The Internet Backs Husband For “Ruining” Family Dinner Because He Is The Only One Not On Board With Wife’s Stay-At-Home Idea
Lots of parents dream of being a stay-at-home mom or dad. Getting to escape the rat race and focus all of your time and energy on taking care of your loving family and managing your household sounds like a pretty sweet deal to a lot of people. Of course, being a parent is always a full-time job, regardless of whether that mom or dad has another job they’re actually getting paid for. But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having one parent stay at home, as long as both parties agree and they meet the most important prerequisite: that the whole family can survive on one income. One person usually can’t just decide they don’t want to work anymore, especially when they don’t even have kids to take care of yet…
Last week, one husband, Agile_Creme2395 on Reddit, shared a dilemma that he has found himself in with his family and reached out to others for some advice. Below, you will find his full story explaining what his wife is hoping for and what his concerns are, some of the replies readers have left on his post, and an interview with clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Kathy McMahon.
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments too, especially if you or your partner happen to be a stay-at-home spouse or parent. Then if you’re interested in reading another Bored Panda story featuring stay-at-home parent drama, check out this article next.
This husband is wondering if he was wrong for blowing up at his family members after they supported his wife’s decision to stop working
Image credits: Heather Mount (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Jessica Da Rosa (not the actual photo)
The husband later clarified some details about the situation after reading comments
Image credits: Agile_Creme2395
To gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to clinical psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Kathy McMahon. First, we wanted to know how common it is for couples to disagree about whether one partner should be a stay-at-home spouse or parent. “It is very common when neither of them has sat down to talk about their overall goals and dreams,” Dr. McMahon told Bored Panda.
“In this situation, the couple’s conflict is what world-renowned couples expert Gottman calls a ‘perpetual problem’,” she explained. “It may never be ‘solved’. It can only be discussed and a better understanding of each person’s point of view clarified. She wants to focus her energies on parenting. He might think that is great but believes the couple simply can’t financially exist on one salary.”
“Who’s right? Maybe both of them,” Dr. McMahon continued. “But until they talk about what they are BOTH willing to sacrifice in order to focus one partner’s energies on parenting, they will get nowhere.”
We also asked Dr. McMahon what the best way is for couples to work through an issue like this. “This issue is a false dichotomy,” she says. “For most couples, there are a series of decisions that go into what they may describe as ‘a quality of life’. For one person, it’s a yearly vacation, cable TV, cellphones, living in an expensive city, or expensive neighborhood, owning vs renting, etc.”
“For others, quality of life means examining every expense to weigh the pleasure of using their ‘life resource’ time (see Your Money Or Your Life),” Dr. McMahon explained. “These are value conversations without ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answers.”
She went on to note that the issue for the couple comes down to a few questions: “What do we get from our current standard of living? What do we expenses do we incur when we try to maintain that standard, which may or may not be incurred if we live on one paycheck? Do we value those things over the other option to have one stay-at-home parent?”
He also answered some questions to help readers better understand the situation
“We know from such research that many women seem to be the happiest when they balance raising children with a part-time job. What does each of them gain by having both work full-time versus 1.5 FTE? This requires repeated discussions with your past year’s worth of expenses available. Perhaps the couple might try living on one paycheck for several months (while putting the other paycheck in savings…) to see what is possible,” Dr. McMahon suggests.
We also wanted to know Dr. McMahon’s thoughts on whether family members should be inserting their opinions on topics such as this. “I do believe that the expense of childcare can be often supplemented when family members offer their services at no cost,” she told Bored Panda.
“When these ‘opinions’ become offers to tangibly help (financially or physically), that’s when all should welcome the input, and the couple should discuss the pros and cons of accepting such help. Otherwise, everyone has an opinion, but only the two of you get to decide how you choose to live your life,” Dr. McMahon added.
When it comes to how common stay-at-home parents are, in the United States, about one in every 5 parents is a stay-at-home mom or dad. But how high the one working parent’s income is is certainly a factor in whether or not a parent gets to stay at home. In one study, nearly half of the mothers who had a partner who made over $250,000 a year were stay at home moms. If they are in a comfortable place financially, they don’t necessarily need to worry about having two income streams and can opt to stay at home with their children. After all, daycare and nannies are expensive and they aren’t always worth the hassle. Why not have one parent with the kids or managing the home during the days?
However, being a stay-at-home parent is no walk in the park. Despite the misconception that they don’t do much during the day, the average stay at home parent actually works the equivalent of 2.5 full-time jobs and could charge about $115,000 per year for their work, if they were doing it for someone else. Heading into an office every day can be exhausting, but at least, in theory, there are set working hours. We all know plenty of people end up working more than 40 hours a week, but they don’t usually intend to. A stay-at-home parent, on the other hand, typically works about 14-hour long days, when their children are at home, and those days usually include a mere 1.7 hours of free time built-in.
