What would you say if someone asked you what it means to be a good man? Some may say it’s caring, others would say it’s about being honest. But what if the question were a little different—what does it mean to be a real man? Taking charge and risks, suppressing weaknesses, and talking like a man may pop into your mind.
This is in fact the real test Prof. Michael Kimmel, a leading scholar on masculinity, runs on his students when the classes start. The simple warm-up activity shows how confusing the messages that boys get from society about manhood are. And it’s not just boys, the notion of masculinity in our society often represses men, claiming that strength is manly, and emotions are weak.
In order to see how truly damaging these narrow cultural ideals of manliness can be, we have to look at the real-life stories from men who experienced it firsthand. So when someone asked on r/AskMen “What was the worst reaction to letting down your emotional shield?” the unsettling responses came in one after another, as they shed light on just how lonely and misunderstood some men really are.
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You guys must have pretty terrible girlfriends. My wife and I share most things we feel vulnerable about. I am not going out of my way to be emotional, but I'm not hiding it behind some shield either.
If you show your true colors to a partner and she breaks up with you, it wasn't meant to last anyway.
In college a couple friends (both f) noticed I (m) was having a bad week and insisted I tell them what was going on.
After 15 minutes of me ranting about my grades, professors, my job, my family, I was starting to feel better getting it all off my chest. But then one of them, making no attempt to hide it, leans to the other and says “damn I wish we never asked” and they both start laughing with each other about how much they didn’t want to be there listening to me.
Now whenever people ask how I’m doing I just say I’m fine or I’m tired to save the time and energy.
Thats low. Dont ask unless u genuinely want to know. And dont diss other ppl when they open up:bring down ur wall is hard, and if it has to go back up it's fortified now
I don’t like opening up to anyone even today, after two years of anti depressants and six months of therapy. I can’t open up to my mom because she would end up using it against me, maybe immediately, maybe later. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She’s been through a great deal and tried her level best to not let that [stuff] reach us ( my brother and I),but to err is human. My dad is what your typical Indian dad is, a stoic guy, not expressing himself( kind of like the meme of that dog sitting in a room on fire). Add to that his emotionally distant parents and him joining the army at 17 to become an officer and you have this absolutely thick exterior that doesn’t let anything through. I work as a doctor in Delhi. Everyone around is dying. Bright eyed juniors I knew, people I said goodbye to not knowing it would be the last opportunity I’d get, patients and their hapless families, grieving mothers/ fathers/ wives/ husbands/ parents/ children. None of them deserved it and I feel that somehow I’m to blame. I can’t just man up every time. Sorry I started this diatribe. Had to get it out somewhere.
In my family I - as the father - am the rock and immovable point where everything hinges on. The stoic calm eye of the storm.
I once started to open up to my wife about what worries me and she almost had a nervous breakdown and I ended up consoling her for an hour. And it was some of the rather tame [stuff] I deal with all the time.
I stopped opening up about my worries towards her after that. I have a friend or two I can share heavy stuff with, but not with my partner. I tell her about stuff once it is solved.
"You should open up to me more!"
No.
Example of something current? The smell of desinfectant triggers painful memories of the death of my first daughter (NICU, 27 days old). Luckily you can't see my face under the mask in public, where there is a desinfectant station at every shop. I barely flinch at the pain anymore.
"You look grumpy today?"
"Grocery shopping was... exhausting. Everything is fine."
How heartbreaking for 2 reasons. One for not being able to open up to your wife and two for the loss of your daughter.
Told my dad I was on brain meds for anxiety.
“Mental weakling” were the words I believe.
No wonder men's suicide rates are so high when men get reactions like this. Things need to change.
I went to therapy and my therapist advised me to let down my guard to my girlfriend. She lost all attraction to me, shared my issues with her whole friend group for “her support”, and then broke up with me. Life will teach you lessons the hard way whenever possible.
I'm so sorry that has happened to you. If it's any consolation, she did you a favour. She's disgusting and so are her friends for not telling her to stop revealing your secrets. Unless those secrets could have potentially caused her harm, she has no business telling anyone about them. Maybe her therapists, if she's unsure of how to react, but couple's therapy exists for a reason.
I hope the lesson was that some people are simply dirt, not not to let your guard down again
It shows what kind of person your gf truely is and that you should not waste any more time with her. I am sorry that it turned out that way. But maybe you can see a small bright side to this thinking you really dodged a bullet there. There are good people out who care. But the truth is, that there also plenty of people who are not worth 1 minute of your precious life time.
The one person you are close to and put your trust in them and that happens...hmmm
I don't understand how people react this way when men show their emotions. They're HUMAN and are "allowed" to show HUMAN emotions. When woman are angry or not "reacting" they way society thinks a woman should, then she's a bitch or must be PMSing, is it not at all possible that she could just be having a run of the mill shitty day... Same with men, if men aren't always perceived as being "strong" or confident or if they ever dare share their feelings, then they're weak and unattractive? 'Cause heaven forbid they ever show anything resembling human emotions? It sucks that this guy's girlfriend didn't acknowledge his emotions and just listened, because chances are, he won't be likely to open up to another woman again, because being shot down was the lesson he learned. Maybe he should find someone who will rather support him when he opens up - maybe that's the lesson.
Some people prefer the illusion to the reality—-and this can go both ways. Men tend to focus on the superficial in women and ignore the rest. Good test of the relationship.
You didn't need her around anyway. Find someone who really cares for you and not some toxic hen.
You should be happy because that happened. At least you broke up with a girl friend who really doesn't care about your emotions.
