Woman Refuses To Single-Handedly Host Thanksgiving And Christmas For 20+ People For The 4th Year In A Row, Fiancé Gets Furious
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The time when having cozy conversations and stuffing your stomach with turkey and pumpkin pie fills your heart with bliss. Unfortunately, for those who plan and prepare for these gatherings, it can get quite stressful.
This Reddit user u/FinalBlackberry knows it from personal experience. The woman created a post in r/AITA saying that for the past few years she has been single-handedly cooking and hosting both Thanksgiving and Christmas for her fiancé’s family.
“I start prepping the night before, cook all morning and afternoon and by the time everything is done, I’m too exhausted to enjoy the food I cooked and eat,” she said. Feeling sick and tired, the woman told her husband-to-be that she has no intention of cooking this year.
As you can guess, that did not go well with him. Scroll down to read the whole story below and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments.
This woman felt exhausted after single-handedly hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas for 20+ people, she has no intention of doing it for the 4th year in a row
Image credits: Claudio Schwarz (not the actual photo)
Here is the full post that the author of the story shared on the r/AITA subreddit
The redditor’s post gained quite a lot of attention. In only one day, it received over 23.2K upvotes and more than 2K comments. The AITA community was very supportive of the woman, saying that she is definitely not in the wrong in this situation. As one user put it, “If it’s so important to your fiancé, he can host and cook. If he’s that incapable, then he needs to stop volunteering.”
Since the woman is the only one bearing almost all responsibility for the events, she decided that she’s too exhausted to do it this year. And the most saddening part was that the fiancé’s family shows zero appreciation for all the work she’s been putting in: “I have never been thanked for hosting or cooking. Literally by no one,“ the woman wrote.
The guy’s reaction was really inconsiderate. “But that’s our tradition“, he said, even though he knew that his fiancée had just finished an intense course of medication that dried out all the joints in her body. Not to mention that later he found this Reddit thread and decided to cancel everything since she is “venting to the strangers“.
Apparently, the wife-to-be is not the only one filled with anxiety when it comes to Thanksgiving. According to the American Psychological Association, the holidays are a hard time for many, and it’s usually due to intensified focus on family, work and money. This especially applies to women: “Women are more likely than men to report heightened stress levels during the holiday season, and that they’re less likely to take time to relax or manage that stress in healthy ways,” they explained.
However, there are ways of coping with it. The staff of the Mayo Clinic gives out a few tips on how to prevent holiday stress. First, acknowledge your feelings. It’s OK to let them out if you’re feeling stressed because keeping it inside could only make matters worse. Just don’t forget to reach out—talk to your friends or family about the things concerning you.
They also advise keeping a level head: “The holidays don’t have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones.“ If you will not have the opportunity to see your close ones face-to-face this year, find new ways to celebrate together, like sharing a video or catching up on Zoom.
Last and probably the most important one, learn to say “no”. “Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed,” the staff of the Mayo Clinic said. Friends and family need to be able to understand that you can’t participate in every event or activity. Because if you agree to do too much, fun things evolve to stressful obligations.
And for the hero of this story to say “no” required a great deal of strength. Especially when these gatherings mean so much to her fiancé and his whole big family. But we all have our limits, so when it comes to our mental and physical well-being, it should be a top priority.
Commenters seemed to have a lot to say about the situation and rushed to the author’s defense
NTA. What did I just read? This women has been making Thanksgiving feasts for YEARS, single-handedly? And no one contributes? And the one year she decides to sit this one out because of her medical condition her husband goes berserk and reports "ThAts OuR fAmIlY TrAdItIoN"....No it ain't. A family tradition is when the whole family participates, when the whole family helps, when the whole family works as a team. Not leaving one person to do prepare everything while the other family members enjoy it without even a "Thank You". This women needs to get away fast. The only thing she did wrong is waiting it out for 4 years.
AND they bugger off with leftovers. Selfish buggers.
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Not only is he lazy, but if all he does when he's told no is sulk then his shitty attitude problems don't end there, they're probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Right, I'm thinking this is only the current (and most blatant) issue. How many smaller issues has OP decided to let slide? To 'get over'? To ignore? To "hope it gets better"? It ain't gettin' better sweetie! It is what it is!!! You got the picture, do you need to read the book? "Once people show you who they are; believe them" Maya Angelou. wrong-pers...b32f00.jpg 
The question that I have is who was hosting before the op started doing it?
Probably his last partner..... sounds like they use them till they've run them into the ground like a cheap car.
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My family tradition is making you cook for all of us, and it dates back to the first time you fell for it.
