be able to have her tent as a sage space still. Your siblings and parents are AHs for trying to just snatch Emily’s sanctuary and safe space from her. Your family needs to STFU…
Some parents are so entitled. Seriously. Why do they have to be briefed? Are their kids allergic to tent? They have to be able to parent their children in adverse circumstances and reach boundaries. What a bunch of aholes
"Are their kids allergic to tent?" is the best thing I've ever heard, thank you for the laugh. But I agree, why do they have to be briefed? Can they not just accept "No" as an answer? I think the only time a parent should brief another parent is when a child is going on a trip (I went on a family camping trip and my aunt invited a little girl with us and the parents decided they didn't need to tell us she wet the bed).
Load More Replies... This could have been an opportunity for the siblings' children to respect someone else's needs and to learn empathy. This is on the parents--if they can't direct their children's behaviour, that's their problem, and they are failing their children by teaching them to be entitled brats. Hooray to the OP--they sound like great fosters.
Yikes. This family is terrible. OP is definitely NOT the AH! I think that's an awesome idea and I wish that more parents would teach there kids about other kids who have disabilities so that things like this could be more normalized and those kids can grow up to respect children who are different and have special needs. If that were me and my kids I would have explained this to my kids before we even got there. Not even about the tent per se but in general that Emily has special needs and that you need to be mindful of her things and her space. It's her house and we are guests so we need to be courteous and respectful. I don't rmr if OP said Emily is on the spectrum or not. But I'm guessing she might be... so this isn't just a child who doesn't like to share. Even if I didn't know about the tent I would still go over this with my kids just based on my knowledge of ppl on the spectrum. Also, she's a foster kid.... that's a difficult thing for a child to go thru. The least she deserves..
Is a safe place that is all hers where she can feel safe and comfortable while getting used to all of these new people who she doesn't have a relationship with and while they're in her home where she deserves to feel safe. Why are adults so fucken ignorant about these things dude. It's great your kids don't have special needs... but that doesn't mean you're exempt from being respectful of those who do. You're responsible for raising kids who aren't a******s.... why would you act entitled to another child's things and then teach your kids that they're entitled to things that they were specifically told werent theirs to play with or touch? Ppl like that aren't ppl who should be parents if they can't even understand the first rule of raising kids.... which is raising good ppl who respect others.
Load More Replies... Wow, adults who are jealous of a special-needs child. Just......wow. Have they never heard of the word "no," and its proper usage? Also, the matriarch of the family wants to host the next future holidays, "so Emily won't have her tent." This would be an excellent time for OP to find somewhere else to be during those gatherings. Emily's needs take precedence over lazy, entitled "parents" whose children will probably follow in their footsteps.
Gonna guess OP is the black sheep of their family considering the rest of them including her POS mother live by "everything is mine".
Load More Replies... I absolutely believe you did the right thing. It is our responsibility to keep our children safe and give them security. That’s exactly what you did. Your siblings need to be berated in private about how ignorant they are towards a special needs child’s safety and security. I’m shocked they weren’t more supportive towards you and Emily. My family would have been supportive towards this and would have made sure all the kids understood the rules and why. NTA
Boudaries. The visiting adults should learn to set boundaries. They can be explained but they need to be set. These kids need to learn frustration tolerance. You wouldn't let them play with things that are precious to you either.
`My parents agree that it was super rude and want to host future events so Emily won't have the tent` WTF?????? NTA
This is a prime example of parents poorly parenting their children and promoting entitlement at an early age. Explain to your child that is Emily's special place when she's in a not so happy place. It helps her and can not be shared. There are other toys available. Simple solution. Your siblings are totally wrong. Teaching your child how to interact with others is a major part of parenting. No your child isn't entitled to someone else's things. No you can not guilt someone into contributing to the promotion of entitlement. You and your husband are really good foster parents. Emily is lucky to have people like you in her life. Every child deserves to feel safe. Your siblings owe you and Emily an apology. Her mental and emotional health matters. As adults they should be ashamed of themselves for wanting to compromise that baby's sense of safety.
