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Woman’s Creepy Encounter With A Seemingly Nice Man Explains Why Women Appear ‘Cold’ Sometimes
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Woman’s Creepy Encounter With A Seemingly Nice Man Explains Why Women Appear ‘Cold’ Sometimes

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Women walk a tricky tightrope every day. They’re expected to be “nice” and “polite” and to defend themselves from creepy weirdos who want to take advantage of them. To prove that it’s perfectly OK to abandon the former if you have to achieve the latter, cam girl Lily Evans shared a chilling personal experience. It’s about a man she encountered while walking her dog and the things it led to because she didn’t tell him to fu*k off. Eventually, her rant went viral and even started an interesting discussion about unwanted attention.

More info: Twitter

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Whether unwanted attention is coming from a friend or a complete stranger, rejecting them is rarely easy. Recent research from Cornell University has some answers to why it sometimes feels impossible to get rid of persistent come-ons. To examine the experience of rejecting someone’s advances, Bohns and DeVincent focused on 942 participants in STEM; the fields of science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. There, sexual harassment is a documented problem. The study was designed in a way that allowed it to gather data about both being the target of an unwanted pursuit and being the pursuer.

The data they gathered point to five main reasons why it can be so challenging to reject undesired romantic advances.

1. Suitors are oblivious to the discomfort they’re creating. They often thought that their targets had more freedom to say no and were more comfortable than the targets reported. Targets “found it difficult,” “felt guilty,” “felt bad,” and “felt uncomfortable” saying no to a significantly greater extent than imagined by the suitors.

2. Suitors don’t think targets are as worried as they are. The professional consequences of rebuffing a colleague are often on the minds of targets who are trying to say no to unwanted romantic pursuits.

3. Suitors don’t realize targets are rearranging their daily lives to avoid them. The research suggests that targets are changing their behavior much more than suitors imagine. Targets are wasting energy avoiding not only the suitors but their friends as well. In some cases, it gets so uncomfortable that targets are even considering other places to work, just so they wouldn’t have to deal with these unwanted advances.

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4. Suitors do not see their attention as distracting. When targets are trying to say no without causing a stir, their work productivity drops. In other words, the harmless flirtation that a suitor thinks they are engaging in is actually negatively impacting the target’s everyday life far more than they could imagine.

5. Suitors aren’t aware of their target’s reputation concerns. Targets of unwanted advances in professional settings worry about what an unwanted suitor might say about them after a rejection way more than the suitors typically imagine.

Lily’s story started an interesting discussion

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indrepetkute_1 avatar
Ingrid
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I cannot recall a time when a stranger in a street approached me just to be polite or sociable etc, there was always a motive behind a small talk.. Normal men do not chat women up in streets. And yes, I been keeping severe migraine look on my face walking down the street for many years now exactly for the same reason - not to catch psychos attention - it helps.

sherry_straus_94 avatar
Fairsher
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes! I walk with a purpose and a non approachable vibe and it works most time.So many times a male will say smile never a woman always a man.Well sorry I don't walk with a smile on my face, it's a safety measure. I have had far too many lewd comments and have learned not to invite conversations with strangers. Sad but true.

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martatavares22 avatar
Martata
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh God, check the downvotes of the real stories about how creepy individuals approached them for no reason and get too personal and things get scary. The question is who's downvoting such a thing...

si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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zselyke_szekely avatar
Nomadus Aureus
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A similar thing happened to me years ago, except it got physical a lot quicker. A man walked up to me and my puppy and grabbed his lead in order to "help me walk it". Not a single passer-by has reacted in broad daylight in a major city centre, despite me saying very loudly that I wanted this man away from me repeatedly. "Lucky" me, a couple of male classmates passed by, but I literally had to beg them for help and the creep followed us for a good 800 metres before they realised that I'm not overreacting and chased him off.

hazelree avatar
Stille20
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In no way was she rude. Personally I wouldn't have answered any of the questions about where I lived. Once he followed her, that is crossing the line from possibly creepy to totally creepy. There is no way that is just a friendly interaction.

pam_falcioni avatar
2WheelTravlr
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree, she was too "nice" (totally understandable and not her fault the guy was a creeper). It's very tough to not answer direct questions in a social situation like that, most of us still have that "be nice" mantra embedded in our brain. I'm glad to see a lot of people here have canned responses to those kinds of questions that allow them to not give information and make the person aware that they are asking undesirable questions.

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amuletswimfabrics avatar
R.s. Potter
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If a stranger asks "Where do you live?", feel free to say "None of your business". Say it with a smile if you feel you have to soften it, but definitely don't feel you have to answer. If someone calls you a b***h, say "You say that like it's a *bad* thing."

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How about "Why would you need to know?" Why would they need to know?

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bnkessler avatar
Bri Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And yet still men comment that we owe them kindness. NO, we actually don't. We can ignore you and you just have to accept it. This is exactly the terrifying reality of being a woman. The worse part, I, and countless others have stories that are exactly like this. It's just not ok. Instead of making us feel uncomfortable, leave us be when you see that your interaction would come across weird. If we want to talk to you, we will. Otherwise, don't.

taryn_wallace_7 avatar
Taryn Wallace
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've had (on more than one occasion) a man tell me to"smile" or "you would look so pretty if you smiled more" or"why aren't you smiling?" And I always feel like I need to come up with am excuse to appease them. Can we'd just make it a rule that in public a head nod or not being s****y in general IS polite? I don't need to smile to be polite and you don't need to tell me to because maybe I don't feel like it.... where is the line between polite and demanding??

minnladyl avatar
iluvanimals
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Never had that happen to me, but if it does and a guy asks me to smile, I will ask him bark.

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mistyferguson2610 avatar
Misty Ferguson
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've found that by saying "I'm not going to tell you that" (or something similar) it makes the person realize that I have, and will enforce, my boundaries, this makes me a more difficult target in their eyes. If they ask you something that they know makes you uncomfortable, and you answer anyway, it tells them that you are less likely to put up a fight, verbal or physical. Sadly the whole interaction is a psychological vulnerability test. Saying 'I don't want to answer that ' is NOT rude, asking a personal question of a stranger IS rude.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ran into an ex-friend (female BTW) who kept asking me where I had moved to, an apartment or a house, what apartments, what car do you drive now, etc. She has a history of stalking people, me included. No way was I going to tell her any of that. She phone stalked me until I changed my number.

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brentdavis avatar
Brent Davis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That was not rude. As a man, that was creepy and if anyone was rude it was him. There may be times I'm not as sensitive to a woman's concerns as I should be, but I would never ask such a series of nosy personal questions to a stranger. It's just basic tact.

earloflincoln avatar
Martha Meyer
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The thing is, that guy was not just rude out of maybe thoughtlessness. He was looking for a victim.

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houseofmayhem avatar
Ginger Bellard
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We hired a new maintenance man at my job. After seeing him a couple of times, I introduced myself and asked his name, he told me...and then asked me what I liked to drink (we work for a beer distributor) if I lived alone, where I live. Maybe he could come to my apartment for some beers, he said. Maybe, but not likely, I said. I like my alone time. The next day, Friday, he asked if he could come over (Saturday) and bring some beer for us to drink. I said Oh, no I don't think so. The other day he asked me How's it going, babe? I started walking away, thinking oh I'll just ignore it. Then I remembered a Facebook platitude--People will do to you what you let them get away with. So, I turned around, walked back to him, and said, Did you just call me 'babe?' He immediately got defensive, saying he didn't mean anything by it, just trying to be friendly. I looked him straight in the eyes and said I don't like that, DON'T DO IT AGAIN. And immediately went to HR.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like he wanted to get you drunk. He didn't say "I'll bring over a pizza or a movie to watch."

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stonewoodoo avatar
Falcon
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To me it got weird already when he asked for her name. But I guess my first reaction as a guy would be "DOGGIE!" and a question if I could pet it... that's it. 🤔

daisy_chain_hair avatar
Josie Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Happened me once so I didn't go home I walked to the only place open a chipper. I kinda knew the guy working and I mouthed to him "he's following me" and gestures with my eyes in the mans direction. The chipper guy came over and said he's alright I know him. I bought a coke stayed for a while rang my dad and spoke Swedish to him. The chipper guy engaged him in conversation to get me out so I left and stayed on the phone the whole way home. I wasn't followed home. So go to a place where's there people don't go home. Go anywhere and tell someone. Ask them to keep him talking while you leave and then call someone tell them exactly where you are the route you're taking and leave your number with the place you've been so they can alert you if the person has left to find you.

mintyminameow avatar
Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This s**t happens to me every week pretty much. Getting followed to the car, pestered in 7-eleven, harassed at the mall, screamed at on the sidewalk, creeped on at the beach, grabbed in crowded spaces, questioned at the grocery store, on and on and on. And most definitely if they are just talking, I will look at them dead in the face and go “okay.” That’s my response now. It happened to me yesterday in 7-eleven. Some loser tried to make small talk about my purchases. No, no, no. I already know that tactic. He asked me if I needed anything else and I just said “okay.” By the time he tried to ask another question my transaction was done and I was walking to my car. As I drive off, he comes out and says “wowwwww ma!” The actual f**k. I don’t know if he liked my car or was just saying wow because I didn’t talk to him. Who cares. Ask me my name? “Okay.” Where am I going? “Okay.” Do I have a boyfriend? “Okay.” It throws them off and they can’t say it’s rude. Just confusing. I also carry pepper spray. 🤷🏻‍♀️

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I honestly think that some men believe that is just the way to meet women. But they have no business even knowing personal info. On the other hand, there are always the men who think of women as objects, and think that we are on this earth for their convenience and pleasure. I blame the media. Not man-bashing, just pointing out that there are men with that level of emotional immaturity.

