“Am I The Jerk For Kicking Out An Intellectually Disabled Young Woman From My Party?”
When Reddit user Goodyhushp and her husband recently threw a BBQ party, they thought they’d have a fun evening with some friends. However, the couple ended up in what seemed like a lose-lose predicament from a moral point of view.
Their intellectually disabled neighbor showed up uninvited and started mingling with the guests. The woman and her husband contacted her parents and asked them to pick her up, but they didn’t see a problem that their daughter was among a group of drinking strangers, and thought the couple were being too egoistic, robbing her of a good time.
Unsure what to think of the situation, Goodyhushp explained what happened to the ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘ community, asking for their opinions.
This woman and her husband threw a BBQ party for their friends
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
But an intellectually disabled young woman showed up uninvited
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
Image credits: goodyhushp
No doubt J’s parents are having a difficult time and deserve our sympathy. (And they’re not alone, there are over 7 million people with intellectual disabilities in the US).
Physically, chronologically and legally, the young woman is (most likely) an adult. But while many of her peers are at university or working, facing endless potential, J seems to be stuck in (some sort of) limiting childhood.
And while other parents can step back from their responsibilities as their kids grow up, hers are forever on duty.
Restricted intellect means limited opportunities and relying in the long term on social security. For all their interdependence, these people’s circle of friends tend to be small and limited to others with intellectual disabilities and family members, further compounding their isolation.
So her desire to meet and spend time with someone else is also completely understandable.
But while adults with intellectual disabilities should be encouraged to develop routines that involve more stimulating pursuits, such as regular exercise or opportunities to interact with others, ultimately, it’s not their neighbors’ duty.
People thought the couple had every right to ask her to leave, and that her parents must do better
I understand their guilt, but I lean towards NTA. And I didn't expect to when I clicked this. Of course the parents want social stuff for their daughter (and perhaps some wee breaks). But given the property isn't ideal in that the areas have no physical boundary, it's easy to guess how this young lady may view the backyard as a large, enjoyable space with fun ppl. However: It is not OPs responsibility, and she has tried to do this with minimum harm and fuss. Even if the young lady had no intellectual disabilities, OP isn't obliged to keep her as a guest. I have physical disabilities (spina bifida occulta), and although that's different I understand OPs fear of insulting someone due to their disability. But equity is normalizing disability, and in this case the young lady was treated like any uninvited guest, disabled or not.
The most important comment in the post is the first one. The potential for abuse to occur to J is extremely high and her parents are completely negligent. It would appear that she's disabled to the point that she can't live alone, and they probably are "Representative Payees" over her disability check, because she likely cannot manage her finances either. It's not like a full conservatorship like Britney Spears was under, but probably they just control her finances and they may have power of attorney, something to that effect. I worked with people with Developmental Disabilities and MR for 7 years managing a home for a lady. Her parents are putting her at risk by not having better control over her care. While the people who visit OP may be harmless, there may be many others in the neighborhood that are not harmless and will take advantage of J's situation. There are day programs, personal one on one programs, and respite care providers, available for J. Cont below.
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Would I be right to guess that if she wasn't disabled and showed up uninvited and you asked her to leave this wouldn't be an issue right? Disability or not an uninvited guest is an uninvited guest. Also they need to go and have a stern conversation with the parents...they seem to have boundary issues and think it's ok to make their daughter their neighbors problem.
My son has cp and autism and honestly we would prefer people treat him like everyone else and not infantilize him.
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Nta because if she drank booze or someone got fresh with her or she injured herself or caused a scene it would be on you. Her parents need to teach her boundaries. Or you can go to the hoa if one an bring it up. It's not up to you to entertain her. And her destruction of pulling your grass up is not to be taken lightly. My sister in law has a sister w a mentally disabled son. Who at 13 was a big as a linebacker. He would tear out grass at peoples houses at parties. Sit on others laps. Shove half eaten food in peoples faces. Sat on me once and gory my back as a I didn't see him coming an he dropped as dead weight onto my lap. And at a child's bday party stopped naked and fondled himself. Yea the mom was overtaken with the stress an embarrassment because she couldn't leave him home alone and didn't want to miss social family events. Usually he was ok to deal with. He's in a home now because he was out bursting dangerously. But there is a limit guests can endure.
My son is 31, autistic and longs to hang out with people. But reality tells me he has a temper at times, especially when someone is teasing him or yelling at him. He is also on medication that can react badly with too much alcohol consumption. I would also never expect anyone else to be responsible for him unless they were trained to handle any outbursts as well as know his limitations. If this is a constant problem, consider enclosing your yard and providing maintenance with the key for access or suggesting that the caregivers enclose their yard to keep her contained. That way they don't have to keep an eye on her 24/7 while at the same time, avoiding irritating the neighbors.
I appreciate you weighing in as someone who is a caretaker.
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There is a line where being compassionate turns over into something you are just not trained to deal with. Some people need a little supervision, and that’s fine, but it doesn’t have to be you.
Parent of an intellectually disabled child here. She needs to be in a group home. People like her NEED to be watched CONSTANTLY. If her parents aren't capable then it's their duty as her parents to make that decision. It isn't a matter of opinion it is fact. Definitely NTA.
Next time, call the police. Not just for your liability but for the safety of the young woman. A disabled person deserves to be advocated for. And making a log and alerting the authorities might make her parents get off their lazy, neglectful butts and do what they re supposed to do: take care of their child. She needs to be enrolled in an adult program to socialize her, keep her from dangerous wandering, and potentially teach her some life skills (my dad's cousin is in a program like this). Letting her roam like a stray cat is horrifically irresponsible. She might even need to be placed in a special home. Sure the family receives some sort of disability and this is clearly not going towards her wellbeing and care. She seems to be in need of a constant chaperone. It is also alarming that she seems interested in the OP'd husband. Not only are they liable when she is on their property, wrongful accusations of assault could be levied on the neighbor should SHE act inappropriately.
There are a lot of assumptions in this statement. You assume the caretakers are lazy when, in fact, the may be exhausted. I had very little help with my son and have not had breaks away from him in years. It takes a toll on you physically and psychologically. You assume they are collecting disability on her behalf when they may be well off enough to pay for all of her needs. Some people suggested putting her in a group home, but there are limited group homes and long waiting lists. And those adult programs you refer to are few and far between as well. Besides that changing her routine isn't as simple as telling her "No." Change is very difficult for people on the spectrum.
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A few years ago my family was vacationing at a resort with a water park. We were in the lazy river, and as we came around the corner, I saw a teenage boy flipping all the kids off their rafts as they passed him, right in front of a "lifeguard". As we passed he went to tip my daughter over, and I firmly told him NO. I made sure my children and their friends passed with no issues, then I spoke with the lifeguard. The lifeguards were young kids, had no idea what to do. My issue is this boy was clearly disabled. Where were his parents? Why would you leave his supervision, which he so obviously needs, up to strangers. Strangers that are not equipped to handle his different abilities, and may be more concerned about THEIR child's safety and well-being, which they have every right to be.
