People Are Applauding This Mom For Teaching Her Daughters That Virginity Doesn’t Exist
Interview With Author
Recently, TikTok mom-fluencer Nevada Shareef asked parents something that resonated with many. “Name something about the way you raised your kids that people think is weird but you think is healthy,” she announced in a clip, excited to hear different parenting styles.
And one mom named Cayce LaCorte saw it as a perfect moment to share her illuminating message. In a video that has been watched over 2.2 million times, Cayce debunked the virginity myth, explaining how she has raised her five daughters to believe there’s no such thing.
“It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose,” she stated. Cayce’s message immediately sparked a conversation among parents online, with many realizing the importance of what she has said.
So let’s see Cayce’s TikTok video right below and let us know whether you agree with the mom of 5 in the comment section.
Cayce LaCorte, the mom of 5 daughters, has recently gone viral for debunking the virginity myth in her TikTok video
Image credits: Cayce LaCorte
Cayce’s clip has been watched 2.2 million times already
@book_mama##stitch with @nevadashareef ##virginityisamyth ##madmoms ##fuckthepatriarchy♬ original sound – Your Mom
Initially, another TikToker, Nevada Shareef, asked people to share their parenting styles that may look odd to others but are in fact good for their kids
Image credits: book_mama
And Cayce replied with a strong statement
Image credits: book_mama
Bored Panda reached out to Cayce Lacorte, the incredible mom of five daughters who range in age from 7 to 16. The way she debunked the virginity myth in a viral TikTok clip resonated with many people and Cayce said she received so many comments from both women and men saying that they had “’never thought about it’ and how as soon as I brought it up, they whole-heartedly agreed.”
“It’s such an ingrained part of our society that most people don’t even register it anymore but the minute you bring it up, they’re like, ‘Yeah, that’s bullshit,'” Cayce told us.
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
The mom and social media influencer better known by her username @book_mama on TikTok said that “There is still so much pressure placed on young men and women surrounding virginity that if we remove that thinking, it opens up a whole other avenue of thought and healthy conversation.”
When asked whether she received negative reaction for her parenting style, Cayce said that fortunately, the majority of the comments are “supportive and amazing.” However, “there are a handful of people who think I’m going to wreak havoc on their way of life, and to be honest I think a little havoc could be good for them.”
Cayce explained that these are primarily very religious people who think she’s “going against the Bible” or that she is “attacking their parenting style.”
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
For all the parents out there who struggle to touch sensitive topics with their kids, Cayce suggested to tell your kids that you’re uncomfortable because “brutal honesty works wonders.”
“It could be something as simple as, ‘I’m not super comfortable talking about this, but those are my issues, not yours. I want you to know you can come to me so just be patient and we’ll get through this together.’”
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
The woman also believes that there’s no crime in admitting your faults to your kids. “It actually can help them see you as a pestrson, not just a parent, and trust you more. I tell my girls that I’m sorry all the time. If I lose my temper, I’m fir to stop and admit I’m stressed about something else, it’s not fair to take it out on them, I’m sorry, and I’ll try and do better next time.”
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
Cayce believes that “the sooner we stop trying to prove to our kids that we’re perfect, the sooner they’ll accept and love their own flaws.”
Cayce also said that she gets criticism for her views
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
In her piece “Going Viral” written shortly after Cayce’s TikTok was all over the news lately, she described the experience as “a scary thing.”
She told Bored Panda that as a fiction writer, she has always dreamed of her “big break.” “In all of those fantasy scenarios, I get an agent, a publishing deal, and have plenty of time to market and promote my book, then eventually (hopefully) success.”
Image credits: book_mama
Her strong message sparked questions, but Cayce was happy to elaborate on it further in another video
@book_mamaReply to @awildfemale I hope this helps in trying to explain these tough topics to you kids. #virginityisamyth♬ original sound – Your Mom
Image credits: book_mama
But, “this recognition came out of nowhere. While I appreciate all the love and support I’ve gotten, it just snuck up on me. I have a hard time accepting a compliment, much less the raging validation that’s happening right now.”
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
At this point, Cayce said that she’s afraid she likes it too much. “I’ll get a big head and full of myself; if I don’t accept the attention and opportunities it brings, I’ll be missing out on something wonderful.”
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
“We all have our own hang-ups, and I guess mine is loving the support/validation but being terrified I’m not good enough to deserve it,” Cayce, who’s also a smashing writer and is currently working on her parenting book, concluded.
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
Image credits: book_mama
Cayce also makes sure her kids get technical names for the parts of their bodies, and that they understand it’s “OK to cause a scene if they feel threatened or even just scared.”
Another person asked how to discuss “whether it’s the right time” with your kids and this is what Cayce had to say about it
@book_mamaReply to @meghancarlisle7 I hope this answers your ?? I’m totally not a professional it’s just one ladies opinion.♬ original sound – Your Mom
Image credits: Cayce LaCorte
Many people praised Cayce for opening such an important conversation
The whole idea of virginity is to allow men to control the paternity of a womans children, by controlling access to her body. In this very dated view of the world, a woman is property, first of her father, and then of the husband to whom she is given by her father (who gives this woman in marriage?). Pre paternity tests and pregnacy tests, if a woman is not a virgin (or might not be a virgin) she is 'ruined' for marriage. Because she is not a person, she is only the means to get children, and the husband now has no proof that she is not already pregnant. A man who insists on the value of 'purity' or 'virginity' is seeing the woman as property, not as a person.