I checked online. She's rethinking the relationship. She had reminded him several times that she would not be cooking. He disregarded what she said, invited his family without consulting her, and now he's trying to gaslight her into hosting and cooking.
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There more of an issue here than cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure most have already said, but I think twice about marrying into this family.
His family all sound like ingrates... which is why his behavior isn't surprising. That's how he was raised. As someone else pointed out, what where they doing before? Just how did this get dumped in her lap. Sounds like this "family tradition" started when she came on the scene.
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From experience, I tell this woman: RUN ! Now!.... Especially when you have a medical reason!
Dude, this is bullshit. In my family, we have MULTIPLE people cooking, and MULTIPLE people cleaning up after. And she just got off medication that made her feel like s**t and her fiance still wants her to do everything? F**K. HIM.
Re: "Tradition" ... what's that movie line, you keep using that word, but I don't think you know what it means. I wonder what the tradition was before she entered the picture? It's also very telling he'd rather just cancel Thanksgiving entirely instead of making other arrangements. If he's willing to do that because she's not doing all the work, evidently having the family together isn't so important after all. I hope she starts a new tradition this year by being single.
NTA. My sister actually makes two full turkey dinners because her stepsons can’t be in that same room together! But she does it because it makes her husband happy and he waits on her hand and foot the rest of the year. He literally brings her breakfast in bed every morning and does 90% of the housework (he is retired and she is not). So she does all this holiday cooking cheerfully. For this OP, I think this is just an indicator of how unbalanced their relationship is and how little she is valued.
I love cooking for Thanksgiving, and we've often had 20 or 25 people over, but they all bring at least one side, if not more. I do the turkey (and gravy), the dressing, the potatoes, and the cranberry relish. My wife does a couple sides. This year our friends down the street are hosting, but I'm still bringing all the stuff I usually make. Mostly because I prefer it the way I make it, and they do a lot of smoked meats, and it takes some of the pressure off of them.
Love this. I can overlook a ton of flaws in a spouse if they cook. You are a treasure - even if you don't like smoked meat.
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Youre not the asshole but the doormat. I hope she sticks to her new plans and sticks up for herself!
Oh yes, she's pulling the doormat from under his feet. Actually, she had warned him beforehand and he totally disregarded her refusal to cook and host.
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This is holding someone hostage for the others needs/desires. He so wants to be admired by the family he is willing to sacrifice, not himself, but his partner. I bought into this crazy hostage crappy for 15 years. Now I'm much better. Not only no, but I will leave you if you insist I do this again, is my new mantra.
NTA, so insane. I cook every year for 10 to 11 people and my husband helps with all of it. Prepping side dishes, peeling and cutting veggies as needed. We work together from the planning stage to the clean up stage. AND his cousin loves making the green bean casserole. He's been trying new recipes to make it 'fancy.' It's always good. The cousin is also the only one who runs off with leftovers; they're for his dad who doesn't like to travel and we always send leftovers for him. This poor woman. Her situation is untenable. I wouldn't marry him.
Why would you agree to marry someone who clearly thinks you're a maid? What IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.
NTA. I've had to feed up to 8 people on Thanksgiving and can't imagine doing it for 20 with no help. And good for you for taking back part of yourself. Those people suck. Let them eat McDonalds. Don't don't change who you are for anyone. Good luck!
My very first thought as reading was "I BET YOU GOT STUCK WITH 100% OF CLEANUP TOO; clear and wipe the table, wash dishes, wash all cooking pans and utensils, pick up throughout house, vacuum, etc. AND cleanup before the dinner! I can tell you right now this SO 'cannot' vacuum, scrub bathroom, mop floor, and make house shine. Boot him! Should your health worsen I'm sending you a drawing of how much physical and emotional care you'll get from him _______________ <--- there, that's it.
I agree, I'm sick of BP taking stuff from Reddit, then then BP community thinks they are giving advice to someone who most likely has no idea their comments have been posted here. Also, I'm pretty sure this AITA post is made up, who on earth could think they are an AH with this story.
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cancelling everything even your wedding you mean? I feel bad for you. That is a TON of work, and your fiance doesn't help with anything but the brisket? That's really not fair to you at all. I also find it crazy insulting that no one brought anything even after they were asked to. His family sounds very lazy and selfish. Every year my husband and I do it all together. Sometimes I get stuck at work on holidays and my husband does majority of work those times (I work in a hospital in the ER so im on call 24/7). Marriage is a partnership and if your fiance can't back you up or help out then I think you'd be better off without him in your life.
