Man Refuses To Pay His Stepdaughter For The Cake She Baked For His Birthday, Family Drama Ensues
Family is important to us at every stage of life. Life is much easier when you have loving people supporting you through thick and thin.
So when Reddit user F54tughi556 wanted to pay her daughter for a cake she baked, the woman thought she was encouraging the teen’s passion.
But her husband (the man who was celebrating his birthday for which the cake was made), thought the compensation would be teaching the girl that all relationships are transactional. And that’s not something he believes. So he refused to do so.
After hearing her husband’s negative response, the woman sold the present she got for him and gave the money to her daughter. The couple got into a huge fight, and it made the woman reconsider her actions. Eventually, she made a post on the ‘Am I the [Jerk]’ subreddit, asking if she was in the wrong.
This man was about to celebrate his 45th birthday, but his wife wanted him to pay for the cake his stepdaughter had baked him
Image credits: Xiang Gao (not the actual photo)
After he refused, the woman sold the gift she had bought for him and gave the money to her daughter
Image credits: Philip Lindvall (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: F54tughi556
Experts believe that while you should not feel that you have to “pay” for every good thing your teen does, reinforcement of good behavior will help ensure that it continues. It shows that you notice when your teen is being good and not just when they do something wrong.
Possible teen rewards include:
- A hug. This simple gesture can mean more than we normally think;
- A subscription. Maybe they have a favorite magazine that will reduce their screen time or there is a streaming service they have wanted to start using;
- Car privileges. Even an extra hour or two of car privileges will allow them to stay at the mall or coffee shop a little longer with their friends;
- Concert tickets. If your teen is dying to see their favorite band that is coming to town, you can reward them with a pair of tickets and let them invite a friend to attend the show with them;
- Extended curfew. Similar to prolonged car privileges, an additional hour on their weekend curfew can help establish trust;
- Redesigned bedroom. A teenager’s bedroom is their place in the house and it is always nice to move furniture around or add a fresh feel to the decor as they grow up.
But of course, there’s a difference between being rewarded for your good behavior and expecting your parents to virtually employ you.
After her story went viral, the original poster (OP) explained that her daughter gets her allowance from her, and that the teen did actually expect to get paid for the cake
Among the hottest of parenting debates is whether or not you should pay your kids to do chores, with plenty of reasonable and valid arguments on both sides.
At the end of the day, it’s “a deeply personal decision, and every family should do what fits their unique financial situation,” says Ksenia Yudina, CFA, founder and CEO of UNest, a service that helps families save for college. “But it can be a great way to start teaching your kids about the value of money and instill healthy financial habits from an early age.”
In fact, studies have shown that children begin to grasp the concept of money by age three and that many of their money habits are set by age seven. So parents do need to start teaching their kids about these things as soon as possible in one way or the other. By the time they’re sixteen, it can be incredibly hard to change their ways.
People almost unanimously said that the woman was in the wrong
With a few thinking that “everyone sucks here”
I have a feeling that this is a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. It doesn't make sense on its own why this should be a big deal. And the daughter didn't ask to be paid, anyway. I wonder if it might have to do with the dynamics of being a blended family. That maybe she feels that he does not treat *her* daughter fairly. This argument seems like a proxy for something else that we don't know about. Frankly I suspect what is needed is marital counseling to get the root of the problem.
If my partner tried to retrospectively charge me for my birthday cake and then sold the gift they gave me, I would be thinking that they perhaps shouldn't be a partner, and I'd save the counselling money.
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Oh man! All the money I could have made over the years... It just never occurred to me to charge my brothers, Mom, Dad, friends, friends' kids etc for the cakes I've baked them. Dann, I could've made a killing 😅😅😅 But in all seriousness, unless you own a bakery and bake a cake for a costumer (which wasn't the case here), a cake is a gift 🍰
I knowwww. I bake for our friends/relatives, my mum decorates, we coulda been rich. We're a large family
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This is a major a*****e move on OP's part. How is she so incredibly oblivious to the handling of this situation being so damned petty??? OP is the a*****e BIG TIME.
That's so wrong. The daughter expect her family and friends to pay for the cakes. Does she pay for the food when she goes to eat at their place ? What would she think if they presented her with a bill for the diner ?
