Woman Lost Her Patience And Told Her In-Laws To Stop Calling Her ‘Mama’, Wonders If She Shouldn’t Have Done It During Christmas
People’s personalities are multidimensional and usually a person is more than their studies, their work or their main hobby. We are curious creatures and like to try new things, meet new people, and talk about various topics. But for those who don’t really know a person, they might just be the IT guy who likes video games or the coworker who really likes cats.
This woman got labeled ‘mama’ and she really couldn’t get rid of that nickname, which she considered to be dehumanizing. She once again brought it up during Christmas dinner and was accused of making a scene as she was pretty emotional after years of not being listened to.
More info: Reddit
Woman wants to get rid of the nickname ‘mama’ as she is more than that, but is left misunderstood by her in-laws and blamed for bringing the festive mood down
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
The Original Poster (OP) has two daughters, ages 2 and 4. Since becoming a mom a few years ago, the woman has been thought of as a mommy and nothing else. All of her gifts are related to her being a parent and her family even stopped calling by her name and gave her the nickname ‘mama.’
It didn’t sit well with her from the start because her husband didn’t become ‘papa’ and was still getting presents that related to his hobbies. Also, the woman addressed this a few times, but her in-laws kept referring to her as ‘mama.’
The author of the story has two daughters and since they were born, she has been seen as nothing more than a mom
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
So the woman brought it up again during the Christmas visit when she politely asked her relatives to call her by her name, but the response she got was that she was so good at it. Again, she explained that she is more than a mom and compared her situation to her husband, who can be his own person, while her whole personality is erased.
Finally her words had an effect and the OP’s mother-in-law apologized for making her feel diminished as a person because she herself was so excited to be a grandmother. However, the woman’s sister-in-laws thought that she was having a meltdown and needed to talk with someone.
Her in-laws don’t refer to her by her name but ‘mama’ instead
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
The husband’s reaction was pretty underwhelming as well. He also considered the scene at dinner to be an outburst of bottled up emotions, although it wasn’t the first time the OP had spoken up about it. She explained to her husband that she considered the nickname to be disgusting as she is her children’s mom, but she is not just a mom.
Although the husband seemed to understand why the OP was bothered by it so much, he still thought that his wife should apologize to his family, which she agreed to do for bringing down the festive mood, but not until his sisters apologized for dehumanizing her for the past several years.
And they give her only mom-related gifts, which seems unfair when her husband still gets something to do with his hobbies
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
Other redditors agreed that being a mom isn’t a personality trait and they understood how degraded the OP felt when she was diminished to this one part of her.
They weren’t bothered that the woman made a scene during Christmas because people believed that her in-laws are the kind of family members who need to be confronted with a firm foot as otherwise they don’t hear what you have to say.
It feels pretty dehumanizing and the woman brought it up several times to her in-laws who didn’t really react to her comments
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
Losing your identity when you become a mom is a real thing. It happens because women dedicate all of their time to their children and it really requires a lot of it. So much so that there is none left for themselves, for their friends and relationships.
Rachel Normal BA, MS, certified baby and toddler sleep consultant, parent coach and a parent herself, talks on her blog about how at one point, she suddenly realized that there was a time when she liked listening to music and knew all the new bands, she liked to dance with friends and strangers and had a social life.
So she was firmer this time and her MIL was apologetic but her SILs weren’t that sympathetic and pretty much called her hysterical
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
But she lost her identity because she got sucked into the routine of a mom, which revolves around her kids. That means moms don’t have time to care about their looks, they can’t be involved in all of the things that brought them joy, and they have to slow down with their careers, which may have been a big part of their personalities.
Baby Chick adds that women also don’t feel like themselves because their bodies changed and they might feel like it’s someone else’s. Their relationships have changed because there is not enough time to maintain them. They had to put aside their hobbies, so the question is, what’s left?
The woman’s husband was also not very happy about his wife ruining Christmas and while he didn’t argue about it, he wished his wife would apologize to his family
Image credits: Ok_Corner754
Image credits: Marco Verch Professional Photographer (not the actual photo)
Some women may feel that being a mom is their identity, but Very Well Family says “While being a mother will always be part of who you are, it doesn’t have to define you completely. You are so much more than the role you play in your kids’ lives. It just takes some time to figure out who that person is.”
