Entitled Brother Drops His Kids Off At Sister’s House Without Asking, Wants Her To Pay For Childcare After She Refuses To Babysit
It’s a blessing when family members and friends are able to support someone in their role as parents. A friendly chat over a cup of coffee, a surprise neighborly casserole, an offer to babysit the little munchkins for a few hours—it’s the small things in life that make parenting that much easier. But some parents grow to rely on these acts of kindness a bit too much. So much so that they can even resort to pressuring and guilt-tripping their part-time babysitters.
One redditor recently shared a truly stressful slice of family drama with the AITA online community. She explained how she’s been looking after her brother’s kids for ages (for free, of course), only to then realize how little they were truly thankful to her for her help.
Due to some extremely upsetting circumstances, the redditor wanted to have some time all to herself and asked to take a break from babysitting. However, her brother and sister-in-law were far from accommodating. Not only did they start guilting her to change her mind, they actually asked her for financial ‘compensation’ (say what?) for her not being able to take care of the kids.
It can truly feel like it’s a clown world out there, ladies, gentlemen, and Pandas. Read on for the full story, how redditors reacted to the super weird circumstances, and let us know what you personally think in the comments.
Bored Panda got in touch with comedy writer and single mom Ariane Sherine, from the UK, to get her opinion on what makes for a great babysitter, what she thinks about child independence, and what parents can do to thank the kind folks who do them a favor and look after their kids. You’ll find her thoughts below.
When you babysit for free, you’re doing the parents a favor. However, some entitled people take it for granted
Image credits: charlesdeluvio (not the actual photo)
A redditor turned to the AITA community to share what happened when she said she needed some privacy and couldn’t babysit for her brother
Image credits: Ashley Byrd (not the actual photo)
The woman later clarified that she had never been paid for her babysitting services
According to mom Ariane, who has an 11-year-old daughter, there are plenty of ways to thank somebody for babysitting. “If they won’t accept money, or it doesn’t feel right to offer it, how about giving them gifts? My friend John looks after my daughter for me a lot and I gave him an iPhone and Apple Watch as he wouldn’t accept money. He’s an Apple fanboy so it made him happy!” she shared an example from her own experience.
We were curious to get Ariane’s take on kids wanting to be a bit more independent and where the lie lies where children might no longer need a babysitter.
“My daughter’s 11 now and she wants to go out alone but I’m not happy with that. I know in the next few years she’ll want more independence because she wants it now!” she opened up to Bored Panda.
“Kids usually tell you what they want and grumble at you for being overprotective. But I’m always going to be overprotective when it comes to her because she’s my baby,” she said.
For Ariane, at the core of being a great babysitter lies genuine focus. The babysitter has to truly care about what they’re doing and the child they’re supposed to be taking care of. Babysitting’s more than just switching on the telly and microwaving some sad mac-n-cheese.
“I think the main thing is to focus on the child and give them lots of undivided attention instead of being absentminded and distracted,” she said that babysitters ought to be present.
“Lily loves being babysat by John because he’s very funny and makes silly jokes. He’s also totally willing to get involved in whatever she wants to do, whether that’s playing a game or doing a quiz. He doesn’t just sit there on his phone and ignore her!” Ariane shared some of the positive qualities that make a huge difference.
You realize that there’s a lot of toxicity in a relationship when you feel guilty for having a personal life and drawing common-sense boundaries. When there’s an emergency, when the going gets tough, then you really see what the people closest to you are like. You might realize that you have far fewer trustworthy friends than you think. (Unfortunately) people tend to be very self-serving when their interests are even remotely threatened. Sometimes, all it can take is asking for a couple of weeks off from doing someone a favor to get them to drop their masks.
It’s… absurd. Frankly, it’s utterly absurd that you should be asked to pay someone because you temporarily can’t do someone a favor. A favor that you’ve been doing without compensation, out of the goodness of your own heart. This reeks of entitlement, hypocrisy, and downright nastiness.
Nobody should have to tolerate this type of lack of respect. Especially from the people who are supposed to always have your back. Is being driven to so much guilt that you’re forced to write a post on the AITA subreddit ruly the reward someone deserves for years of dedicated babysitting service? This is common-sense ethics, not rocket science, people. It’s as simple as not being a [whoops, can’t use those words here] jerk.
The OP took part in the discussion in the comments of her post
Parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin, from ‘Walking Outside in Slippers,’ previously explained to Bored Panda that boundaries and good communication are what ensure that most family disputes don’t happen.
“I think when establishing boundaries with family members, being clear and using good communication are the best routes. You wouldn’t want a family member to misinterpret your actions for rudeness or lack of appreciation for their help with childcare,” the mom of two told us.
“I would hope that close family members can communicate freely about expectations for child care, but I know that personalities differ and some would rather take on an extra burden and avoid conflict,” she said why some folks completely avoid the issue and downplay any brewing conflicts.
Samantha stressed that all families are different and that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to babysitting and asking for a favor looking after the kids.
“Some families are very close, and the aunts and uncles and grandparents are practically other parents to the kids. Others are more distant. Once again, I think good communication is important to set the ground rules and ensure everyone is comfortable with the babysitting expectations,” she said.
“My husband and kids and I live several hours away from both sets of grandparents, and other family members. Because of this distance, we are rarely if ever asked to babysit. However when we visit family, the grandparents often take our kids so we can go on a date for dinner, and maybe even a short weekend away alone. I think the distance makes the grandparents more eager to spend what time with our kids they can. My husband and I try not to abuse this privilege and expect too much, but it is such a relief to have occasional help with feeding and caring for the kids.”
Meanwhile, a former professional nanny shared with Bored Panda her insights into the sometimes peculiar mentality that some parents who. She noted that some parents are unwilling to take anyone’s advice about parenting, even if they’re a professional, becomes it’s all such a personal thing. That’s actually part of the reason why these parents tend to not want to pay babysitters as much as they deserve. They believe that looking after their kids is a privilege and that anyone would be happy to do it for free.
“That’s the same reason I believe they often don’t want to offer adequate compensation: it’s personal. They’re (most likely, in my experience) paying you under the table, they’re trying to get a good deal, and they love their child. They don’t think that looking after their ‘precious angel’ is a job; it’s a treat. They would love to be home with their child all day, so I think they feel like it’s not a real job. It’s something you get to do, and they’re mad they have to pay someone to do it,” the nanny told us.
“They love their child, they’d do anything for their child. There’s a connection there that someone else could never have, and they can’t imagine not having that connection, so they treat it like it’s not a job, it’s a privilege. The ‘you’re so lucky you get to stay home with my baby while I have to go to work’ mindset, when in reality we leave our families to take care of yours; we don’t want to leave our families in the morning for work any more than you do, but it’s our job.”
Here’s what other redditors had to say about the family drama
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For their inconvenience, OP should refund them the last year’s child care fees they paid her. Oh, wait…
They unable to care for existing children, but still make more. That kind of people
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"Pay us so we can find child care..." Screw that... She needs to invoice 'em for the sitting done to date, letting them know that the invoice (for now) is hypothetical...if they keep being pig headed bullies, the invoice will become real.
That's what she needs to do ... itemize the monetary worth of the work she's done in the past 4 years babysitting and show them that that was what they saved this whole time and if they can't compensate the work already done, there is, absolutely, no reason for her to compensate them for work she's not going to do ...
Load More Replies... How can they demand a refund for money they never even paid???? Give them an invoice for the amount of money they would have paid for childcare and demand they pay you. Since they are treating your kindness like a business, do the same and demand the money you are owed. They are ungrateful freeloaders with no common sense and zero humanity. You took 2 weeks off to recover. Since when is 2 weeks notice not sufficient. And you aren't even obligated Or compensated! Them fining you for wages snot paid is ludicrous and beyond insulting. Were they both dropped on their heads to be so nonsensical?
I was present to a conversation between my SIL and her mother. SIL: "We'll be dropping Ty over on Saturday morning." Mother: "No you won't." SIL: "But Mike and I had plans." Mother "Your father and I being retired does not translate to free babysitting whenever you feel like it. Your father and I have earned the right to have our weekends free. If you want us to watch Ty, please be respectful of our time and call to see if we already have plans in place for ourselves." My SIL was angry. I thought "Wow...I'd never just drop my son off on anyone without calling first and getting their ok." People surprise me with their selfishness sometimes.
Wow. Dumping em on your own parents is bad enough, but on your inlaws, wow.
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Unpopular opinion I am sure but if their resources are already stretched thin enough after having one child, why choose to have another?
Exactly. People like that should be sterilised and snipped after the first kid. They're so entitled and selfish.
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Women on Reddit, you need to learn a new word: NO. Actually it‘s a full sentence.
People in general need to learn that sentence. I have a brother who still hasn't picked it up.
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"She also told me that if I was going to be like this I should not have taken up the responsibility of looking after them in the first place" ....Said the people who had kids and can't afford them.
Where is their responsibility in creating a situtaion they cant afford? Stop babysitting full stop. Stop providing money. Put the money into a trust fond for their kids for later. I watched my BF put herself into an early grave taking care of everyone elses needs financially and otherwise. The people who took advantage of her havent changed.