“Who gives this woman in marriage” is the worst phrase. One of my GFs was walked down the aisle by both of her parents and her father answered, “her mother and I do” like it’s somehow better to be owned by both your parents and not just your dad. My husband and I walked down the aisle together because neither of us was a possession to be given away and we entered into partnership together.
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Good on her, I always thought virginity was ridiculous, I wish more people would hold this thought too, virginity, I think for both sexes, male and female , is just in place to hold you back and make you feel bad about a perfectly normal and natural thing everyone does at some point
yeah. guys are shamed for being virgins, girls are shamed for not being virgins. who cares! it changes nothing!
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In a patriarchy, assets are passed down the male blood line, therefore it’s imperative men know that their sons are theirs, so the risk of women having sex before or outside marriage had to be prevented via all kinds of social engineering ranging from child marriage, reduced liberty, chaperones, covering, social stigma, state-sanctioned corporal punishments, public shaming, disfigurements, FGM, shunning and destitution and capital punishments ranging from honour killing, drowning to live burial and stoning. When you call a woman a sl*t, sl*g, hussy, wh*re, b*tch, or indulge in victim blaming, you’re part of a chain going back tens of thousands of years.
A s**t is just a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 😉
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MEN IN THIS COMMENT THREAD PLEASE LISTEN: we are not talking about you specifically. you may not do these things. a lot of people may not do these things, but there are still a lot of people who have this mindset and still treat women this way. by getting all offended, you are making fools out of yourselves, sorry to be abrasive, but it's true. You may not do these things- cool, thank you for not having this mindset, women everywhere appreciate it- but getting mad at someone in the comments because you've "never done this" and "think it's ridiculous" makes you seem like an asshole, and fun fact, just because you don't do this doesn't mean it doesn't exsist. thank you for listening to my ted talk.
Wonderfull! American concepts like purity rings and pledges totally creep me out.
That's putting value on a girl's sex life. As with the wise mother, better to give them (and boys, too) some options and discuss how to handle different situations. I have a lovely memory of a gym class where one of 3 not-ready-for-sex girls asked the sexually active 4th girl: "Do you like sex with a guy?" and she answered, "Well yes, as long as he gets it in the right hole!" Very fun answer and no judgment in either direction.
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Brava to this mom! I don't understand how people think teaching prudery is somehow more healthy. Creating mental barriers around something so fundamentally human is crazy! I know that it comes from patriarchal religions and cultures as a means of social control... but lets evolve our thinking already!
Virginity is also code for innocence/ignorance. Guess what? Being ignorant (through lack of experience/education) just makes you exploitable, education and awareness limits that. Devaluing virginity means that women are valued for themselves instead of how they can be used.
I didn't understand until she explained. But now it seems so obvious I can't understand why I didn't realise this on my own. Yes, there is education on the mechanics of how humans work biologically and yes there is education on the social aspects of relationships too. But the word is meaningless, it is ONLY used to describe women (in certain societies) to make them somehow have higher worth that others and, allegedly, more desirable. This is to control the others and refuse to allow THEM to control THEIR bodies. This is a brilliant concept, thank you for sharing!!
I wish I could upvote this article more. Cayce is absolutely right. Consent and body autonomy are vital lessons and virginity is definitely an outmoded concept.
Too right Iggy. These are fundamental things that should be obvious. Clearly not though - alot of angry men in this comment section getting very upset and feeling attacked because of the idea of girls enjoying the rights that they take for granted.
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I think this is magnificent. You know this woman did not raise princesses. And that's a good thing. Women need to make their own decisions and solve their own problems, and this goes part and parcel with that.
Virginity only exists to the people who believe in such a stupid social concept. I also like to point out the stupid double-standards when it comes to sexes. For men, if he's a virgin, he's not a man and should feel bad about himself; however, if he loses his virginity, then he's a man and should celebrate. Now, for women, if she's a virgin, then it's important to her remain that way till marriage. But if she loses her virginity, then she's a s**t or a whore, and it considered as impure. It's all a dumb concept.
I feel like this is, again, an American thing. America is so big on violence = fine, sex = bad and virginity is such a big deal (but only for women, men don't have to be virgins ever). Here in NL virginity isn't a big deal. The only thing we hear about here, is that your first time should be special, too, and not just a one night stand because you feel you need to have had sex.
Nope. I don't know about America, but, please, stop assuming everything that doesn't apply to your country's culture "must be an American thing". I grew up in Mediterranean Europe and moved to East Asia as soon as I became an adult, and, let me tell you - although viewed slightly differently, the purity/virginity thing is pretty much a big deal in many countries of the world. Sure, in some cultures they will venerate it, in others they will ridicule it, but it's not like it's not a big deal. It's just that nowadays it's no longer a measure of a woman's worth (thankfully so), it's more a thing related to the first time and, sadly, the way some kinds of people perceive the act of sex as power and personal superiority.
