25-Year-Old Woman’s Sterilization Journey Went Viral And Sparked A Conversation About Women Choosing Child-Free Lives
Interview
One of the key defining aspects of a modern, 21st-century society is the freedom to make choices. And it’s even more so if said choices are personal and have everything to do with just you.
However, where there’s a choice, there’s likely to be push-back, and some topics tend to be more controversial than others.
A woman has recently posted a now-viral video featuring her celebrating her sterilization, which in turn sparked quite a reaction from people on the internet.
More Info: TikTok
Making a choice is often a difficult thing to do, and not because of personal reasons, but because of factors beyond your reach
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Meet Abby Ramsay, a 25-year-old asexual actress, model, and activist from Los Angeles—with whom Bored Panda got in touch for an interview—who has recently been going viral for her video officially celebrating her sterilization. Abby’s story is long and full of hurdles, but we’ll try to hit on the key points and why it all matters.
So, Abby, despite having grown up in a rather religious background—which, as you might have guessed, can be very pro-kids—has made a decision to get sterilized and to live child-free. And while there are many other ways to achieve the same goal, she explained that regular forms of birth control aren’t an option for her—hormones and pills make her sick, there’s fear of foreign objects being inside her, and condoms aren’t a 100 percent guarantee.
“My journey began when I turned 18. I realized that traditional birth control methods were not right for me (the pill and hormonal options made me sick and I have a few phobias that kept implants from being an option), and since I had known for a while that giving birth was not something I wanted, I figured I would start the process of asking,” elaborated Abby. “I realized at the time that it would probably take years of asking, but I was not prepared for how emotionally taxing it would be, or even how hostile (for lack of a better word) some of the doctors would get.”
But after 6 years of running from doc to doc and jumping through hoops, 25 Y.O. Abby has finally gotten sterilized
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Now, as you might have already guessed, her journey wasn’t easy. There was a surprisingly huge number of docs (about 6 years’ worth of them, mind you) who refused to perform the sterilization surgery for a number of reasons, but mostly because they thought she was too young and that she would still likely change her mind.
And as if making this decision wasn’t easy enough, many of these doctors sounded either skeptical, or even somewhat condescending regarding Abby’s choice of sterilization. She would often leave doctor’s offices feeling defeated and crying. She also pointed out that her white male therapist (who some docs recommended talking to) was extremely supportive of her decision, while so many doctors, all female, were against it.
“There’s this idea that there’s some internal biological clock that women have, and it could go off at any moment and you’ll change your mind. The belief that if you just go through with it and have the baby that maternal instinct will kick in and magically fix everything. That it is what a woman is supposed to do for humanity, or god, or society. And a lot of these ideas are harmful, not just to child free people, but to parents too,” explained Abby about doctor pushback.
“Some people will say it is because doctors are afraid of getting sued if you regret it, but the truth is there is so much paperwork involved, and so much information given to you to ensure that you know what you’re signing up for. You give your informed consent way before any surgery happens, and there are so many steps taken. They even let you know (at least with my big procedure, the bi-salp) that you can still conceive with IVF if you want. There are so many options with modern medicine, that it shouldn’t even really be an issue.”
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Abby continued: “I do think a lot of it comes down to sexism. So many of the doctors will ask you what your husband thinks, or what if you end up with another partner who wants a kid, and it’s so frustrating to be at a doctor, asking for a procedure that would help YOUR body, just for them to be more concerned about the desires of someone else who might not even exist.”
“I think it’s easier to get a vasectomy because of the idea that it is reversible. And while that’s true to an extent, it’s not as reversible as a lot of people think. And while I agree to an extent that it would be easier and cheaper for someone’s partner to get a vasectomy, let’s be honest, we live in 2022. People with uteruses can have multiple sexual partners, and you can’t expect that every one of them will have a vasectomy.”
“I absolutely believe that many of the doctors I went to had biases, religious or otherwise. One said outright that she did not believe in performing the surgery unless it was ‘absolutely necessary’, not taking my physical pain into account when she made that judgement. I only went to female identifying OBGYNs in hopes that I would escape some of the more sexist reasoning, but the idea that ‘if you have a uterus, you’re going to want to give birth.’ was not easily avoided.”
The video went viral with over 3.8M views and has generated quite a bit of reactions from the internet
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Abby has documented much of her journey on her TikTok channel, answering people’s questions about it along the way
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
But, she finally found a doctor who agreed to do the surgery at the Complete Women’s Care Center in Southern California. In fact, the doctor who performed the surgery also had the surgery herself, which is always reassuring when it comes to being supported by your doctor.
Abby explained that the most challenging part of it all was how emotionally draining it was. Back when she was 18, she sort of expected to be talked down and to be treated as a kid. When she reached 21, she started thinking that people will take her more seriously, but nothing really changed. “If not worse. It just got more and more frustrating as I got older. I kept thinking ‘When will I be an adult to you?'”
“It was like they thought they knew me better than they knew myself and my own life in the span of 15 minutes. Like, this is a surgery I’m asking for. It’s not something I’m going to take lightly. I’ve thought about this extensively and gone over every possible outcome. It doesn’t matter that I may change my mind and want a kid in the future, what matters is I know 100% I never want to be pregnant or give birth.”
The worst were the talks about her pain. The doctors would just send her home with a bunch of pills without running any tests, looking at nothing, and she would just end up having another period in pain so extreme she would vomit.