Yes and this my money your money talk from the mom. Money money money. I got like that too. I had to take care of my kids and new partner only paid half the rent and kept the rest for himself. First he also lived from my income, but I got enough of him not wanting to work and I'm not a millionair. He'd get mad if I bought em a balloon. I have to eat normal! Then work normal. So then I kept my money for my kids, but then you're just room mates. Break up already. He didn't even buy em a toy from his money. Once he bought em a 10 euro toy from my money lol and once he took my son to the toy store to buy himself a toy and he gave him nothing. LOL but he was too young to understand it was weird and was just happy he took him on a walk. So only if this guy is like that, I understand her a bit, but I doubt it.
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Thought experiment: It's your birthday, your husband takes you out to dinner at a restaurant you suggest. You go out, have a lovely dinner, and he gives you a beautiful bracelet. But at the end of the evening, he suggests you pay for dinner. You brush it off as a joke - why would you be expected to pay for dinner, when he took you out for your birthday? He pays, but when you get home he asks you to pay him back - he feels that the bracelet was his gift to you, and that dinner at that restaurant was your idea, and you should pay. You refuse, and you fight about it, not because of the amount of money, but because it's rude and hurtful for him to demand repayment for your birthday dinner. He takes your new bracelet out of your jewellery box, and returns it, and says it's to pay for dinner. You feel disrespected and hurt, and you're upset that he's making this about money, when he ruined your birthday. You vent about his behaviour to some of your family and friends. Who's an a*****e?
This is perfect! I wish the mother could read this.
Load More Replies... yeah you are a POS and you are a horrible wife while we are at it if you wanted her to be paid for it then you should have done so as a wife but no you are a shitty person. As far as your daughter paying for the stuff for the cake is just a flat out lie because who doesn't have eggs, milk, sugar and butter in their home right now the only purchase i can believe is the flour and frosting so stfu about her spending her own money and the fact that you kept the rest of the money for yourself says a lot instead of just giving it all to her.
Why is the husband still with this crazy a*****e. That's the kinda crazy you divorce immediately, there's no talking through that. Something is DEEPLY rooted rotten in her brain
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I'm in the ESH camp. You can't expect to get paid for baking your dad a cake, for Chrissake! And It don''t care if he's the bio-dad or not as long as he treats her well, puts a roof over her head. It's painful enough that he has to ask for one. And what's up with couples not communicating?? Selling a gift istead of just taking money out of the household account is just the icing of the cake.
He's not her father. He's the guy her mom is married to.
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What makes it even more suspicious is that she kept the rest of the money after paying her daughter. Like, wasn't that supposed to be for a birthday gift?
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Yeah this one is weird. I don’t know why you would expect your husband to buy his own cake, that’s the strangest part for me. But if it was the case that your daughter expected to be paid then you should of paid for it since it’s your husbands birthday. When it’s your Birthday then your husband should pay.
He's the one who approached her about making it, knowing full well she had a business doing it.
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If its her own little business yes the cake should have been paid for but it should have been paid for by the mother. But also he complicated things by asking her to bake him a cake. Mother should of asked her and paid for it
It's paid for out of the fact that her housing and most other living expenses are provided for her. Oh, and she uses their kitchen to make his cake and all the other cakes. It's also good for young people to learn gratitude.
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One of the biggest cases of stupidity I have ever seen. How to raise a self entitled child. It was the mans bday for crying out loud.
Why is it entitlement for someone to want to be paid for their work? As a photographer, should I just roll over every time a family member wants me to shoot their event? Why is this any different? Stepdad is the entitled one. He expected the kid to make him something 'out of the goodness of her heart'. Baloney. He asked~~he can at least *offer* to pay! Let the girl decide whether it is a gift or not. He assumed.
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I too think there is more to this, but I have a feeling it relies in how he stated he wasn't gonna pay for it, as though it was expected she make a cake. It's mentioned the daughter makes spends from this, from family and friends, the dad knows this. Now if it was agreed it was her gift to him it would be different. I think he's being the a**e here. Without knowing the dynamics we can't judge on our own set of experiments. I'm grateful but also sad that most people haven't had the experience of an arsey family member and presume that it actually doesn't cause major upset and distress.