Despite what the wife in this story imagines about being a stay-at-home partner, it’s not always a dream, especially if your spouse is barely making enough to make ends meet. Besides, many people find having a career fulfilling and motivating, while staying at home can be lonely and isolating. It can be difficult to decide what the best course of action is for your family, but one thing that’s important is that both parties are on the same page and happy with the decisions made. Let us know how you feel about this situation down below, and if you have ever been a stay-at-home parent or spouse, feel free to share about your experience as well.
Many of the commenters reassured the husband that he did nothing wrong, while some even warned him that his wife’s behavior may be a red flag
Being a SAHW or SAHM isn't common anymore not because of a fashion trend but often because people can't afford it. I assume everyone in the story knows his situation at work - for them to still tell him to "make it happen" anyway is incredibly arrogant. I'd be setting very clear boundaries and be reconsidering my relationship to all of them. Totally nta.
She just doesn't want to work. How is staying home and not working and having no child to care for preparing her to be a SAHM? In this day and age, you really want to get by on one salary when you don't have to?
When I tried dating as a single mom with 3 small kids, the only guys who were interested were the ones who wanted to become a househusband. I work part time and when I work, the kids are with my ex. Those guys really wanted to clean the house, cook and not work, but live on my income and I was a bit desperate, so I almost did it, but luckily my brain returned from a holiday in time and I went to the pet store and bought a rabbit instead for company.
Load More Replies...
His wife deceived him, his sister and mother are hypocrites. I would advise him to change wife as long as they don't have children yet, it will be easier and less traumatic. However, in general, I find that older people living on generous pensions have no idea how the financial situation of the younger generations has changed.
I also feel like there could be underlying guilt on OP's mother's part: If she'd acknowledge that he would suffer if he had to do all it took to let his wife be a SAHW, she'd have to face the fact that her husband might have been unhappy with that, too, and she might see herself in OP's wife and fear the rejection as a "leech", even though the circumstances have changed. I know my mother went into depression after my youngest brother left home, and it was partly for feeling like she was "useless" when there were no children to take care of. We were 5 children, she had my sister in college, youngest brother is about 10 years younger, so it wasn't feasible for her to just "get back out there" after he was in school. She's better now, through therapy and meaningful volunteer work. But anyway, I feel there's more to OP's mother's reaction than is said out loud.
Load More Replies... Go to her parents and say: Your daughter is being mean to me. She won't let me be a stay at home husband.
Who in their right mind wants to be a sahw? Without kids?? I don't get it, I'd be bored out of my mind. I'd also feel crappy for leaching of my husband.
I couldn't work for a year, because of shoulder problems, RSI. I was so bored, I even washed the windows.
Load More Replies...
I'd tell her that she would have to do ALL of the work at home, her duties as well as OPs. Also if they have to save money to make it work it will be HER hobbies and interests that get cut. See how she likes that.
Still not enough to make up for loosing the money. She has no right to have another support her.
Load More Replies...
I would much rather work than be a SAHM, because I honestly think SAHM has the harder job. But a SAHW? I manage to cook and clean with a full-time job - so why on earth would someone need to stay at home to do that, with no kids?
Make an appointment with marriage counselor asap. Being a stay at home is exhausting thankless work. It's a calling for sacrifice to dedicate your existence to care for your children. Your wife may feel that calling after witnessing her friends taking that path and may be needing to know if you'll be supportive of her and your kids. If not then she might need to find a partner who will be. A marriage counselor can help guide both of you to decide if you're still a good match for each other or if you have evolved away from each other's goals.
I respect SAHM. I could never be one - to me, one kid is way harder than my job, no matter how stressful things get. But I really don't get being a SAHW. Taking care of kids is work! But just doing... housework I guess? I do all the housework and make dinner every night with a full time job, so I have a hard time believing you have to be a SAH to do just that, no kids.
This is so wrong. Being a parent, in particular, a mom, is not like disability that you need to prepare for. She's creating an imbalance and being silly with your family about expecting it. She's now opened a Pandora's Box that you can't close. It's very hurtful to you to have to defend yourself. This is a different woman than you married or she's showing a different side. Agreements that you make before becoming serious are commitments and it's very obvious that nothing has changed in your lives to justify her needing to change that. Her term, "You're son's being mean..." is obvious clue that this is a frivolous luxury that she now wants.
For some women SAHM really is about the kid or kids. You stay at home wth them while they are little, to potty train, teach basic life skills like dressing yourself, abc's and numbers. For other women SAHM is a flex that says "look at me I have it all". Meanwhile the husband is working with no time for joys in life. The fact that the wife told this to his family members who have been SAHM's is telling a nasty story. She has no respect for you or the marriage. This woman has no intention of working and she's not to be trusted with anything she says in regards to this issue. Get counseling or be prepared to walk out on the relationship. NTA.
