Woman Stops Cleaning Up After Her BF To Teach Him A Lesson, And He Instantly Gets Annoyed By It
No two people are exactly alike. This means that living under the same roof with someone requires compromise. You know, working on your imperfections so you don’t make the person you want to be with miserable. Or even worse, scare them off.
But not everyone is willing to. Reddit user u/annabananakittycat used to clean up after her boyfriend and she had gotten sick and tired of it. Eventually, she confronted him but the guy wasn’t listening. In order to highlight her point, u/annabananakittycat stopped being the mom of the home and began caring just for herself.
At first, it looked like her plan worked. Her BF got annoyed by their new everyday life quite fast. But then, he still didn’t get the message — he didn’t change. This confused u/annabananakittycat. She was no longer sure whether the way she handled the situation was OK or not. So she made a post to describe her story and ask people for advice. Here it is.
Image credits: gratuit (not the actual image)
The situation, however, isn’t black and white. u/annabananakittycat has been together with her boyfriend for about seven years now. “We have a lot of fun together and make each other laugh often,” the Redditor told Bored Panda. “We just grew up differently and I’ve always been the organizer and his mom took care of everything. Also, he does have ADD (I saw some of the comments asked) but he is not being treated for it. He’s like that with pretty much everything. I don’t think he has an ill motive, but it’s still annoying.”
She added that her partner “is pretty bad at compromising and not being in control.” u/annabananakittycat considers it to be their biggest issue. “We’re both control freaks. I’m not free of the blame.”
Since added that her partner been working on it since their last bad fight over it. “Right now, I think we’re relatively stable. The chicken in the pantry thing nearly tipped me over the edge though. He’s lost my car keys numerous times and one time I had to get a vehicle towed to the dealership because he lost both keys. So now I refuse to let him touch the keys ever,” she explained, laughing.
Of course, every situation is different and we can’t really know what u/annabananakittycat’s boyfriend or their relationship is like just from reading this post but David Bedrick, J.D., Dipl. PW, said that in his experience as a therapist and attorney, individuals who are resistant to compromise do not need more pressure to compromise, but instead more support for their resistance.
For example, Bedrick suggests considering this situation: “You and I are planning to meet for a cup of coffee around noon. You say you’d rather meet at 11:30 am; I respond saying that 11:30 am is a bit early for me given my schedule and I’d prefer noon,” he wrote in Psychology Today. “If you and I have no strong feelings or reasons not to compromise, we may decide on 11:45 am. Win-win; no problem.”
But if you have always been willing to make reasonable compromises and the other person has regularly failed to carry out your agreed times to meet, then you have a good reason to not go along with the resolution, Bedrick pointed out.
“In addition, if I am regularly not following through on our agreements, I too may have good reasons to not go along with the compromised agreements. If a counselor were to support your resistance by saying, ‘I bet you have good reason to not agree to a compromise, please say more about this,’ you might describe our prior history.”
“If the counselor said to me, ‘It appears you are regularly unable to show up at the appointed time, I bet you have good reasons for that to be true,’ I might say, ‘I have been orienting my schedule every day for the last ten years around other people and what they want. I’m tired of it!’ Going further to resolve this conflict would mean helping me not agree so readily to meet at times that don’t really work for me and helping you be less agreeable to meeting times when you are not convinced I will show up on time. In short, a psychological solution is the exact opposite of the compromise solution – we need support for our resistance to compromise and encouragement to be less agreeable.”
To be sustainable, Bedrick argued, “resolutions to relationship conflicts need to support people’s resistance so that the individuals and their relationships can grow and both people can learn more about each other. In this way, relationship conflicts are not merely problems to resolve; like arrows, they point to the next step on the paths of relationships.” An interesting thought to end with, for sure.
Here’s what people think about the situation
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The answer to give when he asks where something is would be "It's where you left it". You are NTA
That guy sounds like my teenage son. And while I dearly love my son, no way would I want to be in a relationship with someone who reminds me of ... well, a teenager.
I hope you teach him how to care for himself and be a self sufficient adult.
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Someone in the Reddit comments points out that this is "strategic incompetence". It's been covered before - essentially boiling down to "if I do this really badly, she'll pick up the pieces and wont ask me to do it again". What's more concerning is a reply to this comment which says "other men have literally told me that they do this. If it's a men only convo and they don't realise that I'm gay, other men have literally tried to teach me how to fake incompetence at important tasks until the nearest woman takes over."