I think a lot of people are missing something hear. OP's parents took OP's siblings' side. It sounds like OP learned something on her own that the parents did not teach. You keep saying that the siblings should be teaching their children something evidence (parents taking siblings' side) suggests they were not taught themselves. It's difficult to teach something you yourself were not taught.
Load More Replies... Wow I was a teacher and if we had SEN students in the mainstream classes who had differences that were visible, we explained these to the other students and they understood perfectly fine! Adults often had more of a hard time (in schools often the teachers who you wondered why they were teachers because they seemed to hate kids!?) accepting and understanding so I bet the kids had no issue once they were told why and it was the parents who had an issue. Plus OP told them in advance! Thank god Emily has loving foster parents who are doing all they can to make what sounds like has been a traumatic short life, easier and safer now!
NTA I assume you will not be going to any events at their house where SHE can't have her safe space, horrible siblings and your son was nice to share his toys
NTA at all. The tent shouldn't be considered a toy - it's an access requirement for a child with additional needs that keeps her from hiding in ways that are dangerous. The foster parents should be applauded for finding a way to meet Emily's needs that keeps her safe from harm. Everyone in the family complaining about it is an AH. The worst thing is, most of the complaints are from adults; I'd bet that most of the kids would have been fine had they been given a basic explanation of the purpose of the tent. This smacks of entitled parents who think their little darlings should have access to everything, and grandparents who refuse to acknowledge things that "weren't a problem when they were raising kids."
NTA In my professional business I speak on what I call "Special Abilities". I live with Epilepsy and Dyslexia. I work with introverts, extroverts - the gamit. We all have our special abilities. I cannot stand anyone who assumes that: She won't notice, they are just kids...If you just let her see how the other kids play, she will be fine....I had a friend of a friend who had Epilepsy.......I can go on, you get the drift. This could have been a real teaching moment for the ADULTS for their CHILDREN, in Emily's HOME. Creating an inclusive loving environment for her as she grows, instead of placing a question in her head, that she is too young to process, of what happened. When you consider you have something to learn from everyone you meet, your life becomes very enriched. You are killing it! Thank goodness she has you and your family! I am so grateful and do not take for granted the incredible, loving support I have! Her Special Abilities will shine bright! I have no doubt!
NTA. As a parent of adoptive kids, these children from difficult backgrounds need a safe place to be, which is sounds like the OP is doing. Often, though, these kids get is trouble and therefore need to be kept in line-of-sight, which means an adult needs to be able to see where the kid is all the time. That's why allowing the kid to have something in a bedroom away is not safe for the kid. I wholly encourage the OP to continue to do what they're doing, and they may just need to teach their family members how special needs kids with a bunch of emotional baggage need to be cared for.
NTA As another foster parent with a tent in my front room for the exact same reason, I ll die on that hill with you because it's my son's safe place it would be like removing all the doors in a house because letting other people have access to your belongings is more important thant keeping people out.
NTA. The kids should learn how to respect other people's personal space and how to deal with being told "no"
I'm never going to understand why adults demand children share special things with other children. Everytime I hear an adult say this to a child I ask if I can borrow something they love. Then point out the hypocrisy when they say no
I have this gut feeling that the kids were mostly likely listening to their instructions not to go into the tent, and it was their parents coaxing them to go play in the tent. I've seen that happen plenty of times before, and all too often, adults have the hardest time respecting other people's property or space. For example, a lot of my husband's family seem to not want the responsibility of watching their own kids while spending holidays out, so they allow them to run wild and get into whatever, with the excuse, "They're just kids." So, what may have happened is that they saw the toy-filled tent as a sort of "babysitter." I also accept being wrong here, it's just something I've witnessed in the past. All-in-all, this family needs to learn some compassion and patience for this poor foster girl and her special needs.
As the mother of a child on the autism spectrum, I totally would have done something like this for him if he required it. I wouldn't give a good damn who liked it or not. This is why you have to be able to tell people including family, to get out of my home if you don't like my rules. I don't care if you're 9 or 99. She let people know what to expect and they still want her to upset a child they all know who is having issues. I'd never host their selfish selves again.