Lose him! Hosting for the holidays with no appreciation from your in laws AND your partner?? You deserve to enjoy your holidays with those who appreciate you.
I am fuming about this and have to reiterate that your fiancé ITA in a monumental way. #Teamu/FinalBlackberry
She should not have went ahead and cooked when she thought noone was going to bring a dish like she asked. "well I told everyone to bring something, why didn't you?"
This is the reason so many women hate the holidays. It's just two months of never ending chores for many. In many families, all the bullshit of the season still falls on women because it's still expected. I used to hate watching the women in my family do all the work while the men sat around, drank, and watched football. All of my aunts worked full-time.
Had an uncle berate my aunt bc she didn't iron his shirt freshly that morning. She was visiting with her sisters before he got up. I was just a tween but told him they've invented a thing called permanent press or iron it yourself. What a baby.
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Why are you still with this jerk? He is anything BUT a partner. Take a dump on a platter. Serve it and tell everyone to eat poo & .....
Christmas in the Johnson household when I was young - Mum cooked for 8, she made veggie options (4 x veggies in the family) and turkey, she worked her socks off and made a great meal every year, she missed out on all sort of family time. Roll on to the new way. All the adults (now a slightly different set of people as sadly 4 x grandparents have passed away) bring a different part of the meal. Whoever is hosting does the main part of the main meal, everyone else brings the starters, vegetables, desserts etc. It’s all sorted long before Christmas, it’s a military operation bringing all together but first of all it means we are all talking a lot more (or whatsapping / on zoom) in the run up to Christmas, secondly Christmas Day is a truly shared experience, everyone is in and out of the kitchen all day, and thirdly (and most importantly) my Mum gets to see her grandchildren and we all get plenty of family time. Why would you consign someone to being tied to the kitchen?
It makes it easier for everyone else but the consignee.
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First of all, congratulation for inventing Time Travel. Congrats are not in order for your pick of "time native" you decided to bring back from 1951. That said, the few times we hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house (never more than 10 people) my wife was the one cooking, I'll admit. But we have a deal: I cook dinner almost every night (and I am a damn good cook). I am Italian and she enjoys 300 dinners a year of some Italian dish I make. Admittedly, I am no good at big feasts. I could if I wanted to, I am sure, but she is better. She also enjoys making the big feast while I'd rather defoliate my skin with a cheese grater. I also help clean and put away the dishes, food, etc. I think that works for us and we are both OK with it. I should add that because of various illnesses, I do most of the vacuuming and cleaning. You should seriously reconsider your relationship. People can change, but I get the feeling he is not one of them.
NTA. Sounds like he thinks the purpose of getting married is to have someone that does everything household and holiday-related while he sits on his a**e. You aren't even married yet and so should not be hosting chit, let alone for 4 years running. How did that even get started? Sounds to me like you're engaged to a man-child with the spoiled personality of 10 years old boy. You're not even married yet and he is pulling this nonsense. You should end that seriously one-sided relationship.
NTA. Your partner and his family don't respect you at all, you're just their little slave. Your husband is a man child who has been catered for, for far too long so now he expects it. Part of this will be because he was raised that way (women do everything and guys sit around scratching their balls waiting to get fed) and part is your fault for doing this as he wanted every year. Yes, i know you did it to be nice and a good wife, but it spoiled him so he doesn't appreciate it, instead he just flat out expects it. Tell him to grow the F*** up, he's acting like a spoiled 5yr old who was told he can't have a cookie. This on top of your medical issue, he clearly doesn't care about you, otherwise he would've instantly said "you've been through a lot, let's order catering and everyone can chip in $10 to cover it". Dump this fool, his family, and find a man who APPRECIATES you.
NTA! Your fiancé ITA, big time! I don't blame you for doing this and standing your ground. It sounds like no one appreciates you. Your fiancé ITA for being so selfish. It's unbelievable to me that even when you explained it to him that he was such a POS SOB, especially when he knows what's going on with your health problems. They don't deserve what you do for them. If I were you, I'd make a delicious dinner for myself and enjoy it while your fiancé eats crow. If he wants a Thanksgiving, he can cook it himself. Don't let ANYONE make you feel like the bad guy! #theinternetsupportsyou
Normally the SOB insult kinda rankles with me because it's a bit sexist and insulting a woman that's not the transgressor. In this case, seeing what he and his whole family are like, I feel pretty safe in assuming that his mom is likely a royal B.