Agreed on the 'strategic incompetence', but I don't think that's the case with this guy. I think this is a spoiled rotten, entitled, selfish S*O*B who will never change. I was married to a man like this - only child, his father was on the road all week for work, and his mom literally did everything for him that he wanted. If my ex wanted a hot dog for lunch & she didn't have any, she got in the car & went to the store to get them! 40+ years later, I still thank the powers that be that I left him when I did!
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Just break up with each other. This, to me, demonstrates a deep difference in how they approach life. Get out now before a kid is involved.
I mean, if you have to resort to this kind of game-playing because your partner is so selfish, is the relationship really worth the effort?
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how can you even think you’re at fault in this situation?? your bf is acting like a toddler
/r/AITA is mostly posts by people who know they're in the right, but are seeking validation from internet strangers
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It's been my experience that people like him don't change. They just get worse as they get older. Sometimes, out of frustration at their own incompetence, they become violent. If I were her, I'd pack my bags and leave yesterday!
yep. I don't play no games anymore. that's exactly what it is, a game; "ehh, why bother, she/he will do it". No. I will not.
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We got a coffee machine. My boyfriend told my parents how great this machine was because it had enough water in it for 10-15 coffees... It made me so angry. From that moment I refused to fill it with water all the time and now he knows it's only enough for 3-4!!!
My husband and I have this argument all the time. He drinks 3 to 6 large cups of coffee a day. He has to fill it up after two. I was using it to make my tea but have since gotten a kettle. I drink two small cups a day and he was constantly saying I never fill the water. Now I don't use it and he's still getting upset. Lol
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I think this is major red flag here, if instead of doing things which are not done (cat food scoop, tp, qtips, etc.) he's getting mad and fighting, let it go. He thinks it's entirely your job and will never realize he's part of the home as well. Some guys don't think about it, but i can't imagine decent human being go fighting that his girlfriend stopped cleaning after him. It's two of you, in household, shouldn't feel like it's you and a toddler, while a lot of these things even toddler wouldn't do.
From an update, it sounds as if she does want to leave, but there are other things to deal with beforehand.
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I married a guy like this 30 years ago and they never change. He has other wonderful qualities but this to this day drives me crazy. You cannot get him to change. Accept or move on...
But they can change. When my dad ran out of clean socks and underwear because he never put them in the laundry basket, he finally got it. No matter how tired or drunk he was those items always made it into the laundry after that.
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Dump him. Men like this are just looking for a mommy they can f*ck. And there is nothing sexy about a man who insists on acting like a helpless child. He knows what he's doing, He just has zero respect for you. Dump him, he is absolutely useless.
DTMFA. This guy has no respect for you or for his home. You don't need this. If you stay with this idiot, then you are going to be his servant for the rest of your life. If you have kids, is he going to be leaving poopy diapers on the floor, or is he just going to let the baby go unchanged? ...///... You've talked about it. He knows what the problems are. He CHOOSES to be a slob, even knowing that it upsets you. This is just the beginning. Get out now and find yourself a grownup.
I read on a bit further and someone else pointed out that he has standards - he's just holding only his gf to them. He wants a nice home, he just wants only *her* to provide it. He's a 38 year old man child (age taken from the reddit comment thread, I've not made it up)
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Parents must teach kids to clean up behind themselves! I think this is an example of someone who had no responsibilities at home, or was taught that a woman's role was to clean up behind him. My ex would not put his dirty clothes (which I washed) in the hamper. He'd just drop them on the floor. Nothing I said worked. So I stopped picking them up and only washed what was in the hamper (my stuff). I'd pile his in a corner. One day he was looking for a clean shirt to wear, asked me about it, and I said, "hmm,..I washed all the clothes that were in the hamper. Did you check that corner over there?" Fixed it.
I'm glad he learned. One of my colleagues, from a culture where only women do housework, makes her three sons help with housework. I told her, "Good. You're preparing them for the Canadian market. No one will want a man who can't help around the house." One of them has an extra asset: he makes amazing brownies. :)
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So many relationships the spouse ( often the woman) thinks they can change them. Once we get married he'll change or I can change him. No. It doesn't work that way. At 38 he is who he is and obviously has no intention of trying. It's also obvious that he has very little (no?) respect for you. You can have a relationship without some things, but you can't have a successful, happy one without respect. Please don't live in hope he'll change. He won't. Compromise? He doesn't know the meaning of the word. Do you and your life a big favor. Either you pack up and get the h€!! Out of there while you can. Or, you could take care of his stuff for him since he can't. Out it goes. Figure it out Mr. I dont know the complexities, but please find a way to get out now.