Totally agree. I never speak much to my mother because everything I say has to be shared with everyone she knows, plus a handful of those she doesn't too.
There are things you can say to each other and things you should say to someone not emotionally involved with you. She didn't deserve you.
She's not the right one, then. You gotta start with that card - and that isn't to say that every person should share every little thing with their partner - but be available to be vulnerable if you need to be - and find a woman who is strong enough to listen.
Not every woman out there is like that. If she reacted like you say she did then you are better off without her. Even if you loved her, and it hurt to have her leave, you really are better off without that kind of toxic person in your life.
That is a win!, ¤&#(! that person, you're way better without that shallow excuse of a person.
In a way this was a blessing, you know for sure she is not worth your time and energy. Move on to someone who is warm and caring
She is a terrible person. This is all about her and says nothing about you except you would never have been able to be yourself around her....I'm glad you are free of her, and there are MANY women out there who will love you for all that you are--the sad and the happy.
People who are able to dismiss other people's feelings so easily and put THEIR OWN feelings front and center as a default, should NOT be in a relationship in the first place. These kinds of narrow-minded, weak-minded selfish individuals don't even know how to love and support themselves, let alone another human being. So sad people like this exist.
I know it's bad, but this is kind of a good thing. You figured this out before you got farther. It still must hurt though.
That girlfriend was a low person and you are blessed to be free of her.
Wow. My attraction would increase, knowing you experienced human emotions and experiences.
Doesn't mean the girl was bad, it probably just demonstrates how much girls are brought up to EXPECT men to behave in certain ways, and how even sexual attraction is defined by men playing up to those values. Society is a very powerful tool for conditioning behaviours. Toxic masculinity isn't just an issue for men, it's an issue women need to be able to deal with too.
I'm a woman, and let me tell you - there's no excuse for that... I won't say bitch because that would be an insult to dogs. Even if you're not committed into a serious relationship, even if you do lose attraction, there's better ways of handling these issues. It's not easy, but a bit of respect you can show.
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That was a sh.tty advice! What the therapist knows about her - and about your relationship?
If his girlfriend was a decent person it would be great advice, but alas. The therapist couldn’t have known his girlfriend was like that, even he didn’t know.
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I opened up to my mother twice about how I feel about my life and she is still using it against me 5 years later. I’ll never forgive her for that
One of the biggest fears - tell something painful about yourself and they will use it against you.
I opened up about my home situation in primary school to my teachers. it was about how my dad has a fuse the size of a microbe and can be verbally..abusive. my teacher told my parents what I told her. needless to say my dad was pissed and I didnt dare to talk about this stuff to “trust persons” till last year (16 years later)
My mother passed when I was 15, cried my eyes out to my girlfriend at the time – she called me a little b**** and said she didn’t get why I was crying – behind my back to her group of friends, and my best friend, who told me. So I broke up with her, then she spread a bunch of rumors about me. Yep, Teenagers are [messed] up
The one person I looked up to and wanted to be proud of me told me how worthless I was to him in a way that left no room for doubt.
My ex never reacted well to me opening up to her. I think it scared her or something. Getting a real, raw glimpse inside someone who is struggling with mental health issues can really freak people out, especially when they have this idea of who their partner should be or, how they want their life to be.
We need to stop picturing men to be these robotic, emotionless beings. They have emotions just like everyone else and deserve to be heard.
My biological father is a [jerk], and a lot of my depression and self esteem issues stem from my relationship with him. I tried opening up to a college girlfriend about it, and she called me “Captain Daddy Issues” and laughed at me. I laughed it off at the time, but it seriously broke my heart and led to me shutting down emotionally until I met the women I wound up marrying.
Grew up in the hood. Lost friends to violence or prison, lost people to drugs, saw some [stuff] that really [messed] me up.
Met a girl who told me I could tell her anything and she was always there if I needed to talk. One night it got to me and I opened up to her and you could just see all the attraction leave her face. She ended up distancing herself from me afterwards and we lost contact.
Learned a harsh but blunt truth that night. When women say they want you to open up, what they really mean is the romanticized version their favorite romance flicks show, not what it actually looks like to open up.
I'm sorry she did that. Just know not every woman is like that. If I tell someone that I am here for them and that they can open up to me, I mean it. Even if I find some situations awkward and don't know what to say, I will still be there to listen.
My grandfather who was like my father died. Then for the next 3 weeks I was very sad and aloof. My girlfriend at the time just found another guy because I couldn't be fun.
What a way to kick a man when he's down. I know it's not much consolation but at least you found out the kind of person she was before you committed a lifetime with her. You deserve better.
For me, it was when I needed her to be the strong one. Got super stressed out from first deployment, expressed that I needed a day or two of my own time to chill out from my gf at the time due to her insatiable desire to either be horny or problematic or how she would constantly express her horniness and then dump a really tough conversation on me (she was very back and forth about wanting kids, huge topic for me). Like she’d butter me up and then mention her mother wants us to date for 7 years before marriage and that’s the only way it could happen like wHAT. So. During the time I needed to clear my head, I didn’t do anything that’d hurt her I just went to work and focused on me and coping. Turns out, she lost interest in me pretty much immediately and then left me the two days later once I felt okay again because I wasn’t good enough. It’s cool, I was fine all alone out there and I learned that I am not dating a manipulative wreck who uses relationships to feel better about themself and uses me as a therapist. I’m a grown ass man and sometimes if I’m really stressed I need space away from the stress and not more crying or problems or complicated shenanigans.
stress can be a big mental problem and the last thing anybody needs is having more added to it.
