Gay Woman Inherits Summer House, Causes Uproar By Not Letting Her Conservative Family Use It For Free For Weddings
Recently, a 28-year-old woman’s story caught everyone’s attention on the AITA subreddit. “So I am a 28-year-old woman, I am gay (important to the story). Now my mother is a single mother, she comes from a big conservative Christian family,” the author wrote.
The author wrote that after her mom had her at 16, they lived with the grandparents until her mother at age 25 came out as gay. “That was the limit for my grandfather and he disowned my mother and my mom cut all contact with her family.”
The woman lost her closest ones to Covid, and she inherited the family’s summerhouse from her grandma who wanted to make it up as much as she could before she died, too.
Now, the other relatives have reached out to the author expecting to have their wedding there for free but that’s not what the new house owner wanted.
The woman asks if she was wrong to refuse to let her estranged relatives have a free wedding at the family house she inherited
Image credits: Aubrey Odom-Mabey (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: throwawaygayhouse200
Family members fighting over inheritance is as old as history itself. Recent research found that there has been an increase in inheritance disputes reported annually since 1985. One of the authors, professor Stephan Köppe explained that there are four main reasons why relatives go to court and they include sibling rivalry, the legacy of divorce, owning a business, and wealth.
“Drawing from our court case examples, families should follow a few simple rules. Open and honest communication is essential. In many cultures, it is taboo to talk openly about death, but communicating your intentions and expectations during your lifetime will reduce stress and the possibility of unwelcome surprises for your loved ones,” prof. Köppe wrote in The Conversation.
Another key thing, according to prof. Köppe, keeping your promises is key. “In other words, don’t change your will at the last minute on your deathbed – this can be easily challenged in court.”
And finally, children who fear being left out should seek constructive, non-confrontational conversations during the lifetime of their parents. Prof. Köppe argues that building such mutual expectations during the lifetime is quintessential.
The author provided some more background information about the whole situation in the comments
Many people showed their support for the author and said that she was right
Others, however, had a different opinion that they shared below
If the cousin had a lifelong dream, she should have picked up the phone and talked to the owner so that she could work out the logistics.
Yup. OP isn't saying, "No, you *can't* use the venue, at all," OP's just saying, "You have to pay for it, like any other wedding party. If you're willing to pay, great, we'll set a date, if you're so entitled you think you should get married here for free, then you're gonna be disappointed. Your call."
Load More Replies...Chuckling at the “Oh but FAMILY…” comments and “what grandma would want”. Just because OP is aware of the background doesn’t make these people more than strangers. They had decades to do so, but didn’t bother to reach out to establish a relationship until they wanted something and instead of asking politely, they demanded free access and became hostile when OP said “Not on that date, the house is already booked, but you can pick another date and pay like normal people do.” As for Grandma’s wishes, if she had any, they should have been stated in her will. OP had/has every right to treat her inheritance as she chooses.
I think there is a middle ground here that should have been sought. Something along the lines of 'you pick a date that is NOT booked, and pay the regular but not the wedding price, you pay some sort of insurance, and you can have your wedding there'. If they reject that, that is on them.
Yeah...I wouldn't charge my relatives full price even if I didn't know them, but then again I've never been ostracized by any of my relatives either so I can't accurately empathize with OP.
Load More Replies...So, the family that wanted nothing to do with your mother and you because you're both gay suddenly plays the Family Card because they want something you have? NTA. I'd tell them to get f****d.
I disagree with all the people that called the OP an AH. Sure they are family but how come they are only reaching out when they want something? Also, instead of maybe trying to convince her to lend the house or something they call her a jerk in social medias. I mean, you attract bees with honey....That would make me not want to lend the house even more.
No, NTA. TLDR: Family members I do NOT know want to host a FREE wedding at a venue I OWN and use as a side business. Family I am NOT in contact with basically TOLD me they would be having the wedding here, instead of reaching out and ASKING if they could use the home. I'm very sorry your cousin won't be getting to use the venue, as this is most likely not her fault; but that does not mean that you are obligated to allow them to use the facility. I have estranged family on my father's side, and would no way let them use a venue or home I owned. If people have not experienced estrangement, they simply do not know how difficult or weird, or awkward it can be. Stick to your guns and say no, or charge them full price. Their wants in this case are really not your issue.
