Aita? Divorce Contemplation After Cancer

Sorry this is gonna be long.

I (35f) and my husband (36m) have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We’ve got two kids (6 and 8).

Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. Although the treatment was brutal, I pulled through, or so it seems for now.

The truth is, things have not been smooth for the past 5 years or so. I have been trying to fit in what my husband sees as ideal life, living in remote locations and adjusting my life to make it work for us as a family. His dream is to live by the ocean, far from people. I’m a city girl.

For the sake of making it work for both of us, I’ve taken jobs that are well below my abilities. For him though it does look like it’s what I wanted. It was, because at that point it was the only available thing given the compromise.

My husband was living his dream life not even realizing that my resentment was building up. I did bring this up many times but he was dismissive.

Things blew up two times - he saw me flirting with another guys (I never even kissed anyone, but it was an emotional betrayal probably).

I gave up alcohol 3 years ago to make sure I’m always in control and don’t do stupid shit that can ruin my relationship.

My husband is a great father. I’ve never had a father like that. He loves our children and they have a great relationship. So do I with my kids. But he isn’t a great partner. He asks me every day about my day, but never really listens to what I say. He keeps talking about his work but doesn’t notice me.

He makes a lot more than me (7-10x), but insists that we pay everything 50/50 “to keep it fair”. During the past years I’ve been covering more expenses that him, and I was working full-time during my treatment. He never offered to pay for any extras. In his book, there were years (my pregnancies) when I was paying less, so now it’s fair that I pay more.

I don’t feel emotionally connected to him at all. And I don’t want to have sex with him. I have a history of abuse and I need an emotional connection to enjoy sex. But for the past 5 years he’s been only touching me if and when he needs sex. I’ve given in so many times and cried after because it felt like I’ve betrayed myself but I had to do it because he needs it and I’m a spouse.

So now, I’ve been still contemplating divorce for over 8 months. I’m out of treatment and I don’t know if I’m gonna stay healthy for a long time. But I’m tired of compromises.

He is a nice guy and we’re planning to start a therapy, but I just want to live a new life. Therapy seems like a burden to me.

AITA for wanting a divorce?

A 35-year-old woman, who battled cancer, contemplates divorce from her 36-year-old husband of 8 years. They have two children, aged 6 and 8. Their relationship has faced challenges over the past 5 years, with the husband's dream of living in a remote, oceanside location conflicting with her city preferences. To accommodate his dream, she took lower-paying jobs, leading to resentment. She's struggled with his dismissiveness of her concerns and emotional betrayal due to flirtatious behavior. Despite being a good father, he falls short as a partner, displaying poor communication and financial fairness issues. The emotional disconnect has caused a lack of interest in sex, which has become a one-sided obligation. Considering her health and the desire for a new life, she's been contemplating divorce for over 8 months, even though therapy is on the table. She questions if she's in the wrong for wanting a divorce.

Readers comment that :

MannyMoSTL

>Allowing yourself to be happy is not an asshole thing to do.

Let me say that louder:

ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY IS NOT AN ASSH0LE THING TO DO.

emma-butler24

NO, HE IS NOT A NICE GUY. HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A NICE HUSBAND.

>He makes a lot more than me (7-10x), but insists that we pay everything 50/50 “to keep it fair”. During the past years I’ve been covering more expenses that him, and I was working full-time during my treatment. He never offered to pay for any extras. In his book, there were years (my pregnancies) when I was paying less, so now it’s fair that I pay more.

Fiveordie

Imagine loving someone so much that you refuse to take care of them and nickel and dime them. The Spirit Airlines of husbands. Wow.