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“He Couldn’t Handle It”: 29 Stories About Priests And Nuns Deciding They’d Had Enough Of Their Lifestyle
When you’re about to graduate from school, and everyone is asking about what’s next, they often mean career, not your spiritual world. But to some of us, that’s more important than anything else and inspires us to join the seminary or enter a monastery.
However, time changes and so do we, and what feels like an easy decision in one moment might not hold up five or fifteen years down the line.
So today, we turn to the world’s biggest religion, Christianity, and its most widely followed denomination, Catholicism, to look at something more personal and complex. Specifically, stories we found online from former priests and nuns who realized that life in the Church was no longer for them and chose to leave.
Their honesty serves as a reminder that sometimes our path might twist and turn, and require us to backtrack, before we find where we’re actually meant to be.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
I’m not an ex-priest but my uncle is. In 2008 in California there was a proposition (prop 8) that sought to overturn the legalization of gay marriage. My uncle’s bishop sent out a mass directive to all the priests to urge their parishioners to vote yes on 8.
My uncle is gay and said he could not in good conscience follow the bishop’s order because he knew what it felt like to be a gay kid in the pews being told that you’re an abomination. Instead he wrote a speech and called the press.
At the end of mass he said they were free to go but they could stay and listen to something he had to share. He came out as gay and shared with the parishioners why he felt it was immoral to vote yes on 8. He was suspended as a priest and continued being an lgbt activist, including handcuffing himself to the White House fence in protest of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I’m super proud of him.
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#2
My uncle joined the seminary (I think it was the Christian Brothers, or something similar) in the '60s. He left after a few months because he said the seminary was full of creepy gay guys playing mind games on each other.
But here is the kicker, at that time he had never heard the words "gay" or "homosexual." He just knew that sometimes people called him a sissy. A few months after he left the seminary, Time magazine published it famous "The Homosexual in America" article. He said that he read it and thought "OH, that's what I am." He came out in 69 or 70 to my family, maybe it was when he met his boyfriend (this was right before I was born, not exactly sure of the timing.) He was with his boyfriend, they never got legally married, for 45-46 years. Unfortunately, his partner passed away a few months ago. It was really the longest, most loving relationship on that side of my family.
He also built a cabin by hand in the mountains and wrote a series of gay cowboy romance novels.
My gay uncle is pretty cool.
#3
Not me, but my uncle. I think he chose a seminary that didn't suit him. They had a daily/weekly amount of time in total silence. He couldn't handle it.
Married with kids afterwards. My aunt is a riot and just all around lovable. One of his kids is in local politics, where he's spearheaded positive changes increasing local services to people in need.
Bonnie Blue Bird 1 day ago
My bestie wanted me to join her on a weeklong silent yoga retreat ... told her flat out. I would not last a DAY! 😂
#4
The Netherlands, 1974 - My wife's brother left the Seminary because the novice master couldn't keep his hands off 'the boys'.
Virgil Blue 1 day ago
One of my uncles, a very nice guy, was always a little strange. I learned only as he was dying that he was put in a RC boarding school as a kid where the priests and monks gr4ped all the kids and threatened them not to reveal it or they and their parents would go to hell.
#5
My aunt and uncle are an Ex nun and an Ex brother. They met each other in service and left to pursue a relationship. They are still devout Catholics. My mom went to convent for High School but stopped short of taking her vows. She stated it was because she wanted a family. She’s a narcissist though, so who knows.
santhosh cabinkerala 1 day ago
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#6
Former seminarian here. I was in for three years after I left college to go to seminary. It was a tough experience and I'm still putting my life together after leaving. Leaving I felt like I lost my life and when I ended up leaving the church for about the same reasons I left seminary I lost all my connection to the Catholic world. My former seminary friends stopped talking to me and I lost the social aspect of being Catholic (theology on tap, sem events, etc). It sucked.
Seminary itself was a bit of a nightmare. I was ousted very quickly in our *very*conservative seminary on our opening weekend retreat, as a 'liberal' and subsequently was scorned by about 60 percent of the population from the get go. All I did was say that I was considering joining the Jesuits during my time on the retreat.
Classes were alright but really easy for me. Our professor's wavered between alright and absolutely terrible. Some of the classes basically just turned into 'Catholic Ideology 101'. I never got a degree because I left my third year in college and left seminary before I could complete the requirements for my philosophy degree.
You were definitely persuaded to think a certain way and the sheltered nature of the seminary made dissonance very difficult. They followed me around and took note of just about everything I did. They demanded my expulsion multiple times.