I can see this after you have children but not just to stay at home to tend the freaking house. My grandmother did that but women were encouraged to back in the 30's. I firmly believe that this is why men died before women. This cannot be a unilateral decision on her part.
Anytime one spouse involves one or the other’s family or friends into the marriage, especially if they are just trying to get them on their side, IMHO they have broken one of the most important trust issues in the relationship. Good luck buddy, you’re going to need it because this can only get worse.
I saw something like this happen to a coworker. He and his fiance had agreed to both keep working after they had a child, since they had a number of family members/friends willing to help out, but once she got pregnant, his new wife decided nope! She's going to be a SAHM full-time so he had to take on all the financial responsibilities. Plus she became super clingy with their daughter, to the point where she'd turn down help from said family/friends and even be anxious when HE took care of their child. I dunno what happened to them but by the time we parted ways, you could see the life drained out of him. He was overworked, stressed to the max, worried over money all the time and had lost all love of his job. Meanwhile, she paraded around like a pretty trophy wife with a designer baby accessory. I feel so bad for the kid.
This guy is NTA but I just want to point out that SAHP don't sit round doing nothing. I'm currently paying around £750 a month in child care for three days a week. Depending on your job/how may hours you work it might not be financially worth it. If I was a SAHP I'd be doing all house work/cooking and admin/bills
If I had read this 20 years ago, it wouldn't have chocked me as much, but I never thought there were modern women who felt they have the right to live on a mans money without earning any themselves. Maybe it is different in other countries but here in Denmark her ideas would shock people.
It's hard out here...I'm a single parent raised mine & my sisters 2 while working full time. Anybody that can work should...what if something happens & you can't work. Then what...raising kids is super expensive & God forbid anything happens along the way. My brother plays in the NFL his wife is a Lawyer. She has $ & he has $ they both still work. He comes home as often as he can & when he's home he does the majority of house, kids etc. They work together to make it. My SIL DOES NOT HAVE TO WORK. Stick to your guns on this one.
My mom was a sahm, but it wasn't that she decided it or anything. It ended up being the smarter financial situation for them. With daycare costs and the extra gas and miles it would put on the car, it would be cheaper for my mom to stop working at the credit union she worked at, especially with her parents being in favor of it and offering to pay for the heater fix they needed only if mom didn't work. But that was the early/mid 90s, and dad had a decent job at the time that could cover it. Nowadays they wouldn't have done that, because even with the help they wouldn't have afforded it. Also, mom didn't stop working intill she was over 8 months pregnant. Sounds like the "practice" this guys wife wanted was to hang out with her friends all day long. Like if she was pregnant and neat due or having a rough pregnancy (or it was a job that made it extra difficult like something on your feet all day) it'd at least make more sense, or if the "practice" was helping out one of the SAHMs.
I don't necessarily think she's a horrible, manipulative liar for changing her mind. However, being a SAHM only works if it's treated like a job. As in, there is active management of all household tasks, budget, and resources. It's not lunches, laying around and occasional light cleaning. She'd have to agree to take on ALL domestic chores, no 50/50 split stuff, and come up with systems and plans for running the house on half the budget. Like, I remember my mom getting the weekly grocery store ads and making an elaborate plan of attack regarding shopping (for both short and long term) meal planning, and saving, with an arsenal of coupons and deals. And figuring out a schedule on how to use our one and only car. Every single week. It can be done, but it's a lot more work and a lot less wiggle room than if everyone just has jobs to pay for the fill in. They need a marriage counselor, because wife is turning to outsiders to be heard, and hubby doesn't want to hear any of it at all.
I have zero respect for someone who doesn't want to contribute to the household and instead just sit around at home
He needs to see a divorce lawyer ASAP before she decides to just quit her job to be a SAHW. If he waits and she quits, he may get stuck paying alimony for life.
I have a lot to say on this topic so bear with me. You are nta and not only that, men need to stop feeling like if they are supporting a SAHM that they need to help out w/housework (let me explain, lol). Being married is a partnership; both people need to contribute in order to make the marriage a successful one. If you want to be a sahm, that is a perfectly valid choice but it's one you have to #1 afford and #2 it needs to benefit the marriage and children and #3 be an understanding as to what each person will provide. Part of being a sahm dosn't mean you don't have a job anymore, you're job is just different now. The work needed to run your household and take care of younger children is a huge an overwhelming undertaking sometimes. Ask plenty of sahm's and I promise they'll tell you there are times they'd love to just go to work and clock out and go home and have everything done for them. Housewives help make husbands more successful. (1)
But there's a reason sahm's get alimony if you get divorced and that's because this is an agreement between spouses to have one person leave a career in order to work in the home. Asking someone who is 50 years old to then go out and get a job after a divorce after not having worked for 20 years is unreasonable. Your work is in the home, it's being a maid, dry cleaner, chef, shopper, assistant, and a primary caregiver and this is what you agree to when you make that decision. If you work a 50 hour a week job in order to support your family then you don't have to come home and also do the dishes and vacuuming. But you should try to contribute in the sense that you shouldn't make mom's life harder; no one takes a report you just finished and shreds it and asks you to do it all again, right? So maybe if she just vacuumed and you come in with dirty shoes you can be careful. Put your laundry in the basket. Don't make her job more difficult. (2)
Load More Replies...
