Daughter “Falls In Love” With A Guy She Never Met And Gets Pregnant, Expects The Dad To Take Her In, But He’s Not Having It
Parents’ love for their children is usually unconditional and they would do anything to see their children happy, but sometimes they have to think of themselves as well and set up boundaries when they see their child getting out of hand.
A dad warned his adult daughter that she must be careful if she doesn’t want to get pregnant and talked with her about what responsibilities a child puts on one’s shoulders. When he found out she still got pregnant and was looking for a place to stay, he refused to take her in because he was done raising babies.
More info: Reddit
A dad wants to help his daughter, but doesn’t think he should allow her to move in despite her being pregnant
Image credits: Andre Piacquadio (not the actual image)
The Original Poster (OP) has a 23-year-old daughter from his first marriage and two kids aged 8 and 10 from his current marriage. His oldest daughter has been talking to a guy online and thinks she’s fallen in love.
It seems the feeling was so strong that she was already fantasizing about them getting married and having kids. But first they had to meet, so the woman planned a visit, but the concerning part for the dad was that she decided to take out her birth control implant and take the pill instead.
A few years ago, the man’s daughter, who is now 23 years old, got a birth control implant and was very happy with it
Image credits: u/funzies86
The dad found it weird because the implant never caused problems for his daughter and she actually liked it because it stopped her period. So he talked with her about how important it is to take birth control pills regularly and suggested other alternatives.
The sudden change was suspicious because the OP’s former wife had told their daughter that she stopped taking her pills to make him marry her. Needless to say, the marriage wasn’t successful.
The dad felt he needed to stress how expensive having a child is, not to mention all the other responsibilities. And he was not willing to take those responsibilities, because although he loves his younger children, he won’t be raising someone else’s.
Recently she changed her mind about it and started taking birth control pills, which the dad found weird
Image credits: u/funzies86
All of these warnings meant nothing to the daughter, who came back from her trip pregnant and wanting the child. The problem is that she has been missing a lot of work because of how awfully her body reacted to the pregnancy and her boyfriend doesn’t have a job.
The daughter’s solution was to ask for help from her dad. Her plan was to live at OP’s home for a while with her boyfriend, who would get a job, save up a bit of money and move out before the baby is born. The woman couldn’t ask her mom for help as she was already living with her own parents, but the dad didn’t open his home’s door for his daughter.
He was concerned because his previous wife stopped taking the pill to become pregnant and force him to marry her
Image credits: u/funzies86
Image credits: Ernesto Andrade (not the actual image)
There were a few reasons why he said no. First of all, he didn’t trust his daughter. He knew she could be irresponsible and didn’t believe she would move out before giving birth. He didn’t want to become a free babysitter, especially because his wife is a stay-at-home-mom who wouldn’t resist stepping in.
Second of all, the OP didn’t know the guy his daughter was dating, so he didn’t find the idea of a stranger living with him and his own small children appealing.
Despite not wanting to welcome his daughter and her boyfriend to his home, the OP was open to help her to start her new life. The dad offered to pay a deposit and a few months of rent, which should give the couple time to settle in.
Coincidentally, the man’s daughter met a man online that she saw a future with and was planning on meeting him in real life
Image credits: u/funzies86
That wasn’t acceptable to his daughter and she was upset he wouldn’t just allow them to move in. Her mom was of the same opinion, but people in the comments were completely on the dad’s side because they also suspected that if he let her into his house, she wouldn’t leave and would treat her dad and stepmom as free babysitters.
Readers didn’t agree with the 23-year-old’s mom who blamed the dad for not supporting his daughter. In their opinion, he was just not enabling her by giving in, and he did offer to pay for rent, so that counts as support.
Not very surprisingly, the daughter got pregnant, but her financial situation was not stable, so she asked her dad to let her stay with him for a while
Image credits: u/funzies86
There is a difference between enabling someone and actually helping them. Comprehensive Wellness Centers explains it very simply: “Helping can be defined as doing something for another in situations where they truly can’t help themselves. On the other hand, enabling is doing something for a person who is totally capable of doing things for themselves.”
Psych Central makes the same distinction but also adds that enabling behaviors “keep someone from dealing with the negative consequences of their actions. Not dealing with these consequences gives the impression that their behavior is somehow acceptable.” Which is why they will keep doing what they do and it will be more and more difficult to explain why their behavior is problematic.
She wanted to move in with her boyfriend who didn’t have a job and was officially disabled for being overweight
Image credits: u/funzies86
Enabling someone’s behavior is as bad as trying to take advantage of someone when you are perfectly capable of doing something by yourself. Healthline stresses that even though the term “enabler” has a negative connotation, people usually think that they are genuinely helping.
Unfortunately, their “help” has an opposite effect. The person will continue their annoying or even dangerous behavior, they will learn to manipulate others to allow them to continue and they won’t learn to deal with consequences because the enabler will take that responsibility.
What will actually help them is to teach them to help themselves. Happier Human reminds us of what the Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, which is “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” It could be used as a metaphor for what it means to enable and empower your loved one.
The dad refused to take the two of them in because he didn’t trust her to move out and he didn’t want a stranger in his home where he lives with his small children
Image credits: u/funzies86
What the dad could offer was to pay for a deposit and a few months of rent so the couple could get on their feet, but that didn’t satisfy the daughter
Image credits: Camylla Battani (not the actual image)
Do you think the dad was right to refuse to take his pregnant daughter and a stranger into his home? Do you feel that the daughter might resent her dad or do you believe she will learn responsibility? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Both the daughter and her biological mom were angry with the man, but readers believed the daughter had to deal with the consequences of her own actions
I absolutely agree with you. The baby is a completely innocent party to this shît show that's about to happen. I hope they pull it together but the cards are stacked against them. OP's daughter has shown some very immature irresponsible behavior and the father to be doesn't sound to be in much shape physically to be very productive towards several areas of the relationship. The young adults in this story appear to have made some very poor choices. I hope that mom to be has an awakening and gets herself together.