I've bought my own birthday cake from time to time to make sure I got exactly what I wanted. Mom shouldn't have interfered here. She should have let the daughter give him the cake without fuss. As for her worry about family requests being transactional, I can see that if it's an elaborate wedding cake that she needs to pull extra staff in for labor or the ingredients are really expensive. But again...that should be the daughter's choice. It's her future business. Encourage her to take business management and accounting classes...but let her do it her way.
Who's actually made a cake from scratch? I've seen some elaborate cakes that aren't for weddings. Quite frankly, I would have given the man a crappy Duncan Hines box cake with canned frosting.
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absolutely YTA. today is my 18th birthday. i'm blessed to have a wonderful younger sibling who's very talented at baking. if i asked them to bake me a cake for my birthday, that would be the same as me asking for a specific birthday gift. you don't pay people back for your own birthday gifts. if i wanted my sibling to bake me a cake any other time of year, of course i would pay them! they put a lot of hard work & passion into baking, & they deserve to be paid for it! but since the cake is a gift for my birthday, there's no expectation for me to pay for the time, ingredients, etc. it's a birthday present. mom is raising her kid to be selfish with her talents. by all means, if you have a skill, dont undersell yourself & dont let family take advantage of you! but if your family really appreciates your talents & wants you to do something as a birthday gift, cmon. be reasonable. anyway, i'm really excited to see what my sibling has baked for me this year. an expression of love like that is worth more than money
Unfortunately, it sounds like there is no love lost between the two. He could have asserted that it was her gift to him~he didn't (according to OP) and was smug about it. That tells me that he's not a good individual. The truth of the matter lies somewhere in between the two people~~one we haven't heard from.
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Well, if step dad was apparently required to buy his own cake I certainly hope mom and daughter are ready to buy their own as well. I mean, who TF feels it's appropriate to make anyone buy a cake for their own birthday? Something is seriously wrong with OP and kid. It's especially messed up because it was a birthday cake but it could just as easily be "my teen makes [insert any craft/art thing] and sells them to make extra money. My partner wanted one for their birthday and I told them that they would need to pay my child for it"
Sorry, but YTA I this case I think. You could have just paid her yourself without mentioning it. You shouldn’t have sold his gift.
My answer depends on one thing.... when did she say that the cake would cost money?... if she said it before and TO the bday boy than the man shouldve said no to her and thats that.... if she said it after.... WHO TELLS SOMEONE THEY OWE THEM MONEY FOR SOMETHIN THEY ALREADY MADE... look i get ur daughter is getting into the swing of things with makin money n all but pls teach her personal finance( such as when to charge and how much) and if u payed for the suppliez than u techniacally already payed her
NT entire A. The step dad asked the daughter to bake him a cake, something she does as a side hustle for money. Now if he'd said, "Hey, instead of a present, maybe you could bake my cake! I'll buy the supplies." That would be different. But, it's not like the daughter offered then expected payment; she was asked to preform a service she typically sells to others, and it's sounds like he let her pay for supplies and do all that work, and expected it of her, and she felt like she couldn't refuse. If she's good enough to do it as a side hustle, she probably spent hours working on it. I baked a fancy cake for a friend's kid once and it took all day, between sourcing out supplies, making the cake, making the icing, icing the cake, then decorating the cake. It's a huge effort when you don't have a dedicated bakery to work out of and a lot of money if you don't have decorating supplies and tools on hand. OP isn't TA entirely, but she should've paid the kid, then settled with hubby later.
The man should not have refused to pay against request, but the stepdaughter could also have made the cake for free ... After all it is her stepfather, it would have been a nice gesture. As for the sale of the birthday gift it seems to me an exaggerated revenge. Anyway, I see that in many families the only thing that matters is money (not money as a real problem, but as a reason for avoidable quarrels) and perform acts of spite instead of seek an agreement with intelligence. Better not to get married, I would say.
The daughter did not want or expect to get paid, though. That was all on OP's insistence...
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If stepdad gives gifts for stepdaughters birthday one could consider the cake was a birthday gift from daughter and if so OP is most definitely the a*****e if dad ignore daughters birthday then dad is the schmuck.