One of the biggest questions for everyone was why, and in a nutshell it was because she had no other options
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
The surgery went well, she felt great, got a loads of rest, during which she started answering loads of people’s questions about it all. Speaking of which…
Comments were all over the spectrum, ranging from congratulations to support to women saying they wish they could do the same, to the other side of the spectrum, which is ironic, sarcastic and just pure hate comments.
And needless to say, this has become a bit of a discussion as a result, because on one hand, you have those who are for women being able to choose what they want for their body and life, and on the other hand there are those against it, resorting to putting “sick” labels on her, attempting to appeal to “what ifs,” and, classic, playing the God card.
Another question was why it took so long, which was mainly doctors hindering the process
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
Abby has actually been replying to hate comments very actively and even rating them here and here.
Her video got over 3.8 million views with over 600,000 likes and thousands of comments. This is besides all of her other videos on the topic, which on average accumulated between 15 and 30 thousand views.
Image credits: abbysworldsastage
You can check out the original celebration video below
@abbysworldsastage I’m excited to take control of my own body. I’m not a baby maker. #childfree #childfreebychoice #sterilization #celebration ♬ abcdefu (angrier) – GAYLE
As mentioned previously, people had varied opinions, with some not agreeing at all, but most were positive and supportive
Lastly, we’ve asked Abby if she could give some advice to anyone dealing with a similar issue. And she said this:
“If they don’t listen to you, you can leave. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had just walked out of some of those appointments instead of sitting there and just letting them treat me like a child. This is YOUR appointment. You don’t have to take their [crap] if you don’t want to.”
She concluded: “I get a lot of ‘who cares?’ comments, especially on these articles. And initially I wondered the same thing. The video was supposed to be for my friends, family, and the few followers who knew it was something I was trying to do. But after it blew up, I realized that a lot of people actually cared, because there were so many other people out there who wanted the same thing and were having the same problems that I have had. Since telling my story, people have been using it as an opportunity to share stories and resources of their own and support each other in their own search, and honestly, that has been the best part of all of this.”
Abby documented much of her journey on her TikTok channel, including everything from where to start and how to prepare to what it feels like, the logistics and whatnot, so you can find the finer details of the story there.
But before you scurry off, share your thoughts with us in the comment section below!
Wow - look at those posts telling her she's slapping God in the face or she must have suffered a trauma! Bloody hell! These are OUR bodies. Is it fair that men can decide not to have children but women cannot? If a man says he doesn't want kids, it's rarely questioned, but a woman saying that? Society is all about double standards. There are tons of reasons why a woman would not want children, none of them are anyone else's business.
It’s also weird how they’re berating her using ideals from a religious standpoint she doesn’t even seem to believe in. Like, who cares if she’s slapping God in the face? Nobody’s obligated to accept a “gift” if they don’t want it.
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Why do people think birth control does not have medical consequences? The male pill was yanked because the symptoms were too severe for men to deal with. sAme forking symptoms as we have.
I said this to a guy and he screeched but a man committed suicide. And I was like what do you think womens side effects are. He did not know it caused some women the same fate. Men could never handle what were made to believe is normal for us to suffer through.
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I am 48 years old. I have never, ever, ever not even for one minute wanted children. Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews, but children aren't for me. I wanted a tubal ligation at the age of 23 and was told no. I have been told no as recently as age 45, because "anything is possible and women can have children after 50 now." My answer was, "THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO PREVENT." No one and I mean no one takes a single woman seriously when she says she doesn't want children. It has been rough. I am hoping for menopause soon so I can celebrate living a childless life.
I'm hoping for menopause just to get off the hormone roller coaster.
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At 32 I was really lucky and found a doc who not only agreed to do it but said she admired me for making the decision. I have mental illness and alcoholism in my family and have bipolar disorder and ADHD myself. Both conditions require me to get regular sleep. If I don't get sleep, I get manic, make horrible decisions, and end up suicidal and hospitalized. I grew up with a mother like this and I absolutely refuse to be that kind of mother. Birth control exacerbated my mental illness. I tried getting a copper coil but because of the angle of my uterus they were unable to do it. Besides all that, and this is the only reason I actually need, I just don't have the biological urge to replicate my genes. IMO you need to be all in to become a parent. I'm 1% sure that having kids would literally kill me.
I'm gob smacked. Not that she wanted this in a country that is taking Handmaids take as a guidebook this is great. I had to get husbands permission after 2. He got a vasectomy oddly I was not asked about permission. I have had friends with Endo who were desperate and no dr would do it
Wow, that's amazing you weren't even asked permission or asked to sign something so he would have permission to have a vasectomy. It's almost like men are allowed to make decisions about their own bodies and women are not.
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It took me many years of trying to get sterilized. It didn't matter to doctors that I was an adult, that I was married, that I can't use hormonal b/c, or even that I have a health issue that could kill me if I carried to term, didn't matter that I am mildly tokophobic or that I just didn't want kids. None of that mattered because I might "change my mind". it took many years of fighting and so many fruitless doctors visits, but eventually I was able to get it done(I even celebrate the anniversary of the surgery every year).it was the best decision I've ever made, and I happily salute every other human who wants to get the same for themselves. It's insane that anyone has to fight so much for something like this. For people who are against others choosing their own reproductive paths, mind your own genitals, unless it's happening to your body, it's none of your business.