The author of the Reddit story is definitely not satisfied being viewed as just a mom and she is trying to avoid constricting herself to this one thing in her life, but that is making her in-laws upset. Do you think she was a bit dramatic? Or do you agree that this is the kind of a family that won’t react to gentle pushes? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
People who read the story suggested talking with her MIL and not apologizing to her SILs as they believed the woman’s feeling were valid and needed acknowledgement
Image credits: RODNAE Productions (not the actual photo)
If the SIL's call you mamma again, reply with "daughter". Yes daughter, ofcourse!
Yeah, I hate this. People assume once you are a mom that is your whole world. I complained once about never going anywhere without my kids....and I mean NOWHERE. My MIL shamed me telling me she was always with her kids. My family thought she was weird LOL. You're not alone.
You definitely get to an age where you don't want your mother perpetually around you as well! Actually, as a child I needed my own space early on! Doesn't hurt to let each other breathe.
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When I was pregnant my MIL started calling me "Chubby Bubby." I was not amused. I nipped that in the bud right away!
Wow. At first I thought I would lean to a ESH, but clearly after reading this woman is NTA. It's not like she doesn't want her own children calling her by her earned title of Mom to be the "cool parent" like I thought at first. Nah, it's weird when other people call you mom/mama. Even I hated it when clinicians/teachers/etc did that. It's almost on par when people refer to the woman as just "wife" while calling her husband by his name. I'm sure there is a correlation with husbands & dads feeling they can sit in the back, do their own thing, while their wives/girlfriends have to do everything because there's this title that comes with expectations they have to live up to and deem it exceedingly more important to the woman than her own person. I don't even think some people see a women as an individual and those alone or want to be treated as a single "have issues". But it's not the same for a man. Her in-law family is gaslighting her, too.
Right from the get-go I refused to be called Mum or Mummy like half the rest of the population in England. My name is Christine... or Chris or Chrissy. And that's what my kids call me- all four of them. Other people are kind of incredulous, but I love it. It's me. It's my name...ffs call me by my name!
My nephew calls his mother by her name. Like you, this is what they both prefer. I had a friend as a child who called her mother by her name. I remember my mother saying that she disliked how little she heard her first name. Certainly, none of them would have appreciated being called mum by anyone that wasn't their actual child.
Load More Replies... From now on, every time they say it, sing "Bohemian Rhapsody," starting with the "MAMA, ooooh, I don't want to die" part. Every single time.
NTA, don't apologize no way at all to the sil because they seen to not care about your feelings at all
That's ridiculous. My brother has 2 kids and I call his wife by her actual name. She's a real person, not just a baby incubator.
I can't have kids and the world is better for that. I don't have in laws bc everyone in my husband's family is gone. I do, however, agree that men and women are treated very differently when it comes to children and parenting.
I actually applaud the MIL for apologizing and trying to comfort once she realized she was insulting you... you are lucky to have that! Your SIL's are just ganging up tho, and likely added to this drama due to their own issues... they suck and so does your husband if he is sticking up for them. MIL tried to do the right thing tho, so apologize to her while having constructive dialog. It seems like she was genuinely sorry, and would like to understand the situation better based on the difference between generations... don't throw that away!
I understand! I have 5 grandchildren. Once the 1st was born, my son and his wife only call me Grandma. Always, not just when around the kids. I don't like it either, but feel petty saying anything.
I don't know if it's an old saying or not, but "nobody pays attention to the kettle until it screams".
I read on the main post about the family not knowing her very well & didn't know what to buy her - how about asking her husband, or guessing what most women would like!! Not that hard really:/
Or just buy her something for an adult woman (with the receipt!)
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In regards to the sister in laws, you don't try to bring someone down, unless you feel they are above you. I'm guessing you are better educated than they are or had a decent career before having children, and they did not. And I'd also guess that they knew the mommy-identity thing bothered you and were deliberating trying to antagonise.
Lol, I was told "you don't look like a mother". Whatever that means.
That was a line from Gilmore Girls. Some older guy was chatting up with Lorelai's daughter, Rory, then Lorelai comes in and introduces herself as Rory's mom. Then the guy is like "You... don't look like a mother" because Lorelai had Rory young, and doesn't appear old enough to be Rory's mom. So he gets freaked out and bails.
