Breadwinner Wife Is Accused Of Being Materialistic After She Tells Her Husband She’d Like A Small, Symbolic Christmas Gift
Interview
It’s no secret that too many of us tend to put presents before Christmas. It’s not that what we all care about is money; on the contrary, it’s one of the ways in our consumerist society to show love. Being conditioned about buying things for our loved ones by adverts on TV and media from as early as October, it’s no surprise that our minds are set for some pretty big expectations in what we want to get and to give for Christmas.
But this story posted on r/AskReddit is the opposite of that. It comes from a woman who told her husband she’d like a little Christmas gift. And before we all jump and say, this is not how you do it, the author added: “I did want a gift from my husband, mainly for the symbolism, like the thought of getting a Christmas gift.”
The woman also said that her husband “doesn’t have much money because he’s very reluctant to work and skips going to his part-time job most of the time, so I told him it could be something small, like a little stuffed animal or a keychain or even a Christmas card.”
As small as they may be, the author’s wishes didn’t sit well with her husband and she’s now asking for some advice from people online.
One woman has recently shared how she told her husband she’d like a symbolic Christmas gift only to be called materialistic
Image credits: tommaso79 (not the actual photo)
Image credits: czechvegan
Bored Panda reached out to the author of this story who asked for advice on the r/AskReddit community. The woman told us she received so many comments that she couldn’t read them all. “It was helpful because it made me see things objectively instead of feeling guilty, which I often do in my marriage,” she said.
Speaking of the whole situation, the author commented: “I now know that my husband is being unfair, but I’m unsure if I’m mentally ready to face the truth right now, so for now, I’m going to just try to accept things as they are for the sake of peace.”
For anyone who’d ever find themselves in a similar position, the woman said she’d tell them “they are NOT materialistic and want a symbol of care. I would tell them to take gentle care of themself.”
“There are way more issues here than asking for Christmas presents,” the divorce coach says
We also reached out to Susan Petang, a certified life and divorce coach from “The Quiet Zone Coaching,” who teaches women how to stop feeling overwhelmed and start waking up happy in the morning again.
“There are way more issues here than asking for Christmas presents,” Susan said and continued: “Why is this woman working and paying all the bills because her husband just doesn’t like to work? What DOES he do? It sounds like what she wants is a little validation for doing all of this stuff, not simply a present. (BTW, if asking for a little token of love and appreciation is ‘materialistic,’ then why is HE asking for things?)”
Working as a team in marriage is crucial, and it’s not about sharing only the good things
The life coach explained that the woman in the story is not feeling loved and appreciated. “There’s not only a responsibility issue, but a partnership and love issue here, too. When folks get married, they become a team. They work together to navigate life and share not only fun and love, but responsibilities, too. This guy is doing none of the above.”
Susan continued: “Now the question becomes, ‘Why is she allowing this?’ And, ‘Why is he doing this?’ It’s time for her to set some boundaries and limits, insist on marriage counseling, or show him the door,” she said and added that “maybe she can return his gifts and buy something for herself, instead, for being a responsible grown-up.”
Many people said the author was NTA and she had to run away from her husband for behaving like this
After receiving so many comments and advice the post author added an update:
Image credits: czechvegan
And he knows it, and has exploited her difficulties to the max.
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If any of the pandas reading are in a similar situation, ask your psychiatric providers (or doctor or other health professional or supportive friend/family member) to help you find some group therapy (peer or professionally led). You may benefit from supportive others. No one should have to do this alone!
Great advice. People really underestimate the power of group therapy these days. When I was in rehab it was my saving grace. It was the one thing that helped me the most. Going to my group meeting every 2 weeks is my saving grace. Hearing other people going thru the same s**t and others who have gone through it before who can help with experience is a beautiful thing. And the best part, there's tons of free or nearly free therapy groups all around the world. So if your strapped on cash, you don't need to worry. Just do a little research in your area and you're bound to find a group that fits.
