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Parenthood is nigh impossible to actually describe to someone who hasn’t done it. This can cause a lot of uncertainty for expecting parents because how can someone actually give them actionable advice?
So we’ve gathered some of the most interesting posts by men who were asked online to share their honest feelings about being a father. Get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to upvote your favorites. If you feel like you’ve got something to add, feel free to share it in the comments section down below.
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#1
There’s no question having kids is really hard. You are correct that they are expensive, but more than that - they require SO much time. I have had moments where I grieve the life I no longer have. That’s normal and healthy, IMHO.
That said - kids can also be incredibly rewarding. I have two (7M and 2F) I love them so much, even when I don’t like them.
Watching them grow and experience life is really difficult to describe, but easily my favorite thing I have ever done. Especially with my wife.
Having kids is not for everyone, and I will never judge someone for not wanting them. But I don’t regret having mine.
StrangeOne 1 day ago
"I love them so much... even when I don't like them" - That's a compelling statement. It doesn't mean he hates his kids. He doesn't not like them, in general. It's those tough moments you just don't like how they're behaving and you can't wait for that stage to be gone. It's a complicated feeling that gets misunderstood easily.
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#2
Adding to the rest... You get to re-experience life through their eyes. I absolutely love watching their eyes light you when they learn something new or when I share with them a favorite book or movie and they experience similar emotions I did when I first enjoyed them. We share those experiences now. It's something wholly unique.
Zitronella 1 day ago
When I experience something truly wonderful, I always want my children to be there so I can share the experience with them. Creating beautiful memories is the best part of parenting.
#3
Biology plays a significant role in human behavior. Some of us reason our way against biology. Many of us reason our way through it.
I think many people thoroughly enjoy being a parent. Training a person to be better than themselves. Guiding a person and their friends through life. I can see the possible enjoyment in that.
For me and my wife. We're not that interested and the reasons against outweigh the reason for. This is a personal decision and expecting others to think the way you do doesn't make a lot of sense. It's like saying "why do people like broccoli? It smells and is bitter!"
Personal choice is just that. Personal.
Colleen Glim 1 day ago
They are a ridiculous amount of time, money, and effort. If you’re not prepared to put in that amount of work, don’t have them
#4
Throughout the majority of human history, for the average person marriage, children, and pets served a far more utilitarian purpose prior to the postwar era. A much higher proportion of the general population were either subsistence farmers/hunters/fishermen or worked in skilled labor. Children and spouses could help share the physical workload, and pets were mostly used for pest control, guarding property, and herding livestock.
After WWII, the subsequent suburbanization and general lifestyle/consumerist marketing presented the idea of marrying for love, your spouse should be your best/only friend, children exist as endless vessels of love and insurance for future caregiving during the elder years, and one’s entire emotional world should revolve around caring for children and pets. Most people are either employed as “knowledge workers” with sedentary desk jobs or in the service industry. Children and pets typically cannot assist an adult in carrying out their work tasks as they could in previous centuries. So for the first time in human history, childbearing is optional with no utilitarian benefits.
So I think it’s worth questioning how reasonable it is for an adult to spend the first 20-30 years of life occupied by school, hobbies, socializing, etc. and then pivot towards 24/7 caregiving (a completely different skillset/worldview) when many people are not natural born caregivers.
Put another way, if someone has worked professionally as an accountant for 15+ years, reassigning them overnight to work in a care home for disabled adults doesn’t carry over that many skills.
I think it’s another example of societal conditions changing faster than human norms.
Jenna Kay 17 hours ago
I agree that many people are NOT natural care givers. Not every woman has a mothering instinct, mine did not, and neither of my grandmothers did, and my sister outright dislikes children, but I am a natural caregiver - and if I could just take care of my grandchildren all day long, I would be thrilled, but a woman has to eat!
#5
Getting married and having kids for the wrong reasons are prob some of the worst mistakes you can make.
As for why to have kids..... only reason is that you really want kids, and you have the means to take care of them. It's just that simple.
StrangeOne 1 day ago
I agree. This is about making it work in the best way. Regardless of kids or none, couples don't last when they don't have the same goals in life. I'm not talking like needing to have the same hobbies and interests, and career goals. Having kids is an enormous commitment. Same with buying a house, choosing where to live, planning retirement.
#6
That's because you probably aren't meant to have kids. I'm not judging you because I don't want kids either lol.
I lnow many people who absolutely love being a parent. But i also know many regretful parents. And there is no "control + z" for having Kids. If you in it, you IN IT. So be sure you want that.