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I love how the ex-wife is ripping him up one side and down the other for not supporting his daughter (obviously not true) and then it comes out in one of the OP's responses that the ex-wife lives at home with her parents. Like mother, like daughter???? Kudos to the OP for being willing to help his daughter while also setting boundaries. I hope he holds to them.
Maybe the mother is with her parents because she is caring for them? This is not clear in the BP story.
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I hope this is fake. I can't possibly understand why a mentally healthy woman would choose to become pregnant by a stranger, an unemployed stranger that supposedly does not take responsibility for anything ever. Sounds like the dude is blaming everyone and their grandma for his failures and nothing ever could possibly be his own mistake. Best of luck to all involved parties.
It sounds like the daughter is foisting her own responsibilities onto anyone and their grandma, so they are well suited - until a baby (or even a pet) has to suffer as a result.
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What exactly does he have to offer? He’s too fat to do anything, too lazy to work, and doesn’t have anything to offer as far as a job, car, or his own place. He doesn’t even offer the bare minimum as far as a partner is concerned. What the heck was she thinking? I hope that she wises up and gives the baby up for adoption. That honestly would be for the best sad to say.
I know the daughter's dad wouldn't want to raise it but honestly it might be a good route to see what his options are regarding in him getting rights.
Load More Replies... CPS should be informed if she's going through with the pregnany. I know a case which is exactly like this, only she dumped a dog, than a child and decided after some years that handling 2 children would probably be easier than just one. So her parents are now stuck with a dog, a five-year old and a baby. While she is occasionally enrolled in university and is still on and off with the babydaddy 🤦♀️
NTA. He (1) warned her about the difficulty of raising children (2) encouraged birth control (3) told her he doesn't want to raise others' children and (4) offered to pay her first month's rent & security deposit. He should rescind that last offer if she isn't grateful for his help! He has a wife & children he needs to protect.
Poor kid. I hope that if the baby ends up being neglected (seems like a very real risk) OP will step in and either take custody, or push for them to be adopted. I totally get not wanting to raise your grandkids, but leaving them with an irresponsible and neglectful parent, or letting them go into the overburdened and frequently unsafe fostercare system aren't good options either.
I made some very poor decisions and very rash decisions when I was around 20, so I can feel for the daughter a bit. I jumped into a relationship with a guy I barely knew and got pregnant. My family let me struggle a bit and that's how I became a strong woman and a good mother, now happily with the right man and a mother of three awesome kids. I hope falling on her a*s a little will toughen her up too and teach her important lessons. Sometimes that's what it takes. Naivete doesn't make you a lost cause.
This is so heartbraking for the child that isn't even born yet. I can only imagine what life it will have. I really hope she chooses professional support or adoption for the sake of the child. But I must say NTA for you. As a parent you did everything you could. She is a grown-up and responsible for her actions.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I'm going to speculate and say the daughter met her man on some mmorpg game and spent hours on discord. So he might not be a stranger in a traditional sense as they could have spent hours knowing each other online, but the irl person is always the model you go with, not the elven warrior lvl 76 mod. Some relationships start this way, but not the get knocked up on purpose bc it's romantic way. And if she thinks getting pregnant is the way to keep a man, she's in for a whole world of hurt.
I'd probably be willing to give the baby a home to save it from a life of misery, but definitely not the boyfriend. Daughter is old enough to learn that actions have consequences. Honestly, what was she thinking?
My mom had a similar plan (get pregnant, get married, divorce, then ride the child support and alimony checks) and she taught my sister the plan. I literally informed every dude my sister started dating and it pretty much ended after 12 hrs after that warning. Daughter literally set this dude up and is literally scrambling for plan b because there's no money from him. However, if daughter can't figure out how to responsibly take care of baby. IF it's in the US, dad can get rights to the child and baby will safe, happy, and healthy.
Sometimes the people who are most intent on having children are the least deserving to have them. I feel sorry for that baby. Most likely she will think of the baby like it's a toy, and then when reality hits dump the kid on her parents. Just like with the cat.
First off, NTA. I wonder though how much the parents are involved in this womans daily life? Like birth control deep? She clearly has problems controlling her own life, and really hasn’t ”cut the cord” and become independent. This is only my opinion, but she should’ve understood her responsibilities in her life and her parents should have made them clear early on, like when she graduated high school at latest. One of these didn’t happen, no way to know which eithout more info. My brother was a little like this when my mom was still making his dentist appointments when he was 25. Either this or she has an undiagnosed something.
NTA! your daughter chose to be an idiot....let her face the consequences of being an idiot. Stand your ground and don't budge
Oh, this must be so difficult! But please don't feel responsible for all the bad decisions unreasonable expectations. Take care of your current response ability with your current family and let the rest of them deal with their own bad decisions. Consider adopting the baby if that is an option.
The father has 2 small children already. They come first.
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Someone I know and his wife did this on purpose as well. They have taken over the parents' house, pay nothing for rent, do almost no work, and eat for free. Despite 'saving up for a house,' they have new clothes with tags on and nothing in savings nine years in, yet they accept only the best. Their child is on the spectrum and the parents take care a lot and are paying for special education. I think they're planning on staying until they can 'inherit' the house. RUN AWAY.
