Teacher Calls Out This Mother Who Invited The Whole Class To Daughter’s Birthday Party Except For A Bully, Mom Asks If She Was Wrong
It’s normal to doubt your parenting choices; nobody has all the answers. But a mom who clearly wants only the best for her child recently got so confused about one of her decisions that she asked strangers on the internet to share their opinion on it.
The woman goes online by the name SomeSeriousToast. A week ago, she submitted her story to the ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ community, talking about her daughter’s sixth birthday party. More specifically, its guest list.
She invited everyone in her daughter’s class except for a bully who always gives her child a bad time. Even though the woman felt like it was the right call at the time, after having a talk with her daughter’s teacher, serious doubts started creeping into her thoughts, leaving her no choice but to reach out for help.
A concerned mother wanted her daughter to have the best birthday party, so she invited everyone in the girl’s class except for a mean bully
Image credits: TiAchen Aier (not the actual photo)
But after a talk with their teacher, the woman started questioning her decision, so she told her story on the internet, asking to help her make sense of the situation
Sadly, the woman’s daughter is part of a bigger problem. According to PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center, one out of every five (20.2%) students reports being bullied.
A higher percentage of boys than girl students say they’re being physically bullied (6% vs. 4%), but it’s the other way around when it comes to being the subjects of rumors (18% girls vs. 9% boys) and being excluded from activities on purpose (7% girls vs. 4% boys).
And it’s not just a one-time thing. Out of the students who reported being bullied at school, 41% indicated that they think the bullying would happen again.
The National Bullying Prevention Center also highlighted that students who experience bullying are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, sleep difficulties, lower academic achievement, and dropping out of school.
Plus, the victims are twice as likely as their non-bullied peers to experience negative health effects such as headaches and stomachaches as well.
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
However, as this meta-analysis of cyber and traditional bullying points out, we have to be careful when looking at the data. Even though such studies present useful evidence and help design prevention programs, they often have mixed findings and the numbers can vary big time due to different definitions of bullying; not all researchers endorse the most widely cited characterization of the phenomenon, which is “harmful and repetitive behaviors enacted by a perpetrator who is more powerful than his or her victim.”
Image credits: someserioustoast
Almost everyone thought the mom had every right to exclude the bully
SomeSeriousToast isn’t the first parent who has faced this dilemma. And while every case is different, some people think there are rules that apply to them all.
A few years ago, Mark Brearey, the head of Kingswood Preparatory School in Bath, the UK, made headlines for trying to remind moms and dads about being inclusive.
He wrote a letter to them in which he asked: “Please could you avoid bringing any party invitations into school that do not include all children in a particular class or year group. This goes completely against our policy of inclusion for every single child and is divisive and unkind.”
At the time, parents criticized the decision, with several calling it “ridiculous” on social media. Michela Helen Mills, for example, said: “I think children should be allowed to hand out invites and the headteachers should bear in mind that not all parents can afford to invite the whole class – some classes have 20+ in each class.”
In fact, money was probably the most-mentioned reason why this approach is scrutinized, but several parents supported Brearey.
Nicholas Roper was one of them. The man said: “He’s not forcing parents to host 30+ kids, just don’t hand out the invites at school.”
“Teaching kids is hard enough without extra drama in the classroom.”
After the news broke out, Brearey stood by his decision, saying it was designed to prevent children who are left out from feeling upset. He added that if parents wanted to invite just a few of their child’s friends, they should do it privately.
“If children feel like they have been left out by one of the class, it can have a serious impact and it is something that doesn’t need to happen. Why choose to exclude in a public context when you don’t need to?”
And it’s a sentiment many of the people who read this particular story have expressed in one way or the other.
But some pointed out that handing out the invitations during a school event may have been a mistake
NTA. My parents made me invite the girls who’d bullied me all year to the end of the year party. One of them kicked my little cat just because she’d (my cat) walked over to her for pets. Her mom almost called the police because I went berserk and broke her nose. Don’t be like my parents and make your child invite their bullies. It doesn’t end well and maybe this bully will be taught a lesson that’s not as harsh as a broken nose.