Load More Replies... Wow. After the 1st year I had sit down with my SO. 2nd year maybe again. 3rd year he would have gotten the divorce papers for thanksgiving. There was an episode at „according to jim“ like this. Your partner is not a cooking slave. And family related work should whenever possible be split 50/50, if its a big project even more and/or get outside help to begin with. I for one would not even have enough utensils to cater more than 10 people lol. Maybe he should cook for once and see how much effort it is? She can take care of the brisket instead.
NTA. Forty years is a tradition. Four is a habit - and not a good one.
You are welcome to my house!! I do alot of the work but my family brings food and sides and my mom gives me a hostess gift! This guy is HOW old?!? Acting like a kid! Time to leave this 3 ring circus
I’d start getting really bad at cooking. Want Turkey? Oh, well I put it in the oven yesterday (literally just outa the bag and into the oven) - dry, burned, flavorless, who cares!? Stuffing: Gluey stove top stuffing (and just 1 box). Mashed potatoes: another box. Cheap paper plates and canned soda for all to top it off and no one will ask you do to anything next year!
NTA. Lazy, inconsiderate fiance + lazy, inconsiderate fiance's lazy and inconsiderate family = run from both. Btw, who was paying for all that food? Thanksgiving dinner food costs are ludicrously expensive. Fiance may have unmentioned wonderful traits but the way he automatically foists all this responsibility off on her without even bothering to thank her for her efforts raises HUMONGOUS red flags...orange flags...black flags... Run, girl.
Strange he seems to have "found" your post on the internet too! Stalking! Kick him out. Live your life for yourself and make YOU happy. They can all f**k off.
This hit home. Today is Thanksgiving. I got up at 6am to start the turkey. The stove has been acting up and has to be cut off and back on repeatedly. I made candied yams, stuffing, green bean casserole, pickled beets, collard greens, mashed potatoes, gravy, pickled peaches, garlic rolls, fudge pie, lemon pie, vanilla pie, pecan pie cobbler. Just as everything is ready, my husband announces we've had an invitation for Thanksgiving at 2pm and he and our 14yo will be back soon. One hour and 45 minutes later they're back only to go to work until I call that dinner is ready I had to go get larger containers to put away the food bc no one ate. Yeah no more Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Taco bell.
I think this whole story is BS and if not she is associating with complete narcissistic a$$holes. Cooking a whole thanksgiving dinner is a lot of work-- I've done it-- but out of 20+ people over four years no one has said thank you or can I help is to me preposterous. Maybe she is exaggerating for effect but unless she is cooking for neonazi bikers who only know her husband and she's a meek wall flower, someone is going to say thank you. This feels like another BP post meant to get a rise out of people because we just don't feel angry enough already these days, do we.
She's a bit of a pushover. Last year she asked others to bring side dishes but she did them anyway. She should have left side dishes to the rest of the family, period. No one bothers to bring them, then there are not side dishes. Maybe let the rest of the family know that she isn't cooking this year. She is not cooking anything. If she has a menu at the ready, attach it and suggest they decide who's bringing what. And she isn't in charge of clean up, he is.
AITA posts mostly seem to be about people complaining to strangers and looking for validation. "AITA for not kicking my dog? My SO wanted me to do it but I said no." That kind of thing. There is an easy solution to this. Let everyone know what they are to bring. Do it publicly. If you don't get a response or if only some people give a response, uninvite everyone that failed to respond and either make it work with those that did respond or cancel it. Again do it publicly (as in all parties are on text chain, group, whatever). That would have taken less time then posting on Reddit and would have solved it. If it happens like that next year, do the same. What she would not have gotten is validation from a bunch of strangers and her 15 minutes of web fame.
Thats why i told my Mom years ago, "You know, Mom, This whole mess stops here!! I will not go though this , like you're doing especially for people i only see once a year!!!" And it has!!!
I'd do it, but I'd burn everything to a crisp. Or buy 20 ready made meals
Well hello?! Get a clue. Your fiance doesn't care about you. If you think marriage is going to change that, think again!
People can get the impression that a woman who does everything really enjoys it, especially if she's something of a perfectionist wanting to be the smiling hostess with everything done just right. And sometimes a woman unintentionally discourages other people from helping by criticizing their efforts. So people start thinking, "Well we can't make things to her standard and she obviously likes doing it all anyway, look how much she gets into it! So we'll just sit back and let her have her fun." Ladies don't start down this path!
Let's just end this quickly. Tell your fiancée to fix Thanksgiving dinner. The 50's are gone.