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Divorce immediately. Also, NTA. So a guy... who bought HIMSELF a video game (which could cost as much as $50)... accuses his wife of being materialistic because he would have to get SOMEONE ELSE a cheap gift? Okay, got it.
I think she really just needs support to feel okay to leave him. It's not always easy. She has to get a lawyer's advice at least, because depending on where she lives there's a separation period and even that has rules.
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It has to be fictional story. It sounds like she's brainwashed by her husband's bs.
I know a christmas gift you won't like at first but really you'll love it by the end of the separation. Get a lawyer, get separated. Life's too short. Move on.
I know it sounds awful and callous but i found out as my marriage was ending that pushing aside the emotional part and just keep moving forward really was the only way to deal. That Christmas was difficult (I decided to work at the ice rink all day Christmas day) but it was just one Christmas. I got over it.
Load More Replies... Damn. OP is in a shitty position. OP seems like a very sweet, genuine, loving and compassionate person who deserves to be with someone who gives them what they give to others. This breaks my heart. But OP definitely needs to talk to a professional to help them through this and give them support while they take their life back. Life's too short to spend it with people who don't appreciate us. If getting a $5 stuffed animal or a $2 keychain is "too expensive" for someone who just dropped atleast $40-$60 on a video game for themself then that person isn't broke. They're selfish and they don't care about you. I mean... "he did buy me a card for my bday when I asked him to!" Like.. wtf? Wow... did he even sign his name? He could have made her a card out of computer paper for free! This dude deserves a swift kick to the face and micro penis! I hope OP finds someone who appreciates them. If you're someone who is with someone who doesn't appreciate you, LEAVE! Go find your person who does!
I can understand how she felt. My husband once accused me of being materialistic when he didn’t bother with my birthday. I put a lot of time and effort into family birthdays/ Christmas etc and felt upset that no one bothered for my day.
That's cruel. You wanted to be acknowledged and wanted to see some effort put into your birthday. Breakfast in bed, a cake, extra cuddles. I get this Hannah.
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Cut your loses. It's hard for a person to change their behavior ... It's impossible for you to change someone else's behavior. Either accept his poor, insensitive, thoughtless behavior or move on. You can't have both and be happy.
exactly. I honestly think she could do A LOT better.
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I got your gift my sister. I gift to you the permission to treat yourself better by dumping that poor excuse for a man since you cannot seem to do it on your own. Don't even look back, dump him and keep going.
He is manipulating you by saying you're materialistic. He's missing the point entirely. Not wanting to give you a even something small like a christmas card or a keychain or a stuffed animal to make you happy while contributing nothing to the household and being lazy is outright insulting (and dumb). You definitely deserve better than that gaslighting lazy ass.
this is so sad i never feel sad at reddit posts mostly i just laugh or get angry but this one made me legitimately upset.
Return ALL of the gifts you got him, and when he pouts about not getting anything, just tell him is too materialistic
I do hope this woman gets the support she needs to feel secure and confident enough to leave and start afresh. Bless her. As for that dreadful man, I can't stop thinking that he must have parents. What do they think of how their son turned out?
He could have made her something if he was so broke that he couldn't buy her something small
But that's WORK, and sacrificing his precious goof-off/ game playing loser time.
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It’s not the $ or the gift that is lacking, it’s any thought or consideration for your partner. If he doesn’t care, why should you ?
OMG. Her updates where horrible! That poor woman! WTF? I wish she had someone to talk to and help her IRL. That is so sad and depressing.
Oh wow... the first half I was thinking "what in the hell is wrong with these women being married to these douche bags?" (this is the second or third post kinda like this) then I read the rest about suppressing her feelings until later. I hope someone that knows her reads this because this is a HUGE red flag, she's going to end up killing herself. He legit told her he only married her for money. What more do you want???? I bet she paid for the wedding too. I just can't. I would give anything to punch this idiot "husband" in the face.