NTA I was a SAHM on and off from 1998 to 2010. My exhusband and I both decided that I should be a SAHM especially while our children were young. He worked two jobs for about a year to ease us into a one income family. It didn't help. Nothing makes being a one income family easy. We were in a car wreck during my first pregnancy and I was put on bed rest because of it (1998). Six months (2000) after our second child I went back to work full time for my sanity and we needed a new vehicle. When I was pregnant with our third child (2002) I was put on bed rest because I developed peri cardiomyopathy. Two years after birth 3 I again went back to work. A few months later we separated (2004) so I had to continue working. I stopped working completely in 2010 because of respiratory failure. My partner was supportive and provided for me and my three children.
Your are NTA and other make valid comments. However we are in an age where stay at home parents do not have to be income less. There many options she can explorer that will replace or even surpass her current income and make her dream of staying home reality. This may even take the burden off of you to earn as much and allow a more balanced work /home life. Plus it does help with the what if one looses their income in an unstable economy or injury/illness happens. Nothing wrong with discussing this with her but letting her know that she will still need to provide for the family and asking her to explore how she can propose to that.
He can always send his stuff to The cleaners for pressing. I don't know why men think that you're a magician and can do 10 things at once
Okay what the hell is a sahw? Like seriously? That's crazy. She doesn't need to do that. She sounds pretty crappy and lazy. Like seriously. The only way she should do that is when she becomes pregnant. There is no other reason for her to do that until then. So just bc she sees other people doing that she has to? What is she is middle school. If all the other wives were having affairs would she jump on that bandwagon too? She needs to grow up. She should not become that until she gets pregnant. Even then she can still work. And tell your mom and sisters to stay out of it unless they wanna pay all of your bills. I would even send them receipts to show them how serious you ate about it bc they can comment and make your feel awful, then they can contribute. If they don't wanna pay tell them to shut up. If they wanna continue to harp on you then go NC. That will show them to stay out of your marriage. You are NTA and your wife needs a reality check. For sure.
I get that OP wants to focus on their Mom and sister, but the wife is the problem here: she wants to radically modify a substantial agreement she made before marriage. OP should get out of the marriage now, before kids are involved (and, hopefully, before the financial penalties are too difficult).
I, my sister, my friends and now my daughter and DILs work full time while also raising the kids and being loving wives. I actually worked 2 additional jobs once. My kids got into middle school. Just why should I have not done so? Guess I never had the princess mentality so prevalent today.And YES...our home was/is very clean and always cooked at home.
Dude, you need to run the hell out of that relation... if you agreed on something so fundamental before getting married, and now she has "a change of heart", she's no longer the person you married with, and she sounds super manipulative and that she just want to be maintained... run like hell and find someone who shares your views... And, speaking as a childfree person, think looong and hard about if you really want to have kids, but, like REALLY think about it, the pros, the cons, everything... kids will ALWAYS be a heavy burden, physically, economically and mentally... you can have a really wonderful and full life without kids too...
Nothing wrong with either viewpoint but they just aren’t compatible.
I noticed that most of the young women who were near my age seemed to plan everything. They planned with their spouses and planned with their small group of friends. An older lady saw it. She said that she had never seen anything like it. They had everything planned up to retirement. They never returned to work after going on maternity leave. The few that weren't in their group returned and grand parents were baby sitters. Your wife may have been trying to get pregnant all along. Her work friends probably suggested she stay home to make it work. There is probably some motive behind staying home before a child ever enters the picture. Maybe she wants to practice being a housewife and make a nest. Take some advice from some of the comments. Prevent pregnancy and see who or what is influencing her new ambition. Dispose of condoms in a way that she wont be tempted to use a used one to help guarantee a baby. Your experience with your father being tired all the time and sleeping.th
You people are so quick to divorce. The guy seems rather responsible and thinking coldly about his options. Maybe talking to the wife can change things for them. Maybe cutting her from privileges could work. However, she can always change her mind after giving birth to the baby or babies, because some women love a child too much to leave it. It happens and you shouldn't separate a mother and a child if they have this bond. She could try working from home, having her own business etc. If a child is disabled, then what? She'd have to stay at home. But even then, her husband shouldn't be forced to take 2 jobs and kill himself. One salary, lower living standards, sorry. There's no reason for her to sit at home NOW unless they both agreed. But unless she is a toxic cheating pig, hold your horses with a divorce.