The entire family has horrible manners and/or has never learned proper social etiquette. Someone invites you to a dinner party: 1. You ask if you can bring anything. 2. Once you arrive you ask if you can help with anything. 3. After you've eaten dinner you tell them how good it was and thank them. 4. You offer to help with the dishes. ....Isn't this the norm? Literally everyone I have ever known seems to know these rules without being told.
Oh my, so right to say no, that's so much work and no one is helping. Good for her that she stood up. Anyone with sense knows how much work this takes, he and his family don't seem to have any consideration at all. Might want to reconsider the relationship, this is what life is going to be, and hope she doesn't go through with it. "I do" takes on a whole new meaning with this family. "Oh no I don't" would be better said.
We take it in turns in my family - we do one year, my sister does the next, etc etc
Run. My take, biggest red flag, whatever, is SHES BEEN ILL, HE STILL WANTS HIS OWN WAY, OVERRIDING HER HEALTH,!!!!!!! Run. Do not walk away from this manchild. If he's this way over a family meal, and the marriage hasn't happened yet, the fun hasn't even started yet,! /S
I feel so, so, so sad for this person. I'm sorry, but if that's how your husband treats you, he's not a partner, he's a dependent, and as far as I'm concerned, with that attitude, he's failing in your marriage. He needs to grow up, step up, get in, and start being an equal partner. Life, at the best of times, is treading water, and you need someone who buoys you up, not drags you down.
FO!... five already is too much to host, three is a crowd and two are more than enough. Holidays are made to rest, not to have work!
Maybe they initially enjoyed doing and giving, but it shouldn't be something that is expected all the time. Maybe they are burned out and need a break from it.
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I hear there's an opening for cooking and hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people.
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NTA. What did I just read? This women has been making Thanksgiving feasts for YEARS, single-handedly? And no one contributes? And the one year she decides to sit this one out because of her medical condition her husband goes berserk and reports "ThAts OuR fAmIlY TrAdItIoN"....No it ain't. A family tradition is when the whole family participates, when the whole family helps, when the whole family works as a team. Not leaving one person to do prepare everything while the other family members enjoy it without even a "Thank You". This women needs to get away fast. The only thing she did wrong is waiting it out for 4 years.
AND they bugger off with leftovers. Selfish buggers.
Load More Replies... Not only is he lazy, but if all he does when he's told no is sulk then his shitty attitude problems don't end there, they're probably just the tip of the iceberg.
Right, I'm thinking this is only the current (and most blatant) issue. How many smaller issues has OP decided to let slide? To 'get over'? To ignore? To "hope it gets better"? It ain't gettin' better sweetie! It is what it is!!! You got the picture, do you need to read the book? "Once people show you who they are; believe them" Maya Angelou. wrong-pers...b32f00.jpg
The question that I have is who was hosting before the op started doing it?
Probably his last partner..... sounds like they use them till they've run them into the ground like a cheap car.
Load More Replies... My family tradition is making you cook for all of us, and it dates back to the first time you fell for it.
I checked online. She's rethinking the relationship. She had reminded him several times that she would not be cooking. He disregarded what she said, invited his family without consulting her, and now he's trying to gaslight her into hosting and cooking.
Load More Replies... There more of an issue here than cooking Thanksgiving dinner. I'm sure most have already said, but I think twice about marrying into this family.
His family all sound like ingrates... which is why his behavior isn't surprising. That's how he was raised. As someone else pointed out, what where they doing before? Just how did this get dumped in her lap. Sounds like this "family tradition" started when she came on the scene.
Load More Replies... From experience, I tell this woman: RUN ! Now!.... Especially when you have a medical reason!
Dude, this is bullshit. In my family, we have MULTIPLE people cooking, and MULTIPLE people cleaning up after. And she just got off medication that made her feel like s**t and her fiance still wants her to do everything? F**K. HIM.
Re: "Tradition" ... what's that movie line, you keep using that word, but I don't think you know what it means. I wonder what the tradition was before she entered the picture? It's also very telling he'd rather just cancel Thanksgiving entirely instead of making other arrangements. If he's willing to do that because she's not doing all the work, evidently having the family together isn't so important after all. I hope she starts a new tradition this year by being single.
NTA. My sister actually makes two full turkey dinners because her stepsons can’t be in that same room together! But she does it because it makes her husband happy and he waits on her hand and foot the rest of the year. He literally brings her breakfast in bed every morning and does 90% of the housework (he is retired and she is not). So she does all this holiday cooking cheerfully. For this OP, I think this is just an indicator of how unbalanced their relationship is and how little she is valued.