My ex husband, when we were still married, once made a joke about women not being able to put petrol in a car. Guess who never filled the tank again.
The cat scoop and utensils issue seems minor, but the shopping bags! I'd be so pissed off.
The cat scoop and utensil thing is minor when its occasional. Now imagine ever single time you feed your pet and every single time you need to cook you have to hunt for the tools you need ... I imagine it stops being minor pretty soon.
Load More Replies... She's well within her rights, and I hope she moves out soon, some couples are just happier with separate living spaces. (Or totally separate, non-coupled lives.) The only downside to this is that in the long run it means the household is organized Mr. Boyfriend's way, things are where he puts them and if she stays, eventually his habits will become their habits - groceries just stay in the grocery bag and so on. It looks like she has a choice between doing things her way or accepting the way the BF does them... this policy won't result in the BF things doing her way.
But Mr Boyfriend doesn't even like *his* way of doing things and organising things. He's decided on a standard, but he wants only his GF to maintain them. It becomes *her* fault if things aren't put away - not because that's his way of doing things, but because he wants things done her way, just not by him.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. But that being said, why is one person doing the grocery shopping and also expected to put it all away? Maybe there's a place to start a discussion about partnership there. Grocery shopping can be completely exhausting, especially wearing a mask. When I shop, my partner does the bulk of the putting away when I get back, and vice versa. We're real adults so also check the use by dates and plan the week's meals accordingly, but that took a while to get into a habit.
They might both do the grocery shopping and then he's abdicating the rest of the work when he gets home.
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I was hoping this story ended something like, "So I broke up with him and moved out because I realized I didn't want to be with a man-boy."
According to the follow-up, it is Plan B and making its way to the top of the list. She just needs to deal with a few other things first.
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NTA: Your boyfriend is broken... do not fix... replace!
Ugh, my husband has the bad habit of putting things DOWN instead of AWAY. Then he bitches that the house is a cluttered mess. Nah, dude, it's just your stuff. My stuff ALWAYS goes back to its place.
Forget about replacing the toilet paper roll. Replace the boyfriend. This kind of assholery is rarely exclusive to one issue.
Do you want to live with a man or with a forever-teenager? (ie, do you want to be treated like a woman or like a mum/maid).
ESH, though him moreso. If this is causing so much strife, and he's not willing to adjust his behavior, you should be looking at leaving not just trying to train him like some pet. A relationship only works if BOTH people are invested in it, in improving themselves, in cooperation, and most importantly in two-way conversation. He's the AH because he's clearly not invested, and YTA because you think you can force change on a person. Leave the AH and find someone better for you.
Looks like someone who was used to having someone do everything for him. I think it’s time we started educating women who are raising kids like him.
He’s 38 years old. I’m not blaming women who raise children for the actions of a 38 year old man. In the 20 years since he reached the age of majority, he’s had enough time to educate himself.
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If he's like this now, imagine what it will be like when you have kids, and have a bit of a think about that.
THe OP is still with this guy??? Wake up to the immaturity and his need for a momager and get the hell out of there
If both of you are at the point that neither of you thinks the other is worth the effort, you should just call it quits... A healthy relationship is never 50/50...it is 100/100. If TP, swabs, & scoops are that big of a deal, do each other a favor and find someone you think is worth taking care of ! We have been together 50 years ~ we both still enjoy taking care of each other!
This BS has been called several things, but the one I hear most ofter is "weaponized incompetence". He is intentionally screwing stuff up so you'll either pick up his stuff behind him, or at the very least, stop complaining about it. Give him back to mommy and daddy because either they did not do their job properly, or he is defective, or both...NTA.
It's called Weaponized Incompetence. He is deliberately doing this so that you walk around clearing up after him. Don't use one more second of your life with this waste of space. Give him an ultimatum. He either clears/cleans up after himself, or he's no longer your boyfriend. I'm sure you can do MUCH better than this toddler.
I 63m had some friends like that growing up and there was always a common theme! They learned that behavior from their father and/or a mom that enabled it by tolerating it. I'm guessing he doesn't put his dirty laundry where it belongs either. If that's the case, stop doing his laundry if it's not where it belongs. Let him spend his money on a wash and fold service at a laundromat. He is getting annoyed because he expects her to act like his mom and probably 100% believes she is at fault. He is unlikely to change and may even start some new petty passive-aggressive behaviors. She doesn't need to fix him, she needs a replacement for him.