Can you imagine if he pulled that with the daughter? Made something for her birthday by hand and charged her for it? You think OP would still be singing that tune?
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My niece makes cakes and cupcakes for parties and whatnot, but the payment depends on if she offers, or if she's asked. If she offers, then it's considered by all (her also) that is a gift. But if she's asked, it's basically a given that she will get paid. Family or not. It's something that I've always insisted on myself, and I've told all the kids the same. An offer is a gift, a request is a transaction that requires payment. And in this case, I'd say AH for both the OP and stepdad. OP because she decided to punish her husband as though he were a child at Christmas "Oh, you were bad, coal in your stocking, and I'm going to return your gift!" She should have just paid her daughter and then verbally shamed her husband once. Not turned it into an ongoing issue. And stad because He asked for the cake, so he turned it into a transaction himself, yet welched on it. He wouldn't do that with a bakery (one would hope!) so why would he think because it's his stepdaughter it should be different?
I don't know that everyone knows that "secret code" to determine if it's a freebie or not. Does your niece not say to people who ask, ok, but it will cost x? Apparently stepdad was just supposed to know to pay some magical sum. Mom admits daughter never told him "directly" daughter expected to be paid, he was just supposed to know. So if daughter asks for a ride, she should know she'll have to pay x for it, if hubby asks wife to pick up dry cleaning he should know he'll have to pay her to do it, if wife asks hubby to take out the trash she has to pay him to do it?
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Jeeze... When my sister did her baby gender reveal, she asked me to make 2 full sized 3 layered cakes from scratch. One pink and one blue, with the middle layer being brownie. She also asked that they be dairy free to accommodate a few who would be there. I bought all the ingredients, spent all that time with my single baking pan, made the icing from scratch and didn't ask for a single dime. Sure it would've been nice to be compensated for my time and work but didn't get a single dime. And most of the cakes went to waste... Only 5 ppl had any of it... The plan was you would take a slice from whatever one you thought the gender was and if you were right you got a little party bag but since the in-laws arrived drunk already and there was a fight begining to take place with some neighbors... It was a disaster. She ended up giving the girls cake to her neighbor who was having her gender reveal the next week. Turns out to have worked just fine. Sis had a boy and her neighbor had a girl!
That was so much work you put into those cakes. You're a good person for doing all that.
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The entire family needs family counseling. The daughter needs her own therapist. Their family system appears to be unhealthy.
The daughter has horrible business acumen. Always get the money upfront. Don't mix family and business. Mom is absolutely encouraging her daughter to be a failure in business. She is not a baby, she could have easily asked him for money. Maybe because she knows deep down it's wrong to treat step parents like they're not a part of the family.
If she had wanted to be paid for it she would have hold him. She didnt. Obviously the mom dragged it out of her.
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I’m on the fence. The Dad asked the daughter to make the cake and because this is her little hustle he agreed and then didn’t honor what he said. The mom was mad about the promise to pay the daughter because he said he would as well as making a statement that it shouldn’t be transactional. I feel like he should keep the same energy about the watch transaction. If he had asked for the cake from his daughter and told her it’s what he wanted from her for his birthday instead of saying make me a cake and I’ll pay you it’s what I want on my birthday that’s a different creature. He intentionally took her choice away. It’s not ideal but I get why the mom did what she did. The child was let down by both parents.
NTA. Bastard knows that she charges for her work. And decides to freeload it because he is her "dad". A real dad would willingly and prodly have paid. He is just a cheap a*****e.
NO NO NO! You bring a person a birthday cake it is a gift. If HE ordered it, that is differnt,. but if the girl's mother ordered it then she pays.
Is this the lazy loweffort stuff thats considered journalism these days? Pretty sad you can't chase a real story so you just rip posts from reddit and call it news.....
He basically supports the stepdaughter, but has to pay her to bake a birthday cake....boy talk about an entitled kid.
WOW! Honestly I can't believe that this is even a subject. What kind of people are they. And for that matter about 99% of the people commenting too. What family charges each other for food? I think almost everyone commenting are horrible people including said "family"! Weapons grade aholes! Carma will get all of you in some way in my opinion! Absolutely unbelievable!