They're on completely different pages, and she's using his family against him to get what she wants. She discussed this major milestone with him before marriage, and he said no. She changed her mind, but he didn't. It shouldn't be a gambling game, about the couples financial, and emotional status, when children's lives are part of the equation.
Load More Replies...
Yikes! This comment section does not pass the vibe check. I am currently exploring being a SAHW (my husband and I don't want kids). My husband has SEVERE ADD (and possible autism) which makes it a huge struggle for me to manage working and maintaining a household (not having kids doesn't mean there are zero responsibilities at home). Obviously, my situation may be different from OP's, but it really irks me to know that I may to be labeled as "useless" or a "lazy goldigger' who just "doesn't want to work", when in reality being a SAHW may be the best option for us to have a long, happy, and healthy marriage.
Yeah I'm not sure why people went that far with their statements. The wife is being manipulative, and they may not be compatible partners, but SAHW/SAHM doesn't necessarily mean the couple is unhappy, or unbalanced. The main thing that matters that the couple is on the same page, and neither feels abused, neglected, or manipulated. The wife seems to be trying to manipulate the husband, which is where their marriage starts to fall apart; the rest is just people deciding personal preferences are one-size-fits all.
Load More Replies...
I feel he should reverse the tables on her: would you she be willing to support him if he wanted to be a stay at home husband? This arrangement is outdated for a reason; women can work more jobs than just a teacher, secretary, or nurse anymore and I don't even know anyone who can afford for only one spouse to work/not work. They need a serious sit down where he points out the financials. I guarantee she'd think differently without their streaming services, quality internet, and other things both of their paychecks are needed to provide for.
Each couple can choose how they want to live. I wouldn't shame couples who like one partner working/one at home if both are happy. The problem here is that they don't agree. Heck, some people live polygamous lives, these days. It's all about respecting boundaries.
Load More Replies...
OP's wife turned 30. That can do a number on a woman's mind when they're considering whether or not they want children, because the clock is ticking for them. Used condoms can also make babies if someone who wants to get pregnant gets a hold of them, btw... NTA OP but you should run.
The prep for change to SAHW is clear, reduce expenses to the husbands income and put ALL of wife’s income into a long term savings/emergency medical fund that can only be accessed by two approvals.
Lol to all these you can't live on one income comments. Upgrade yourself. My wife is a SAHM, 2 cars, new house, new boat. Budget, get a good job. You never know if you'll love another job more then where you are now. If you have zero skills, then no it's not for you.
I think there is more to the story. I bet there was an agreement or conversation about after a few years of hard work they'd start planning for kids or she could stay home. I think maybe his prospects didn't pan out as planned. More to it.
Being a SAHW or SAHM isn't common anymore not because of a fashion trend but often because people can't afford it. I assume everyone in the story knows his situation at work - for them to still tell him to "make it happen" anyway is incredibly arrogant. I'd be setting very clear boundaries and be reconsidering my relationship to all of them. Totally nta.
She just doesn't want to work. How is staying home and not working and having no child to care for preparing her to be a SAHM? In this day and age, you really want to get by on one salary when you don't have to?
When I tried dating as a single mom with 3 small kids, the only guys who were interested were the ones who wanted to become a househusband. I work part time and when I work, the kids are with my ex. Those guys really wanted to clean the house, cook and not work, but live on my income and I was a bit desperate, so I almost did it, but luckily my brain returned from a holiday in time and I went to the pet store and bought a rabbit instead for company.
Load More Replies... His wife deceived him, his sister and mother are hypocrites. I would advise him to change wife as long as they don't have children yet, it will be easier and less traumatic. However, in general, I find that older people living on generous pensions have no idea how the financial situation of the younger generations has changed.
I also feel like there could be underlying guilt on OP's mother's part: If she'd acknowledge that he would suffer if he had to do all it took to let his wife be a SAHW, she'd have to face the fact that her husband might have been unhappy with that, too, and she might see herself in OP's wife and fear the rejection as a "leech", even though the circumstances have changed. I know my mother went into depression after my youngest brother left home, and it was partly for feeling like she was "useless" when there were no children to take care of. We were 5 children, she had my sister in college, youngest brother is about 10 years younger, so it wasn't feasible for her to just "get back out there" after he was in school. She's better now, through therapy and meaningful volunteer work. But anyway, I feel there's more to OP's mother's reaction than is said out loud.
Load More Replies... Go to her parents and say: Your daughter is being mean to me. She won't let me be a stay at home husband.
Who in their right mind wants to be a sahw? Without kids?? I don't get it, I'd be bored out of my mind. I'd also feel crappy for leaching of my husband.
I couldn't work for a year, because of shoulder problems, RSI. I was so bored, I even washed the windows.