I found out the person I wanted to be proud of me was just using me for their own personal gain. It was one of two people I fully let my guard down and man it stung.
Not nice when someone you look up to kicks you down just when you needed them.
A friend of mine told me I should open up more, and to share more with her. She promptly decided to drop all her problems on me, while also telling me to [sod] off when I had my own problems because “you should go deal with your problems yourself, I’m not your therapist”. She then used my issues to try and gaslight me into thinking I was insane. Nice gal, we ain’t friends anymore.134
My wife asked me what I said at counselling and I told her about my suicidal thoughts. She wondered aloud what else I hadn’t told her, and why I was keeping secrets, and does she really know me, and how can she trust me…
When I've opened up to women about my abusive childhood (because they ask me to "open up more"), they 9/10 times attempt to win gold in the "Victim Olympics". They compare traumas and somehow make it about them. Yet when they tell me about their struggles/traumas I always listen, show compassion, and validate them if applicable. I never compare.
My ex even got mad at me after I opened up. Not in the moment. It was about 3 weeks later. She said "I feel like I can't even open up to you anymore". When I asked why? she said "When I think about what you've been through, I feel like I can't complain about my situation". She was upset at me for this and wanted me to apologize for having "worse" (it's all subjective) trauma than her own.
I've found that many women want more for you to communicate how something made you feel. As opposed to hearing what actually happened. I've had the most success when I omit details and only discuss the feeling. For example "Childhood I felt helpless and alone but I'm good now". Rather than "When I was 11 my brother held a metal fork to the stove and branded me with it for fun".
Less details the better. Oh and for the record, you'll never out victim them.
Why do so many people have to make things into a competition. Especially about who is the biggest victim. I'm sorry but that is just f****d up. We all have our stories and we all deserve someone to hear us and I don't mean just listen but to actually acknowledge what they are saying and showing compassion.
I got my ass beat for trying to talk to my mom about being abused. Then getting s**t on every time I’ve tried to relate to someone since. I don’t really want to live in a world like this but I guess I don’t have a choice.
You are worthy, you just haven't found the right people to have in your life, to listen, love and support you.
Once, I told my friends about my high insecurities regarding my physical appearance and my “attractivness” (or lack of thereof in my case), and they laughed at me and made joke about it not being a “big deal” and implying that I was acting/thinking like a girl. I never shared anything more with those friends lol.
The number of times I’ve been told “Ah you’re like a girl” and ignored is pathetic.
You´re like a girl - you have to be strong in a world full of a**holes. That´s true, innit?
Opened up about how I felt about being dumped to a close friend that I was there for when they were in the same situation. My feelings and emotions were dismissed. The conversation left me feeling like an idiot for having these perfectly normal post break up feelings.
My ex GF,I was going through a rough patch slight depression. Told her I was looking to improve our relationship and understanding. She decided to break up with me.
Even if I was the rock, helped her earn some money, drove her everywhere. Helped her sister when she got beat up by exhusband (yeah awful). Helped her sister with the kids by finding them diapers and food. Helped the dad find oil and gasoline (my country for a moment there was none). And drove her to medical school when she couldn’t find transport. Paid for a trip to another country when our country was failing so we could be safer (later returned).
I said “you know i was not in a good place, i have not been my best for like 3 months. Ive supported you in everything, just give me a small chance”.
She responded “ don’t kill yourself, if you feel bad call your best friend”. “ you dont deserve this”.
Found out she cheated and the new boyfriend appeared a month later. Still hurts even after a year.
I’m still awestruck the way she did everything, a 3 year relationship meant that little.... but i have been better.
Everything that you have done for her and her family you sound to me to be a good man. If this is how she treated you then you are better off without her. Her loss big time!
That was my experience with my first girlfriend. She was really pushy about knowing my deepest, most irrational feelings, but got insecure, defensive and hurt over them when I shared instead of being remotely supportive.
Tell me all about yourself, but leave out the details that I might find offensive, hurtful or too emotional for me to handle. [Sarcasm:Off]
I tested the waters with my old college friends by telling them how sad I’ve been lately, but I was ignored.
It just hurt and made my feelings invalid. So, I pretended I was super chill, like I’ve always been doing and everything was ok again. Not really
Edit: This doesn’t sound so bad compared to everyone else, but I never share my feelings. I thought it might be a time where I can come out and try to share my emotions with people I thought would understand, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I appreciate you sharing this with all of us. I'm sorry you felt ignored and rejected by the people who were supposed to be your friends.
Went through an ugly domestic violence experience and relationship breakdown. Restraining order. Divorce. Whole shebang.
Tried to reach out to my only family member. Was told "I don't have the emotional capacity to support you".
K. Thx. [screw] me right.
In this case I have some sympathy for the family member. Not everyone is emotionally capable of giving the type of support that is needed. It's not necessarily personal, and probably better that they just tell them up front. I hope the guy managed to find support elsewhere.
I was honest with friends when I was younger and it just made me a target. If you show weakness you open yourself up to abuse. I think there's only 3 options really.
Therapy. Find an outside person with no social connection to you.
Work out to burn off those emotions.
Take ecstasy and overshare with people who are also on ecstasy. It's the only time in my life I've been able to do that and not be judged for it.
Therapy- yes, if you can afford it. Exercise- totally! Ecstasy- Terrible idea. There are outlets to share your feelings without being on dangerous and illegal drugs.