Yes, it is impossible to fill a black hole, and they're black holes. You will always bad , no matter how much you gave
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This poor woman doesn’t value herself or her time. I know she loves those children but they are their parents’ responsibility. Maybe they need to get better paying jobs to afford the necessary childcare. Very sad situation for this woman, to be treated so horribly after giving so much of herself. I know that feeling…
She feeds them as well when 'babysitting' (it's not babysitting if it's basically full time daycare IMO) and in one of her replies was like - well my SIL did provide diapers and such. As if SIL was doing her a FAVOUR
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I only have one suggestion. LOCK YOUR DOORS!!! When they try and drop the kids off and you're out of sight in your office, and they can't get in, that might, MIGHT, let them know you've had enough. If your brother calls and starts complaining, just say "so sue me" and hang up. Your brother and SIL are grifters who are using you to make their lives easier and cheaper. Don't let them. And where is YOUR husband? Why isn't he standing up to them? Is he letting you do all the emotional work?
Good idea, and good point. Actually, if they do have the nerve to try and drop off their children, they shouldn't even expect her to be at home... who knows, she might decide to go on a short trip or something, which would be perfectly valid.
Load More Replies... Hun, 1-, taking all this abuse, is it possible that you may think given you and your husband's challenges with conceiving it's the closest you'll come to "having kids?" That I think is what your brother and his wife is banking on and the guilt trips that's forced on you. 2- You are in essence paying for the laziness and lack of planning for daycare for their family and bullying you into babysitting for years. 3- You did not " decide on the timing" of your friends passing and how it would affect you. 4- it's not your job as their aunt to help raise them and pay for their dental and other stuff. What's next, drive the kids to soccer, tennis, dancing lessons and maybe pay for all of that ad well. Tell yourself I'm the aunt not the parent. This will never end until YOU END IT sugar.
I hate gaslighting families! I have had issues with my own. No of course she doesn't owe them anything. Just cut them off entirely. Not just the baby sitting, but the financial help she has been giving as well. Love the children but don't enable the parents.
Unfortunately, if you give people an inch they take a mile. Somehow there people got it into their heads that OP is some kind of indentured servant to them, I only hope she speaks up for herself and takes the time she needs. Bekng a parent means that sometimes you can't get childcare at short notce, but you get through it. B and SIL have been spoiled so much they probably never made this sacrifice
They probably never made a sacrifice. I'm betting they have more money than they're telling her.
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"You're selfish and acting like the world revolves around your problems." Only those with glass houses ever throw stones.
Ok first of all you have taken care of someone else's kids for free for awhile now. You did what you thought was right. At some point this habit people have of enabling others is going to have to end. Your brother is trying to manipulate you using your nieces and nephews. He trying to extort money from you based on the fact he now has to pay like everyone else. He thinks because you are vulnerable right now you will buckle under. My advice don't buckle. The next step will be if you don't want to pay or sit for free I will not let you even see them. Do not buckle. Time for people to grow the f**k up and take some responsibility.
It's called being taken for granted and the fact that they haven't taken the time to allow her to grieve for a lost friend is calculating and heartless
She's been used so long and so thoroughly by her family that she's lost track of herself! Shell really be the A@@ if she let's them keep playing her.
It is impossible to fill a black hole, you will Ah for them become of anything... Saw person who tried - she was milking to death and after, saw one who was feed up and said No! And nobody died, things went even better after some time.
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Do NOT under any circumstances give them any money. You don't owe them anything. But, going forward, write up a contract and charge them for child care. Even if it's only $5 per day per child or even only $1 per day per child. This will give them something to actually compare what they would pay on the market to what the bargain they're getting with you. Make it very clear that you provide child care at your convenience and can cancel at any time. If they want something better, they can can pay full price on the market.
Think more like $40 a day, per child! And those kids won't get the one~on~one attention that the Aunt is giving. PLEASE, I hope this woman gets control of her life!
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So many doormats out there being taken advantage of. I wouldn't watch them for one more day after that. No one is owed free child care. If you can't afford your kids, you shouldn't have had any.
If she can scrape up a backbone she should put a boot in their asses 🤣.
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Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Take your time to grieve, tell your brother his children are just that his and his responsibility. You pay him what he has paid you, nothing. Childcare cost over $6000 plus a year. You have already saved him that much. He owes you big time! (29 year childcare provider)
Where doea childcare only cost $6000/yr???? That's about $2.50 an hour. In a childcare facility with multiple children, perhaps. $2.50 isn't a living wage in any developed country!!
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I feel like this should not even be a discussion. NO. This is bull****, and any sane person would tell them to GTH. Furthermore, I think I’d stop sitting their kids altogether. I cannot believe how self centered and entitled some people are. Good grief. Who raises these people?
That girl has no backbone whatsoever. She should slap the s**t out of brother and sin. Talk about needing a wakeup call. My brothers and sisters know not to try s**t like that.She needs to put a boot in there a*s. Hell the young woman needs a boot in the a*s for not setting these two asswipes straight.
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NTA not only are you providing them with free child care but also helping them out with expenses.. Please do not give them a penny you're a saint for the all help you do provide. When they decided to start a family they knew there would expenses involved in raising children and should have waited until they were financially able to provide these things not expect you to make up the difference. I understand you may want to continue caring for your niece's as you probably have developed a close bond with them but make sure you are doing so on your terms don't allow them to guilt you into it.
These can't be real?! This is some crazy stuff right here..OP has to bee white.. I swear you try this in a Black or Mexican Family and you are getting knocked out.. How can you even say this to your sister?? And her husband?? What a little b***h.. I would have called her brother and been like look homie you can come collect the money yourself it's in my backyard bro.. I will personally hand it to you.. Then beat the c**p out of ol boy once he reached out for the money in my yard.. That way I can say he got wild then knocked out because my family was scared.. Promise you he would not be begging again after that
Honey, I m white as Virginia snow and I can assure you that regardless of color this s**t happens . Hell my SIL wouldn't even consider me as a babysitter, I believe lil asses should be whipped when they deserve it, she didn't, so I never had to be bothered with babysitting. If any fool thought I would pay for their childcare, would end up with one of those lil asswhippings. If this woman is dumb enough too pay childcare for someone else's kids, she's a freaking fool. Why in the hell does she need advice about paying for childcare. Some people are too stupid to live. This girl needs to come visit my house to find her backbone, hell I will even throw in a hambone.
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Givethem an envelope filled with nothing because that's what you git paid so if you are paying them back, that's what they get back.
The fact that your friend passed away isn't even part of this justification. Nobody. Nobody owes you childcare. They are your children and your responsibility. If you have family that's always willing to babysit for you, that's great, but is it is ALWAYS still a favor they are doing you. F this brother and sister in law. I feel bad because I'm sure op loves her nieces, but F her brother.
This poor Lil girl needs to come to Mississippi, I will help her find her backbone. I will also teach her how to put a boot in those two's a*s . How does people cow down to mfrs like this.
Load More Replies... This is one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever read. That people like these parents exist blows my mind. I suspect theyve been gaslighting the OP for a very long time for OP to even consider that something as inconceivable as paying for not proving free care while grieving might be ok. I suspect this isn’t the only way they bully or manipulate OP into doing what they want.
I'm sure they'll threaten to never let her see the kids again~~no one should ever fall for that BS. I'd show up to family gathers unannounced so I ran across the kids~~let those freaks show their asses to the world.
Load More Replies... I think that it's really great that you choose to watch your brother's kids but it in no way is your responsibility. Your brother is being selfish and inconsiderate. The sacrifice should come from the parents when life happens. That's what you automatically sign up for when you become parents. You need to set some healthy boundaries for your brother and his SO right now for moving forward. His entitlement needs to be put in check.
You helped pay for dental and other stuff? No wonder they feel entitled you got them to be that way by letting them walk all over you since the beginning
Not true! Interactions on relationships don't work linearly like a simple cause and effect. As much as one persons's agreeableness and excess generosity triggers more entitled behaviours, the threats and excessive anger triggers a motivation to avoid conflict and not set boundaries which then again makes the other person think what they're doing is okay. It's circular - the behaviours complement and enhance each other equally.
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Family who acts like everyone needs to genuflect to their kids' needs don't fare as well as they'd like to believe. Family wills have a way of getting whittled down to the ones who weren't entitled a-holes every minute of their "Woe is me, it takes a village to raise my kids" brigade.
NTA don't pay them one red cent. You don't owe them a damn thing. If I pay them anything. It just lets them know that they can run over you. They are not worth sacrificing your dignity for.
Potential solution, OP: Let the ingrates know that the average # annual work hrs, not counting OT/commuting, is 2,087. Inform them that had you charged $10/hr (discounted family rate) for 1 child for 3 yrs, and threw in the 2nd child at no additional cost for Yr4 - 2,080 hrs x 4yrs = 8,320 hrs x $10/hr = over $84k of free childcare. Say you accept responsibility for the short notice cancellation and will credit them $10/hr for 40 hrs but they must collect it from the $84k unpaid care you've already provided. In the selfsame correspondence inform them that EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: due to physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and personal burnout, it would be negligent of you to continue to care for your beloved nieces as you are unable to provide the same level of care to which they are accustomed. Once they shop for a replacement, let them BEG YOU... they will NEVER find childcare for 2 for $10/hr, let alone free! Stand your ground, they are unworthy, and you are NTA!!!
Reminds me of the post where the grandparents are raising the grandchild because she was too young to raise her. Daughter in her 30's has another kid she is too "busy" to raise and now expects her parents to raise e latest kid! F a bunch of that you entitle piece of c**p!!