If daughter was already living with Dad then baby should be welcomed. If she is intent trying to have new family with baby daddy she should move in with him and his grandma. I think op shouldn't have wasted his $ on a rental deposit. Doubt she is going to be able to make rent and is going to get kicked out anyway.
The ex-wife did the same thing by getting pregnant so the OP would marry her. It sounds like the mother gave her daughter bad advice. She’s more involved with this big mess than the OP realizes. She should let her daughter and her boyfriend stay with her and her parents.
Why don't they just live at his grandma's since she went there to visit him anyway.
"why won't you support the daughter I forced on you!? I don't have the ability to take care of the daughter I made you have through secretly going off birth controooool!" Ex wife seems lovely, I wonder why it didn't work.
Oh boy, what a pickle. It hurts me when people glamorize having a baby (they like the idea of it before and during pregnancy, but afterward, they see what parenthood really means). It's not fair to the baby. Also, it's never a good plan to just jump into a relationship and get pregnant immediately....I know it happens, and sometimes it works out great, but with the daughter's track record of "losing interest in things" I doubt this is gonna work out well. It's not the dad's job to take on extra responsibility, and I say if her mother wants to complain, she either needs to put up or shut up at this point. I feel horrible for the poor baby, because they didn't ask for any of this.
NTA!!! You spoke with her about birth control & probably made it clear she was "on her own" if she got pregnant!! Do not let them in your home!! You got young children there & you DO NOT KNOW "her boyfriend". Offering them rent on an apartment til they get on their feet is MORE THAN GENEROUS!! She is not a child any longer & you have your own youngsters in the home. The baby daddy sounds like a looser/deadbeat in the making!! Lord help this poor innocent baby!! Being born to 2 brain dead individuals. I bet if they stay together, she'll probably suffer with "chronic pregnancies". UGH!!!!
As dad said, old enough to play house, old enough to pay for it your own dang self
NTA. You have been MORE than generous by offering to pay months of rent which you're not at all obligated to do. If your daughter can't appreciate it, that's her problem. You're doing right by not being an enabler. Her mom should step up and do what she's demanding of you. Their entitled attitude is wrong.
(Long face palm...) Is it me? Since when does a 23yr old sexually active woman need Dad to "go over" how she takes her bc pills? Codependent much OP? When his daughter's problems become HER problems & HER'S alone, she'll grow up. This is a reluctant NTA- I wouldn't want a stranger moving into my home either, but for F's sake, this is an absolute codependent sh*t show OP is partially responsible for.
I don’t blame him at all. That’s a problem that’s not of his own making and he wants no part of it. None of us would. But that’s easy to say when its not your child. His daughter, however, has got some serious problems. She clearly needy and desperate for anything resembling love - imagine getting pregnant to a guy you just met who’s unemployed, morbidly obese and lives in a different state. She also lacks critical reasoning skills. This is a shitshow.
I was 100% leaning towards dad is the AH, but after reading the full story, not at all! I completely agree with him. Also wanted to add sounds like they have a close relationship as they talked about periods, birth control, etc. Nothing my mother ever even talked with me about. He's willing to help, but setting some boundaries. Good job dad!
This is not a good situation for anyone. Daughter will struggle to get her feet on the floor and manage a baby and bf who I very much doubt will pull himself together (sounds like his issues are everyone else's problems) . Dad is right, don't let them move in. I'm concerned about the baby but with luck his daughter will sort herself out and be a goid parent. I suggest dad gives his daughter contact details for support groups etc to help learn how to be a good parent , then step back and become an awesome granddad
Cleaning cooking and emotional support. Trying to guide them to get back being an unity and helping my daughter see signs when it's kicking in bad. I went through it with my son. It takes sometime but eventually it gets easier. I barely haves my granddaughter and I love that. I get her when I want to but they does team work. While he's working we are focus on baby and house chores. When he comes home he loves cooking for my daughter and spending time with their daughter. My daughter is 20 her fiance is 22.
My daughter ended up having to stay at her boyfriends apartment during her winter break since my son age 1 at the time had covid. She goes to college in a different state. But the same state of her boyfriend. My family use to abuse my daughter when I was in the hospital having surgeries are traveling with my church to do spiritual guidance. Plus she was raped by a family member. She is on the deans list as well. In that time she was his place she got pregnant. I was upset because she knew better and watched me struggle with her. I raised so many of my family members kids that I am over it. Plus my now 2 year old son still nurse and barely let's me to myself. I like my daughter's boyfriend now fiance. He's Chinese we are black Hispanic and Delaware Indian. His parents hates my daughter cause she's black. But he stands up to them about her. She helped him get his grades up. They try to tell him she's going to make him fail. They didn't want him to work but thought $100 would be enough
My daughter worked extra hours to helped him out with food. So where is she hurting him at. They got a big attitude when he told them that. Anyways my daughter turned 20 that May and had her baby this past October a couple days before my birthday. He was in his senior year for Mechanical engineering he was job hunting before he graduated and negotiating pay. He made sure they had their own before bay came. When they first moved into their apartment he haven't started working. I helped out as much as possible. They are very supportive to one another. When the baby was born I made sure only they had the baby so she didn't get use to being without her parents. She will go to some people but only for about 20-30 mins. Me and my 2 year old son came to their home to helped out. My daughter deals with severe post parteum depression. So until it gets under control we will be helping out. She goes back to school in August for Law. Even though I am here I am literally only helping out with
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I know people like this daughter and bf. Though in their case, they were far younger. Parents let their kids make their own choices at 13 and 14 and ended up raising their own grandkids while their own kids weren't even close to graduating. In the OP's case, at least his daughter is grown up. She needs to learn how to accept responsibility for her actions.