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francesm avatar
Frances M
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a women you learn to lie, a lot. “No I don’t live alone, yes I have family and we’re really close, it’s the family dog but I really love walking her”.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I have 3 brothers, all of them 6'2' and 230 pounds. Would you like to meet them?"

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melissa_9 avatar
Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Always always always follow your gut. I read an article once where they interviewed several women who had been attacked and almost all of them said they knew something wasn't right before they opened the door or before the approached a car but worried about being rude.

quinnalexander avatar
Quinn Alexander
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why is it even a question still why women don't feel safe around strangers? There's "nice guy" stalkers everywhere like f*****g flies, how are people not aware of this? Rhetorical Questions!!!

shanechang2015 avatar
Shane Chang
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It infuriates me that any one would have to have constant fear just doing everyday mundane tasks. I have a LOT of privilege as a big cis-gendered white male (I'm gay but that's not obvious) so no one bothers me. I get to walk my dog at 1am worry-free. I'd love to volunteer to be a "walk buddy" but that would probably come off as creepy too.

melissa_9 avatar
Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One time I came home and told my husband about an incident I had walking downtown and he said he never fully realized what a different experience the two of us have down there.

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gokatpix avatar
Kat Miner
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is little more awkward than some guy you just met asking you personal questions. It's off-putting. I travel solo a lot and have learned to turn the tables and ask them with questions so I'm not stuck responding to them. It still sucks, but at least I've not given a bunch of info out. It blows my mind how in other countries guys lead with "where are you from" and "are you married". Wtf? It sucks. I recently started taking jiu-jitsu classes specifically for women and how to Manage various situations we may encounter. I would highly recommend.

dariab_1 avatar
Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eehhhh, I understand this woman. A similar thing happened to me too a long time ago. I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted his approach with kindness, until the moment he offered an underarms massage, with his hands already trying to reach out. That's when I physically pushed his hands away and explicitly told him "don't touch me". He then said he was going to the bathroom, as soon as he left, I vanished.

i2027594 avatar
Valerie Lessard
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to see an intellectually disabled man around a lot and he would always try to talk to me. One day on the train he sat next to me and said asked how I was, He asked my name so I told him I'd prefer not to say, he said "okay" and changed the subject. Then when I exited the train he said "have a nice day!' and I wished him the same. He was not creepy, didn't follow me, ask anything sexual, didn't touch me inappropriately and accepted no for an answer. I have not had the same experience from supposedly "intelligent" men with no disability other than their own selfishness.

aprilsimnel avatar
April Simnel
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've got the book The Gift of Fear, and Gavin de Becker points out in it that, usually, men who approach women on the street are effectively sizing them up to find a vulnerability and exploit it, and women have to be alert.

yasminesummers avatar
Yasmine Summers
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Find it bizarre that the words suiters and targets are used together

janetclarke avatar
Hiker Chick
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good thread. Random men at gas stations, parks, shops often ask me where I'm headed or where do I live. I just kind of vaguely give a non-response and try to get out of there as soon as possible. It is definitely unsettling. I would never ask some random guy those sa.w

janetclarke avatar
Hiker Chick
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

those same questions. This is a one-sided problem. I'm also physically small which makes is scarier.

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si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

mintyminameow avatar
si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

jekodama avatar
Jessica Russian Sifontes
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Every time I read a man writes "Not all men" or "most of us are nice guys" I instantly label that guy as a "definitely not nice".

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dr_kink avatar
Emily Keryk
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Girls (AND guys), trust your instincts. Exactly the same thing happened to me but ended in a sexual assault. I was uncomfortable as hell but you think that sort of stuff only happens to other people. You owe these strangers NOTHING, including polite conversation.

lgujsv avatar
Gipsy Kings fan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How horrible -- I'm so sorry you had this terrifying experience. Thank you for posting this -- it serves as a a warning for other women.

sherry-g-harvey avatar
Sherry Harvey
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Trust your instincts, ladies! A woman’s instincts are rarely wrong.

frederickjimenez avatar
Frederick Jimenez
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

For one you are not obligated to tell the truth, a woman living alone should never tell a strange man that she lives alone.

flor_healthcoach avatar
Florencia Renedo
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Proper men understand this and they do not mind if you are "rude". If they want to be honestly friendly they will find a way to put you at ease.

nhaundar avatar
Nhaundar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Iam happy that iam ugly. This has never happenend to me and iam seriously very glad about it. And i think its never gonna happen to me. Chances are low.

annaannabb avatar
AnnaB
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Predators don't care about your looks. They care about the sense of power it gives them. Don't rely on your 'ugly' appearance to protect you. That's foolish and it definitely doesn't work.

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costa2706 avatar
Kari Panda
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would like to hear if women outside the US feel that way, too. I myself don’t. I had quite a similar encounter once, and two different creepy/scary ones, but over all, I‘m not scared of a male stranger much more than a female one.

owlbystarlight avatar
OWLbystarlight
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly? After hearing the story about the girl who was brutally murdered a short time ago, I am seriously considering to learn self defense. I am so damn tired of feeling scared everywhere I go. Like, how messed up is it that we feel unsafe simply just to WALK? Martial arts won't save me in a country where guns are easy to obtain, but at least I would feel more confident in myself.

shadowphillips avatar
Shadow Phillips
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thank God every day that I have severe resting b***h face, and the fact that I'm a big girl (about 6' 300lbs) I don't get this near as often as other people. It does still happen but the "I'm going to kill you" look on my face deters even more of them LOL in reality I'm quite happy to chat or whatever with anyone who wanders up but it does cut back on the creepy MF'ers out there

lorylu avatar
Lory Murillo
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would go to a dog park near my house. I have gone there for years and usually at the same time. There was a man with Husky. No one else was there. He struck up a conversation. He proceeded to tell me he was a former police officer and his last Husky was a drug sniffing dog. While I watched him smack, kick, and yell at his current Husky. He gave me the creeps, plus he was full of BS. I cut my dogs play time short. The next day I went to the dog park, he was there. I said ok I can do this. He kept following me and trying to talk to me, even if I was talking to others. After that, every time I saw him, I would drive to another park 20 minutes.

jamie_mayfield avatar
Ivana
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I learned years ago never to be nice to a man I don't know. Hell, I learned never to be nice to a few men I do know. I would be polite and the next thing you know I am fighting to get away from some dude grabbing me. So now I am just a nasty b***h and I don't care. I put men down as fast as possible and as rude as possible. I have gotten nasty towards male friends who I felt crossed a line. So not all men will take it too far but I will say that the majority I was nice to ended up making me feel uncomfortable and grabbed me. I am so happy I am getting older, it happens less and less the more gray hairs I get and it has made my 30s a hell of a lot more enjoyable than my 20s. I feel like a f*****g child because I don't go out without my husband as a buffer I can shove between myself and whatever dude tries to grab me. I hate being grabbed, and I have been grabbed more times than I care to remember. It is okay to be rude, in fact, it is safer to be rude.

cindygraceagisotelis avatar
Wasn’t Me
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's so sad that this world can't allow a woman the freedom to be comfortable whilst she is going about her life.

maribeltenorio avatar
Remliel
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't answer questions. Period. Also, being stand-off-ish is also risky because you might get physically attack, let alone verbally. So, just don't talk to strangers. And if you encounter a creepy man, you ask questions: what's your name, where do you live, what brings you to my neighborhood, what do you do for a living, how much you make? Or you can do what I do, learn in german, french, japanese, and russian: "I don't speak english!" And walk away.

christine_paterson2012 avatar
Krystine Patterson
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women need to learn you don't have to talk to anyone or be polite or answer any questions. As for the hug, ffs, a hard shove and a loud NO with your hand held up. While this shouldn't be necessary, it is in today's world, that's our reality.

jksimm515 avatar
Koalamonster
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get the reaction of basically freezing and waiting for it to be over to get away. Whether that's right or not- I don't know. But when they're bigger than you and already have the upper hand it can make it really scary to possibly make them mad.

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deannawoods avatar
deanna woods
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a pizza delivery driver and on my job I deal with this situation all too often. Some people get a little too friendly and can make you feel uncomfortable. In fact, because this happens on my job, we have customers whose addresses have been flagged and they have to have a male delivery driver.