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I “lost my virginity” in a very unceremonious way and it only bothered me that everyone made such a big deal out of it and acted so shocked that I didn’t love the guy and wasn’t even dating him beyond just being high school pals. My parents never told me I was a virgin and I guess I just never bought into the “My Very First Time” bit. It’s actually kind of creepy and pathetic honestly. Just have sex when you are responsible enough to not get sick from it. All of my friends (girls) were shocked and judgmental, and gossiped but they also missed out on everything while I had such a fun young adulthood. Almost all of them got knocked up or heartbroken over sex and I never ever attached all of that to it. A woman’s attitude to sex doesn’t need to be any different from a man’s (stereotypically). It’s super corny and weird and of course all tainted with religion - the way people are about “virginity.” The word itself just sounds like a perv word. Gag.
virginity is a bit like patriarchy, it doesn't exist but it's used a lot by people to try to control other peoples behavior
A lot of religion and patriarchy are interlinked. Still about control no matter what the origin.
Load More Replies... "It's all about consent". I love this woman. She's nailed it. In our state, they added sex ed to the school curriculum. It's age-appropriate and parents can opt their kids out if they want. You would not believe the blow-back. People are outraged. Perish the thought that we might give our kids facts to work with and not the crazy crap they read online!!
Parents opting their children out always makes me wonder at their naivety - do they really think their child's friends aren't going to share what they learn? Playground chatter can be quite dangerous if someone has misunderstood as well. Let them learn the facts of life in a safe environment. Ignorance can leave a child so vulnerable.
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I'm raising my son to be a wizard. Every year his virginity powers will grow, and when he's 30 he will do magic.
So true and I'm so thankful that I never had a father tell me to not have sex, I was told I only had one body and sex is a big deal and there are consequences to not taking care of yourself and doing it safely physically and emotionally. I watched all my peers father tell then to just wait for marriage and they had sex way before I did, of course they did, they were raised to think a man can dictate what you do with your body and they did just that, just listened to a different man who claimed to love them.
Many ancient cultures didn’t even have a word for virginity. Some modern ones still don’t
I’m all for people doing whatever the f**k they want. This is an interesting concept, one that I can’t say I’ve heard before. But I’m a virgin, and I plan to remain that way for a while yet. Yeah, I’m a horny teenager, but I think it’s an exercise in self control.
I didn't see it as anything that should make a person change their mind about what they want to do. Hold on to your values and do what fits you best. I do see where she is coming from about virginity as a concept, a social construct.
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One of the biggest problems I have with the concept of virginity as it relates to women (besides everything that's already been mentioned here) is that it leaves divorced/widowed women feeling like damaged goods. And many men agree and it doesn't matter if her ex was the biggest bastard in the world, now she's damaged, and good luck finding love again.
I honestly do not get how the concept of virginity has anything to do with the patriarchy? Last time I checked, being a virgin or not applies to both men and women... The fact that in some cultures non-married, non-virgin women are frowned upon, yes that is an example op patriarchy, not the term virgin by itself. I 100% agree with you that we should teach kids that no longer being a virgin does not change who they are. The reason for this is simple because the term virgin is/should indeed not be used as a badge of honor/value. It is simple the word we use to describe someone who has not had sex yet. Denying the existence of the concept virginity because a person's value does not change when transitioning from a virgin to no-longer-virgin is not a valid argument. There are 100's of these categorizing terms that we use that do not infer value, but simple hold information about that person's status: single-married-divorced, baby-toddler-child-teenager-adult, healthy-sick-cured, ....
This evil mom needs to have her kids taken away and she needs to be jailed for life.
yep. i think what she's getting at is girls (in general) are shamed for losing their virginity, while boys (in general) are praised for it, or shamed for NOT losing their virginity. it's a social construct, it means nothing.
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I never thought about it this way, I like her statement. Virginity is not really that awesome. I was a virgin when I was married and so was my husband. None of us had fun that first time, we were stressed out and I felt pressure to have sex, even though I was too tired to actually bother. It hurt a lot. Even though I am into having sex within marriage only, I don't think my past should matter, like my intimacy. What matters is loyalty, taking care of the partner's needs, respect and empathy. We should talk more about what defines us as people and that we should concentrate on being together every day. Not titles, not tradition, not pressure.
Boyfriend is happy to have lost his virginity. Like, it seems to be a big deal for him, but of course, it does not change anything in itself. More an effect of something than a cause!
He is pleased because he wanted to have sex and now has. Nothing has changed in reality beyond an experienced gained and an anticipation that this is now an ongoing delight. There isn't a change in any other real way. He is still who he was and will be.
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Virginity is a concept? So a hymen being intact is a falsehood? That’s what virginity is, not having sex. It’s a fact.
Some girls dont have hymens at all. Some hymens tear without sex because of rigorous physical activity. So yes dear. Virginity is a foolish concept. Not a fact. Having a hymen is fact for some girls, but itbis simply as similar to having hair or earlobes or nostrils, its got nothing to do with purity of girls aka virgins.
Load More Replies... These days a boy is far more likely to be mocked for being a virgin than a girl is to be mocked for not being a virgin. People judge boys based on whether they've had sex or not. If a girl has had sex once it isn't a big deal. But if a boy hasn't had sex at all, people consider that a big deal.
My son told me he is going to remain a virgin until his wedding night- it will be the best wedding gift he can give to his bride- I applaud his values, and await the time he finds the right one for him.