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For the last 35 years, I have been 's mom. Through each of my 4 children's "eras" My husband would grab my butt and call me "Hey Momma" Now I am Grandma. My children call me Grandma in front of their children. BUT, never have my in-laws called me anything but by my given name. NTA, calling you Mom is a privilege that is earned by passing through the canal, or gifted by you to someone YOU cherish.
NTA, biggest time thinkable NTA. A bit of a side note here - Sister and I never called our own parents Mama or Papa. They have names, and they went by these, to us as well as to everybody that neither came out of his or her private parts, let alone both of them. And ... they didn't listen ... why didn't they? Why is it so hard to call people by the version of their name, obligation or specifica about their feet that are a lot more unique than preferable, that THEY chose? You will know very well how you wanna be called. Decide, and others, accept the decision, even if you consider the outcome of it not the best available option. Everything exceeding suggestions is impolite at best.
When I was pregnant my MIL started calling me "Chubby Bubby." I nipped that in the bud right away!
NTA. They should respect your wishes. Period. It's not hurting them to call you by your name. The sil's outburst calls for them to apologize. Smooth things over with mil and tell the others to grow up.
I would totally befriend OP. I love that she says it's a banal think to reproduce. Because indeed it is!! It doesn't define you. Man or woman. Jesus Christ!
The coffee gift comment makes me laugh. For me it was tea, so many tea gifts. First time sitting down to dinner with my SIL's new family, her mom asked everyone if they wanted coffee or tea, except for me. I had to request one and then she said "but you don't drink coffee." Yes,, yes I do, but usually not at her house because she drinks it black and doesn't accommodate anyone's tastes. Since new people were in the house, there was milk and sugar, and I was happy gal. My SIL's new SIL looked at me and said "she doesn't know you does she?" All I said was "nope", which is sad because I met my MIL 18 years before that happened.
Best way to deal with this situation is to simply don't react to being called by 'mama.' When they use that term, simply carry on what you were doing and pretend you didn't hear anything. When they start yelling at you, or someone tells you that they're talking to you, simply say. 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you say my name!' And continue to do this until they get the hint. I should think now that MIL is aware you don't appreciate it, she hopefully will tell her daughters to belt up and call you by your name.
only your own kids (or their spouses) get to call you "mama"... everyone else, especially the older generations, can be happily ignored unless they call you by your first name... the SILs are out of line for trying to shame OP for wanting to be called her own name... I'd definitely start calling everyone: child/son/daughter when they use the "mama" version to address you... and keep it up very stubbornly until the penny drops.. if they get all "you can't call me that! it's soooo demeaning/humiliating" then just give them a mirror (I've literally given someone a mirror who got angry when I did the same to her as she did to me...)... usually they don't know what to do with it, then you can explain (of course in a voice as if you're explaining to a toddler) why you've given them the mirror... they'll start behaving like adults again soon enough...
I can appreciate apologizing to MIL, who seemed genuinely sorry but your SILs are condescending. That makes me wonder what their conversations are behind you. Me, I would tell SILs that if they cannot appreciate the error of their ways, then, maybe THEY need to speak with a professional. NTA. They ruined your holiday mood.
They irritate us and sometimes it's even deliberate and say we should not react? What nonsense. I just don't understand how do they expect us not to hv any emotions. And when we try to tell them to stop, my husband says I shouted even if I tell in a cool manner. If I let out my frustration, I am being a devil. BUT Y THE HECK DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND THT ITS THEM WHO CHANGED US LIKE THIS? Not at all the a*s... Bcz I totally understand u!
My mother is a mother, however she is so much more than that. She is a teacher, a reader, a great listener, and a provider of good advice. She is also the person I go to for help with anything technical, the person that does my taxes, and she's the person who's personality is similar to my own.
That's nice but this mom means she doesn't want to be called a maternal title by anyone other than her kids, or have it assumed the only things she's into is parenting related things. I'm sure your mom has a wide range of interests that doesn't revolve around being a mom. What you listed are some great skills and traits yours has. This woman sounds as though she is a great mom, too. All she's asking is for her in-laws to get to know her as a multi-dimensional human being with hobbies and interests that she's kept long before her kids came along.