Nope NTA at ALL!!! She actively chose to be a baby mama so let her learn what single motherhood is. She chose to get pregnant by a man who she met online who has no job, so again, she made the choice to be a baby mama. Be there only if absolutely necessary, bc if not, your grand kid will suffer.
put the cat up for adoption along with the baby, bc apparently the daughter is irresponsible
OP is leaving out some important information -who has an attraction to an unemployed obese man but someone who has some serious issues themselves. I wouldn't have beat around the bush with her, and let her know that having a baby with someone doesn't make them love you or the baby, and I wouldn't be financing any of it. I wouldn't even agree to pay the initial rent because if they don't have the money to pay for it now, when will they be able? Nah, sounds like some BS to me.
What you need to tell your x-wife that she can get a big enough apartment and have them move with her. Tell her, you would give the deposit and the first month rent.
How about she move in with the boyfriend at his grandma's house? He's already living there; what's two more? Maybe Grandma might enjoy a baby in the house, but by no means is this writer responsible for his adult daughter. Sure sounds like she got pregnant deliberately. She needs to take responsibility and grow up. I agree with others - she would never leave.
Man, OP is extremely wise & hit the nail right on the head with this one! You can tell he's an avid father (I gathered that just from the uncomfy chats his daughter is able to have with him pertaining to girl issues and all of his advice/ knowledge, followed by inquiries about the visit to see this bum!) That said, it takes major guts to say "no", but he's just so spot on. Just all of the common sense that most people lack when it comes to their child. He's dissected and thought out every possible scenario, knowing exactly what WILL HAPPEN, all the way to it being inappropriate to have a strange man moving in on his young children. Kudos to this Dad and his very generous compromise to get them situated, but stand firm that he will not be a fall back plan!
Even before helping with deposit, and rent to get them started I think the father should insist on them taking a parenting class, as a couple, at least they could be sitting around doing something constructive while waiting on the baby. IJS! 🤷♀️
His daughter probably wanted a baby and found a father for her dream pregnancy. She has learned from her mother how to manipulate a man so she can not be trusted. She and her boyfriend are not the father's responsibility. He has his life with children and wife. He should not destroy his home that he worked for a manipulative irresponsible adult child. She made her bed let her sleep in it. My opinions.
Her dad and her mom are not responsible for her if she made the grown up decisions to get it on and make a baby. Her dad is being so generous by offering to help with rent. But I wouldn't let some stranger move in and be around kids...his grown daughter and her new family are moochers. If her own mother cares so much she can take them in or they can all get a place together. But boundaries would be soooo important and yeah her dad is definitely NTA. His daughter and the stranger are TAs. I feel bad for the baby the most. Hopefully her dad will at least make sure the newborn is safe and healthy.
Does any one else find it horrifying that this happens too often. I don't even know what to say. Op. I like the boundaries you've set. This is the mom to be's responsibility. Is she working? How ridiculous if she's not. She's got a baby to look after. The baby is HER responsibility.
I will admit this sounds a lot like what this girl I met online wants to do. We've yet to meet irl and she keeps saying she wants to get pregnant. We live across town from each other I'm 30yo and live with parents and I don't have a very reliable income. I scrap metal but have been doing good as of late. Idk if she just wants child support or what? I've always wanted a child and I feel like this might be my best chance of having one but I don't know if it would be best for the child
Sounds like you already know the answer, which is not to. You still have plenty chances (years) to have a child being male so don't worry that this is your best/last opportunity.
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How very sad for the baby to have such irresponsible and immature people as parents.
You need to protect your current wife and young children. It's clear you'll offer some help if she and the father of her child will just step up and act like adults. You should really feel guilt free about this situation, as should your current wife. She has enough to deal with and appears to be doing a great job.
Little bit of devils advocate, but I wonder if the boyfriend has fibromyalgia. It is extremely difficult to get a diagnosis because many doctors don't believe it is real.
True and it's hard to treat. It still doesn't sound like he's putting much effort in trying to improve his health. Saying this as someone who flirts with being 300lbs+ every now and then.
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I wouldn't even offer the deposit and first months rent unless she made a different choice. If that fetus were to be born, it WILL suffer or end up being raised by OP. That is a guarantee. Giving rent would be enabling that suffering. I have nothing against helping her out to learn to be an adult and help the couple learn if they are compatible with each other, but enabling this choice just to end up raising the kid, or the kid ends up raised by them/suffering, I would never do. The only way the OP can be also TA is if he is PL and forcing her to give birth.
OP IS TA for blaming his ex for deliberately getting pregnant by stopping her birth control! Why tf wasn't he using a condom if he didn't want kids?! Why is it ALWAYS the woman's responsibility to use birth control? A lot of women are TA when they pull c**p like that on purpose but men must also take responsibility for their own inaction ffs! As far as the daughter is concerned, she and bf should go live with bf's grandma since she was enabling her lazy grandson and that's where he knocked her up.
Exactly. Both men AND women are responsible so the man should wear a condom or get a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids. My boyfriend and I don't want kids sp I'm on birth control and he nearly always wears a condom. If there isn't one available he pulls out.
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Btw that type of birth control is NOT intended for years and years. Male docs have been rx it that way but it can have long term side effects. MAYBE thats why she switched. Again a male saying how a woman should use bc.