That's horrible that the bully was at the party. And hurting your cat .... you must have felt good after hitting the bully. Violence is not good but sometimes it just feels really good to whollop them.
Load More Replies...
The fact that the teacher called it "a little teasing" speaks volumes for how the teacher thinks of the situation. She needs to escalate to the administration because the teacher isn't doing anything.
Typical victim blaming here. A classic. I've seen it many times.
Load More Replies... NTA. I hope the bully learns from this. Also, the teacher called it "a little teasing". NO it's bullying and is therefor hurtful and harmful.
The bully will most definitely not learn from this. At least as long as her parents keep being shits.
Load More Replies... No sorry. Your racist nasty brat is not allowed at my daughters party. Spend less time modelling racist behaviour for your child. She learnt it somewhere
Exactly, a child that age has no Idea what racism is unless they are taught. When I was a young child I asked why one of my new playmates skin was so dark. Her reply was simple "Some people tan easily"
Load More Replies... 
Definitely NTA. Also, I would say she has every right to hand out invitations to everyone in front of the bully. Shows her what bullying someone will lead to. And that teacher is a di ckhead. A little teasing?
This! I can think of no better way to show that actions have consequences.
Load More Replies... Some of the first answers of Reddit are just unbelievable. Blaming OP for giving the invites in front of everyone. WTF? I just don't get it. Are we supposed to protect the feelings of bullies now?
For the 31 years since my first child went to school, it's been policy to invite the entire class if invites are handed out. Otherwise, the invites are mailed. I have learned that most children don't respond as this is known that everyone is asked and NO-ONE flatters themselves that everyone will come. RSVP is a must tho, and when 'bully' responds, can tell Mom that the 'bully' isn't friend material so is not welcome and maybe some lame excuse of not being able to afford all who responded so some are being turned away. With our older daughter 1/3 responded (or 8) from her class, so manageable.
Load More Replies...
She’s only 6. Where is the bully learning this from? Probably her mom. She isn’t born racist… Hopefully she learns from someone and finally realizes it’s not okay.
One can hope the bully learns a lesson, but I really doubt it - she's had the racism poured into her ears at home since birth. Until the parents change their attitude, the kid won't.
Load More Replies...
Everybody has the right to decide who they want to see at their birthday party. The little brat feels excluded? Good. It's time for her to learn that her actions have consequences.
Kids need to learn that if you’re going to be a bully you won’t get invited to parties everyone else is part of. Stop coddling kids with bad behavior
Kids need to hear it, have boundaries and don't let others bully you, but if you're not nice, people won't want to be friends with you. This kid intimidates OP's daughter. How can you have a party if you're scared? The only sad thing is that she won't learn much because apparently the parents don't get it, either.
Teacher is kinda an enabler because he called it a “little teasing”. That encourages the bully to bully more.
When I was a kid, the only ones who invited the whole class to their birthday party were the rich kids, whose parents had big houses and could afford things like bouncy houses, food and party favors for 30 kids. The rest of us - if we were even allowed to have a party - were given a modest number we could invite: 6, 8, maybe 10. Did that result in some hurt feelings when someone didn't make the cut? Of course. On the other side, it created a world where each kid had a few precious close friends, a bunch of casual friends/schoolmates, and a few a*hole kids who we tried to ignore. I think that created a much healthier perspective than today's model, where kids are told they're supposed to be friends with everyone, and it's wrong to exclude people who treat them badly.
NTA. The teacher is an idiot for calling it “teasing”. The bully’s mother needs to know the extent of her child’s behaviour. As a child I decided who would come to my party and I would hand out my invites in a school break. I invited my friends. Those who weren’t my friends didn’t get upset at all. They didn’t expect an invite. Back in my day full inclusion would have been seen as a wacky idea. It’s not real. It doesn’t teach anything about the real world. Inclusion says that even if you are a total jerk you’ll still be rewarded with party invites. No, wrong. You’re a git and because you’re a git you’re not getting invites.