He is the a*****e for asking her to bake him a cake , knowing that is her passion and is trying to embrace it and grow it into a business. Parents, biological or step , are supposed to support their children's creativity not stifle it. Encourage her to be compensated for her talent.... honestly, it would ringing endorsement for him to say to his friends and family, that his daughter....a girl , he chose to be his child is so good at her craft that even he paid for his cake.... Children don't owe Thier parents nothing, other than to live their best lives whatever they choose it to be. I'm a father of 6 biological children, 3 children I chose to raise who are siblings with my children, an d grandfather to 1 bio and1 chosen. They are all loved and my greatest gifts.... If you choose to raise them, then you're obligated to RAISE them up
I believe the man was on the wrong. He said he would pay do he should pay. You don't go back on what you say you will do. I think the mom was right to help her daughter bc she expected to get paid for it. If other family members have to pay for their cakes what makes him any different. I also think he shouldn't have told the whole family what happened cause that just caused more drama for them and made everything worse. He should have just kept it between them instead of telling the whole world their problem to get sympathy and put her as the bad guy. Cause that is probably how she feels and what he painted her as when all he had to do was pay for the cake. It is not a transactional relationship if you say you will pay and you DONT that is just lying and expecting things.
WOW. This woman could write a handbook on Petty Ways to Ruin Someone’s Birthday While Causing Family Rifts. I wonder how many people are thanking the stars rn while reading this that they’re not related to this woman. If it was so important to her that her daughter be paid, why didn’t she just quietly pay her daughter herself, instead of revoking a birthday gift? This woman isn’t just the a*****e, she’s the Whole A*s.
People saying HE asked for the cake did NOT understand a thing. He might eventually said ok to paying to get OP to stop annoying him about the money, and he WAS wrong about that, but it was SHE, the OP, who wanted payment and demanded money the whole time. The stepdaughter could choose to gift the cake or do a business transaction (and maybe gift him something else?). But it was her mother who was the money pusher. What she could, and should have done is to pay her daughter for the cake. There. Everyone happy. Daughter gets business, mom has cake that she wants, dad gets special cake baked specially for him... And then use her gift to him as revenge? What is she expecting on HER birthday celebration from him? Maybe she should pay her daughter for her own cake, buy her own gift, write her own card... That may actually happen as this marriage may not last if more kindness gets in it.
When the husband said he shouldn't have to pay her: "I'm her father". Let me repeat that: I'M HER FATHER. OP, it is so very sad that the value of your husband's statement did not register with you. For a step-parent to refer to themselves as the child's father is a HUGE deal. That, alone, should be priceless to you. You truly don't understand just how lucky you are that he regards her as his daughter, himself as her father. I assure you, it doesn't always happen this way. I also agree it would have been a kind, meaningful gift from her. Or you should have made the cake, bought it elsewhere, or paid her to make it. No-one should have to pay for their own birthday cake. How awful. What kind of person returns a gift for cash before it's given, pays for cake, the keeps the rest? Where's your decency? Yes, YTA
Daughter sucks because she agreed to make the cake with ZERO communication about payment, Mom sucks because she should be the one offering to pay for her husband's birthday cake, but Dad sucks the most because he agreed to pay for it while obviously having no intention of doing so (probably hoped it just wouldn't come up again). For me, lying is worse than weird expectations.
YTA. Did the kid contribute to the purchase of the house, the stove, the gas or electric that runs them? What about the water to clean up? And the cleaning supplies. The pans they were baked in? What about the school/property taxes? Is dad going to be expected to contribute to college education, car, wedding?? Seriously.
I didn't see all replies posted, but the situation seems to be: The daughter has been making cakes for pay and her stepfather ASKED her to bake his birthday cake. She didn't volunteer. She may have reasonably thought he was trying to support her in her business. This is a great lesson that price must ALWAYS be discussed up front. Since she is a teen, I do feel like he should have made it clear that he was considering this her gift. Depending on the type and size of the cake and the cost of ingredients lately, I can see where it may have been a very unpleasant surprise. As far as between Mom and Stepdad, it is obvious there was an argument, he refused to pay, and his present was returned out of spite or to make a point? BOTH adults ATA'S and she is in the middle (as usual?). Step-dad should have AT LEAST given her the money for the ingredients, IF she purchased them, since there was a misunderstanding, and he ASKED her to make the cake.