The daughter with BF and small kids in the home, no. The daughter alone, id say yes because she is fsmily and it is your gandchild.. you raised her , dont forget. You lose me at your allusion to her chosing adoption. Are you that unfeeling? It should concern you what happens to your grandchild and you should be helping out to keep the baby in the family. I get it, this daughter failed your expectations. But if you glory in succesful children you should accept her as the product of your parenting. Help her and the baby in some manner. The BF can fend for himself. I raised a sister's 4 kids who I had not seen in 20 years, along with my 2 daughters. 6 kids as a single mom. I am so glad I did, too.
For all we know the baby daddy could have diabetes or hyperthyroidism and obesity probably runs in his family or if he on meds it could be that or just not eating enough veggies or to much soda/sugar
Hypothyroidism. Hyper tends to make one underweight not over.
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If you suck raising kids, you get to raise your grandkids. Teach your kids important stuff. Ignore first world entitlement problems.
NTA! This is an old old old story... your big mistake was trying to reason with an unreasonable person, maybe from your own excessive sense of responsibility stemming from your own experience...my mother was one of those in her youth. These two generations, the millenials and Gen Z, are both extremely stubborn, selfish and ignorant and incapable of learning except from social media, especially from some old "fuddy-duddy dinosaur" like you. The teagedy is that the baby is real, a child that needs everything now. Hopefully eventually it will be fostered or adopted into a caring family.
Worst case scenario, allow only the daughter and can’t to move in until the baby is born. Require she get herself situated before baby comes so she’ll be able to move out upon birth. If she doesn’t abide by the rules, I’d file for custody of the baby so they’ll have a good loving home life with y’all. That eliminates the “obligation” to step in and take care of the baby. Draw up a legal contract to force her hand into taking care of herself and the unborn baby or y’all will assume legal custody of this baby.
How does filing for custody eliminate the obligation. Filing for custody would guarantee an obligation to care for it
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Although I do side with the dad, I find it weird that he wants her to get rid of the baby. He may not outright say it but he makes the comment multiple times that “she is intent in keeping the baby” which means that he probably asked her to get rid of it and she said no. I absolutely get that the girl is irresponsible, but who’s is to say that child won’t be loved? Again ultimately I see it the dads way but he is putting is own trauma and experience with his ex and morphing it and using that as an excuse to judge his daughter. He could tone down is ahole ness.
The dude had a responsibility to his wife and two young kids. His daughter is a damn adult. What is with people bringing up the generation issue? This has nothing to do with the article. In a situation like this, adoption is better for that baby than living with deadbeat parents. Besides, kids are expensive. OP had enough on his plate. And, not every parent wants to parent their own grandkid. My mother was adopted by her father's parents because to them, it was an obligation, not out of love. Also, what in the hell do you mean 'when they're youngest turns 18, they get to be fancy-free teens again'? That's complete bullsh*t. I'm the youngest in my family, 19, I had to become an adult at 12. Don't assume something that you clearly don't know/understand.
Load More Replies... I absolutely agree with you. The baby is a completely innocent party to this shît show that's about to happen. I hope they pull it together but the cards are stacked against them. OP's daughter has shown some very immature irresponsible behavior and the father to be doesn't sound to be in much shape physically to be very productive towards several areas of the relationship. The young adults in this story appear to have made some very poor choices. I hope that mom to be has an awakening and gets herself together.
Load More Replies... I love how the ex-wife is ripping him up one side and down the other for not supporting his daughter (obviously not true) and then it comes out in one of the OP's responses that the ex-wife lives at home with her parents. Like mother, like daughter???? Kudos to the OP for being willing to help his daughter while also setting boundaries. I hope he holds to them.
Maybe the mother is with her parents because she is caring for them? This is not clear in the BP story.
Load More Replies... I hope this is fake. I can't possibly understand why a mentally healthy woman would choose to become pregnant by a stranger, an unemployed stranger that supposedly does not take responsibility for anything ever. Sounds like the dude is blaming everyone and their grandma for his failures and nothing ever could possibly be his own mistake. Best of luck to all involved parties.
It sounds like the daughter is foisting her own responsibilities onto anyone and their grandma, so they are well suited - until a baby (or even a pet) has to suffer as a result.
Load More Replies... What exactly does he have to offer? He’s too fat to do anything, too lazy to work, and doesn’t have anything to offer as far as a job, car, or his own place. He doesn’t even offer the bare minimum as far as a partner is concerned. What the heck was she thinking? I hope that she wises up and gives the baby up for adoption. That honestly would be for the best sad to say.
I know the daughter's dad wouldn't want to raise it but honestly it might be a good route to see what his options are regarding in him getting rights.
Load More Replies... CPS should be informed if she's going through with the pregnany. I know a case which is exactly like this, only she dumped a dog, than a child and decided after some years that handling 2 children would probably be easier than just one. So her parents are now stuck with a dog, a five-year old and a baby. While she is occasionally enrolled in university and is still on and off with the babydaddy 🤦♀️
NTA. He (1) warned her about the difficulty of raising children (2) encouraged birth control (3) told her he doesn't want to raise others' children and (4) offered to pay her first month's rent & security deposit. He should rescind that last offer if she isn't grateful for his help! He has a wife & children he needs to protect.
Poor kid. I hope that if the baby ends up being neglected (seems like a very real risk) OP will step in and either take custody, or push for them to be adopted. I totally get not wanting to raise your grandkids, but leaving them with an irresponsible and neglectful parent, or letting them go into the overburdened and frequently unsafe fostercare system aren't good options either.
I made some very poor decisions and very rash decisions when I was around 20, so I can feel for the daughter a bit. I jumped into a relationship with a guy I barely knew and got pregnant. My family let me struggle a bit and that's how I became a strong woman and a good mother, now happily with the right man and a mother of three awesome kids. I hope falling on her a*s a little will toughen her up too and teach her important lessons. Sometimes that's what it takes. Naivete doesn't make you a lost cause.