My favorite part was the library and all the time I had to read. I stayed longer then I should have because going into my third year I realized I didn't want to be there anymore after I had an actually good summer mission (working with Jesuits in Louisania) and I realized how jaded everyone in the seminary was. The ultra-conservatives all came from SUPER rich Opus Dei families and I couldn't handle how little actual charity work we did. Sure we did retreats for youth groups, ran social events, and whenever the bishop needed anything he made a seminarian do it. Actual charity work? Maybe once a semester.
My spiritual director (one of the few priests I genuinely loved) convinced me to stay longer but I left a little after winter break. A priest I despised was given a position at the seminary and decided to try and make my life a living hell. He kept urging the ulta-conservative seminarians to 'fraternally correct' me every time I made a 'theological error stemming from pride', because I think modern theology is more important then ancient or medieval theology.
I don't talk about this part of my life much anymore because it's really difficult to explain to people what seminary is like if you aren't Catholic.
#7
My father was a priest in the 60s and 70s (he didn't meet/marry my mother until many years later). He left the order after his mother passed away. I wish I could tell you more about it, but he didn't talk about those years. I recently found some letters that hinted at many years of growing disillusionment that was shared by among his peers. They were frustrated by Church politics, disappointed by the failed promises of Vatican II, and especially frustrated by their missionary assignments in backwater countries where they were sent as punishment and felt they didn't have the resources to make a difference in their communities. There were also hints of resentment at being pushed towards this life when they entered seminary at the tender age of 14, torn from their families and told what they should want in order to make God and their families proud. Many of the men he grew up with ended up leaving the priesthood when they realized it wasn't the right life for them, that they'd been cheated of having love and a family. (Which isn't to say it was the wrong choice for all of them. Some were clearly thriving in their roles, but it's not a choice a 14 or even an 18 yr old has the maturity to make with clear eyes.)
#8
My uncle, who was a Catholic priest, got discouraged by the issue of the mistreatement of children by priests in the 1980s in the US. He had a hard time understanding how any man dedicated to helping and supporting parish life could harm a child. Eventually, that crisis ended up on the front pages of newspapers of that period since there was no internet. He later told me how depressed and sad it made him that even some members of the hierarchy had tried to hide the truth about what their priests had done. He spoke with his bishop about his deep concerns. Eventually, he met a woman and got married outside the church. He didn't get a dispensation; instead, he moved out of the rectory where he lived, got an apartment, and went back to graduate school to become a psychologist in marriage and family life. Many of his fellow priests did similar things.
#9
I was a seminarian for 3 years.
I blame it on my parents’ divorce. As a result, I became super religious. My mom was a convert who converted to please her MIL, my dad was PIMO for most of my early childhood, POMO, by my teens.
I decided to enter seminary my senior year of HS. The 1984 aspect of it shattered me. Always being watched.
Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and left, with the intention to join the Servites.
One day I realized I was gay, and had to choose between the church and being gay. I chose gay.
I’m now madly in love with another man. Religiously, I say I’m a deist with interest in Norse mythology.
Also, I reconnected with my first roommate, and it turns out he is also one of those dastardly homosexuals.
#10
I am an ex Catholic priest. I was in for 21 years, including seminary. I have been out and not practicing for several years. I am married now to a practicing Catholic and have a job in commercial construction. Leaving was so much easier than I expected. Nearly every day has been better than the day before since I left. I lost a few friends and all my internet points but I have gained a ton of peace. I left in a good way. There was no drama or issues as I was leaving. I simply started to tell people I was done and moved in with my brother’s family who helped me transition out. I have a letter from Pope Francis laicizing me but from the moment I signed the papers I could really care less about the church. I used to think I was living some heroic life healing and helping people. I know i did some good but really I feel like the church is a sinking ship and I needed to get off or go down with it. I wish I could tell you all the crazy stuff that comes from being on the inside and living/working with priests who have had a lot of issues. In the end it all just got to be too much for me. As the years went by most of my peers dropped out or fell in love or just went nuts. Frankly I had no intimate friends and no one on the inside to spend time with. I was witness to the troubles of my mentors and teachers as the older priests were less and less able to hide their issues and secrets. I would look around and be unable to point to an older priest that seemed to be truly healthy, holy and happy. The sanest and healthiest people in my life were outside the church… so that is where gravity took me. Lately I’ve been thinking about how fortunate I was to get out before COVID. Those guys must be eating each other alive. I joined Reddit and this sub shortly after leaving and have found comfort in hearing your stories and perspectives. I never would have imagined how wonderful life could be with my amazing wife and working in a previously completely foreign career.