I wonder where all OP's relatives were when she and her mom got kicked out of the family home. I say NTA. Her relatives didn't even try and help them when they had the chance. Why should OP give in? My grandmother's house was sold and even though dozens of us grew up in it, we don't get to use it anymore. Heartbreaking, but none of us could afford to keep it in the family. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
From the start, the aunt should have graciously offered to pay the full price and asked when it was available. This graciousness might have caused the niece in turn to offer a discount, maybe even 100%. Instead, the aunt wielded the hammer of entitlement - it must be free and whenever we say - and that hammer smacked her right in the face. After this, I wouldn't let them on the property at any price on any date. Yes, that might remove them from your life entirely, but in baseball trades that's called "addition by subtraction".
Added thought - Hire security for "their" day, or at least forewarn the police. Your "family" might show up and try to force their way in by shear numbers. (Remember : They're scum.)
Load More Replies...Eh. I don't get it. Why is there even a discussion on making money from it, letting them pay etc etc. Bottom line is that this is her house. If a family member I've not met since I was six suddenly says they want to use my house for their wedding and for free, I would tell them where to go. Entitled much? It's just ridiculous. If it belonged to all the family to use and she's just in charge of it, that's different. Her property now, irrelevant of how they have accessed it in the past, it now belongs to her.
Just reverse the situation and ask the conservative family if they would have allowed the gay OP to have a gay wedding there. The answer would be resounding NO. You are NTA!
I feel if the extended family ASKED instead of just assuming they could host the wedding there (already picked a date and made plans without consulting the legal owner), this would be a different case. The OP even made a point to say that the time they wanted was already booked and they could choose another date. I think that was reasonable. If the grandmother had wanted everyone to enjoy it freely, I feel she wouldn't have just gifted it to the one person but had different shares for it made.
I'm sorry but no, If you are the legitimate owner of the house you can do as you please. You don't have any moral obligation to take care for free of many guests that didn't reach out to you in a long time and now are using the "we are family" card. Are those people (the ones calling her an a*****e) insane?
Carefully consider confirmation bias. Once a person, especially a family member, wants to embrace or reject you, there's literally no one and nothing that can change their mind. This is why people can't seem to understand the parts of you that have nothing to do with them. Also, we value relationships based on what we're getting out of them, but we often expect others to be far more accomodating of us than we've been to them. The first time you give in to a family member on this matter, that will be the wedge that keeps he door open, because if you did it for one, then you're supposed to do it for the rest of them. You are the one that will create that expectation. If your grandmaother intended for the summerhouse to remain a memories place for the entire family, then that's the arrangements she would have made. I say this having survived some bitter inheritance disappointments myself. The final say of the person awarding the asset is the final say period.
2. That said, I would offer them a date that has not yet been reserved. And try to accommodate them to a reasonable extent. Depending on the OP's finances, I would try hard to make it free for the family. But I would not offer more than simply use of the facilities for the wedding and day after. They should provide all the food etc. I would make it the OP's gift to the bride & groom. I would caution to think the decision through thoroughly as the OP will be setting a precedent that others in the fam may lean on when lobbying for other weddings and/or occasions gratis. Maybe set aside a week annually for the family and their guests only each year either free or at a nominal charge to cover electricity, water, cleaning etc. In no way do I believe the OP is obligated to do this. I just believe it would be the best way to resolve a family matter in a cordial way.
Sge absolutely owes zero anything to her distant family. If the bride wanted to have a party there, she should have PERSONALLY asked long before. Crushed dreams? Want to have your dreams come true, do something about it. Who cares what grandma would want. She didn't say anything before her death. They all just feel the house belongs to the family, but it does not anymore.
There are a lot of family dynamics at play here so it is hard to gauge what is "Proper". I can see both sides to an extent. OP feels betrayed & ostracized by the fam. It is the OP's per her Grandma's wishes. The fam feels betrayed they were not a part of the inheritance of the property and/or ashamed of the OP's lifestyle due to the conservativeness they grew up in and/or ignorance. Assuming those assumptions, if it were me, I would take the high road. Grandma threw out the first olive branch. Why not pay it forward is my thinking. Be the bigger person. It was not right of the person to presume a day was their's for the wedding nor that it should be free. However, given that it once was a mutual family asset, I can see why they would feel bitter.
