I Use Medication To Turn Off My Feelings: Don’t Judge My Survival
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Since the tragic death of my son by suicide I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. My doctors subsequently prescribed medications to go with the therapy I was receiving. Albeit, the symptoms have thankfully dissipated to a tolerable degree, these elixirs have produced a completely different psychological manifestation.
I began to feel numb after taking my medications for a while. I do not cry anymore…about hardly anything! I very rarely feel sad, angry, impatient, or any of the so-called “negative” emotions. Everything melded into just following the day-to-day pattern and feeling lots of nothing. I rarely show my sadness; however, it was always there just under the surface. Grief waits for me to stop taking the medications and give the monster a chance to rear his ugly head.
I did try to stop the “magical elixirs” that lead to my coveted numbness. It was a disaster! I went from one extreme to the next! Tears and sorrow became my constant companions. It was as if the grieving process restarted again. My heartbreak was new again and I was at the mercy of the harsh, ruthless reality of my life’s worst nightmare.
When given the choice, I had to decide on the quiet pseudo-reality of my medicated mind. I must function, work, live, and when necessary can even pretend I haven’t suffered the tragedy of child loss. Calmness, quietness, and the ability to live with this injured psyche have allowed me to move ahead and focus on trying to help others. Though I know the pain and heartbreak will seep through at times, I can continue down my chosen path which entails survival.
Yes, I know one day I must face my tormentors which include immeasurable grief, loss, and the undeniable truth of a grieving mother. I’m not ready! I can’t let the monster out of his hidden fortress. I would I fear certainly go mad or shrivel into nothingness. Am I so wrong to keep my pain at bay for now? I don’t think so because it is my life and my survival at stake!
Why would anyone judge me for relying on the pharmaceutical therapy to ensure I have a sense of empowerment? This situation would leave almost any parent despondent and inconsolable. Some may think me weak to rely on medications. I do not share that sentiment. I think it makes me strong to make choices that enable me to move on with my life. To those who disagree I ask you this question: if you were in a situation and had the choice to carry on and care for your family or curl up in a corner and give up, what would you choose?
I know this medicated lifestyle can’t last forever! I am aware there are ramifications to taking medications for long periods! I am just trying to live my life to the best of my abilities for the moment.
A quote comes to mind: “don’t judge my path if you haven’t walked my journey!”. I hope with all my heart you never chance to walk my journey. However, if you do, remember there is no shame in using the tools available to ensure your survival!
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Since the tragic death of my son by suicide I have dealt with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. My doctors subsequently prescribed medications to go with the therapy I was receiving. Albeit, the symptoms have thankfully dissipated to a tolerable degree, these elixirs have produced a completely different psychological manifestation.
I began to feel numb after taking my medications for a while. I do not cry anymore…about hardly anything! I very rarely feel sad, angry, impatient, or any of the so-called “negative” emotions. Everything melded into just following the day-to-day pattern and feeling lots of nothing. I rarely show my sadness; however, it was always there just under the surface. Grief waits for me to stop taking the medications and give the monster a chance to rear his ugly head.
I did try to stop the “magical elixirs” that lead to my coveted numbness. It was a disaster! I went from one extreme to the next! Tears and sorrow became my constant companions. It was as if the grieving process restarted again. My heartbreak was new again and I was at the mercy of the harsh, ruthless reality of my life’s worst nightmare.
When given the choice, I had to decide on the quiet pseudo-reality of my medicated mind. I must function, work, live, and when necessary can even pretend I haven’t suffered the tragedy of child loss. Calmness, quietness, and the ability to live with this injured psyche have allowed me to move ahead and focus on trying to help others. Though I know the pain and heartbreak will seep through at times, I can continue down my chosen path which entails survival.
Yes, I know one day I must face my tormentors which include immeasurable grief, loss, and the undeniable truth of a grieving mother. I’m not ready! I can’t let the monster out of his hidden fortress. I would I fear certainly go mad or shrivel into nothingness. Am I so wrong to keep my pain at bay for now? I don’t think so because it is my life and my survival at stake!
Why would anyone judge me for relying on the pharmaceutical therapy to ensure I have a sense of empowerment? This situation would leave almost any parent despondent and inconsolable. Some may think me weak to rely on medications. I do not share that sentiment. I think it makes me strong to make choices that enable me to move on with my life. To those who disagree I ask you this question: if you were in a situation and had the choice to carry on and care for your family or curl up in a corner and give up, what would you choose?
I know this medicated lifestyle can’t last forever! I am aware there are ramifications to taking medications for long periods! I am just trying to live my life to the best of my abilities for the moment.
A quote comes to mind: “don’t judge my path if you haven’t walked my journey!”. I hope with all my heart you never chance to walk my journey. However, if you do, remember there is no shame in using the tools available to ensure your survival!
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I am sorry for your very painful loss. I hope one day you find peace and true joy in your heart, which I can only think you would be able to find without being numbed by medications. I too numbed myself with pills and it only led me down a darker hole, it wasn't till I stopped it all and was able to clear my mind, confront my issues and properly deal with them that I started to see the light. Although I believe God made that possible and has transformed me completely I still had to do the work. I pray that, whether you have faith or not, that day will come for you too. Hang in there, you will make it through.
Thank you for your kind words! I know the day will come for me to face my truth.
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I wouldn't begin to judge you. Your pain has to be excruciating . I have a friend that lost both of her children to drug overdoses . She struggles, &, is medicated, too. This was a good family that is now suffering extreme grief.
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. We must do things we don't like in the name of survival...
Load More Replies... I am sorry for your very painful loss. I hope one day you find peace and true joy in your heart, which I can only think you would be able to find without being numbed by medications. I too numbed myself with pills and it only led me down a darker hole, it wasn't till I stopped it all and was able to clear my mind, confront my issues and properly deal with them that I started to see the light. Although I believe God made that possible and has transformed me completely I still had to do the work. I pray that, whether you have faith or not, that day will come for you too. Hang in there, you will make it through.
Thank you for your kind words! I know the day will come for me to face my truth.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't begin to judge you. Your pain has to be excruciating . I have a friend that lost both of her children to drug overdoses . She struggles, &, is medicated, too. This was a good family that is now suffering extreme grief.
I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. We must do things we don't like in the name of survival...
Load More Replies...
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