This is so heartbraking for the child that isn't even born yet. I can only imagine what life it will have. I really hope she chooses professional support or adoption for the sake of the child. But I must say NTA for you. As a parent you did everything you could. She is a grown-up and responsible for her actions.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I'm going to speculate and say the daughter met her man on some mmorpg game and spent hours on discord. So he might not be a stranger in a traditional sense as they could have spent hours knowing each other online, but the irl person is always the model you go with, not the elven warrior lvl 76 mod. Some relationships start this way, but not the get knocked up on purpose bc it's romantic way. And if she thinks getting pregnant is the way to keep a man, she's in for a whole world of hurt.
I'd probably be willing to give the baby a home to save it from a life of misery, but definitely not the boyfriend. Daughter is old enough to learn that actions have consequences. Honestly, what was she thinking?
My mom had a similar plan (get pregnant, get married, divorce, then ride the child support and alimony checks) and she taught my sister the plan. I literally informed every dude my sister started dating and it pretty much ended after 12 hrs after that warning. Daughter literally set this dude up and is literally scrambling for plan b because there's no money from him. However, if daughter can't figure out how to responsibly take care of baby. IF it's in the US, dad can get rights to the child and baby will safe, happy, and healthy.
Sometimes the people who are most intent on having children are the least deserving to have them. I feel sorry for that baby. Most likely she will think of the baby like it's a toy, and then when reality hits dump the kid on her parents. Just like with the cat.
First off, NTA. I wonder though how much the parents are involved in this womans daily life? Like birth control deep? She clearly has problems controlling her own life, and really hasn’t ”cut the cord” and become independent. This is only my opinion, but she should’ve understood her responsibilities in her life and her parents should have made them clear early on, like when she graduated high school at latest. One of these didn’t happen, no way to know which eithout more info. My brother was a little like this when my mom was still making his dentist appointments when he was 25. Either this or she has an undiagnosed something.
NTA! your daughter chose to be an idiot....let her face the consequences of being an idiot. Stand your ground and don't budge
Oh, this must be so difficult! But please don't feel responsible for all the bad decisions unreasonable expectations. Take care of your current response ability with your current family and let the rest of them deal with their own bad decisions. Consider adopting the baby if that is an option.
The father has 2 small children already. They come first.
Load More Replies... Someone I know and his wife did this on purpose as well. They have taken over the parents' house, pay nothing for rent, do almost no work, and eat for free. Despite 'saving up for a house,' they have new clothes with tags on and nothing in savings nine years in, yet they accept only the best. Their child is on the spectrum and the parents take care a lot and are paying for special education. I think they're planning on staying until they can 'inherit' the house. RUN AWAY.
If daughter was already living with Dad then baby should be welcomed. If she is intent trying to have new family with baby daddy she should move in with him and his grandma. I think op shouldn't have wasted his $ on a rental deposit. Doubt she is going to be able to make rent and is going to get kicked out anyway.
The ex-wife did the same thing by getting pregnant so the OP would marry her. It sounds like the mother gave her daughter bad advice. She’s more involved with this big mess than the OP realizes. She should let her daughter and her boyfriend stay with her and her parents.
Why don't they just live at his grandma's since she went there to visit him anyway.
"why won't you support the daughter I forced on you!? I don't have the ability to take care of the daughter I made you have through secretly going off birth controooool!" Ex wife seems lovely, I wonder why it didn't work.
Oh boy, what a pickle. It hurts me when people glamorize having a baby (they like the idea of it before and during pregnancy, but afterward, they see what parenthood really means). It's not fair to the baby. Also, it's never a good plan to just jump into a relationship and get pregnant immediately....I know it happens, and sometimes it works out great, but with the daughter's track record of "losing interest in things" I doubt this is gonna work out well. It's not the dad's job to take on extra responsibility, and I say if her mother wants to complain, she either needs to put up or shut up at this point. I feel horrible for the poor baby, because they didn't ask for any of this.
NTA!!! You spoke with her about birth control & probably made it clear she was "on her own" if she got pregnant!! Do not let them in your home!! You got young children there & you DO NOT KNOW "her boyfriend". Offering them rent on an apartment til they get on their feet is MORE THAN GENEROUS!! She is not a child any longer & you have your own youngsters in the home. The baby daddy sounds like a looser/deadbeat in the making!! Lord help this poor innocent baby!! Being born to 2 brain dead individuals. I bet if they stay together, she'll probably suffer with "chronic pregnancies". UGH!!!!
As dad said, old enough to play house, old enough to pay for it your own dang self
NTA. You have been MORE than generous by offering to pay months of rent which you're not at all obligated to do. If your daughter can't appreciate it, that's her problem. You're doing right by not being an enabler. Her mom should step up and do what she's demanding of you. Their entitled attitude is wrong.
(Long face palm...) Is it me? Since when does a 23yr old sexually active woman need Dad to "go over" how she takes her bc pills? Codependent much OP? When his daughter's problems become HER problems & HER'S alone, she'll grow up. This is a reluctant NTA- I wouldn't want a stranger moving into my home either, but for F's sake, this is an absolute codependent sh*t show OP is partially responsible for.
I don’t blame him at all. That’s a problem that’s not of his own making and he wants no part of it. None of us would. But that’s easy to say when its not your child. His daughter, however, has got some serious problems. She clearly needy and desperate for anything resembling love - imagine getting pregnant to a guy you just met who’s unemployed, morbidly obese and lives in a different state. She also lacks critical reasoning skills. This is a shitshow.