Load More Replies... Just ignore anyone, other than your children, who call you "mama". Don't acknowledge that they are talking to you or asking you to pass the potatoes. This behavior is just as bad as people who refer to older women as "granny". Is that her whole identity? Maybe she's a university professor of advanced mathematics. No one calls older men "grampy". Thank you for speaking up for yourself. If anyone persists in calling you "mama", tell them that you are not their mother, then ignore them.
I had the same issue when I was a young mother. I too spat the dummy and I needed to keep spitting it for more than a few years. Yes women often get lost after having a baby, its not fair and honestly it's not going to change anytime soon unless we keep pushing... for thousands of years women most important role was having children, its going to take time to change this attitude
It's the same when your pregnant. Every one asks such questions- oh you're preggers, when is it due? Is it a boy or a girl? What are you hoping for? Is this your 1st? (No, it's my last!). It's like you're nothing but a baby vessel.
I so get this! I don't even know who I am anymore, no hobbies, nothing excites me, lost when my kids aren't here, because I devoted my entire being to becoming a mom. I truly lost my identity. I don't even get gifts and when I do its never something I wanted. The gifts I receive are as if I'm a stranger to my own family. At least they don't refer to me as "mom/mama." None of these same issues plague my husband 🤬. Ladies/Gents please don't lose yourself... EVER!
By the SILs reaction, I assume one or more of them are also mother's. It seems little weird to me for one mom to call another similar-age mom "mama". Should OP call her mama as well? That sounds confusing if 5 people in the house are all called "mama". Edit: OP is definitely NTA. I can see how the way she broached the subject got the defensive response she got from her SILs. I'm learning to state feelings and needs instead of asking questions. It can be really difficult in the moment when I am upset. It usually works out better if I give myself time to calm down before addressing the issue with the other person.
In some cultures the use of "Mama" is just used for every female. I wonder where they're from. When I was in NY it was very common in Puerto Rican/Dominican culture to call even little girls "Mama" as a term of endearment.
None of them said that it was normal for them or part of their culture though as an explanation, instead they got funny with her and tried to put her down so there was zero respect or attempt to be affectionate. Clearly it wasn't what she wanted regardless and they should respect her wishes.
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Devil's advocate here.. I call my best friend mama all the time. She isn't a mom but I call her mama because I find her to be very comforting and loving like how a mom should be. It's not me being disrespectful it's me showing her love by calling her mama.
But does she like it? I had a friend who kept calling me mama as well. It was weird and I didn't like it. I let it slide because it was a pet name she used for a couple of friends, but I definitely would have preferred not being called mama. I never said anything because she'd had some emotional trauma, her biological family were absolute turds, and even though she was super nice, most people treated her as an afterthought; it wasn't worth making her feel embarrassed. We don't speak anymore (she got a crazy conspiracy-theorist boyfriend and only regurgitated that bs), but at some point I would have gently brought it up. If you haven't, maybe just confirm that your friend is fine with being called mama.
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I understand where you are coming from I'm not sure if your inlaws are Spanish decent or not but MAMA is a term of endearment especially within Spanish families I'm not Spanish and I call alot of my friends mama i do not find it insulting I guess it's all in how you interpret it.. mind you some of my friends are younger and no kids so for me it's not a insult.. but I do understand and as far as gifts yes I agree they should be personal for you and not related to being a mom. 8m glad your MIL understood and apologized hope you all can move on from this and may your bonds grow closer.
She says she's asked them to stop calling her mama in the past, and they've ignored that request. Regardless of whether they view this as a pet name or not, she's asked them to stop. Her MIL's response was perfect. MIL (finally) heard her and apologized. The SILs look like they're going to be problems. It's disrespectful to force a nickname or pet name on someone who has requested to be called something else. Regarding your situation, you say you don't find it insulting to call your friends mama but that's your point of view, not theirs. While I doubt anyone would be insulted being called mama, some of your friends may not actually like it but are too polite to tell you. Nicknames and pet names are tricky.
Load More Replies... Her response that being a mom is the "most common, banal thing a woman could do" makes me think they may all be a bunch of As... Except the mother in law.