#11
I was a religious sister for about a decade. I left because I became very unwell with an eating disorder. I had also been treated badly by other sisters during my time in the convent and had received psychological support (which was also frowned upon). When I left and received support and treatment, I realized that what I’d been through was bad and that it had probably led to my developing an ED. I’m still in therapy for PTSD.
SILENTPOOL 23 hours ago
Why the heck is receiving psychological support frowned upon?! Thats ridiculous T^T
#12
I had a strong calling to the Jesuits, but as a brother. I really enjoyed the spiritual development, but left after five years, after proper discernment, and spent the next 30-odd years working very successfully with street children in Africa. Also, I got married and raised three children. I'm now retired, and I live a lay contemplative life, which has brought real peace. To be honest, I think that the time for religious orders is now mostly over, except maybe for the likes of the Franciscans. And then there are irrelevant, secretive orders that serve only their leaders through power trips. It’s the time of the laity in the church. So much work can be more effectively done as layity. A whole realignment is happening. Some religious orders will and should remain. The majority will fade away, and the laity will take their rightful place in the church.
BrunoVI 1 day ago
Historically, religious orders helped maintain a separation of Church and State: The "secular" or "diocesan" priests answer to a Bishop, who is head of a church province, called a diocese. But in historical times, a king could exert significant pressure on who was named Bishop. "Religious" priests answer to an "Ordinary" who is chosen from among their order, ensuring authority was not local. But for hundreds of years, the selection of bishops has nothing to do with the local government, so "religious orders" lack a clear purpose, and have instead become better known for working outside of their home countries, making it very ironic that Popes Francis and Leo are the first popes to belong to religious orders in a many, many centuries.
#13
I got sick of turning my mind into a pretzel to try to rationalize their 'facts.'
#14
I left mainly because of my mental health. To be brief, while at seminary my mental health began to deteriorate overtime, and my duties amongst other things were becoming increasingly burdensome. So I felt I had to make the difficult decision to leave.
Life after has been a struggle. Aside from me getting my mental health in order, what has been most difficult is me creating a new identity for myself. Beforehand I saw myself as being a future priest, and I felt others saw me as a future priest. Now, I’m having to create a new life for myself, while also accepting that my relationship with the Church as well as myself looks different now.
I also have to accept that the Church and diocese views me differently. I think that is what has been particularly difficult for me. I felt like people had their hopes on me becoming a priest, and that they even saw me as a holy man. Now, whether out of pride or insecurity I often wonder how they see me. So it has been difficult for me reconnecting with the Church and adjusting to my new state of life.
Honestly, it is kind of difficult putting my experience into words. I’ve lost a lot by me leaving, but I’ve also gained a lot too. I’ve learned so much about myself and life. I also am closer to my family, and I feel like I’m in a good place most of the time. But I’ve lost relationships, part of my identity, a good education, and free food!
A priest once said to me that joining seminary is difficult, but leaving is even harder. I think he may be right. It certainly has not been easy, but I think anyone who leaves seminary probably handles it differently. So my experience may not be the same as others.
Lyone Fein 1 day ago
IMHO a person is holy because of the holy things they do, like caring for those in need, giving to tose who cannot return the favor, etc. Holiness has nothing to do with what job you have, or where you are going to school.
#15
I was in active discernment for 3 years and in the Seminary for two. That was 14 years ago. I believe that had I discerned that God was calling me to the priesthood, I would have done well. However, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I was made for someone. I met my wife in 2011 and have been married for eight years. It wasn’t until I met my wife that everything became clear. That I needed the seminary before I met her.
SILENTPOOL 23 hours ago
Ahhhh so down at the bottom is where all the positive ones where they helped them move forward in life and they just changed their minds are
#16
The Bishop made it very clear to me that i wouldn't be ordained past subdeacon because I wasn't Greek enough. He personally didn't care, he said, but his parishes absolutely refused non Greek priests.
My life since has been a constant mess of attempting a life of whatever service to my God and my Church i can render, while trying to navigate the political cauldron of lava under me.
BrunoVI 1 day ago
Since the vast, vast majority of non-Protestant Christians in America are Catholics (the word means "universal"), this might seem confusing, but Orthodox churches have separate heirarchies for separate cultures. Hence, while the Greek Orthodox church recognizes the validity and orthodoxy of other Eastern Orthodox churches, they also seek to retain their own character and in a multi-cultural nation like America tend to be suspicious of people simply "shopping" for their favorite church.
