Hey Pandas, How Are You?

Ye ye

oh :( i hope whatever pain, physical, mental, or emotional, will go away soon for you

Thanks

It's not going to be okay

It is. I promise. As soon as you get to Washington, it's going to be so much better. You can get whatever clothes you want, you'll get cleared for HRT, you'll be free from your parents.

That's not happening though

It will. Please, just call CPS. I promise they'll get you out.

They won't

They will. Every case I've found, they side with the child. They'll listen to you, they have to. Even if you don't have physical evidence, you have more than enough behavioral evidence.

What behavioral evidence

It's all on the doc. Antisocial behaviors, disconnect, an aversion to your family, etc. They'll listen to you and they'll believe you.

Why the heck would they listen because I'm not social? Lol. And what do you mean by disconnect

They look for specific antisocial behaviors that indicate abuse/neglect, and I mean, like, 'shutting down' or trying to emotionally distance yourself from the situation, if that makes sense? (but again, these are just a few examples)

Oh okay

I'll be right here, ok? I know you probably still can't call me, but the offer stands if you're not ready to call CPS yet and you need to talk to someone.

I just need to think about what to do for a little bit. Anything you want to talk about?

That's ok. And uhhh nothing in particular, hbu? I'm currently switching between homework, finding the right pants for my halloween costume, and working on another custom I've been procrastinating on lol

IDK. I haven't slept and it's 4:36 am lol

Oof yeah try to get some sleep

Nahh

I can sleep in Seattle lol

Ok :) also wtf bp cut off half my comment, I also said "this might sound kinda silly but I know some good asmr channels if you need something like that"

What even is ASMR lol

It's usually, like, sounds that are supposed to make you have this weird tingly feeling? idek lol... the channels I like are mostly just ✨positivity✨ and ✨cozy vibes✨ and talking to you until you pass out, with a bunch of funny triggers like writing on your face and inaudible whispering and stuff... it sounds really weird but it's actually kinda nice :)

Keep checking every few minutes if you want, I'll tell you when I do something. Thanks for being here for me <3

Of course <3 I’m really glad you’re comfortable talking to me about it, I’ll keep checking in.

I don't literally mean every few minutes btw I meant like maybe once or twice an hour lol

Hey May, just wanted to check in again :) I might have to get offline soon, but I’ll probably be available for a while longer (like an hour or so? Maybe longer? Idk. Anyway, how are you rn?)

OMG I'm so sorry I fell asleep

No worries, I’m glad you got some sleep :) do you still want to go through with the plan this weekend, or do you need some more time? Either way is fine.

IDK. I came up with a plan that doesn't involve injury though

That’s great!! What is it? (If you’re ok sharing)

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Ohh that’s a great plan!!

Oh and also the other site I told you about? Like 10 people, some of which my "friends" literally tried to bully me off because I'm trans and also a few of them think I'm annoying without explaining why 💀

That’s such bullish!t… people need to grow tf up and get out of their little cishet bubbles

And of course dp/Wade participated in it because he's the actual worst

Ugh I’m sorry :( btw did you join trevorspace? There have been one or two incidents with trolls since I joined, but they got shut down REALLY quickly

Not yet, I will once I'm not busy with all this s**t :)

Alr fair :)

When should I do my plan?

Hmm idk… what would be the easiest time for you? Maybe if you have a chance to be home alone?

I don't

Ok, here’s an idea: pack a bag with everything you need (phone and charger, spare clothes, some water and maybe food, whatever you might need) and get out while you’re family’s asleep. Once you’re away from your house, call CPS.

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Hmm ok… on second thought idk if you should lie to CPS about that, if they find out that you were lying it could really mess up your case. If you have evidence of threats, though, that’s enough. Is there any way you’re able to get away? Maybe going somewhere on your own, or with friends, during the weekend? It’ll make it a lot easier if you’re able to get out of the house and away from your parents before calling CPS

No. I'm trapped here

Sh!t.. ok, when do you leave the house? Do you go with your parents when they get groceries or anything like that?

Sometimes

Alr when you have an opportunity to get out of the house, try to get alone for long enough to call CPS… or, you could tell your parents you’re going for a walk, and do it then?

This again raises the issue i have no proof

You have a recording of threats. You’d almost certainly show the behavioral signs I talked about earlier. They’re required to respond to any reports of abuse/neglect, so even if you don’t have 100% concrete proof they still have to listen to you and give you a chance. Trust me, you have enough.