Ugh. My friends son does this to his mom. He moved back in with her, with his son, and now acts like a teenager again. Sleeps all day. Out all night. She has several health issues, so it is not easy for her to chase after a toddler all day. When she told him he needed to step up and act like a father, he turns to his son and says “I guess grandma don’t love you”. I want to kick his butt. Not my place though. She has coddled him all his life.
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You should move and not tell him where you live. I would of not opened the door or laughed in their face
What is seriously wrong with people? She is the ah for having let them take advantage of her like this for so long. She should not be giving them a dime. They need to deal with their own s**t and she needs to grieve. Why is she even putting any thought into this. People who let people take advantage of them are ridiculous
You clearly dont understand psychological abuse and manipulation.
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Please stop making excuses from two grown people who are completely taking advantage of you. I am 44 single mom. My boys are now 21 and 19. They started daycare as arm babies. Huge expense for one income. They have two. You are not obligated to pay their child care. We all need a break. Take care of self first and for most. From what I'm reading and some of your responses, you seem very easy going and don't know how to say NO. I use to be the same way. Always doing for others and my kids. When I started saying no, let's just say I saw a difference in how they treated me. Oh well
Poor thing she is grieving! Her brother needs to step it up and handle his business. My husband and I struggled with 5 children and had to work opposite shifts.i wouldn't have dreamed of pawning off our children to my single sister. Also on top of the stress she's going through they'll probably hold the neices against her. Yuck
You are so NOT the a-hole but your brother and his wife are huge ones. You didn't give birth to those children and they have been taking advantage of your generosity for too long now. You told them not to bring their kids to your house for their own safety as you are in a bad place now, well that is what is called child neglect on their part. They knowingly put their children in danger leaving them with someone who is not capable at the moment to take care of them, CPS could be called and then they would be in a world of c**p. Tell them to pull their heads out of their entitled butts and figure out their own life, its not up to you to do it for them. What would they do if you were to end up in the hospital? Would they drop the kids off in your hospital room and hope for the best? Lock your door and don't answer, you don't own them anything. Take care of yourself because you are the most important person right now.
Explain what the phrase ". doing you a favor" means. You might settle this by telling your brother and sister-in-law you agree to pay for the extra baby sitting. Tell them you've decided a fair amount to pay them is exactly the amount they have been paying you. Sounds fair to me. They set the standard for babysitting fees, so that's the amount you'll pay. Hon, they are using you horribly. And their attitude of you owe them is beyond pathetic. Tell them what they were going to pay you, they can use that to pay for child care until you are feeling better. And a Mad Dragon said, "... child care fees they paid you...... Oh wait!!!!!!!
Im so sorry for your loss. NTA you have made their lives easier for 4 years. Everyone deserves time off, break. Im sure 1 of them have vacation hours that they can take to watch their own children. As much as you love your nieces at the end of the day they are still just your nieces and not your responsibility! Their care and the payment for that care lays squarely on the parents. If they cannot afford that care there are systems in place that can help them. You need to focus on getting yourself the help you need for your grief. Prayers that you find a way to get this thru to them without loosing the closeness that you have now with those little girls. They deserve better from their parents. You deserve more from your brother...
How dare them!! This subject/situation frequently comes up. It always angers me. When it relates to child/baby sitting people never seem to be truly grateful regardless of how fair and helpful a person is. You owe them nothing. Absolutely nothing! Pay them if they insist and never commit your services again.. Eventually it will be realized what a blessing you were. Move on it’s their lost trust me. Trust worthy, dependable and loving sitters are EXTREMELY hard to find and also are EXTREMELY costly. Don’t walk. RUN and move on.!
What a load of garbage! This makes me so mad because I’ve had to deal with people that I’m not even related to who act like this and I had to move to get them to quit dumping their kid off on me. She doesn’t owe them squat! They need to be slapped upside the he add for abusing her generosity!
I identify with your situation a lot :/ As a parentified child I have always put on a giving role in my relationship with my (funnily enough) older sister who on the other hand grew as a 'baby' in family dynamics. I've always helped her out and could sometimes count on her emotional support but almost never physcial one. She also acted super entitled when for once I refused helping her - do I get the feeling od responsibility for cocreating a dynamic and expectations. But you know, it takes two to build a toxic dynamic - and well, you are not the one who is a main beneficient od it too. What I think is best is everyone taking just a little bit od responsibility (which does NOT mean guilt!) on their part -I'll explain what I mean by that. You see, I don't know how it worked with you but in my experience but in mine being a people pleaser in relationships is a part od who I AM and how I was raised
So having general troubles with setting boundaries and feeling guilty for taking care od my needs if I don't take care of someone elses needs first (which makes me even lie sometimes about not feeling burdened by things or not being angry at anything to avoid confrontation) is something that I bring into the relationship. My sister though brings entitlement and disregard for my needs even if they are communicated. Many people here suggest you cut off your brother completely or participate on some kind od power games. I don't think that would be necessary - I think it's best to simply honestly state your boundary and your feelings and reasons behind it, no matter the reaction. What I kinda regret doing in my situation is completely flipping out on my sister and bringing out the whole history of my mistreatments in a long angry monologue. Setting boundary did make her respect my needs and boundaries more
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Sadly, I have known people this demanding and self involved.
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Tell your AH brother that you will refund them exactly zero dollars. In fact, if they don't get off your back and leave you alone you will take them to small claims court and sue them for four years of back child care costs. And tell them good luck with life and figuring out adulting without your help. Gawd.
I used to babysit for my sister & my cousin. Usually with my mom so it was easier. But they'd also bring me in for several days or even a week once. I was happy to do it. It gave me something to do for a bit. Would still love to occasionally do it for someone anyone. I love kids I just don't want my own. But the difference is I was disabled & so not working. Plus usually it was both my mom & me doing it. That makes it a lot easier. But I still over did it a lot & would pretty much collapse when I got home. Both of us did. But none of them took me or my mom for granted. They'd always leave money to do something because they knew we didn't have as much. It was also our form of a vacation. Even my sister's friends loved to get us to babysit. Especially on New Years because they knew we'd safely have them all night & morning. I'd never put up with this b******t though.
Wow. This post makes me incredibly angry. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I'm angry that OP is such an idiot. Like why are you stressed and unsure if she should compensate them for her needed break. Like wtf? She is UNPAID for any of her babysitting. Brother does not give any money for food or activities or anything. It's all probono and she for some wild reason questions if she should compensate? Then in the comments someone said she gave the equivalent of 25K over the years. Then OP comments that she has spent nowhere near that much but she does help THEM PAY THEIR OTHER CHILDRENS BILLS LIKE SCHOOL FEES DENTAL FEES DIAPERS like what the actual f**k. On top of feeding them and WATCHING them. The 25K was referring to CHILDCARE alone. This woman is so naive its actually making me SUPER angry and I don't know why. Who raised her.
NTA. First, let me say that Im very sorry for your loss. Last year was awful for us, lost an uncle, an aunt, father-in-law and then we lost our son in an accident. From experience, you will have waves of emotion that you have every right to experience on your own terms. The fact that you have been kind enough to volunteer to support your brother and SIL by looking after your neices until now, they should be extremely grateful and appreciative. It sounds like they are not supportive of you and you need to separate yourself from them or you can share with them a list of your new demands. You hold the upper hand in this deal.
Make a list of the hours you spent with "THEIR" kids since they were born, extra expenses and other matters, like your time to heal as you need and "maybe", they realize that they owe you more than they are asking for. They shouldn't have kids they can't afford
This message is more than likely going to be buried, but I hope it reaches you, Firstly, I'm assuming the four of you, (Bro, sil, husbando and yourself) are two fairly young couples, therefore haven't yet been exposed to any significant loss yet. I'm not sugfeati g you or either of your family members are weak or spoiled in anyway, but I am of the opinion that they can't really relate, understand, or even care about your feelings right now, because they've never been through anything like this themselves. I'd you lost an arm they wouldn't expect you work, so why should this be any different. Explain the them that you are an emotional post-op amputee and to tell them what you lost is NEVER GROWING BACK, and you need time to LEARN HOW TO WALK ALL OVER AGAIN. And please do me a personal favor and bring this up when they are faces with something similar, not to rub it in their faces, but to make sure that they understand how crippling tragedies like these actually are. You're not an assho
They are awful people. You can stop babysitting their kids whenever you want. They should kiss your feet for every day you want to do it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I think what is really interesting here is that your brother and SIL are suddenly aware that all the good will you have provided for 4 years actually has a price tag for most people who aren't as fortunate to have a kind, loving sister like you. I often find myself in similar situations when I keep giving and giving and people expect more. Grief is a miserable thing that you have no control over. It's on its own schedule. Just let yourself heal. When you are on an airplane and the flight attendants are giving instructions, they always tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. That's because you can't help others if you aren't in a healthy place. You, obviously, love your neices. I don't think that a kind request for 2 weeks to do some healing after a traumatic experience is too much to ask! You take care of you. Sending love.
Ok you are NOT the a**. In my state babysitters make at least $15 per hour per child. (Not daycare that's a lot more), So you have been doing this for FREE for four years. So actually THEY OWE YOU at least $96,000.00 just for being with the children. That doesn't count the incidentals like food, outings, miscellaneous. You owe them NOTHING!! Being thankful that they have someone who loves those babies and wants the best for them should be top on their list. You didn't make those babies and you didn't force them to have them. It is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY!! Take the time you need for your grief,. It will take you as much time as it needs too. Bless you.
