“[Am I The Jerk] For Telling My SIL That I Will Call The Cops For Child Abandonment The Moment She Steps Out Of The House?”
Being pregnant and then having to raise a child is most often a personal choice, which means the parents are prepared to accept all the challenges they will be faced with and they are aware that they will have to do most of the work.
Families are different and some might want to help with the baby while others don’t consider it their responsibility. Regardless of what the case is, parents expecting family to help raise the children shows entitlement.
This man on Reddit was so annoyed with his SIL continuously wanting him to keep an eye on her baby that he was prepared to call the police if she tried to leave him alone with the child while she went to the pharmacy.
More info: Reddit
Man didn’t give in to SIL’s requests to look after her son just because they were living together and eventually was given an ultimatum
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Image credits: North Charleston (not the actual photo)
The main protagonists of this story are the Original Poster (OP), his brother Jack and his sister-in-law Jill. A while ago, Jill got pregnant and coincidentally their lease was coming to an end, so Jack’s parents invited the two of them to live in their house a bit.
The OP was already living there and contributing to 50 percent of all household expenses and was paying for mortgage. It was not because they couldn’t afford it, but he genuinely wanted to chip in. He has decided that he will never get married, and because he won’t be creating his own family, he thought it would be nice to take care of his parents, so he never moved out.
The man was content with his life until his brother and SIL moved in. Firstly, he was kicked out of his room to a smaller guest room. He wasn’t allowed to cook the breakfast he liked or any other food that irritated Jill.
Because the OP worked from home and Jack didn’t, Jill thought that she could boss her BIL around, which he didn’t appreciate, because Jill wasn’t his wife and it wasn’t him who got her pregnant.
The OP lived with his parents by choice as he wasn’t planning to have a family of his own and wanted to take care of the one he already had
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It didn’t get better after the baby was born. Actually, it got worse because the OP was expected to be involved. Jill wouldn’t ask him to babysit the nephew for hours when she left, but she wanted him to watch the baby when she was in the shower, when she cooked and on other similar occasions.
These favors don’t seem like a big deal and wouldn’t take much time or effort, but the OP doesn’t really like babies and didn’t sign up for this. If Jill was living only with her husband, they wouldn’t have access to an in-house babysitter all the time, so he doesn’t think he needs to be available for all those requests.
Bored Panda reached out to Nixaly Leonardo, LCSW, a cognitive behavioral therapist specializing in interpersonal relationships to ask if she thinks that parents have the right to expect help from relatives. In her opinion, “It depends on the family, cultural norms and how specific family members feel about children in general and the specific children they would be helping. I believe it is only the responsibility of the parents to take care of their children because they decided to have them. If others want to help or are being paid to help, then those people can and should be involved in caring for the children.”
He has a remote job and even though his parents aren’t struggling financially, he was paying for half of the bills and mortgage
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Image credits: happily-single-dwarf
However, because the parents are so happy about their grandchild and that he lives in their home, they always side with Jill and that always leads to family fights where the OP is painted as the bad guy.
Nixaly Leonardo doesn’t agree with such an approach as she believes that relatives have “the right to refuse to babysit, even if they live with the child (unless some sort of arrangement was made where the family member agreed to care for the child as part of living in the same home).” And she adds that disliking children doesn’t automatically make you a bad person, “everyone has their own opinions of children and some people are more comfortable with being around children than others.”
The last time Jill asked the OP to look after his nephew was when she was going to the pharmacy to buy baby formula. The OP threatened that if she left the house, he’d call the police and report her for abandoning her baby.
Jill believed him and broke down. When OP’s parents learnt about it, they wanted their son to move out if he doesn’t want to help, guilt tripping him about being selfish and that they didn’t raise him to be like that.
OP’s brother and wife also moved in and the pregnant woman terrorized her BIL from the beginning, starting from kicking him out of his room
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In a later comment, OP wrote, “I think my parents weren’t even serious about me moving. They would be pretty much shocked if I do. They all walk on eggshells around Jill and expect me to do the same, just to keep the peace. I refuse. I’m willing to be a doormat for my parents, but not for Jill.”
The OP doesn’t like babies, so he doesn’t have children. It is understandable why he is so frustrated with his sister-in-law continuing to ask him to carry out babysitter duties just because he’s always around.