Soooooooooo...this kid insults your child, picks on your child, and has even put HANDS on your child, and you're questioning am I wrong for not having her over for cake and fun?!? Stop letting peoples opinions make you question all your decisions!!! They don't pay your bills or care about what's right for you and your family. What you did is right and since the parents and teacher don't think that teaching a bully there are consequences to their actions she will learn at least one lesson now that she's the only kid not invited. Inviting her probably would've made things worse, nothing solidifies that behavior more than "I just beat you up and now I'm eating cake at your house"
I never understand this whole "invite the entire class to your kid's birthday" thing. When I was a kid we would only have our actual friends over for our birthdays, not the whole class. Unless it's a really tiny class, that seems ridiculous.
Teacher needs to be fired and hey if US sue the bugger as well. His attitude implies he is not doing anything to stop what is going on and has no intention to ever step in.
I'm still waiting for a valid explanation of what a little is. Please help out. Former bullied and teased child into teenager status. Thank you.
Hugs to you, I was bullied from 3rd grade thru high school too. I'm now a 70 year old grandmother and I still don't get what "a little" is either. IMO, even one instance of bullying is too much.
Load More Replies...
NTA. My kids are mixed and I'd absolutely do the exact same thing. Maybe it will spur a discussion at her home about how actions have consequences and how words hurt. Doubtful but possible
Just tell the teacher that the girl has made it clear all year by her behavior that she is not interested in attending social events with your daughter. Since she's too young to gracefully decline an invitation, you made it easy for her by not inviting her in the first place. End of story.
actions have consequences, hopefully the girl who was not invited understands this.
NTA. Bullies shouldn't be invited to anyones parties, even their own. especially not people who they bully. she can invite who she likes, and if she likes everyone in the class apart from the bully, then it's only fair to invite everyone except the bully. I hope afterwards all of the guests talk a lot about what a great party it was and how much fun they all had, and make that nasty brat realise that it's their own fault they weren't invited.
It is quite natural that OP should feel a little bad, but that is because she is a thoughtful mother and able to feel for the bully as well. Anybody would in that situation, but OP didn't bring it on, the bullys mother (or father) did and should be the ones to feel bad. But with such a teacher the bullys parents may not know what is really happening, since they are not there when it happens.
NTA. The fact that the mother is feeling a bit guilty now shows how more thoughtful and humane she is than the bully's mother. While I understand this thing of inviting the whole class if you're handing invitations at school, it does seem like the mother did it as of spite to the bully, and the part of me who was bully and wants justice thinks it's great XD
Thanks to this kind of people, that think the “little teasing” is nothing, it turns out in not so easy things. I would be ashamed as a mother if my child would bully others. We are not “gold coins” to like everyone, but that mother does not make anything and her child is a kid that could be a better adult to society! :-|
How do you give invitations out at schools? Here (UK) you don't have your child's classmates emails or addresses so giving them out at school would be usual. Obviously you can do it without making a big show of it but it would be hard to hide.
absolutely not,wouldn't invite any bullies to any of my children's gathering either too bad shame on her parents who apparently didn't teach her better respect....price one pays for being a brat
NTA. And poor little girl got to realize she was excluded from a party for being a racist, mean, nasty human being. Oh no
I'm so sick of this, I keep reading about these classroom rules where a child has to invite everyone in the class to their birthday. No they don't! Some parents can't afford that kind of party and the child only wants their 3-4 close friends. Schools cannot dictate private functions off school property in the name of "hurt feelings"
I would want to sit in on the class and "tease" the teacher you have done nothing wrong. I do get you would feel a bit bad but how would your daughter feel if she was at her party.
NTA but agree don’t do it at school. If it was me, I would be reaching out to the bully’s parents again and being quite blunt about how problematic the bullying is. 6 years old, there’s enough time to inspire change in the child’s behaviour. Generally, they’re mimicking something or someone. Perhaps pointing that out would be a indirect way to assess if it’s coming from the parents
I agree with her not inviting the bully, but she should have found a way to distribute the invitations privately
Is that teacher a moron or what. These events are meant for family and friends. Clearly that bully isn't a friend. More like an enemy at this point for her incessant jackassery. Dumb*ss parents should shoulder the fault no doubt. But it's not the victim that should be paying the price for these incompetent parents, at her own expense no less.
