Woman Spots Red Flags On First Date When Guy Insists On Using Her Bathroom, He Instantly Shows His True Colors When She Refuses
Interview
A first date is always nerve-racking, especially when meeting someone you met online. Not only are you unsure of how their personality will be, but there is always a chance you might not even recognize them from their photos. With sweaty palms and a dry mouth, you quickly chew one last mint before your date arrives and continue nervously scanning the bar for them. It sometimes feels like a miracle when a first-date goes well, as both parties head home on cloud nine feeling hopeful and invigorated from the evening. A great first date is not necessarily a sign that the relationship will be long-lasting, but it can give some indication of the potential couple’s future. Especially if it goes poorly.
2 weeks ago, one woman, BackgroundReporter35 on Reddit, shared the story of a Tinder date she recently went on that seemed to be going well until it took a sharp turn at the end of the night, when her date finally showed his true colors. Confused by the situation, the woman reached out to others online wondering if she did anything wrong. Below, you can read the full story, as well as an interview between Bored Panda and BackgroundReporter35, and weigh in with your thoughts. Then let us know in the comments if you have ever been in a similar situation or how you would have reacted to this man.
One woman recently reached out online to see if she had any fault in her Tinder date that went sour after the man walked her home
Image credits: Vladimir Kudinov (not the actual photo)
Once they arrived, the man tried to convince her to invite him in or let him use her apartment’s bathroom
Image credits: Jorge Gardner (not the actual photo)
The woman offered her date the restroom in her leasing office instead, but he responded with hostility
We reached out to BackgroundReporter35 on Reddit to hear if she has ever had a man speak to her like that before. “I have had men talk to me like that before but never in person,” she told us. “It’s usually over text if I refuse to send photos or if I don’t feed into their flirting.” We also asked if she thinks men realize how vulnerable it can be for a woman living alone to invite men over. “I think the good men can understand how difficult it is to be a woman sometimes,” she said. On the other hand, however, she told us, “I got a lot of replies from men saying I was ridiculous, and that I shouldn’t have met a guy on a dating app if I didn’t want sex.” We also asked if this experience changed her opinion on dating apps. “This experience DID change my experience about online dating, mainly because of the replies I got,” she explained. “I got a lot of people telling me I shouldn’t let men walk me home at all!” Lastly, she added, “I want women and men to know they can say no to aggressive people without being ‘rude’ or ‘b*tchy’.”
Unfortunately safety is something women never really get a break from worrying about, even when on a date. Of course, the vast majority of men will be gentlemen, but the unknown bad apples are what make women feel like they need to be extra cautious. It is always better to be safe than sorry, and men should understand that when a woman sets a boundary, it must be respected. In this post, the woman even mentioned that she had a bad experience with bringing a man she didn’t know into her home before, so she is not being cautious purely out of paranoia. Women feeling unsafe on dates is a startlingly common issue.
Commenters reassured the woman that she made the right choice by following her instincts, as her date was exhibiting major red flags
According to a survey from Security.org, 82% of women consider their safety when on a date, compared to only 48% of men. Women are also over three times as concerned about being sexually assaulted on a date than men, and nearly half of the women surveyed reported worrying about being drugged while on a date, compared to only 16% of men. It is a sad fact that women are more likely to be the victims of assault on a date. The National Crime Agency in the UK reports that the most likely group to be the targets of online dating-related sexual assaults are those between the ages of 20-29, with 83% of these victims being females. We have to remember that many cases never get reported either, so it is even more frightening to consider how many attacks fly under the radar.
The fact of the matter is that this woman’s date did not respect her boundaries and became pushy and aggressive when she offered perfectly reasonable solutions. Clearly, his intentions did not extend past that evening, or he would have happily agreed to meet her the next morning or use another restroom. While I am so glad that this woman made it home safely, it is upsetting to know that any man would react to not getting his way with name-calling and storming off. Have you ever experienced anything like this on a date? We would love to hear your thoughts on the situation in the comments.
Some readers even shared stories of similar situations that turned into nightmares
Never. Never let a stranger in. Don't endanger yourself, don't endanger your roommates. Also, any man who suddenly decides YOU are a psycho because you know weaponry, understand you just outed a wishful attacker. No real man is threatened by an armed woman. Know that.
I came in came thinking "the guy just needs to pee before leaving", to "oh, it wasn't about using the bathroom at all...."