Divorce
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as a man who has had similar stories. luckily no heartbreaking ones but you learn to hide a lot very young anyway. i would like to acknowledge this kind of things also happen to women too. So my sympathy goes out to all, as this is not a battle about who gets abused most.
This just makes me so sad but also angry. Angry at the people who ask you to open up to then just throw it in your face. These people clearly struggle with empathy. I hope these men can find someone to love, care for and to listen to them, even if it's uncomfortable. They are our father's, brothers, sons etc and if we keep ignoring their needs, we will continue to see the high rates of male suicide. My heart goes to all of you.
I second all that you said. I just want to add -> not only suicide, but violence in general, even homicide. Abuse can manifest into harm towards others as well as self-harm. It's important for the men as individuals, but also for an overall healthy society. We need to really spread the real love, not only the cutsey hearties.
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To all of the people who have made posts here I urge you to see a therapist - if you've seen one before then find a new one. None of you deserve to live with these awful memories that have hurt and scarred you. You all deserve better, with a good therapist you can learn how to safely say what you want to without judgement, and how to safely put the feelings and memories away, then move forward with your lives. Best wishes to all of you Xxx
This is very true. Find a therapist that you mesh well with, it may take a few attempts to find the right one but it's worth it. Having someone in your life to validate your feelings and help you find your path through the process and a light at the end can be very freeing. Every person in this article (and beyond) deserves to have support, care, empathy, and a listening ear, free from judgement or retribution.
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Here's the thing, though. When children see their dads acting emotional or vulnerable, they no longer think that it's a big deal when they grow up. My dad was this way. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, and I'm thankful for it. These stories simply baffle me. Tbh, I've seen quite a few men cry, or tell me their very ordinary, human emotions, and it just never seemed... like a transgression. It was just two people talking. So, if nothing else, don't open up for your girlfriend or wife, open up for your kids.
I once wrote a letter to my mom because it was hard for me to tell her my feelings verbally so I wrote a letter she LITERALLY didn't even read it and tore the letter right in my face and threw it in the trash. I cried that night. :/
We all start off immature, without empathy or tact. Some people learn early, but some people never learn... Best to avoid them if you can spot them (in the getting-to-know-you phase, ask questions that make them talk about people- you can learn a lot from the way a person talks about their friends when they're trying to make an impression - if they are derogatory or competitive it's a red flag.)
Good idea! I recently broke off a long friendship. I had been disillusioned for years, but hearing them talk about other friends didn't help.
Load More Replies... I'm seeing a lot of comments tha are basically "Not All Women", in reaction to this men sharing their experiences with women. Obviously not all women are this way, but it is a fact that many if not most women around the world are deeply affected by patriarchal ideas of what a strong man is. Many women expect a good, strong man to be one who "keeps it together" under difficult situations. It isn't fair, and hopefully we (men and women) can work towards changing that.
The reverse sort of happened to me. My first boyfriend in my adulthood confided in me, shared his feelings, and cried when things weren't going his way. In other words, he was not shy about expressing himself. I was always supportive, and never laughed or belittled him. We were together for almost five years. Somewhere between year 4 and year 5, he told me that I was uninspiring, that I didn't inspire him to do better, to want to do better. Yeah, that was a slap in the face. Thanks a heap buddy.
I worry that this thread may discourage men (and maybe women) from opening up. Please be reminded that if someone is a jerk to you because you‘re showing emotions, the problem lies with them, not you. Or in other words: would you think badly of a friend/family member if they came to you and told you about their struggles? Before you care about someone’s opinion about you, take a step back and decide whether their opinion should even matter to you. Maybe your wife/friend/parent will laugh at you or worse if you open up to them, but then they‘re not good people to have in your life to begin with.
i had a gf who gotten mad at me for not showing up to school on the my sister died 3 years ago and i dont want people to see me upset and the struggling side of me and she said i was still wrong and i needed to suck it up and i told her about my suicidal thoughts and she laughed in my face and my what was friend said that i need to stop being so selfish and talked of all the people that she know that died.......its different when you have watched 4 people die and your sister taken from you too
You've been through a lot. Of course you should get support for that! Are there counselors you can talk to? Or online groups? Years ago, I used an online group while recovering from trauma. It helped in that I knew I wasn't alone or unusual or selfish.
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Some of these were straight up jerk moves, some were socially awkward, and some responses were having a zero emotional intelligence. Pretty much the same responses you'll get to opening up to anyone. It is actually more rare that someone will have the exact right response, intentionally or unintentionally.
Something like this happened to me with my ex gf. I was a virgin when I met her (and was afterwards too) and our first intercourse together didn't really work since I was too nervous. I later told I was a bit worried about it, and she said I was making her stressed for telling about my worries. I ended up apologizing about that on numerous occasions until she dumped me.
I hope you find someone who can use the simple words, "Don't worry, it happens." By the way, try not to apologize many times about the same thing. I used to do that, and now I just apologize once or twice. If I still feel guilty, I try to be a bit nicer than usual, such as giving a gift or making someone their favourite food.
Load More Replies... and wonder why mens don't want to open up? that s**t! i work in a call center and when i have shitty days, and i got so many, it's always make me cringe when i heard people : hi, how are you today?. i F*****G HATE THOSE WORDS!!! because people don't want to know how i feel. don't ask if you don't really want to know. i was in a really rough spot 3 years ago and they were days i just couldn't heard that! it make me left for home for the day a couple times.
I agree, it's generally not my favourite question, either. When a stranger asks me "How are you" I sometimes answer "Greetings to you, too." In some cultures, it's only asked if someone wants to know, but in others, it's just a greeting.