#17
3 1/2 years in seminary. I eventually realized through prayer and discernment is that what I was really called to was the married life. Been married 4 years now with 2 young kiddos and couldn't be happier.
JoNo 1 day ago
There are other options for being a priest and being married. My father was an Anglican (Episcopalian) priest who had a wife and four children. To this day I occasionally throw into a conversation that my dad was a priest - the looks on people's faces are priceless (eg, confusion, stunned, embarrassed laughter).
#18
My community wasn't a very healthy community. The mother superior suffered from mental health issues (she was open with us about this), and there was just a lot about the situation that wasn't good. We had a bit of a mass exodus with six of the 11 sisters in formation leaving within a week of each other. It was messy. Kinda felt like a movie, not real life, with a lot of plotting, secret meetings in the woods, and a few 'prison break'-style escapes. Not how I would've wanted it to happen. But Mother made it difficult for us to leave the 'right' way.
#19
I have a buddy who was a priest. They put him in charge of annulments for the diocese, and he hated it. He kept trying to get away from it; he didn't want to help end marriages. Finally, he got sick of it and left.
Kelly Scott 19 hours ago
Amazing what Catholics had to go through to married. In the "Karen" books, Karen's adopted sister and her boyfriend who got divorced from his wife and then converted, had to have their case heard by Rome and they had to wait seven years before they could marry. I would never let religion play that big a role in my life.
#20
So, why did I leave? Technically, because I was asked. My superior was wrong about many things, but she was right that I was horrifically unhappy in the convent. When you think God has asked you to do something, you do it — even long after the thing has made you a shell of who you once were. The reality? I left because there was bullying, the agony of being slowly getting cut off from your family, being worked to the bone, and gaslighting. I didn’t have a spiritual director; there was no external forum. I still can’t go to mass without feeling immensely angry at God for bringing me into existence. I don’t not believe in Catholicism, but I don’t think any amount of therapy will bring me to the point of having any warm and fuzzy feelings about the whole thing. I do what’s required of me to be a Catholic in good standing, but I’m miserable in my faith. The problem with religious life is that you are incessantly taught that the voice of God comes through your superior. Unfortunately, if your superior treats you terribly….well, you can fill in the blanks. Humans are fallible, but the Church allows religious sisters to get away with a lot, and I have a hard time being at peace with that. If religious life is an eschatological sign, then I am horrified at the prospect of heaven. The only softening within myself that I can find towards religious life is realizing that the sisters who treated me the worst were victims themselves. I truly can’t think of anything more detrimental to my faith than my time spent in the convent, and based on the experiences of other women who have left, I could not recommend the lifestyle. Connecting with other women who have left religious life has been a gift. It’s the worst club full of the best people. Our experiences are all different, but ultimately are just variations of the same unhealthy theme.
Display Name 1 day ago
I guess the continued forcing yourself through something making you so miserable is the belief you HAVE to do it because it's right and the installed fear to leave because it's wrong? That has to be awful and is extremely toxic and so unhealthy mentally.
#21
I got tired of being treated like a rented mule. I don't want to scandalize people. I don't want to scare away those with a calling from genuine discernment about religious life. I hope that the community of Sisters I discerned with can be salvaged and is working to fix its issues. I also don't want to disappoint the hundreds of people who helped me enter the convent. I don't want the priests affiliated with these sisters to suffer due to actions by the same sisters that they had no direct involvement with. I don't want the lay faithful they minister to suffer any ill consequences from heavy-handed bishops who want to purge their diocese of the whole thing. It's complicated.
#22
I left after a couple of years in religious life because I became sick and couldn't live the life at the convent anymore. It was really hard to leave, and I was very confused as to why God let this happen. I'm married now and have a child. Looking back, I think that the symptoms I had back then might have been the first signs of the cancer that got diagnosed years later...last year. But who knows, I'll never know. No, I didn't leave the church, why should I?
Huddo's sister 17 hours ago
I think that's one thing some people struggle to grasp, not everyone who leaves priesthood/ministry etc leaves the church. Some people just need a role in the church that fits them better. Sometimes they also need a church/denomination that fits them better as well.
#23
My friend left the convent because she was in her 20s and the other sisters were in their 50s and older. They weren’t interested in her or in forming community or relationships. She drove the older ones to doctors' appointments. So, she left.