NTA. The fact that everyone in the external family is being severely unempathetic is sad af. Smh, if someone says they have a safe space which no one else is allowed to enter it doesn't matter what it is, what is in it, or where it is if it isn't endangering them or anyone else. Your family needs to learn some respect.
I hate to have such a******s for family members! WTF is wrong with them? Even toddlers can understand that there are things that don't belong to them and shouldn't be touched.
So these adults refuse to teach their children that sometimes there are situations that are tempting but you still have to resist, life isn't all about them, and people don't always have to like the rules but the rules are there none the less; they are bad parents.
Extended family often don't get it. They are unlikely to allow Emily's mom to accommodate her at their homes. Check back in a few years and Emily's family will probably be celebrating holidays at their own home because the extended family will not budge or will continue their hostilities. That's a common outcome.
I'm an ABA Therapist and I work with children with autism on a daily basis. I also grew up with a brother with special needs and have spent pretty much my entire life surrounded by kids and adults with some sort of special need. If they found something that stops her from eloping and helps her to feel and be safe than her cousins can get over it. Her safe space is for her and that might be a hard lesson for kids to learn, but they have to. They sound like amazing parents and I hope they adopt her.
If anyone tries to tell OP YTA, I will personally bludgeon them with a salmon.
Kids are NOT entitled to anything but love, food, shelter, and safety. Period. Good job...you are doing a GOOD JOB..
Wow. Its wonderful to hear about good foster families. It would have been very good for Emily to experience having an adult in her corner, supporting and protecting her. With this kind of continued support hopefully one day she wont need her tent. I am sorry your family are AH. I wouldn't expose my children to family members who did not respect their personal space and boundaries and would skip any further family events until that was clearly understood.
NTA. It was the other parents' opportunity to teach their children a valuable lesson about understanding and compassion and they blew it. Also, children should be taught they aren't entitled to everything they want. Unfortunately the other children only learned pettiness from their parents.
Why am I certain the grandparents and siblings would not have been anywhere near as bothered if Emily had been the couples' biological child and nota foster child? Shame on them!
It's simple. My kids and I are invited to someone else's home (even family) and there's no go and no touch areas/items, I make sure my kids don't go and don't touch. It doesn't matter what the reasons are. My kids and I would be guests in the home. These parents sound amazing and I'm glad they stood up for Emily and her safe space.
Awesome! Sunny Day, you're officially famous! 🤩
Load More Replies... I'll bet that there's also some unspoken resentment on the extended family's side about a special needs child that's "not family" getting priority over "real family". This family is lovely, but surrounded by toxic in laws.
NTA, The younger kids wouldn't be able to fully understand but 4 1\2 and up should've just listened the first time when you said no and told them why, the adults were just compete ah it's not ops fault that they don't want to teach their kids.
I would just keep repeating "Maybe you should go home" until they went home.
To protect Emily I would've moved the tent to her room just for that day. I would be worried about 3 year olds touching it, or getting in it etc. which would be a violation. Like violating Emily. So I would've protected the sacred space that day, knowing kids can be jerks. And it can't feel all that safe if your tent is in the middle of a whole bunch of people. Emily needed a quieter safe space this holiday.
It doesn't work like that - like Busy-Hamster2204 said in their reply to the article, moving a safe space (even temporarily) can basically break the relationship with that particular space and can break trust. By moving the space for guests, you're basically telling a small child that their needs and safety are less important than visitors in their home. That can be quite damaging for a child with a history of trauma or who is Autistic - and in Emily's case, given the OOP documented her tendency to hide in places that might not necessarily be safe, it's dangerous to mess with her established safe space. Move the tent and she would likely revert to the previous behaviour, and then you have to start over again. And chances are, she wouldn't trust them not to take that space away again for the next guests in the home.