I had my tubal when I was 23 after having 2 children. It was a good idea then and I stand by it even now(I'm 37) I had to sign a paper saying I knew what I was doing and 30 days later I had to sign again to make sure I didn't change my mind.
I had mine at 23 as well. I also had 2 kids. I'm now 53 and I never regretted it for one second.
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What’s worse? Not having children and wishing you did, or having children and wishing you didn’t. The possibility for mental, emotional or physical harm to an unwanted child is real, as is the possibility of mental and emotional harm to a parent who didn’t want children. So in the spirit of doing least harm, let women tell you what they desire for their own bodies and lives, and listen to it!
I knew someone who had serious medical issues who was just begging for the doctors to perform the hysterectomy because the pain and complications of the medical issue was too much and they refused her saying she may want kids. That poor girl had to suffer several years before doctors would concede based on the premise that she may want kids in the future and that having kids could ease her condition as it did her twin sister who had the same issue. Finally at the "appropriate" age they did it and it drastically lessened alot of her daily physical pain
American - I needed a partial hysterectomy but at that point it was a choice to do it now or years down the line when my issues became much worse. I was almost 40 and had no kids. My doctor asked my husband for permission. My husband told him that he had been snipped the year before as neither one of us wanted children. No lie - the doctor wouldn't do it unless my husband agreed. Crazy. 15 years later, still no regrets. Yes, the doctor was male.
My aunt had to get her tubes tied because too many doctors refused to give her husband a vasectomy. They told him, “sure, you’re happily married with two kids and are 45, but you might divorce and re-marry a younger woman in the future and also want children with her.” 25 years later, they’re still married to each other.
Getting mine soon! I'm so excited. Thankfully my doctor was incredibly supportive (though I do have one kid already and am over 30, so that probably definitely was a factor). Bonus: if you get the bilateral salpingectomy, it's WAY more effective than normal tubal ligation AND reduces the odds of ovarian cancer by up to 30%. If you're in the U.S., it's (supposed to be) 100% covered by the ACA because it's preventative medicine.
I am Catholic and no-one on God's green earth will ever convince me to have children. My gynea is happy to do the op, and was happy to do so 10 years ago as well. It's easier to get an abortion than be sterilised, which is wrong. Just prevent pregnancy from the start, if a woman doesn't want children.
I had my tubes removed a few months ago and Im only 28. From the time I got serious about finding a Dr to do it to waking up in the recovery room was less than 2 months. But I went to the reddit childfree doctors thread where ppl had already done a lot of the leg work of finding an appropriate dr so that made it much easier. The first Dr I went to agreed to do it.
So it's ok for guys to get a vasectomy, but not a chick to get sterilized? I had my uterus removed because of fibroids at 30, and it was the best decision I have ever made, and I wish I could have don't it sooner.
I’ve been sterilised, granted after having kids, but it wasn’t a big deal - just went to my gp, referred to the gynaecologist and then had it scheduled. I still had plenty of years left to have more children if I wanted, but I didn’t. For health reasons I didn’t want to risk another pregnancy - I could sail through it or it could cripple me, I’m not willing to risk the latter. There was no trying to talk me out of it, asking whether my husband agreed or any of that. I have child free friends much younger than me who’ve also had it done with no issue. Women shouldn’t need to fight for control over our body and life choices
Doctors are very arrogant and assume they know what's best for women. It's aggravating/horrifying depending on the situation. So glad you found a doctor who heard you!
The whole "What if you have a husband some day and he wants kids?" thing is by far the grossest of the reasonings given. In most places in the world a *hypothetical* man has more claim over a woman's body than she does - that is the sickest f*****g s**t. There is no doctor, no medical establishment, no legal establishment, no society that shouldn't be profoundly ashamed of applying that principle.
I did it at 23. I had several doctors tell me that I will regret it, that there are better options (even though I proved them by doctor's notes that those options could kill me), that I definitely will want to have kids one day. I even got yelled at when I then told them, I'd consider getting it done abroad (in the Netherlands, so with proper medical standards). Luckily I found a German "private" doctor then, about 8 hours away from where I lived. He asked me if I was sure, I told him about my "journey" with other doctors. He shrugged and said, "You are an adult, it's your body, you seem to have thought about it - and guess what? If you decide one day, you want to have kids, you can have an in-vitro fertilization. So it would not even be definite." That was it. I'm 31 now and never regretted a day. Neither did my husband (boyfriend back then). I just don't get that doctors are so obsessed with refusing sterilizations.
I completely agree a woman should be able to decide not to have kids (I always known I don't want any, and thats not something that will change), but at the same time I can understand the reluctance of a doctor to do it. How can the be sure 10 years down the line they are not going to have a lawsuit from someone who has changed their mind, saying at 19 a woman was too young to make that decision, and that they have destroyed their chance of a family. Fact is their will always be sh*ty people who will do that, and especially in the states they just need to start mentioning god and family, and conservatives will jump behind them to ruin your career. If there was properly structured guidence and protection for doctors, it would probably make things easier for everyone
Good for her! It took me nearly 6-7 years before I was able to get my tubal. I have a genetic disorder, and I kept getting told I was only a carrier. Had genetic testing done that gave me paperwork saying I have it, have physical symptoms, and will pass it on to any children. Still had doctors arguing with me that I was only a carrier, and I would need to have the genetic testing done more than once to prove anything. I finally found the doctor to do it for me, but all of the doctors I attempted to visit, some wouldn't even set up an appt or cancelled when they actually read what I was visiting about, they all wanted to know if my husband had given me permission. When they found out I wasn't married, or in a relationship, they flat out refused and said no doctor would touch me unless I had my husband's permission and at least 2-3 kids (boy and girl only). Wish women would be listened to more often!