This poor woman- The fact that she will tolerate this ongoing abuse - yes- ABUSE - speaks volumes for her mental health. She needs in person help. She needs friends or family to step in and get her out of this torture.
I'm sorry but.... She's worried she'll go into a dark place if she leaves the guy that tells her he stays with her for her money and never gives her anything? What dark place?!! You'll have so much more income, you can give yourself time and then meet somebody new. Or stay alone, being single is amazing.
Oh dear girl, PLEASE make a plan to extricate yourself from this relationship! He will NOT change, not ever get better, you can bank on that. You are married to a child, and you deserve an adult who brings as much to the table as you do. My first three major relationships were exactly like this. They weren't marriages, but live-in boyfriends who wouldn't work for a living. I was exactly where you are now, but in time I found a man who lives like an adult and treats me like a princess. Please either return those gifts, or if you can't, give them to charity. Your husband doesn't deserve your charity.
Make sure he has no way to take half your income/assets when you divorce his lazy donkey.
The husband is a freeloader scumbag and she should divorce him. In addition, he's a hypocrite - he told her that Christmas should be about time with family, YET he had the nerve to ask for several gifts for himself. This woman is in serious need of therapy, it seems she have VERY low self esteem.
PLEASE leave this sorry excuse of a human being. Emotional abuse has devastating consequences. You deserve to find happiness, and I certainly hope you find it. Take care of yourself first, although you make think it is selfish. It isn't. Hopefully you will find the support you deserve.
Seeing what this devolved into there are way more issues, but I'm curious about the initial question because my father has always been the same way. He doesn't celebrate anything and finds all gift giving a waste of money. My parents are relatively well off and he's the cheapest person I know. My mother -who worked full time her whole life on her feet just as he did- has to ask to take money out. But he can use it whenever he wants. It's just a different generation where the man was in charge of the money. More though, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I'm aware holidays are a scam and materialistic, but I still want that celebration. He doesn't even celebrate achievement. Lets go to dinner or I was going to take them to a casino for a fun night. Nope. He's never bought a present for my mom. i'd be really sad if my guy was like this. I don't want expensive things but just an acknowledgement and celebration. but maybe dad's right. I don't know. It's the scrooge thing ya know?
2 d year in a row my bf didn't get me anything for my bday. Like most relationships in the first 6 months he was very thoughtful and involved then he got lazy. It didn't bother me that he didn't get a present it bothers me that that year it was important to me and doesn't write it down or something. He asks me what I want but he can't afford any of it, so I tell him he should think of something himself. I pick things up all year round that I think he would like. He always wanted to move in together but I have seen enough signs that we would not ve happy. He is financially precarious, even more than me, moving in would be an advantage for him primarily.
Wtf, he said he doesn't love her, he's only there for her money and if she doesn't like it HE will leave. Bye pal, get out. Don't wait just tell him to get out
I felt this one. 🙁 All I can say is - I never once regretted getting away!
Old geezer alert. Dump his a**e. Love is great and all. But you can't live on that alone. Hell he could even be a great person. But if you're okay dragging dead-weight for the rest of your life and possibly resenting him for it, go for it.
"reluctant to work and skips his part time job"? Lady you are a doormat. Please get out of this toxic relationship, now!
If she's already in therapy why hasn't her therapist(s) told her she's not in a healthy relationship and being used.
Then tell him just to leave, you're terrified of being alone, not of him not loving you. Death won't show up at the end and give you a coupon for the time you wasted with this idiot. Your time is the most precious resource you have, he is providing nothing for you except easing your loneliness, but this situation is not worth it, it's likely making your mental state worse. Either kick him out or leave the residence yourself and go live your life as best you can. You need more support than online strangers can provide, I really hope you find it.
Anyone on here get past the second or third paragraph without thinking, "What a bum."?