Lol, her entire idea backfired. "Let me post the story online and see if I'm the a-hole here". Literally EVERYBODY agrees that somebody being made to buy their own cake on their own birthday is just toxic and weird. Then y'all just making it all dramatic on all ends. Sounds like they all suck except for the daughter. She seems like she can bake a damn cake.
The mom is wrong it was his birthday if she felt like the daughter needed the money she should of paid her but not with his gift. Shame on that mom Wow! what if he charges her for every little thing he does ? Your wrong mom
I would laugh if OP didn't actually have a job and had bought the watch with hubby's earnings. Then he's paying for everything anyways.
You should pay her for his birthday cake. No one should have to pay for their own birthday cake. You're terrible for selling a gift to pay for his cake. You are cheap and manipulative. It's a birthday gift. You shouldn't take that back and if you want him to pay for his own birthday cake then you need to pay for your own birthday celebration yourself. It's not about the daughter. If the daughters gift was the cake then no money should be involved. But don't charge family unless the person doing the service requests payment.
That seems extremely petty to expect to be paid for making your father a cake. I would not have paid for it either. I would feel offended and rejected as a parent if I were even asked.
You. That was sh**tty thing to do. Why didnt you just pay her..it's his birthday 🤷🏽♀️
Regardless of whether the daughter charged for the cake or not it was your job to provide hubs with a birthday cake. In the event your daughter wanted to to get paid again, your job to teach her not everything is transactional. If aunt Rose who is an expert in cake baking gives a cake its usually a gift cause its family. Teach her the joy of giving. Selling your " gift" to pay your daughter is borderline pettiness. R u sure selling the watch was about making a payment or is there something deeper here. Cause that act of yours is outside the norm and smack in the vindictiveness category. I sentence you to marriage counseling.
Didn’t read whole article but based on what I did here’s my opinion. It was her step dads birthday and she baked him a cake, why should he pay for the birthday? That was kind of his step daughter to make the cake but I don’t think he should have to pay for it.
Id immediately file divorce. What kind of sick household do they have? I guarantee the teen got a sweet 16 party, and she wasn't charged for the party... Im serious, Id divorce the woman. Try being a guy for 5 minutes. We basically get ZERO THANKS, for providing everything, rarely if ever get gifts of appreciation but women lose their minds if they arent constantly fawned over...and since this is a step daughter, you know damn well, Dad isn't a priority to Mom. I'd immediately walk, Garrison sized red flag. he is being used.
If the daughter is making professional-quality cakes, then I definitely understand charging for them (yes, even to family). Fancy cakes take a lot of time and money to create, so of course she'd want compensation. But if she's pulling out a box cake mix and canned frosting and expecting to be payed,, ehhh... Either way, if mom wanted her daughter to be payed, she should have been the one to do it. Who makes someone buy their own bday cake ?? 😭
Why is this even an issue? I may be old school, but seriously who pays for their OWN birthday cake?! That makes about as much sense as wiping your butt before you poop. YTA.
Something seem really off, besides the lousy relationship between the husband and wife. The wife can't pay for the cake as a birthday gift to the husband? The child can't give the cake as a birthday gift to the husband? So many days went past after eating the cake that she didn't give him the watch yet still but she had time to return it. She was hanging onto it after the cake was eaten and the birthday was celebrated that then she returned it? It's all kind of odd. Especially the relationship itself.
Just like the girl I was the one always baking in the family. Was an unspoken rule basically that I do the birthday cakes. Parents, brother, nieces and nephews, etc but I never once expected them to pay me for their birthday cake. You make a cake for someone out of love, not to get paid.