Load More Replies... No one deserves to be ignored or have their feelings dismissed. Everyone is entitled to be able to share their feelings no matter if they are a man or a woman. If you want someone to listen to you, but don't want to listen to them, then you are the reason your relationships are always screwed up.
I think the key is being open from the get go because at least then if they're not into it they can leave before you're in "serious relationship" or even marriage stage and you can keep looking for someone who loves your openness. I think when you've been the strong, stoic one always and suddenly you open up it can be shocking or it can feel like you're this whole new different person they don't know. And it goes both for men and women, really. I think we can all be victims to this "put your best foot forward" in the beginning of the relationship, always trying to be the fun, sexy, cool person and keeping the vulnerable side of ourselves hidden so people fall in love with the fun, sexy, cool you... but you can't be fun, sexy, cool 100% of the time because you're a human being so there will be bad days, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. My husband is the quiet type but even when our relationship was its early stages, I would notice his mood and encourage him to use his words.
My mother would use any of my fears or when people were mean to me (you deserved it) to throw it up in my face to hurt me whenever she could. I learned early only on (6 or 7) to never tell her how I felt. Abusers are abusers it doesn't matter what sex you are. They enjoy hurting other people.
man that gave anxiety, as guy that has experience all that I've seen some s**t in the way people react to feelings coming from a male, a lot harder than when females open up. people kind of expect it more, and get uncomfortable with the fact that a penis doesn't shield you from feelings...some guys will talk about it, others will externalice with "typical male behaviour"...you learn not expect support from anybody and know that is easier to say what people wants to hear than what you feel
I hate that there are people who do this to anybody in the world. I may not always know what to say, but I will ALWAYS be there and listen. And not tell everyone else about it the second you're out of earshot.
I remember once when I tried to encourage a mature and emotionally balanced discussion that someone went into a full-blown diatribe about how I must be a woman for not wanting to engage in what amounted to a digital "stick"-measuring contest. It's hilarious in retrospect now of course (especially since they were technically right about my being a woman and I didn't know it at the time), but back then I mostly just thought that there must be something wrong with that guy. I don't think the term "toxic masculinity" even existed back then.
There was something wrong that that guy. A lot of things wrong. And if he judged you for "being a wokman", he'd flip out if he saw me being a "man" by taking care of home repairs... If we're going by silly outdated stereotypes.
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I had to stop reading, made my stomach hurt. Women: Listen up. If you're one of those POS in these stories, and I know there's at least one reading these, STOP! Men have feelings too. It's not all about YOU all the time. Women like you give women like us bad names and ruin relationships for us. You don't want to be objectified yet you want to treat men like your personal toy. F**k that. If you can't treat a man they way they deserve to be treated then do us all a favor and stay in your homes and be single. Get a cat.... no don't get a cat, they don't deserve the cruelty. Just stay by yourselves. If my Son or brother or guy friend was with a toxic pos like these girls I'd beat their asses myself.
*pulls out knife* *cuts up some veggies* *tosses a salad* *gives it to everybody here along with a hug* *turns around and stabs the offenders with said knife*
Toxic masculinity, the unhealthy view of what a “man” issupposed to be, is just wrecking so many things. All the men that felt hurt, when opening up to someone else, and then did not feel met, rather rejected, and then gomon to never do that again? - people are very different, you did it to the wrong people, do it again and again - in small bits. Relationships grow so much deeper and stronger, friend and partners alike, when being true . We cannot be sure, that others can carry us and solve our problems, but just having someone aknowledge your emotions, helps being able to grow. So you too get better at supporting others and thus bonding, the most important feeling, we need that as a social species. I have several male friends that are for life, exactly by bonding for real.
Not everybody can't bear the weight of some stories. Freinds, family, partners usuallyy cannot and should not be a therapist replacement. But the sheer amount of toxic reactions in this thread is just upsetting. I said it a million times and will ay it a million times more: Feminism is there to liberate both, women and men.
yep, a lot of this rings true with me, too. Also the number of women who were instantly turned off by me telling them that i'm bi, even though i haven't had a boyfriend in years and years, but i am still occasionally attracted to guys... there's a reason guys don't open up. Still hopeful that the younger folks are better at this.
These are ridiculous!!! No one, NO ONE, should be treated like this. It would hurt so bad. How can people be so heartless????
It is absolutely harder for men to share their feelings. However, there are lots of loving and understanding people. You can choose to think no woman will listen to your feelings or your friends will judge you, but it really means finding the right people to surround yourself with. That's the tricky bit.
A guard is there to be your guard. That's why we have it. Don't let your guard down anytime. If you need someone, just cry in Jesus or whomever god you believe in. If you have a bestfriend, good for you. I have two besties and trust me, both of them doesnt have the same level of knowledge about my secrets and behaviors. One knows about how naughty i am. One knows just how silly i am. I still have my secrets that i still dont share with the two. That is for your own sake. That is your weakness. That should be kept inside you. It should be just between you and God. Then you'll be safe. Don't let your guard down ever.
I don’t care what they pretend to tell you but if you’re a man & you expose your feelings to a woman they will think you’re weak & will seek somebody ‘stronger’. Don’t fall for any of the bullshit. Men have been hiding their feelings for thousands of years and women like it just fine that way.
That's too bad. You shouldn't be betrayed for discussing your feelings. I hope you find someone you can talk to - listening is one half of communication. My husband is not the strong silent type and I wouldn't trade him for one. I'm also very happy that my father talks about his feelings, now that my mother's gone.