552d8b2006522 avatar
Natalie Kirman
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was once in a taxi, picked up from work and going to the shops, the taxi driver started asking inappropriate questions like am I a virgin, would I go on a date with him, can he meet me tonight, asking if I'm interested in a "f**k buddy", he kept talking about how me being fat makes my genitals "more tight" and then asked if I live on my own, where I live, am I into men twice my age, etc. I then got out the car to go shopping and he kept offering to wait for me and take me back home. I just walked off and then got to bus home.

hikari-kamui731 avatar
Iceroyalmilktea
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

made a mistake of answering back to a foreign student talking me up once. he didn't waste any time to ask for my number and I felt pressured and ended up giving it to him since he was polite. guy then begins bothering me with calls and texts multiple times a day from then on, and sensing a red flag, I had to withdraw the friendly manner I had carelessly shown him and told him to stop contacting me. still felt terrible about it. spend the rest of the year avoiding him in campus afterwards. never again.

viviane_katz avatar
Viviane Katz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Iceroyalmilktea, It sounds like a learning experience. I made that mistake way back. Forgive yourself. Having regrets simply means you have a conscience and that you'll want to be firm and honest next time. Maybe you can try role-playing with a friend (I did role-playing with my husband to teach him to say "Excuse me" and leave when my obnoxious relative would start ranting -- it worked!). Look up "Broken Record Technique" -- I used it on one jerk and he walked away in frustration because I kept repeating, "I'm sorry you think I'm a man hater, but there's nothing I can do about it."

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ryan-micheleeagleton avatar
RME
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"The vast majority of men would instinctively know this was wrong." You know what? I'm tired of hearing that. Because it happens SO often, both to myself and to every single other woman I know, I don't think the vast majority of men DO know it's wrong. I've had conversations with men who I considered perfectly nice people, not creeps at all, about why a particular thing they said or did was creepy, and they got it, but were surprised every time. Men in general are so conditioned to expect certain things from women, they don't even realize they're acting entitled to something they are NOT in fact entitled to until it's pointed out and explained. Frustrating af constantly having men tell us we're overreacting when experience tells us we're not.

christa-levy47 avatar
fruit_panda
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Listening to the My Favorite Murder podcast, I'm always amazed at how many women know something is off but ignore their instincts because they feel they can't remove themselves from the situation without being rude.

nhantran avatar
Nhan tran
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a message to those people who is trying TOO HARD to get a GF. Please introduce yourself first. If she interested, she will ask more question about you. If not, you got no chance. If you want to know more about her, ask about her personality, that usually work, NOT where she live (for the love of god). If everything work out fine and she seem interested, ask her if "we" will/can meet again 'here' at the end. This is wiki how not to look like a creep when trying to hook on some girl. Thanks.

samdodd avatar
Sam Dodd
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

wow nice language ! As I said I wasn't taking away from the fear this woman felt especially the continued questions and unwanted contact. Mine was just an observation having received hugs from people with special needs then sadly no they don't always understand personal space and sadly no they don't always have the care in place. Do I see every man I meet as a potential threat ...no . And yes as a young female I have experienced being cornered by a threatening male in the dark on my own . I realise there are issues and it's not right that anyone should be in fear but I also understand that being "creepy" or slightly off doesn't always mean I'm in the company of a psychopath .

bluesapphire48 avatar
Romi Elnagar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ALWAYS carry a cellphone with me, and if anyone I don't know approaches me, I put it up to my ear as though having a conversation. If anyone were to try to talk to me (which probably wouldn't happen because I am in a very rural subdivision), I could also speed dial someone (family member) and start a real discussion and if the stranger became at all aggressive, that family member would take action. I agree, though, that women are socialized to "be nice," and I have even had a family member (who molested me as a child) demand that I "smile" at him. Why are we supposed to smile? It made me feel like I was some kind of geisha or hired woman or something. If a man can't do something to make a woman smile voluntarily, like tell her she's pretty, etc. etc., he's pretty dumb.

susanpetzer01 avatar
Susan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been stalked more times than I can even count. I've been sexually harassed by both males, females, co-workers and neighbors. Just yesterday a married neighbor told me he loved me... Another male neighbor who lives upstairs in our apartment building has increasingly been more "around" when I'm outside. He stopped to talk& asked my name. Asked again today. Then showed up at our apartment complex pool. Everybody seemed to be leaving because of a storm coming in& I started getting real uncomfortable vibes. I've taken to avoiding eye contact /trusting my instincts. I packed my stuff up and got the heck outta there just as the last people slammed the pool gate after them. If I'd stayed, it would've only resulted in forced, unwanted conversation, then possibly him following me home -because yes! He lives 2 floors above me. And this would've cascaded into unwanted visits& knocking on my door because we all know how this ends... NO! Just Heck no!

jtrisn1 avatar
Gabby
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh! I can't with these creepers. A coworker of mine had three conversations with me and ended up telling me that he's divorcing his wife because she doesn't want kids and proceeded to ask me out. And then when I turned cold and rejected him, he told me that I was lying to myself about not liking him. Also! A delivery guy got stuck on our office floor since the elevators need an ID Badge to work. He saw me from afar and asked me to let him onto the elevator. When I got close, he started on about how I'm thick for an Asian and demanded to know my name.

rayceeyarayceeya avatar
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa)
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went through a stalking situation last summer. It f*****g sucks. I was considering moving out of state to get away from her. She was threatening to kill me if she saw me with someone else. I still have no idea who she is and if she's still stalking me. These things can get pretty intense. You can't let the fear get to you. Rape, sexual assault, stalking, they're not about sex, they're about power and control. Stay strong and survive. It's either that or die.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will back this up. So many times women are touched and propositioned by strangers..and sometimes even co-workers. Although my sister had an encounter with a stranger. He said "Hey..you look great. How are you doing?" And he gave her a big hug. She said she told him her name and his face went red. I said "where was this?" "The McDonalds in your town" (sister was visiting me.) I said "was it a good hug?" She said "Yeah." I said "That's Freddie." Turns out he thought it was me standing in line at McDonalds and had no idea my sister and I looked so much alike.

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Talon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’ve noticed that I have a weird sense where I get I guess a “bad vibe” from some people. I have ADHD and all my friends that have ADHD have told me they also have that sense and we all call it bad vibes. It has probably saved us countless times, like once when my friends and I went to get snacks from a convenience store a man was staring at me from outside the store and started following us when we started walking back to school. He didn’t follow us the whole way but the three of us that had pocket knives were gripping them tight.

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Cocoa Beanz
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was visiting my mom in North Carolina and I went on a morning walk. My mom told me to carry a broomstick to keep dogs away. I called it my "dog and unsaved man stick". Some guy was like "is that your cane or for protection?" I said "you wanna find out?" And kept walking. Leave me tf alone. If I didn't engage you in conversation and you're coming at me with a dry ice breaker, just keep it moving.

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Natalie Kirman
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I once took a taxi from work to the shops, the taxi driver started by saying nice things about me and then started asking inappropriate questions like am I a virgin, do I like men twice my age, where do I live, do I live alone, can he take me out tonight, go on a date and then asked if I'm interested in a "f**k buddy". He then went on to say that me being fat makes my genitals "more tight". I then got out the taxi and he insisted that he would wait for me so he could take me home. I just walked off, did my shopping and got the bus back home.

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Russian Otaku
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well... tbf there is small talk... then there what the f**k is wrong with you category like touching people you don't know and asking where they live and s**t

bluesapphire48 avatar
Romi Elnagar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Always carry a cellphone when you go for a walk. You can pretend to be having a conversation, and if someone gets close, speed dial a friend or family member and let them hear what's happening. I've never had a problem, but there is a neighbor who seems a little creepy, so I am always careful to be talking (or seeming to talk) on the cellphone when I am out walking near his house.

emilyjones_1 avatar
Yael
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Gonna be the devil's advocate here... but the only reason why he knew all that information is because she gave it. If someone was making me uncomfortable, I'd say "you're making me uncomfortable". We women need to be more direct and just be honest. Should he of continued after stating he was making me uncomfortable, I'd of called the police.

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Viviane Katz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yael, You bring up a good point: some women need to be taught to not be polite if it could endanger them. If you know someone who has trouble asserting herself, give her concrete suggestions (maybe even try role-playing for practice). I once told a young woman that it was fine to turn around and say, "Are you following me?" She did that on vacation (lots of tourist around), then glared at the man till he slunk away. If you have a gift for avoiding trouble, share it with someone who needs it. :)

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Rae
Community Member
4 years ago

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Šimon Špaček
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As I wrote here few times already. Personal safety is extra important. Find a place to practice martial arts. It is fun and it can save you one day. Also it is quite easy to get self-protection tools, like stungun, batton, rip ring (or how is it called, small ring with sharp point), etc. personally I do not like guns but it is also an option. Very important thing is training with the tool you picked, again there is most probably some gym where you can practise. Also off duty police officers are sometimes willing to help you with training. And as always, trust your instincts. If you have bad feeling, be alerted. And do not forget that gas stations, banks and malls have cameras so try to get to place like this. In the worst case, there will be at least some evidence of what happened.

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Bobby's Girl
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Simon, we need to keep in mind that males are usually bigger and stronger than females, and far more used to physical confrontation. When it comes down to it, women will almost always hesitate to use force, (be a lady... be polite.... smile... be pleasant... the man always comes first... like what he likes... laugh at his jokes... let him decide... smile...) so self-defense weapons can be, and often are, turned against the woman. Your point about staying alert is well taken, as well as staying in public areas as much as possible. The reality of this thread is that women walk in fear most of the time, and that is so wrong.