The first time I met my FIL, I had an open mind because I was told by several people that he'd been abusive to my MIL during their marriage. He was married to another woman when I met him. She was working two jobs to pay the bills while he sat at home mainly because he couldn't get work because he had a reputation as being unreliable. When he and his wife were leaving, he turns to me and says "Maybe you can come over on Sunday for dinner, my wife can cook a roast or something." She looked like she was going to punch him. I just said "we'll bring dinner." They divorced a year later. Ditch the free-loader..he's not worth it and you will have a whole slew of survivors of lazy ex's to support you. You are amazing...he's TA.
I don't understand. If you're married, the couple's money is the couple's money. However it comes in, it is split evenly. How you handle that depends on the marriage, but let's assume that they pool the money and pay all bills from it, put some in savings, and let's say each person then gets X amount each month for whatever they want to spend on. He would have as much money to spend on gifts as her. He spent all of it on one video game? Or spent it on other things? The wife makes it sounds like he's on a pittance of an allowance and she has a lot more spending money. That sounds like roommates to me.
I just got my husband back through the help of solution temple priest Adu. since priest Adu helped me, my husband is very stable, faithful and closer to me than ever before all the affection and love that has been restored back with his powerful reunion love spell. You can also contact this spell caster and fix up your marriage. His web address https://solution-temple.webnode.com You can connect him on facebook priest Adu.
What the hell are you talking about? What does race have to do with anything? Keep your racist s**t to yourself you stupid shithead. White men can be just as bad.
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You know, gaslighting is a thing? It is possible to manipulate someone into complying with your bullshit.
Load More Replies...
And he knows it, and has exploited her difficulties to the max.
Load More Replies... If any of the pandas reading are in a similar situation, ask your psychiatric providers (or doctor or other health professional or supportive friend/family member) to help you find some group therapy (peer or professionally led). You may benefit from supportive others. No one should have to do this alone!
Great advice. People really underestimate the power of group therapy these days. When I was in rehab it was my saving grace. It was the one thing that helped me the most. Going to my group meeting every 2 weeks is my saving grace. Hearing other people going thru the same s**t and others who have gone through it before who can help with experience is a beautiful thing. And the best part, there's tons of free or nearly free therapy groups all around the world. So if your strapped on cash, you don't need to worry. Just do a little research in your area and you're bound to find a group that fits.
Load More Replies... Divorce immediately. Also, NTA. So a guy... who bought HIMSELF a video game (which could cost as much as $50)... accuses his wife of being materialistic because he would have to get SOMEONE ELSE a cheap gift? Okay, got it.
I think she really just needs support to feel okay to leave him. It's not always easy. She has to get a lawyer's advice at least, because depending on where she lives there's a separation period and even that has rules.
Load More Replies... It has to be fictional story. It sounds like she's brainwashed by her husband's bs.
I know a christmas gift you won't like at first but really you'll love it by the end of the separation. Get a lawyer, get separated. Life's too short. Move on.
I know it sounds awful and callous but i found out as my marriage was ending that pushing aside the emotional part and just keep moving forward really was the only way to deal. That Christmas was difficult (I decided to work at the ice rink all day Christmas day) but it was just one Christmas. I got over it.
Load More Replies... Damn. OP is in a shitty position. OP seems like a very sweet, genuine, loving and compassionate person who deserves to be with someone who gives them what they give to others. This breaks my heart. But OP definitely needs to talk to a professional to help them through this and give them support while they take their life back. Life's too short to spend it with people who don't appreciate us. If getting a $5 stuffed animal or a $2 keychain is "too expensive" for someone who just dropped atleast $40-$60 on a video game for themself then that person isn't broke. They're selfish and they don't care about you. I mean... "he did buy me a card for my bday when I asked him to!" Like.. wtf? Wow... did he even sign his name? He could have made her a card out of computer paper for free! This dude deserves a swift kick to the face and micro penis! I hope OP finds someone who appreciates them. If you're someone who is with someone who doesn't appreciate you, LEAVE! Go find your person who does!