I was 100% leaning towards dad is the AH, but after reading the full story, not at all! I completely agree with him. Also wanted to add sounds like they have a close relationship as they talked about periods, birth control, etc. Nothing my mother ever even talked with me about. He's willing to help, but setting some boundaries. Good job dad!
This is not a good situation for anyone. Daughter will struggle to get her feet on the floor and manage a baby and bf who I very much doubt will pull himself together (sounds like his issues are everyone else's problems) . Dad is right, don't let them move in. I'm concerned about the baby but with luck his daughter will sort herself out and be a goid parent. I suggest dad gives his daughter contact details for support groups etc to help learn how to be a good parent , then step back and become an awesome granddad
Cleaning cooking and emotional support. Trying to guide them to get back being an unity and helping my daughter see signs when it's kicking in bad. I went through it with my son. It takes sometime but eventually it gets easier. I barely haves my granddaughter and I love that. I get her when I want to but they does team work. While he's working we are focus on baby and house chores. When he comes home he loves cooking for my daughter and spending time with their daughter. My daughter is 20 her fiance is 22.
My daughter ended up having to stay at her boyfriends apartment during her winter break since my son age 1 at the time had covid. She goes to college in a different state. But the same state of her boyfriend. My family use to abuse my daughter when I was in the hospital having surgeries are traveling with my church to do spiritual guidance. Plus she was raped by a family member. She is on the deans list as well. In that time she was his place she got pregnant. I was upset because she knew better and watched me struggle with her. I raised so many of my family members kids that I am over it. Plus my now 2 year old son still nurse and barely let's me to myself. I like my daughter's boyfriend now fiance. He's Chinese we are black Hispanic and Delaware Indian. His parents hates my daughter cause she's black. But he stands up to them about her. She helped him get his grades up. They try to tell him she's going to make him fail. They didn't want him to work but thought $100 would be enough
My daughter worked extra hours to helped him out with food. So where is she hurting him at. They got a big attitude when he told them that. Anyways my daughter turned 20 that May and had her baby this past October a couple days before my birthday. He was in his senior year for Mechanical engineering he was job hunting before he graduated and negotiating pay. He made sure they had their own before bay came. When they first moved into their apartment he haven't started working. I helped out as much as possible. They are very supportive to one another. When the baby was born I made sure only they had the baby so she didn't get use to being without her parents. She will go to some people but only for about 20-30 mins. Me and my 2 year old son came to their home to helped out. My daughter deals with severe post parteum depression. So until it gets under control we will be helping out. She goes back to school in August for Law. Even though I am here I am literally only helping out with
Load More Replies... I know people like this daughter and bf. Though in their case, they were far younger. Parents let their kids make their own choices at 13 and 14 and ended up raising their own grandkids while their own kids weren't even close to graduating. In the OP's case, at least his daughter is grown up. She needs to learn how to accept responsibility for her actions.
Nope NTA at ALL!!! She actively chose to be a baby mama so let her learn what single motherhood is. She chose to get pregnant by a man who she met online who has no job, so again, she made the choice to be a baby mama. Be there only if absolutely necessary, bc if not, your grand kid will suffer.
put the cat up for adoption along with the baby, bc apparently the daughter is irresponsible
OP is leaving out some important information -who has an attraction to an unemployed obese man but someone who has some serious issues themselves. I wouldn't have beat around the bush with her, and let her know that having a baby with someone doesn't make them love you or the baby, and I wouldn't be financing any of it. I wouldn't even agree to pay the initial rent because if they don't have the money to pay for it now, when will they be able? Nah, sounds like some BS to me.
What you need to tell your x-wife that she can get a big enough apartment and have them move with her. Tell her, you would give the deposit and the first month rent.
How about she move in with the boyfriend at his grandma's house? He's already living there; what's two more? Maybe Grandma might enjoy a baby in the house, but by no means is this writer responsible for his adult daughter. Sure sounds like she got pregnant deliberately. She needs to take responsibility and grow up. I agree with others - she would never leave.
Man, OP is extremely wise & hit the nail right on the head with this one! You can tell he's an avid father (I gathered that just from the uncomfy chats his daughter is able to have with him pertaining to girl issues and all of his advice/ knowledge, followed by inquiries about the visit to see this bum!) That said, it takes major guts to say "no", but he's just so spot on. Just all of the common sense that most people lack when it comes to their child. He's dissected and thought out every possible scenario, knowing exactly what WILL HAPPEN, all the way to it being inappropriate to have a strange man moving in on his young children. Kudos to this Dad and his very generous compromise to get them situated, but stand firm that he will not be a fall back plan!
Even before helping with deposit, and rent to get them started I think the father should insist on them taking a parenting class, as a couple, at least they could be sitting around doing something constructive while waiting on the baby. IJS! 🤷♀️
His daughter probably wanted a baby and found a father for her dream pregnancy. She has learned from her mother how to manipulate a man so she can not be trusted. She and her boyfriend are not the father's responsibility. He has his life with children and wife. He should not destroy his home that he worked for a manipulative irresponsible adult child. She made her bed let her sleep in it. My opinions.
Her dad and her mom are not responsible for her if she made the grown up decisions to get it on and make a baby. Her dad is being so generous by offering to help with rent. But I wouldn't let some stranger move in and be around kids...his grown daughter and her new family are moochers. If her own mother cares so much she can take them in or they can all get a place together. But boundaries would be soooo important and yeah her dad is definitely NTA. His daughter and the stranger are TAs. I feel bad for the baby the most. Hopefully her dad will at least make sure the newborn is safe and healthy.