Right, if it was about using the toilet he would have jumped at the opportunity to use the one in the lobby
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She's lucky the guy showed what kind of sketchy manipulator he was so early in the relationship
I have had bathroom emergencies after a date, which is embarrassing enough, but my response would have been, "That will work!", it actually would have been better to use the office bathroom, that way you would not have to destroy her apartment, so it is clear he had bad intent. NTA.
He literally thinks you owe him for the night. If he had to actually use it, he would have asked earlier or taken the lobby bathroom.
The guy sounds like a rapist, and the bored panda writers sound sexist. Things like: "feel like they need to be extra cautious" "she is not being cautious purely out of paranoia" "Women feeling unsafe on dates is a startlingly common issue" Why are they saying this is paranoid at all?! Reality/history/statistics clearly show women do NEED to worry about men(and not just unknown ones). The amount of DOCUMENTED rapes and worse is a startlingly common issue if you ever see the actual numbers. Also, just surviving that sort of thing does not mean you're fine posters. Generally the opposite. Which makes sense when you think.
These type of guys take advantage of women who are too polite, as we are raised to be. Not to manipulate, but perhaps as a safety measure, women could purposely say no to something asked just to see a reaction and determine one's safety.
You did the right thing. He clearly wanted to get into your home, you're quick thinking saved you. Who knows what he would have done to you....!! i personally would never use Tinder, or any dating site.
I met my bf online and I am so glad I did because I didn't run in the same circles or towns. We were both cautious. We have been living together for almost 7 years. We have a house together and he loves all of us. Best man I know.
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The only people that I let use my bathroom other than myself are members of my family. If a male stranger needs to pee that much, they can go in an alley, or a bush, or the leasing office like she told him. His intentions were definitely not good and I am glad she used her intuition to keep him out. However, if it were me, when he called her a name, I would have smacked him in the head with my purse.
"Vast majority of men will be gentlemen"? Not sure I've ever heard something so naive and ignorantly untrue in an article based entirely on earning the trust and respect of women lol. Yet you're automatically downgrading everything else about women's safety by throwing in eh almost all men will be gentlemen anyways. Ontop of the fact that's just hugely false hahahaha
You should NEVER let any man/person know where you live, PERIOD, especially on a first date. I cant believe you did that even after already having had a bad experience before. You ladies need to think!! Before you end up dead, please think before you act.
She didn't let him in. That's literally the entire point of the story. I've said it a million times but it bears repeating: one of the biggest detriments to women gaining real respect and equality are OTHER WOMEN. Women so desperate for male validation that they'll victim blame and mock and deride other women, just to be "not like other girls". Heads up- those girls can be assaulted too. Being "so cool" doesn't protect you. The high and mighty haughtiness won't save you. I pray you never end up in such a situation, but heaven forbid you do- I hope women treat you better than you treated this woman.
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People- don’t be afraid to set your rightful boundaries with anyone and if they refuse, they don’t respect you so you don’t need them in your life.
7/11 doesn’t have a public bathroom though…. So yeah, sounded a little rapey.
That totally depends on the area you live in. Some 7/11's do have a restroom. In Los Angeles they usually don't, in smaller towns or areas some of them do.
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Be weird, be rude, stay alive. Never ever let a stranger, including a first date, into your home. NTA
I'm a dude and I'm very very particular about my porcelain throne. So no means no. You go find a bush or something my man.
I'm so utterly happy that I kept/keep my home address secret from almost every males I've met/meeting. Also from taxi drivers (if it's not my trusted one or one of his trusted colleagues) as the flirting/questioning during the ride makes your alarm bell ring in high alert. Normally leave the taxi at the nearest crossing, dabbling around til the taxi left and walking the few hundred meters home. And notto mention that one guy, who always seemed to have a crush on me and after 4 years realized I would never respond, to make very clear threats to shot me. Police was involved and the case got to court... he's probably lost his title to stay in my country after this last pull.
If the guy had good intentions and really needed to go he would have gone before you left the restaurant or he would have accepted what you offered him. He put out a lot of red flags trying to come inside but they didn't work so he tried one last time to get in. Good thing you didn't push your instincts aside. So many women and girls do because they don"t want to seem rude and end up getting hurt. He was trying to harm you but being "upright" saved you. I'd still watch out for him because he knows where you live and can come back for revenge. Be careful using Tinder or any other dating sites.