I'm happy for the woman. Glad she got what she wanted. FYI, when I got my vasectomy, my wife needed to co-sign. I told them to go f**k themselves. The only signature on that consent form is mine. The only signature on that woman's consent form should be hers.
I live in Kansas and most doctors won't do it without your husband's permission, which rules out a lot of options. If you're a single person, they won't do the surgery unless you already have 3 children. My aunt has 7 and is in her 40's and her OB still won't do the surgery. She's been trying since her third child.
I love that she was able to get this done. I tried to get this done at 25. History of sexual assault, spousal abuse, worst labor I've ever heard of occurring after 1980. Seriously never having kids again. Was told up until I was 35, no way. Then I got ovarian cancer. Can't have kids now. Yay.
The thing with doctors not wanting to sterilize is that people often sue after changing their minds. This is common with many irreversible procedures.
Must be an American thing, because it's not common at all to sue in NZ
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Aside from the obvious important issue with this article, I've discovered that other people have a similar fear to me which is a fear of foreign objects in my body. Tampons, Contact Lenses, Splinters, Needles, heck for me even pills. Which it's nice to know Im not completely alone in that
There are too many people in this world as it is, if someone wants that guarantee of sterilization, then they should be allowed to have the surgery.
I was 28 when I needed to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons (uterus, bladder and abdominal wall were fused together with scar tissue and causing severe pain). My ex still had to sign consent forms to authorize ME having a hysterectomy. I had already had two kids, we were done having kids, and the doctor still insisted. BTW, big surprise, we were in Texas.
After reading this as well as the comments, I feel a bit more supported in my decision to not have kids and possibly even undergo sterilisation for the same. I am fully aware that I am young, but that doesn't change my reasons for not wanting to have kids of my own. And even if I did change my mind later, I'd rather adopt and give a child a home rather than attempt to bring another one into a world so throughly effed up. I used to want kids thinking I'd get a shot at correcting everything my parents did wrong with me, but I realised that wasn't a child's job. If anything, it was the most selfish reason to have a child. And that more or less sealed my decision. My mum didn't take it too well when I asked her to lay off the grandkid jokes since I wouldn't be giving her any (unless she wanted to count my cats), but being upfront with her about my fears and feelings (not to mention: just how traumatic childbirth is), she started to understand better.
Good for her! I am glad she took control of her life and reproductive future. It's inspiring, especially in this day and age when certain governments want to imprison or even execute women for having abortions or ending ectopic (deadly) pregnancies.
I did it at age 30, in the US (I live here, but am British) and had no trouble getting the first (male) obgyn to agree. I had always known from age 14 I wasn’t particularly maternal and didn’t want children. I guess I must have either been lucky or just very convincing as there was no attempt to dissuade me. That was 40 years ago and I have not regretted it. It’s ridiculous that the “you will change your mind” argument even exists. If you do, you do and then you will have regrets, just like we all do about various decisions we make. That’s life…. Why is it any different for this decision than all the decisions we make in life, some of which we may regret?
Conngratulations on her. I have to say, though, I never wanted to kids and the hoormones hit me liek a ton of bricks when I was in my midthorties and in a stbale realtiosnship. i did not have kids, in the end, but oh my God, I wanted them SO BAD and for the lognst time, I regretted not having any. That hormone thing is real. Once I started menopause, it all went away and I am not very happy and child-free, but thos 8-10 years were not fun.
Funny how getting sterilized is "slapping god in the face" but getting a boobjob or a nosejob is perfectly okay and cheery. Why do people care what others do to their own bodies? Her sterilization is not contagious, you're not going to lose your ability to have children by sitting next to her on the bus so why get involved?
At 30, after five kids, my GP jumped through all the hoops for me to get my tubes tied, and the surgeons still said to me "What if you want more, or what if one of your kids died?" Like the obvious answer was to want to keep breeding, or to replace a child with a new one?
When I got pregnant with my second daughter, it was after multiple miscarriages, and then after I had her I get the Essure device for sterilization. Turned out to be the worst thing ever! (Check out Bleeding Edge doc on Netflix for more info) It was strange at the time that they were ok with this permenant option but not the hysterectomey that I initially wanted (Uterine and ovarian cancer run high in my family) It wasn't until after I suffered a uterine prolapse that they finally agreed to the hysterectomy - but even that wasn't easy because I was only 30. Some people do it for health reasons, some do it because they don't want kids - but it should never be this hard to make choices about your own reproductive health.
I was 31 when I had my son. I knew I hated being pregnant and did not, would not want to do that again. So before I left the hospital after having him the doctor asked me what kind ( if any) birth control was I considering using. I told her I wanted my tunes tied. She basically laughed and said " no really, what method(s) are you considering?". It was then I found out no doctor in a 200mile radius would do the procedure...not until I had 2 or more children. I don't understand why I could not make the decision not to have any more children for myself. And yes, there is birth control but none of them are 100% and none of them sounded like something I would want. I love my son more than anything or anyone else in this world and could not imagine my life without him. However, it was my choice to have him and it should be my choice to not have any more. I was really shocked how blatently sexist the industry is when it comes to reproduction. My husband can get a vasectomy with/without kids.
