Even On Christmas It Doesn’t Leave You Alone.
I’m sitting here on Christmas Day contemplating my life. No matter what I do I am trapped. The despair I feel is not just a dream. All the presents bring me, is a temporary happiness. Yes, I like them. Yes, I will enjoy the candy. But… It’s not true happiness. Thus, I’m still sad. Still hurting, still me. I found a few days ago, that I am never truly free. Never completely ‘sober’. And that’s fine. I’d rather be ‘drunk’ on anti-depressants, than be ‘sober’ for three minutes before I kill myself. Because I’m scared of, me. I don’t want to be free. I came to this conclusion one day after work. And I wrote a poem to go with it.
————-
I am bound by chains to the Earth.
Several locks adorn them.
The keys are in reach, they’ve always been in reach.
And I’ve held them a few times.
Even stuck the key in the lock.
But I’ve never fully unlocked them.
The chains that bind me and tie me to the ground, keep me grounded.
Keep me sane.
Each lock is something that holds back a piece of me.
A part of me that holds great pain.
I do not wish to be free.
I do not wish to hold me in my entirety.
I do not wish to be unbound.
That’s why these keys lay unused in front of me.
I do not wish to be free.
———-
That’s all I feel like sharing today. So, Merry Christmas. Have a good day/night everyone!
Bath Buddies!!!
I’m sitting here on Christmas Day contemplating my life. No matter what I do I am trapped. The despair I feel is not just a dream. All the presents bring me, is a temporary happiness. Yes, I like them. Yes, I will enjoy the candy. But… It’s not true happiness. Thus, I’m still sad. Still hurting, still me. I found a few days ago, that I am never truly free. Never completely ‘sober’. And that’s fine. I’d rather be ‘drunk’ on anti-depressants, than be ‘sober’ for three minutes before I kill myself. Because I’m scared of, me. I don’t want to be free. I came to this conclusion one day after work. And I wrote a poem to go with it.
————-
I am bound by chains to the Earth.
Several locks adorn them.
The keys are in reach, they’ve always been in reach.
And I’ve held them a few times.
Even stuck the key in the lock.
But I’ve never fully unlocked them.
The chains that bind me and tie me to the ground, keep me grounded.
Keep me sane.
Each lock is something that holds back a piece of me.
A part of me that holds great pain.
I do not wish to be free.
I do not wish to hold me in my entirety.
I do not wish to be unbound.
That’s why these keys lay unused in front of me.
I do not wish to be free.
———-
That’s all I feel like sharing today. So, Merry Christmas. Have a good day/night everyone!
Bath Buddies!!!
Please, please , start accepting that life holds many disappointments, but, also, many joys. You depression is the result of a chemical imbalance I your brain , & as hopeless as you now feel, it doesn't have to be permanent. Antidepressants are numerous & work in different ways . You might not have found one that meshes well with you yet, plus, Big Pharma , will continue to put out new ones. You must fight for your health, for, you have value . Find one thing a day you feel thankful for , &, write each one down. Call a friend ,or, make one . Get a pet. Get more help!
Please read what Nancy E replied again. Because as it is very sound advice, it is worth taking into account. If you are already on antidepressants and you find they are not working very well, go to your doctor and try another one. There are a lot of serious illnesses caused by chemical imbalances in the body. Diabetes is one of them. Yet you would NEVER hear anyone tell a diabetic to stop taking their medicine. You would also never hear anyone tell someone who has been hit by a bus to simply get up on their broken legs "you can do it if you just want to". Depression is not a personality trait. Go seek out medical help, see a psychiatrist. There will soon be more sunshine, it helps too.
I've battled depression for 40 years, and added PTSD to the list about 25 years ago. I've taken meds every day of my life for 31years. The meds balance my chemistry so I have a chance at thinking clearly. I've also been in therapy for over 30 years. Finally, at age 50, I no longer face the gaping black pits that used to devour my life. I am content, peaceful, and HAPPY most days. Every single day is an opportunity to strive to do better, be better, and feel appreciation for the good side of life. Never give up, put one foot in front of the other, and it WILL get better.
Please, please , start accepting that life holds many disappointments, but, also, many joys. You depression is the result of a chemical imbalance I your brain , & as hopeless as you now feel, it doesn't have to be permanent. Antidepressants are numerous & work in different ways . You might not have found one that meshes well with you yet, plus, Big Pharma , will continue to put out new ones. You must fight for your health, for, you have value . Find one thing a day you feel thankful for , &, write each one down. Call a friend ,or, make one . Get a pet. Get more help!
Please read what Nancy E replied again. Because as it is very sound advice, it is worth taking into account. If you are already on antidepressants and you find they are not working very well, go to your doctor and try another one. There are a lot of serious illnesses caused by chemical imbalances in the body. Diabetes is one of them. Yet you would NEVER hear anyone tell a diabetic to stop taking their medicine. You would also never hear anyone tell someone who has been hit by a bus to simply get up on their broken legs "you can do it if you just want to". Depression is not a personality trait. Go seek out medical help, see a psychiatrist. There will soon be more sunshine, it helps too.
I've battled depression for 40 years, and added PTSD to the list about 25 years ago. I've taken meds every day of my life for 31years. The meds balance my chemistry so I have a chance at thinking clearly. I've also been in therapy for over 30 years. Finally, at age 50, I no longer face the gaping black pits that used to devour my life. I am content, peaceful, and HAPPY most days. Every single day is an opportunity to strive to do better, be better, and feel appreciation for the good side of life. Never give up, put one foot in front of the other, and it WILL get better.
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