You would be surprised how many of the learning disabled kids my son went to school with got dropped off at parks like that...no supervision. Parents figured because there were park managers/lifeguards and the facility was enclosed, there would be no problem.
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Yeah the title seemed to imply it was like a bbq where the neighbours were invited and J was kicked out. But like an uninvited guest? Nah, nta. J isn't the a*****e tho, that title belongs with her parents, guilting op for not wanting this uninvited guest
NTA. Aside from all of the obvious reasons, her parents need to be very concerned that she could put herself in a dangerous situation with a sexual predator!
NTA. OP has been reasonable already, and it's not their job or place to take responsibility for someone that they not only didn't invite to their property, but whom they may not be equipped to handle even if she had been invited. Either way, it sounds like J's parents are being lazy about teaching and/or enforcing boundaries with their daughter, but trying to make it OP's problem.
NTA. You were right to say you couldn't guarantee her safety if you and your friends were drinking. She was not a responsibility you had taken on. It's great that she wants to be friends, but boundaries help everyone in the long run.
NTA. Sounds like the parents wanted a free night when they didn't have to supervise their child. Of course they tried to palm her off on the OP. They need a strong reminder of their responsibilities.
It’s unfortunate that a person would want to be with people who don’t want them around. Somebody needs to explain that to the young lady instead of trying to change the minds of the people who don’t want her around.
Weighing in as the FT caregiver to my 87 year old grandmother and PT to my sister's two youngest children (8 & 5). My life is dedicated to taking care of other people's needs. OP did nothing wrong here and is NTA. It is J's parents who are doing a disgraceful disservice to their daughter by neglecting her needs that they're able to identify but seem disinterested in meeting. Every hour of my grandmother's day is structured around what she's able to do, keeping her focused, targeted activities, medical necessities, and above all SAFETY. She requires constant supervision to ensure that she isn't pushing past the safety limits I've put in place, which can change based on her mental state and is why I observe her so closely. I don't do this to restrict her, but to limit her risk of harm, as should J's parents. It is WORK and they don't seem to want to do it, which I understand. It's not a job that everyone can handle but that doesn't dismiss them of their responsibility to J. (Cont'd)
Without all the information as to J's disability, we can only go by what we have been told. J is mentally, intellectually, and emotionally a child. Let's say 10-12 years old. She lives in the body of a grown woman. The risk of harm to her is GREATLY heightened by this as she is a perfect target for predation, manipulation, and abuse. My sister spent the first 10 years of her medical career working in assisted living facilities for MR adults. These places exist for people just like J who have needs that their families are unable to provide. These facilities have skilled, trained, CERTIFIED staff who look after the residents and make sure everything I mentioned above (re: Grandma) is being prioritized. If J's parents are unable/unwilling to do this, and there are specialized programs for this exact reason, how on earth could anyone think it's remotely appropriate to ask the neighbors 4 units down to do this? It's not. Strong NTA.
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I didn't even think about hte legal repercussions but NTA. Just because someone is disable doeesn't mean they are allowed to crash private parties. I would build a fence and give maintenance the key.
We don't know if the OP owns or rents but the open backyard allows mowing-- probably on a riding mower. I don't think fencing in the yard is an option.
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NTA!! OP understood that if something bad had happened to J on her property (accident, assault, abduction, death), her parents would've sued OP and her husband for negligence! I understand that caring for an intellectually disabled young adult is exhausting, but J's parents should not expect the neighbors to watch over their daughter whenever THEY want! I have a friend whose daughter is similar to J in that she's also intellectually delayed. Since she was a child, her single mom kept her active in sports (swimming) and other programs. Yet she kept a close eye on her girl (she's actually about 30), so she's very careful about socialization. If there are programs for J to take part in that are in a safe environment and with people who are similar to J, the parents should look into them and get her into them to keep HER busy!
I came here expecting something tone deaf, but I’m actually leaning towards NTA. As someone WITH an intellectual disability (although not as severe, *obviously*), what I say is this: We legitimately cannot control some of the stuff we do, but that doesn’t mean you can just let us go wild. Either reel your child back in yourself, or hire someone who can.
1,000% not the a****** and her parents are horrible. My son is autistic. If this original poster was not a nice person there is so many horrible things that could have happened to J and her parents would have no idea. What if the people at the party were like here have some drinks got her drunk took advantage of her hurt her kidnapped her I can think of a million ways that this girl is in danger and her parents would have absolutely no idea what happened to her. Not everyone in this world is a nice person If you have a disabled child I don't care how old they are you are responsible for keeping them safe. Letting them wander wherever they want is putting them at a huge risk.
NTA. Now, hear me out, I have great empathy for J. She's bored and having hormonal feelings she doesn't understand. These are issues her parents should be addressing. One day J is going to wander somewhere she should not go and get hurt. If they were reasonable they would ask the OP if J could come over and remunerate them for watching her for a bit. The bottom line is it's not safe for J to wander into a party with alcohol and fire. Period. J's parents are failing her, not the OP.
NTA it's not your responsibility to entertain their daughter. If she was normal you wouldn't have felt bad at all if an uninvited guest showed up at your party. You would've asked her to leave just the same.
NTA. "What's the problem?" your neighbors ask. Here are three reasons why you are justified in not allowing J to loiter around your property: 1) It's not your responsibility to supervise J, it's her parents'. They are being quite negligent in that area, setting their daughter up for being abducted--or worse. 2) That is YOUR private property, not your neighbors'. You alone have the right to decide who comes and goes, and when. J is not being taught to respect boundaries, which is inexcusable. 3) The first time J is injured on your property, you can bet that her "concerned" parents will be on you faster than yellowjackets on fresh meat. They will sue you for sure, possibly pushing you into bankruptcy. The next time J wanders onto your property, politely ask her to leave. If she does not do so, call her parents and tell them that failure to properly supervise their own daughter can be seen as criminal.
NTA. As a parent of a child with an intellectual disability (and I suspect I have one, but unsure.) they are capable of learning and understanding boundaries. Social cues may be more challenging, but when told they need to respect someone's privacy and property they can totally comprehend. I'm not sure if this J person has a disability, as it's merely assumed. I'm not sure why it was mentioned if not confirmed. Seems like the OP really wanted to stretch out the story to be more controversial than it is. I'm getting the sense the OP pities J, or feels bad deep down, but boundaries have to be laid down, and that falls on the parents, too. J's parents are enabling their daughter to interfere, and perhaps encouraging this behaviour. They may even be just neglectful parents who didn't parent much, and purposefully stifled her growth. But that's just me also speculating. Still, it could be a plausible theory and explains her parent's disregard for the wishes of the neighbour.