He sounds ADHD. Like, he genuinely doesn't notice, and isn't doing it to "punish" her or anything. He simply seems incapable of making the small adjustments a normal person would in the face of annoyance/ inconvenience. A regular person doing the "purposeful incompetence" thing would have adjusted and started replacing the toilet paper and putting the scoop back by now. He has not. He just learned to live without toilet paper. They should hire a cleaner, or the resentment on both sides will end them.
He is never going to change. After 7 years you'd think she'd realize that. So she can either do all the work or move out. Period!
I would like to see what he did with the missing toilet paper roll. Did he find a roll and used it and then returned it back to where it was so there was again no toilet paper at the toilet? Does he play the same game as his wife? I would say a normal person would notice the first time the cat food wasn't at the correct shelf and changed their behavior. I agree with others here that this guy is probably a lost cause.NTA of course
I (52, f) live with two brothers (59 + 56) and my son (22) in a house. I do most of the housework as I am not a professional ... however I refuse to clean up after them like they are kids. I once hung up a note in the bathroom, telling that they have to use the toilet brush if necessary ... and that the toilet paper doesn't magically go into the bathroom by itself, when the roll is empty. I don't know how my mother managed to stay sane, when I was little. I have 5 older brothers ... and at some point, we all lived in the house!
My father found rather quickly what my mom "did all day" when she stopped doing it for two weeks: laundry, dishes, vacuuming, picking up after him, paying the bills, grocery shopping, pet care, etc. Guess he thought the socks he left on the floor magically appeared in the washer, folded themselves, and climbed in his dresser drawer. Groceries magically appeared in the refridgerator, cooked themselves, and washed the dishes. The vacuum got all the dog hair tumbleweeds in the hall, the house cleaned itself, and the bills magically got paid by themselves. Remember, this was in the late 70's. No roomba, no computer, no autopay. He got to sit down after a 7 hr. day at a machine that basically ran itself while she was still cooking dinner and doing housework.
My ex was similar to this but in a more "life skills" kind of way. He replaced TP rolls, but could never remember to let me know when he'd used the last one (or anything else that went on a grocery list). But the main reason our relationship broke down was when I stopped running interference for him. No, I'm not rescheduling a very important meeting to go to YOUR son's parent/teacher conference (I worked full time & he worked from home). No I will not leave work early so YOUR daughter can borrow MY car (like he even had the nerve to ask - I didn't let HIM drive my car) things in this vein. I just stopped and made him responsible for himself instead of always "fixing" things for him. Yeah, it ruined our relationship of 12 years, but I finally got sick of being expected to do EVERYTHING, shopping, cooking, cleaning on top of a very demanding job. It was actually a relief when we broke up.
Of course conversation is always preferable. However, if you have discussed this with him and he persist, then yeah, you are no TA. The grocery and tp thing he needs to grow out of. You could also start taking photos of where he left things.
My husband leaves stuff out all the time. I stopped tidying up after him ages ago. He still does it but it doesn't take as long as it used to for him to get sick of the clutter and put all his crap away. it's progress
He obviously had his mother constantly pick up after him when he lived at home and wasn't taught that the whole world wasn't put here to run around after him. You are not his mother or his maid. You are also NTA. He needs to learn this. Keep doing what you are doing and maybe one day he'll learn. He definitely needs to.
I would just kick him out. Not worth being with someone who thinks so little of their significant other that they are willing to let them do all the work around the house. The guy is useless and honestly, no one deserves to be treated the way he treats others. Let him live by himself until the grows up and stops acting like an toddler. He is not ready to be in any sort of relationship. I would stop playing the games all together and tell him you need him to leave and find someone who is worth your time.
In a home/kitchen, everything has it's location where it's kept. If the knives are kept generally next to / in a draw with the cutting boards, fair enough ease of access.. If you go one step further and say they must be placed next to each other because they belong together, that's OCD. Having a pre allocated cat food scoop and getting stressed you can't find it, that is OCD. You start your journey feeding the cats in the kitchen. Meaning, if it's wet food, you can pick up ANY fork. If it's dry food, you take the bag with you to the bowl and pour or use your hand to place it in the bowl. You say he's not putting in the effort likely due to ADD, but you're being vindictive trying to make him feel as s**t as it makes you feel, when he mistakenly doesn't do as you wanted. You don't need to go out of your way and be spiteful to both of you, just to try communicate where you're not bringing negative emotions... People don't listen when you subtly put them down, be level headed.
he's making her feel s**t for not cleaning up after him though
Load More Replies... Just because you have been together 7 years, doesn't mean its a good relationship. And if this is a serious plea for help, it's time for a therapist, but I suspect it is a way to prove you are right. This is a pattern of behavior from both of you that will be hard to break.
