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A significant number of adults are currently estranged from one or more family members
Being estranged from a family member is not that uncommon, yet many people shy away from discussing it.
“It’s still taboo. It’s quite a scary topic that people don’t want to talk about. They think it’s just something that happens to other people,” says Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England.
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In a recent survey, 38% of American adults said they are currently estranged from one or more family members. At least 16% of them said they no longer talk to their parent/parents.
For many, estrangement is about keeping themselves safe from physical and emotional harm.
In the same survey, 34% of people said they are estranged from a parent because of manipulative behavior. The same number of people said they cut off ties because of physical and emotional mistreatment. Another common reason cited was parents lying or betraying their kids.
“It’s usually about problematic parenting, like really harsh parenting, controlling parenting, authoritarian parenting. I don’t think anyone has to stay in a relationship in which they don’t feel safe. Often, we think of physical… but emotional (harm) is just as important to talk about,” says Blake.
While some people feel guilt and loneliness (it’s usually more pronounced around the holidays), research shows that a lot of adult children feel happier and less stressed after cutting off a parent.
In a survey, four out of five respondents reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. They felt freer and more independent, and were better able to understand themselves and their relationships.
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Young man in deep thought near a window, reflecting on a woman wanting to reconcile with her son after 32 years.
When someone who’s been out of your life for a long time passes away, it can bring up a lot of mixed feelings
Questions like whether you should go to the funeral, how to honor them, or whether to stop bad‑mouthing them can all come to mind.
There’s no single rule, and it’s okay to choose what feels right for you.
Some people go to funerals to say goodbye and find closure. Others don’t because being there would just reopen old wounds.
“When an estranged parent passes away, how you react is a very personal choice. A range of emotions can occur — some may feel a sense of relief while others suffer a complicated grief,” says New York-based licensed clinical social worker Jennifer Bohr-Cuevas.
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“To process the loss of an estranged parent, recognize that grief shows up as many different emotions. Validate and release your feelings. Create a support system. Seek out professional help if the grief is overwhelming. Most importantly, give yourself time,” she adds.
One way people sometimes honor a complicated relationship with a parent is by doing something personal instead of attending a funeral.
It could be lighting a candle, writing a letter to the person who passed, or making a private ritual that feels respectful on your own terms. These acts can help you acknowledge the loss without stepping into an uncomfortable room yourself.
“In one sense, I owe my parents everything in the literal, metaphysical and existential sense. But clearly, if I have survived some awful parental (harm), then presumably that means I have no further duty,” says philosopher Christopher Cowley from University College Dublin.
He says an ideal relationship between parent and adult child would resemble a friendship.
Young man sitting by window, looking thoughtful and sad, reflecting on reconciling with mother after 32 years apart.
Screenshot of a Reddit comment discussing a narcissistic mother favoring one child over the other after kicking out her son.
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Screenshot of a forum comment discussing a woman wanting to reconcile with her son she kicked out 32 years ago.
Comment discussing regret over lack of contact between mother and son after years of estrangement and reconciliation attempts.
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Text from Reddit post discussing a woman wanting to reconcile with son she kicked out 32 years ago and reasons behind it.
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Woman and adult son reconnecting emotionally after 32 years, seeking reconciliation and understanding past conflicts.
Middle-aged woman and adult son in a tense conversation, hinting at reconciliation after being estranged for decades.
Comment text on a white background discussing a son figuring out why his mother wants to reconcile after 32 years.
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Reddit comment about a woman suddenly wanting to reconcile with son she kicked out 32 years ago and his reaction.
Comment on a forum discussing a woman wanting to reconcile with son she kicked out 32 years ago, exploring her motives.
Reddit comment discussing a narcissist parent trying to reconcile with son she kicked out 32 years ago.
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Reddit comment about being kicked out at 18, reflecting on loyalty and its emotional impact in family reconciliation.
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Comment about woman wanting to reconcile with son she kicked out, reflecting on family perspective and history.
Comment text on social media relating to a woman wanting to reconcile with her son after 32 years apart.
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Woman wants to reconcile with son she kicked out decades ago, son discovers the reason behind her sudden change.
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I'm the Visual Editor at Bored Panda, responsible for ensuring that everything our audience sees is top-notch and well-researched. What I love most about my job? Discovering new things about the world and immersing myself in exceptional photography and art.
I'm the Visual Editor at Bored Panda, responsible for ensuring that everything our audience sees is top-notch and well-researched. What I love most about my job? Discovering new things about the world and immersing myself in exceptional photography and art.
I’m still laughing like a hyena at the suggestion that he attend the funeral and approach every female there and ask “Are you my mom?” and explaining when asked that his mom kicked him out because she forecasted he’d “be a b*m,” and that’s why he doesn’t know what his mom looks like! 🤣 I’m really happy he has no need of those awful people, and that they seem not to have managed to poison his relationship with his brother. Good for OP for not listening to those wretched people!
This is a hilarious idea, however, even s**t people have those who mourn them. So good on OP for not doing this at a funeral. The next family reunion however.....
I'd missed that comment, but did smile at it, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. It would be a cracking idea, but somehow I think the narcistic one would derail it and claim it as a win. I don't know how, but I have confidence that a narcistic person would stoop to levels I can't understand to make them seem like a good person / winner.
I’m still laughing like a hyena at the suggestion that he attend the funeral and approach every female there and ask “Are you my mom?” and explaining when asked that his mom kicked him out because she forecasted he’d “be a b*m,” and that’s why he doesn’t know what his mom looks like! 🤣 I’m really happy he has no need of those awful people, and that they seem not to have managed to poison his relationship with his brother. Good for OP for not listening to those wretched people!
This is a hilarious idea, however, even s**t people have those who mourn them. So good on OP for not doing this at a funeral. The next family reunion however.....
I'd missed that comment, but did smile at it, so thanks for bringing it to my attention. It would be a cracking idea, but somehow I think the narcistic one would derail it and claim it as a win. I don't know how, but I have confidence that a narcistic person would stoop to levels I can't understand to make them seem like a good person / winner.
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