Load More Replies... NTA. Your family sounds like a bunch of spoiled rotten, obnoxious people. They come to YOUR house, try to walk all over Emily's needs, they're too afraid to tell their children no about anything, it sounds like. You explained it to them beforehand too. So what is the problem guys? You can't be bothered to let a poor child with problems have her space to herself because it makes her safe? You can't simply explain to your kids that they can't just go grabbing anything they want and sometimes there are boundaries? I have a word for you people. You don't go into someone else's household and tell them how it's done. You've shown disgusting behavior towards this little girl and you're not doing your own children any favors either. GROW UP. I have a child with autism. They require certain accomodations in life. He needs his rocking horse. NEVER has my family come into my home and demand their children ride his horse, and you'd best believe I will put it in whatever room I please.
If they want their kids to have a tent and toys, why don't they set one up too?
Yes. They knew she had a tent. Take your own tent and toys with you or, like someone said in the comments, just make one under the table with a plaid.
Load More Replies... As someone with autism that needs a safe space myself, it really pisses me off how her siblings were acting. It's really important to have a place to hide when you're overwhelmed as someone with special needs. If they can't understand that then they need to grow up and be a better example for their own children. What a good mother for standing her ground.
Missy. WOW! Sorry you had to go thru that. You are a Super Star! Keep taking care of Emily and doing what she needs and she will be ok! God put you in her life for a reason! If your family can't deal with that that is there problem and not yours or Emily's. God Speed!
"Guests" like this are intolerable. They think they can come into your house and then "run it". I was the same way as this little girl (emphasis on 'little') when I was 2 to 6 yrs old, and guests and said 'guest's' children would create dissension just because they wanted to see how much "bad child shaming" it would take to make my mom haul me off to my room for the 'You are acting like a spoiled brat, none of the other kids act like this, everyone thinks you are terrible' talk. And, of course, the final nail in the coffin the 'I'm embarrassed to call you mine' talk. I was two to five yrs old! Guests like that are just intolerable. They should be "bad guesr" shamed! And FYI, I'm on the autism spectrum, too, but I just found this out last year, and I.m 57 yrs old. I still bear emotional scars from all the years of my mom telling me I was terrible, and that most people must hate me, or dislike me the way she did. Ironically, everyone loved her and thought she was this good, sweet lady, and she was, until it came to me and my social "differences", which she thought were something I could control, or 'relearn", but just didn't want to try. And believe me, I did try., eventually matriculating into normal society, but still at a great cost to my mental well-being. Then, to not have her see that change and still telli me these things when I became an adult, just damaged me more. This little girl is lucky to have found these foster, hopefully soon to be adoptive, parents.
Why am I sure that the siblings and grandparents would not have objected at all or as strongly had Emily been the couple's biological child and not a foster child? Shame on them!
NTA. This just angers me so much. OP has found a safe place for Emily to go when she feels overwhelmed. They did the right thing. The other kids need to learn that "no means no." What is it with entitled kids who feel they should have access to everything in someone else's house. Plenty of other toys in the house to play with. But NO, they absolutely must have what they're told they can't have. AH siblings of OP can do their jobs and teach their kids some manners and respect.
NTA, honestly, she's trying to accommodate for the child for her unique needs and if this were a child who wasn't like that, then it might be felt as favoritism of that child above others. I don't really see that in this situation. Besides, the other children would get their own toys, etc so it's not like they're getting neglected. It's okay to have a safe space if needed and help others become more understanding of the child's disability. Just my understanding of it...
All adults, or any one adult, could have sat down and played with the kids to teach them and model the desired behavior. Problem solved.
Definitely not the a*****e, but her family is. She put Emily's safety and comfort first and there's nothing wrong with that.
At ages 3-10 children are old enough to understand the tent and special toys for the little girl. But it became the forbidden fruit. I don’t want to play with anything but those toys. I would imagine since grandma and grandpa were there they all had some new toys to play with. Your family all had a responsibility to talk to their children about Emily and her special needs and why the tent and her toys were her safe place. They should have supported your efforts in including her in the holiday but also giving her safety. The alternative was she hid all day. At the next holiday party, I would be packing up the tent and toys and taking them with me so Emily still had her safe spot and the other children get used to this modification she uses. When my daughter had birthday parties she had a hard time sharing her new toys. So we agreed she could pick out two that we would put up and she only had to share the rest. It was a good compromise most if the time.