But it is banal. It's common and mundane. Doesn't define you. Nor does being a grandma. It doesn't mean you can't be overjoyed. Like you can be with others things in life that are also common
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YTA, I think 1st of all you need to realize "Mama" is the ultimate term of endearment and respect. Maybe looking at it that way will change your feelings about it. Although, I don't think it will be an issue anymore. 2nd of all, there are ways of doing things, and ways of not doing things. Sharing your feelings in a private, calm moment, YES. Snapping at, and embarrassing MIL in the middle of Xmas dinner when she is trying to bond, to show affection, NO. I think you should apologize publicly since you snapped at her publicly.
In some cultures, maybe. In hers it is not. In most it is not. I would not appreciate being called 'mama' by anyone that is not my child. Intent also matters and theirs was not one of endearment and respect - how can you miss that?? She has asked them repeatedly to stop, they have not. They are doing it deliberately because they know she doesn't like it. That's really unpleasant. Their whole attitude is patronising. She owes those SILs nothing. As for the MIL - SHE apologised at the time, so she understood.
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She is obviously not comfortable with, and is having difficulties finding her own identity, otherwise being called “Mama” wouldn’t bother her so much. I am a mom, wife, math teacher, coach…being a mother is my greatest joy. However, being a mom is a part of who I am, not what/who I am. I determine this for myself. There’s a reason you’re offended. Maybe you’re not satisfied with how you spend your time, maybe you expect more from yourself… Whatever the reason it’s your issue, don’t take it out on loved ones who mean no harm. In doing so, you are the @sshole.
Nonsense. Not wanting to be called mama by adults that she didn't give birth to doesn't mean she doesn't like being a mom or struggles to find her own identity. Her in-laws are the ones struggling to recognize that she has an identity apart from being a mother. In addition to only calling her mama, they also only gift her things directly related to her being a mother. Do your in-laws, students, athletes, or spouse only call you mama? Likely not. She's not complaining about occassionally being called mama (which would still be mildly ridiculous); her complaint is that none of her in-laws call her anything but mama. Perhaps if everyone in your life started calling you nothing but coach and only gifted you "World's Best Coach" items you'd understand her frustration.
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But it is one of the most common (occurring, found, or done often; prevalent) and banal (lacking in originality) things a woman can do. There's nothing original or new about having children except to that individual. People ARE doing it all the time. That doesn't make it an insult to say so or devalues the role. Yes there are people who can't but motherhood is also not just for those who give birth. To say otherwise devalues those who adopt.
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You're a troll aren't you? A lot of your comments give off that vibe.
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If the SIL's call you mamma again, reply with "daughter". Yes daughter, ofcourse!
Yeah, I hate this. People assume once you are a mom that is your whole world. I complained once about never going anywhere without my kids....and I mean NOWHERE. My MIL shamed me telling me she was always with her kids. My family thought she was weird LOL. You're not alone.
You definitely get to an age where you don't want your mother perpetually around you as well! Actually, as a child I needed my own space early on! Doesn't hurt to let each other breathe.
Load More Replies... When I was pregnant my MIL started calling me "Chubby Bubby." I was not amused. I nipped that in the bud right away!
Wow. At first I thought I would lean to a ESH, but clearly after reading this woman is NTA. It's not like she doesn't want her own children calling her by her earned title of Mom to be the "cool parent" like I thought at first. Nah, it's weird when other people call you mom/mama. Even I hated it when clinicians/teachers/etc did that. It's almost on par when people refer to the woman as just "wife" while calling her husband by his name. I'm sure there is a correlation with husbands & dads feeling they can sit in the back, do their own thing, while their wives/girlfriends have to do everything because there's this title that comes with expectations they have to live up to and deem it exceedingly more important to the woman than her own person. I don't even think some people see a women as an individual and those alone or want to be treated as a single "have issues". But it's not the same for a man. Her in-law family is gaslighting her, too.
Right from the get-go I refused to be called Mum or Mummy like half the rest of the population in England. My name is Christine... or Chris or Chrissy. And that's what my kids call me- all four of them. Other people are kind of incredulous, but I love it. It's me. It's my name...ffs call me by my name!
My nephew calls his mother by her name. Like you, this is what they both prefer. I had a friend as a child who called her mother by her name. I remember my mother saying that she disliked how little she heard her first name. Certainly, none of them would have appreciated being called mum by anyone that wasn't their actual child.
Load More Replies... From now on, every time they say it, sing "Bohemian Rhapsody," starting with the "MAMA, ooooh, I don't want to die" part. Every single time.