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Tina Belcher
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So this story doesn't really go into what she does -- not that it should be relevant or that it's any excuse for inappropriate behavior, because it's not. She's a cam girl, which is fine. But now it has me wondering about that "watch your figure" comment in addition to Mr. Creepy. I don't know why, but the phrasing of that stands out to me. What if they recognized her from her work somehow?? I have zero doubt that, if a man knows you work in a "sex work-adjacent" area, that he might be more prone to target you somehow. Not that bad men need another excuse... Does anyone else think this, or am I connecting too many dots?

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Lizard Queen
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tina Belcher you have a great point. Cam girls never know who is watching. The creep may now be stalking her because he recognized her, and believes she's an easy target.

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Adam Francis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The behavior that she describes here in this guy shows that things could have got a whole lot worse. He started small to see what he was able to get from her, then escalated to a hug with a total stranger. If he had the chance, he would continue to escalate. He may have tried this with several women, getting more aggressive each time. My advice, carry a gun. Be rude as hell. You don't owe anyone anything, ever. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness.

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Si
Community Member
4 years ago

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Stephanie Em
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

where are my murderinios at?? F**K POLITENESS, STAY SEXY AND DON'T GET MURDERED

tore_1 avatar
Tore Hana
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Keep in mind: ANY stranger that approaches you on the street will ALWAYS want something from you, be it a salesman or some creepy suitor like in this case. Best thing to do is to just smile, say thank you and then walk away from the whole situation. Done!

katie-trondsen avatar
KT Trondsen
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You shouldn't need to live going around being rude to people thinking you owe no one anything. A smile and a hello is normal around where I'm from. Just about everyone says hello on the trails here.

samdodd avatar
Sam Dodd
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just read this story and not to take away from the young woman and the obvious fear she felt but I just wondered if their was something else going on here . The hug screamed of a lack of awareness of personal space and the conversation a lack of social skills? Maybe this was a genuinely creepy bloke but I also saw the flip side that this was possibly somebody with special needs. I know it's not a gamble or risk that can be taken when it comes to your safety but something about the man in this story is slightly off and I don't mean in a sinister way. Just my take on it and I'm not trying to take away from any fear that was obviously felt .

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His special needs aren’t an excuse for his behavior though. All the more reason for her to call the cops on him so he can get treatment before he goes and harasses more women and hides behind his condition. I’ll pepper spray the f**k out of someone if they touch me, autistic or not.

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Grumble O'Pug
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Petrifying. Once I ran down to a local quick stop - heart of lake union area - and a guy panhandled me as I ran into the store. I brushed him off. As I left, the clerk asked me if I wanted to be escorted to my car, but I saw he was busy so I opted to run out alone. Was driving out and the panhandler tried to grab my passenger doorhandle. I zipped out. It was freaky. Should have backed over the f****r, honestly.

chandi616 avatar
Carmean Armendariz
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't know how much of this story is true... also, Lily left out some crucial plot points. If you click on the link to go to Lily's actual Twitter acct, she is a cam girl. Yes, I mean pornography. That doesn't mean she deserves to be harassed or have strange men ask her a bunch of personal questions and invade her space. However, it might explain how the guy "has seen her around". He wanted a hug? Yeah, probably so he could brag to his friends, "hey, check out this cam girl... she totally hugged me". He probably wasn't thinking, 'Wow I am creepy. Why am I asking all these personal questions? Do I sound like a potential stalker? Or rapist?!' No, he was thinking, 'since I've seen you naked , I forget you are a human because I am too busy objectifying you'. If you were a dude, who is into online porn, and you see someone from the adult industry in the street, how would you behave? Because you have no time to think like a rational, compassionate human you'd probably act like a creep too.

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Panda Panda
Community Member
4 years ago

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The ones you need to worry about won't "chat you up". They'll watch you walking your dog from afar. They'll see where you live. And they'll watch you until they know your usual schedule and whether you live alone or not. Those are the ones you need to worry about. Unfortunately you don;t know who they are - because they are watching you from afar. They stay just far enough away for you to not notice them. They appear to be doing everyday, normal things. Mostly they pretend to NOT be watching you. THOSE are the ones you should worry about, if you are going to worry about such things. But then you'd have to worry about everyone, all the time, wouldn't you? Doesn't it just make more sense to take self-protection classes...maybe get a concealed carry permit and practice shooting at a local range? Isn't it better to just be prepared and then live your life without looking over your shoulder and living in fear of every normal encounter?

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Evora
Community Member
4 years ago

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Considering this woman is a porn star... that might be what this man meant when he told her he's "seen her around."

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Delaney
Community Member
4 years ago

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That's why you should actually listen to your parents and not be like them talking to everybody who says a word! Unless they are a kind wrinkly hunchback-ish old woman with a horrible taste in fashion buying a calculator for their grandson thinking it's a phone.

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Si
Community Member
4 years ago

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Sam Kunz
Community Member
4 years ago

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I've had this happen to me, and as it turns out, the person was Autistic and had the mind of a 12 year old. So, before you judge, find out what is going on. I'll bet this woman freaks out if the walmart greeter says hello to her.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I doubt if a Walmart greeter is going to grab you and hug you, or ask highly personal questions.

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Leo H
Community Member
4 years ago

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Yeah but this is sexist. Imagine if you had a bad experience with a creepy black female customer. Now imagine if you approached every black female with hestitation,a scowl,were cold towards them. You'd be labeled a racist....but it's perfectly fine to treat every male as if he is dangerious. Being creepy doesnt mean being male...usually it means some underlying mental condition

nirity avatar
Nirity
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh pls! Don't try to compare female experience with male one. Whatever creepy can happen to you can happen tow a woman x100. Are you afraid you can be followed by a creepy woman, who will overpower you, rape and murder you? Like how often does this happen? I have never ever absolutely never heard a story of a woman doing this to a man. What can your imaginery creep do to you? Say something weird? Do something weird? Men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will murder them. There is a big difference between hearing a weird comment and being raped then chopped to pieces.

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Parmeisan
Community Member
4 years ago

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This is a really random selection of responses to publish. Miss Quinn's for example appears to be the first in a series, rather pointless alone...

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Oliver
Community Member
4 years ago

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Another made-up story to fuel misandry. I'm surprised that not more people are seeing that. Even if it was a real story, the creep could've been female. Why are people acting like creeps only come in one gender?

mintyminameow avatar
Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Only a man would think this. People only assume it’s men because 95% of the time it is, and because of how oppressingly dangerous it is to even exist as a woman. That doesn’t apply to men. I can tell you don’t get hit on much either, like most men don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be saying this. There are men who get hit on more than women and even they will tell you how different it is. The only thing fueling sexism is how dangerous it is to exist as a woman. Just like how it’s dangerous for black people in a way that it isn’t for whites. Yes there’s racism against whites too but it’s a different existence. White don’t have to always operate in fear, black people can justifiably be wary of just about anyone. Men don’t have to operate in fear of being hit on. Use your brain and think this through.

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HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK
Community Member
4 years ago

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Has anyone seen this woman's Twitter account, she is a porn model, cam girl etc. She doesn't seem like the shy, nervous girl portrayed in this story.

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Adam Guillemette
Community Member
4 years ago

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So, I'm just going to start out with this: She makes her money as a cam girl, literally objectifying herself for income. I fully understand where she's coming from, and fully encourage her to call the police immediately if this happens again. Under *no* circumstances does a man have the "right" to touch a woman because *he* believes it is okay. But what I'm seeing here is most likely that he watches her online, and being what I can only assume as a regular audience member, he's somehow convinced himself that a, she knows him, and b, her online disposition is a reflection of her real self, and so it's okay for him to treat her with such disrespect. I've heard stories of 'clients' at strip clubs who think the same way of strippers who cater to them nicely for tips. I'm not justifying what this man did, but I do want to point out that if she's going to sell herself sexually online the way she does, she shouldn't be inherently shocked if strange men approach her like this. :/ :(

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Sally-Ann Smurthwaite
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m not a cam girl, nobody knows who I am but I have still had men I don’t know yelling at me, groping me, grabbing me, demanding attention and following me. It’s completely irrelevant what she does for a living, there are sick men out there who do this ALL the time with ALL women. Why are you victim blaming? Why do some men like you not accept that this happens all the time?

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MingJai
Community Member
4 years ago

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Funny cause this is exactly what cops have to put up with from everyone. Not just men. They don't know who's a criminal or not. Whether someone is carrying a gun or not. Just like this creep was not known to be until too late. Same thing when cops encounter John Q public. Point being human being from all walks of life suck and we all have to be on guard because of it.

mintyminameow avatar
Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Then cops need to be trained to know the difference since that’s their job and they get paid to do that job, which they chose. S****y analogy.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago

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In the title men are called men, like humans, but women are called female, like non humans / animals. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

nemisis98 avatar
Shawn
Community Member
4 years ago (edited)

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Guns aren't bad that's why you should learn how to use, become proficient with, and conceal carry. Along with pepper spray, never give someone the chance to make you a victim. ... good advice to make yourself a strong woman and it gets downvoted.. whatever stay weak and be a victim.. fine by me as I'm not gonna be the victim as I protect myself not just get scared and flee to the internet hoping the masses can save me.. this generation is so f****d..