I love cooking for Thanksgiving, and we've often had 20 or 25 people over, but they all bring at least one side, if not more. I do the turkey (and gravy), the dressing, the potatoes, and the cranberry relish. My wife does a couple sides. This year our friends down the street are hosting, but I'm still bringing all the stuff I usually make. Mostly because I prefer it the way I make it, and they do a lot of smoked meats, and it takes some of the pressure off of them.
Love this. I can overlook a ton of flaws in a spouse if they cook. You are a treasure - even if you don't like smoked meat.
Load More Replies... Youre not the asshole but the doormat. I hope she sticks to her new plans and sticks up for herself!
Oh yes, she's pulling the doormat from under his feet. Actually, she had warned him beforehand and he totally disregarded her refusal to cook and host.
Load More Replies... This is holding someone hostage for the others needs/desires. He so wants to be admired by the family he is willing to sacrifice, not himself, but his partner. I bought into this crazy hostage crappy for 15 years. Now I'm much better. Not only no, but I will leave you if you insist I do this again, is my new mantra.
NTA, so insane. I cook every year for 10 to 11 people and my husband helps with all of it. Prepping side dishes, peeling and cutting veggies as needed. We work together from the planning stage to the clean up stage. AND his cousin loves making the green bean casserole. He's been trying new recipes to make it 'fancy.' It's always good. The cousin is also the only one who runs off with leftovers; they're for his dad who doesn't like to travel and we always send leftovers for him. This poor woman. Her situation is untenable. I wouldn't marry him.
Why would you agree to marry someone who clearly thinks you're a maid? What IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE.
NTA. I've had to feed up to 8 people on Thanksgiving and can't imagine doing it for 20 with no help. And good for you for taking back part of yourself. Those people suck. Let them eat McDonalds. Don't don't change who you are for anyone. Good luck!
My very first thought as reading was "I BET YOU GOT STUCK WITH 100% OF CLEANUP TOO; clear and wipe the table, wash dishes, wash all cooking pans and utensils, pick up throughout house, vacuum, etc. AND cleanup before the dinner! I can tell you right now this SO 'cannot' vacuum, scrub bathroom, mop floor, and make house shine. Boot him! Should your health worsen I'm sending you a drawing of how much physical and emotional care you'll get from him _______________ <--- there, that's it.
I agree, I'm sick of BP taking stuff from Reddit, then then BP community thinks they are giving advice to someone who most likely has no idea their comments have been posted here. Also, I'm pretty sure this AITA post is made up, who on earth could think they are an AH with this story.
Load More Replies... cancelling everything even your wedding you mean? I feel bad for you. That is a TON of work, and your fiance doesn't help with anything but the brisket? That's really not fair to you at all. I also find it crazy insulting that no one brought anything even after they were asked to. His family sounds very lazy and selfish. Every year my husband and I do it all together. Sometimes I get stuck at work on holidays and my husband does majority of work those times (I work in a hospital in the ER so im on call 24/7). Marriage is a partnership and if your fiance can't back you up or help out then I think you'd be better off without him in your life.
Lose him! Hosting for the holidays with no appreciation from your in laws AND your partner?? You deserve to enjoy your holidays with those who appreciate you.
I am fuming about this and have to reiterate that your fiancé ITA in a monumental way. #Teamu/FinalBlackberry
She should not have went ahead and cooked when she thought noone was going to bring a dish like she asked. "well I told everyone to bring something, why didn't you?"
This is the reason so many women hate the holidays. It's just two months of never ending chores for many. In many families, all the bullshit of the season still falls on women because it's still expected. I used to hate watching the women in my family do all the work while the men sat around, drank, and watched football. All of my aunts worked full-time.
Had an uncle berate my aunt bc she didn't iron his shirt freshly that morning. She was visiting with her sisters before he got up. I was just a tween but told him they've invented a thing called permanent press or iron it yourself. What a baby.
Load More Replies... Why are you still with this jerk? He is anything BUT a partner. Take a dump on a platter. Serve it and tell everyone to eat poo & .....
Christmas in the Johnson household when I was young - Mum cooked for 8, she made veggie options (4 x veggies in the family) and turkey, she worked her socks off and made a great meal every year, she missed out on all sort of family time. Roll on to the new way. All the adults (now a slightly different set of people as sadly 4 x grandparents have passed away) bring a different part of the meal. Whoever is hosting does the main part of the main meal, everyone else brings the starters, vegetables, desserts etc. It’s all sorted long before Christmas, it’s a military operation bringing all together but first of all it means we are all talking a lot more (or whatsapping / on zoom) in the run up to Christmas, secondly Christmas Day is a truly shared experience, everyone is in and out of the kitchen all day, and thirdly (and most importantly) my Mum gets to see her grandchildren and we all get plenty of family time. Why would you consign someone to being tied to the kitchen?