Does any one else find it horrifying that this happens too often. I don't even know what to say. Op. I like the boundaries you've set. This is the mom to be's responsibility. Is she working? How ridiculous if she's not. She's got a baby to look after. The baby is HER responsibility.
I will admit this sounds a lot like what this girl I met online wants to do. We've yet to meet irl and she keeps saying she wants to get pregnant. We live across town from each other I'm 30yo and live with parents and I don't have a very reliable income. I scrap metal but have been doing good as of late. Idk if she just wants child support or what? I've always wanted a child and I feel like this might be my best chance of having one but I don't know if it would be best for the child
Sounds like you already know the answer, which is not to. You still have plenty chances (years) to have a child being male so don't worry that this is your best/last opportunity.
Load More Replies... How very sad for the baby to have such irresponsible and immature people as parents.
You need to protect your current wife and young children. It's clear you'll offer some help if she and the father of her child will just step up and act like adults. You should really feel guilt free about this situation, as should your current wife. She has enough to deal with and appears to be doing a great job.
Little bit of devils advocate, but I wonder if the boyfriend has fibromyalgia. It is extremely difficult to get a diagnosis because many doctors don't believe it is real.
True and it's hard to treat. It still doesn't sound like he's putting much effort in trying to improve his health. Saying this as someone who flirts with being 300lbs+ every now and then.
Load More Replies... I wouldn't even offer the deposit and first months rent unless she made a different choice. If that fetus were to be born, it WILL suffer or end up being raised by OP. That is a guarantee. Giving rent would be enabling that suffering. I have nothing against helping her out to learn to be an adult and help the couple learn if they are compatible with each other, but enabling this choice just to end up raising the kid, or the kid ends up raised by them/suffering, I would never do. The only way the OP can be also TA is if he is PL and forcing her to give birth.
OP IS TA for blaming his ex for deliberately getting pregnant by stopping her birth control! Why tf wasn't he using a condom if he didn't want kids?! Why is it ALWAYS the woman's responsibility to use birth control? A lot of women are TA when they pull c**p like that on purpose but men must also take responsibility for their own inaction ffs! As far as the daughter is concerned, she and bf should go live with bf's grandma since she was enabling her lazy grandson and that's where he knocked her up.
Exactly. Both men AND women are responsible so the man should wear a condom or get a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids. My boyfriend and I don't want kids sp I'm on birth control and he nearly always wears a condom. If there isn't one available he pulls out.
Load More Replies... Btw that type of birth control is NOT intended for years and years. Male docs have been rx it that way but it can have long term side effects. MAYBE thats why she switched. Again a male saying how a woman should use bc.
The daughter with BF and small kids in the home, no. The daughter alone, id say yes because she is fsmily and it is your gandchild.. you raised her , dont forget. You lose me at your allusion to her chosing adoption. Are you that unfeeling? It should concern you what happens to your grandchild and you should be helping out to keep the baby in the family. I get it, this daughter failed your expectations. But if you glory in succesful children you should accept her as the product of your parenting. Help her and the baby in some manner. The BF can fend for himself. I raised a sister's 4 kids who I had not seen in 20 years, along with my 2 daughters. 6 kids as a single mom. I am so glad I did, too.
For all we know the baby daddy could have diabetes or hyperthyroidism and obesity probably runs in his family or if he on meds it could be that or just not eating enough veggies or to much soda/sugar
Hypothyroidism. Hyper tends to make one underweight not over.
Load More Replies... If you suck raising kids, you get to raise your grandkids. Teach your kids important stuff. Ignore first world entitlement problems.
NTA! This is an old old old story... your big mistake was trying to reason with an unreasonable person, maybe from your own excessive sense of responsibility stemming from your own experience...my mother was one of those in her youth. These two generations, the millenials and Gen Z, are both extremely stubborn, selfish and ignorant and incapable of learning except from social media, especially from some old "fuddy-duddy dinosaur" like you. The teagedy is that the baby is real, a child that needs everything now. Hopefully eventually it will be fostered or adopted into a caring family.
Worst case scenario, allow only the daughter and can’t to move in until the baby is born. Require she get herself situated before baby comes so she’ll be able to move out upon birth. If she doesn’t abide by the rules, I’d file for custody of the baby so they’ll have a good loving home life with y’all. That eliminates the “obligation” to step in and take care of the baby. Draw up a legal contract to force her hand into taking care of herself and the unborn baby or y’all will assume legal custody of this baby.
How does filing for custody eliminate the obligation. Filing for custody would guarantee an obligation to care for it
Load More Replies... Although I do side with the dad, I find it weird that he wants her to get rid of the baby. He may not outright say it but he makes the comment multiple times that “she is intent in keeping the baby” which means that he probably asked her to get rid of it and she said no. I absolutely get that the girl is irresponsible, but who’s is to say that child won’t be loved? Again ultimately I see it the dads way but he is putting is own trauma and experience with his ex and morphing it and using that as an excuse to judge his daughter. He could tone down is ahole ness.
The dude had a responsibility to his wife and two young kids. His daughter is a damn adult. What is with people bringing up the generation issue? This has nothing to do with the article. In a situation like this, adoption is better for that baby than living with deadbeat parents. Besides, kids are expensive. OP had enough on his plate. And, not every parent wants to parent their own grandkid. My mother was adopted by her father's parents because to them, it was an obligation, not out of love. Also, what in the hell do you mean 'when they're youngest turns 18, they get to be fancy-free teens again'? That's complete bullsh*t. I'm the youngest in my family, 19, I had to become an adult at 12. Don't assume something that you clearly don't know/understand.
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