Every Parent should know that it is wise to have a back up babysitter. Why did they not do this? This babysitter should be used from time to time. Just to give the steady babysitter some breaks. It's also good for the kids to have a different take on things. And yes if you calculated the costs of Child Care in your area. You would definetly see the large amount that they saved. It might possibly be the $25,000.00 one writer wrote in about. And then to top it off you paid some costs. They are ungrateful. It is true that momentarily someone can panic with your short notice. But then reality should of kicked in. An apology should of been giving to you. Sometimes emergencies happen. And your mental health was one. Whether you were laying in a Hospital bed or not. Or you needed to fly out with a family emergency. Brother and SIL need to acquire some empathy and loose their intitled attitude. Before a rift becomes permanent in your relationship. And they loose this cushy perk.
NTA! A refund is ££ received paid back - you have received NO ££ & spent out. What would they do if nursery closed or childminder got sick?? The death of a dear friend esp in tragic circumstances is awful & you, & your actual employer recognises - needs time off. I lost a friend in difficult circumstances - It nearly destroyed me & that's without this kind of abuse. Pls flow your instinct for timeout for you. They risk loosing a functioning Aunty in longer term this way.Honestly seems abusive. Sounds like the role evolves to more work w extra baby & older kid without any checks on your availability to take it on. I'm wondering if your infertility despite clearly love kids contributes 2this dynamic?Are you allowing them to take huge advantage coz it's the closest thing? Or maybe you feel unworthy to live without having some mothering role?? Maybe he told himself *they* are doing you a favor these yrs.
Every advise given is ignored and she makes excuses for her brothers attitude. I guess she likes being taken advantage of. I don't know why she bothered telling this story if she's fine with her brothers attitude.
This actually makes me mad! WTF Maybe bill them for the last couple years babysitting. What if you or a child was really sick? Don't they have sick leave of their own?? Sounds like maybe they not have multiple kids if they can't afford them?!! They are your nieces NOT your children Your brother and SIL sound very selfish
Op don't pay them you were doing them a favor by watching the kids. I'm sorry for your loss about your friend! Just let the parents figure it out!
They should be paying you to watch their kids even though you may have done it previously for free entitled people always get what's coming to them
They should be paying you to watch their kids even if you previously did it for free entitled people will get what's coming to them they always do
Grow up! This issue shouldn't have gotten as far as it is. Your brother and his wife took advantage of you and your husband. Grow up and stop it immediately. Those kids aren't your issue. You didn't make them. So why vest time when yourself and husband need 'you' more. Sorry about the death, but screw your brother and wife. Give them back their kids. There's only relatives not a job or duty. Stop it now.
This whole thing is fishy. Explain to me why she needs to "refund" them. Refund connotes that she received something from them to refund. She has not been compensated. WTH do they and she think she owes them? Now, if she's referring to paying herself for outside care for THEIR kids, No. No! No! She's not the a-hole but this is a ridiculous situation she should end. Being nice is wonderful. Being a doormat is foolish.
I had to go through this with one of my brothers. He is a cook and his wife is a home care worker. When they had their first daughter, they arranged their work schedules around mine. Without asking me. I worked around my kids school schedule, so it was pretty predictable. They never asked.By the time she was 3 months old, they started dropping her off so they could have couple time,too.I finally put my foot down when they started leaving her with my teenage son, who watched his school age siblings during summer. Yes, I realize that sounds hypocritical, but I work retail and I'm divorced. I still have to support my kids, and I paid my son in video games and Taco Bell. He's a man of simple tastes. They, however could have simply worked different shifts and took care of their own kid.
I can't believe how many people think this is okay! I wrote about this on Reddit under r/entitledparents a couple of years ago. A friend of mine was working from home at that time for a major company in customer service, and they required complete silence in the background so her own kids did their school and kept quiet during work hours. Her sister, who did not work, started dropping her own children off with my friend so she could shop in peace. My friend finally had to tell her daughter not to answer the door because her sister would not stop, so the sister got mad and left the kids in the parking lot and left. They were discovered when one of them fell and busted their lip. My friend had to drop everything and take the kids to the ER and her sis would not answer her phone. My friend lost her job but found a better one, sis's husband found out what she had been doing, that she was addicted to shopping, and when sis refused to get help the husband kicked her out and kept the kids.
Where? There's literally one person who isn't praising OP, me! I think she's full of s**t and clearly lying about getting paid to baby. I mean, why else wouldn't she post a screenshot of their comments of some kind of proof? She could have made fake ones in 5 minutes, but was too lazy to bother. You all are to nieve and need to start demanding evidence when these clout chasers show up.
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Refund what? A refund requires a payment and since they didn't pay you for baby sitting they don't get one. They are taking a huge advantage of you and that's sad. It is their responsibility to make sure that their children have a daycare not yours. Very incentive and very entitled. Please don't let them guilt you into continuing or payment that's just wrong. You don't have to babysit for free first of all, them not being able to afford is not your problem.
The payments she's clearly lying about getting, but you all are to nieve and nice to call her out. Clout chasing at it's finest, IMO.
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Oh my goodness, if I had a sister like you, I would be so grateful. Even 30 mins looking after the kids is gold. Well done for being there for your brother. However you don’t owe him JACK. They should beg you if they need help and they should work around you. Even grandparents need a break when taking care of kids. If one’s having kids with the mind of stressing others, then they shouldn’t.
IDK, sure seems like she's lying about getting paid. Sure seems more likely her husband letting her babysit for free, then consider giving them money for the joy of it.
Load More Replies... Poor dear heart. Such a giving person. And such incomprehensible situation. Cinderella comes to mind. Her brother and SIL are amazingly awful AND delusional. Good gravy, just when I think we've hit the bottom of life, someone is busy digging a sub-basement. My thought is for the OP to bail, to quit, to entirely stop helping. It'll be rough but these alleged parents need to learn what reality is all about. If they don't, how can they possibly raise two young humans?
OP: If you ever go back to sitting your nieces...HAVE A CONTRACT!! Even if there's "no payment". Arrange how frequently, amount of hours, if you're available all weekends. Decide how emergencies are to be handled. And if they don't agree to terms being agreed on, you have your answers. BE SURE YOU SET TIME APART FOR YOU & YOUR HUBBY!!! When was the last time you & he were able to just have "you 2 time"? Just because you 2 don't have young ones, it doesn't mean you have to give your time to someone other than 1 another!! Save you, no one else can!!
Of course give them! A Bill for all those years of free babysitting. And please, dear lady, study something that usually human beings studies at age of 18 month - say No. Strict No. Although, most shocking part of all- you have a husband, but you don't have anybody to confront exploitative relatives. How come?
Wait~~you watch the kids for FREE, give them MONEY to pay for the kid's needs, and they have the GALL TO DEMAND MONEY FROM YOU TO COVER DAYCARE?!? You, my dear, ARE A DOORMAT! DO not allow these assholes to beat you down any further~~it's time for you to grow your ladyballs! Never give them another cent. They are NOT YOUR KIDS. If Sparky & Greedy B!tch can't afford their kids they can change their lifestyles, get better jobs, *PAY* SOMEONE ELSE to watch the future entitled darlings. I GUARANTEE that they will work things out once YOU bring your OWN LIFE into FOCUS. QUIT ENABLING THEM~~it's time for them to GROW UP.
You are NTA!! We have been watching my BIL's kids for 4 years...mom , unfortunately, passed away. Before us, my MIL had them but her health got bad. 5- 6 days a week, all year long. No telling us when he has to work weekends, when he's coming to g pick up them or bring them. Extracurricular activities. Feed them, try to discipline them. No cooperation from BIL. No pay. No consideration of our own lives. We raised ours and really just want to be grandparents to our grandbabies. Oh... Have only seen grandbabies a handful of times in all those years. (I just saw my oldest and her kids for the first time in A YEAR.). STAND YOUR GROUND. You have done enough
That the babysitter has actually entertained the thought of compensating her brother and SIL and is so mealy mouthed about the entire affair, makes me sick. Tell them to drop dead, yesterday. For crying out loud. If you don’t, your pathetic and you’re inviting this abuse. Cause that’s what it is, abuse.
This is EXACTLY why I am happy none of my family lives near me. Miss them dearly, but they would be the ones to take advantage of me.
I never understand people, who barely can feed and pay for one kid, then decide to have a second child and are entitled to help and support from family and even the government. If you decide to have kids then you are responsible for them - for the rest of your life, no one else but you as their parent. Help can be offered but should never be demanded. It was their decision. So many kids suffer because their parents are irresponsible and underestimated the cost and time and energy it takes to have kids and then they don't even stop at one . . .
Mind boggling example of no good deed goes unpunished. It really sucks about your friend; take as much time as you need to grieve properly. So glad you realize you need some serious self care and I love the fact that your husband agrees. That being said, it doesn't matter why you would inform your AH brother that you won't be babysitting. You help out financially, as well as with your time and energy. This has gone from being generous to being taken advantage of. Sounds like the same thing is happening to your mom. Your husband is right, absolutely Do. Not. Pay. Them. Both parents work so they should make enough to take care of the basics. If they don't, they need to figure out how they can do so without insisting you fix their inconvenience. Maybe you and your mother should start adding to the education funds instead of constantly handing money to these delusional people. NTA OP, good luck. 🖤
No...you do not have to pay anything!!!. They are your brothers children, let them take care of their responsibilities!!!. Take all the time you need to heal yourself
I'm in the States so can't speak to the UK, but...brother maybe doesn't know that as a parent he pays the childcare provider no matter what over here. Takes a family vacation for two weeks and the child does not go? He pays to maintain her spot. Private provider takes two weeks vacation and cannot tend the child? The contract he should have signed probably stipulates two weeks paid vacation. In short, show them the money. They are entitled jerks, especially given they have been receiving this service for years and haven't paid one thin dime. If I were the sister I would tell them to fark straight off. Here are my requirements. This is market rate. I will discount this ten percent because we're family. Here is an invoice for the last four years at the same rate. Agree to my terms and we will consider the invoice information only. Get snotty with me and we will see if it is enforceable. Ball's in your court, a-hole.