Is the teacher paying for the party? Is it the teacher's party? If not, then why do they get to decide who gets invited or not? To be honest, if the kid's bullying acts have been reported to the teacher before and they still say this, I'll be reporting the teacher to school administration asap.
NTA. Personally, I would have spared no time in explaining to this teacher that I can, in fact, refrain from inviting any damn person I don't want at the party that I am hosting and paying for.. I would tell him or her that if they want to have a party with that kid, feel free, but it's not going to be my kids party on my dime. I am sick to death of people calling it a little teasing when it is actually full scale bullying. And if the teacher wants to have a party with this kid, fine, but the child who has been picked on does not have to have a party with the bully.
I don't agree that handing out the invitations at the school was wrong - the teacher isn't doing anything to stop the bullying, and it definitely sent a message to the little racist bully that being excluded is the direct result of her being a bully. And at that age, you KNOW she learned the racism at home. There needs to be a meeting with the school administration about the bullying, immediately!
not the a🎨🎫🍞🍓🥭e because bullies do not deserve invites. If the bully shows uninvited, call the police.
Maybe handing out the invitations in front of the child was a bit harsh,but then sometimes it is ,when the shoe is on the other foot.I would be putting in a formal complaint about the teacher.It's people like that who are always the first to their offer "Thoughts and Prayers" when a bullied child suicides.As for the other Mum,if she approaches you tell her that no amount of Her bullying You is going to change your mind ,and to speak to you again once her kid has some counselling and after her AND her kid have apologized to your child.
OH, I see, handing out invites at the school is not okay because it might hurt the poor little racist bully's feelings, regardless of how she's hurting the OP's daughter. No. The mean little sh*t needs to be sent a message that this is what happens when you torment & abuse another person. It's obvious the teacher isn't doing anything about it, and the parents of the bully are the ones teaching her that bullying is ok.
Load More Replies... NTA. My parents made me invite the girls who’d bullied me all year to the end of the year party. One of them kicked my little cat just because she’d (my cat) walked over to her for pets. Her mom almost called the police because I went berserk and broke her nose. Don’t be like my parents and make your child invite their bullies. It doesn’t end well and maybe this bully will be taught a lesson that’s not as harsh as a broken nose.
That's horrible that the bully was at the party. And hurting your cat .... you must have felt good after hitting the bully. Violence is not good but sometimes it just feels really good to whollop them.
Load More Replies... The fact that the teacher called it "a little teasing" speaks volumes for how the teacher thinks of the situation. She needs to escalate to the administration because the teacher isn't doing anything.
Typical victim blaming here. A classic. I've seen it many times.
Load More Replies... NTA. I hope the bully learns from this. Also, the teacher called it "a little teasing". NO it's bullying and is therefor hurtful and harmful.
The bully will most definitely not learn from this. At least as long as her parents keep being shits.
Load More Replies... No sorry. Your racist nasty brat is not allowed at my daughters party. Spend less time modelling racist behaviour for your child. She learnt it somewhere
Exactly, a child that age has no Idea what racism is unless they are taught. When I was a young child I asked why one of my new playmates skin was so dark. Her reply was simple "Some people tan easily"
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. Also, I would say she has every right to hand out invitations to everyone in front of the bully. Shows her what bullying someone will lead to. And that teacher is a di ckhead. A little teasing?
This! I can think of no better way to show that actions have consequences.
Load More Replies... Some of the first answers of Reddit are just unbelievable. Blaming OP for giving the invites in front of everyone. WTF? I just don't get it. Are we supposed to protect the feelings of bullies now?
For the 31 years since my first child went to school, it's been policy to invite the entire class if invites are handed out. Otherwise, the invites are mailed. I have learned that most children don't respond as this is known that everyone is asked and NO-ONE flatters themselves that everyone will come. RSVP is a must tho, and when 'bully' responds, can tell Mom that the 'bully' isn't friend material so is not welcome and maybe some lame excuse of not being able to afford all who responded so some are being turned away. With our older daughter 1/3 responded (or 8) from her class, so manageable.