NTA, i had health problems as a kid, but totally understood word 'no' and logic, can et those kids did too
DEFINITELY NTA. Good grief even the dogs get a 'safe space' in their crate these days. How much more should a CHILD get a safe space that is still within sight, so TRULY safe. Are the cousins so young that their parents cannot explain the need your child has for this space that is THEIRS but the OTHER toys are for everyone.
definitely NTA, but maybe for a next occasion this issue could be easily resolved by making sure the other kids have a tent to play in as well, so no one feels left out, it is quite hard to explain to a 3 year old why they cannot play in a tent full of toys. Your siblings on the other hand are TA, they are adults and should understand and better yet support you in making a safe space for Emily!
Next time they can set up a second tent for the guest children to play with.
And the sad thing is I can still see the kids whining "but we want THAT one", necause it's not offered to them.
Load More Replies... "You're free to host all the parties you like, of course. But either we won't be there, or we'll leave as soon as Emily becomes distressed--which might not take long, in a new and stressful environment. Have fun without us!"
NTA. Your siblings and parents are though. You should have told your parents and siblings, 'your house, your rules' and they're welcome to leave if they don't like it. Then show them the door.
This just irks me to my very core. Your house. Your rules. And bravo for those rules. Making your child feel safe and secure st all times- is a priority. And one you took seriously. Who cares where the tent was?! I'll put the dang tent in the doorway and my family would use a diff door. No issue. This 'family' of yours who had issues and was bothered by this- ugh- idk. Next time one came over w a new purse or nice piece of clothing - I'd say: how rude- u know I can't afford thst and you're parading it in front of me! Wait for them to respond and just cross my arms and give thst smug a*s look! Clearly- I'm bothered by this. Lol I have a 'unique' child and his older brother is so wonderful w him! Everyone is. If someone had an issue- i would pack their meal up in a Togo box- and they'd just have to GO!
NTA. It's your house and the guests don't have the right to play with your kid's stuff without her permission.
All children are on different levels of mastering self control. There are adults who have no self control! She mentioned the children present were 3-10ys old! That's hard folks! A 3 yes old doesn't have the capacity of self control that the hosts expect! Therefore the hosts should of taken time with their child before and moved her safe place to a place where the adults were gathering or another space where all the children were not playing or even allowed to go. The hosts then need to constantly check on their child throughout their event. That is just the fair and mature way to handle this situation. Just as all parents need to check on their children at gatherings constantly! This solution at least takes into consideration ALL the children and their appropriate levels of development.
OP your family is awesome for Emily. The tent is an wonderful idea. It boils down to a safety issue for Emily. A couple of suggestions would be to have a tent for the other kids. The other thing is to tell the parents to have each of their kids bring a couple of their favorite smaller toys to play with in the community tent. Your son was very sweet to share his toys too. I'm concerned that the adults aren't open to learning about an autistic child's needs. Your home your concerns and your rules. Emily will out grow the tent but she will always need some considerations for a quiet, safe place.
People need to be less entitled. Let the little girl enjoy her space...
Why does the whole family need to be together at Christmas? If OP was hosting, she could have explained to the rest of the family what the situation was, those family members happy to live with it and manage their own children could have gone to OP's for Christmas, those not happy could have gone to the grandparents.
It's nice to all be together at Christmas because of loving your whole family, making shared memories, sparkles, and stardust. But the explanation OP gave ahead of time clearly didn't suffice. As an analogy, it's like OP had a koi pond in the living room or a balcony without a railing. Some places are just not baby proofed. They're hard to bring toddlers to, and sometimes the parents who don't want to manage their toddlers around the danger might decide to come just for dinner and then leave early.