It makes it easier for everyone else but the consignee.
Load More Replies... First of all, congratulation for inventing Time Travel. Congrats are not in order for your pick of "time native" you decided to bring back from 1951. That said, the few times we hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our house (never more than 10 people) my wife was the one cooking, I'll admit. But we have a deal: I cook dinner almost every night (and I am a damn good cook). I am Italian and she enjoys 300 dinners a year of some Italian dish I make. Admittedly, I am no good at big feasts. I could if I wanted to, I am sure, but she is better. She also enjoys making the big feast while I'd rather defoliate my skin with a cheese grater. I also help clean and put away the dishes, food, etc. I think that works for us and we are both OK with it. I should add that because of various illnesses, I do most of the vacuuming and cleaning. You should seriously reconsider your relationship. People can change, but I get the feeling he is not one of them.
NTA. Sounds like he thinks the purpose of getting married is to have someone that does everything household and holiday-related while he sits on his a**e. You aren't even married yet and so should not be hosting chit, let alone for 4 years running. How did that even get started? Sounds to me like you're engaged to a man-child with the spoiled personality of 10 years old boy. You're not even married yet and he is pulling this nonsense. You should end that seriously one-sided relationship.
NTA. Your partner and his family don't respect you at all, you're just their little slave. Your husband is a man child who has been catered for, for far too long so now he expects it. Part of this will be because he was raised that way (women do everything and guys sit around scratching their balls waiting to get fed) and part is your fault for doing this as he wanted every year. Yes, i know you did it to be nice and a good wife, but it spoiled him so he doesn't appreciate it, instead he just flat out expects it. Tell him to grow the F*** up, he's acting like a spoiled 5yr old who was told he can't have a cookie. This on top of your medical issue, he clearly doesn't care about you, otherwise he would've instantly said "you've been through a lot, let's order catering and everyone can chip in $10 to cover it". Dump this fool, his family, and find a man who APPRECIATES you.
NTA! Your fiancé ITA, big time! I don't blame you for doing this and standing your ground. It sounds like no one appreciates you. Your fiancé ITA for being so selfish. It's unbelievable to me that even when you explained it to him that he was such a POS SOB, especially when he knows what's going on with your health problems. They don't deserve what you do for them. If I were you, I'd make a delicious dinner for myself and enjoy it while your fiancé eats crow. If he wants a Thanksgiving, he can cook it himself. Don't let ANYONE make you feel like the bad guy! #theinternetsupportsyou
Normally the SOB insult kinda rankles with me because it's a bit sexist and insulting a woman that's not the transgressor. In this case, seeing what he and his whole family are like, I feel pretty safe in assuming that his mom is likely a royal B.
Load More Replies... Wow. After the 1st year I had sit down with my SO. 2nd year maybe again. 3rd year he would have gotten the divorce papers for thanksgiving. There was an episode at „according to jim“ like this. Your partner is not a cooking slave. And family related work should whenever possible be split 50/50, if its a big project even more and/or get outside help to begin with. I for one would not even have enough utensils to cater more than 10 people lol. Maybe he should cook for once and see how much effort it is? She can take care of the brisket instead.
NTA. Forty years is a tradition. Four is a habit - and not a good one.
You are welcome to my house!! I do alot of the work but my family brings food and sides and my mom gives me a hostess gift! This guy is HOW old?!? Acting like a kid! Time to leave this 3 ring circus
I’d start getting really bad at cooking. Want Turkey? Oh, well I put it in the oven yesterday (literally just outa the bag and into the oven) - dry, burned, flavorless, who cares!? Stuffing: Gluey stove top stuffing (and just 1 box). Mashed potatoes: another box. Cheap paper plates and canned soda for all to top it off and no one will ask you do to anything next year!
NTA. Lazy, inconsiderate fiance + lazy, inconsiderate fiance's lazy and inconsiderate family = run from both. Btw, who was paying for all that food? Thanksgiving dinner food costs are ludicrously expensive. Fiance may have unmentioned wonderful traits but the way he automatically foists all this responsibility off on her without even bothering to thank her for her efforts raises HUMONGOUS red flags...orange flags...black flags... Run, girl.
Strange he seems to have "found" your post on the internet too! Stalking! Kick him out. Live your life for yourself and make YOU happy. They can all f**k off.