The probable disability is relevant because that's why the OP feels guilty tossing her out. Normally tossing an uninvited guest wouldn't elicit the same guilt. The woman must be disabled even though we don't know her diagnosis. Her parents say she can "play" in the backyard safely and they say they can't watch her every second. Those are not normal things to say about someone in her 20s.
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NTA Here's one of my pet peeves. Back in the 1970's when mental patients were turned out to live in normal society, NO ONE received any kind of training to deal with them. Patients who required special handling were tossed out into the general population who dealt with them as they saw fit, right or wrong. Many of the patients didn't do well at all. Her parents shouldn't expect to be able to let her mix and mingle, unsupervised, without there being problems. She's their child. They know her behavior better than anyone and they shouldn't expect strangers to be responsible for her.
That is completely ignoring the very real abuse and mistreatment that happened at these facilities. You might want to read up on that...
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why are they focusing on the fact that she has a disability? it's irrelevant to the problem. she was a trespasser - treat her like one. obviously with kindness, but don't single her out for her disability. NTA but they should examine their potential ableism.
Some people, like the people at the very bottom of the comment section, think that kicking disabled out of an event or trying to get away from them is rude and ableist. So because of that, op wanted to know if they were in the wrong. I don't think they were "singling" her out because she had a disability but because if what her disability was. She's a grown woman that behaves like a child, that could make people uncomfortable and also feel obligated to watch over her. Nobady wanted that.
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Mom of a disabled person about to be an adult who needs a caregiver and hard NTA. It is my and/ or his caregiver's responsibility to find places for him to socialize. It is our responsibility to see to his safety. WTF is wrong with people.
The couple throwing the barbecue was certainly within their rights, but they were definitely unkind. I remember an article from years ago when a mentally disabled young woman was put on a plane BY HERSELF for her first airplane trip to visit a relative. She became so frightened that she asked the woman sitting next to her if she could hold her hand. The woman immediately summoned a stewardess, reported her and demanded she be given another seat. The young lady was made to leave the airplane. The airline later "apologised," sort of, but the harm was done. It's absolutely free to be kind. Doesn't cost a thing. People will never forget how you made them feel! I think there were other options here.
I'm really giving this one a lot of thought because it's a very sensitive topic so I'd like to hear what others are saying. What do you think was unkind about how OP handled the situation? I didn't feel any unkindness here and I completely agree with you that being kind costs nothing and we can always find a way to offer it (what a terrible story about the airplane!). What other options would you have rather seen OP try first?
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It's funny because no one (including OP) knows exactly what's the neighbor intellectual disability is but y'all assume s**t... Unless it's a severe disability, a 20something yo it's not a child. Just explain it to HER, not only to the parents. She might have a ID but she's not f*****g dumb.
Didn't op say her mindset was that of a child? She may physically br an adult, but she has the mind of a child.
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You could've told them "what the harm could've really been if you two were weirdos or had any friends who aren't as pleasant as you guys" sounds like she's bored but I agree she would benefit far more from a structured activity where she could make friends of her own that may relate better with her. You aren't a babysitter and she wasn't invited. It's not the 50s anymore. Not everyone is always welcome and you don't need to be friends with your neighbors. I'd feel guilty as well but you can't afford something happening to her and you being held responsible since you're future cognitively. Doesn't work that way. The parents are lucky they have nice safe neighbors in the first place. It's dangerous for someone who's defenseless to make friends with strangers...even if it's just doors away. What if she drank and was on medication that didn't allow that? Just because she's of adult age doesn't mean she can consent to any adult issues by herself or without parents guidance it sounds.
NTA. Her parents don't know you OR your friends. Neither does 'J'. So if a stranger grabs her hand at the edge of the property, and leads her away, rapes, or worse, murders her, you and your friends would be number one suspects. Her parents can't watch her, but they'll scream that YOU should have watched her and what happened would be your fault, especially in Civil Court. They would ruin you reputation AND your finances
OP was not wrong. Look into your HOA rule book. Then meet with the parents. Explain HOA rules. Give them a chance to review them. Look into available Adult Day Care facilities and give the list to them. Then proceed to explain you cannot be responsible for her as you are not an adult day care. Explain you cannot be responsible for her on your property incase of injuries. If you haven't contacted the HOA already, do so. Let them step in. By all means document all interaction with them and the results of your efforts. She is damaging your yard by picking at it, she came to an event she wasn't invited to, what if she had been injured. She hangs out by your back door. If your measures don't bring solutions get a mediator from the HOA. I would only call Police as a last resort, if nothing else works.
I’m horrified to hear of these negligent parents. Wandering without any companion or guardian, something very, very bad is going to happen to that girl. I have a sister with intellectual disabilities. She basically has the mind of a young child. She went everywhere and did everything with family, but she was always watched over and cared for. After our parents died, I and my other sister moved in together so we could look after her. OP is not wrong is making her leave, but for her own peace of mind, she needs to report this to the appropriate people. CPS? Police? AHRC? There has to be some social service org that is involved with her. Don’t wait until she doesn’t come home one day and her abused body is found dumped somewhere.
At first I was going to say YTA, but after reading the post I'm going soft NTA. She wasn't invited and was unsupervised, and she doesn't seem to be in any state to be unsupervised at a party, especially if there would be alcohol involved. While it's not her fault or OP's that she has a developmental issue, there's a line that has to be drawn to set boundaries. Invite her and the family to gatherings, but don't let her just wander in.
You are not in the wrong. You asked her parents to come bring her home and they refused. She is not your responsibility.
What I take issue with is the language on disabled people in this post. The author has worded this with an incredibly limited view on disabled people that comes off very ableist, "these people" as they put it, are still people and the author really needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity. Sounded like an ABA brochure with all the parent pity and lack of understanding. OP is Maybe TA, not because of not wanting J at the party, that is reasonable-but sounds like they could have communicated better and more kindly.
Several people said that if something were to happen to her, her parents would sue. How does that work? If I invite someone over and they get burn with the grill, can they sue me? Does it work only for kids?
In general if someone is injured on your property you can be sued. Even if you don't lose the suit, it will be a big hassle.
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I think you should make arrangements with some kind of religious cult and that your daughter has been misbehaving and you would like her whisked away for her own good and they should be ready within a month to come and kidnap her. And of coarse donate a little some thing. The brethren do that sort of stuff. Good luck.
Peter, whatchu talkin' 'bout? Have you been snacking on brownies?
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This sounds exactly like a previous story, except in the previous story the couple's daughter was friends with "J" and she brought "J" to the party, after spending most of the day at "J"'s house. Is this the same story leaving out that detail or is this just an unbelievably similar story?
Also you may want to look into the American Disability's Act. What are you allowed to do. Are you allowed to put up a movable foldable fence around your backyard? Then you could move it on lawn mowing day, just a thought.