It is his decision. but I feel like there is already too much pressure on the bride (and the groom) on their wedding day and they are tired at the end. In a non religious society you will hear that actually no one has sex on their wedding night as they are too tired and it is true for everyone I know at least based on what they told me. It is good he wants to save it for the love of his life but if I could give an advice I would say do not pressure it to the wedding night. It can be some other day when they are both ready and in the mood (before or after the wedding)
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if i had a daughter i would have done the same thing but i had a son. and, yes, you begin young with words and actions. fortunately, i had a husband who treated me with respect & allowed me to be autonomous. while i don't agree w/freud one thing he did state was that we do our children a great disservice not teaching them the power of sex. my son grew up to respect women and treate them well. the only thing that i don't like about the result is that he finds it hard when women don't respect themselves based on their actions (one night stands, being what he considers 'slutty' in public). i don't like his judgments & have told him as much. but, having taught him not to treat women like a 'dirty towel' to be used and discarded resulted in him being a good man in general. no one is perfect.
There is a word for men who believe grown women who are sexual don’t respect themselves or are letting themselves down. That word is not, good; It’s chauvenist, misogynist, unimaginative.
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I'm not sure I follow. The title said she's teaching that virginity does not exist. Of course, it exists. The definition of virginity is the state of never having had sexual intercourse. There is often a point when that changes. Just like when someone eats a food for the first time. Before that, they had never eaten that food. If you had been a vegan your whole life and then ate meat, you're no longer a vegan. If you were a virgin your whole life and then had sex, you're no longer a virgin. She doesn't have to care about it, but saying it doesn't exist is kinda silly.
But you can become a vegan again so that is a false equivalency. You can have not had sex, then have sex, those factors are neutral. The problem with the label of virginity is to do with the values that people ascribe to it. Usually women having sex is seen as negative and men positive. People find it hard to lose long held viewpoints but what else do we see as a loss the first time we do it? And at the same time give it different values based on the person's sex? No one is fundamentally altered by choosing to have sex. They are still the same person and yet now society has an opinion about their morals based on that one act. We should be encouraging people to always value themselves whether it is the first time or the 10th. Acting as though the first time is the most important discourages that to our detriment.
Load More Replies... Aren't those two different things, virginity and concept of virginity? Because virginity exists, it just isn't important.
Yes, I think this is just a form of sensationalism to call it a myth. The conversation would be better focused on not placing so much value on virginity.
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She is talking to her children about their future sex lives because she wants them to be able to make sensible safe choices. That has nothing to do with paedophilia. There is no medical term of 'virginity' which is why it is a social construct.
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Focusing on the female aspects of virginity makes sense to me considering her 5 kids are all female. Issues surrounding virginity differ between men and women. Many here have pointed out female virginity is judged different than male virginity. Male virginity as a concept has its own set of issues and connotations. Maybe she is simply speaking about what she knows. At no point does she claim knowledge of the virgin label from every perspective. I imagine she can speak to its effect on women from personal experience.
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"simply a state of not having experienced ______". Yeah, just like any other thing, except what's apparently important is that it's the "FIRST time". In other words, basically meaningless. If you think people are getting so worked up over it, just listen to the abstinent teens talk about how its THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. Apparently when more people believed this way women used to commit suicide if their first time was non consensual, because they knew they would be stigmatized. When did men ever do that? In the past choir boys were castrated so their voices wouldn't change but that's not practiced anymore, thank goodness. The value placed on virginity traces back to guaranteeing paternity. We don't need to do that anymore, yet the attitude remains. And that's why people here are still "so worked up".
Load More Replies... If you don't have sex for 1 week you're a virgin again. There. Problem solved.
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Just say you hate women and go jerk some dîcks. Nobody normal agrees with what you’re saying.
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It sounds as if you haven't understood the point she is making. She is for safe sex, she is for keeping sex special. She is merely pointing out that virginity has some awful connotations, particularly for women. Women get negative values for having sex and men positive. To deny that would be to deny what really goes on. There is nothing abusive in her comments, she is not saying men are objectively bad. You have to teach children to protect themselves against the worst behaviour in others. Virginity is conceptual, it is a social construction. When we have sex for the first time we do not actually lose anything. It does not change our identity, it is not life-altering and it does not affect our worth. It praises those who remain “pure,” and shames those who choose to have sex before marriage.
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She hasn't told them to go and have sex. She has explained how virginity is a social constructs work and why. She wants them to be safe and make good choices. She wants them to see sex as a big deal every single time. Not just the first time and once virginity has gone they are no longer of value, if you think that means they will have no morals and be at it constantly you have failed significantly to understand her point.
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If you make it about the hymen how can men be virgins? See what nonsense that point is? Although the hymen was long ago deemed a marker of virginity, modern medicine shows that it proves next to nothing. Some women aren't born with hymens at all. Other women have hymens that remain thick even after having sex as adults. Some 'break' riding a bike. They are not a seal. There is no medical term of 'virginity'.
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Then go elsewhere. No one is forcing you to read a single thing.
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No-one is teaching their girl children that it's okay for them to touch men without consent. You get people who have poor boundaries but that isn't a girl/boy thing, that's a personality thing.
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Conservatives are anti science. Why pretend to believe in science now when you people practically kill yourselves to avoid teaching science?
Load More Replies... Your first time should be with whoever you want it to be. If a person wants "a random dude" they should be free to find a random dude.