Load More Replies... I'd tell her that she would have to do ALL of the work at home, her duties as well as OPs. Also if they have to save money to make it work it will be HER hobbies and interests that get cut. See how she likes that.
Still not enough to make up for loosing the money. She has no right to have another support her.
Load More Replies... I would much rather work than be a SAHM, because I honestly think SAHM has the harder job. But a SAHW? I manage to cook and clean with a full-time job - so why on earth would someone need to stay at home to do that, with no kids?
Make an appointment with marriage counselor asap. Being a stay at home is exhausting thankless work. It's a calling for sacrifice to dedicate your existence to care for your children. Your wife may feel that calling after witnessing her friends taking that path and may be needing to know if you'll be supportive of her and your kids. If not then she might need to find a partner who will be. A marriage counselor can help guide both of you to decide if you're still a good match for each other or if you have evolved away from each other's goals.
I respect SAHM. I could never be one - to me, one kid is way harder than my job, no matter how stressful things get. But I really don't get being a SAHW. Taking care of kids is work! But just doing... housework I guess? I do all the housework and make dinner every night with a full time job, so I have a hard time believing you have to be a SAH to do just that, no kids.
This is so wrong. Being a parent, in particular, a mom, is not like disability that you need to prepare for. She's creating an imbalance and being silly with your family about expecting it. She's now opened a Pandora's Box that you can't close. It's very hurtful to you to have to defend yourself. This is a different woman than you married or she's showing a different side. Agreements that you make before becoming serious are commitments and it's very obvious that nothing has changed in your lives to justify her needing to change that. Her term, "You're son's being mean..." is obvious clue that this is a frivolous luxury that she now wants.
For some women SAHM really is about the kid or kids. You stay at home wth them while they are little, to potty train, teach basic life skills like dressing yourself, abc's and numbers. For other women SAHM is a flex that says "look at me I have it all". Meanwhile the husband is working with no time for joys in life. The fact that the wife told this to his family members who have been SAHM's is telling a nasty story. She has no respect for you or the marriage. This woman has no intention of working and she's not to be trusted with anything she says in regards to this issue. Get counseling or be prepared to walk out on the relationship. NTA.
I can see this after you have children but not just to stay at home to tend the freaking house. My grandmother did that but women were encouraged to back in the 30's. I firmly believe that this is why men died before women. This cannot be a unilateral decision on her part.
Anytime one spouse involves one or the other’s family or friends into the marriage, especially if they are just trying to get them on their side, IMHO they have broken one of the most important trust issues in the relationship. Good luck buddy, you’re going to need it because this can only get worse.
I saw something like this happen to a coworker. He and his fiance had agreed to both keep working after they had a child, since they had a number of family members/friends willing to help out, but once she got pregnant, his new wife decided nope! She's going to be a SAHM full-time so he had to take on all the financial responsibilities. Plus she became super clingy with their daughter, to the point where she'd turn down help from said family/friends and even be anxious when HE took care of their child. I dunno what happened to them but by the time we parted ways, you could see the life drained out of him. He was overworked, stressed to the max, worried over money all the time and had lost all love of his job. Meanwhile, she paraded around like a pretty trophy wife with a designer baby accessory. I feel so bad for the kid.
This guy is NTA but I just want to point out that SAHP don't sit round doing nothing. I'm currently paying around £750 a month in child care for three days a week. Depending on your job/how may hours you work it might not be financially worth it. If I was a SAHP I'd be doing all house work/cooking and admin/bills
If I had read this 20 years ago, it wouldn't have chocked me as much, but I never thought there were modern women who felt they have the right to live on a mans money without earning any themselves. Maybe it is different in other countries but here in Denmark her ideas would shock people.
It's hard out here...I'm a single parent raised mine & my sisters 2 while working full time. Anybody that can work should...what if something happens & you can't work. Then what...raising kids is super expensive & God forbid anything happens along the way. My brother plays in the NFL his wife is a Lawyer. She has $ & he has $ they both still work. He comes home as often as he can & when he's home he does the majority of house, kids etc. They work together to make it. My SIL DOES NOT HAVE TO WORK. Stick to your guns on this one.
My mom was a sahm, but it wasn't that she decided it or anything. It ended up being the smarter financial situation for them. With daycare costs and the extra gas and miles it would put on the car, it would be cheaper for my mom to stop working at the credit union she worked at, especially with her parents being in favor of it and offering to pay for the heater fix they needed only if mom didn't work. But that was the early/mid 90s, and dad had a decent job at the time that could cover it. Nowadays they wouldn't have done that, because even with the help they wouldn't have afforded it. Also, mom didn't stop working intill she was over 8 months pregnant. Sounds like the "practice" this guys wife wanted was to hang out with her friends all day long. Like if she was pregnant and neat due or having a rough pregnancy (or it was a job that made it extra difficult like something on your feet all day) it'd at least make more sense, or if the "practice" was helping out one of the SAHMs.