Load More Replies... She told everyone ahead of time, but maybe should have moved the tent or hung a sheet Infront if it or something (although that is also tempting. It is a little ridiculous to expect the younger kids to get it. Also, what a PITA for the siblings and how stressful for Emily to have ppl trying to go into her safe place and touch her stuff. Move the tent and put up a baby monitor or, hey, Zoom meeting between two cell phones is a great surveillance system! I did that when I had work to do but my son was outside with his friends. Move the tent, set up a couple of phones or a baby monitor. She created a tension that spoiled the evening and didn't help Emily. Her private, special place had a spotlight on it. Could she have set up another tent with better toys? Maybe. And put a little baby/puppy fence in front of Emily's area? 🤔 I don't know. All I know is that this mother is a good mother, but needs to think of how people will react and do some add'l proactive steps.
A couple of future workarounds… have the child select less desirable toys for the times that young children are there to put into the tent to decrease desire from other kids. Everything else needs to be locked in her room. If another room allows space-wise put in a second tent and advise parents to bring their children’s favorite toys that they don’t mind sharing and let them have that room with their own tent.
No work around is warranted in this case. When you are a guest in another person's home, you respect their things. Even among my children growing up in my home-- their home-- the number one rule was "if it's not yours, don't touch it without permission of the owner!!!"
Load More Replies... I see that IATA because I am the only one who would have said YTA. I would have thought everyone would have thought it would be better to move the tent to a bedroom for the gathering. It gives me a lot to think about. How can I become less of a selfish jerk today...
the mom explained why the tent is in the living room and not a bedroom: so that they can see emily from anywhere in the house, and emily can't lock herself in and be unable to be reached by a parent.
Load More Replies... How about putting out toys for the other kids? Wow what a concept! Also I do suffer from extreme anxiety disorder and I know people are never truly gonna understand getting overwhelmed and needing to be alone unless they have went through it. You can explain it until you get blue in the face and they won't understand. So by all means have a tent that is an amazing idea. However put out plenty of toys in the general area because you are hosting Christmas. That means you are the host and therefore you should be giving out little toys and candy to all the children there. Have you honestly never hosted a Christmas gathering? It is your job to make sure your guests are happy and not bored that includes all children not just yours. Could of been handled so much better sorry.
Really? I always took toys with me when we visited ppl with the kids. Most had no small kids. You can't expect that they go buy stuff for the occasion.
Load More Replies... No to everything except your first three sentences. Kids under 10 are very capable of understanding, a second tent is not necessary for a gathering lasting a few hours (they will survive), Emily's tent doesn't get moved (if you're confused as to why not, reread the comments, and it's their house so they can put a tent any place they like). Her tent in the living room is not an unkind spotlight. Millions of typically-developing children have tents so this child having one does not point her out as different. The foster family didn't make this a big deal, the extended family did.
Load More Replies... What?? At 3 they can understand the word no and that is not "too young". You have to tell them no at 1 when they start crawling and putting things in their mouths, you have to tell them no at 2 when they start hitting and biting and touching stuff they aren't supposed to, you will have to tell them no at 3 as well. They can understand and there is no "concern" from the other parents, they want a little girl who's had a tough life already and has special needs to not have a special place she can be. It is OP's home so therefore OP makes the rules, you don't get to disrespect someone else's rules just because you cant say no to a kid and you most certainly can NOT disregard a little girl (who, again, has already had a tough life and has special needs) just because you cant parent your own kid
Load More Replies... Not allowing people into her child's private space does not inconvenience them. Your anecdote about your kids' pets isn't the argument you think it is. Your take is that they should remove something in their home that is somehow an issue for guests, but you (as the guest) make adjustments so your children don't have to kennel their pets (which are issues/inconveniences for you) when you visit. So what you've said here is: when you're a guest in someone's home, you do not demand or expect them to change anything because you have an issue with it. You adjust or get out.
Load More Replies... Do you keep your belongings in your front yard and share them with your neighbors? Or do you keep them in your house and expect your neighbors to not touch them even if the curtains are open?
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