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And the people tell men that we should be more open and i contact with ourselves. I once trusted a girlfriend with my feelings. She used it against me. I have never made that mistake again.
Sounds like meeting supportive women is really hard where you live. Where I live, men and women don't behave in very different ways. For example, I was sitting in a cafe when a man told me that his relationship broke up. He was sad, so I listened to him and commiserated. It didn't matter if someone's a man or woman or gay or straight - it doesn't change that we all feel sad at sad moments.
Load More Replies... This is why I just don’t talk about myself. No need to potentially make myself feel worse.
Contrary to what most people think, it's actually women who are the most dangerous to open up to. They've been raised to dump their emotional load on men and have someone to lean on at all times. Seeing this, boys are also led to believe that girls are incapable of handling anything and so, are much less likely to confide in them. This is why we see many men make decisions without consulting the women in their lives and many women incapable of making independent decisions. Society takes the whole notion of men and women completing one another too literally. Let go of the idea of "finding your other half" and learn to be a complete human being first!
I agree with working on oneself first before looking to another person to be whole. As for your portrayal of male-female relations, it sounds as if you live in a community where women are infantilized and encouraged to be dependent on men and the men are confrontation-averse. It's not healthy for the women (who can't seem to manage living on their own and don't get a say in decisions affecting them) or the men (who have to make all the decisions and then deal with unhappy partners). I live in Canada (European descent), so the sexes being that polarized and being such poor communicators sounds odd to me. Immature adults exist, of course, but I find it easy to meet happy couples that get along well.
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This is a problem for straight men who possess emotional intelligence. Alpha men will just kill themselves if they can't find an outlet but emotionally intelligent men realize they can overcome issues through unloading, discussion, and support; however most straight men tend to choose their partners for looks rather than emotional maturity so they dig their own graves. Very easy to when young and inexperienced with life.
For millenia, women have looked to their mates for protection and provision, while they are in the more vulnerable position of bearing children. Male toughness has been integral to human survival. This is reinforced instinctively, not culturally, at its core. Fortunately men have the ability to compartmentalize their emotions in order to deal with the crisis at hand and be reliable providers during work hours. Testosterostone minimizes communication between the right and left hemisphere of the brain, for this purpose. At the proper time and place, one has the privilege of pouring out his pain to our compassionate savior. I have found this more healing than any amount of counseling. The results are often miraculous.
"Toxic femininity" is just as prevalent as "toxic masculinity." TF is NOT a response to TM, it is a new form of oppression backed by society AND law.
Maybe we should just BE KIND and stop labeling it "toxic this" or "toxic that". A jerk is a jerk, regardless of gender.
Load More Replies... as a man who has had similar stories. luckily no heartbreaking ones but you learn to hide a lot very young anyway. i would like to acknowledge this kind of things also happen to women too. So my sympathy goes out to all, as this is not a battle about who gets abused most.
This just makes me so sad but also angry. Angry at the people who ask you to open up to then just throw it in your face. These people clearly struggle with empathy. I hope these men can find someone to love, care for and to listen to them, even if it's uncomfortable. They are our father's, brothers, sons etc and if we keep ignoring their needs, we will continue to see the high rates of male suicide. My heart goes to all of you.
I second all that you said. I just want to add -> not only suicide, but violence in general, even homicide. Abuse can manifest into harm towards others as well as self-harm. It's important for the men as individuals, but also for an overall healthy society. We need to really spread the real love, not only the cutsey hearties.
Load More Replies... To all of the people who have made posts here I urge you to see a therapist - if you've seen one before then find a new one. None of you deserve to live with these awful memories that have hurt and scarred you. You all deserve better, with a good therapist you can learn how to safely say what you want to without judgement, and how to safely put the feelings and memories away, then move forward with your lives. Best wishes to all of you Xxx
This is very true. Find a therapist that you mesh well with, it may take a few attempts to find the right one but it's worth it. Having someone in your life to validate your feelings and help you find your path through the process and a light at the end can be very freeing. Every person in this article (and beyond) deserves to have support, care, empathy, and a listening ear, free from judgement or retribution.
Load More Replies... Here's the thing, though. When children see their dads acting emotional or vulnerable, they no longer think that it's a big deal when they grow up. My dad was this way. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, and I'm thankful for it. These stories simply baffle me. Tbh, I've seen quite a few men cry, or tell me their very ordinary, human emotions, and it just never seemed... like a transgression. It was just two people talking. So, if nothing else, don't open up for your girlfriend or wife, open up for your kids.
I once wrote a letter to my mom because it was hard for me to tell her my feelings verbally so I wrote a letter she LITERALLY didn't even read it and tore the letter right in my face and threw it in the trash. I cried that night. :/
We all start off immature, without empathy or tact. Some people learn early, but some people never learn... Best to avoid them if you can spot them (in the getting-to-know-you phase, ask questions that make them talk about people- you can learn a lot from the way a person talks about their friends when they're trying to make an impression - if they are derogatory or competitive it's a red flag.)
Good idea! I recently broke off a long friendship. I had been disillusioned for years, but hearing them talk about other friends didn't help.
Load More Replies... I'm seeing a lot of comments tha are basically "Not All Women", in reaction to this men sharing their experiences with women. Obviously not all women are this way, but it is a fact that many if not most women around the world are deeply affected by patriarchal ideas of what a strong man is. Many women expect a good, strong man to be one who "keeps it together" under difficult situations. It isn't fair, and hopefully we (men and women) can work towards changing that.