WOW. My husband's niece (43, btw) is a huge Oregon Ducks fan. We bought a condo about 2 miles from the stadium where they play. We all got together at his sister's house for Easter (niece's Mom). Niece proceeds to INFORM me that she will be staying with us when the Ducks play (she lives about 2 hours away and God forbid she not drink during a football game). I, in turn, INFORMED her that NO, she wouldn't. I thought that was the end of it. A few months later we all got together again and she starts in on me, telling me my husband said it was ok. I didn't want to start drama, but lying to my face (he doesn't like her to begin with & would NEVER have told her that) so in front of the entire family I told her that NO he most certainly did not & she would NEVER even be INVITED to our house, let alone be allowed to stay there. Then she starts begging and basically having a temper tantrum. I literally laughed in her face & stood my ground. Some thought I was a b*tch. Like I care.
I thought she was telling them they couldn't at all and felt justified in a NTA verdict. Imagine my shock when she told them they could - just not exactly when they wanted and not for free. WTH! That's ridiculous... and even more so NTA!
That's families for you. My mother always had low expectations of me and has never been proud of my achievements. I invited her over to mine 20 years ago, but she said it was too far to come - yes, my own mother actually said that. She can't even be bothered to see me of her own accord. I bet though that if I died, she'd be over my place with a removal van to see what she could plunder off me. She'd probably pull my teeth to see if there was any gold or silver there.
NTA. You are in your right, legal and moral. The rest is completely up to you, and none of your decisions will be "wrong". If you want to build a relationship with these people, then you'll try to find common ground. But it's not necessarily up to you to make all the concessions (= let them have the house as they want it without you having any say in it): the other party will have to go part of the way (= offer compensation, for example; did they invite you to the wedding, btw?) If you don't want to have future relationships with them, then you can stick to your original proposal. Family are people with whom you share things for months, years. They are there for you, you are there for them as time goes on. It's not enough to have the same name or blood ties for that. You have to really exist for each other. Your partner is certainly more your family than any of these people who demand things from you when you don't know them at all. Let everyone do a part of the journey, not just you.
Hm. Okay you don't know them (well), but they are family and have a long history regarding that house. So as long as they weren't actively harrassing you or your mom for being gay, I would let them host the wedding. You got the house bc your grandmother felt guilty you missed out and turned it into an AirBnB ... so it's not like it would kill you to miss one weekend.
This isn't a case of revenge. It's a case of STRANGERS wanting to use a venue she owns. Grandma made her choices and left NO directions on how she would be able to use the home. If she would of sold the home or whatever do you think the NEW owners were going to let them continue to use it as a summer home or wedding venue for free? Nope, you're 100% wrong in this case.
Load More Replies...Her grandmother GAVE her the house, what she does with it then is up the her, she owns it now. She is maintaining the family bonds here family members choose. You are so lost Mora
Load More Replies...“grandma undoubtedly did not plan for the house to be used as a fricken air bnb” Really? How do you know exactly what grandma intended?
Load More Replies...If the cousin had a lifelong dream, she should have picked up the phone and talked to the owner so that she could work out the logistics.
Yup. OP isn't saying, "No, you *can't* use the venue, at all," OP's just saying, "You have to pay for it, like any other wedding party. If you're willing to pay, great, we'll set a date, if you're so entitled you think you should get married here for free, then you're gonna be disappointed. Your call."
Load More Replies...Chuckling at the “Oh but FAMILY…” comments and “what grandma would want”. Just because OP is aware of the background doesn’t make these people more than strangers. They had decades to do so, but didn’t bother to reach out to establish a relationship until they wanted something and instead of asking politely, they demanded free access and became hostile when OP said “Not on that date, the house is already booked, but you can pick another date and pay like normal people do.” As for Grandma’s wishes, if she had any, they should have been stated in her will. OP had/has every right to treat her inheritance as she chooses.
I think there is a middle ground here that should have been sought. Something along the lines of 'you pick a date that is NOT booked, and pay the regular but not the wedding price, you pay some sort of insurance, and you can have your wedding there'. If they reject that, that is on them.