-everday have a pretty good idea that their harmless and not a threat to no one!!. Another reason i feel the couple are in the wrong and kinda makes me think they just hate her especially the lady is cause how the heck is it she gives us an impression the girl is mentally disabled or challenged and has the mindset of a child but then states that she beleives she chooses to come to their lot cause she has a crush on her husband! Then softens the statement with she thinks where cool! Like how do put those two together child mindset crush on husband i know that does happen at times with children but why jump to the assumption at all is a bit dillusional if she feels the girl isnt all there in her head unless she felt insecure in regards to her in some sense cause even though girl does have the mentality of a child she is still a grown woman physically maybe but other than that i cant see how the thought would even occur. But what urked and triggered me about this article is how they-
She may be mentally a child, but she's physically an adult, and with all those urges. Trust me, men and women of mental disabilities can crush just as much as anyone can. She's probably saying or physically acting out in a way that makes them wonder. We had a ward in one of the houses I worked at, and she would try to pinch the butt of any cute guy, and get inappropriate with them. The company made it a female workers only home to keep everyone safe from lawsuits after she tried to sexually assault one of my male coworkers. Thank goodness we work in pairs.
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And being that she is underage and at a party with adults drinking if she wants a drink or to partake just tell her as the host you'll make her a drink and leave out the alcohol 🍸 if she really has the mind of a child like this couple mentioned then she won't know the difference. If the guests are seriously so idiotic to feel uncomfortable and don't catch on in conversation and the girls behavior. Why doesn't the host being the couple send everyone a text to better explain situation privately without embarrassing the girl like they did by having her parents come get her causing a scene. I've been to parties of families even friends that always included plus ones and the guests brought anyone even adults with these types of disabilities or sometimes the neighbors with disabilities adult or children wandered in yet everyone knew to be HUMAN! go with the flow to be nice welcoming especially because you know them they aren't perfect strangers that wandered in off the street you see them-
-always in mind especially if they know it's mental that they have to be careful how they word talk around them in a way they somewhat comprehend. and look out for them in any way and defend them cause you know better when they are being torn down bullied or harassed I would take it that most ppl without a condition this would just be common sense a simple principle of decency a moral obligation if you can help someone and are in a position to or make someone feel good why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you defend someone who doesn't know how to defend themselves. It's sad and it's ridiculous that this couple or anyone of their friends would feel uncomfortable cause the girl was there just standing there as if she is alien or they've never encountered anyone like her before why not be nice make small talk or just ignore her no need to take her presence personally in any offensive way when she wasn't doing anything to offend anyone. Just make sure no one offers her a drink and if she wants-
No one is suggesting that the couple treat this young lady rudely. Intellectually/Cognitively Impaired, "J" is not their responsibility as they are not her caregivers. They've tried nicely explaining to her parents about previous incidents of J being in their yard, behaving inappropriately, to no avail. J is physically an adult; with the mind of someone much, much, younger. Sure she could have a crush on the OP's husband. She doesn't understand boundaries on so many levels. If the OP thought it was "cool", why are we reading an article by her? There are way too many ways these unsolicited visits could go sideways. Now you want the OP to write a textertation to the invited guest explaining J's limitations and how to respond to her?
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I don't understand why the most empathetic comments are getting downvoted... yes, a lot of them have hot takes like implying that the couple should've just sucked it up and let her stay, but at the end of the day, I feel like we're all forgetting that she's also a living breathing human being. she has feelings. she isn't a dog. she can't just be chained up to a kennel so she doesn't bother the neighbors. to me, she seems very lonely, being unable to interact with anyone other than her parents and I really emphasize with her. there was no perfect way to go about this without hurting her or just suck it up and "babysit" (which by the way is a bit rude to say about an adult with autism) I wish this young lady the best and I feel sorry for the couple that had to cope with her loneliness
How do we know she has autism? There are a broad array of mental disabilities. I thought she said she has no idea what's up with the girl, just that she seems slow and at the mentality of some one younger.
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Yta. All you had to do was socialize, sure shes on YOUR property, but so what? Your excluding her cuz shes a bit weird and 'picking at grass', im hearing that your paranoid that she has a crush on your husband so you turned into a catty b*tch making that poor girl cry for NO REASON other than some imagined crush and a few 'bald patches' of grass
They don't want to babysit a grown woman with a mindset of a child. She's at a party with adults where there is most likely alcohol. She doesn't belong there.
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This is why people with disabilities kill themselves because of shitty people.
Perfectly within theeir rights to ask her to leave, but anyone else getting the feeling that society is getting less tolerant and just meaner?
No. Society still has a lot to work on in terms of tolerance and acceptance, but I'm sure it wasn't any easier for people with disabilities in the past. OP did nothing wrong and wasn't mean or insulting to J. She just didn't want to take responsibility for her if something goes wrong.
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Esh, if she wasn't doing any harm, why not be nice? There seem to be a lot of paranoid people on this thread. She's lonely, you can help with that.
It's not that J wasn't doing any harm. It's that as a child in the body of a grown woman, J is a perfect target for harm to come TO HER. This is why those with special needs require supervision, support, structure, boundaries, and socialization in a safe environment. The BBQ of the neighbors who live 4 units away, attended by total strangers who are consuming alcohol, and to which J was not an invited guest is not a safe environment.
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Both. Had to put in parentheses you were nice "promise". BS. Sad a Developmentally Delayed person makes you and your friends uncomfortable. Puts a kink in your vibe. These are your neighbors and you can actually model good behavior for her. Hand her a coke and hotdog. People are horrible these days. You are definitely an AH. Mainly a shitty human being. These AITA are killing me. We are like NTA to people, then tear apart the people they are talking smack about.
Or J could just leave. Just because she's disabled doesn't mean she HAS to be at the party. Let adults be comfortable.
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She's NTA, her property and all that, but I would have played it slightly differently. I would have let J stay at the party (since she "wasn't doing any harm") and then talk to her parents and big up the drinking/adult aspect. I think that way J would have been saved the humiliation of being thrown out of a party and as much as I respect the OP's right to act the way she did, I think there was a better way of dealing with the situation.
She had already spoken to the parents to absolutely no avail
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Guess there's no such thing as trespassing laws and private property. We all can just wander around and come over to squat at your place? Compassion and treating people with dignity and respect doesn't extent to just allow allowing people to do whatever they like, whenever they like; especially when it puts them in possible danger. You wouldn't allow a 13 year old girl to attend a new neighbors' party with stangers that are drinking alcohol by herself. Or maybe you would; that would be child neglect by the way.
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Except she is underage, uninvited, and has been told several times she isnt to be there. And someone uninvited just standing around not saying anything when uninvited is uncomfortable regardless of who it is. My son is 17 and delayed. I would expect people to be polite ("fake nice") to him when asking him to do something. And i would expect him to respect their wishes and stay off their property if asked.