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Leo H
Community Member
4 years ago

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So lets stereotype everyone with a penis because you ran into one creepy guy?.. This is like me being defensive about every woman cause my ex was a psycho b. Or that I should fear all black people cause a black man asked me for money.. It's sexism pure and simple...

krystalzombiegirladams avatar
ZombieGirl5591
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That comparison isn't fair or correct. You had that happen from one ex. Women get this treatment all their lives. From hundreds of men. So its understandable for women to get defensive about EVERY man they are near because we are always wondering and rightfully assuming that, that man will be just like all the others.

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Tyler Duffy
Community Member
4 years ago

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I don't think it's fair to claim this a excuse. He was a creepster, most Men aren't. Most women aren't rude. Some women are flat out rude as f*** and some Men are straight creepsters. It shouldn't be hard for a normal nice, pleasant girl to recognize a creepster and a normal guy. And vice versa.

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Kathy Baylis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Predators use whatever tactics they need to lure their prey into situations where they can’t escape. And that includes using someone’s dog to “prove” they’re a harmless “nice guy”. Some of them are really good actors. Ted Bundy was one of the more successful before he was finally caught. So no, you can’t always “recognize a creepster and a normal guy”.

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Ingrid
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I cannot recall a time when a stranger in a street approached me just to be polite or sociable etc, there was always a motive behind a small talk.. Normal men do not chat women up in streets. And yes, I been keeping severe migraine look on my face walking down the street for many years now exactly for the same reason - not to catch psychos attention - it helps.

sherry_straus_94 avatar
Fairsher
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes! I walk with a purpose and a non approachable vibe and it works most time.So many times a male will say smile never a woman always a man.Well sorry I don't walk with a smile on my face, it's a safety measure. I have had far too many lewd comments and have learned not to invite conversations with strangers. Sad but true.

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martatavares22 avatar
Martata
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh God, check the downvotes of the real stories about how creepy individuals approached them for no reason and get too personal and things get scary. The question is who's downvoting such a thing...

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Si
Community Member
4 years ago

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Nomadus Aureus
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A similar thing happened to me years ago, except it got physical a lot quicker. A man walked up to me and my puppy and grabbed his lead in order to "help me walk it". Not a single passer-by has reacted in broad daylight in a major city centre, despite me saying very loudly that I wanted this man away from me repeatedly. "Lucky" me, a couple of male classmates passed by, but I literally had to beg them for help and the creep followed us for a good 800 metres before they realised that I'm not overreacting and chased him off.

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Stille20
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In no way was she rude. Personally I wouldn't have answered any of the questions about where I lived. Once he followed her, that is crossing the line from possibly creepy to totally creepy. There is no way that is just a friendly interaction.

pam_falcioni avatar
2WheelTravlr
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree, she was too "nice" (totally understandable and not her fault the guy was a creeper). It's very tough to not answer direct questions in a social situation like that, most of us still have that "be nice" mantra embedded in our brain. I'm glad to see a lot of people here have canned responses to those kinds of questions that allow them to not give information and make the person aware that they are asking undesirable questions.

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R.s. Potter
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If a stranger asks "Where do you live?", feel free to say "None of your business". Say it with a smile if you feel you have to soften it, but definitely don't feel you have to answer. If someone calls you a b***h, say "You say that like it's a *bad* thing."

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How about "Why would you need to know?" Why would they need to know?

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Bri Nicole
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And yet still men comment that we owe them kindness. NO, we actually don't. We can ignore you and you just have to accept it. This is exactly the terrifying reality of being a woman. The worse part, I, and countless others have stories that are exactly like this. It's just not ok. Instead of making us feel uncomfortable, leave us be when you see that your interaction would come across weird. If we want to talk to you, we will. Otherwise, don't.

taryn_wallace_7 avatar
Taryn Wallace
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've had (on more than one occasion) a man tell me to"smile" or "you would look so pretty if you smiled more" or"why aren't you smiling?" And I always feel like I need to come up with am excuse to appease them. Can we'd just make it a rule that in public a head nod or not being s****y in general IS polite? I don't need to smile to be polite and you don't need to tell me to because maybe I don't feel like it.... where is the line between polite and demanding??

minnladyl avatar
iluvanimals
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Never had that happen to me, but if it does and a guy asks me to smile, I will ask him bark.

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mistyferguson2610 avatar
Misty Ferguson
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've found that by saying "I'm not going to tell you that" (or something similar) it makes the person realize that I have, and will enforce, my boundaries, this makes me a more difficult target in their eyes. If they ask you something that they know makes you uncomfortable, and you answer anyway, it tells them that you are less likely to put up a fight, verbal or physical. Sadly the whole interaction is a psychological vulnerability test. Saying 'I don't want to answer that ' is NOT rude, asking a personal question of a stranger IS rude.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ran into an ex-friend (female BTW) who kept asking me where I had moved to, an apartment or a house, what apartments, what car do you drive now, etc. She has a history of stalking people, me included. No way was I going to tell her any of that. She phone stalked me until I changed my number.

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brentdavis avatar
Brent Davis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That was not rude. As a man, that was creepy and if anyone was rude it was him. There may be times I'm not as sensitive to a woman's concerns as I should be, but I would never ask such a series of nosy personal questions to a stranger. It's just basic tact.

earloflincoln avatar
Martha Meyer
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The thing is, that guy was not just rude out of maybe thoughtlessness. He was looking for a victim.

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houseofmayhem avatar
Ginger Bellard
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

We hired a new maintenance man at my job. After seeing him a couple of times, I introduced myself and asked his name, he told me...and then asked me what I liked to drink (we work for a beer distributor) if I lived alone, where I live. Maybe he could come to my apartment for some beers, he said. Maybe, but not likely, I said. I like my alone time. The next day, Friday, he asked if he could come over (Saturday) and bring some beer for us to drink. I said Oh, no I don't think so. The other day he asked me How's it going, babe? I started walking away, thinking oh I'll just ignore it. Then I remembered a Facebook platitude--People will do to you what you let them get away with. So, I turned around, walked back to him, and said, Did you just call me 'babe?' He immediately got defensive, saying he didn't mean anything by it, just trying to be friendly. I looked him straight in the eyes and said I don't like that, DON'T DO IT AGAIN. And immediately went to HR.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like he wanted to get you drunk. He didn't say "I'll bring over a pizza or a movie to watch."

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stonewoodoo avatar
Falcon
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To me it got weird already when he asked for her name. But I guess my first reaction as a guy would be "DOGGIE!" and a question if I could pet it... that's it. 🤔

daisy_chain_hair avatar
Josie Jones
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Happened me once so I didn't go home I walked to the only place open a chipper. I kinda knew the guy working and I mouthed to him "he's following me" and gestures with my eyes in the mans direction. The chipper guy came over and said he's alright I know him. I bought a coke stayed for a while rang my dad and spoke Swedish to him. The chipper guy engaged him in conversation to get me out so I left and stayed on the phone the whole way home. I wasn't followed home. So go to a place where's there people don't go home. Go anywhere and tell someone. Ask them to keep him talking while you leave and then call someone tell them exactly where you are the route you're taking and leave your number with the place you've been so they can alert you if the person has left to find you.

mintyminameow avatar
Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This s**t happens to me every week pretty much. Getting followed to the car, pestered in 7-eleven, harassed at the mall, screamed at on the sidewalk, creeped on at the beach, grabbed in crowded spaces, questioned at the grocery store, on and on and on. And most definitely if they are just talking, I will look at them dead in the face and go “okay.” That’s my response now. It happened to me yesterday in 7-eleven. Some loser tried to make small talk about my purchases. No, no, no. I already know that tactic. He asked me if I needed anything else and I just said “okay.” By the time he tried to ask another question my transaction was done and I was walking to my car. As I drive off, he comes out and says “wowwwww ma!” The actual f**k. I don’t know if he liked my car or was just saying wow because I didn’t talk to him. Who cares. Ask me my name? “Okay.” Where am I going? “Okay.” Do I have a boyfriend? “Okay.” It throws them off and they can’t say it’s rude. Just confusing. I also carry pepper spray. 🤷🏻‍♀️

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I honestly think that some men believe that is just the way to meet women. But they have no business even knowing personal info. On the other hand, there are always the men who think of women as objects, and think that we are on this earth for their convenience and pleasure. I blame the media. Not man-bashing, just pointing out that there are men with that level of emotional immaturity.

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francesm avatar
Frances M
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a women you learn to lie, a lot. “No I don’t live alone, yes I have family and we’re really close, it’s the family dog but I really love walking her”.

catmarshall57 avatar
BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"I have 3 brothers, all of them 6'2' and 230 pounds. Would you like to meet them?"

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melissa_9 avatar
Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Always always always follow your gut. I read an article once where they interviewed several women who had been attacked and almost all of them said they knew something wasn't right before they opened the door or before the approached a car but worried about being rude.

quinnalexander avatar
Quinn Alexander
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why is it even a question still why women don't feel safe around strangers? There's "nice guy" stalkers everywhere like f*****g flies, how are people not aware of this? Rhetorical Questions!!!

shanechang2015 avatar
Shane Chang
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It infuriates me that any one would have to have constant fear just doing everyday mundane tasks. I have a LOT of privilege as a big cis-gendered white male (I'm gay but that's not obvious) so no one bothers me. I get to walk my dog at 1am worry-free. I'd love to volunteer to be a "walk buddy" but that would probably come off as creepy too.

melissa_9 avatar
Melissa Nunya
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

One time I came home and told my husband about an incident I had walking downtown and he said he never fully realized what a different experience the two of us have down there.