The reverse sort of happened to me. My first boyfriend in my adulthood confided in me, shared his feelings, and cried when things weren't going his way. In other words, he was not shy about expressing himself. I was always supportive, and never laughed or belittled him. We were together for almost five years. Somewhere between year 4 and year 5, he told me that I was uninspiring, that I didn't inspire him to do better, to want to do better. Yeah, that was a slap in the face. Thanks a heap buddy.
I worry that this thread may discourage men (and maybe women) from opening up. Please be reminded that if someone is a jerk to you because you‘re showing emotions, the problem lies with them, not you. Or in other words: would you think badly of a friend/family member if they came to you and told you about their struggles? Before you care about someone’s opinion about you, take a step back and decide whether their opinion should even matter to you. Maybe your wife/friend/parent will laugh at you or worse if you open up to them, but then they‘re not good people to have in your life to begin with.
i had a gf who gotten mad at me for not showing up to school on the my sister died 3 years ago and i dont want people to see me upset and the struggling side of me and she said i was still wrong and i needed to suck it up and i told her about my suicidal thoughts and she laughed in my face and my what was friend said that i need to stop being so selfish and talked of all the people that she know that died.......its different when you have watched 4 people die and your sister taken from you too
You've been through a lot. Of course you should get support for that! Are there counselors you can talk to? Or online groups? Years ago, I used an online group while recovering from trauma. It helped in that I knew I wasn't alone or unusual or selfish.
Load More Replies... Some of these were straight up jerk moves, some were socially awkward, and some responses were having a zero emotional intelligence. Pretty much the same responses you'll get to opening up to anyone. It is actually more rare that someone will have the exact right response, intentionally or unintentionally.
Something like this happened to me with my ex gf. I was a virgin when I met her (and was afterwards too) and our first intercourse together didn't really work since I was too nervous. I later told I was a bit worried about it, and she said I was making her stressed for telling about my worries. I ended up apologizing about that on numerous occasions until she dumped me.
I hope you find someone who can use the simple words, "Don't worry, it happens." By the way, try not to apologize many times about the same thing. I used to do that, and now I just apologize once or twice. If I still feel guilty, I try to be a bit nicer than usual, such as giving a gift or making someone their favourite food.
Load More Replies... and wonder why mens don't want to open up? that s**t! i work in a call center and when i have shitty days, and i got so many, it's always make me cringe when i heard people : hi, how are you today?. i F*****G HATE THOSE WORDS!!! because people don't want to know how i feel. don't ask if you don't really want to know. i was in a really rough spot 3 years ago and they were days i just couldn't heard that! it make me left for home for the day a couple times.
I agree, it's generally not my favourite question, either. When a stranger asks me "How are you" I sometimes answer "Greetings to you, too." In some cultures, it's only asked if someone wants to know, but in others, it's just a greeting.
Load More Replies... No one deserves to be ignored or have their feelings dismissed. Everyone is entitled to be able to share their feelings no matter if they are a man or a woman. If you want someone to listen to you, but don't want to listen to them, then you are the reason your relationships are always screwed up.
I think the key is being open from the get go because at least then if they're not into it they can leave before you're in "serious relationship" or even marriage stage and you can keep looking for someone who loves your openness. I think when you've been the strong, stoic one always and suddenly you open up it can be shocking or it can feel like you're this whole new different person they don't know. And it goes both for men and women, really. I think we can all be victims to this "put your best foot forward" in the beginning of the relationship, always trying to be the fun, sexy, cool person and keeping the vulnerable side of ourselves hidden so people fall in love with the fun, sexy, cool you... but you can't be fun, sexy, cool 100% of the time because you're a human being so there will be bad days, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc. My husband is the quiet type but even when our relationship was its early stages, I would notice his mood and encourage him to use his words.
My mother would use any of my fears or when people were mean to me (you deserved it) to throw it up in my face to hurt me whenever she could. I learned early only on (6 or 7) to never tell her how I felt. Abusers are abusers it doesn't matter what sex you are. They enjoy hurting other people.
man that gave anxiety, as guy that has experience all that I've seen some s**t in the way people react to feelings coming from a male, a lot harder than when females open up. people kind of expect it more, and get uncomfortable with the fact that a penis doesn't shield you from feelings...some guys will talk about it, others will externalice with "typical male behaviour"...you learn not expect support from anybody and know that is easier to say what people wants to hear than what you feel
I hate that there are people who do this to anybody in the world. I may not always know what to say, but I will ALWAYS be there and listen. And not tell everyone else about it the second you're out of earshot.
I remember once when I tried to encourage a mature and emotionally balanced discussion that someone went into a full-blown diatribe about how I must be a woman for not wanting to engage in what amounted to a digital "stick"-measuring contest. It's hilarious in retrospect now of course (especially since they were technically right about my being a woman and I didn't know it at the time), but back then I mostly just thought that there must be something wrong with that guy. I don't think the term "toxic masculinity" even existed back then.
There was something wrong that that guy. A lot of things wrong. And if he judged you for "being a wokman", he'd flip out if he saw me being a "man" by taking care of home repairs... If we're going by silly outdated stereotypes.
Load More Replies... I had to stop reading, made my stomach hurt. Women: Listen up. If you're one of those POS in these stories, and I know there's at least one reading these, STOP! Men have feelings too. It's not all about YOU all the time. Women like you give women like us bad names and ruin relationships for us. You don't want to be objectified yet you want to treat men like your personal toy. F**k that. If you can't treat a man they way they deserve to be treated then do us all a favor and stay in your homes and be single. Get a cat.... no don't get a cat, they don't deserve the cruelty. Just stay by yourselves. If my Son or brother or guy friend was with a toxic pos like these girls I'd beat their asses myself.