This is so disgustingly common. Many men feel entitled to sex for being "a nice guy" and his anger only show that it was exactly what he was expecting. If you would have let him in he would most likely have assaulted or raped you. And of course- because you let him in it "would have been your fault". Good call!
She didn't know the guy that well so she did the right thing. You just never know these days if you're dating a psycho who might try to rape you or worse. We women have to protect ourselves and men need to understand that. Him throwing a tantrum just shows he had bad intentions and at the least, doesn't respect her boundaries.
Look dudes, I'm all for trying to hook up but don't make up dumb excuses trying to get into a woman's place. All of that will happen naturally if it's a good connection. Make your intentions clear and always make sure your date is comfortable! When you learn to be a good man that is respectful and kind you won't have trouble getting invited in. Be genuine because woman can see right through your BS. - If he really needed to use the restroom the one by the leasing office would have been perfect.
Wondering if he was going to open a window lock to enter at later time and always trust your gut
Always go with your gut especially on first date...you did the right thing....
How is this even a question? Of course you never let strangers into your house if you live alone. That is common sense!!!
You definitely did the right thing! This guy sounds like a complete creep!
Biggest red flag... Make a request, give a reason.... if rejected repeat request, but alternate reason. Saw the same cap from a clown trying to get into my car to rob me
Definitely did the right thing He wanted in and was clearly making up every reason to get in. That ain't no gentleman
Good Job , Not letting that psycho in. He showed his true colors at the end of the date. You dodged a Bullet!!!
It's common sense, a single date doesn't mean you know the person so having a stranger inside your home is a no no. If he (or she if roles were reversed) doesn't get it, it's either just dumb or might have bad intentions.
Here's a sobering statistic: The single biggest cause of non-lethal injury to women, is men. So no, it's not "vast majority of men" who are gentlemen with "a few bad apples". In my experience I'd say it's a solid 60/40, and that's being generous. Men need to do better, they need to listen to us, but they rarely do. They only listen to other men.
He dropped the mask there at the end when he cursed her for not letting him have a way in and she is here asking AITA? Girl no. Not even a little bit. Whatever prompted you to tell him no, you were right to go with that feeling.
Babe you did the right thing don't allow a stranger to walk you home on your first date until you know what he does as in work,where he stays and his family
Babe you did made the right choice, don't even a stranger to work you home until u know him very well, where is his home, his family etc
It's quite possible that he wanted to see if you were sharing your medicine cabinet with another man. But certainly the fact that he pulled this stunt on the first date was sufficient cause to kick him to the curb — and his immature reaction to your setting of boundaries warrants issuing a BOLO for this dude in whatever forum you first found him.
I would have chosen a restaurant further from home, one I had to drive to and we could meet at. Especially if it was someone I met online.
Better to be safe than sorry. If he really needed to use the bathroom, he would of used any bathroom regardless of being told no. He could of been a psycho or probably in end up in a relationship with a total jerk so no your not wrong.
He should never have been close to her residence on a first date. Period. Even then, these things are tricky. Once in her place he can overpower her easily, and all the facts leading up to her "inviting" him in would create the appearance that she invited sexual contact, but now regrets it. Just don't do it on a first date.
Definitely NOT! How many places were you where he COULD have used the bathroom and didn't before you got to your place? Nope. Good move on your part.
I actually assumed she caught him goin through her medice cabinet.
I'm shocked this is coming from a woman. You're a sweetheart 💗.
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If he really needed the bathroom how come the one she offered him wasn't good enough? Why did it have to be the one in her apartment? Why did him needing the bathroom only come up after she refused to let him in for other reasons first? Maybe you should get more educated before going off on people who understand it is sus to turn down a bathroom and insist on using yours.
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It was a first date. He is basically a stranger at this point, and she was under NO obligation to let him in her apartment. In fact, her number one obligation was to herself, to make sure she's safe. That's what women in this world have to do. The fact that he kept pushing just shows he wasn't at all interested in respecting boundaries. And it's spelled "Tinder".
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Tinder is not exclusively a "hook up-site" and even if it was - you are not entitled to sex because you go on a date. A date is meant to check how your vibes match and how you get along - it's not "ok where should we go to have sex?" If that's what you're looking for you want a prostitute - not a date from tinder.
Load More Replies... Never. Never let a stranger in. Don't endanger yourself, don't endanger your roommates. Also, any man who suddenly decides YOU are a psycho because you know weaponry, understand you just outed a wishful attacker. No real man is threatened by an armed woman. Know that.