NTA, don't apologize no way at all to the sil because they seen to not care about your feelings at all
That's ridiculous. My brother has 2 kids and I call his wife by her actual name. She's a real person, not just a baby incubator.
I can't have kids and the world is better for that. I don't have in laws bc everyone in my husband's family is gone. I do, however, agree that men and women are treated very differently when it comes to children and parenting.
I actually applaud the MIL for apologizing and trying to comfort once she realized she was insulting you... you are lucky to have that! Your SIL's are just ganging up tho, and likely added to this drama due to their own issues... they suck and so does your husband if he is sticking up for them. MIL tried to do the right thing tho, so apologize to her while having constructive dialog. It seems like she was genuinely sorry, and would like to understand the situation better based on the difference between generations... don't throw that away!
I understand! I have 5 grandchildren. Once the 1st was born, my son and his wife only call me Grandma. Always, not just when around the kids. I don't like it either, but feel petty saying anything.
I don't know if it's an old saying or not, but "nobody pays attention to the kettle until it screams".
I read on the main post about the family not knowing her very well & didn't know what to buy her - how about asking her husband, or guessing what most women would like!! Not that hard really:/
Or just buy her something for an adult woman (with the receipt!)
Load More Replies... In regards to the sister in laws, you don't try to bring someone down, unless you feel they are above you. I'm guessing you are better educated than they are or had a decent career before having children, and they did not. And I'd also guess that they knew the mommy-identity thing bothered you and were deliberating trying to antagonise.
Lol, I was told "you don't look like a mother". Whatever that means.
That was a line from Gilmore Girls. Some older guy was chatting up with Lorelai's daughter, Rory, then Lorelai comes in and introduces herself as Rory's mom. Then the guy is like "You... don't look like a mother" because Lorelai had Rory young, and doesn't appear old enough to be Rory's mom. So he gets freaked out and bails.
Load More Replies... For the last 35 years, I have been 's mom. Through each of my 4 children's "eras" My husband would grab my butt and call me "Hey Momma" Now I am Grandma. My children call me Grandma in front of their children. BUT, never have my in-laws called me anything but by my given name. NTA, calling you Mom is a privilege that is earned by passing through the canal, or gifted by you to someone YOU cherish.
NTA, biggest time thinkable NTA. A bit of a side note here - Sister and I never called our own parents Mama or Papa. They have names, and they went by these, to us as well as to everybody that neither came out of his or her private parts, let alone both of them. And ... they didn't listen ... why didn't they? Why is it so hard to call people by the version of their name, obligation or specifica about their feet that are a lot more unique than preferable, that THEY chose? You will know very well how you wanna be called. Decide, and others, accept the decision, even if you consider the outcome of it not the best available option. Everything exceeding suggestions is impolite at best.
When I was pregnant my MIL started calling me "Chubby Bubby." I nipped that in the bud right away!
NTA. They should respect your wishes. Period. It's not hurting them to call you by your name. The sil's outburst calls for them to apologize. Smooth things over with mil and tell the others to grow up.
I would totally befriend OP. I love that she says it's a banal think to reproduce. Because indeed it is!! It doesn't define you. Man or woman. Jesus Christ!
The coffee gift comment makes me laugh. For me it was tea, so many tea gifts. First time sitting down to dinner with my SIL's new family, her mom asked everyone if they wanted coffee or tea, except for me. I had to request one and then she said "but you don't drink coffee." Yes,, yes I do, but usually not at her house because she drinks it black and doesn't accommodate anyone's tastes. Since new people were in the house, there was milk and sugar, and I was happy gal. My SIL's new SIL looked at me and said "she doesn't know you does she?" All I said was "nope", which is sad because I met my MIL 18 years before that happened.
Best way to deal with this situation is to simply don't react to being called by 'mama.' When they use that term, simply carry on what you were doing and pretend you didn't hear anything. When they start yelling at you, or someone tells you that they're talking to you, simply say. 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you say my name!' And continue to do this until they get the hint. I should think now that MIL is aware you don't appreciate it, she hopefully will tell her daughters to belt up and call you by your name.
only your own kids (or their spouses) get to call you "mama"... everyone else, especially the older generations, can be happily ignored unless they call you by your first name... the SILs are out of line for trying to shame OP for wanting to be called her own name... I'd definitely start calling everyone: child/son/daughter when they use the "mama" version to address you... and keep it up very stubbornly until the penny drops.. if they get all "you can't call me that! it's soooo demeaning/humiliating" then just give them a mirror (I've literally given someone a mirror who got angry when I did the same to her as she did to me...)... usually they don't know what to do with it, then you can explain (of course in a voice as if you're explaining to a toddler) why you've given them the mirror... they'll start behaving like adults again soon enough...