I'm a Mom and it's the best thing that's happened to me. But I know that it's not for everyone. If they say they don't want kids then that is their choice and who am I to tell them the choice is wrong. What's right for me can be completely wrong for someone else. I hate that she had so much trouble . I know personally that I can't handle hormonal birth control and with my health issues it would likely kill me and the unborn child. My husband had a vasectomy but it can still happen, I don't heal correctly and have a higher chance of rejection from non hormonal means. So I can completely understand why her only real option was being sterilized. I know that both a vasectomy and a sterilization can both still have children so together is the best option. I'm so happy that she was able to have the procedure done. If she changes her mind later she can foster or adopt. Having children if she changes her mind is not impossible so this is about much more than permanent birth control.
I really wonder why in capitalist USA there are no doctors who see this as a big marketing opportunity. Imagine an ad at the female equivalent of a superbowl break, saying "Hey girl, below 30 and want to get your tubes tied? Call 1-800-TUBETIED and get your appointment right now!"
Nobody bats an eyelid if a young man has a vasectomy but there's global uproar if a woman wants to be sterilised. I don't want children either and I don't understand why so many people have such a problem with it. In my 20s people would always say "You say that now but your clock will start ticking!" I'm now 40 and I haven't changed my mind.
I was 29 and getting these same questions, but I told the dr I had 3 children already and one with cancer. Kind of finished that discussion. That was almost 50 years ago. Why is this still going on?
Love how people are glossing over the fact she said she only went to female doctors and they all said no. This same type of article on buzzfeed was all about skewering male doctors even though the posters never mentioned the gender of doctors. BP really is a strange website.
There is an important age old lesson to be learned here. The customer is always right. If the customer complains, it is entirely his fault. You did what he told you to, assuming you did your job correctly. It's way better than disagreeing with the customer, only for him to complain about you later. Just do it. No ifs, no buts, no concerns. At least inform him of what he's getting into beforehand, and if he still agrees just do it regardless of how much your conscience stops you. You're paid to do what the customer tells you. Do your job and no trouble will befall you.
Good for her!! If only I had someone who listened to me and cared enough about what I wanted out of life, then I would have had the tubal I desperately needed in my early 20s, instead of my late 30s. And I would have avoided at least two unplanned pregnancies, one of which was a severely autistic boy that will never function without the help of the state into adulthood, and the other will potentially ruin me financially for the rest of my life based upon support-related payments. So yeah, lucky girl there.
So, lets summarize: Abby is asexual!!! with fear from foreign objects being inside her!!!, got sterilized..... I got so many questions... Anyway, congratulations gal, you made the right choice!
Being Asexual does not mean someone does not enjoy sex, or that they don't have sex, it just means they don't feel sexual attraction. Maybe they do have sex because her partner enjoys the sex part and she enjoys the intimacy or something, in any case it's not for us to question. Asexuality is a large spectrum
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Its not just about her, it's about the fact that in F*CKING 2022 WOMEN STILL DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN BODIES. It should NOT have taken 6 YEARS to find a single doctor who would let her make her own choice about her body.
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So what? Would you be as upset if she'd wanted a boob job?
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Not sure about your reasoning, but a woman who doesn't want children, shouldn't have them. For the children's sake. Even if you don't give a hoot about the women
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She says herself she feels it's better to regret NOT having a child than to regret having one. So maybe worry about yourself, not what other people choose.
Load More Replies... Wow - look at those posts telling her she's slapping God in the face or she must have suffered a trauma! Bloody hell! These are OUR bodies. Is it fair that men can decide not to have children but women cannot? If a man says he doesn't want kids, it's rarely questioned, but a woman saying that? Society is all about double standards. There are tons of reasons why a woman would not want children, none of them are anyone else's business.
It’s also weird how they’re berating her using ideals from a religious standpoint she doesn’t even seem to believe in. Like, who cares if she’s slapping God in the face? Nobody’s obligated to accept a “gift” if they don’t want it.
Load More Replies... Why do people think birth control does not have medical consequences? The male pill was yanked because the symptoms were too severe for men to deal with. sAme forking symptoms as we have.
I said this to a guy and he screeched but a man committed suicide. And I was like what do you think womens side effects are. He did not know it caused some women the same fate. Men could never handle what were made to believe is normal for us to suffer through.
Load More Replies... I am 48 years old. I have never, ever, ever not even for one minute wanted children. Don't get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews, but children aren't for me. I wanted a tubal ligation at the age of 23 and was told no. I have been told no as recently as age 45, because "anything is possible and women can have children after 50 now." My answer was, "THAT IS WHAT I AM TRYING TO PREVENT." No one and I mean no one takes a single woman seriously when she says she doesn't want children. It has been rough. I am hoping for menopause soon so I can celebrate living a childless life.
I'm hoping for menopause just to get off the hormone roller coaster.