I came in came thinking "the guy just needs to pee before leaving", to "oh, it wasn't about using the bathroom at all...."
Right, if it was about using the toilet he would have jumped at the opportunity to use the one in the lobby
Load More Replies... She's lucky the guy showed what kind of sketchy manipulator he was so early in the relationship
I have had bathroom emergencies after a date, which is embarrassing enough, but my response would have been, "That will work!", it actually would have been better to use the office bathroom, that way you would not have to destroy her apartment, so it is clear he had bad intent. NTA.
He literally thinks you owe him for the night. If he had to actually use it, he would have asked earlier or taken the lobby bathroom.
The guy sounds like a rapist, and the bored panda writers sound sexist. Things like: "feel like they need to be extra cautious" "she is not being cautious purely out of paranoia" "Women feeling unsafe on dates is a startlingly common issue" Why are they saying this is paranoid at all?! Reality/history/statistics clearly show women do NEED to worry about men(and not just unknown ones). The amount of DOCUMENTED rapes and worse is a startlingly common issue if you ever see the actual numbers. Also, just surviving that sort of thing does not mean you're fine posters. Generally the opposite. Which makes sense when you think.
These type of guys take advantage of women who are too polite, as we are raised to be. Not to manipulate, but perhaps as a safety measure, women could purposely say no to something asked just to see a reaction and determine one's safety.
You did the right thing. He clearly wanted to get into your home, you're quick thinking saved you. Who knows what he would have done to you....!! i personally would never use Tinder, or any dating site.
I met my bf online and I am so glad I did because I didn't run in the same circles or towns. We were both cautious. We have been living together for almost 7 years. We have a house together and he loves all of us. Best man I know.
Load More Replies... The only people that I let use my bathroom other than myself are members of my family. If a male stranger needs to pee that much, they can go in an alley, or a bush, or the leasing office like she told him. His intentions were definitely not good and I am glad she used her intuition to keep him out. However, if it were me, when he called her a name, I would have smacked him in the head with my purse.
"Vast majority of men will be gentlemen"? Not sure I've ever heard something so naive and ignorantly untrue in an article based entirely on earning the trust and respect of women lol. Yet you're automatically downgrading everything else about women's safety by throwing in eh almost all men will be gentlemen anyways. Ontop of the fact that's just hugely false hahahaha
You should NEVER let any man/person know where you live, PERIOD, especially on a first date. I cant believe you did that even after already having had a bad experience before. You ladies need to think!! Before you end up dead, please think before you act.
She didn't let him in. That's literally the entire point of the story. I've said it a million times but it bears repeating: one of the biggest detriments to women gaining real respect and equality are OTHER WOMEN. Women so desperate for male validation that they'll victim blame and mock and deride other women, just to be "not like other girls". Heads up- those girls can be assaulted too. Being "so cool" doesn't protect you. The high and mighty haughtiness won't save you. I pray you never end up in such a situation, but heaven forbid you do- I hope women treat you better than you treated this woman.
Load More Replies... People- don’t be afraid to set your rightful boundaries with anyone and if they refuse, they don’t respect you so you don’t need them in your life.
7/11 doesn’t have a public bathroom though…. So yeah, sounded a little rapey.
That totally depends on the area you live in. Some 7/11's do have a restroom. In Los Angeles they usually don't, in smaller towns or areas some of them do.
Load More Replies... Be weird, be rude, stay alive. Never ever let a stranger, including a first date, into your home. NTA
I'm a dude and I'm very very particular about my porcelain throne. So no means no. You go find a bush or something my man.
I'm so utterly happy that I kept/keep my home address secret from almost every males I've met/meeting. Also from taxi drivers (if it's not my trusted one or one of his trusted colleagues) as the flirting/questioning during the ride makes your alarm bell ring in high alert. Normally leave the taxi at the nearest crossing, dabbling around til the taxi left and walking the few hundred meters home. And notto mention that one guy, who always seemed to have a crush on me and after 4 years realized I would never respond, to make very clear threats to shot me. Police was involved and the case got to court... he's probably lost his title to stay in my country after this last pull.
If the guy had good intentions and really needed to go he would have gone before you left the restaurant or he would have accepted what you offered him. He put out a lot of red flags trying to come inside but they didn't work so he tried one last time to get in. Good thing you didn't push your instincts aside. So many women and girls do because they don"t want to seem rude and end up getting hurt. He was trying to harm you but being "upright" saved you. I'd still watch out for him because he knows where you live and can come back for revenge. Be careful using Tinder or any other dating sites.