#24
In short: Crippling loneliness and depression. Everything started to lose its meaning. The dynamics between sisters didn't seem worth putting up with in the end. I am very independent, so it was hard for me to give that up. I remember feeling so free the day I left because I didn't have to put my hair in a ponytail anymore.
#25
I went to seminary for a year and a half before being told to leave for various issues that boiled down to some communication/social struggles that were judged to be something best worked on elsewhere, and I haven’t returned since because I haven’t felt ready or called to. I have to say the experience of being told to leave was by far the most devastating and traumatizing thing in my life, and I’m told I handled it relatively well. Being rejected by someone you like is bad, but this (and I’ve confirmed it with others) feels like you failed at life as God wanted it, and I lost all will to care about my final exams going on then or really do anything for a while. I am told that many find their spiritual lives crater afterwards, and that was definitely true for me after the first month or so, but I am also told it can go much worse into a loss of faith for some. Because this was going on during COVID I had the exciting pleasure of lockdown and limited job opportunities (plus the whole gap in time since I finished my previous degree and cared at all about it) which combined to produce almost a year of nothing. This is one reason I recommend anyone going to seminary do so after having a degree, unless you like the idea of finishing your philosophy/theology degree from seminary or jumping into a whole new bunch of schooling you hadn’t previously looked forward to. That said, seminary was incredibly formative and challenged a lot of bad aspects of my thinking, especially about the clergy. I also made some great friends I can talk about the faith with. I learned more in that relatively brief time than many previous ones and the time since.
#26
I know of a former priest who was kind of a family friend. He left the priesthood because it became too emotionally draining when paired with some illnesses in his family. He’s still an incredibly active Catholic, though.
#27
My spiritual director thought it would be a good idea for me to leave and discern marriage - he said that he had the feeling I would become a priest because it was a good thing to do and not because I was called to be one and he was right, if I had have stayed I probably would have went all the way and likely enjoyed it, but here I am now 1 year married. Deo gratias!
#29
I wasn't a seminarian, and this is not what you're looking for probably, but I attended a seminary as a lay graduate student with the intention of entering for formation when I had reached the minimum number of years as a catholic required. I ended up discerning out because I got bad vibes from the novice master and vocations director for that religious order (i.e. they were both kind of aggressive and super specific about the personality profile of the guys they wanted), and was worried that I'd end up being kicked out or rejected because of my sexual orientation. I stayed catholic for about six more years after that.
What do you think ?
MissFortune 1 day ago (edited)
When I was in college there was a girl in my class who was in the process of becoming a nun( they used to wear specific type of attire and a cross). One of the girls asked her how she decided to become a nun. She told her the story. Her family was from a poor region in India and her family had only daughters until their brother was born. Once her brother got really sick and they asked for help from a local church. The church lent them some money and also held a special prayer for the kid. But in return they asked to give one of their children to the service of God. The kid got better and one of his sisters(my classmate) was sent to become a nun. I wonder whether she would have liked to be a nun on her own or was it acceptance of something that was already decided for her.
Ace 1 day ago
Possibly just a better life than she might have otherwise had. For certain definitions of "better", of course.
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WindySwede 1 day ago
If they read the bible and realises slavery is totally fine, you can k**l a person if they work on the restday, or if they wear clothes with mixed fabrics, or that women are owned by either the husband or the father, and if wrongdoings are made towards the women compensation should be payed to the father or the husband. Et al. 😬🙀
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MissFortune 1 day ago (edited)
When I was in college there was a girl in my class who was in the process of becoming a nun( they used to wear specific type of attire and a cross). One of the girls asked her how she decided to become a nun. She told her the story. Her family was from a poor region in India and her family had only daughters until their brother was born. Once her brother got really sick and they asked for help from a local church. The church lent them some money and also held a special prayer for the kid. But in return they asked to give one of their children to the service of God. The kid got better and one of his sisters(my classmate) was sent to become a nun. I wonder whether she would have liked to be a nun on her own or was it acceptance of something that was already decided for her.
Ace 1 day ago
Possibly just a better life than she might have otherwise had. For certain definitions of "better", of course.
Load More Replies... WindySwede 1 day ago
If they read the bible and realises slavery is totally fine, you can k**l a person if they work on the restday, or if they wear clothes with mixed fabrics, or that women are owned by either the husband or the father, and if wrongdoings are made towards the women compensation should be payed to the father or the husband. Et al. 😬🙀
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