Load More Replies... At 32 I was really lucky and found a doc who not only agreed to do it but said she admired me for making the decision. I have mental illness and alcoholism in my family and have bipolar disorder and ADHD myself. Both conditions require me to get regular sleep. If I don't get sleep, I get manic, make horrible decisions, and end up suicidal and hospitalized. I grew up with a mother like this and I absolutely refuse to be that kind of mother. Birth control exacerbated my mental illness. I tried getting a copper coil but because of the angle of my uterus they were unable to do it. Besides all that, and this is the only reason I actually need, I just don't have the biological urge to replicate my genes. IMO you need to be all in to become a parent. I'm 1% sure that having kids would literally kill me.
I'm gob smacked. Not that she wanted this in a country that is taking Handmaids take as a guidebook this is great. I had to get husbands permission after 2. He got a vasectomy oddly I was not asked about permission. I have had friends with Endo who were desperate and no dr would do it
Wow, that's amazing you weren't even asked permission or asked to sign something so he would have permission to have a vasectomy. It's almost like men are allowed to make decisions about their own bodies and women are not.
Load More Replies... It took me many years of trying to get sterilized. It didn't matter to doctors that I was an adult, that I was married, that I can't use hormonal b/c, or even that I have a health issue that could kill me if I carried to term, didn't matter that I am mildly tokophobic or that I just didn't want kids. None of that mattered because I might "change my mind". it took many years of fighting and so many fruitless doctors visits, but eventually I was able to get it done(I even celebrate the anniversary of the surgery every year).it was the best decision I've ever made, and I happily salute every other human who wants to get the same for themselves. It's insane that anyone has to fight so much for something like this. For people who are against others choosing their own reproductive paths, mind your own genitals, unless it's happening to your body, it's none of your business.
I had my tubal when I was 23 after having 2 children. It was a good idea then and I stand by it even now(I'm 37) I had to sign a paper saying I knew what I was doing and 30 days later I had to sign again to make sure I didn't change my mind.
I had mine at 23 as well. I also had 2 kids. I'm now 53 and I never regretted it for one second.
Load More Replies... What’s worse? Not having children and wishing you did, or having children and wishing you didn’t. The possibility for mental, emotional or physical harm to an unwanted child is real, as is the possibility of mental and emotional harm to a parent who didn’t want children. So in the spirit of doing least harm, let women tell you what they desire for their own bodies and lives, and listen to it!
I knew someone who had serious medical issues who was just begging for the doctors to perform the hysterectomy because the pain and complications of the medical issue was too much and they refused her saying she may want kids. That poor girl had to suffer several years before doctors would concede based on the premise that she may want kids in the future and that having kids could ease her condition as it did her twin sister who had the same issue. Finally at the "appropriate" age they did it and it drastically lessened alot of her daily physical pain
American - I needed a partial hysterectomy but at that point it was a choice to do it now or years down the line when my issues became much worse. I was almost 40 and had no kids. My doctor asked my husband for permission. My husband told him that he had been snipped the year before as neither one of us wanted children. No lie - the doctor wouldn't do it unless my husband agreed. Crazy. 15 years later, still no regrets. Yes, the doctor was male.
My aunt had to get her tubes tied because too many doctors refused to give her husband a vasectomy. They told him, “sure, you’re happily married with two kids and are 45, but you might divorce and re-marry a younger woman in the future and also want children with her.” 25 years later, they’re still married to each other.
Getting mine soon! I'm so excited. Thankfully my doctor was incredibly supportive (though I do have one kid already and am over 30, so that probably definitely was a factor). Bonus: if you get the bilateral salpingectomy, it's WAY more effective than normal tubal ligation AND reduces the odds of ovarian cancer by up to 30%. If you're in the U.S., it's (supposed to be) 100% covered by the ACA because it's preventative medicine.
I am Catholic and no-one on God's green earth will ever convince me to have children. My gynea is happy to do the op, and was happy to do so 10 years ago as well. It's easier to get an abortion than be sterilised, which is wrong. Just prevent pregnancy from the start, if a woman doesn't want children.
I had my tubes removed a few months ago and Im only 28. From the time I got serious about finding a Dr to do it to waking up in the recovery room was less than 2 months. But I went to the reddit childfree doctors thread where ppl had already done a lot of the leg work of finding an appropriate dr so that made it much easier. The first Dr I went to agreed to do it.
So it's ok for guys to get a vasectomy, but not a chick to get sterilized? I had my uterus removed because of fibroids at 30, and it was the best decision I have ever made, and I wish I could have don't it sooner.
I’ve been sterilised, granted after having kids, but it wasn’t a big deal - just went to my gp, referred to the gynaecologist and then had it scheduled. I still had plenty of years left to have more children if I wanted, but I didn’t. For health reasons I didn’t want to risk another pregnancy - I could sail through it or it could cripple me, I’m not willing to risk the latter. There was no trying to talk me out of it, asking whether my husband agreed or any of that. I have child free friends much younger than me who’ve also had it done with no issue. Women shouldn’t need to fight for control over our body and life choices
Doctors are very arrogant and assume they know what's best for women. It's aggravating/horrifying depending on the situation. So glad you found a doctor who heard you!
The whole "What if you have a husband some day and he wants kids?" thing is by far the grossest of the reasonings given. In most places in the world a *hypothetical* man has more claim over a woman's body than she does - that is the sickest f*****g s**t. There is no doctor, no medical establishment, no legal establishment, no society that shouldn't be profoundly ashamed of applying that principle.