N T A. Sweetie. You just suffered a DEVASTATING loss. YOUR brother and sil. Are NOT only taking ADVANTAGE if you there being ASSHOLS about. YOU do NOT iwe them one red penny. AND DON'T YOU DARE give them one red penny Write them a letter. And be BRUTTLY honest. Then CUT THEM OUT if your LIFE. You gave Bern doing this for free. Not I ONLY gave they become ENTITLED now their now LECHES. I hope in the mean timebyiu seek grief therapy and and come term with your loss. It just may take time. God's Speed to ya.
We really can't afford to have kids or take care of them, but let's have them anyway. Smh.
I don’t get it. Are these your kids or your brothers? I don’t get why if they are your brothers he would demand you pay him for the cost of childcare when you are doing him a favor. That’s just stupid entitlement. Drop those BB’s back at your brother’s and tell him to f**k off. Why are you being such a push over?
I would send them a bill for all the years of free child care, then cut the POS's from your life. Clearly the don't see you as anything but a resource.
Often with these situations, I think the best thing to do is print off the original question, and the answers people have supplied. It's one thing hearing it from a family member, but the comments from strangers are so much harsher.
I dont understand why people post these questions are you stupid.You are an adult and not a slave so stand up and say no.If you act like a doormat dont whine when people walk all over you ffs.
Let's face it, she will always be a doormat. She needs to come out in the countryside for some good common sense therapy. I would teach her how to put a boot in their selfish asses.
Load More Replies... God you people are nieve! She's clearly lying. They paid her for child care and want their money back. I like how she has zero proof, not even edited screenshots that could be done in 5 minutes! Truly a lazy person trying to get free money from a sibling and some clout from a story she made up.
A refund would imply they ever gave you money in the first place. Also, any one else skeeved when they had to specifically mention their husband's sperm? No? Just me? 🤣 To be serious tho, no one needs an explanation to why you didn't have kids. It's a choice people make and no one else needs to know why, nor is there an explanation owed.
It's almost like she's lying about getting paid and clout chasing online. That can't be though, woman never lie. Amber Heard would be proud 😂
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“She jerked her services away…” No, Beck, no she did not! She underwent a profoundly traumatic experience that left her temporarily incapable of providing an appropriate level of care for two young, vulnerable, children. As a parent it is YOUR responsibility to understand that the free care you rely upon is subject to that person’s ability to provide it. If they are suddenly incapable of providing that care, you would be screwed; not by them but by your own failure to plan for “what if?” How dare you suggest that someone experiencing deep grief place more mental and emotional stress on themselves to “keep the peace”? Her family owes her empathy, compassion and gratitude. Characteristics they and your post are lacking.
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For their inconvenience, OP should refund them the last year’s child care fees they paid her. Oh, wait…
They unable to care for existing children, but still make more. That kind of people
Load More Replies... "Pay us so we can find child care..." Screw that... She needs to invoice 'em for the sitting done to date, letting them know that the invoice (for now) is hypothetical...if they keep being pig headed bullies, the invoice will become real.
That's what she needs to do ... itemize the monetary worth of the work she's done in the past 4 years babysitting and show them that that was what they saved this whole time and if they can't compensate the work already done, there is, absolutely, no reason for her to compensate them for work she's not going to do ...
Load More Replies... How can they demand a refund for money they never even paid???? Give them an invoice for the amount of money they would have paid for childcare and demand they pay you. Since they are treating your kindness like a business, do the same and demand the money you are owed. They are ungrateful freeloaders with no common sense and zero humanity. You took 2 weeks off to recover. Since when is 2 weeks notice not sufficient. And you aren't even obligated Or compensated! Them fining you for wages snot paid is ludicrous and beyond insulting. Were they both dropped on their heads to be so nonsensical?
I was present to a conversation between my SIL and her mother. SIL: "We'll be dropping Ty over on Saturday morning." Mother: "No you won't." SIL: "But Mike and I had plans." Mother "Your father and I being retired does not translate to free babysitting whenever you feel like it. Your father and I have earned the right to have our weekends free. If you want us to watch Ty, please be respectful of our time and call to see if we already have plans in place for ourselves." My SIL was angry. I thought "Wow...I'd never just drop my son off on anyone without calling first and getting their ok." People surprise me with their selfishness sometimes.
Wow. Dumping em on your own parents is bad enough, but on your inlaws, wow.
Load More Replies... Unpopular opinion I am sure but if their resources are already stretched thin enough after having one child, why choose to have another?
Exactly. People like that should be sterilised and snipped after the first kid. They're so entitled and selfish.
Load More Replies... Women on Reddit, you need to learn a new word: NO. Actually it‘s a full sentence.
People in general need to learn that sentence. I have a brother who still hasn't picked it up.
Load More Replies... "She also told me that if I was going to be like this I should not have taken up the responsibility of looking after them in the first place" ....Said the people who had kids and can't afford them.
Where is their responsibility in creating a situtaion they cant afford? Stop babysitting full stop. Stop providing money. Put the money into a trust fond for their kids for later. I watched my BF put herself into an early grave taking care of everyone elses needs financially and otherwise. The people who took advantage of her havent changed.
Yes, it is impossible to fill a black hole, and they're black holes. You will always bad , no matter how much you gave
Load More Replies... This poor woman doesn’t value herself or her time. I know she loves those children but they are their parents’ responsibility. Maybe they need to get better paying jobs to afford the necessary childcare. Very sad situation for this woman, to be treated so horribly after giving so much of herself. I know that feeling…
She feeds them as well when 'babysitting' (it's not babysitting if it's basically full time daycare IMO) and in one of her replies was like - well my SIL did provide diapers and such. As if SIL was doing her a FAVOUR
Load More Replies... I only have one suggestion. LOCK YOUR DOORS!!! When they try and drop the kids off and you're out of sight in your office, and they can't get in, that might, MIGHT, let them know you've had enough. If your brother calls and starts complaining, just say "so sue me" and hang up. Your brother and SIL are grifters who are using you to make their lives easier and cheaper. Don't let them. And where is YOUR husband? Why isn't he standing up to them? Is he letting you do all the emotional work?
Good idea, and good point. Actually, if they do have the nerve to try and drop off their children, they shouldn't even expect her to be at home... who knows, she might decide to go on a short trip or something, which would be perfectly valid.
Load More Replies... Hun, 1-, taking all this abuse, is it possible that you may think given you and your husband's challenges with conceiving it's the closest you'll come to "having kids?" That I think is what your brother and his wife is banking on and the guilt trips that's forced on you. 2- You are in essence paying for the laziness and lack of planning for daycare for their family and bullying you into babysitting for years. 3- You did not " decide on the timing" of your friends passing and how it would affect you. 4- it's not your job as their aunt to help raise them and pay for their dental and other stuff. What's next, drive the kids to soccer, tennis, dancing lessons and maybe pay for all of that ad well. Tell yourself I'm the aunt not the parent. This will never end until YOU END IT sugar.
I hate gaslighting families! I have had issues with my own. No of course she doesn't owe them anything. Just cut them off entirely. Not just the baby sitting, but the financial help she has been giving as well. Love the children but don't enable the parents.
Unfortunately, if you give people an inch they take a mile. Somehow there people got it into their heads that OP is some kind of indentured servant to them, I only hope she speaks up for herself and takes the time she needs. Bekng a parent means that sometimes you can't get childcare at short notce, but you get through it. B and SIL have been spoiled so much they probably never made this sacrifice
They probably never made a sacrifice. I'm betting they have more money than they're telling her.
Load More Replies... "You're selfish and acting like the world revolves around your problems." Only those with glass houses ever throw stones.
Ok first of all you have taken care of someone else's kids for free for awhile now. You did what you thought was right. At some point this habit people have of enabling others is going to have to end. Your brother is trying to manipulate you using your nieces and nephews. He trying to extort money from you based on the fact he now has to pay like everyone else. He thinks because you are vulnerable right now you will buckle under. My advice don't buckle. The next step will be if you don't want to pay or sit for free I will not let you even see them. Do not buckle. Time for people to grow the f**k up and take some responsibility.
It's called being taken for granted and the fact that they haven't taken the time to allow her to grieve for a lost friend is calculating and heartless
She's been used so long and so thoroughly by her family that she's lost track of herself! Shell really be the A@@ if she let's them keep playing her.
It is impossible to fill a black hole, you will Ah for them become of anything... Saw person who tried - she was milking to death and after, saw one who was feed up and said No! And nobody died, things went even better after some time.
Load More Replies... Do NOT under any circumstances give them any money. You don't owe them anything. But, going forward, write up a contract and charge them for child care. Even if it's only $5 per day per child or even only $1 per day per child. This will give them something to actually compare what they would pay on the market to what the bargain they're getting with you. Make it very clear that you provide child care at your convenience and can cancel at any time. If they want something better, they can can pay full price on the market.