I can understand how she felt. My husband once accused me of being materialistic when he didn’t bother with my birthday. I put a lot of time and effort into family birthdays/ Christmas etc and felt upset that no one bothered for my day.
That's cruel. You wanted to be acknowledged and wanted to see some effort put into your birthday. Breakfast in bed, a cake, extra cuddles. I get this Hannah.
Load More Replies... Cut your loses. It's hard for a person to change their behavior ... It's impossible for you to change someone else's behavior. Either accept his poor, insensitive, thoughtless behavior or move on. You can't have both and be happy.
exactly. I honestly think she could do A LOT better.
Load More Replies... I got your gift my sister. I gift to you the permission to treat yourself better by dumping that poor excuse for a man since you cannot seem to do it on your own. Don't even look back, dump him and keep going.
He is manipulating you by saying you're materialistic. He's missing the point entirely. Not wanting to give you a even something small like a christmas card or a keychain or a stuffed animal to make you happy while contributing nothing to the household and being lazy is outright insulting (and dumb). You definitely deserve better than that gaslighting lazy ass.
this is so sad i never feel sad at reddit posts mostly i just laugh or get angry but this one made me legitimately upset.
Return ALL of the gifts you got him, and when he pouts about not getting anything, just tell him is too materialistic
I do hope this woman gets the support she needs to feel secure and confident enough to leave and start afresh. Bless her. As for that dreadful man, I can't stop thinking that he must have parents. What do they think of how their son turned out?
He could have made her something if he was so broke that he couldn't buy her something small
But that's WORK, and sacrificing his precious goof-off/ game playing loser time.
Load More Replies... It’s not the $ or the gift that is lacking, it’s any thought or consideration for your partner. If he doesn’t care, why should you ?
OMG. Her updates where horrible! That poor woman! WTF? I wish she had someone to talk to and help her IRL. That is so sad and depressing.
Oh wow... the first half I was thinking "what in the hell is wrong with these women being married to these douche bags?" (this is the second or third post kinda like this) then I read the rest about suppressing her feelings until later. I hope someone that knows her reads this because this is a HUGE red flag, she's going to end up killing herself. He legit told her he only married her for money. What more do you want???? I bet she paid for the wedding too. I just can't. I would give anything to punch this idiot "husband" in the face.
This poor woman- The fact that she will tolerate this ongoing abuse - yes- ABUSE - speaks volumes for her mental health. She needs in person help. She needs friends or family to step in and get her out of this torture.
I'm sorry but.... She's worried she'll go into a dark place if she leaves the guy that tells her he stays with her for her money and never gives her anything? What dark place?!! You'll have so much more income, you can give yourself time and then meet somebody new. Or stay alone, being single is amazing.
Oh dear girl, PLEASE make a plan to extricate yourself from this relationship! He will NOT change, not ever get better, you can bank on that. You are married to a child, and you deserve an adult who brings as much to the table as you do. My first three major relationships were exactly like this. They weren't marriages, but live-in boyfriends who wouldn't work for a living. I was exactly where you are now, but in time I found a man who lives like an adult and treats me like a princess. Please either return those gifts, or if you can't, give them to charity. Your husband doesn't deserve your charity.
Make sure he has no way to take half your income/assets when you divorce his lazy donkey.
The husband is a freeloader scumbag and she should divorce him. In addition, he's a hypocrite - he told her that Christmas should be about time with family, YET he had the nerve to ask for several gifts for himself. This woman is in serious need of therapy, it seems she have VERY low self esteem.
PLEASE leave this sorry excuse of a human being. Emotional abuse has devastating consequences. You deserve to find happiness, and I certainly hope you find it. Take care of yourself first, although you make think it is selfish. It isn't. Hopefully you will find the support you deserve.