On the other hand, the baby is his nephew and Jill is not a random roommate who is dumping her baby on him, but his family, and this kind of relationship means that you help each other out. After all, Jill wasn’t leaving the house because she was tired of being a mom, but because she wanted to buy baby formula. She only asked the OP to keep an eye on the baby when she was taking a shower or preparing food.
When the baby was born, the SIL kept asking the OP to keep an eye on the baby at the times that she couldn’t, but he kept refusing, which resulted in constant fights
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Image credits: happily-single-dwarf
Also, there are numerous benefits to going to relatives to ask them to babysit your children. Very Well Family confirms that it is truly convenient. They are always around, you feel comfortable contacting them even at the last minute, and you can trust them. There is a bigger chance that a relative will do you the favor and do it for free.
However, parents must know about the other side of the medal. Family members might start to think that you are taking advantage of their generosity and kind heart. Your relatives aren’t your nannies, so there could be resentment on both sides: “You want to have a date night with your spouse. Let’s call grandma. Uh-oh. She’s not up for it tonight. Now you’re aggravated! Or maybe grandma reluctantly agrees but now she’s feeling like you only call when you need her to watch the kids.”
Relatives may not be the best because you can’t dictate what kind of parenting style to use because they think they know what’s best for their grandchild or nephew. Compared to babysitters, relatives lack some of the medical knowledge as some people go through training on how to react in emergencies before becoming nannies.
One time the OP threatened to call the police if his SIL went to the pharmacy reporting her for abandoning her child because he wasn’t going to look after him
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Image credits: happily-single-dwarf
People in the comments were initially angry with the OP for being so unhelpful, but after his edit in which he mentioned that he contributes financially to living in the house and he is home all the time because he has a remote job, their judgment changed and they were actually angry at the rest of the family for mistreating the OP.
They suggested complying with the parents’ ultimatum and just moving out. He is 25 years old and it seems like a good time, especially because he still pays half of the bills even though there are now 3 extra people living there, so it would actually help him save money.
Everyone was on the woman’s side and OP’s parents now gave him the ultimatum of helping with the baby or moving out
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Image credits: Joel Kramer (not the actual photo)
Nixaly Leonardo also gave her take on the situation, “I feel sorry for both the sister in law and the man writing the post. The woman seems to feel overwhelmed with being a new parent. She seems to have unrealistic expectations of her brother-in law, and the brother-in-law seems to feel like his home and freedom are being invaded. He is trying to set healthy boundaries, which many people struggle to do (and then they become miserable as a result of lacking boundaries). The woman might benefit from changing her expectations and trying to figure out ways to handle responsibilities with the baby around, as many new parents do. Or she may consider getting others involved (especially her husband if possible) for support.”
Do you think the OP has an obligation to help his brother and SIL with the baby seeing as he is home all the time and the baby is his family? Or do you think that a baby is fully a parent’s responsibility and they shouldn’t expect family or strangers to help them if they don’t feel like it? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.
Redditors were suggesting that he move out because he was mistreated, having in mind that he contributed to the household so much
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My guess is that OP watching his nephew while Jill runs to the pharmacy, takes a shower or prepares a quick meal wouldn't have been a problem had Jill and Jack not been such relentless prick beforehand...
I think the same. Their entitlement made him not want to bother helping and I understand
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Did everyone forget he actually works from home? He needs the hours during the day to work, not babysit. Also, having a baby is no excuses to make breakfast, lunch or supper by yourself or even take a shower - how long is your shower for Pete's sake - max 7 minutes. Tons of mothers/fathers has done it. You have errands, bring your child. She needs a break? Fine, ask your husband or the grandparents - that's 3 people at your call. The OP is not and I completely understand his POV. Not getting attached because they will use that against him. Why did OP had to change rooms; why didn't the brother get his old room, even if that became the guest room. Who's the guest here? The brother of course; he's not even paying a penny. Time to move out. Help the parents later when and if the brother and wife are gone.
I would take my showers when my baby was sleeping. Not sure why she couldn’t do the same.