Think more like $40 a day, per child! And those kids won't get the one~on~one attention that the Aunt is giving. PLEASE, I hope this woman gets control of her life!
Load More Replies... So many doormats out there being taken advantage of. I wouldn't watch them for one more day after that. No one is owed free child care. If you can't afford your kids, you shouldn't have had any.
If she can scrape up a backbone she should put a boot in their asses 🤣.
Load More Replies... Caregiver burnout is a real thing. Take your time to grieve, tell your brother his children are just that his and his responsibility. You pay him what he has paid you, nothing. Childcare cost over $6000 plus a year. You have already saved him that much. He owes you big time! (29 year childcare provider)
Where doea childcare only cost $6000/yr???? That's about $2.50 an hour. In a childcare facility with multiple children, perhaps. $2.50 isn't a living wage in any developed country!!
Load More Replies... I feel like this should not even be a discussion. NO. This is bull****, and any sane person would tell them to GTH. Furthermore, I think I’d stop sitting their kids altogether. I cannot believe how self centered and entitled some people are. Good grief. Who raises these people?
That girl has no backbone whatsoever. She should slap the s**t out of brother and sin. Talk about needing a wakeup call. My brothers and sisters know not to try s**t like that.She needs to put a boot in there a*s. Hell the young woman needs a boot in the a*s for not setting these two asswipes straight.
Load More Replies... NTA not only are you providing them with free child care but also helping them out with expenses.. Please do not give them a penny you're a saint for the all help you do provide. When they decided to start a family they knew there would expenses involved in raising children and should have waited until they were financially able to provide these things not expect you to make up the difference. I understand you may want to continue caring for your niece's as you probably have developed a close bond with them but make sure you are doing so on your terms don't allow them to guilt you into it.
These can't be real?! This is some crazy stuff right here..OP has to bee white.. I swear you try this in a Black or Mexican Family and you are getting knocked out.. How can you even say this to your sister?? And her husband?? What a little b***h.. I would have called her brother and been like look homie you can come collect the money yourself it's in my backyard bro.. I will personally hand it to you.. Then beat the c**p out of ol boy once he reached out for the money in my yard.. That way I can say he got wild then knocked out because my family was scared.. Promise you he would not be begging again after that
Honey, I m white as Virginia snow and I can assure you that regardless of color this s**t happens . Hell my SIL wouldn't even consider me as a babysitter, I believe lil asses should be whipped when they deserve it, she didn't, so I never had to be bothered with babysitting. If any fool thought I would pay for their childcare, would end up with one of those lil asswhippings. If this woman is dumb enough too pay childcare for someone else's kids, she's a freaking fool. Why in the hell does she need advice about paying for childcare. Some people are too stupid to live. This girl needs to come visit my house to find her backbone, hell I will even throw in a hambone.
Load More Replies... Givethem an envelope filled with nothing because that's what you git paid so if you are paying them back, that's what they get back.
The fact that your friend passed away isn't even part of this justification. Nobody. Nobody owes you childcare. They are your children and your responsibility. If you have family that's always willing to babysit for you, that's great, but is it is ALWAYS still a favor they are doing you. F this brother and sister in law. I feel bad because I'm sure op loves her nieces, but F her brother.
This poor Lil girl needs to come to Mississippi, I will help her find her backbone. I will also teach her how to put a boot in those two's a*s . How does people cow down to mfrs like this.
Load More Replies... This is one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever read. That people like these parents exist blows my mind. I suspect theyve been gaslighting the OP for a very long time for OP to even consider that something as inconceivable as paying for not proving free care while grieving might be ok. I suspect this isn’t the only way they bully or manipulate OP into doing what they want.
I'm sure they'll threaten to never let her see the kids again~~no one should ever fall for that BS. I'd show up to family gathers unannounced so I ran across the kids~~let those freaks show their asses to the world.
Load More Replies... I think that it's really great that you choose to watch your brother's kids but it in no way is your responsibility. Your brother is being selfish and inconsiderate. The sacrifice should come from the parents when life happens. That's what you automatically sign up for when you become parents. You need to set some healthy boundaries for your brother and his SO right now for moving forward. His entitlement needs to be put in check.
You helped pay for dental and other stuff? No wonder they feel entitled you got them to be that way by letting them walk all over you since the beginning
Not true! Interactions on relationships don't work linearly like a simple cause and effect. As much as one persons's agreeableness and excess generosity triggers more entitled behaviours, the threats and excessive anger triggers a motivation to avoid conflict and not set boundaries which then again makes the other person think what they're doing is okay. It's circular - the behaviours complement and enhance each other equally.
Load More Replies... Family who acts like everyone needs to genuflect to their kids' needs don't fare as well as they'd like to believe. Family wills have a way of getting whittled down to the ones who weren't entitled a-holes every minute of their "Woe is me, it takes a village to raise my kids" brigade.
NTA don't pay them one red cent. You don't owe them a damn thing. If I pay them anything. It just lets them know that they can run over you. They are not worth sacrificing your dignity for.
Potential solution, OP: Let the ingrates know that the average # annual work hrs, not counting OT/commuting, is 2,087. Inform them that had you charged $10/hr (discounted family rate) for 1 child for 3 yrs, and threw in the 2nd child at no additional cost for Yr4 - 2,080 hrs x 4yrs = 8,320 hrs x $10/hr = over $84k of free childcare. Say you accept responsibility for the short notice cancellation and will credit them $10/hr for 40 hrs but they must collect it from the $84k unpaid care you've already provided. In the selfsame correspondence inform them that EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: due to physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and personal burnout, it would be negligent of you to continue to care for your beloved nieces as you are unable to provide the same level of care to which they are accustomed. Once they shop for a replacement, let them BEG YOU... they will NEVER find childcare for 2 for $10/hr, let alone free! Stand your ground, they are unworthy, and you are NTA!!!
Reminds me of the post where the grandparents are raising the grandchild because she was too young to raise her. Daughter in her 30's has another kid she is too "busy" to raise and now expects her parents to raise e latest kid! F a bunch of that you entitle piece of c**p!!
Ugh. My friends son does this to his mom. He moved back in with her, with his son, and now acts like a teenager again. Sleeps all day. Out all night. She has several health issues, so it is not easy for her to chase after a toddler all day. When she told him he needed to step up and act like a father, he turns to his son and says “I guess grandma don’t love you”. I want to kick his butt. Not my place though. She has coddled him all his life.
Load More Replies... You should move and not tell him where you live. I would of not opened the door or laughed in their face
What is seriously wrong with people? She is the ah for having let them take advantage of her like this for so long. She should not be giving them a dime. They need to deal with their own s**t and she needs to grieve. Why is she even putting any thought into this. People who let people take advantage of them are ridiculous
You clearly dont understand psychological abuse and manipulation.
Load More Replies... Please stop making excuses from two grown people who are completely taking advantage of you. I am 44 single mom. My boys are now 21 and 19. They started daycare as arm babies. Huge expense for one income. They have two. You are not obligated to pay their child care. We all need a break. Take care of self first and for most. From what I'm reading and some of your responses, you seem very easy going and don't know how to say NO. I use to be the same way. Always doing for others and my kids. When I started saying no, let's just say I saw a difference in how they treated me. Oh well
Poor thing she is grieving! Her brother needs to step it up and handle his business. My husband and I struggled with 5 children and had to work opposite shifts.i wouldn't have dreamed of pawning off our children to my single sister. Also on top of the stress she's going through they'll probably hold the neices against her. Yuck
You are so NOT the a-hole but your brother and his wife are huge ones. You didn't give birth to those children and they have been taking advantage of your generosity for too long now. You told them not to bring their kids to your house for their own safety as you are in a bad place now, well that is what is called child neglect on their part. They knowingly put their children in danger leaving them with someone who is not capable at the moment to take care of them, CPS could be called and then they would be in a world of c**p. Tell them to pull their heads out of their entitled butts and figure out their own life, its not up to you to do it for them. What would they do if you were to end up in the hospital? Would they drop the kids off in your hospital room and hope for the best? Lock your door and don't answer, you don't own them anything. Take care of yourself because you are the most important person right now.
Explain what the phrase ". doing you a favor" means. You might settle this by telling your brother and sister-in-law you agree to pay for the extra baby sitting. Tell them you've decided a fair amount to pay them is exactly the amount they have been paying you. Sounds fair to me. They set the standard for babysitting fees, so that's the amount you'll pay. Hon, they are using you horribly. And their attitude of you owe them is beyond pathetic. Tell them what they were going to pay you, they can use that to pay for child care until you are feeling better. And a Mad Dragon said, "... child care fees they paid you...... Oh wait!!!!!!!
Im so sorry for your loss. NTA you have made their lives easier for 4 years. Everyone deserves time off, break. Im sure 1 of them have vacation hours that they can take to watch their own children. As much as you love your nieces at the end of the day they are still just your nieces and not your responsibility! Their care and the payment for that care lays squarely on the parents. If they cannot afford that care there are systems in place that can help them. You need to focus on getting yourself the help you need for your grief. Prayers that you find a way to get this thru to them without loosing the closeness that you have now with those little girls. They deserve better from their parents. You deserve more from your brother...
How dare them!! This subject/situation frequently comes up. It always angers me. When it relates to child/baby sitting people never seem to be truly grateful regardless of how fair and helpful a person is. You owe them nothing. Absolutely nothing! Pay them if they insist and never commit your services again.. Eventually it will be realized what a blessing you were. Move on it’s their lost trust me. Trust worthy, dependable and loving sitters are EXTREMELY hard to find and also are EXTREMELY costly. Don’t walk. RUN and move on.!