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gokatpix avatar
Kat Miner
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

There is little more awkward than some guy you just met asking you personal questions. It's off-putting. I travel solo a lot and have learned to turn the tables and ask them with questions so I'm not stuck responding to them. It still sucks, but at least I've not given a bunch of info out. It blows my mind how in other countries guys lead with "where are you from" and "are you married". Wtf? It sucks. I recently started taking jiu-jitsu classes specifically for women and how to Manage various situations we may encounter. I would highly recommend.

dariab_1 avatar
Daria B
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eehhhh, I understand this woman. A similar thing happened to me too a long time ago. I didn't want to be rude, so I accepted his approach with kindness, until the moment he offered an underarms massage, with his hands already trying to reach out. That's when I physically pushed his hands away and explicitly told him "don't touch me". He then said he was going to the bathroom, as soon as he left, I vanished.

i2027594 avatar
Valerie Lessard
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to see an intellectually disabled man around a lot and he would always try to talk to me. One day on the train he sat next to me and said asked how I was, He asked my name so I told him I'd prefer not to say, he said "okay" and changed the subject. Then when I exited the train he said "have a nice day!' and I wished him the same. He was not creepy, didn't follow me, ask anything sexual, didn't touch me inappropriately and accepted no for an answer. I have not had the same experience from supposedly "intelligent" men with no disability other than their own selfishness.

aprilsimnel avatar
April Simnel
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've got the book The Gift of Fear, and Gavin de Becker points out in it that, usually, men who approach women on the street are effectively sizing them up to find a vulnerability and exploit it, and women have to be alert.

yasminesummers avatar
Yasmine Summers
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Find it bizarre that the words suiters and targets are used together

janetclarke avatar
Hiker Chick
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good thread. Random men at gas stations, parks, shops often ask me where I'm headed or where do I live. I just kind of vaguely give a non-response and try to get out of there as soon as possible. It is definitely unsettling. I would never ask some random guy those sa.w

janetclarke avatar
Hiker Chick
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

those same questions. This is a one-sided problem. I'm also physically small which makes is scarier.

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si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

mintyminameow avatar
si-michelson avatar
Si
Community Member
4 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

jekodama avatar
Jessica Russian Sifontes
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Every time I read a man writes "Not all men" or "most of us are nice guys" I instantly label that guy as a "definitely not nice".

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dr_kink avatar
Emily Keryk
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Girls (AND guys), trust your instincts. Exactly the same thing happened to me but ended in a sexual assault. I was uncomfortable as hell but you think that sort of stuff only happens to other people. You owe these strangers NOTHING, including polite conversation.

lgujsv avatar
Gipsy Kings fan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How horrible -- I'm so sorry you had this terrifying experience. Thank you for posting this -- it serves as a a warning for other women.

sherry-g-harvey avatar
Sherry Harvey
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Trust your instincts, ladies! A woman’s instincts are rarely wrong.

frederickjimenez avatar
Frederick Jimenez
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

For one you are not obligated to tell the truth, a woman living alone should never tell a strange man that she lives alone.

flor_healthcoach avatar
Florencia Renedo
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Proper men understand this and they do not mind if you are "rude". If they want to be honestly friendly they will find a way to put you at ease.

nhaundar avatar
Nhaundar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Iam happy that iam ugly. This has never happenend to me and iam seriously very glad about it. And i think its never gonna happen to me. Chances are low.

annaannabb avatar
AnnaB
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Predators don't care about your looks. They care about the sense of power it gives them. Don't rely on your 'ugly' appearance to protect you. That's foolish and it definitely doesn't work.

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costa2706 avatar
Kari Panda
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would like to hear if women outside the US feel that way, too. I myself don’t. I had quite a similar encounter once, and two different creepy/scary ones, but over all, I‘m not scared of a male stranger much more than a female one.

owlbystarlight avatar
OWLbystarlight
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly? After hearing the story about the girl who was brutally murdered a short time ago, I am seriously considering to learn self defense. I am so damn tired of feeling scared everywhere I go. Like, how messed up is it that we feel unsafe simply just to WALK? Martial arts won't save me in a country where guns are easy to obtain, but at least I would feel more confident in myself.

shadowphillips avatar
Shadow Phillips
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I thank God every day that I have severe resting b***h face, and the fact that I'm a big girl (about 6' 300lbs) I don't get this near as often as other people. It does still happen but the "I'm going to kill you" look on my face deters even more of them LOL in reality I'm quite happy to chat or whatever with anyone who wanders up but it does cut back on the creepy MF'ers out there

lorylu avatar
Lory Murillo
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would go to a dog park near my house. I have gone there for years and usually at the same time. There was a man with Husky. No one else was there. He struck up a conversation. He proceeded to tell me he was a former police officer and his last Husky was a drug sniffing dog. While I watched him smack, kick, and yell at his current Husky. He gave me the creeps, plus he was full of BS. I cut my dogs play time short. The next day I went to the dog park, he was there. I said ok I can do this. He kept following me and trying to talk to me, even if I was talking to others. After that, every time I saw him, I would drive to another park 20 minutes.

jamie_mayfield avatar
Ivana
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I learned years ago never to be nice to a man I don't know. Hell, I learned never to be nice to a few men I do know. I would be polite and the next thing you know I am fighting to get away from some dude grabbing me. So now I am just a nasty b***h and I don't care. I put men down as fast as possible and as rude as possible. I have gotten nasty towards male friends who I felt crossed a line. So not all men will take it too far but I will say that the majority I was nice to ended up making me feel uncomfortable and grabbed me. I am so happy I am getting older, it happens less and less the more gray hairs I get and it has made my 30s a hell of a lot more enjoyable than my 20s. I feel like a f*****g child because I don't go out without my husband as a buffer I can shove between myself and whatever dude tries to grab me. I hate being grabbed, and I have been grabbed more times than I care to remember. It is okay to be rude, in fact, it is safer to be rude.

cindygraceagisotelis avatar
Wasn’t Me
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's so sad that this world can't allow a woman the freedom to be comfortable whilst she is going about her life.

maribeltenorio avatar
Remliel
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't answer questions. Period. Also, being stand-off-ish is also risky because you might get physically attack, let alone verbally. So, just don't talk to strangers. And if you encounter a creepy man, you ask questions: what's your name, where do you live, what brings you to my neighborhood, what do you do for a living, how much you make? Or you can do what I do, learn in german, french, japanese, and russian: "I don't speak english!" And walk away.

christine_paterson2012 avatar
Krystine Patterson
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women need to learn you don't have to talk to anyone or be polite or answer any questions. As for the hug, ffs, a hard shove and a loud NO with your hand held up. While this shouldn't be necessary, it is in today's world, that's our reality.

jksimm515 avatar
Koalamonster
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get the reaction of basically freezing and waiting for it to be over to get away. Whether that's right or not- I don't know. But when they're bigger than you and already have the upper hand it can make it really scary to possibly make them mad.

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deannawoods avatar
deanna woods
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a pizza delivery driver and on my job I deal with this situation all too often. Some people get a little too friendly and can make you feel uncomfortable. In fact, because this happens on my job, we have customers whose addresses have been flagged and they have to have a male delivery driver.

552d8b2006522 avatar
Natalie Kirman
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was once in a taxi, picked up from work and going to the shops, the taxi driver started asking inappropriate questions like am I a virgin, would I go on a date with him, can he meet me tonight, asking if I'm interested in a "f**k buddy", he kept talking about how me being fat makes my genitals "more tight" and then asked if I live on my own, where I live, am I into men twice my age, etc. I then got out the car to go shopping and he kept offering to wait for me and take me back home. I just walked off and then got to bus home.

hikari-kamui731 avatar
Iceroyalmilktea
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

made a mistake of answering back to a foreign student talking me up once. he didn't waste any time to ask for my number and I felt pressured and ended up giving it to him since he was polite. guy then begins bothering me with calls and texts multiple times a day from then on, and sensing a red flag, I had to withdraw the friendly manner I had carelessly shown him and told him to stop contacting me. still felt terrible about it. spend the rest of the year avoiding him in campus afterwards. never again.

viviane_katz avatar
Viviane Katz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Iceroyalmilktea, It sounds like a learning experience. I made that mistake way back. Forgive yourself. Having regrets simply means you have a conscience and that you'll want to be firm and honest next time. Maybe you can try role-playing with a friend (I did role-playing with my husband to teach him to say "Excuse me" and leave when my obnoxious relative would start ranting -- it worked!). Look up "Broken Record Technique" -- I used it on one jerk and he walked away in frustration because I kept repeating, "I'm sorry you think I'm a man hater, but there's nothing I can do about it."