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Myth: The hymen is a seal across a woman’s vagina. Reality: Every woman's hymen is different. The hymen is a membranous tissue found near the entrance of the vagina, but it does not usually completely cover it like a seal. Most women have hymen tissue that surrounds the entrance of the vagina, forming roughly a doughnut or crescent shape. Scientists aren’t exactly sure what biological role the hymen plays, but one theory is that the hymen helped protect baby girls from bacteria. Its presence or absence does not indicate whether a person has had intercourse. Virginity is not a medical term.
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You do know she isn't advocating promiscuity or did the message go over your head? She is saying sex is a big deal but that virginity as a concept isn't. That doesn't mean don't use protection. It doesn't mean don't use judgement about who you have sex with. I do wonder at how easily some people miss the point.
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Some women aren't born with hymens at all. Other women have hymens that remain thick even after having sex as adults. Some 'break' riding a bike. They are not a seal. Virginity is not a medical term. Knowing some basic biology might help you. The other concept, which is not political but societal, seems beyond your grasp.
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Sex toys will not discourage them from wanting to have sex. Especially if they are young with raging hormones. Sex toys don't take away the desire for human contact. Being "horny" isn't just about climax, it's about everything that comes with sex; touching, rubbing, kissing etc etc. Get them sex toys, sure, but it won't keep them away from eachother.
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There are all sorts of other ridiculous things humans did in ancient times that we grew out of. Bloodletting, trepanation... anything "ancient" to do with understanding our bodies and how they work is likely wrong.
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if you're writing something like that then you're probably alone and miserable. maybe read up on cats yourself. :)
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No, it doesn't. You have your first time and you are still the same person. You are not changed in anyway. It is a rite of passage but nothing more. You are struggling to see beyond the idea because you see it as a state of being. Before/after. Social construct because we attach values to this. Made up values. No different to doing anything for the first time - the person now has a bit more information and experience in doing something with one person. That's all.
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Apart from being nasty to women who like sex, what other hobbies do you have?
Load More Replies... There are laws that govern everything you mentioned, at least where I live. There’s no societal stigma surrounding driving or legal contracts or alcohol consumption that extend into adulthood, so why should virginity?
Load More Replies... We are talking about children understanding consent and making sensible choices when old enough to do so.
Load More Replies... The whole idea of virginity is to allow men to control the paternity of a womans children, by controlling access to her body. In this very dated view of the world, a woman is property, first of her father, and then of the husband to whom she is given by her father (who gives this woman in marriage?). Pre paternity tests and pregnacy tests, if a woman is not a virgin (or might not be a virgin) she is 'ruined' for marriage. Because she is not a person, she is only the means to get children, and the husband now has no proof that she is not already pregnant. A man who insists on the value of 'purity' or 'virginity' is seeing the woman as property, not as a person.
“Who gives this woman in marriage” is the worst phrase. One of my GFs was walked down the aisle by both of her parents and her father answered, “her mother and I do” like it’s somehow better to be owned by both your parents and not just your dad. My husband and I walked down the aisle together because neither of us was a possession to be given away and we entered into partnership together.
Load More Replies... Good on her, I always thought virginity was ridiculous, I wish more people would hold this thought too, virginity, I think for both sexes, male and female , is just in place to hold you back and make you feel bad about a perfectly normal and natural thing everyone does at some point
yeah. guys are shamed for being virgins, girls are shamed for not being virgins. who cares! it changes nothing!
Load More Replies... In a patriarchy, assets are passed down the male blood line, therefore it’s imperative men know that their sons are theirs, so the risk of women having sex before or outside marriage had to be prevented via all kinds of social engineering ranging from child marriage, reduced liberty, chaperones, covering, social stigma, state-sanctioned corporal punishments, public shaming, disfigurements, FGM, shunning and destitution and capital punishments ranging from honour killing, drowning to live burial and stoning. When you call a woman a sl*t, sl*g, hussy, wh*re, b*tch, or indulge in victim blaming, you’re part of a chain going back tens of thousands of years.
A s**t is just a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 😉
Load More Replies... MEN IN THIS COMMENT THREAD PLEASE LISTEN: we are not talking about you specifically. you may not do these things. a lot of people may not do these things, but there are still a lot of people who have this mindset and still treat women this way. by getting all offended, you are making fools out of yourselves, sorry to be abrasive, but it's true. You may not do these things- cool, thank you for not having this mindset, women everywhere appreciate it- but getting mad at someone in the comments because you've "never done this" and "think it's ridiculous" makes you seem like an asshole, and fun fact, just because you don't do this doesn't mean it doesn't exsist. thank you for listening to my ted talk.
Wonderfull! American concepts like purity rings and pledges totally creep me out.
That's putting value on a girl's sex life. As with the wise mother, better to give them (and boys, too) some options and discuss how to handle different situations. I have a lovely memory of a gym class where one of 3 not-ready-for-sex girls asked the sexually active 4th girl: "Do you like sex with a guy?" and she answered, "Well yes, as long as he gets it in the right hole!" Very fun answer and no judgment in either direction.
Load More Replies... Brava to this mom! I don't understand how people think teaching prudery is somehow more healthy. Creating mental barriers around something so fundamentally human is crazy! I know that it comes from patriarchal religions and cultures as a means of social control... but lets evolve our thinking already!