Load More Replies... How wonderful it must be to simply jump inside people's heads and know their true intentions and character and come back and pompously pronounce judgement on them, all the while accusing them of virtue signalling when the only actually horrible soul doing that is yourself
Load More Replies... If they don't want J there, then they don't want J there. Period.
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I FIND YOUR USE OF CAPITALS STRANGELY UNCONVINCING
Load More Replies... If you can't bear being disagreed with - and obviously you can't, to the point of smearing others with only the inventions of your own mind as back up - then this is not the place for you.
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It sounds very much like it's way more of a problem than her just being "messy" and not understanding social cues but OP doesn't want to go into that to avoid insulting her or something. I have autism and can be messy and don't understand social cues well but even I wouldn't do the things J did.
Load More Replies... I understand their guilt, but I lean towards NTA. And I didn't expect to when I clicked this. Of course the parents want social stuff for their daughter (and perhaps some wee breaks). But given the property isn't ideal in that the areas have no physical boundary, it's easy to guess how this young lady may view the backyard as a large, enjoyable space with fun ppl. However: It is not OPs responsibility, and she has tried to do this with minimum harm and fuss. Even if the young lady had no intellectual disabilities, OP isn't obliged to keep her as a guest. I have physical disabilities (spina bifida occulta), and although that's different I understand OPs fear of insulting someone due to their disability. But equity is normalizing disability, and in this case the young lady was treated like any uninvited guest, disabled or not.
The most important comment in the post is the first one. The potential for abuse to occur to J is extremely high and her parents are completely negligent. It would appear that she's disabled to the point that she can't live alone, and they probably are "Representative Payees" over her disability check, because she likely cannot manage her finances either. It's not like a full conservatorship like Britney Spears was under, but probably they just control her finances and they may have power of attorney, something to that effect. I worked with people with Developmental Disabilities and MR for 7 years managing a home for a lady. Her parents are putting her at risk by not having better control over her care. While the people who visit OP may be harmless, there may be many others in the neighborhood that are not harmless and will take advantage of J's situation. There are day programs, personal one on one programs, and respite care providers, available for J. Cont below.
Load More Replies... Would I be right to guess that if she wasn't disabled and showed up uninvited and you asked her to leave this wouldn't be an issue right? Disability or not an uninvited guest is an uninvited guest. Also they need to go and have a stern conversation with the parents...they seem to have boundary issues and think it's ok to make their daughter their neighbors problem.
My son has cp and autism and honestly we would prefer people treat him like everyone else and not infantilize him.
Load More Replies... Nta because if she drank booze or someone got fresh with her or she injured herself or caused a scene it would be on you. Her parents need to teach her boundaries. Or you can go to the hoa if one an bring it up. It's not up to you to entertain her. And her destruction of pulling your grass up is not to be taken lightly. My sister in law has a sister w a mentally disabled son. Who at 13 was a big as a linebacker. He would tear out grass at peoples houses at parties. Sit on others laps. Shove half eaten food in peoples faces. Sat on me once and gory my back as a I didn't see him coming an he dropped as dead weight onto my lap. And at a child's bday party stopped naked and fondled himself. Yea the mom was overtaken with the stress an embarrassment because she couldn't leave him home alone and didn't want to miss social family events. Usually he was ok to deal with. He's in a home now because he was out bursting dangerously. But there is a limit guests can endure.
My son is 31, autistic and longs to hang out with people. But reality tells me he has a temper at times, especially when someone is teasing him or yelling at him. He is also on medication that can react badly with too much alcohol consumption. I would also never expect anyone else to be responsible for him unless they were trained to handle any outbursts as well as know his limitations. If this is a constant problem, consider enclosing your yard and providing maintenance with the key for access or suggesting that the caregivers enclose their yard to keep her contained. That way they don't have to keep an eye on her 24/7 while at the same time, avoiding irritating the neighbors.
I appreciate you weighing in as someone who is a caretaker.
Load More Replies... There is a line where being compassionate turns over into something you are just not trained to deal with. Some people need a little supervision, and that’s fine, but it doesn’t have to be you.
Parent of an intellectually disabled child here. She needs to be in a group home. People like her NEED to be watched CONSTANTLY. If her parents aren't capable then it's their duty as her parents to make that decision. It isn't a matter of opinion it is fact. Definitely NTA.
Next time, call the police. Not just for your liability but for the safety of the young woman. A disabled person deserves to be advocated for. And making a log and alerting the authorities might make her parents get off their lazy, neglectful butts and do what they re supposed to do: take care of their child. She needs to be enrolled in an adult program to socialize her, keep her from dangerous wandering, and potentially teach her some life skills (my dad's cousin is in a program like this). Letting her roam like a stray cat is horrifically irresponsible. She might even need to be placed in a special home. Sure the family receives some sort of disability and this is clearly not going towards her wellbeing and care. She seems to be in need of a constant chaperone. It is also alarming that she seems interested in the OP'd husband. Not only are they liable when she is on their property, wrongful accusations of assault could be levied on the neighbor should SHE act inappropriately.
There are a lot of assumptions in this statement. You assume the caretakers are lazy when, in fact, the may be exhausted. I had very little help with my son and have not had breaks away from him in years. It takes a toll on you physically and psychologically. You assume they are collecting disability on her behalf when they may be well off enough to pay for all of her needs. Some people suggested putting her in a group home, but there are limited group homes and long waiting lists. And those adult programs you refer to are few and far between as well. Besides that changing her routine isn't as simple as telling her "No." Change is very difficult for people on the spectrum.
Load More Replies... A few years ago my family was vacationing at a resort with a water park. We were in the lazy river, and as we came around the corner, I saw a teenage boy flipping all the kids off their rafts as they passed him, right in front of a "lifeguard". As we passed he went to tip my daughter over, and I firmly told him NO. I made sure my children and their friends passed with no issues, then I spoke with the lifeguard. The lifeguards were young kids, had no idea what to do. My issue is this boy was clearly disabled. Where were his parents? Why would you leave his supervision, which he so obviously needs, up to strangers. Strangers that are not equipped to handle his different abilities, and may be more concerned about THEIR child's safety and well-being, which they have every right to be.
You would be surprised how many of the learning disabled kids my son went to school with got dropped off at parks like that...no supervision. Parents figured because there were park managers/lifeguards and the facility was enclosed, there would be no problem.
Load More Replies... Yeah the title seemed to imply it was like a bbq where the neighbours were invited and J was kicked out. But like an uninvited guest? Nah, nta. J isn't the a*****e tho, that title belongs with her parents, guilting op for not wanting this uninvited guest
NTA. Aside from all of the obvious reasons, her parents need to be very concerned that she could put herself in a dangerous situation with a sexual predator!
NTA. OP has been reasonable already, and it's not their job or place to take responsibility for someone that they not only didn't invite to their property, but whom they may not be equipped to handle even if she had been invited. Either way, it sounds like J's parents are being lazy about teaching and/or enforcing boundaries with their daughter, but trying to make it OP's problem.