Yeah...I wouldn't charge my relatives full price even if I didn't know them, but then again I've never been ostracized by any of my relatives either so I can't accurately empathize with OP.
Load More Replies...So, the family that wanted nothing to do with your mother and you because you're both gay suddenly plays the Family Card because they want something you have? NTA. I'd tell them to get f****d.
I disagree with all the people that called the OP an AH. Sure they are family but how come they are only reaching out when they want something? Also, instead of maybe trying to convince her to lend the house or something they call her a jerk in social medias. I mean, you attract bees with honey....That would make me not want to lend the house even more.
No, NTA. TLDR: Family members I do NOT know want to host a FREE wedding at a venue I OWN and use as a side business. Family I am NOT in contact with basically TOLD me they would be having the wedding here, instead of reaching out and ASKING if they could use the home. I'm very sorry your cousin won't be getting to use the venue, as this is most likely not her fault; but that does not mean that you are obligated to allow them to use the facility. I have estranged family on my father's side, and would no way let them use a venue or home I owned. If people have not experienced estrangement, they simply do not know how difficult or weird, or awkward it can be. Stick to your guns and say no, or charge them full price. Their wants in this case are really not your issue.
I wonder where all OP's relatives were when she and her mom got kicked out of the family home. I say NTA. Her relatives didn't even try and help them when they had the chance. Why should OP give in? My grandmother's house was sold and even though dozens of us grew up in it, we don't get to use it anymore. Heartbreaking, but none of us could afford to keep it in the family. That's just the way it goes sometimes.
From the start, the aunt should have graciously offered to pay the full price and asked when it was available. This graciousness might have caused the niece in turn to offer a discount, maybe even 100%. Instead, the aunt wielded the hammer of entitlement - it must be free and whenever we say - and that hammer smacked her right in the face. After this, I wouldn't let them on the property at any price on any date. Yes, that might remove them from your life entirely, but in baseball trades that's called "addition by subtraction".
Added thought - Hire security for "their" day, or at least forewarn the police. Your "family" might show up and try to force their way in by shear numbers. (Remember : They're scum.)
Load More Replies...Eh. I don't get it. Why is there even a discussion on making money from it, letting them pay etc etc. Bottom line is that this is her house. If a family member I've not met since I was six suddenly says they want to use my house for their wedding and for free, I would tell them where to go. Entitled much? It's just ridiculous. If it belonged to all the family to use and she's just in charge of it, that's different. Her property now, irrelevant of how they have accessed it in the past, it now belongs to her.
Just reverse the situation and ask the conservative family if they would have allowed the gay OP to have a gay wedding there. The answer would be resounding NO. You are NTA!
I feel if the extended family ASKED instead of just assuming they could host the wedding there (already picked a date and made plans without consulting the legal owner), this would be a different case. The OP even made a point to say that the time they wanted was already booked and they could choose another date. I think that was reasonable. If the grandmother had wanted everyone to enjoy it freely, I feel she wouldn't have just gifted it to the one person but had different shares for it made.
I'm sorry but no, If you are the legitimate owner of the house you can do as you please. You don't have any moral obligation to take care for free of many guests that didn't reach out to you in a long time and now are using the "we are family" card. Are those people (the ones calling her an a*****e) insane?
Carefully consider confirmation bias. Once a person, especially a family member, wants to embrace or reject you, there's literally no one and nothing that can change their mind. This is why people can't seem to understand the parts of you that have nothing to do with them. Also, we value relationships based on what we're getting out of them, but we often expect others to be far more accomodating of us than we've been to them. The first time you give in to a family member on this matter, that will be the wedge that keeps he door open, because if you did it for one, then you're supposed to do it for the rest of them. You are the one that will create that expectation. If your grandmaother intended for the summerhouse to remain a memories place for the entire family, then that's the arrangements she would have made. I say this having survived some bitter inheritance disappointments myself. The final say of the person awarding the asset is the final say period.
2. That said, I would offer them a date that has not yet been reserved. And try to accommodate them to a reasonable extent. Depending on the OP's finances, I would try hard to make it free for the family. But I would not offer more than simply use of the facilities for the wedding and day after. They should provide all the food etc. I would make it the OP's gift to the bride & groom. I would caution to think the decision through thoroughly as the OP will be setting a precedent that others in the fam may lean on when lobbying for other weddings and/or occasions gratis. Maybe set aside a week annually for the family and their guests only each year either free or at a nominal charge to cover electricity, water, cleaning etc. In no way do I believe the OP is obligated to do this. I just believe it would be the best way to resolve a family matter in a cordial way.