I did it at 23. I had several doctors tell me that I will regret it, that there are better options (even though I proved them by doctor's notes that those options could kill me), that I definitely will want to have kids one day. I even got yelled at when I then told them, I'd consider getting it done abroad (in the Netherlands, so with proper medical standards). Luckily I found a German "private" doctor then, about 8 hours away from where I lived. He asked me if I was sure, I told him about my "journey" with other doctors. He shrugged and said, "You are an adult, it's your body, you seem to have thought about it - and guess what? If you decide one day, you want to have kids, you can have an in-vitro fertilization. So it would not even be definite." That was it. I'm 31 now and never regretted a day. Neither did my husband (boyfriend back then). I just don't get that doctors are so obsessed with refusing sterilizations.
I completely agree a woman should be able to decide not to have kids (I always known I don't want any, and thats not something that will change), but at the same time I can understand the reluctance of a doctor to do it. How can the be sure 10 years down the line they are not going to have a lawsuit from someone who has changed their mind, saying at 19 a woman was too young to make that decision, and that they have destroyed their chance of a family. Fact is their will always be sh*ty people who will do that, and especially in the states they just need to start mentioning god and family, and conservatives will jump behind them to ruin your career. If there was properly structured guidence and protection for doctors, it would probably make things easier for everyone
Good for her! It took me nearly 6-7 years before I was able to get my tubal. I have a genetic disorder, and I kept getting told I was only a carrier. Had genetic testing done that gave me paperwork saying I have it, have physical symptoms, and will pass it on to any children. Still had doctors arguing with me that I was only a carrier, and I would need to have the genetic testing done more than once to prove anything. I finally found the doctor to do it for me, but all of the doctors I attempted to visit, some wouldn't even set up an appt or cancelled when they actually read what I was visiting about, they all wanted to know if my husband had given me permission. When they found out I wasn't married, or in a relationship, they flat out refused and said no doctor would touch me unless I had my husband's permission and at least 2-3 kids (boy and girl only). Wish women would be listened to more often!
I'm happy for the woman. Glad she got what she wanted. FYI, when I got my vasectomy, my wife needed to co-sign. I told them to go f**k themselves. The only signature on that consent form is mine. The only signature on that woman's consent form should be hers.
I live in Kansas and most doctors won't do it without your husband's permission, which rules out a lot of options. If you're a single person, they won't do the surgery unless you already have 3 children. My aunt has 7 and is in her 40's and her OB still won't do the surgery. She's been trying since her third child.
I love that she was able to get this done. I tried to get this done at 25. History of sexual assault, spousal abuse, worst labor I've ever heard of occurring after 1980. Seriously never having kids again. Was told up until I was 35, no way. Then I got ovarian cancer. Can't have kids now. Yay.
The thing with doctors not wanting to sterilize is that people often sue after changing their minds. This is common with many irreversible procedures.
Must be an American thing, because it's not common at all to sue in NZ
Load More Replies... Aside from the obvious important issue with this article, I've discovered that other people have a similar fear to me which is a fear of foreign objects in my body. Tampons, Contact Lenses, Splinters, Needles, heck for me even pills. Which it's nice to know Im not completely alone in that
There are too many people in this world as it is, if someone wants that guarantee of sterilization, then they should be allowed to have the surgery.
I was 28 when I needed to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons (uterus, bladder and abdominal wall were fused together with scar tissue and causing severe pain). My ex still had to sign consent forms to authorize ME having a hysterectomy. I had already had two kids, we were done having kids, and the doctor still insisted. BTW, big surprise, we were in Texas.
After reading this as well as the comments, I feel a bit more supported in my decision to not have kids and possibly even undergo sterilisation for the same. I am fully aware that I am young, but that doesn't change my reasons for not wanting to have kids of my own. And even if I did change my mind later, I'd rather adopt and give a child a home rather than attempt to bring another one into a world so throughly effed up. I used to want kids thinking I'd get a shot at correcting everything my parents did wrong with me, but I realised that wasn't a child's job. If anything, it was the most selfish reason to have a child. And that more or less sealed my decision. My mum didn't take it too well when I asked her to lay off the grandkid jokes since I wouldn't be giving her any (unless she wanted to count my cats), but being upfront with her about my fears and feelings (not to mention: just how traumatic childbirth is), she started to understand better.
Good for her! I am glad she took control of her life and reproductive future. It's inspiring, especially in this day and age when certain governments want to imprison or even execute women for having abortions or ending ectopic (deadly) pregnancies.
I did it at age 30, in the US (I live here, but am British) and had no trouble getting the first (male) obgyn to agree. I had always known from age 14 I wasn’t particularly maternal and didn’t want children. I guess I must have either been lucky or just very convincing as there was no attempt to dissuade me. That was 40 years ago and I have not regretted it. It’s ridiculous that the “you will change your mind” argument even exists. If you do, you do and then you will have regrets, just like we all do about various decisions we make. That’s life…. Why is it any different for this decision than all the decisions we make in life, some of which we may regret?
Conngratulations on her. I have to say, though, I never wanted to kids and the hoormones hit me liek a ton of bricks when I was in my midthorties and in a stbale realtiosnship. i did not have kids, in the end, but oh my God, I wanted them SO BAD and for the lognst time, I regretted not having any. That hormone thing is real. Once I started menopause, it all went away and I am not very happy and child-free, but thos 8-10 years were not fun.