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ryan-micheleeagleton avatar
RME
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"The vast majority of men would instinctively know this was wrong." You know what? I'm tired of hearing that. Because it happens SO often, both to myself and to every single other woman I know, I don't think the vast majority of men DO know it's wrong. I've had conversations with men who I considered perfectly nice people, not creeps at all, about why a particular thing they said or did was creepy, and they got it, but were surprised every time. Men in general are so conditioned to expect certain things from women, they don't even realize they're acting entitled to something they are NOT in fact entitled to until it's pointed out and explained. Frustrating af constantly having men tell us we're overreacting when experience tells us we're not.

christa-levy47 avatar
fruit_panda
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Listening to the My Favorite Murder podcast, I'm always amazed at how many women know something is off but ignore their instincts because they feel they can't remove themselves from the situation without being rude.

nhantran avatar
Nhan tran
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a message to those people who is trying TOO HARD to get a GF. Please introduce yourself first. If she interested, she will ask more question about you. If not, you got no chance. If you want to know more about her, ask about her personality, that usually work, NOT where she live (for the love of god). If everything work out fine and she seem interested, ask her if "we" will/can meet again 'here' at the end. This is wiki how not to look like a creep when trying to hook on some girl. Thanks.

samdodd avatar
Sam Dodd
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

wow nice language ! As I said I wasn't taking away from the fear this woman felt especially the continued questions and unwanted contact. Mine was just an observation having received hugs from people with special needs then sadly no they don't always understand personal space and sadly no they don't always have the care in place. Do I see every man I meet as a potential threat ...no . And yes as a young female I have experienced being cornered by a threatening male in the dark on my own . I realise there are issues and it's not right that anyone should be in fear but I also understand that being "creepy" or slightly off doesn't always mean I'm in the company of a psychopath .

bluesapphire48 avatar
Romi Elnagar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ALWAYS carry a cellphone with me, and if anyone I don't know approaches me, I put it up to my ear as though having a conversation. If anyone were to try to talk to me (which probably wouldn't happen because I am in a very rural subdivision), I could also speed dial someone (family member) and start a real discussion and if the stranger became at all aggressive, that family member would take action. I agree, though, that women are socialized to "be nice," and I have even had a family member (who molested me as a child) demand that I "smile" at him. Why are we supposed to smile? It made me feel like I was some kind of geisha or hired woman or something. If a man can't do something to make a woman smile voluntarily, like tell her she's pretty, etc. etc., he's pretty dumb.

susanpetzer01 avatar
Susan
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been stalked more times than I can even count. I've been sexually harassed by both males, females, co-workers and neighbors. Just yesterday a married neighbor told me he loved me... Another male neighbor who lives upstairs in our apartment building has increasingly been more "around" when I'm outside. He stopped to talk& asked my name. Asked again today. Then showed up at our apartment complex pool. Everybody seemed to be leaving because of a storm coming in& I started getting real uncomfortable vibes. I've taken to avoiding eye contact /trusting my instincts. I packed my stuff up and got the heck outta there just as the last people slammed the pool gate after them. If I'd stayed, it would've only resulted in forced, unwanted conversation, then possibly him following me home -because yes! He lives 2 floors above me. And this would've cascaded into unwanted visits& knocking on my door because we all know how this ends... NO! Just Heck no!

jtrisn1 avatar
Gabby
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Ugh! I can't with these creepers. A coworker of mine had three conversations with me and ended up telling me that he's divorcing his wife because she doesn't want kids and proceeded to ask me out. And then when I turned cold and rejected him, he told me that I was lying to myself about not liking him. Also! A delivery guy got stuck on our office floor since the elevators need an ID Badge to work. He saw me from afar and asked me to let him onto the elevator. When I got close, he started on about how I'm thick for an Asian and demanded to know my name.

rayceeyarayceeya avatar
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa)
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I went through a stalking situation last summer. It f*****g sucks. I was considering moving out of state to get away from her. She was threatening to kill me if she saw me with someone else. I still have no idea who she is and if she's still stalking me. These things can get pretty intense. You can't let the fear get to you. Rape, sexual assault, stalking, they're not about sex, they're about power and control. Stay strong and survive. It's either that or die.

emory_ce avatar
Carol Emory
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I will back this up. So many times women are touched and propositioned by strangers..and sometimes even co-workers. Although my sister had an encounter with a stranger. He said "Hey..you look great. How are you doing?" And he gave her a big hug. She said she told him her name and his face went red. I said "where was this?" "The McDonalds in your town" (sister was visiting me.) I said "was it a good hug?" She said "Yeah." I said "That's Freddie." Turns out he thought it was me standing in line at McDonalds and had no idea my sister and I looked so much alike.

trinity-macelwain avatar
Talon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’ve noticed that I have a weird sense where I get I guess a “bad vibe” from some people. I have ADHD and all my friends that have ADHD have told me they also have that sense and we all call it bad vibes. It has probably saved us countless times, like once when my friends and I went to get snacks from a convenience store a man was staring at me from outside the store and started following us when we started walking back to school. He didn’t follow us the whole way but the three of us that had pocket knives were gripping them tight.

dotsonbrett avatar
Cocoa Beanz
Community Member
3 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was visiting my mom in North Carolina and I went on a morning walk. My mom told me to carry a broomstick to keep dogs away. I called it my "dog and unsaved man stick". Some guy was like "is that your cane or for protection?" I said "you wanna find out?" And kept walking. Leave me tf alone. If I didn't engage you in conversation and you're coming at me with a dry ice breaker, just keep it moving.

552d8b2006522 avatar
Natalie Kirman
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I once took a taxi from work to the shops, the taxi driver started by saying nice things about me and then started asking inappropriate questions like am I a virgin, do I like men twice my age, where do I live, do I live alone, can he take me out tonight, go on a date and then asked if I'm interested in a "f**k buddy". He then went on to say that me being fat makes my genitals "more tight". I then got out the taxi and he insisted that he would wait for me so he could take me home. I just walked off, did my shopping and got the bus back home.

victorrsytnik avatar
Russian Otaku
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well... tbf there is small talk... then there what the f**k is wrong with you category like touching people you don't know and asking where they live and s**t

bluesapphire48 avatar
Romi Elnagar
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Always carry a cellphone when you go for a walk. You can pretend to be having a conversation, and if someone gets close, speed dial a friend or family member and let them hear what's happening. I've never had a problem, but there is a neighbor who seems a little creepy, so I am always careful to be talking (or seeming to talk) on the cellphone when I am out walking near his house.

emilyjones_1 avatar
Yael
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Gonna be the devil's advocate here... but the only reason why he knew all that information is because she gave it. If someone was making me uncomfortable, I'd say "you're making me uncomfortable". We women need to be more direct and just be honest. Should he of continued after stating he was making me uncomfortable, I'd of called the police.

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Viviane Katz
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yael, You bring up a good point: some women need to be taught to not be polite if it could endanger them. If you know someone who has trouble asserting herself, give her concrete suggestions (maybe even try role-playing for practice). I once told a young woman that it was fine to turn around and say, "Are you following me?" She did that on vacation (lots of tourist around), then glared at the man till he slunk away. If you have a gift for avoiding trouble, share it with someone who needs it. :)

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Rae
Community Member
4 years ago

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Šimon Špaček
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As I wrote here few times already. Personal safety is extra important. Find a place to practice martial arts. It is fun and it can save you one day. Also it is quite easy to get self-protection tools, like stungun, batton, rip ring (or how is it called, small ring with sharp point), etc. personally I do not like guns but it is also an option. Very important thing is training with the tool you picked, again there is most probably some gym where you can practise. Also off duty police officers are sometimes willing to help you with training. And as always, trust your instincts. If you have bad feeling, be alerted. And do not forget that gas stations, banks and malls have cameras so try to get to place like this. In the worst case, there will be at least some evidence of what happened.

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Bobby's Girl
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Simon, we need to keep in mind that males are usually bigger and stronger than females, and far more used to physical confrontation. When it comes down to it, women will almost always hesitate to use force, (be a lady... be polite.... smile... be pleasant... the man always comes first... like what he likes... laugh at his jokes... let him decide... smile...) so self-defense weapons can be, and often are, turned against the woman. Your point about staying alert is well taken, as well as staying in public areas as much as possible. The reality of this thread is that women walk in fear most of the time, and that is so wrong.

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Tina Belcher
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So this story doesn't really go into what she does -- not that it should be relevant or that it's any excuse for inappropriate behavior, because it's not. She's a cam girl, which is fine. But now it has me wondering about that "watch your figure" comment in addition to Mr. Creepy. I don't know why, but the phrasing of that stands out to me. What if they recognized her from her work somehow?? I have zero doubt that, if a man knows you work in a "sex work-adjacent" area, that he might be more prone to target you somehow. Not that bad men need another excuse... Does anyone else think this, or am I connecting too many dots?

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Lizard Queen
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Tina Belcher you have a great point. Cam girls never know who is watching. The creep may now be stalking her because he recognized her, and believes she's an easy target.

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Adam Francis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The behavior that she describes here in this guy shows that things could have got a whole lot worse. He started small to see what he was able to get from her, then escalated to a hug with a total stranger. If he had the chance, he would continue to escalate. He may have tried this with several women, getting more aggressive each time. My advice, carry a gun. Be rude as hell. You don't owe anyone anything, ever. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness.