Load More Replies... She’s only 6. Where is the bully learning this from? Probably her mom. She isn’t born racist… Hopefully she learns from someone and finally realizes it’s not okay.
One can hope the bully learns a lesson, but I really doubt it - she's had the racism poured into her ears at home since birth. Until the parents change their attitude, the kid won't.
Load More Replies... Everybody has the right to decide who they want to see at their birthday party. The little brat feels excluded? Good. It's time for her to learn that her actions have consequences.
Kids need to learn that if you’re going to be a bully you won’t get invited to parties everyone else is part of. Stop coddling kids with bad behavior
Kids need to hear it, have boundaries and don't let others bully you, but if you're not nice, people won't want to be friends with you. This kid intimidates OP's daughter. How can you have a party if you're scared? The only sad thing is that she won't learn much because apparently the parents don't get it, either.
Teacher is kinda an enabler because he called it a “little teasing”. That encourages the bully to bully more.
When I was a kid, the only ones who invited the whole class to their birthday party were the rich kids, whose parents had big houses and could afford things like bouncy houses, food and party favors for 30 kids. The rest of us - if we were even allowed to have a party - were given a modest number we could invite: 6, 8, maybe 10. Did that result in some hurt feelings when someone didn't make the cut? Of course. On the other side, it created a world where each kid had a few precious close friends, a bunch of casual friends/schoolmates, and a few a*hole kids who we tried to ignore. I think that created a much healthier perspective than today's model, where kids are told they're supposed to be friends with everyone, and it's wrong to exclude people who treat them badly.
NTA. The teacher is an idiot for calling it “teasing”. The bully’s mother needs to know the extent of her child’s behaviour. As a child I decided who would come to my party and I would hand out my invites in a school break. I invited my friends. Those who weren’t my friends didn’t get upset at all. They didn’t expect an invite. Back in my day full inclusion would have been seen as a wacky idea. It’s not real. It doesn’t teach anything about the real world. Inclusion says that even if you are a total jerk you’ll still be rewarded with party invites. No, wrong. You’re a git and because you’re a git you’re not getting invites.
Soooooooooo...this kid insults your child, picks on your child, and has even put HANDS on your child, and you're questioning am I wrong for not having her over for cake and fun?!? Stop letting peoples opinions make you question all your decisions!!! They don't pay your bills or care about what's right for you and your family. What you did is right and since the parents and teacher don't think that teaching a bully there are consequences to their actions she will learn at least one lesson now that she's the only kid not invited. Inviting her probably would've made things worse, nothing solidifies that behavior more than "I just beat you up and now I'm eating cake at your house"
I never understand this whole "invite the entire class to your kid's birthday" thing. When I was a kid we would only have our actual friends over for our birthdays, not the whole class. Unless it's a really tiny class, that seems ridiculous.
Teacher needs to be fired and hey if US sue the bugger as well. His attitude implies he is not doing anything to stop what is going on and has no intention to ever step in.
I'm still waiting for a valid explanation of what a little is. Please help out. Former bullied and teased child into teenager status. Thank you.
Hugs to you, I was bullied from 3rd grade thru high school too. I'm now a 70 year old grandmother and I still don't get what "a little" is either. IMO, even one instance of bullying is too much.
Load More Replies... NTA. My kids are mixed and I'd absolutely do the exact same thing. Maybe it will spur a discussion at her home about how actions have consequences and how words hurt. Doubtful but possible
Just tell the teacher that the girl has made it clear all year by her behavior that she is not interested in attending social events with your daughter. Since she's too young to gracefully decline an invitation, you made it easy for her by not inviting her in the first place. End of story.
actions have consequences, hopefully the girl who was not invited understands this.
NTA. Bullies shouldn't be invited to anyones parties, even their own. especially not people who they bully. she can invite who she likes, and if she likes everyone in the class apart from the bully, then it's only fair to invite everyone except the bully. I hope afterwards all of the guests talk a lot about what a great party it was and how much fun they all had, and make that nasty brat realise that it's their own fault they weren't invited.