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I started reading this presuming that the run to the pharmacy had been for medicine for the baby, which couldn't be predicted, and which would also explain why Jill couldn't take baby with her, so I was thinking OP was a jerk because of my assumption. But no, it was formula. Important, yes, but a) predictable enough to give you time to stock up before running out & b) not a reason Jill couldn't take baby with her. OP pays 50% of the bills but got kicked out of his room months earlier with no warning into the smaller guest room for people who couldn't pay for the privilege. As someone who pays half the bills, surely OP should have been consulted by his parents before they moved in. Setting aside the impact on OP's eating habits, OP works from home yet he was expected to look after Jill whilst she was on bedrest and baby now it is born. It isn't clear if his parents both work, or if not why they weren't helping out instead of going out to do other things. OP needs to find a new place.
When me and my two brothers were infants my father worked pretty much day and night to provide for us. Mom had absolutely no help from anyone. So she lugged us around to anywhere she went, barring the first few days out of hospital after a birth. Even when she produced so much milk her blouse was stained after half an hour outdoors. She did not complain or demanded others' time. She wanted three kids and she knew her circumstances. She was an adult who made a choice and took the consequences.
Move out now. Do not help with any more bills. Do not return calls, emails,etc. You are a human being not her personal assistant. If you stay you must be paid fro anything you do for bro/ sil. He is her husband your not. Stand your ground.
I think it's high time you tell Jack, Jill and especially your parents to f**k right the f**k off.
Put him in a carrier, take the kid in the kitchen with her while she cooks or fixes bowl of cereal. Same with shower. It's not rocket science.
I hate your parents don’t even bother defending you especially since you pay half of everything. If this was a lease situation they wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Honestly at your age it’s probably best to move out. They’ll learn the mistake they made really quick.
OP, you're NTA; you're paying the cost (50% of everything) to be the boss. You should never have had to move out of your room or stop cooking your food. Your selfish parents are showing favoritism toward your sibling and spouse because they gave them a grandbaby. I would move out if you can afford it. Get some peace.
I would "temporarily leave", just to show them all how much you do contribute to that household. If they don't wake then, then they wont ever until it's too late.
Deff set yourself up for your own place w a 6 month lease. Then leave. Let everyone realize how much you do. If those two can't get their poo together resign the lease. If they leave an your parents finally realize your contributions and Jill's snotty behavior go back on condition they are gone. Or just stay gone an live your life.
Having to change room at the begining was a MASSIVE red flag. A room is a personal space, a sanctuary ! The only reason you can get evicted from your sanctuary is if it's on FIRE !
OP, get your own place, stop paying the mortgage, and see how they react
I ...have questions for the grandparents. How do they raise all these people who can't manage on their own? And question for the OP: What are you getting out of this relationship with your parents, in exchange for "50% of their household expenses" because you sure don't sound like the charitable type.
YTA, partially. I too don't enjoy watching over babies but surely you could say yes to some things, or maybe even offer to go the store to get the formula? Others in story may be assholes too but you definitely are being an A too.
Why should he? It's not his baby and he was working. Why should he have any obligation / duty to mind someone else's kid - especially when said people have booted him from his room, blocked him from cooking his meals and treated him as an unpaid servant? It's THEIR baby, not his.
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Nothing about that baby is his responsibility. They crashed his home and to help with THEIR kid. There are 2 parents and the grandparents that wanted them to live there, it's their job not his.
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Sorry... I wouldn't have watched my infant relatives either. I don't like children, would resent being treated as an unpaid babysitter and the child is NOT my problem - I didn't make it! Appreciate parents needing a break... but find a willing sitter (grandparents could have been an option here) or else pay someone for a few hours. The world doesn't revolve around you and your kid.
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By that logic, she could leave her kid in the middle of Walmart because there are tons of responsible adults in the area.
Load More Replies... My guess is that OP watching his nephew while Jill runs to the pharmacy, takes a shower or prepares a quick meal wouldn't have been a problem had Jill and Jack not been such relentless prick beforehand...
I think the same. Their entitlement made him not want to bother helping and I understand
Load More Replies... Did everyone forget he actually works from home? He needs the hours during the day to work, not babysit. Also, having a baby is no excuses to make breakfast, lunch or supper by yourself or even take a shower - how long is your shower for Pete's sake - max 7 minutes. Tons of mothers/fathers has done it. You have errands, bring your child. She needs a break? Fine, ask your husband or the grandparents - that's 3 people at your call. The OP is not and I completely understand his POV. Not getting attached because they will use that against him. Why did OP had to change rooms; why didn't the brother get his old room, even if that became the guest room. Who's the guest here? The brother of course; he's not even paying a penny. Time to move out. Help the parents later when and if the brother and wife are gone.