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Si
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4 years ago

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Stephanie Em
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

where are my murderinios at?? F**K POLITENESS, STAY SEXY AND DON'T GET MURDERED

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Tore Hana
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Keep in mind: ANY stranger that approaches you on the street will ALWAYS want something from you, be it a salesman or some creepy suitor like in this case. Best thing to do is to just smile, say thank you and then walk away from the whole situation. Done!

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KT Trondsen
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You shouldn't need to live going around being rude to people thinking you owe no one anything. A smile and a hello is normal around where I'm from. Just about everyone says hello on the trails here.

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Sam Dodd
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just read this story and not to take away from the young woman and the obvious fear she felt but I just wondered if their was something else going on here . The hug screamed of a lack of awareness of personal space and the conversation a lack of social skills? Maybe this was a genuinely creepy bloke but I also saw the flip side that this was possibly somebody with special needs. I know it's not a gamble or risk that can be taken when it comes to your safety but something about the man in this story is slightly off and I don't mean in a sinister way. Just my take on it and I'm not trying to take away from any fear that was obviously felt .

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

His special needs aren’t an excuse for his behavior though. All the more reason for her to call the cops on him so he can get treatment before he goes and harasses more women and hides behind his condition. I’ll pepper spray the f**k out of someone if they touch me, autistic or not.

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Grumble O'Pug
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Petrifying. Once I ran down to a local quick stop - heart of lake union area - and a guy panhandled me as I ran into the store. I brushed him off. As I left, the clerk asked me if I wanted to be escorted to my car, but I saw he was busy so I opted to run out alone. Was driving out and the panhandler tried to grab my passenger doorhandle. I zipped out. It was freaky. Should have backed over the f****r, honestly.

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Carmean Armendariz
Community Member
4 years ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't know how much of this story is true... also, Lily left out some crucial plot points. If you click on the link to go to Lily's actual Twitter acct, she is a cam girl. Yes, I mean pornography. That doesn't mean she deserves to be harassed or have strange men ask her a bunch of personal questions and invade her space. However, it might explain how the guy "has seen her around". He wanted a hug? Yeah, probably so he could brag to his friends, "hey, check out this cam girl... she totally hugged me". He probably wasn't thinking, 'Wow I am creepy. Why am I asking all these personal questions? Do I sound like a potential stalker? Or rapist?!' No, he was thinking, 'since I've seen you naked , I forget you are a human because I am too busy objectifying you'. If you were a dude, who is into online porn, and you see someone from the adult industry in the street, how would you behave? Because you have no time to think like a rational, compassionate human you'd probably act like a creep too.

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Panda Panda
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4 years ago

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The ones you need to worry about won't "chat you up". They'll watch you walking your dog from afar. They'll see where you live. And they'll watch you until they know your usual schedule and whether you live alone or not. Those are the ones you need to worry about. Unfortunately you don;t know who they are - because they are watching you from afar. They stay just far enough away for you to not notice them. They appear to be doing everyday, normal things. Mostly they pretend to NOT be watching you. THOSE are the ones you should worry about, if you are going to worry about such things. But then you'd have to worry about everyone, all the time, wouldn't you? Doesn't it just make more sense to take self-protection classes...maybe get a concealed carry permit and practice shooting at a local range? Isn't it better to just be prepared and then live your life without looking over your shoulder and living in fear of every normal encounter?

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Evora
Community Member
4 years ago

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Considering this woman is a porn star... that might be what this man meant when he told her he's "seen her around."

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Delaney
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4 years ago

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That's why you should actually listen to your parents and not be like them talking to everybody who says a word! Unless they are a kind wrinkly hunchback-ish old woman with a horrible taste in fashion buying a calculator for their grandson thinking it's a phone.

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Si
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4 years ago

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Sam Kunz
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4 years ago

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I've had this happen to me, and as it turns out, the person was Autistic and had the mind of a 12 year old. So, before you judge, find out what is going on. I'll bet this woman freaks out if the walmart greeter says hello to her.

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BusLady
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I doubt if a Walmart greeter is going to grab you and hug you, or ask highly personal questions.

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Leo H
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4 years ago

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Yeah but this is sexist. Imagine if you had a bad experience with a creepy black female customer. Now imagine if you approached every black female with hestitation,a scowl,were cold towards them. You'd be labeled a racist....but it's perfectly fine to treat every male as if he is dangerious. Being creepy doesnt mean being male...usually it means some underlying mental condition

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Nirity
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh pls! Don't try to compare female experience with male one. Whatever creepy can happen to you can happen tow a woman x100. Are you afraid you can be followed by a creepy woman, who will overpower you, rape and murder you? Like how often does this happen? I have never ever absolutely never heard a story of a woman doing this to a man. What can your imaginery creep do to you? Say something weird? Do something weird? Men are afraid women will laugh at them, women are afraid men will murder them. There is a big difference between hearing a weird comment and being raped then chopped to pieces.

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Parmeisan
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4 years ago

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This is a really random selection of responses to publish. Miss Quinn's for example appears to be the first in a series, rather pointless alone...

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Oliver
Community Member
4 years ago

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Another made-up story to fuel misandry. I'm surprised that not more people are seeing that. Even if it was a real story, the creep could've been female. Why are people acting like creeps only come in one gender?

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Only a man would think this. People only assume it’s men because 95% of the time it is, and because of how oppressingly dangerous it is to even exist as a woman. That doesn’t apply to men. I can tell you don’t get hit on much either, like most men don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be saying this. There are men who get hit on more than women and even they will tell you how different it is. The only thing fueling sexism is how dangerous it is to exist as a woman. Just like how it’s dangerous for black people in a way that it isn’t for whites. Yes there’s racism against whites too but it’s a different existence. White don’t have to always operate in fear, black people can justifiably be wary of just about anyone. Men don’t have to operate in fear of being hit on. Use your brain and think this through.

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HoffLensMetalHedLovesAnimalsUK
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4 years ago

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Has anyone seen this woman's Twitter account, she is a porn model, cam girl etc. She doesn't seem like the shy, nervous girl portrayed in this story.

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Adam Guillemette
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4 years ago

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So, I'm just going to start out with this: She makes her money as a cam girl, literally objectifying herself for income. I fully understand where she's coming from, and fully encourage her to call the police immediately if this happens again. Under *no* circumstances does a man have the "right" to touch a woman because *he* believes it is okay. But what I'm seeing here is most likely that he watches her online, and being what I can only assume as a regular audience member, he's somehow convinced himself that a, she knows him, and b, her online disposition is a reflection of her real self, and so it's okay for him to treat her with such disrespect. I've heard stories of 'clients' at strip clubs who think the same way of strippers who cater to them nicely for tips. I'm not justifying what this man did, but I do want to point out that if she's going to sell herself sexually online the way she does, she shouldn't be inherently shocked if strange men approach her like this. :/ :(

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Sally-Ann Smurthwaite
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I’m not a cam girl, nobody knows who I am but I have still had men I don’t know yelling at me, groping me, grabbing me, demanding attention and following me. It’s completely irrelevant what she does for a living, there are sick men out there who do this ALL the time with ALL women. Why are you victim blaming? Why do some men like you not accept that this happens all the time?

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MingJai
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4 years ago

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Funny cause this is exactly what cops have to put up with from everyone. Not just men. They don't know who's a criminal or not. Whether someone is carrying a gun or not. Just like this creep was not known to be until too late. Same thing when cops encounter John Q public. Point being human being from all walks of life suck and we all have to be on guard because of it.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Then cops need to be trained to know the difference since that’s their job and they get paid to do that job, which they chose. S****y analogy.

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Mewton’s Third Paw
Community Member
4 years ago

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In the title men are called men, like humans, but women are called female, like non humans / animals. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

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Shawn
Community Member
4 years ago (edited)

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Guns aren't bad that's why you should learn how to use, become proficient with, and conceal carry. Along with pepper spray, never give someone the chance to make you a victim. ... good advice to make yourself a strong woman and it gets downvoted.. whatever stay weak and be a victim.. fine by me as I'm not gonna be the victim as I protect myself not just get scared and flee to the internet hoping the masses can save me.. this generation is so f****d..

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Leo H
Community Member
4 years ago

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So lets stereotype everyone with a penis because you ran into one creepy guy?.. This is like me being defensive about every woman cause my ex was a psycho b. Or that I should fear all black people cause a black man asked me for money.. It's sexism pure and simple...

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ZombieGirl5591
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That comparison isn't fair or correct. You had that happen from one ex. Women get this treatment all their lives. From hundreds of men. So its understandable for women to get defensive about EVERY man they are near because we are always wondering and rightfully assuming that, that man will be just like all the others.

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Tyler Duffy
Community Member
4 years ago

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I don't think it's fair to claim this a excuse. He was a creepster, most Men aren't. Most women aren't rude. Some women are flat out rude as f*** and some Men are straight creepsters. It shouldn't be hard for a normal nice, pleasant girl to recognize a creepster and a normal guy. And vice versa.

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Kathy Baylis
Community Member
4 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Predators use whatever tactics they need to lure their prey into situations where they can’t escape. And that includes using someone’s dog to “prove” they’re a harmless “nice guy”. Some of them are really good actors. Ted Bundy was one of the more successful before he was finally caught. So no, you can’t always “recognize a creepster and a normal guy”.

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