I constantly get people trying to push me to having a kid. "You gotta have at least one." F off no I don't. Half of these people are terrible parents, too and that's why they are suggesting it, because their lives are minimally impacted.
I don't want a kid BECAUSE I know I'll be a good parent. That lifestyle just isn't appealing to me. Apparently I value my freedom a lot more than most others do. And it's a freedom and spontaneity ender in my eyes, with my paycheck, and hours I work.
#7
Personally I don't see anything great about having kids. So I don't have them. It's that simple.
I'm sure they're great for those who want them, but you don't *have* to have kids.
Probably talk about it before marriage so you don't end up having the "wife wants kids" thing.
#8
That’s a great question. I have no idea. I am 46 with no kids and do not want to change it whatsoever.
#9
I think sometimes people take parents complaining too literally. I have two kids and being their dad is my favorite thing in the world, but it's BAD.
It's hard being looked up to in every aspect of life. Everything you do they see and duplicate. It's hard teaching your kids to be a better version of yourself. It's hard to always be tired, and play at the level of someone 30+ years younger than me. But I love it and I love them. They make my life better. But if people don't want kids, I totally get that too!
Andrew Keir 1 day ago
Some people think they'd be bad parents, but that's maybe because they have high standards and know the problems. It's the ones who are convinced they'd be good parents who sometimes should have had certain body parts removed at birth ...
#10
Depends on the person, depends on who you are.
#11
I agree. If somebody is SURE they want kids then 100% by all means go for it. But if you’re not sure, or you do it just because you think *that’s what I’m supposed to do*, then you’re making a huge mistake. Some people don’t take creating children seriously and thus we have so many kids growing up fatherless.
Luke || Kira (he/she) 1 day ago
On the other hand tho, "growing up fatherless" isn't as much of a sad, tragic life as everyone paint it to be. I'm actually really happy my mom didn't marry my sp3rm donor; I'm perfectly fine with him being only a footnote in my life. I've had MUCH more than enough love from the family who raised me.
#13
My kid gives me the greatest satisfaction I've had in my life. I've traveled the world. I make great money. I have a beautiful wife. I'm not a terrible musician lol. My kid beats all that.
That’s all I yam 1 day ago
I made OK money and I'm a terrible musician. The rest I agree with!
#14
You are correct in your assessment. No kids therefore we get to do what we want when we want wherever we want. I have other friends with kids and without kids. Guess which friends I just spent two weeks on vacation with.
#15
I wouldn’t have kids even if they paid me a million dollars. Not worth the hassle, time, anguish. I see more downsides than upsides.
#16
Everything isn’t as it seems on the surface, and not all satisfying life decisions are obvious in the first years. Things like this should be looked at as a 70 year old person. Do 70 year old people say “I’m glad I had extra money to buy an Audi and drive it around by myself” or do they say “watching my kids grow and go out into the world was a life affirming experience”.
#17
My friends who have kids swear that the good times make the rest of the time worth it, which has never seemed like a good tradeoff to me.
Becca not Becky 1 day ago (edited)
I'm a little confused by this. Is OP saying he expects there to only be good times? If good times are so good that they outweigh the bad, isn't that a good reason to do something?
#18
This is why I don’t have any kids. I have nieces and nephews, cousins and godchildren that I adore. I love that I can spend time with them,spoil them with movies, popcorn and cookies and the sent them home to mom and dad.
They are expensive, time consuming and, in the long run may make your life miserable because of god knows what.
Being an uncle or godfather puts me in a better position of power to effect change when things go south because they don’t think mom and dad know anything.
It’s amazing how much influence I have from this position. I can be more honest because I have the kids interest at heart without the complications of parenthood.
They know I am always on their side even if I disagree with them. It’s not the same as being the parent.
Becca not Becky 1 day ago
So you're not the parent but part of the village. Kids need that too! :)
#19
Most people love being parents, but for most people parenting is also too expensive and exhausting and isolating. If society were better for families, more people would love the experience. Humans did not evolve to parent in nuclear families, it is a huge psychological burden to not raise children with a group of other adults doing almost as much as the parents themselves do. People with money can minimize the stressors.
#20
Christmas is fun again
Tooth fairy
Bedtime stories
Playing silly games
Teaching them to swim / ride a bike / do everything
Playing on the park without looking like a nonce
Waking up to a little person cuddle
Their wonder at everything new
Watching them grow
Teaching them about things you enjoy and helping them explore new things they enjoy
Bluey (The dad in that program is epic)
They get more excited for your birthday than you do
Walls full of drawings
The hilarious things they say
I wasn't prepared for my daughters birth, but it's hands down, the single most amazing thing I've ever done. From being handed, what is essentially a micro poo machine in the hospital, to her being my best mate and watching her grow, it's amazing. I wish we'd done it sooner.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 day ago
This makes me miss my dad so much. I didn't get enough time with him.
