When I was raped, I felt like my world was shattering. I felt completely alone, scared and confused. There was a moment that my rapist told me to stop fighting. It was no good. It was already happening, whether I wanted it to or not. This was the moment that I froze, half from fear and half from survival instincts kicking in. Freezing was a big part of why I did not believe I could call what happened to me “rape” for several days. I was trapped in my own head, hating myself for panicking and freezing, for “allowing” it to happen.
I have learned from my attack that when something this big happens, there is no right or wrong way to act, feel, or be. There is only whatever you must do to keep yourself afloat. I can’t tell you how many times I heard people say I couldn’t be believed because I was so numb that I didn’t ‘act’ like a rape victim, whatever that means. My roommate, his ex-girlfriend, did whatever she could to prove I was a liar.
Work was my only escape. I could block the hell that was my home life and throw myself into my work. I got a raise within a month of my attack for my work performance. Going through the court process, I wanted to drop the charges so many times, not because I wanted him to get away with it, but I was just so tired of it all. I stuck it out though, and he eventually changed his plea to guilty. This still was not enough to sway the minds of those who didn’t believe me.
I took these photos because I wanted others to know that they are not alone. I never knew my voice could be this powerful. Everyone tells me how strong I am for speaking out. I don’t see it as strong. Plenty of strong people never speak out. I’m just doing what works best for me to cope. But, the amount of support that I received from family, friends, and even strangers has been overwhelming. Of course there are negative people, who do what they can to bring others down, but I am able to just ignore them.
Pictures were taken by Megan Blasdel Photography.
More info: kldoss89.tumblr.com
On December 21, 2013, I was raped by someone I knew and let into my apartment. I was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and pants, nothing exposed
For six days, I told no one. I was in shock and denial about what had happened to me
I was numb for so long that I thought I would never feel anything again. I thought I was going crazy
After I turned him in to the police, my roommate called me a whore, a cunt, a liar, and a bitch for “taking a father away from his children”
I lived every day in self-doubt, guilt and anger
I wanted to die
“Stop fighting. It’s already in.” – my rapist
“How can someone like you say no to someone like me?” – my rapist
I want to educate others about their options and rights, something I never knew
I am shattering the silence of sexual assault
I chose to be strong, I still choose it today
He has no more power over me
He tried to break me…
I did not let him win
I am a survivor!
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