I can appreciate apologizing to MIL, who seemed genuinely sorry but your SILs are condescending. That makes me wonder what their conversations are behind you. Me, I would tell SILs that if they cannot appreciate the error of their ways, then, maybe THEY need to speak with a professional. NTA. They ruined your holiday mood.
They irritate us and sometimes it's even deliberate and say we should not react? What nonsense. I just don't understand how do they expect us not to hv any emotions. And when we try to tell them to stop, my husband says I shouted even if I tell in a cool manner. If I let out my frustration, I am being a devil. BUT Y THE HECK DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND THT ITS THEM WHO CHANGED US LIKE THIS? Not at all the a*s... Bcz I totally understand u!
My mother is a mother, however she is so much more than that. She is a teacher, a reader, a great listener, and a provider of good advice. She is also the person I go to for help with anything technical, the person that does my taxes, and she's the person who's personality is similar to my own.
That's nice but this mom means she doesn't want to be called a maternal title by anyone other than her kids, or have it assumed the only things she's into is parenting related things. I'm sure your mom has a wide range of interests that doesn't revolve around being a mom. What you listed are some great skills and traits yours has. This woman sounds as though she is a great mom, too. All she's asking is for her in-laws to get to know her as a multi-dimensional human being with hobbies and interests that she's kept long before her kids came along.
Load More Replies... Just ignore anyone, other than your children, who call you "mama". Don't acknowledge that they are talking to you or asking you to pass the potatoes. This behavior is just as bad as people who refer to older women as "granny". Is that her whole identity? Maybe she's a university professor of advanced mathematics. No one calls older men "grampy". Thank you for speaking up for yourself. If anyone persists in calling you "mama", tell them that you are not their mother, then ignore them.
I had the same issue when I was a young mother. I too spat the dummy and I needed to keep spitting it for more than a few years. Yes women often get lost after having a baby, its not fair and honestly it's not going to change anytime soon unless we keep pushing... for thousands of years women most important role was having children, its going to take time to change this attitude
It's the same when your pregnant. Every one asks such questions- oh you're preggers, when is it due? Is it a boy or a girl? What are you hoping for? Is this your 1st? (No, it's my last!). It's like you're nothing but a baby vessel.
I so get this! I don't even know who I am anymore, no hobbies, nothing excites me, lost when my kids aren't here, because I devoted my entire being to becoming a mom. I truly lost my identity. I don't even get gifts and when I do its never something I wanted. The gifts I receive are as if I'm a stranger to my own family. At least they don't refer to me as "mom/mama." None of these same issues plague my husband 🤬. Ladies/Gents please don't lose yourself... EVER!
By the SILs reaction, I assume one or more of them are also mother's. It seems little weird to me for one mom to call another similar-age mom "mama". Should OP call her mama as well? That sounds confusing if 5 people in the house are all called "mama". Edit: OP is definitely NTA. I can see how the way she broached the subject got the defensive response she got from her SILs. I'm learning to state feelings and needs instead of asking questions. It can be really difficult in the moment when I am upset. It usually works out better if I give myself time to calm down before addressing the issue with the other person.
In some cultures the use of "Mama" is just used for every female. I wonder where they're from. When I was in NY it was very common in Puerto Rican/Dominican culture to call even little girls "Mama" as a term of endearment.
None of them said that it was normal for them or part of their culture though as an explanation, instead they got funny with her and tried to put her down so there was zero respect or attempt to be affectionate. Clearly it wasn't what she wanted regardless and they should respect her wishes.
Load More Replies... Devil's advocate here.. I call my best friend mama all the time. She isn't a mom but I call her mama because I find her to be very comforting and loving like how a mom should be. It's not me being disrespectful it's me showing her love by calling her mama.