If his inability to put things away is due to his ADD, then his ADD is impairing his ability to function. He can't put food away safely in the fridge, he can't care for his pets unaided, his basic hygine is impaired(loo paper and q-tips). He needs medication. You have the right to demand that your partner be a responsible, functional, adult. He needs to learn to put things away, and do basic household tasks, you aren't his maid, or his mommy. Putting you in the possition of either doing it all, or badgering and nagging, or enduring the mess and irritation puts a burden of stress and anxiety on you and that's not fair.
So my hubby is really good about putting things back/replacing etc EXCEPT every time he has a beer (once or twice a week) he leaves the bottle on the counter, instead of the bottle return bin that's 4 feet away. So last week I made a big deal about the bottle "Oh is this a new super limited edition bottle? Should I wash it up and put it with your collectable glasses? (...no) Then why does it have a place of honor on my clean countertop?! " this was all dramatic and silly, and he laughed and couldn't actually tell me why he left them out on the counter.
This guy needs fixing, not the mess he leaves around the house constantly. He's less useful than my 5 year olds and needs to stop treating you like his maid
No, AITA doesn't need to 'die', you just need to not read it, and not read any of the stories from AITA that are posted by BP. Not everyone on the planet is as capable as you must be at 'handling things better', and they may not have a good family/friends support system, so they reach out to strangers on the Web.
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Because some people need a bit of reassurance and support before taking an irrevocable step like leaving a relationship? Especially if she has pressure from family or valid financial and practical reasons that make it difficult.
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Oh dear. *She* doesn't need to grow up, it's quite the other way around, and if you can't see that then you have a very weird outlook on life, If you want to spend your whole life catering to the needs of a pathetic man-child then that's up to you, but it's a waste of - well - pretty much everything.
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The answer to give when he asks where something is would be "It's where you left it". You are NTA
That guy sounds like my teenage son. And while I dearly love my son, no way would I want to be in a relationship with someone who reminds me of ... well, a teenager.
I hope you teach him how to care for himself and be a self sufficient adult.
Load More Replies... Someone in the Reddit comments points out that this is "strategic incompetence". It's been covered before - essentially boiling down to "if I do this really badly, she'll pick up the pieces and wont ask me to do it again". What's more concerning is a reply to this comment which says "other men have literally told me that they do this. If it's a men only convo and they don't realise that I'm gay, other men have literally tried to teach me how to fake incompetence at important tasks until the nearest woman takes over."
Agreed on the 'strategic incompetence', but I don't think that's the case with this guy. I think this is a spoiled rotten, entitled, selfish S*O*B who will never change. I was married to a man like this - only child, his father was on the road all week for work, and his mom literally did everything for him that he wanted. If my ex wanted a hot dog for lunch & she didn't have any, she got in the car & went to the store to get them! 40+ years later, I still thank the powers that be that I left him when I did!
Load More Replies... Just break up with each other. This, to me, demonstrates a deep difference in how they approach life. Get out now before a kid is involved.
I mean, if you have to resort to this kind of game-playing because your partner is so selfish, is the relationship really worth the effort?
Load More Replies... how can you even think you’re at fault in this situation?? your bf is acting like a toddler
/r/AITA is mostly posts by people who know they're in the right, but are seeking validation from internet strangers
Load More Replies... It's been my experience that people like him don't change. They just get worse as they get older. Sometimes, out of frustration at their own incompetence, they become violent. If I were her, I'd pack my bags and leave yesterday!
yep. I don't play no games anymore. that's exactly what it is, a game; "ehh, why bother, she/he will do it". No. I will not.
Load More Replies... We got a coffee machine. My boyfriend told my parents how great this machine was because it had enough water in it for 10-15 coffees... It made me so angry. From that moment I refused to fill it with water all the time and now he knows it's only enough for 3-4!!!
My husband and I have this argument all the time. He drinks 3 to 6 large cups of coffee a day. He has to fill it up after two. I was using it to make my tea but have since gotten a kettle. I drink two small cups a day and he was constantly saying I never fill the water. Now I don't use it and he's still getting upset. Lol
Load More Replies... I think this is major red flag here, if instead of doing things which are not done (cat food scoop, tp, qtips, etc.) he's getting mad and fighting, let it go. He thinks it's entirely your job and will never realize he's part of the home as well. Some guys don't think about it, but i can't imagine decent human being go fighting that his girlfriend stopped cleaning after him. It's two of you, in household, shouldn't feel like it's you and a toddler, while a lot of these things even toddler wouldn't do.