I don't necessarily think she's a horrible, manipulative liar for changing her mind. However, being a SAHM only works if it's treated like a job. As in, there is active management of all household tasks, budget, and resources. It's not lunches, laying around and occasional light cleaning. She'd have to agree to take on ALL domestic chores, no 50/50 split stuff, and come up with systems and plans for running the house on half the budget. Like, I remember my mom getting the weekly grocery store ads and making an elaborate plan of attack regarding shopping (for both short and long term) meal planning, and saving, with an arsenal of coupons and deals. And figuring out a schedule on how to use our one and only car. Every single week. It can be done, but it's a lot more work and a lot less wiggle room than if everyone just has jobs to pay for the fill in. They need a marriage counselor, because wife is turning to outsiders to be heard, and hubby doesn't want to hear any of it at all.
I have zero respect for someone who doesn't want to contribute to the household and instead just sit around at home
He needs to see a divorce lawyer ASAP before she decides to just quit her job to be a SAHW. If he waits and she quits, he may get stuck paying alimony for life.
I have a lot to say on this topic so bear with me. You are nta and not only that, men need to stop feeling like if they are supporting a SAHM that they need to help out w/housework (let me explain, lol). Being married is a partnership; both people need to contribute in order to make the marriage a successful one. If you want to be a sahm, that is a perfectly valid choice but it's one you have to #1 afford and #2 it needs to benefit the marriage and children and #3 be an understanding as to what each person will provide. Part of being a sahm dosn't mean you don't have a job anymore, you're job is just different now. The work needed to run your household and take care of younger children is a huge an overwhelming undertaking sometimes. Ask plenty of sahm's and I promise they'll tell you there are times they'd love to just go to work and clock out and go home and have everything done for them. Housewives help make husbands more successful. (1)
But there's a reason sahm's get alimony if you get divorced and that's because this is an agreement between spouses to have one person leave a career in order to work in the home. Asking someone who is 50 years old to then go out and get a job after a divorce after not having worked for 20 years is unreasonable. Your work is in the home, it's being a maid, dry cleaner, chef, shopper, assistant, and a primary caregiver and this is what you agree to when you make that decision. If you work a 50 hour a week job in order to support your family then you don't have to come home and also do the dishes and vacuuming. But you should try to contribute in the sense that you shouldn't make mom's life harder; no one takes a report you just finished and shreds it and asks you to do it all again, right? So maybe if she just vacuumed and you come in with dirty shoes you can be careful. Put your laundry in the basket. Don't make her job more difficult. (2)
Load More Replies... NTA I was a SAHM on and off from 1998 to 2010. My exhusband and I both decided that I should be a SAHM especially while our children were young. He worked two jobs for about a year to ease us into a one income family. It didn't help. Nothing makes being a one income family easy. We were in a car wreck during my first pregnancy and I was put on bed rest because of it (1998). Six months (2000) after our second child I went back to work full time for my sanity and we needed a new vehicle. When I was pregnant with our third child (2002) I was put on bed rest because I developed peri cardiomyopathy. Two years after birth 3 I again went back to work. A few months later we separated (2004) so I had to continue working. I stopped working completely in 2010 because of respiratory failure. My partner was supportive and provided for me and my three children.
Your are NTA and other make valid comments. However we are in an age where stay at home parents do not have to be income less. There many options she can explorer that will replace or even surpass her current income and make her dream of staying home reality. This may even take the burden off of you to earn as much and allow a more balanced work /home life. Plus it does help with the what if one looses their income in an unstable economy or injury/illness happens. Nothing wrong with discussing this with her but letting her know that she will still need to provide for the family and asking her to explore how she can propose to that.
He can always send his stuff to The cleaners for pressing. I don't know why men think that you're a magician and can do 10 things at once
Okay what the hell is a sahw? Like seriously? That's crazy. She doesn't need to do that. She sounds pretty crappy and lazy. Like seriously. The only way she should do that is when she becomes pregnant. There is no other reason for her to do that until then. So just bc she sees other people doing that she has to? What is she is middle school. If all the other wives were having affairs would she jump on that bandwagon too? She needs to grow up. She should not become that until she gets pregnant. Even then she can still work. And tell your mom and sisters to stay out of it unless they wanna pay all of your bills. I would even send them receipts to show them how serious you ate about it bc they can comment and make your feel awful, then they can contribute. If they don't wanna pay tell them to shut up. If they wanna continue to harp on you then go NC. That will show them to stay out of your marriage. You are NTA and your wife needs a reality check. For sure.
I get that OP wants to focus on their Mom and sister, but the wife is the problem here: she wants to radically modify a substantial agreement she made before marriage. OP should get out of the marriage now, before kids are involved (and, hopefully, before the financial penalties are too difficult).