*pulls out knife* *cuts up some veggies* *tosses a salad* *gives it to everybody here along with a hug* *turns around and stabs the offenders with said knife*
Toxic masculinity, the unhealthy view of what a “man” issupposed to be, is just wrecking so many things. All the men that felt hurt, when opening up to someone else, and then did not feel met, rather rejected, and then gomon to never do that again? - people are very different, you did it to the wrong people, do it again and again - in small bits. Relationships grow so much deeper and stronger, friend and partners alike, when being true . We cannot be sure, that others can carry us and solve our problems, but just having someone aknowledge your emotions, helps being able to grow. So you too get better at supporting others and thus bonding, the most important feeling, we need that as a social species. I have several male friends that are for life, exactly by bonding for real.
Not everybody can't bear the weight of some stories. Freinds, family, partners usuallyy cannot and should not be a therapist replacement. But the sheer amount of toxic reactions in this thread is just upsetting. I said it a million times and will ay it a million times more: Feminism is there to liberate both, women and men.
yep, a lot of this rings true with me, too. Also the number of women who were instantly turned off by me telling them that i'm bi, even though i haven't had a boyfriend in years and years, but i am still occasionally attracted to guys... there's a reason guys don't open up. Still hopeful that the younger folks are better at this.
These are ridiculous!!! No one, NO ONE, should be treated like this. It would hurt so bad. How can people be so heartless????
It is absolutely harder for men to share their feelings. However, there are lots of loving and understanding people. You can choose to think no woman will listen to your feelings or your friends will judge you, but it really means finding the right people to surround yourself with. That's the tricky bit.
A guard is there to be your guard. That's why we have it. Don't let your guard down anytime. If you need someone, just cry in Jesus or whomever god you believe in. If you have a bestfriend, good for you. I have two besties and trust me, both of them doesnt have the same level of knowledge about my secrets and behaviors. One knows about how naughty i am. One knows just how silly i am. I still have my secrets that i still dont share with the two. That is for your own sake. That is your weakness. That should be kept inside you. It should be just between you and God. Then you'll be safe. Don't let your guard down ever.
I don’t care what they pretend to tell you but if you’re a man & you expose your feelings to a woman they will think you’re weak & will seek somebody ‘stronger’. Don’t fall for any of the bullshit. Men have been hiding their feelings for thousands of years and women like it just fine that way.
That's too bad. You shouldn't be betrayed for discussing your feelings. I hope you find someone you can talk to - listening is one half of communication. My husband is not the strong silent type and I wouldn't trade him for one. I'm also very happy that my father talks about his feelings, now that my mother's gone.
Load More Replies... And the people tell men that we should be more open and i contact with ourselves. I once trusted a girlfriend with my feelings. She used it against me. I have never made that mistake again.
Sounds like meeting supportive women is really hard where you live. Where I live, men and women don't behave in very different ways. For example, I was sitting in a cafe when a man told me that his relationship broke up. He was sad, so I listened to him and commiserated. It didn't matter if someone's a man or woman or gay or straight - it doesn't change that we all feel sad at sad moments.
Load More Replies... This is why I just don’t talk about myself. No need to potentially make myself feel worse.
Contrary to what most people think, it's actually women who are the most dangerous to open up to. They've been raised to dump their emotional load on men and have someone to lean on at all times. Seeing this, boys are also led to believe that girls are incapable of handling anything and so, are much less likely to confide in them. This is why we see many men make decisions without consulting the women in their lives and many women incapable of making independent decisions. Society takes the whole notion of men and women completing one another too literally. Let go of the idea of "finding your other half" and learn to be a complete human being first!
I agree with working on oneself first before looking to another person to be whole. As for your portrayal of male-female relations, it sounds as if you live in a community where women are infantilized and encouraged to be dependent on men and the men are confrontation-averse. It's not healthy for the women (who can't seem to manage living on their own and don't get a say in decisions affecting them) or the men (who have to make all the decisions and then deal with unhappy partners). I live in Canada (European descent), so the sexes being that polarized and being such poor communicators sounds odd to me. Immature adults exist, of course, but I find it easy to meet happy couples that get along well.
Load More Replies... This is a problem for straight men who possess emotional intelligence. Alpha men will just kill themselves if they can't find an outlet but emotionally intelligent men realize they can overcome issues through unloading, discussion, and support; however most straight men tend to choose their partners for looks rather than emotional maturity so they dig their own graves. Very easy to when young and inexperienced with life.
For millenia, women have looked to their mates for protection and provision, while they are in the more vulnerable position of bearing children. Male toughness has been integral to human survival. This is reinforced instinctively, not culturally, at its core. Fortunately men have the ability to compartmentalize their emotions in order to deal with the crisis at hand and be reliable providers during work hours. Testosterostone minimizes communication between the right and left hemisphere of the brain, for this purpose. At the proper time and place, one has the privilege of pouring out his pain to our compassionate savior. I have found this more healing than any amount of counseling. The results are often miraculous.
"Toxic femininity" is just as prevalent as "toxic masculinity." TF is NOT a response to TM, it is a new form of oppression backed by society AND law.
Maybe we should just BE KIND and stop labeling it "toxic this" or "toxic that". A jerk is a jerk, regardless of gender.
Load More Replies...