This hit home. Today is Thanksgiving. I got up at 6am to start the turkey. The stove has been acting up and has to be cut off and back on repeatedly. I made candied yams, stuffing, green bean casserole, pickled beets, collard greens, mashed potatoes, gravy, pickled peaches, garlic rolls, fudge pie, lemon pie, vanilla pie, pecan pie cobbler. Just as everything is ready, my husband announces we've had an invitation for Thanksgiving at 2pm and he and our 14yo will be back soon. One hour and 45 minutes later they're back only to go to work until I call that dinner is ready I had to go get larger containers to put away the food bc no one ate. Yeah no more Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. Taco bell.
I think this whole story is BS and if not she is associating with complete narcissistic a$$holes. Cooking a whole thanksgiving dinner is a lot of work-- I've done it-- but out of 20+ people over four years no one has said thank you or can I help is to me preposterous. Maybe she is exaggerating for effect but unless she is cooking for neonazi bikers who only know her husband and she's a meek wall flower, someone is going to say thank you. This feels like another BP post meant to get a rise out of people because we just don't feel angry enough already these days, do we.
She's a bit of a pushover. Last year she asked others to bring side dishes but she did them anyway. She should have left side dishes to the rest of the family, period. No one bothers to bring them, then there are not side dishes. Maybe let the rest of the family know that she isn't cooking this year. She is not cooking anything. If she has a menu at the ready, attach it and suggest they decide who's bringing what. And she isn't in charge of clean up, he is.
AITA posts mostly seem to be about people complaining to strangers and looking for validation. "AITA for not kicking my dog? My SO wanted me to do it but I said no." That kind of thing. There is an easy solution to this. Let everyone know what they are to bring. Do it publicly. If you don't get a response or if only some people give a response, uninvite everyone that failed to respond and either make it work with those that did respond or cancel it. Again do it publicly (as in all parties are on text chain, group, whatever). That would have taken less time then posting on Reddit and would have solved it. If it happens like that next year, do the same. What she would not have gotten is validation from a bunch of strangers and her 15 minutes of web fame.
Thats why i told my Mom years ago, "You know, Mom, This whole mess stops here!! I will not go though this , like you're doing especially for people i only see once a year!!!" And it has!!!
I'd do it, but I'd burn everything to a crisp. Or buy 20 ready made meals
Well hello?! Get a clue. Your fiance doesn't care about you. If you think marriage is going to change that, think again!
People can get the impression that a woman who does everything really enjoys it, especially if she's something of a perfectionist wanting to be the smiling hostess with everything done just right. And sometimes a woman unintentionally discourages other people from helping by criticizing their efforts. So people start thinking, "Well we can't make things to her standard and she obviously likes doing it all anyway, look how much she gets into it! So we'll just sit back and let her have her fun." Ladies don't start down this path!
Let's just end this quickly. Tell your fiancée to fix Thanksgiving dinner. The 50's are gone.
The entire family has horrible manners and/or has never learned proper social etiquette. Someone invites you to a dinner party: 1. You ask if you can bring anything. 2. Once you arrive you ask if you can help with anything. 3. After you've eaten dinner you tell them how good it was and thank them. 4. You offer to help with the dishes. ....Isn't this the norm? Literally everyone I have ever known seems to know these rules without being told.
Oh my, so right to say no, that's so much work and no one is helping. Good for her that she stood up. Anyone with sense knows how much work this takes, he and his family don't seem to have any consideration at all. Might want to reconsider the relationship, this is what life is going to be, and hope she doesn't go through with it. "I do" takes on a whole new meaning with this family. "Oh no I don't" would be better said.
We take it in turns in my family - we do one year, my sister does the next, etc etc
Run. My take, biggest red flag, whatever, is SHES BEEN ILL, HE STILL WANTS HIS OWN WAY, OVERRIDING HER HEALTH,!!!!!!! Run. Do not walk away from this manchild. If he's this way over a family meal, and the marriage hasn't happened yet, the fun hasn't even started yet,! /S
I feel so, so, so sad for this person. I'm sorry, but if that's how your husband treats you, he's not a partner, he's a dependent, and as far as I'm concerned, with that attitude, he's failing in your marriage. He needs to grow up, step up, get in, and start being an equal partner. Life, at the best of times, is treading water, and you need someone who buoys you up, not drags you down.
FO!... five already is too much to host, three is a crowd and two are more than enough. Holidays are made to rest, not to have work!
Maybe they initially enjoyed doing and giving, but it shouldn't be something that is expected all the time. Maybe they are burned out and need a break from it.
Load More Replies... I hear there's an opening for cooking and hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for 20 people.
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