I, my sister, my friends and now my daughter and DILs work full time while also raising the kids and being loving wives. I actually worked 2 additional jobs once. My kids got into middle school. Just why should I have not done so? Guess I never had the princess mentality so prevalent today.And YES...our home was/is very clean and always cooked at home.
Dude, you need to run the hell out of that relation... if you agreed on something so fundamental before getting married, and now she has "a change of heart", she's no longer the person you married with, and she sounds super manipulative and that she just want to be maintained... run like hell and find someone who shares your views... And, speaking as a childfree person, think looong and hard about if you really want to have kids, but, like REALLY think about it, the pros, the cons, everything... kids will ALWAYS be a heavy burden, physically, economically and mentally... you can have a really wonderful and full life without kids too...
Nothing wrong with either viewpoint but they just aren’t compatible.
I noticed that most of the young women who were near my age seemed to plan everything. They planned with their spouses and planned with their small group of friends. An older lady saw it. She said that she had never seen anything like it. They had everything planned up to retirement. They never returned to work after going on maternity leave. The few that weren't in their group returned and grand parents were baby sitters. Your wife may have been trying to get pregnant all along. Her work friends probably suggested she stay home to make it work. There is probably some motive behind staying home before a child ever enters the picture. Maybe she wants to practice being a housewife and make a nest. Take some advice from some of the comments. Prevent pregnancy and see who or what is influencing her new ambition. Dispose of condoms in a way that she wont be tempted to use a used one to help guarantee a baby. Your experience with your father being tired all the time and sleeping.th
You people are so quick to divorce. The guy seems rather responsible and thinking coldly about his options. Maybe talking to the wife can change things for them. Maybe cutting her from privileges could work. However, she can always change her mind after giving birth to the baby or babies, because some women love a child too much to leave it. It happens and you shouldn't separate a mother and a child if they have this bond. She could try working from home, having her own business etc. If a child is disabled, then what? She'd have to stay at home. But even then, her husband shouldn't be forced to take 2 jobs and kill himself. One salary, lower living standards, sorry. There's no reason for her to sit at home NOW unless they both agreed. But unless she is a toxic cheating pig, hold your horses with a divorce.
They're on completely different pages, and she's using his family against him to get what she wants. She discussed this major milestone with him before marriage, and he said no. She changed her mind, but he didn't. It shouldn't be a gambling game, about the couples financial, and emotional status, when children's lives are part of the equation.
Load More Replies... Yikes! This comment section does not pass the vibe check. I am currently exploring being a SAHW (my husband and I don't want kids). My husband has SEVERE ADD (and possible autism) which makes it a huge struggle for me to manage working and maintaining a household (not having kids doesn't mean there are zero responsibilities at home). Obviously, my situation may be different from OP's, but it really irks me to know that I may to be labeled as "useless" or a "lazy goldigger' who just "doesn't want to work", when in reality being a SAHW may be the best option for us to have a long, happy, and healthy marriage.
Yeah I'm not sure why people went that far with their statements. The wife is being manipulative, and they may not be compatible partners, but SAHW/SAHM doesn't necessarily mean the couple is unhappy, or unbalanced. The main thing that matters that the couple is on the same page, and neither feels abused, neglected, or manipulated. The wife seems to be trying to manipulate the husband, which is where their marriage starts to fall apart; the rest is just people deciding personal preferences are one-size-fits all.
Load More Replies... I feel he should reverse the tables on her: would you she be willing to support him if he wanted to be a stay at home husband? This arrangement is outdated for a reason; women can work more jobs than just a teacher, secretary, or nurse anymore and I don't even know anyone who can afford for only one spouse to work/not work. They need a serious sit down where he points out the financials. I guarantee she'd think differently without their streaming services, quality internet, and other things both of their paychecks are needed to provide for.
Each couple can choose how they want to live. I wouldn't shame couples who like one partner working/one at home if both are happy. The problem here is that they don't agree. Heck, some people live polygamous lives, these days. It's all about respecting boundaries.
Load More Replies... OP's wife turned 30. That can do a number on a woman's mind when they're considering whether or not they want children, because the clock is ticking for them. Used condoms can also make babies if someone who wants to get pregnant gets a hold of them, btw... NTA OP but you should run.
The prep for change to SAHW is clear, reduce expenses to the husbands income and put ALL of wife’s income into a long term savings/emergency medical fund that can only be accessed by two approvals.
Lol to all these you can't live on one income comments. Upgrade yourself. My wife is a SAHM, 2 cars, new house, new boat. Budget, get a good job. You never know if you'll love another job more then where you are now. If you have zero skills, then no it's not for you.
I think there is more to the story. I bet there was an agreement or conversation about after a few years of hard work they'd start planning for kids or she could stay home. I think maybe his prospects didn't pan out as planned. More to it.
95
67