10 | Bored Panda

I’ve never understood children in my life, sometimes I even was afraid of them.
But once the miracle happened – my personal tiny universe started to grow inside of me. I couldn’t believe my eyes, pregnancy tests kept showing me two strips. I’ve checked 7 times – two stripes. I needed to be totally sure, so I had the ultrasound done. “Congratulations, you are 5 weeks pregnant” – they said.
“I’ll be a mother”. “Very soon”. “Today is already 6/7/8/9 weeks.” “I wonder what he would be.” “I wonder what his eyes would be.” “What about dimples”.

I was reading to him every day, talking, planning our future. I was asking him an advice about the food preferences. I wanted him to be happy with what I was eating. I was 10 weeks pregnant and suddenly everything turned out the worst nightmare.

I was taken by the ambulance because of bleeding. Quietly they announced me – “miscarriage”. He stopped growing 5 weeks ago. I lost him. I lost him on 10th week, when he had to turn from the embryon into a full foetus. There was nothing to do, I had to get rid of him unless it will be dangerous for my life. He didn’t come to me in dream that night. I begged him, I still continued to stroke the belly and ask “why” millions and millions of times. But there was no answer.

Morning. The sentence is executed. There was no coming back for me. When I woke up after the surgery, my world turned upside down for the last time, on the tenth. I lost him.
What should I do? Who am I? What is feminity for me after all?

In order not to go crazy, you begin to frantically fill the void: cheers all around, trying not to show weakness. But the problem is that every day in the House like the previous one:

I was trying to fill all my emptiness anyhow just not to get totally mad. I was trying help my friends in any case, cheering them up, trying not to show personal weakness. But the problem is every next day in my hospital room was absolutely similar with previous one:
Morning. Wake Up. Shower. Cigarettes. Sleep. Daytime. Who am I? Sleep. Dinner. Sleep. Late dinner. Thoughts. Cigarettes. Cigarettes. Thoughts. Conversations. What to do next? Injections. Cigarettes. Something went wrong, what was it? Thoughts. Dinner. Shower. Thoughts. TV. Background noise. Thoughts. Night. Sleep. Where am I?

Smiling to friends, crying inside. Talking with people, but not remembering even a word, I didn’t listen at all. What’s going on? Something went wrong? It will never happen to me again. Forgive me. What shoud I do? Seven, eight, nine, ten … He is gone forever. What shoud I do?