From an update, it sounds as if she does want to leave, but there are other things to deal with beforehand.
Load More Replies... I married a guy like this 30 years ago and they never change. He has other wonderful qualities but this to this day drives me crazy. You cannot get him to change. Accept or move on...
But they can change. When my dad ran out of clean socks and underwear because he never put them in the laundry basket, he finally got it. No matter how tired or drunk he was those items always made it into the laundry after that.
Load More Replies... Dump him. Men like this are just looking for a mommy they can f*ck. And there is nothing sexy about a man who insists on acting like a helpless child. He knows what he's doing, He just has zero respect for you. Dump him, he is absolutely useless.
DTMFA. This guy has no respect for you or for his home. You don't need this. If you stay with this idiot, then you are going to be his servant for the rest of your life. If you have kids, is he going to be leaving poopy diapers on the floor, or is he just going to let the baby go unchanged? ...///... You've talked about it. He knows what the problems are. He CHOOSES to be a slob, even knowing that it upsets you. This is just the beginning. Get out now and find yourself a grownup.
I read on a bit further and someone else pointed out that he has standards - he's just holding only his gf to them. He wants a nice home, he just wants only *her* to provide it. He's a 38 year old man child (age taken from the reddit comment thread, I've not made it up)
Load More Replies... Parents must teach kids to clean up behind themselves! I think this is an example of someone who had no responsibilities at home, or was taught that a woman's role was to clean up behind him. My ex would not put his dirty clothes (which I washed) in the hamper. He'd just drop them on the floor. Nothing I said worked. So I stopped picking them up and only washed what was in the hamper (my stuff). I'd pile his in a corner. One day he was looking for a clean shirt to wear, asked me about it, and I said, "hmm,..I washed all the clothes that were in the hamper. Did you check that corner over there?" Fixed it.
I'm glad he learned. One of my colleagues, from a culture where only women do housework, makes her three sons help with housework. I told her, "Good. You're preparing them for the Canadian market. No one will want a man who can't help around the house." One of them has an extra asset: he makes amazing brownies. :)
Load More Replies... So many relationships the spouse ( often the woman) thinks they can change them. Once we get married he'll change or I can change him. No. It doesn't work that way. At 38 he is who he is and obviously has no intention of trying. It's also obvious that he has very little (no?) respect for you. You can have a relationship without some things, but you can't have a successful, happy one without respect. Please don't live in hope he'll change. He won't. Compromise? He doesn't know the meaning of the word. Do you and your life a big favor. Either you pack up and get the h€!! Out of there while you can. Or, you could take care of his stuff for him since he can't. Out it goes. Figure it out Mr. I dont know the complexities, but please find a way to get out now.
My ex husband, when we were still married, once made a joke about women not being able to put petrol in a car. Guess who never filled the tank again.
The cat scoop and utensils issue seems minor, but the shopping bags! I'd be so pissed off.
The cat scoop and utensil thing is minor when its occasional. Now imagine ever single time you feed your pet and every single time you need to cook you have to hunt for the tools you need ... I imagine it stops being minor pretty soon.
Load More Replies... She's well within her rights, and I hope she moves out soon, some couples are just happier with separate living spaces. (Or totally separate, non-coupled lives.) The only downside to this is that in the long run it means the household is organized Mr. Boyfriend's way, things are where he puts them and if she stays, eventually his habits will become their habits - groceries just stay in the grocery bag and so on. It looks like she has a choice between doing things her way or accepting the way the BF does them... this policy won't result in the BF things doing her way.
But Mr Boyfriend doesn't even like *his* way of doing things and organising things. He's decided on a standard, but he wants only his GF to maintain them. It becomes *her* fault if things aren't put away - not because that's his way of doing things, but because he wants things done her way, just not by him.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. But that being said, why is one person doing the grocery shopping and also expected to put it all away? Maybe there's a place to start a discussion about partnership there. Grocery shopping can be completely exhausting, especially wearing a mask. When I shop, my partner does the bulk of the putting away when I get back, and vice versa. We're real adults so also check the use by dates and plan the week's meals accordingly, but that took a while to get into a habit.
They might both do the grocery shopping and then he's abdicating the rest of the work when he gets home.
Load More Replies... I was hoping this story ended something like, "So I broke up with him and moved out because I realized I didn't want to be with a man-boy."
According to the follow-up, it is Plan B and making its way to the top of the list. She just needs to deal with a few other things first.
Load More Replies... NTA: Your boyfriend is broken... do not fix... replace!