NTA. You were right to say you couldn't guarantee her safety if you and your friends were drinking. She was not a responsibility you had taken on. It's great that she wants to be friends, but boundaries help everyone in the long run.
NTA. Sounds like the parents wanted a free night when they didn't have to supervise their child. Of course they tried to palm her off on the OP. They need a strong reminder of their responsibilities.
It’s unfortunate that a person would want to be with people who don’t want them around. Somebody needs to explain that to the young lady instead of trying to change the minds of the people who don’t want her around.
Weighing in as the FT caregiver to my 87 year old grandmother and PT to my sister's two youngest children (8 & 5). My life is dedicated to taking care of other people's needs. OP did nothing wrong here and is NTA. It is J's parents who are doing a disgraceful disservice to their daughter by neglecting her needs that they're able to identify but seem disinterested in meeting. Every hour of my grandmother's day is structured around what she's able to do, keeping her focused, targeted activities, medical necessities, and above all SAFETY. She requires constant supervision to ensure that she isn't pushing past the safety limits I've put in place, which can change based on her mental state and is why I observe her so closely. I don't do this to restrict her, but to limit her risk of harm, as should J's parents. It is WORK and they don't seem to want to do it, which I understand. It's not a job that everyone can handle but that doesn't dismiss them of their responsibility to J. (Cont'd)
Without all the information as to J's disability, we can only go by what we have been told. J is mentally, intellectually, and emotionally a child. Let's say 10-12 years old. She lives in the body of a grown woman. The risk of harm to her is GREATLY heightened by this as she is a perfect target for predation, manipulation, and abuse. My sister spent the first 10 years of her medical career working in assisted living facilities for MR adults. These places exist for people just like J who have needs that their families are unable to provide. These facilities have skilled, trained, CERTIFIED staff who look after the residents and make sure everything I mentioned above (re: Grandma) is being prioritized. If J's parents are unable/unwilling to do this, and there are specialized programs for this exact reason, how on earth could anyone think it's remotely appropriate to ask the neighbors 4 units down to do this? It's not. Strong NTA.
Load More Replies... I didn't even think about hte legal repercussions but NTA. Just because someone is disable doeesn't mean they are allowed to crash private parties. I would build a fence and give maintenance the key.
We don't know if the OP owns or rents but the open backyard allows mowing-- probably on a riding mower. I don't think fencing in the yard is an option.
Load More Replies... NTA!! OP understood that if something bad had happened to J on her property (accident, assault, abduction, death), her parents would've sued OP and her husband for negligence! I understand that caring for an intellectually disabled young adult is exhausting, but J's parents should not expect the neighbors to watch over their daughter whenever THEY want! I have a friend whose daughter is similar to J in that she's also intellectually delayed. Since she was a child, her single mom kept her active in sports (swimming) and other programs. Yet she kept a close eye on her girl (she's actually about 30), so she's very careful about socialization. If there are programs for J to take part in that are in a safe environment and with people who are similar to J, the parents should look into them and get her into them to keep HER busy!
I came here expecting something tone deaf, but I’m actually leaning towards NTA. As someone WITH an intellectual disability (although not as severe, *obviously*), what I say is this: We legitimately cannot control some of the stuff we do, but that doesn’t mean you can just let us go wild. Either reel your child back in yourself, or hire someone who can.
1,000% not the a****** and her parents are horrible. My son is autistic. If this original poster was not a nice person there is so many horrible things that could have happened to J and her parents would have no idea. What if the people at the party were like here have some drinks got her drunk took advantage of her hurt her kidnapped her I can think of a million ways that this girl is in danger and her parents would have absolutely no idea what happened to her. Not everyone in this world is a nice person If you have a disabled child I don't care how old they are you are responsible for keeping them safe. Letting them wander wherever they want is putting them at a huge risk.
NTA. Now, hear me out, I have great empathy for J. She's bored and having hormonal feelings she doesn't understand. These are issues her parents should be addressing. One day J is going to wander somewhere she should not go and get hurt. If they were reasonable they would ask the OP if J could come over and remunerate them for watching her for a bit. The bottom line is it's not safe for J to wander into a party with alcohol and fire. Period. J's parents are failing her, not the OP.
NTA it's not your responsibility to entertain their daughter. If she was normal you wouldn't have felt bad at all if an uninvited guest showed up at your party. You would've asked her to leave just the same.
NTA. "What's the problem?" your neighbors ask. Here are three reasons why you are justified in not allowing J to loiter around your property: 1) It's not your responsibility to supervise J, it's her parents'. They are being quite negligent in that area, setting their daughter up for being abducted--or worse. 2) That is YOUR private property, not your neighbors'. You alone have the right to decide who comes and goes, and when. J is not being taught to respect boundaries, which is inexcusable. 3) The first time J is injured on your property, you can bet that her "concerned" parents will be on you faster than yellowjackets on fresh meat. They will sue you for sure, possibly pushing you into bankruptcy. The next time J wanders onto your property, politely ask her to leave. If she does not do so, call her parents and tell them that failure to properly supervise their own daughter can be seen as criminal.
NTA. As a parent of a child with an intellectual disability (and I suspect I have one, but unsure.) they are capable of learning and understanding boundaries. Social cues may be more challenging, but when told they need to respect someone's privacy and property they can totally comprehend. I'm not sure if this J person has a disability, as it's merely assumed. I'm not sure why it was mentioned if not confirmed. Seems like the OP really wanted to stretch out the story to be more controversial than it is. I'm getting the sense the OP pities J, or feels bad deep down, but boundaries have to be laid down, and that falls on the parents, too. J's parents are enabling their daughter to interfere, and perhaps encouraging this behaviour. They may even be just neglectful parents who didn't parent much, and purposefully stifled her growth. But that's just me also speculating. Still, it could be a plausible theory and explains her parent's disregard for the wishes of the neighbour.
The probable disability is relevant because that's why the OP feels guilty tossing her out. Normally tossing an uninvited guest wouldn't elicit the same guilt. The woman must be disabled even though we don't know her diagnosis. Her parents say she can "play" in the backyard safely and they say they can't watch her every second. Those are not normal things to say about someone in her 20s.
Load More Replies... NTA Here's one of my pet peeves. Back in the 1970's when mental patients were turned out to live in normal society, NO ONE received any kind of training to deal with them. Patients who required special handling were tossed out into the general population who dealt with them as they saw fit, right or wrong. Many of the patients didn't do well at all. Her parents shouldn't expect to be able to let her mix and mingle, unsupervised, without there being problems. She's their child. They know her behavior better than anyone and they shouldn't expect strangers to be responsible for her.
That is completely ignoring the very real abuse and mistreatment that happened at these facilities. You might want to read up on that...
Load More Replies... why are they focusing on the fact that she has a disability? it's irrelevant to the problem. she was a trespasser - treat her like one. obviously with kindness, but don't single her out for her disability. NTA but they should examine their potential ableism.