This is so disgustingly common. Many men feel entitled to sex for being "a nice guy" and his anger only show that it was exactly what he was expecting. If you would have let him in he would most likely have assaulted or raped you. And of course- because you let him in it "would have been your fault". Good call!
She didn't know the guy that well so she did the right thing. You just never know these days if you're dating a psycho who might try to rape you or worse. We women have to protect ourselves and men need to understand that. Him throwing a tantrum just shows he had bad intentions and at the least, doesn't respect her boundaries.
Look dudes, I'm all for trying to hook up but don't make up dumb excuses trying to get into a woman's place. All of that will happen naturally if it's a good connection. Make your intentions clear and always make sure your date is comfortable! When you learn to be a good man that is respectful and kind you won't have trouble getting invited in. Be genuine because woman can see right through your BS. - If he really needed to use the restroom the one by the leasing office would have been perfect.
Wondering if he was going to open a window lock to enter at later time and always trust your gut
Always go with your gut especially on first date...you did the right thing....
How is this even a question? Of course you never let strangers into your house if you live alone. That is common sense!!!
You definitely did the right thing! This guy sounds like a complete creep!
Biggest red flag... Make a request, give a reason.... if rejected repeat request, but alternate reason. Saw the same cap from a clown trying to get into my car to rob me
Definitely did the right thing He wanted in and was clearly making up every reason to get in. That ain't no gentleman
Good Job , Not letting that psycho in. He showed his true colors at the end of the date. You dodged a Bullet!!!
It's common sense, a single date doesn't mean you know the person so having a stranger inside your home is a no no. If he (or she if roles were reversed) doesn't get it, it's either just dumb or might have bad intentions.
Here's a sobering statistic: The single biggest cause of non-lethal injury to women, is men. So no, it's not "vast majority of men" who are gentlemen with "a few bad apples". In my experience I'd say it's a solid 60/40, and that's being generous. Men need to do better, they need to listen to us, but they rarely do. They only listen to other men.
He dropped the mask there at the end when he cursed her for not letting him have a way in and she is here asking AITA? Girl no. Not even a little bit. Whatever prompted you to tell him no, you were right to go with that feeling.
Babe you did the right thing don't allow a stranger to walk you home on your first date until you know what he does as in work,where he stays and his family
Babe you did made the right choice, don't even a stranger to work you home until u know him very well, where is his home, his family etc
It's quite possible that he wanted to see if you were sharing your medicine cabinet with another man. But certainly the fact that he pulled this stunt on the first date was sufficient cause to kick him to the curb — and his immature reaction to your setting of boundaries warrants issuing a BOLO for this dude in whatever forum you first found him.
I would have chosen a restaurant further from home, one I had to drive to and we could meet at. Especially if it was someone I met online.
Better to be safe than sorry. If he really needed to use the bathroom, he would of used any bathroom regardless of being told no. He could of been a psycho or probably in end up in a relationship with a total jerk so no your not wrong.
He should never have been close to her residence on a first date. Period. Even then, these things are tricky. Once in her place he can overpower her easily, and all the facts leading up to her "inviting" him in would create the appearance that she invited sexual contact, but now regrets it. Just don't do it on a first date.
Definitely NOT! How many places were you where he COULD have used the bathroom and didn't before you got to your place? Nope. Good move on your part.
I actually assumed she caught him goin through her medice cabinet.
I'm shocked this is coming from a woman. You're a sweetheart 💗.
Load More Replies... If he really needed the bathroom how come the one she offered him wasn't good enough? Why did it have to be the one in her apartment? Why did him needing the bathroom only come up after she refused to let him in for other reasons first? Maybe you should get more educated before going off on people who understand it is sus to turn down a bathroom and insist on using yours.
Load More Replies... It was a first date. He is basically a stranger at this point, and she was under NO obligation to let him in her apartment. In fact, her number one obligation was to herself, to make sure she's safe. That's what women in this world have to do. The fact that he kept pushing just shows he wasn't at all interested in respecting boundaries. And it's spelled "Tinder".
Load More Replies... Tinder is not exclusively a "hook up-site" and even if it was - you are not entitled to sex because you go on a date. A date is meant to check how your vibes match and how you get along - it's not "ok where should we go to have sex?" If that's what you're looking for you want a prostitute - not a date from tinder.
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