Sge absolutely owes zero anything to her distant family. If the bride wanted to have a party there, she should have PERSONALLY asked long before. Crushed dreams? Want to have your dreams come true, do something about it. Who cares what grandma would want. She didn't say anything before her death. They all just feel the house belongs to the family, but it does not anymore.
There are a lot of family dynamics at play here so it is hard to gauge what is "Proper". I can see both sides to an extent. OP feels betrayed & ostracized by the fam. It is the OP's per her Grandma's wishes. The fam feels betrayed they were not a part of the inheritance of the property and/or ashamed of the OP's lifestyle due to the conservativeness they grew up in and/or ignorance. Assuming those assumptions, if it were me, I would take the high road. Grandma threw out the first olive branch. Why not pay it forward is my thinking. Be the bigger person. It was not right of the person to presume a day was their's for the wedding nor that it should be free. However, given that it once was a mutual family asset, I can see why they would feel bitter.
WOW. My husband's niece (43, btw) is a huge Oregon Ducks fan. We bought a condo about 2 miles from the stadium where they play. We all got together at his sister's house for Easter (niece's Mom). Niece proceeds to INFORM me that she will be staying with us when the Ducks play (she lives about 2 hours away and God forbid she not drink during a football game). I, in turn, INFORMED her that NO, she wouldn't. I thought that was the end of it. A few months later we all got together again and she starts in on me, telling me my husband said it was ok. I didn't want to start drama, but lying to my face (he doesn't like her to begin with & would NEVER have told her that) so in front of the entire family I told her that NO he most certainly did not & she would NEVER even be INVITED to our house, let alone be allowed to stay there. Then she starts begging and basically having a temper tantrum. I literally laughed in her face & stood my ground. Some thought I was a b*tch. Like I care.
I thought she was telling them they couldn't at all and felt justified in a NTA verdict. Imagine my shock when she told them they could - just not exactly when they wanted and not for free. WTH! That's ridiculous... and even more so NTA!
That's families for you. My mother always had low expectations of me and has never been proud of my achievements. I invited her over to mine 20 years ago, but she said it was too far to come - yes, my own mother actually said that. She can't even be bothered to see me of her own accord. I bet though that if I died, she'd be over my place with a removal van to see what she could plunder off me. She'd probably pull my teeth to see if there was any gold or silver there.
NTA. You are in your right, legal and moral. The rest is completely up to you, and none of your decisions will be "wrong". If you want to build a relationship with these people, then you'll try to find common ground. But it's not necessarily up to you to make all the concessions (= let them have the house as they want it without you having any say in it): the other party will have to go part of the way (= offer compensation, for example; did they invite you to the wedding, btw?) If you don't want to have future relationships with them, then you can stick to your original proposal. Family are people with whom you share things for months, years. They are there for you, you are there for them as time goes on. It's not enough to have the same name or blood ties for that. You have to really exist for each other. Your partner is certainly more your family than any of these people who demand things from you when you don't know them at all. Let everyone do a part of the journey, not just you.
Hm. Okay you don't know them (well), but they are family and have a long history regarding that house. So as long as they weren't actively harrassing you or your mom for being gay, I would let them host the wedding. You got the house bc your grandmother felt guilty you missed out and turned it into an AirBnB ... so it's not like it would kill you to miss one weekend.
This isn't a case of revenge. It's a case of STRANGERS wanting to use a venue she owns. Grandma made her choices and left NO directions on how she would be able to use the home. If she would of sold the home or whatever do you think the NEW owners were going to let them continue to use it as a summer home or wedding venue for free? Nope, you're 100% wrong in this case.
Load More Replies...Her grandmother GAVE her the house, what she does with it then is up the her, she owns it now. She is maintaining the family bonds here family members choose. You are so lost Mora
Load More Replies...“grandma undoubtedly did not plan for the house to be used as a fricken air bnb” Really? How do you know exactly what grandma intended?
Load More Replies...
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