What a load of garbage! This makes me so mad because I’ve had to deal with people that I’m not even related to who act like this and I had to move to get them to quit dumping their kid off on me. She doesn’t owe them squat! They need to be slapped upside the he add for abusing her generosity!
I identify with your situation a lot :/ As a parentified child I have always put on a giving role in my relationship with my (funnily enough) older sister who on the other hand grew as a 'baby' in family dynamics. I've always helped her out and could sometimes count on her emotional support but almost never physcial one. She also acted super entitled when for once I refused helping her - do I get the feeling od responsibility for cocreating a dynamic and expectations. But you know, it takes two to build a toxic dynamic - and well, you are not the one who is a main beneficient od it too. What I think is best is everyone taking just a little bit od responsibility (which does NOT mean guilt!) on their part -I'll explain what I mean by that. You see, I don't know how it worked with you but in my experience but in mine being a people pleaser in relationships is a part od who I AM and how I was raised
So having general troubles with setting boundaries and feeling guilty for taking care od my needs if I don't take care of someone elses needs first (which makes me even lie sometimes about not feeling burdened by things or not being angry at anything to avoid confrontation) is something that I bring into the relationship. My sister though brings entitlement and disregard for my needs even if they are communicated. Many people here suggest you cut off your brother completely or participate on some kind od power games. I don't think that would be necessary - I think it's best to simply honestly state your boundary and your feelings and reasons behind it, no matter the reaction. What I kinda regret doing in my situation is completely flipping out on my sister and bringing out the whole history of my mistreatments in a long angry monologue. Setting boundary did make her respect my needs and boundaries more
Load More Replies... Sadly, I have known people this demanding and self involved.
Load More Replies... Tell your AH brother that you will refund them exactly zero dollars. In fact, if they don't get off your back and leave you alone you will take them to small claims court and sue them for four years of back child care costs. And tell them good luck with life and figuring out adulting without your help. Gawd.
I used to babysit for my sister & my cousin. Usually with my mom so it was easier. But they'd also bring me in for several days or even a week once. I was happy to do it. It gave me something to do for a bit. Would still love to occasionally do it for someone anyone. I love kids I just don't want my own. But the difference is I was disabled & so not working. Plus usually it was both my mom & me doing it. That makes it a lot easier. But I still over did it a lot & would pretty much collapse when I got home. Both of us did. But none of them took me or my mom for granted. They'd always leave money to do something because they knew we didn't have as much. It was also our form of a vacation. Even my sister's friends loved to get us to babysit. Especially on New Years because they knew we'd safely have them all night & morning. I'd never put up with this b******t though.
Wow. This post makes me incredibly angry. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I'm angry that OP is such an idiot. Like why are you stressed and unsure if she should compensate them for her needed break. Like wtf? She is UNPAID for any of her babysitting. Brother does not give any money for food or activities or anything. It's all probono and she for some wild reason questions if she should compensate? Then in the comments someone said she gave the equivalent of 25K over the years. Then OP comments that she has spent nowhere near that much but she does help THEM PAY THEIR OTHER CHILDRENS BILLS LIKE SCHOOL FEES DENTAL FEES DIAPERS like what the actual f**k. On top of feeding them and WATCHING them. The 25K was referring to CHILDCARE alone. This woman is so naive its actually making me SUPER angry and I don't know why. Who raised her.
NTA. First, let me say that Im very sorry for your loss. Last year was awful for us, lost an uncle, an aunt, father-in-law and then we lost our son in an accident. From experience, you will have waves of emotion that you have every right to experience on your own terms. The fact that you have been kind enough to volunteer to support your brother and SIL by looking after your neices until now, they should be extremely grateful and appreciative. It sounds like they are not supportive of you and you need to separate yourself from them or you can share with them a list of your new demands. You hold the upper hand in this deal.
Make a list of the hours you spent with "THEIR" kids since they were born, extra expenses and other matters, like your time to heal as you need and "maybe", they realize that they owe you more than they are asking for. They shouldn't have kids they can't afford
This message is more than likely going to be buried, but I hope it reaches you, Firstly, I'm assuming the four of you, (Bro, sil, husbando and yourself) are two fairly young couples, therefore haven't yet been exposed to any significant loss yet. I'm not sugfeati g you or either of your family members are weak or spoiled in anyway, but I am of the opinion that they can't really relate, understand, or even care about your feelings right now, because they've never been through anything like this themselves. I'd you lost an arm they wouldn't expect you work, so why should this be any different. Explain the them that you are an emotional post-op amputee and to tell them what you lost is NEVER GROWING BACK, and you need time to LEARN HOW TO WALK ALL OVER AGAIN. And please do me a personal favor and bring this up when they are faces with something similar, not to rub it in their faces, but to make sure that they understand how crippling tragedies like these actually are. You're not an assho
They are awful people. You can stop babysitting their kids whenever you want. They should kiss your feet for every day you want to do it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I think what is really interesting here is that your brother and SIL are suddenly aware that all the good will you have provided for 4 years actually has a price tag for most people who aren't as fortunate to have a kind, loving sister like you. I often find myself in similar situations when I keep giving and giving and people expect more. Grief is a miserable thing that you have no control over. It's on its own schedule. Just let yourself heal. When you are on an airplane and the flight attendants are giving instructions, they always tell you to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. That's because you can't help others if you aren't in a healthy place. You, obviously, love your neices. I don't think that a kind request for 2 weeks to do some healing after a traumatic experience is too much to ask! You take care of you. Sending love.
Ok you are NOT the a**. In my state babysitters make at least $15 per hour per child. (Not daycare that's a lot more), So you have been doing this for FREE for four years. So actually THEY OWE YOU at least $96,000.00 just for being with the children. That doesn't count the incidentals like food, outings, miscellaneous. You owe them NOTHING!! Being thankful that they have someone who loves those babies and wants the best for them should be top on their list. You didn't make those babies and you didn't force them to have them. It is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY!! Take the time you need for your grief,. It will take you as much time as it needs too. Bless you.
Every Parent should know that it is wise to have a back up babysitter. Why did they not do this? This babysitter should be used from time to time. Just to give the steady babysitter some breaks. It's also good for the kids to have a different take on things. And yes if you calculated the costs of Child Care in your area. You would definetly see the large amount that they saved. It might possibly be the $25,000.00 one writer wrote in about. And then to top it off you paid some costs. They are ungrateful. It is true that momentarily someone can panic with your short notice. But then reality should of kicked in. An apology should of been giving to you. Sometimes emergencies happen. And your mental health was one. Whether you were laying in a Hospital bed or not. Or you needed to fly out with a family emergency. Brother and SIL need to acquire some empathy and loose their intitled attitude. Before a rift becomes permanent in your relationship. And they loose this cushy perk.
NTA! A refund is ££ received paid back - you have received NO ££ & spent out. What would they do if nursery closed or childminder got sick?? The death of a dear friend esp in tragic circumstances is awful & you, & your actual employer recognises - needs time off. I lost a friend in difficult circumstances - It nearly destroyed me & that's without this kind of abuse. Pls flow your instinct for timeout for you. They risk loosing a functioning Aunty in longer term this way.Honestly seems abusive. Sounds like the role evolves to more work w extra baby & older kid without any checks on your availability to take it on. I'm wondering if your infertility despite clearly love kids contributes 2this dynamic?Are you allowing them to take huge advantage coz it's the closest thing? Or maybe you feel unworthy to live without having some mothering role?? Maybe he told himself *they* are doing you a favor these yrs.
Every advise given is ignored and she makes excuses for her brothers attitude. I guess she likes being taken advantage of. I don't know why she bothered telling this story if she's fine with her brothers attitude.
This actually makes me mad! WTF Maybe bill them for the last couple years babysitting. What if you or a child was really sick? Don't they have sick leave of their own?? Sounds like maybe they not have multiple kids if they can't afford them?!! They are your nieces NOT your children Your brother and SIL sound very selfish
Op don't pay them you were doing them a favor by watching the kids. I'm sorry for your loss about your friend! Just let the parents figure it out!
They should be paying you to watch their kids even though you may have done it previously for free entitled people always get what's coming to them
They should be paying you to watch their kids even if you previously did it for free entitled people will get what's coming to them they always do
Grow up! This issue shouldn't have gotten as far as it is. Your brother and his wife took advantage of you and your husband. Grow up and stop it immediately. Those kids aren't your issue. You didn't make them. So why vest time when yourself and husband need 'you' more. Sorry about the death, but screw your brother and wife. Give them back their kids. There's only relatives not a job or duty. Stop it now.
This whole thing is fishy. Explain to me why she needs to "refund" them. Refund connotes that she received something from them to refund. She has not been compensated. WTH do they and she think she owes them? Now, if she's referring to paying herself for outside care for THEIR kids, No. No! No! She's not the a-hole but this is a ridiculous situation she should end. Being nice is wonderful. Being a doormat is foolish.
I had to go through this with one of my brothers. He is a cook and his wife is a home care worker. When they had their first daughter, they arranged their work schedules around mine. Without asking me. I worked around my kids school schedule, so it was pretty predictable. They never asked.By the time she was 3 months old, they started dropping her off so they could have couple time,too.I finally put my foot down when they started leaving her with my teenage son, who watched his school age siblings during summer. Yes, I realize that sounds hypocritical, but I work retail and I'm divorced. I still have to support my kids, and I paid my son in video games and Taco Bell. He's a man of simple tastes. They, however could have simply worked different shifts and took care of their own kid.