Ugh, my husband has the bad habit of putting things DOWN instead of AWAY. Then he bitches that the house is a cluttered mess. Nah, dude, it's just your stuff. My stuff ALWAYS goes back to its place.
Forget about replacing the toilet paper roll. Replace the boyfriend. This kind of assholery is rarely exclusive to one issue.
Do you want to live with a man or with a forever-teenager? (ie, do you want to be treated like a woman or like a mum/maid).
ESH, though him moreso. If this is causing so much strife, and he's not willing to adjust his behavior, you should be looking at leaving not just trying to train him like some pet. A relationship only works if BOTH people are invested in it, in improving themselves, in cooperation, and most importantly in two-way conversation. He's the AH because he's clearly not invested, and YTA because you think you can force change on a person. Leave the AH and find someone better for you.
Looks like someone who was used to having someone do everything for him. I think it’s time we started educating women who are raising kids like him.
He’s 38 years old. I’m not blaming women who raise children for the actions of a 38 year old man. In the 20 years since he reached the age of majority, he’s had enough time to educate himself.
Load More Replies... If he's like this now, imagine what it will be like when you have kids, and have a bit of a think about that.
THe OP is still with this guy??? Wake up to the immaturity and his need for a momager and get the hell out of there
If both of you are at the point that neither of you thinks the other is worth the effort, you should just call it quits... A healthy relationship is never 50/50...it is 100/100. If TP, swabs, & scoops are that big of a deal, do each other a favor and find someone you think is worth taking care of ! We have been together 50 years ~ we both still enjoy taking care of each other!
This BS has been called several things, but the one I hear most ofter is "weaponized incompetence". He is intentionally screwing stuff up so you'll either pick up his stuff behind him, or at the very least, stop complaining about it. Give him back to mommy and daddy because either they did not do their job properly, or he is defective, or both...NTA.
It's called Weaponized Incompetence. He is deliberately doing this so that you walk around clearing up after him. Don't use one more second of your life with this waste of space. Give him an ultimatum. He either clears/cleans up after himself, or he's no longer your boyfriend. I'm sure you can do MUCH better than this toddler.
I 63m had some friends like that growing up and there was always a common theme! They learned that behavior from their father and/or a mom that enabled it by tolerating it. I'm guessing he doesn't put his dirty laundry where it belongs either. If that's the case, stop doing his laundry if it's not where it belongs. Let him spend his money on a wash and fold service at a laundromat. He is getting annoyed because he expects her to act like his mom and probably 100% believes she is at fault. He is unlikely to change and may even start some new petty passive-aggressive behaviors. She doesn't need to fix him, she needs a replacement for him.
He sounds ADHD. Like, he genuinely doesn't notice, and isn't doing it to "punish" her or anything. He simply seems incapable of making the small adjustments a normal person would in the face of annoyance/ inconvenience. A regular person doing the "purposeful incompetence" thing would have adjusted and started replacing the toilet paper and putting the scoop back by now. He has not. He just learned to live without toilet paper. They should hire a cleaner, or the resentment on both sides will end them.
He is never going to change. After 7 years you'd think she'd realize that. So she can either do all the work or move out. Period!
I would like to see what he did with the missing toilet paper roll. Did he find a roll and used it and then returned it back to where it was so there was again no toilet paper at the toilet? Does he play the same game as his wife? I would say a normal person would notice the first time the cat food wasn't at the correct shelf and changed their behavior. I agree with others here that this guy is probably a lost cause.NTA of course
I (52, f) live with two brothers (59 + 56) and my son (22) in a house. I do most of the housework as I am not a professional ... however I refuse to clean up after them like they are kids. I once hung up a note in the bathroom, telling that they have to use the toilet brush if necessary ... and that the toilet paper doesn't magically go into the bathroom by itself, when the roll is empty. I don't know how my mother managed to stay sane, when I was little. I have 5 older brothers ... and at some point, we all lived in the house!
My father found rather quickly what my mom "did all day" when she stopped doing it for two weeks: laundry, dishes, vacuuming, picking up after him, paying the bills, grocery shopping, pet care, etc. Guess he thought the socks he left on the floor magically appeared in the washer, folded themselves, and climbed in his dresser drawer. Groceries magically appeared in the refridgerator, cooked themselves, and washed the dishes. The vacuum got all the dog hair tumbleweeds in the hall, the house cleaned itself, and the bills magically got paid by themselves. Remember, this was in the late 70's. No roomba, no computer, no autopay. He got to sit down after a 7 hr. day at a machine that basically ran itself while she was still cooking dinner and doing housework.
