Hey Pandas, AITA For Feeling Like I Show Up For My Boyfriend More Than He Shows Up For Me?

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Me (23F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for five years. I would say for one, five years is a long time to build a life around someone, to assume they are your person when things fall apart.

Yesterday, in the middle of a lecture, my phone started buzzing. I almost ignored it because we’re not really allowed to take calls, but I saw it was my mom. I stepped out into the hallway, and she told me my grandmother had passed away two days ago.

Apparently, she didn’t tell me earlier because she didn’t want me to change cities for the funeral and miss classes. She also didn’t want me telling my sister because she studies abroad and “shouldn’t be distracted.” So I found out in a quiet university hallway, between lectures, like it was just another piece of information. Then I had to walk back inside and pretend I could still focus on pharmacology.

I live alone. My one close friend works full-time and couldn’t just leave

Image credits: Kinga Howard (not the actual photo)

I’m also currently taking care of my cat, who had surgery four days ago and still needs medication and monitoring. So I did the only thing that made sense to me, obviously, I called my boyfriend.

The day before, we had already talked about our plans. He didn’t have anything going on. When I called him, I was crying because I couldn’t keep it together at that point. I told him what happened. I expected, maybe stupidly, that he would say “I’m on my way.”

I didn’t directly say “Can you come over right now?” because four days earlier, when my cat had surgery, and I was exhausted and worried, I asked him if he could stay over that night

Image credits: Heather McKean (not the actual photo)

He said no, because he had work the next day at a place where he currently works part-time on a 0-hour contract. When I got upset, he told me my life is constantly stressing and that he needs his own time sometimes instead of being with me, and that he couldn’t miss his shift if he wanted to pay rent this month.

That sentence has been replaying in my head ever since.

So when I told him about my grandmother, he said he would come see me the next day

Image credits: Austin (not the actual photo)

I asked him why not today, especially since he had nothing planned. He didn’t really give me a clear answer, just repeated that he’d see me tomorrow. It felt so distant, almost like it was just scheduled. Like my grief could wait until it was convenient.

Yes, my life is stressful. I have chronic pain due to health problems that I am actively trying to manage. I’m in veterinary medicine, which is extremely demanding. I live alone, and I take care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability. I keep going even when I probably shouldn’t. He’s told me he admires that about me, that I’m strong and persistent.

But strength doesn’t mean I don’t need someone.

He has Type 1 diabetes, and I have never once complained about the extra planning, the late-night scares, the adjustments, the appointments

Image credits: Hamed Hoseini Pur (not the actual photo)

I show up, and I make time for him when it matters, even when I’m tired or when I’m overwhelmed. I still do my best to prioritize him.

Whenever I tell him I need his physical presence, though, he seems almost reluctant. He’ll tell me he loves me. He’ll say he cares about me. But when I actually need him there, in the same room, sitting next to me while I cry about losing a family member, suddenly it’s too much out of the sudden?

My god, I’m not asking him to fix my life, nor am I asking him to carry my stress… I just wanted him to sit with me so I wouldn’t feel so alone in that moment.

So, AITA for thinking that after five years together, he should have come over the same day I learned my grandmother had passed away instead of telling me he’d see me tomorrow?

Moderator’s note

Please be aware that the images used in this article are illustrative only and do not depict the actual people or events described.

If you’ve experienced something similar or have a story you’d like to share, we welcome submissions from our community, including anonymous ones. You can send your story directly to community@boredpanda.com to be shared anonymously. We review community stories regularly, and some may be featured in upcoming posts.

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