I can't believe how many people think this is okay! I wrote about this on Reddit under r/entitledparents a couple of years ago. A friend of mine was working from home at that time for a major company in customer service, and they required complete silence in the background so her own kids did their school and kept quiet during work hours. Her sister, who did not work, started dropping her own children off with my friend so she could shop in peace. My friend finally had to tell her daughter not to answer the door because her sister would not stop, so the sister got mad and left the kids in the parking lot and left. They were discovered when one of them fell and busted their lip. My friend had to drop everything and take the kids to the ER and her sis would not answer her phone. My friend lost her job but found a better one, sis's husband found out what she had been doing, that she was addicted to shopping, and when sis refused to get help the husband kicked her out and kept the kids.
Where? There's literally one person who isn't praising OP, me! I think she's full of s**t and clearly lying about getting paid to baby. I mean, why else wouldn't she post a screenshot of their comments of some kind of proof? She could have made fake ones in 5 minutes, but was too lazy to bother. You all are to nieve and need to start demanding evidence when these clout chasers show up.
Load More Replies... Refund what? A refund requires a payment and since they didn't pay you for baby sitting they don't get one. They are taking a huge advantage of you and that's sad. It is their responsibility to make sure that their children have a daycare not yours. Very incentive and very entitled. Please don't let them guilt you into continuing or payment that's just wrong. You don't have to babysit for free first of all, them not being able to afford is not your problem.
The payments she's clearly lying about getting, but you all are to nieve and nice to call her out. Clout chasing at it's finest, IMO.
Load More Replies... Oh my goodness, if I had a sister like you, I would be so grateful. Even 30 mins looking after the kids is gold. Well done for being there for your brother. However you don’t owe him JACK. They should beg you if they need help and they should work around you. Even grandparents need a break when taking care of kids. If one’s having kids with the mind of stressing others, then they shouldn’t.
IDK, sure seems like she's lying about getting paid. Sure seems more likely her husband letting her babysit for free, then consider giving them money for the joy of it.
Load More Replies... Poor dear heart. Such a giving person. And such incomprehensible situation. Cinderella comes to mind. Her brother and SIL are amazingly awful AND delusional. Good gravy, just when I think we've hit the bottom of life, someone is busy digging a sub-basement. My thought is for the OP to bail, to quit, to entirely stop helping. It'll be rough but these alleged parents need to learn what reality is all about. If they don't, how can they possibly raise two young humans?
OP: If you ever go back to sitting your nieces...HAVE A CONTRACT!! Even if there's "no payment". Arrange how frequently, amount of hours, if you're available all weekends. Decide how emergencies are to be handled. And if they don't agree to terms being agreed on, you have your answers. BE SURE YOU SET TIME APART FOR YOU & YOUR HUBBY!!! When was the last time you & he were able to just have "you 2 time"? Just because you 2 don't have young ones, it doesn't mean you have to give your time to someone other than 1 another!! Save you, no one else can!!
Of course give them! A Bill for all those years of free babysitting. And please, dear lady, study something that usually human beings studies at age of 18 month - say No. Strict No. Although, most shocking part of all- you have a husband, but you don't have anybody to confront exploitative relatives. How come?
Wait~~you watch the kids for FREE, give them MONEY to pay for the kid's needs, and they have the GALL TO DEMAND MONEY FROM YOU TO COVER DAYCARE?!? You, my dear, ARE A DOORMAT! DO not allow these assholes to beat you down any further~~it's time for you to grow your ladyballs! Never give them another cent. They are NOT YOUR KIDS. If Sparky & Greedy B!tch can't afford their kids they can change their lifestyles, get better jobs, *PAY* SOMEONE ELSE to watch the future entitled darlings. I GUARANTEE that they will work things out once YOU bring your OWN LIFE into FOCUS. QUIT ENABLING THEM~~it's time for them to GROW UP.
You are NTA!! We have been watching my BIL's kids for 4 years...mom , unfortunately, passed away. Before us, my MIL had them but her health got bad. 5- 6 days a week, all year long. No telling us when he has to work weekends, when he's coming to g pick up them or bring them. Extracurricular activities. Feed them, try to discipline them. No cooperation from BIL. No pay. No consideration of our own lives. We raised ours and really just want to be grandparents to our grandbabies. Oh... Have only seen grandbabies a handful of times in all those years. (I just saw my oldest and her kids for the first time in A YEAR.). STAND YOUR GROUND. You have done enough
That the babysitter has actually entertained the thought of compensating her brother and SIL and is so mealy mouthed about the entire affair, makes me sick. Tell them to drop dead, yesterday. For crying out loud. If you don’t, your pathetic and you’re inviting this abuse. Cause that’s what it is, abuse.
This is EXACTLY why I am happy none of my family lives near me. Miss them dearly, but they would be the ones to take advantage of me.
I never understand people, who barely can feed and pay for one kid, then decide to have a second child and are entitled to help and support from family and even the government. If you decide to have kids then you are responsible for them - for the rest of your life, no one else but you as their parent. Help can be offered but should never be demanded. It was their decision. So many kids suffer because their parents are irresponsible and underestimated the cost and time and energy it takes to have kids and then they don't even stop at one . . .
Mind boggling example of no good deed goes unpunished. It really sucks about your friend; take as much time as you need to grieve properly. So glad you realize you need some serious self care and I love the fact that your husband agrees. That being said, it doesn't matter why you would inform your AH brother that you won't be babysitting. You help out financially, as well as with your time and energy. This has gone from being generous to being taken advantage of. Sounds like the same thing is happening to your mom. Your husband is right, absolutely Do. Not. Pay. Them. Both parents work so they should make enough to take care of the basics. If they don't, they need to figure out how they can do so without insisting you fix their inconvenience. Maybe you and your mother should start adding to the education funds instead of constantly handing money to these delusional people. NTA OP, good luck. 🖤
No...you do not have to pay anything!!!. They are your brothers children, let them take care of their responsibilities!!!. Take all the time you need to heal yourself
I'm in the States so can't speak to the UK, but...brother maybe doesn't know that as a parent he pays the childcare provider no matter what over here. Takes a family vacation for two weeks and the child does not go? He pays to maintain her spot. Private provider takes two weeks vacation and cannot tend the child? The contract he should have signed probably stipulates two weeks paid vacation. In short, show them the money. They are entitled jerks, especially given they have been receiving this service for years and haven't paid one thin dime. If I were the sister I would tell them to fark straight off. Here are my requirements. This is market rate. I will discount this ten percent because we're family. Here is an invoice for the last four years at the same rate. Agree to my terms and we will consider the invoice information only. Get snotty with me and we will see if it is enforceable. Ball's in your court, a-hole.
N T A. Sweetie. You just suffered a DEVASTATING loss. YOUR brother and sil. Are NOT only taking ADVANTAGE if you there being ASSHOLS about. YOU do NOT iwe them one red penny. AND DON'T YOU DARE give them one red penny Write them a letter. And be BRUTTLY honest. Then CUT THEM OUT if your LIFE. You gave Bern doing this for free. Not I ONLY gave they become ENTITLED now their now LECHES. I hope in the mean timebyiu seek grief therapy and and come term with your loss. It just may take time. God's Speed to ya.
We really can't afford to have kids or take care of them, but let's have them anyway. Smh.
I don’t get it. Are these your kids or your brothers? I don’t get why if they are your brothers he would demand you pay him for the cost of childcare when you are doing him a favor. That’s just stupid entitlement. Drop those BB’s back at your brother’s and tell him to f**k off. Why are you being such a push over?
I would send them a bill for all the years of free child care, then cut the POS's from your life. Clearly the don't see you as anything but a resource.
Often with these situations, I think the best thing to do is print off the original question, and the answers people have supplied. It's one thing hearing it from a family member, but the comments from strangers are so much harsher.
I dont understand why people post these questions are you stupid.You are an adult and not a slave so stand up and say no.If you act like a doormat dont whine when people walk all over you ffs.
Let's face it, she will always be a doormat. She needs to come out in the countryside for some good common sense therapy. I would teach her how to put a boot in their selfish asses.
Load More Replies... God you people are nieve! She's clearly lying. They paid her for child care and want their money back. I like how she has zero proof, not even edited screenshots that could be done in 5 minutes! Truly a lazy person trying to get free money from a sibling and some clout from a story she made up.
A refund would imply they ever gave you money in the first place. Also, any one else skeeved when they had to specifically mention their husband's sperm? No? Just me? 🤣 To be serious tho, no one needs an explanation to why you didn't have kids. It's a choice people make and no one else needs to know why, nor is there an explanation owed.
It's almost like she's lying about getting paid and clout chasing online. That can't be though, woman never lie. Amber Heard would be proud 😂
Load More Replies... “She jerked her services away…” No, Beck, no she did not! She underwent a profoundly traumatic experience that left her temporarily incapable of providing an appropriate level of care for two young, vulnerable, children. As a parent it is YOUR responsibility to understand that the free care you rely upon is subject to that person’s ability to provide it. If they are suddenly incapable of providing that care, you would be screwed; not by them but by your own failure to plan for “what if?” How dare you suggest that someone experiencing deep grief place more mental and emotional stress on themselves to “keep the peace”? Her family owes her empathy, compassion and gratitude. Characteristics they and your post are lacking.
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