Virginity is also code for innocence/ignorance. Guess what? Being ignorant (through lack of experience/education) just makes you exploitable, education and awareness limits that. Devaluing virginity means that women are valued for themselves instead of how they can be used.
I didn't understand until she explained. But now it seems so obvious I can't understand why I didn't realise this on my own. Yes, there is education on the mechanics of how humans work biologically and yes there is education on the social aspects of relationships too. But the word is meaningless, it is ONLY used to describe women (in certain societies) to make them somehow have higher worth that others and, allegedly, more desirable. This is to control the others and refuse to allow THEM to control THEIR bodies. This is a brilliant concept, thank you for sharing!!
I wish I could upvote this article more. Cayce is absolutely right. Consent and body autonomy are vital lessons and virginity is definitely an outmoded concept.
Too right Iggy. These are fundamental things that should be obvious. Clearly not though - alot of angry men in this comment section getting very upset and feeling attacked because of the idea of girls enjoying the rights that they take for granted.
Load More Replies... I think this is magnificent. You know this woman did not raise princesses. And that's a good thing. Women need to make their own decisions and solve their own problems, and this goes part and parcel with that.
Virginity only exists to the people who believe in such a stupid social concept. I also like to point out the stupid double-standards when it comes to sexes. For men, if he's a virgin, he's not a man and should feel bad about himself; however, if he loses his virginity, then he's a man and should celebrate. Now, for women, if she's a virgin, then it's important to her remain that way till marriage. But if she loses her virginity, then she's a s**t or a whore, and it considered as impure. It's all a dumb concept.
I feel like this is, again, an American thing. America is so big on violence = fine, sex = bad and virginity is such a big deal (but only for women, men don't have to be virgins ever). Here in NL virginity isn't a big deal. The only thing we hear about here, is that your first time should be special, too, and not just a one night stand because you feel you need to have had sex.
Nope. I don't know about America, but, please, stop assuming everything that doesn't apply to your country's culture "must be an American thing". I grew up in Mediterranean Europe and moved to East Asia as soon as I became an adult, and, let me tell you - although viewed slightly differently, the purity/virginity thing is pretty much a big deal in many countries of the world. Sure, in some cultures they will venerate it, in others they will ridicule it, but it's not like it's not a big deal. It's just that nowadays it's no longer a measure of a woman's worth (thankfully so), it's more a thing related to the first time and, sadly, the way some kinds of people perceive the act of sex as power and personal superiority.
Load More Replies... I “lost my virginity” in a very unceremonious way and it only bothered me that everyone made such a big deal out of it and acted so shocked that I didn’t love the guy and wasn’t even dating him beyond just being high school pals. My parents never told me I was a virgin and I guess I just never bought into the “My Very First Time” bit. It’s actually kind of creepy and pathetic honestly. Just have sex when you are responsible enough to not get sick from it. All of my friends (girls) were shocked and judgmental, and gossiped but they also missed out on everything while I had such a fun young adulthood. Almost all of them got knocked up or heartbroken over sex and I never ever attached all of that to it. A woman’s attitude to sex doesn’t need to be any different from a man’s (stereotypically). It’s super corny and weird and of course all tainted with religion - the way people are about “virginity.” The word itself just sounds like a perv word. Gag.
virginity is a bit like patriarchy, it doesn't exist but it's used a lot by people to try to control other peoples behavior
A lot of religion and patriarchy are interlinked. Still about control no matter what the origin.
Load More Replies... "It's all about consent". I love this woman. She's nailed it. In our state, they added sex ed to the school curriculum. It's age-appropriate and parents can opt their kids out if they want. You would not believe the blow-back. People are outraged. Perish the thought that we might give our kids facts to work with and not the crazy crap they read online!!
Parents opting their children out always makes me wonder at their naivety - do they really think their child's friends aren't going to share what they learn? Playground chatter can be quite dangerous if someone has misunderstood as well. Let them learn the facts of life in a safe environment. Ignorance can leave a child so vulnerable.
Load More Replies... I'm raising my son to be a wizard. Every year his virginity powers will grow, and when he's 30 he will do magic.
So true and I'm so thankful that I never had a father tell me to not have sex, I was told I only had one body and sex is a big deal and there are consequences to not taking care of yourself and doing it safely physically and emotionally. I watched all my peers father tell then to just wait for marriage and they had sex way before I did, of course they did, they were raised to think a man can dictate what you do with your body and they did just that, just listened to a different man who claimed to love them.
Many ancient cultures didn’t even have a word for virginity. Some modern ones still don’t
I’m all for people doing whatever the f**k they want. This is an interesting concept, one that I can’t say I’ve heard before. But I’m a virgin, and I plan to remain that way for a while yet. Yeah, I’m a horny teenager, but I think it’s an exercise in self control.
I didn't see it as anything that should make a person change their mind about what they want to do. Hold on to your values and do what fits you best. I do see where she is coming from about virginity as a concept, a social construct.
Load More Replies... One of the biggest problems I have with the concept of virginity as it relates to women (besides everything that's already been mentioned here) is that it leaves divorced/widowed women feeling like damaged goods. And many men agree and it doesn't matter if her ex was the biggest bastard in the world, now she's damaged, and good luck finding love again.