Some people, like the people at the very bottom of the comment section, think that kicking disabled out of an event or trying to get away from them is rude and ableist. So because of that, op wanted to know if they were in the wrong. I don't think they were "singling" her out because she had a disability but because if what her disability was. She's a grown woman that behaves like a child, that could make people uncomfortable and also feel obligated to watch over her. Nobady wanted that.
Load More Replies... Mom of a disabled person about to be an adult who needs a caregiver and hard NTA. It is my and/ or his caregiver's responsibility to find places for him to socialize. It is our responsibility to see to his safety. WTF is wrong with people.
The couple throwing the barbecue was certainly within their rights, but they were definitely unkind. I remember an article from years ago when a mentally disabled young woman was put on a plane BY HERSELF for her first airplane trip to visit a relative. She became so frightened that she asked the woman sitting next to her if she could hold her hand. The woman immediately summoned a stewardess, reported her and demanded she be given another seat. The young lady was made to leave the airplane. The airline later "apologised," sort of, but the harm was done. It's absolutely free to be kind. Doesn't cost a thing. People will never forget how you made them feel! I think there were other options here.
I'm really giving this one a lot of thought because it's a very sensitive topic so I'd like to hear what others are saying. What do you think was unkind about how OP handled the situation? I didn't feel any unkindness here and I completely agree with you that being kind costs nothing and we can always find a way to offer it (what a terrible story about the airplane!). What other options would you have rather seen OP try first?
Load More Replies... It's funny because no one (including OP) knows exactly what's the neighbor intellectual disability is but y'all assume s**t... Unless it's a severe disability, a 20something yo it's not a child. Just explain it to HER, not only to the parents. She might have a ID but she's not f*****g dumb.
Didn't op say her mindset was that of a child? She may physically br an adult, but she has the mind of a child.
Load More Replies... You could've told them "what the harm could've really been if you two were weirdos or had any friends who aren't as pleasant as you guys" sounds like she's bored but I agree she would benefit far more from a structured activity where she could make friends of her own that may relate better with her. You aren't a babysitter and she wasn't invited. It's not the 50s anymore. Not everyone is always welcome and you don't need to be friends with your neighbors. I'd feel guilty as well but you can't afford something happening to her and you being held responsible since you're future cognitively. Doesn't work that way. The parents are lucky they have nice safe neighbors in the first place. It's dangerous for someone who's defenseless to make friends with strangers...even if it's just doors away. What if she drank and was on medication that didn't allow that? Just because she's of adult age doesn't mean she can consent to any adult issues by herself or without parents guidance it sounds.
NTA. Her parents don't know you OR your friends. Neither does 'J'. So if a stranger grabs her hand at the edge of the property, and leads her away, rapes, or worse, murders her, you and your friends would be number one suspects. Her parents can't watch her, but they'll scream that YOU should have watched her and what happened would be your fault, especially in Civil Court. They would ruin you reputation AND your finances
OP was not wrong. Look into your HOA rule book. Then meet with the parents. Explain HOA rules. Give them a chance to review them. Look into available Adult Day Care facilities and give the list to them. Then proceed to explain you cannot be responsible for her as you are not an adult day care. Explain you cannot be responsible for her on your property incase of injuries. If you haven't contacted the HOA already, do so. Let them step in. By all means document all interaction with them and the results of your efforts. She is damaging your yard by picking at it, she came to an event she wasn't invited to, what if she had been injured. She hangs out by your back door. If your measures don't bring solutions get a mediator from the HOA. I would only call Police as a last resort, if nothing else works.
I’m horrified to hear of these negligent parents. Wandering without any companion or guardian, something very, very bad is going to happen to that girl. I have a sister with intellectual disabilities. She basically has the mind of a young child. She went everywhere and did everything with family, but she was always watched over and cared for. After our parents died, I and my other sister moved in together so we could look after her. OP is not wrong is making her leave, but for her own peace of mind, she needs to report this to the appropriate people. CPS? Police? AHRC? There has to be some social service org that is involved with her. Don’t wait until she doesn’t come home one day and her abused body is found dumped somewhere.
At first I was going to say YTA, but after reading the post I'm going soft NTA. She wasn't invited and was unsupervised, and she doesn't seem to be in any state to be unsupervised at a party, especially if there would be alcohol involved. While it's not her fault or OP's that she has a developmental issue, there's a line that has to be drawn to set boundaries. Invite her and the family to gatherings, but don't let her just wander in.
You are not in the wrong. You asked her parents to come bring her home and they refused. She is not your responsibility.
What I take issue with is the language on disabled people in this post. The author has worded this with an incredibly limited view on disabled people that comes off very ableist, "these people" as they put it, are still people and the author really needs to educate themselves on neurodiversity. Sounded like an ABA brochure with all the parent pity and lack of understanding. OP is Maybe TA, not because of not wanting J at the party, that is reasonable-but sounds like they could have communicated better and more kindly.
Several people said that if something were to happen to her, her parents would sue. How does that work? If I invite someone over and they get burn with the grill, can they sue me? Does it work only for kids?
In general if someone is injured on your property you can be sued. Even if you don't lose the suit, it will be a big hassle.
Load More Replies... I think you should make arrangements with some kind of religious cult and that your daughter has been misbehaving and you would like her whisked away for her own good and they should be ready within a month to come and kidnap her. And of coarse donate a little some thing. The brethren do that sort of stuff. Good luck.
Peter, whatchu talkin' 'bout? Have you been snacking on brownies?
Load More Replies... This sounds exactly like a previous story, except in the previous story the couple's daughter was friends with "J" and she brought "J" to the party, after spending most of the day at "J"'s house. Is this the same story leaving out that detail or is this just an unbelievably similar story?
Also you may want to look into the American Disability's Act. What are you allowed to do. Are you allowed to put up a movable foldable fence around your backyard? Then you could move it on lawn mowing day, just a thought.
-everday have a pretty good idea that their harmless and not a threat to no one!!. Another reason i feel the couple are in the wrong and kinda makes me think they just hate her especially the lady is cause how the heck is it she gives us an impression the girl is mentally disabled or challenged and has the mindset of a child but then states that she beleives she chooses to come to their lot cause she has a crush on her husband! Then softens the statement with she thinks where cool! Like how do put those two together child mindset crush on husband i know that does happen at times with children but why jump to the assumption at all is a bit dillusional if she feels the girl isnt all there in her head unless she felt insecure in regards to her in some sense cause even though girl does have the mentality of a child she is still a grown woman physically maybe but other than that i cant see how the thought would even occur. But what urked and triggered me about this article is how they-
She may be mentally a child, but she's physically an adult, and with all those urges. Trust me, men and women of mental disabilities can crush just as much as anyone can. She's probably saying or physically acting out in a way that makes them wonder. We had a ward in one of the houses I worked at, and she would try to pinch the butt of any cute guy, and get inappropriate with them. The company made it a female workers only home to keep everyone safe from lawsuits after she tried to sexually assault one of my male coworkers. Thank goodness we work in pairs.