My ex was similar to this but in a more "life skills" kind of way. He replaced TP rolls, but could never remember to let me know when he'd used the last one (or anything else that went on a grocery list). But the main reason our relationship broke down was when I stopped running interference for him. No, I'm not rescheduling a very important meeting to go to YOUR son's parent/teacher conference (I worked full time & he worked from home). No I will not leave work early so YOUR daughter can borrow MY car (like he even had the nerve to ask - I didn't let HIM drive my car) things in this vein. I just stopped and made him responsible for himself instead of always "fixing" things for him. Yeah, it ruined our relationship of 12 years, but I finally got sick of being expected to do EVERYTHING, shopping, cooking, cleaning on top of a very demanding job. It was actually a relief when we broke up.
Of course conversation is always preferable. However, if you have discussed this with him and he persist, then yeah, you are no TA. The grocery and tp thing he needs to grow out of. You could also start taking photos of where he left things.
My husband leaves stuff out all the time. I stopped tidying up after him ages ago. He still does it but it doesn't take as long as it used to for him to get sick of the clutter and put all his crap away. it's progress
He obviously had his mother constantly pick up after him when he lived at home and wasn't taught that the whole world wasn't put here to run around after him. You are not his mother or his maid. You are also NTA. He needs to learn this. Keep doing what you are doing and maybe one day he'll learn. He definitely needs to.
I would just kick him out. Not worth being with someone who thinks so little of their significant other that they are willing to let them do all the work around the house. The guy is useless and honestly, no one deserves to be treated the way he treats others. Let him live by himself until the grows up and stops acting like an toddler. He is not ready to be in any sort of relationship. I would stop playing the games all together and tell him you need him to leave and find someone who is worth your time.
In a home/kitchen, everything has it's location where it's kept. If the knives are kept generally next to / in a draw with the cutting boards, fair enough ease of access.. If you go one step further and say they must be placed next to each other because they belong together, that's OCD. Having a pre allocated cat food scoop and getting stressed you can't find it, that is OCD. You start your journey feeding the cats in the kitchen. Meaning, if it's wet food, you can pick up ANY fork. If it's dry food, you take the bag with you to the bowl and pour or use your hand to place it in the bowl. You say he's not putting in the effort likely due to ADD, but you're being vindictive trying to make him feel as s**t as it makes you feel, when he mistakenly doesn't do as you wanted. You don't need to go out of your way and be spiteful to both of you, just to try communicate where you're not bringing negative emotions... People don't listen when you subtly put them down, be level headed.
he's making her feel s**t for not cleaning up after him though
Load More Replies... Just because you have been together 7 years, doesn't mean its a good relationship. And if this is a serious plea for help, it's time for a therapist, but I suspect it is a way to prove you are right. This is a pattern of behavior from both of you that will be hard to break.
If his inability to put things away is due to his ADD, then his ADD is impairing his ability to function. He can't put food away safely in the fridge, he can't care for his pets unaided, his basic hygine is impaired(loo paper and q-tips). He needs medication. You have the right to demand that your partner be a responsible, functional, adult. He needs to learn to put things away, and do basic household tasks, you aren't his maid, or his mommy. Putting you in the possition of either doing it all, or badgering and nagging, or enduring the mess and irritation puts a burden of stress and anxiety on you and that's not fair.
So my hubby is really good about putting things back/replacing etc EXCEPT every time he has a beer (once or twice a week) he leaves the bottle on the counter, instead of the bottle return bin that's 4 feet away. So last week I made a big deal about the bottle "Oh is this a new super limited edition bottle? Should I wash it up and put it with your collectable glasses? (...no) Then why does it have a place of honor on my clean countertop?! " this was all dramatic and silly, and he laughed and couldn't actually tell me why he left them out on the counter.
This guy needs fixing, not the mess he leaves around the house constantly. He's less useful than my 5 year olds and needs to stop treating you like his maid
No, AITA doesn't need to 'die', you just need to not read it, and not read any of the stories from AITA that are posted by BP. Not everyone on the planet is as capable as you must be at 'handling things better', and they may not have a good family/friends support system, so they reach out to strangers on the Web.
Load More Replies... Because some people need a bit of reassurance and support before taking an irrevocable step like leaving a relationship? Especially if she has pressure from family or valid financial and practical reasons that make it difficult.
Load More Replies... Oh dear. *She* doesn't need to grow up, it's quite the other way around, and if you can't see that then you have a very weird outlook on life, If you want to spend your whole life catering to the needs of a pathetic man-child then that's up to you, but it's a waste of - well - pretty much everything.
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