I would take my showers when my baby was sleeping. Not sure why she couldn’t do the same.
Load More Replies... I started reading this presuming that the run to the pharmacy had been for medicine for the baby, which couldn't be predicted, and which would also explain why Jill couldn't take baby with her, so I was thinking OP was a jerk because of my assumption. But no, it was formula. Important, yes, but a) predictable enough to give you time to stock up before running out & b) not a reason Jill couldn't take baby with her. OP pays 50% of the bills but got kicked out of his room months earlier with no warning into the smaller guest room for people who couldn't pay for the privilege. As someone who pays half the bills, surely OP should have been consulted by his parents before they moved in. Setting aside the impact on OP's eating habits, OP works from home yet he was expected to look after Jill whilst she was on bedrest and baby now it is born. It isn't clear if his parents both work, or if not why they weren't helping out instead of going out to do other things. OP needs to find a new place.
When me and my two brothers were infants my father worked pretty much day and night to provide for us. Mom had absolutely no help from anyone. So she lugged us around to anywhere she went, barring the first few days out of hospital after a birth. Even when she produced so much milk her blouse was stained after half an hour outdoors. She did not complain or demanded others' time. She wanted three kids and she knew her circumstances. She was an adult who made a choice and took the consequences.
Move out now. Do not help with any more bills. Do not return calls, emails,etc. You are a human being not her personal assistant. If you stay you must be paid fro anything you do for bro/ sil. He is her husband your not. Stand your ground.
I think it's high time you tell Jack, Jill and especially your parents to f**k right the f**k off.
Put him in a carrier, take the kid in the kitchen with her while she cooks or fixes bowl of cereal. Same with shower. It's not rocket science.
I hate your parents don’t even bother defending you especially since you pay half of everything. If this was a lease situation they wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Honestly at your age it’s probably best to move out. They’ll learn the mistake they made really quick.
OP, you're NTA; you're paying the cost (50% of everything) to be the boss. You should never have had to move out of your room or stop cooking your food. Your selfish parents are showing favoritism toward your sibling and spouse because they gave them a grandbaby. I would move out if you can afford it. Get some peace.
I would "temporarily leave", just to show them all how much you do contribute to that household. If they don't wake then, then they wont ever until it's too late.
Deff set yourself up for your own place w a 6 month lease. Then leave. Let everyone realize how much you do. If those two can't get their poo together resign the lease. If they leave an your parents finally realize your contributions and Jill's snotty behavior go back on condition they are gone. Or just stay gone an live your life.
Having to change room at the begining was a MASSIVE red flag. A room is a personal space, a sanctuary ! The only reason you can get evicted from your sanctuary is if it's on FIRE !
OP, get your own place, stop paying the mortgage, and see how they react
I ...have questions for the grandparents. How do they raise all these people who can't manage on their own? And question for the OP: What are you getting out of this relationship with your parents, in exchange for "50% of their household expenses" because you sure don't sound like the charitable type.
YTA, partially. I too don't enjoy watching over babies but surely you could say yes to some things, or maybe even offer to go the store to get the formula? Others in story may be assholes too but you definitely are being an A too.
Why should he? It's not his baby and he was working. Why should he have any obligation / duty to mind someone else's kid - especially when said people have booted him from his room, blocked him from cooking his meals and treated him as an unpaid servant? It's THEIR baby, not his.
Load More Replies... Nothing about that baby is his responsibility. They crashed his home and to help with THEIR kid. There are 2 parents and the grandparents that wanted them to live there, it's their job not his.
Load More Replies... Sorry... I wouldn't have watched my infant relatives either. I don't like children, would resent being treated as an unpaid babysitter and the child is NOT my problem - I didn't make it! Appreciate parents needing a break... but find a willing sitter (grandparents could have been an option here) or else pay someone for a few hours. The world doesn't revolve around you and your kid.
Load More Replies... By that logic, she could leave her kid in the middle of Walmart because there are tons of responsible adults in the area.
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