Funny how getting sterilized is "slapping god in the face" but getting a boobjob or a nosejob is perfectly okay and cheery. Why do people care what others do to their own bodies? Her sterilization is not contagious, you're not going to lose your ability to have children by sitting next to her on the bus so why get involved?
At 30, after five kids, my GP jumped through all the hoops for me to get my tubes tied, and the surgeons still said to me "What if you want more, or what if one of your kids died?" Like the obvious answer was to want to keep breeding, or to replace a child with a new one?
When I got pregnant with my second daughter, it was after multiple miscarriages, and then after I had her I get the Essure device for sterilization. Turned out to be the worst thing ever! (Check out Bleeding Edge doc on Netflix for more info) It was strange at the time that they were ok with this permenant option but not the hysterectomey that I initially wanted (Uterine and ovarian cancer run high in my family) It wasn't until after I suffered a uterine prolapse that they finally agreed to the hysterectomy - but even that wasn't easy because I was only 30. Some people do it for health reasons, some do it because they don't want kids - but it should never be this hard to make choices about your own reproductive health.
I was 31 when I had my son. I knew I hated being pregnant and did not, would not want to do that again. So before I left the hospital after having him the doctor asked me what kind ( if any) birth control was I considering using. I told her I wanted my tunes tied. She basically laughed and said " no really, what method(s) are you considering?". It was then I found out no doctor in a 200mile radius would do the procedure...not until I had 2 or more children. I don't understand why I could not make the decision not to have any more children for myself. And yes, there is birth control but none of them are 100% and none of them sounded like something I would want. I love my son more than anything or anyone else in this world and could not imagine my life without him. However, it was my choice to have him and it should be my choice to not have any more. I was really shocked how blatently sexist the industry is when it comes to reproduction. My husband can get a vasectomy with/without kids.
I'm a Mom and it's the best thing that's happened to me. But I know that it's not for everyone. If they say they don't want kids then that is their choice and who am I to tell them the choice is wrong. What's right for me can be completely wrong for someone else. I hate that she had so much trouble . I know personally that I can't handle hormonal birth control and with my health issues it would likely kill me and the unborn child. My husband had a vasectomy but it can still happen, I don't heal correctly and have a higher chance of rejection from non hormonal means. So I can completely understand why her only real option was being sterilized. I know that both a vasectomy and a sterilization can both still have children so together is the best option. I'm so happy that she was able to have the procedure done. If she changes her mind later she can foster or adopt. Having children if she changes her mind is not impossible so this is about much more than permanent birth control.
I really wonder why in capitalist USA there are no doctors who see this as a big marketing opportunity. Imagine an ad at the female equivalent of a superbowl break, saying "Hey girl, below 30 and want to get your tubes tied? Call 1-800-TUBETIED and get your appointment right now!"
Nobody bats an eyelid if a young man has a vasectomy but there's global uproar if a woman wants to be sterilised. I don't want children either and I don't understand why so many people have such a problem with it. In my 20s people would always say "You say that now but your clock will start ticking!" I'm now 40 and I haven't changed my mind.
I was 29 and getting these same questions, but I told the dr I had 3 children already and one with cancer. Kind of finished that discussion. That was almost 50 years ago. Why is this still going on?
Love how people are glossing over the fact she said she only went to female doctors and they all said no. This same type of article on buzzfeed was all about skewering male doctors even though the posters never mentioned the gender of doctors. BP really is a strange website.
There is an important age old lesson to be learned here. The customer is always right. If the customer complains, it is entirely his fault. You did what he told you to, assuming you did your job correctly. It's way better than disagreeing with the customer, only for him to complain about you later. Just do it. No ifs, no buts, no concerns. At least inform him of what he's getting into beforehand, and if he still agrees just do it regardless of how much your conscience stops you. You're paid to do what the customer tells you. Do your job and no trouble will befall you.
Good for her!! If only I had someone who listened to me and cared enough about what I wanted out of life, then I would have had the tubal I desperately needed in my early 20s, instead of my late 30s. And I would have avoided at least two unplanned pregnancies, one of which was a severely autistic boy that will never function without the help of the state into adulthood, and the other will potentially ruin me financially for the rest of my life based upon support-related payments. So yeah, lucky girl there.
So, lets summarize: Abby is asexual!!! with fear from foreign objects being inside her!!!, got sterilized..... I got so many questions... Anyway, congratulations gal, you made the right choice!
Being Asexual does not mean someone does not enjoy sex, or that they don't have sex, it just means they don't feel sexual attraction. Maybe they do have sex because her partner enjoys the sex part and she enjoys the intimacy or something, in any case it's not for us to question. Asexuality is a large spectrum
Load More Replies... Its not just about her, it's about the fact that in F*CKING 2022 WOMEN STILL DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OVER THEIR OWN BODIES. It should NOT have taken 6 YEARS to find a single doctor who would let her make her own choice about her body.
Load More Replies... So what? Would you be as upset if she'd wanted a boob job?
Load More Replies... Not sure about your reasoning, but a woman who doesn't want children, shouldn't have them. For the children's sake. Even if you don't give a hoot about the women
Load More Replies... She says herself she feels it's better to regret NOT having a child than to regret having one. So maybe worry about yourself, not what other people choose.
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