Not threats. Admitting to a singular threat and claiming it was the only one

I'm back :)

Alr I need to go offline now, I’ll message you as soon as I wake up. Personally I think the best plan would be to say you’re going for a walk, and then call. Also pack a bag, if you’re able to do that without getting caught. Gn <3 (even though it’s not night for you lol)

It’s still enough. Just tell CPS the truth, it’ll all turn out ok. (Also, another idea- if your whole family is going somewhere and you know they’re not going to cancel it, fake sick. I think there are safe ways to make yourself throw up. That way you’ll get a chance to stay home while they go somewhere)

May those aren't your friends those are s****y people. Please get off that site it seems really bad

Oh okay :)

May I know you don’t know me well but please call cps. It can only do you good. We’re all here for you <3

:) my favorites are Luna Bloom (who does a lot of positivity stuff, but also curses a lot lol, here's a good one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5zbwaf3pi8) and Gibi ASMR (who's very... professional? idk how else to describe it. She does sooo many different themes/styles that it's hard to pick just one video to recommend)

You can sleep in Seattle but you can also sleep in Oklahoma and as someone who isn't taking their meds because they're lazy at least one of us needs to sleep

If you need to take meds just take them. Please?

They're not even actual meds it's just mugwort tea and anyways I've been getting at least a couple hours of sleep without it I think. Also being tired helps me dissociate so I don't have to experience life (being able to dissociate on purpose is the best fast forward button) and I'm always too tired to go get it once I should. I'm really using all of my energy to just continue being alive, expecting me to function might be a bit over the top

Hey crow!

Hi!!

Hru?

Not dead and craving black olives hbu

I want to play in f*****g traffic and i probably will because I can't escape and life is s**t

You'll be okay, we can still get you out. Have you tried anything yet? Also, I was serious about the suicide thing. I've attempted and I'm willing to try my best to keep living if you are

Suicide thing? Also, how do I get out? Everything I can think of would just make it worse

Yeah like if you don't try to kill yourself, I'll hold off on doing it. Ideally you call cps, but if you have a better idea go for it.

You better not do it ever. And if I call CPS, they won't believe me. I have no proof and it would make everything worse

Thank you that has fixed my brain problems (I'll definitely wait until you're in Seattle and safe and at that point I might be doing better mentally and if I'm not at least you'll be there) and CPS will believe you, especially if you fake more proof than you have (and you have it) which you should do. It might not make stuff worse, there's a chance your parents realize that for you to call cps they might be doing something wrong, and they might be more careful with their abuse after actual authorities are called even if they don't remove you

If you kill yourself I probably near definitely will too. And when should I call?

That is the reason why I'm not gonna try again while you still need me. You should wait as long as possible, but once that's run out (like, to the point where you've already waiting longer than is mentally possible and healthy and are sitting down with your literal only two choices being suicide or cps) then call them, say that you're having a suicidal crisis and in an unsafe environment with emotionally and sometimes physically (right?) abusive parents/siblings and a physically abusive brother who has been allowed to continue abusing you, and if cps isn't specific to oklahoma/ you'd be safe telling them, mention that you aren't allowed to transition. Also mention the threats, and if you can, give yourself more minor injuries and blame your brother

I'll always need you. And yeah that sounds like a plan. But that will probably take a while

We'll see about that, and I'm fully prepared for that to take a while. As long as you're alive, I'm good with it. It'd obviously be great if you're happy too but as it is, alive is significantly better than not alive

True. And you'll see :)

Yep! Also there's updates that you need to hear about and I might be able to introduce u 2 two new people once ur in seatrle

I'm back! Tell me the updates

So the transfer one is really high energy and funny (like me) and we kind of just amplify each other and do stupid s**t (we were throwing my instant hot chocolate at each other until one broke and then we made hot chocolate) and the transmasc one is really sweet and nice and sort of the voice of reason, also they're both really open to physical touch so I finally feel like I've actually gotten enough physical touch and I'm not craving it constantly it's really nice. They also have convinced me that I have adhd and apparently think that my family situation is 'unhealthy' and the transfem one accidentally stole my knife cause she took it whenever I wasn't actively using it (they both know I had been planning to kms)

Your family situation is unhealthy, and they sound fun :) can't wait to meet them. How many people IRL know about me?

Just the first friend for now (the one who's name you know) but I'm considering telling them to get their help, the transfem one has (kind of sucky) experience with the foster care system and might be able to help. She's also transfem and so are you and maybe you two could get in contact and idk talk about transfem s**t

Yeah, tell them :) and that sounds fun :)

I will! She can also only contact people through email so you two are perfect for each other

Hey, how are you doing crow? We haven't talked in a while, and I wanted to check on you.

Hey Perc! It's been a while since we talked

Ikr! Do you want to talk about positive things or negative things?

IDK. I want to die :)

I really don't want you too :) Aren't you planning to go to seattle?

I'll try, but it probably won't work :)

I'm glad you are trying, what's the plan? :)

There isn't really one :) except for calling CPS

A plan is a plan, as long as you are trying :) Anything positive happen this week?

Nope :)

Sorry to here that, anything you are looking forward to? Can be as far in the future as you'd like :)

I'm good

Also my family isn't actually bad I'm literally just dramatic as f**k and I misunderstand a lot of stuff, my mom isn't a wonderful parent but she isn't a bad one and I'm a pretty hard kid either way

No, your family is bad

Hey May, I just read your bio, and I know you are talking to crow rn, but I wanted to let you know I'm here if you need to talk :)