#21
Yeah, right... blame women.
Just don't have any. It's pretty clear you're not dad material. Then you don't have to worry about it.
#22
I am over 30. I do not want offspring and feel that social pressure should not make you want a baby as well. Yippie!
Andrew Keir 1 day ago
Although others are allowed to report their feelings about their experiences, too.
#23
I'm with ya. I'm cool being the "fun uncle" and fire your kid up with a bunch of sugar then watch you have to deal with the aftermath. 😈.
#24
A lot of people derive satisfaction and fulfillment from having a family. Some folks don't. An unfortunate few try to be the first and find out that they're the second. I think most men are wired, to some degree, to want to have kids and be a father. I'm glad for the folks who don't that it's not as much of a deeply set default as it has been historically. The couple of friends I know who have kids swear by them, but most of my peer group aren't in a position to do so right now and several - including myself - are personally adamantly against having kids. It is what it is.
#25
My oldest graduated HS last night. I would do anything to wake up tomorrow and it be his first day of school again. Run it back.
Tamra 18 hours ago
"The days are long but the years are short". I can't remember who said that, but, for me, it adequately captures the way time passes when parenting. I'd give five years of my life to be able to hold his little hand again, or read him a bedtime story, or put him in his little backpack and take him on a hike. The time flew by so, so quickly.
#26
Father of 2 here. All the things you said in the first Paragraph. Difference is I’m older now and I hate money and people mostly anyway. I hate rest and sleep. I hate pooping alone and I hate food in fridge. I’ve done all the other stuff and I long for a different adventure and challenge. This adventure although extremely exhausting and mentally draining is ultimately more fulfilling in a part of my brain that I didn’t know existed. I’m on the back 9 and I guess I just don’t need it to be all about me anymore. I’m sacrificing 🤗.
Andrew Keir 6 hours ago
Evolution has equipped us with a strong desire to make babies. Fortunately, in most cases we have also been gifted the strong desire to care for them.
#27
Having kids is the ultimate humbling machine...in most cases with a few exceptions it will require you to develop patience and tolerance but it also teaches you to get out of yourself and actually start living life for someone else. Its like ripping out a piece of your heart and placing it on the outside you just want to care for it even if it can drive you crazy. You will find yourself feeling proud by the slightest and meaningless thing they do but deep inside you know you created that.
The best advice i can give to people who have a hard time or feel lousy because of dealing with their kids is to remember...remember when you were yourself a kid. Find joy in painting, dancing, watching cartoons, singing, etc. if specially if you used to enjoy that stuff when you were little.
Andrew Keir 6 hours ago
I like OP's suggestion that we should remember being a kid, even as we help (and watch) our kids become more like us. But never copies of us - they always bring something of their inner selves to the party.
#28
It gets easier. Once they go to college they don't come back. At least mine didn't. After 2 divorces the kids and their kids are all i have. So happy I have them.
#29
As someone with 7 month old twins, they brought my life purpose and a joy I never thought I could experience. Am I tired, exhausted, and depressed? Yes. For 4 months I had to feed them every 3 hours days and night. My social life is non existent. I am new levels of poor. I don't regret any of it for the joy they bring me.
That’s all I yam 1 day ago (edited)
Everything said was my path too. Never a regret. I hope everyone finds the path that works best for them, no matter what it is.
#30
I love my kid, it’s been such an enjoyable ride seeing her grow up. Its like if your dog could talk to you.
That’s all I yam 1 day ago
People might say it's wrong to compare your kid to a dog. I see it as expressing the joy of being with someone you love and take care of, and they love and take care of you too : - )
#31
Being a dad is awesome. It’s also exhausting and tiring and hard.
But being a dad and taking that step as a family is wonderful. You see your child figure out new things daily, your wife become a mom (or your partner become a parent etc) and you learn things about yourself.
It reframes a lot of life, and hopefully in a Way that you enjoy or come to enjoy
No greater happiness than my child seeing me walk up the front stairs and her bouncing up and down expecting to play with me.
#32
I was a single dad thanks to a bad ex wife who stopped birth control without telling me.
It was hard and drove me to do extreme things to make money and keep us fed. I don't recommend going through it that way.