Seeing what this devolved into there are way more issues, but I'm curious about the initial question because my father has always been the same way. He doesn't celebrate anything and finds all gift giving a waste of money. My parents are relatively well off and he's the cheapest person I know. My mother -who worked full time her whole life on her feet just as he did- has to ask to take money out. But he can use it whenever he wants. It's just a different generation where the man was in charge of the money. More though, I'm not sure how to feel about this. I'm aware holidays are a scam and materialistic, but I still want that celebration. He doesn't even celebrate achievement. Lets go to dinner or I was going to take them to a casino for a fun night. Nope. He's never bought a present for my mom. i'd be really sad if my guy was like this. I don't want expensive things but just an acknowledgement and celebration. but maybe dad's right. I don't know. It's the scrooge thing ya know?
2 d year in a row my bf didn't get me anything for my bday. Like most relationships in the first 6 months he was very thoughtful and involved then he got lazy. It didn't bother me that he didn't get a present it bothers me that that year it was important to me and doesn't write it down or something. He asks me what I want but he can't afford any of it, so I tell him he should think of something himself. I pick things up all year round that I think he would like. He always wanted to move in together but I have seen enough signs that we would not ve happy. He is financially precarious, even more than me, moving in would be an advantage for him primarily.
Wtf, he said he doesn't love her, he's only there for her money and if she doesn't like it HE will leave. Bye pal, get out. Don't wait just tell him to get out
I felt this one. 🙁 All I can say is - I never once regretted getting away!
Old geezer alert. Dump his a**e. Love is great and all. But you can't live on that alone. Hell he could even be a great person. But if you're okay dragging dead-weight for the rest of your life and possibly resenting him for it, go for it.
"reluctant to work and skips his part time job"? Lady you are a doormat. Please get out of this toxic relationship, now!
If she's already in therapy why hasn't her therapist(s) told her she's not in a healthy relationship and being used.
Then tell him just to leave, you're terrified of being alone, not of him not loving you. Death won't show up at the end and give you a coupon for the time you wasted with this idiot. Your time is the most precious resource you have, he is providing nothing for you except easing your loneliness, but this situation is not worth it, it's likely making your mental state worse. Either kick him out or leave the residence yourself and go live your life as best you can. You need more support than online strangers can provide, I really hope you find it.
Anyone on here get past the second or third paragraph without thinking, "What a bum."?
The first time I met my FIL, I had an open mind because I was told by several people that he'd been abusive to my MIL during their marriage. He was married to another woman when I met him. She was working two jobs to pay the bills while he sat at home mainly because he couldn't get work because he had a reputation as being unreliable. When he and his wife were leaving, he turns to me and says "Maybe you can come over on Sunday for dinner, my wife can cook a roast or something." She looked like she was going to punch him. I just said "we'll bring dinner." They divorced a year later. Ditch the free-loader..he's not worth it and you will have a whole slew of survivors of lazy ex's to support you. You are amazing...he's TA.
I don't understand. If you're married, the couple's money is the couple's money. However it comes in, it is split evenly. How you handle that depends on the marriage, but let's assume that they pool the money and pay all bills from it, put some in savings, and let's say each person then gets X amount each month for whatever they want to spend on. He would have as much money to spend on gifts as her. He spent all of it on one video game? Or spent it on other things? The wife makes it sounds like he's on a pittance of an allowance and she has a lot more spending money. That sounds like roommates to me.
I just got my husband back through the help of solution temple priest Adu. since priest Adu helped me, my husband is very stable, faithful and closer to me than ever before all the affection and love that has been restored back with his powerful reunion love spell. You can also contact this spell caster and fix up your marriage. His web address https://solution-temple.webnode.com You can connect him on facebook priest Adu.
What the hell are you talking about? What does race have to do with anything? Keep your racist s**t to yourself you stupid shithead. White men can be just as bad.
Load More Replies... You know, gaslighting is a thing? It is possible to manipulate someone into complying with your bullshit.
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