But does she like it? I had a friend who kept calling me mama as well. It was weird and I didn't like it. I let it slide because it was a pet name she used for a couple of friends, but I definitely would have preferred not being called mama. I never said anything because she'd had some emotional trauma, her biological family were absolute turds, and even though she was super nice, most people treated her as an afterthought; it wasn't worth making her feel embarrassed. We don't speak anymore (she got a crazy conspiracy-theorist boyfriend and only regurgitated that bs), but at some point I would have gently brought it up. If you haven't, maybe just confirm that your friend is fine with being called mama.
Load More Replies... I understand where you are coming from I'm not sure if your inlaws are Spanish decent or not but MAMA is a term of endearment especially within Spanish families I'm not Spanish and I call alot of my friends mama i do not find it insulting I guess it's all in how you interpret it.. mind you some of my friends are younger and no kids so for me it's not a insult.. but I do understand and as far as gifts yes I agree they should be personal for you and not related to being a mom. 8m glad your MIL understood and apologized hope you all can move on from this and may your bonds grow closer.
She says she's asked them to stop calling her mama in the past, and they've ignored that request. Regardless of whether they view this as a pet name or not, she's asked them to stop. Her MIL's response was perfect. MIL (finally) heard her and apologized. The SILs look like they're going to be problems. It's disrespectful to force a nickname or pet name on someone who has requested to be called something else. Regarding your situation, you say you don't find it insulting to call your friends mama but that's your point of view, not theirs. While I doubt anyone would be insulted being called mama, some of your friends may not actually like it but are too polite to tell you. Nicknames and pet names are tricky.
Load More Replies... Her response that being a mom is the "most common, banal thing a woman could do" makes me think they may all be a bunch of As... Except the mother in law.
But it is banal. It's common and mundane. Doesn't define you. Nor does being a grandma. It doesn't mean you can't be overjoyed. Like you can be with others things in life that are also common
Load More Replies... YTA, I think 1st of all you need to realize "Mama" is the ultimate term of endearment and respect. Maybe looking at it that way will change your feelings about it. Although, I don't think it will be an issue anymore. 2nd of all, there are ways of doing things, and ways of not doing things. Sharing your feelings in a private, calm moment, YES. Snapping at, and embarrassing MIL in the middle of Xmas dinner when she is trying to bond, to show affection, NO. I think you should apologize publicly since you snapped at her publicly.
In some cultures, maybe. In hers it is not. In most it is not. I would not appreciate being called 'mama' by anyone that is not my child. Intent also matters and theirs was not one of endearment and respect - how can you miss that?? She has asked them repeatedly to stop, they have not. They are doing it deliberately because they know she doesn't like it. That's really unpleasant. Their whole attitude is patronising. She owes those SILs nothing. As for the MIL - SHE apologised at the time, so she understood.
Load More Replies... She is obviously not comfortable with, and is having difficulties finding her own identity, otherwise being called “Mama” wouldn’t bother her so much. I am a mom, wife, math teacher, coach…being a mother is my greatest joy. However, being a mom is a part of who I am, not what/who I am. I determine this for myself. There’s a reason you’re offended. Maybe you’re not satisfied with how you spend your time, maybe you expect more from yourself… Whatever the reason it’s your issue, don’t take it out on loved ones who mean no harm. In doing so, you are the @sshole.
Nonsense. Not wanting to be called mama by adults that she didn't give birth to doesn't mean she doesn't like being a mom or struggles to find her own identity. Her in-laws are the ones struggling to recognize that she has an identity apart from being a mother. In addition to only calling her mama, they also only gift her things directly related to her being a mother. Do your in-laws, students, athletes, or spouse only call you mama? Likely not. She's not complaining about occassionally being called mama (which would still be mildly ridiculous); her complaint is that none of her in-laws call her anything but mama. Perhaps if everyone in your life started calling you nothing but coach and only gifted you "World's Best Coach" items you'd understand her frustration.
Load More Replies... But it is one of the most common (occurring, found, or done often; prevalent) and banal (lacking in originality) things a woman can do. There's nothing original or new about having children except to that individual. People ARE doing it all the time. That doesn't make it an insult to say so or devalues the role. Yes there are people who can't but motherhood is also not just for those who give birth. To say otherwise devalues those who adopt.
Load More Replies... You're a troll aren't you? A lot of your comments give off that vibe.
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