All in all i love my son. He's grown up and trying to make his way through life. It wasn't easy, I guess in the end it was worth it but everything you've said is true. Its life we were born to suffer.
#33
Having a kid (he’s 4) is the most meaningful thing that has happened to me, and nothing else comes close. It’s a bond to a living being that can’t be replicated any other way. So yeah, it’s hard at times, but it’s all very much worth it.
#34
Your friends sound like bad fathers.
Having kids affords you the ability to learn that having a better, happy life doesn’t come down to having fun and enjoying your social circle.
It introduces a concept called fulfillment and it’s beautiful.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 day ago
People can achieve fulfillment through having fun and enjoying their social circle. I don't have children and I still feel fulfilled in my life. What a weird mindset that you can't feel "fulfilled" unless you have children, apparently.
#35
I love kids and am sad I'll never have one. Actually soul crushing to know because I'll never have a relationship that I can never have a kid. Can't explain it.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 day ago (edited)
I dove into OP's other comments/replies and he keeps going on about how it's "over" for him because of "his genetics". When pressed what he means by genetics, he says it's because "it has been objectively proven I am hideous". His replies and other comments make it clear he is not even trying or making any effort at all. He's apparently just sitting around wondering why opportunities for relationships aren't coming to HIM. He actually says "Opportunity never comes." Yeah, dude, sometimes you have to go make the opportunities yourself instead of complaining about how "ugly" you are and that's why no one wants you and you'll never have kids. EDIT: followed his post history as well. Found where he'd posted a selfie of himself. He is absolutely not hideous or ugly. He looks normal. Maybe not blazingly handsome, but he is normally attractive. But he says "I was born unable to have a good life." He's defeated himself.
#36
Indoctrination, then people do mental gymnastics to justify their mistakes when their life is over.
Andrew Keir 6 hours ago
We all mess up our lives a bit, and most of us are aware of this to some extent. But nobody can justify their own mistakes - we can learn from them (and even from the mistakes of others) but that doesn't fix the mistake, it just helps prevent us repeating it. Although, nothing is "all one person's fault", despite so many claims (or accusations).
#37
Many men grow out of the thrills of their 20s. I look back on them very fondly, having been well spent living an exciting life. Nothing extravagant, but fun, free and meaningful with very close friends and no cares in the world.
Free time, women, nights with friends, etc. are well spent on youth, but become easy to move on from when other meaningful things come along.
Tonight I'm at home, watching a show. My two little kids are sound asleep in their beds while my wife is out at her friends birthday. My two, very close, single, late-30s friends are hanging out playing video games and watching movies over drinks. I'd love to be there with them, but in a few hours when my kids wake up and wander over to my room after a bad dream or a bathroom break, will make me happy as can be.
Young kids are tiring, demanding, expensive, stubborn and selfish. But man do they ever have the power to warm your heart with a smile, a song, a hug, or punch in the throat. Little kids don't stay little for very long, but do they ever leave an impression.
#38
Kids give back in little ways and are a mirror to you in big ways.
Lots of character development for the parents as well.
Most people are too narcissistic to value the points I made above, so here's a couple more:
To your point, a post capitalist society really doesn't allow the middle class to succeed here. If you are poor, you'll keep cranking them out for benefits. And if you are rich? Who tf cares? You aren't raising the little devils anyway. The middle class gets hosed, having to pay for everything out of pocket.
Kids are most certainly a woman's prerogative as well.... I've only ever known a couple of men who genuinely wanted them. Contrary to virtue signalers on Reddit, kids *do* destroy relationships.
#39
Since none of the things we parents tell non-parents really can make sense (how would it? You kinda have to experience it to know what we mean), ask yourself this:
Take all the disadvantages you see. Take all the negatives you can think of. Add to this about 10% more negatives you haven't thought of just for good measure.
Quite negative, isn't it?
Well, now imagine how happy that child would have to make you to outweigh literally all of that and make you want another.
That is how seeing your kid grow up feels.
#40
Consider what life will be like when you're 60 or older. No children to visit and counsel, no grandchildren to compete with in video games.
You won't be 30 and carefree forever; take thought for tomorrow before making decisions for today.
What do you think ?
Becca not Becky 1 day ago (edited)
Being a parent has made me more understanding and more critical of my parents (and I had good ones)
Load More Replies...
Michael Largey 1 day ago
I'd rather regret not having children than have my children regret that I did.
Becca not Becky 1 day ago (edited)
Being a parent has made me more understanding and more critical of my parents (and I had good ones)
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 1 day ago
I'd rather regret not having children than have my children regret that I did.
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