Load More Replies... And being that she is underage and at a party with adults drinking if she wants a drink or to partake just tell her as the host you'll make her a drink and leave out the alcohol 🍸 if she really has the mind of a child like this couple mentioned then she won't know the difference. If the guests are seriously so idiotic to feel uncomfortable and don't catch on in conversation and the girls behavior. Why doesn't the host being the couple send everyone a text to better explain situation privately without embarrassing the girl like they did by having her parents come get her causing a scene. I've been to parties of families even friends that always included plus ones and the guests brought anyone even adults with these types of disabilities or sometimes the neighbors with disabilities adult or children wandered in yet everyone knew to be HUMAN! go with the flow to be nice welcoming especially because you know them they aren't perfect strangers that wandered in off the street you see them-
-always in mind especially if they know it's mental that they have to be careful how they word talk around them in a way they somewhat comprehend. and look out for them in any way and defend them cause you know better when they are being torn down bullied or harassed I would take it that most ppl without a condition this would just be common sense a simple principle of decency a moral obligation if you can help someone and are in a position to or make someone feel good why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you defend someone who doesn't know how to defend themselves. It's sad and it's ridiculous that this couple or anyone of their friends would feel uncomfortable cause the girl was there just standing there as if she is alien or they've never encountered anyone like her before why not be nice make small talk or just ignore her no need to take her presence personally in any offensive way when she wasn't doing anything to offend anyone. Just make sure no one offers her a drink and if she wants-
No one is suggesting that the couple treat this young lady rudely. Intellectually/Cognitively Impaired, "J" is not their responsibility as they are not her caregivers. They've tried nicely explaining to her parents about previous incidents of J being in their yard, behaving inappropriately, to no avail. J is physically an adult; with the mind of someone much, much, younger. Sure she could have a crush on the OP's husband. She doesn't understand boundaries on so many levels. If the OP thought it was "cool", why are we reading an article by her? There are way too many ways these unsolicited visits could go sideways. Now you want the OP to write a textertation to the invited guest explaining J's limitations and how to respond to her?
Load More Replies... I don't understand why the most empathetic comments are getting downvoted... yes, a lot of them have hot takes like implying that the couple should've just sucked it up and let her stay, but at the end of the day, I feel like we're all forgetting that she's also a living breathing human being. she has feelings. she isn't a dog. she can't just be chained up to a kennel so she doesn't bother the neighbors. to me, she seems very lonely, being unable to interact with anyone other than her parents and I really emphasize with her. there was no perfect way to go about this without hurting her or just suck it up and "babysit" (which by the way is a bit rude to say about an adult with autism) I wish this young lady the best and I feel sorry for the couple that had to cope with her loneliness
How do we know she has autism? There are a broad array of mental disabilities. I thought she said she has no idea what's up with the girl, just that she seems slow and at the mentality of some one younger.
Load More Replies... Yta. All you had to do was socialize, sure shes on YOUR property, but so what? Your excluding her cuz shes a bit weird and 'picking at grass', im hearing that your paranoid that she has a crush on your husband so you turned into a catty b*tch making that poor girl cry for NO REASON other than some imagined crush and a few 'bald patches' of grass
They don't want to babysit a grown woman with a mindset of a child. She's at a party with adults where there is most likely alcohol. She doesn't belong there.
Load More Replies... This is why people with disabilities kill themselves because of shitty people.
Perfectly within theeir rights to ask her to leave, but anyone else getting the feeling that society is getting less tolerant and just meaner?
No. Society still has a lot to work on in terms of tolerance and acceptance, but I'm sure it wasn't any easier for people with disabilities in the past. OP did nothing wrong and wasn't mean or insulting to J. She just didn't want to take responsibility for her if something goes wrong.
Load More Replies... Esh, if she wasn't doing any harm, why not be nice? There seem to be a lot of paranoid people on this thread. She's lonely, you can help with that.
It's not that J wasn't doing any harm. It's that as a child in the body of a grown woman, J is a perfect target for harm to come TO HER. This is why those with special needs require supervision, support, structure, boundaries, and socialization in a safe environment. The BBQ of the neighbors who live 4 units away, attended by total strangers who are consuming alcohol, and to which J was not an invited guest is not a safe environment.
Load More Replies... Both. Had to put in parentheses you were nice "promise". BS. Sad a Developmentally Delayed person makes you and your friends uncomfortable. Puts a kink in your vibe. These are your neighbors and you can actually model good behavior for her. Hand her a coke and hotdog. People are horrible these days. You are definitely an AH. Mainly a shitty human being. These AITA are killing me. We are like NTA to people, then tear apart the people they are talking smack about.
Or J could just leave. Just because she's disabled doesn't mean she HAS to be at the party. Let adults be comfortable.
Load More Replies... She's NTA, her property and all that, but I would have played it slightly differently. I would have let J stay at the party (since she "wasn't doing any harm") and then talk to her parents and big up the drinking/adult aspect. I think that way J would have been saved the humiliation of being thrown out of a party and as much as I respect the OP's right to act the way she did, I think there was a better way of dealing with the situation.
She had already spoken to the parents to absolutely no avail
Load More Replies... Guess there's no such thing as trespassing laws and private property. We all can just wander around and come over to squat at your place? Compassion and treating people with dignity and respect doesn't extent to just allow allowing people to do whatever they like, whenever they like; especially when it puts them in possible danger. You wouldn't allow a 13 year old girl to attend a new neighbors' party with stangers that are drinking alcohol by herself. Or maybe you would; that would be child neglect by the way.
Load More Replies... Except she is underage, uninvited, and has been told several times she isnt to be there. And someone uninvited just standing around not saying anything when uninvited is uncomfortable regardless of who it is. My son is 17 and delayed. I would expect people to be polite ("fake nice") to him when asking him to do something. And i would expect him to respect their wishes and stay off their property if asked.
Load More Replies... How wonderful it must be to simply jump inside people's heads and know their true intentions and character and come back and pompously pronounce judgement on them, all the while accusing them of virtue signalling when the only actually horrible soul doing that is yourself
Load More Replies... If they don't want J there, then they don't want J there. Period.
Load More Replies... I FIND YOUR USE OF CAPITALS STRANGELY UNCONVINCING
Load More Replies... If you can't bear being disagreed with - and obviously you can't, to the point of smearing others with only the inventions of your own mind as back up - then this is not the place for you.
Load More Replies... It sounds very much like it's way more of a problem than her just being "messy" and not understanding social cues but OP doesn't want to go into that to avoid insulting her or something. I have autism and can be messy and don't understand social cues well but even I wouldn't do the things J did.
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