I honestly do not get how the concept of virginity has anything to do with the patriarchy? Last time I checked, being a virgin or not applies to both men and women... The fact that in some cultures non-married, non-virgin women are frowned upon, yes that is an example op patriarchy, not the term virgin by itself. I 100% agree with you that we should teach kids that no longer being a virgin does not change who they are. The reason for this is simple because the term virgin is/should indeed not be used as a badge of honor/value. It is simple the word we use to describe someone who has not had sex yet. Denying the existence of the concept virginity because a person's value does not change when transitioning from a virgin to no-longer-virgin is not a valid argument. There are 100's of these categorizing terms that we use that do not infer value, but simple hold information about that person's status: single-married-divorced, baby-toddler-child-teenager-adult, healthy-sick-cured, ....
This evil mom needs to have her kids taken away and she needs to be jailed for life.
yep. i think what she's getting at is girls (in general) are shamed for losing their virginity, while boys (in general) are praised for it, or shamed for NOT losing their virginity. it's a social construct, it means nothing.
Load More Replies... I never thought about it this way, I like her statement. Virginity is not really that awesome. I was a virgin when I was married and so was my husband. None of us had fun that first time, we were stressed out and I felt pressure to have sex, even though I was too tired to actually bother. It hurt a lot. Even though I am into having sex within marriage only, I don't think my past should matter, like my intimacy. What matters is loyalty, taking care of the partner's needs, respect and empathy. We should talk more about what defines us as people and that we should concentrate on being together every day. Not titles, not tradition, not pressure.
Boyfriend is happy to have lost his virginity. Like, it seems to be a big deal for him, but of course, it does not change anything in itself. More an effect of something than a cause!
He is pleased because he wanted to have sex and now has. Nothing has changed in reality beyond an experienced gained and an anticipation that this is now an ongoing delight. There isn't a change in any other real way. He is still who he was and will be.
Load More Replies... Virginity is a concept? So a hymen being intact is a falsehood? That’s what virginity is, not having sex. It’s a fact.
Some girls dont have hymens at all. Some hymens tear without sex because of rigorous physical activity. So yes dear. Virginity is a foolish concept. Not a fact. Having a hymen is fact for some girls, but itbis simply as similar to having hair or earlobes or nostrils, its got nothing to do with purity of girls aka virgins.
Load More Replies... These days a boy is far more likely to be mocked for being a virgin than a girl is to be mocked for not being a virgin. People judge boys based on whether they've had sex or not. If a girl has had sex once it isn't a big deal. But if a boy hasn't had sex at all, people consider that a big deal.
My son told me he is going to remain a virgin until his wedding night- it will be the best wedding gift he can give to his bride- I applaud his values, and await the time he finds the right one for him.
It is his decision. but I feel like there is already too much pressure on the bride (and the groom) on their wedding day and they are tired at the end. In a non religious society you will hear that actually no one has sex on their wedding night as they are too tired and it is true for everyone I know at least based on what they told me. It is good he wants to save it for the love of his life but if I could give an advice I would say do not pressure it to the wedding night. It can be some other day when they are both ready and in the mood (before or after the wedding)
Load More Replies... if i had a daughter i would have done the same thing but i had a son. and, yes, you begin young with words and actions. fortunately, i had a husband who treated me with respect & allowed me to be autonomous. while i don't agree w/freud one thing he did state was that we do our children a great disservice not teaching them the power of sex. my son grew up to respect women and treate them well. the only thing that i don't like about the result is that he finds it hard when women don't respect themselves based on their actions (one night stands, being what he considers 'slutty' in public). i don't like his judgments & have told him as much. but, having taught him not to treat women like a 'dirty towel' to be used and discarded resulted in him being a good man in general. no one is perfect.
There is a word for men who believe grown women who are sexual don’t respect themselves or are letting themselves down. That word is not, good; It’s chauvenist, misogynist, unimaginative.
Load More Replies... I'm not sure I follow. The title said she's teaching that virginity does not exist. Of course, it exists. The definition of virginity is the state of never having had sexual intercourse. There is often a point when that changes. Just like when someone eats a food for the first time. Before that, they had never eaten that food. If you had been a vegan your whole life and then ate meat, you're no longer a vegan. If you were a virgin your whole life and then had sex, you're no longer a virgin. She doesn't have to care about it, but saying it doesn't exist is kinda silly.
But you can become a vegan again so that is a false equivalency. You can have not had sex, then have sex, those factors are neutral. The problem with the label of virginity is to do with the values that people ascribe to it. Usually women having sex is seen as negative and men positive. People find it hard to lose long held viewpoints but what else do we see as a loss the first time we do it? And at the same time give it different values based on the person's sex? No one is fundamentally altered by choosing to have sex. They are still the same person and yet now society has an opinion about their morals based on that one act. We should be encouraging people to always value themselves whether it is the first time or the 10th. Acting as though the first time is the most important discourages that to our detriment.
Load More Replies... Aren't those two different things, virginity and concept of virginity? Because virginity exists, it just isn't important.
Yes, I think this is just a form of sensationalism to call it a myth. The conversation would be better focused on not placing so much value on virginity.
Load More Replies... She is talking to her children about their future sex lives because she wants them to be able to make sensible safe choices. That has nothing to do with paedophilia. There is no medical term of 'virginity' which is why it is a social construct.