It is quite natural that OP should feel a little bad, but that is because she is a thoughtful mother and able to feel for the bully as well. Anybody would in that situation, but OP didn't bring it on, the bullys mother (or father) did and should be the ones to feel bad. But with such a teacher the bullys parents may not know what is really happening, since they are not there when it happens.
NTA. The fact that the mother is feeling a bit guilty now shows how more thoughtful and humane she is than the bully's mother. While I understand this thing of inviting the whole class if you're handing invitations at school, it does seem like the mother did it as of spite to the bully, and the part of me who was bully and wants justice thinks it's great XD
Thanks to this kind of people, that think the “little teasing” is nothing, it turns out in not so easy things. I would be ashamed as a mother if my child would bully others. We are not “gold coins” to like everyone, but that mother does not make anything and her child is a kid that could be a better adult to society! :-|
How do you give invitations out at schools? Here (UK) you don't have your child's classmates emails or addresses so giving them out at school would be usual. Obviously you can do it without making a big show of it but it would be hard to hide.
absolutely not,wouldn't invite any bullies to any of my children's gathering either too bad shame on her parents who apparently didn't teach her better respect....price one pays for being a brat
NTA. And poor little girl got to realize she was excluded from a party for being a racist, mean, nasty human being. Oh no
I'm so sick of this, I keep reading about these classroom rules where a child has to invite everyone in the class to their birthday. No they don't! Some parents can't afford that kind of party and the child only wants their 3-4 close friends. Schools cannot dictate private functions off school property in the name of "hurt feelings"
I would want to sit in on the class and "tease" the teacher you have done nothing wrong. I do get you would feel a bit bad but how would your daughter feel if she was at her party.
NTA but agree don’t do it at school. If it was me, I would be reaching out to the bully’s parents again and being quite blunt about how problematic the bullying is. 6 years old, there’s enough time to inspire change in the child’s behaviour. Generally, they’re mimicking something or someone. Perhaps pointing that out would be a indirect way to assess if it’s coming from the parents
I agree with her not inviting the bully, but she should have found a way to distribute the invitations privately
Is that teacher a moron or what. These events are meant for family and friends. Clearly that bully isn't a friend. More like an enemy at this point for her incessant jackassery. Dumb*ss parents should shoulder the fault no doubt. But it's not the victim that should be paying the price for these incompetent parents, at her own expense no less.
Is the teacher paying for the party? Is it the teacher's party? If not, then why do they get to decide who gets invited or not? To be honest, if the kid's bullying acts have been reported to the teacher before and they still say this, I'll be reporting the teacher to school administration asap.
NTA. Personally, I would have spared no time in explaining to this teacher that I can, in fact, refrain from inviting any damn person I don't want at the party that I am hosting and paying for.. I would tell him or her that if they want to have a party with that kid, feel free, but it's not going to be my kids party on my dime. I am sick to death of people calling it a little teasing when it is actually full scale bullying. And if the teacher wants to have a party with this kid, fine, but the child who has been picked on does not have to have a party with the bully.
I don't agree that handing out the invitations at the school was wrong - the teacher isn't doing anything to stop the bullying, and it definitely sent a message to the little racist bully that being excluded is the direct result of her being a bully. And at that age, you KNOW she learned the racism at home. There needs to be a meeting with the school administration about the bullying, immediately!
not the a🎨🎫🍞🍓🥭e because bullies do not deserve invites. If the bully shows uninvited, call the police.
Maybe handing out the invitations in front of the child was a bit harsh,but then sometimes it is ,when the shoe is on the other foot.I would be putting in a formal complaint about the teacher.It's people like that who are always the first to their offer "Thoughts and Prayers" when a bullied child suicides.As for the other Mum,if she approaches you tell her that no amount of Her bullying You is going to change your mind ,and to speak to you again once her kid has some counselling and after her AND her kid have apologized to your child.
OH, I see, handing out invites at the school is not okay because it might hurt the poor little racist bully's feelings, regardless of how she's hurting the OP's daughter. No. The mean little sh*t needs to be sent a message that this is what happens when you torment & abuse another person. It's obvious the teacher isn't doing anything about it, and the parents of the bully are the ones teaching her that bullying is ok.
Load More Replies...
103
75