Load More Replies... Focusing on the female aspects of virginity makes sense to me considering her 5 kids are all female. Issues surrounding virginity differ between men and women. Many here have pointed out female virginity is judged different than male virginity. Male virginity as a concept has its own set of issues and connotations. Maybe she is simply speaking about what she knows. At no point does she claim knowledge of the virgin label from every perspective. I imagine she can speak to its effect on women from personal experience.
Load More Replies... "simply a state of not having experienced ______". Yeah, just like any other thing, except what's apparently important is that it's the "FIRST time". In other words, basically meaningless. If you think people are getting so worked up over it, just listen to the abstinent teens talk about how its THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. Apparently when more people believed this way women used to commit suicide if their first time was non consensual, because they knew they would be stigmatized. When did men ever do that? In the past choir boys were castrated so their voices wouldn't change but that's not practiced anymore, thank goodness. The value placed on virginity traces back to guaranteeing paternity. We don't need to do that anymore, yet the attitude remains. And that's why people here are still "so worked up".
Load More Replies... If you don't have sex for 1 week you're a virgin again. There. Problem solved.
Load More Replies... Just say you hate women and go jerk some dîcks. Nobody normal agrees with what you’re saying.
Load More Replies... It sounds as if you haven't understood the point she is making. She is for safe sex, she is for keeping sex special. She is merely pointing out that virginity has some awful connotations, particularly for women. Women get negative values for having sex and men positive. To deny that would be to deny what really goes on. There is nothing abusive in her comments, she is not saying men are objectively bad. You have to teach children to protect themselves against the worst behaviour in others. Virginity is conceptual, it is a social construction. When we have sex for the first time we do not actually lose anything. It does not change our identity, it is not life-altering and it does not affect our worth. It praises those who remain “pure,” and shames those who choose to have sex before marriage.
Load More Replies... She hasn't told them to go and have sex. She has explained how virginity is a social constructs work and why. She wants them to be safe and make good choices. She wants them to see sex as a big deal every single time. Not just the first time and once virginity has gone they are no longer of value, if you think that means they will have no morals and be at it constantly you have failed significantly to understand her point.
Load More Replies... If you make it about the hymen how can men be virgins? See what nonsense that point is? Although the hymen was long ago deemed a marker of virginity, modern medicine shows that it proves next to nothing. Some women aren't born with hymens at all. Other women have hymens that remain thick even after having sex as adults. Some 'break' riding a bike. They are not a seal. There is no medical term of 'virginity'.
Load More Replies... Then go elsewhere. No one is forcing you to read a single thing.
Load More Replies... No-one is teaching their girl children that it's okay for them to touch men without consent. You get people who have poor boundaries but that isn't a girl/boy thing, that's a personality thing.
Load More Replies... Conservatives are anti science. Why pretend to believe in science now when you people practically kill yourselves to avoid teaching science?
Load More Replies... Your first time should be with whoever you want it to be. If a person wants "a random dude" they should be free to find a random dude.
Load More Replies... Myth: The hymen is a seal across a woman’s vagina. Reality: Every woman's hymen is different. The hymen is a membranous tissue found near the entrance of the vagina, but it does not usually completely cover it like a seal. Most women have hymen tissue that surrounds the entrance of the vagina, forming roughly a doughnut or crescent shape. Scientists aren’t exactly sure what biological role the hymen plays, but one theory is that the hymen helped protect baby girls from bacteria. Its presence or absence does not indicate whether a person has had intercourse. Virginity is not a medical term.
Load More Replies... You do know she isn't advocating promiscuity or did the message go over your head? She is saying sex is a big deal but that virginity as a concept isn't. That doesn't mean don't use protection. It doesn't mean don't use judgement about who you have sex with. I do wonder at how easily some people miss the point.
Load More Replies... Some women aren't born with hymens at all. Other women have hymens that remain thick even after having sex as adults. Some 'break' riding a bike. They are not a seal. Virginity is not a medical term. Knowing some basic biology might help you. The other concept, which is not political but societal, seems beyond your grasp.
Load More Replies... Sex toys will not discourage them from wanting to have sex. Especially if they are young with raging hormones. Sex toys don't take away the desire for human contact. Being "horny" isn't just about climax, it's about everything that comes with sex; touching, rubbing, kissing etc etc. Get them sex toys, sure, but it won't keep them away from eachother.
Load More Replies... There are all sorts of other ridiculous things humans did in ancient times that we grew out of. Bloodletting, trepanation... anything "ancient" to do with understanding our bodies and how they work is likely wrong.
Load More Replies... if you're writing something like that then you're probably alone and miserable. maybe read up on cats yourself. :)
Load More Replies... No, it doesn't. You have your first time and you are still the same person. You are not changed in anyway. It is a rite of passage but nothing more. You are struggling to see beyond the idea because you see it as a state of being. Before/after. Social construct because we attach values to this. Made up values. No different to doing anything for the first time - the person now has a bit more information and experience in doing something with one person. That's all.
Load More Replies... Apart from being nasty to women who like sex, what other hobbies do you have?
Load More Replies... There are laws that govern everything you mentioned, at least where I live. There’s no societal stigma surrounding driving or legal contracts or alcohol consumption that extend into adulthood, so why should virginity?
Load More Replies... We are talking about children understanding consent and making sensible choices when old enough to do so.
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