This woman is an AH. She just told her husband, he doesn't count. His bday doesnt count. The only one who does is her precious daughter. Her daughter comes first. Heaven forbid if her daughter does something for free for a family member. No one but no one pays for their cake on their bday. She will find that out soon when her bday isn't celebrated. No cake or presents for her. Mom is a petty b*@tch. And she won't have to worry, bc she might be paying for everything soon after a divorce. Teach your daughter to be selfless and make a cake for a family member. The ingredients arent that expensive. Shes not a professional baker. She could bake a cake for someone else and get paid. Why is she so selfish to PUNISH her husband? What a miserable person. And it sets up a horrible dynamic in the house. Mom's got a serious horrible guilt trip about her kid. Wait till her non birthday.
Obviously it's after the birthday, so she gave him a watch then took from him, took back to store, paid daughter & kept the difference. So husband got NOTHING. I guess need more info like how long been married, is real father in life. No way would I pay for my own cake. I crochet baby blankets but do not charge family
ESH. As someone who has baked cakes and such for a little extra cash, I appreciate that the mom wanted the baker to be compensated, especially if it was a normal thing in the family. HOWEVER, daughter should have made it clear to the one who requested her services that she expected to be paid for her work. If he still refused she should have made the choice to either not bake it, or make the cake as a gift. Also, step-dad should not have made the assumption that he was entitled to his stepdaughter's work just because he is family. Mom should have let her daughter fight her own battle, and not involved herself; if anything she should have put her foot down on the matter and either insisted he pay up or daughter not bake.
Could have paid her without selling the gift, yta. I 100% agree she should be paid, 100% disagree he should pay for it. The mother here should pay for it, or they could have made it together and presented him with it and the watch. But since she was asked, mommy you should pay her for her work so she gets paid as the professional she is, and dad doesn't pay for his own damn cake. What makes her the ah is the returned gift, no need for that like wtf.
Lot of parts that don't quite add up. Step Daughter does baking for select people for profit-maybe to avoid issues with licenses? Husband and wife agreed to a payment which husband planned not to pay? Let's cut it right down to bottom lines. Most people don't expect to pay for their own birthday parties, someone usually gifts that to them. Presumably he wanted a cake by agreeing to having one (leaving whom the wife paid to get said cake out of it). It's her gift to him and if she felt that was enough then that covers his gift. Sure it's petty but that seems to be in abundance between the married couple.
Why should a 16 year old have to be paid to bake her step father a cake? And why should her step father have to buy his own birthday cake?? What the h*'ll kind of family dynamic IS this? This is so ridiculous that I'm inclined to think this is a fake post. OP and daughter are both the AH. Daughter for "expecting" to be paid for making a cake for a family member. (Yes, even tho he's her SF, still a family member) Mom for supporting this "cake for pay" scheme. There's more going on here than a cake. Something strange going on in this household.
When I was younger I wouldn’t speak up for myself, so I understand the young lady not speaking up but I think the mother is correct he should have paid not told the mother to do it, but I don’t think this marriage is going last, it seems there is a lot of resentment.
Mom sucks and she's also teaching her daughter to be as greedy as her. Familial relationships aren't transactional. I would never provide a gift or service for a family member and insist on getting paid for it. If the family member insisted I might suggest helping with the cost of materials if they felt the need to, but it wouldn't be necessary. This woman is the AH and is teaching her daughter to also be an AH.
When I read this, the first thing I have in my mind is 'I don't understand white people.' Pay for his own birthday cake? Are you kidding me? You're an a*****e mom, without question.
It's not white people in white and any white person I know would never act like this. This is just people who always feel entitled to everyone else's money and don't know how to give a little. They just take take take. Unfortunately, that's being taught to the younger generations more and more. Mom is definitely the a*****e and so is her daughter
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Husband is acting like a bit of a jerk, but I'm still on his side with this one, even though I don't agree with his attitude. It's his birthday, he shouldn't have to pay for his own cake. That's like taking a friend/relative out to lunch for their birthday and expecting them to pay their share. He may be acting a bit childish, but it doesn't make him wrong.
Considering how controlling OP seems to be, I wonder if he really agreed to pay for the cake or she interpreted something else that way. I have a habit of saying "ok" as an acknowledgement, and I know some people take that as agreement. I wonder if something similar happened here.
They are both right and wrong at the same time. Don‘t have enough time to elaborate, but that‘s my opinion.
He shouldn't have lied about paying his daughter, that's infuriating and straight up wrong. OP is a bit of a helicopter mom, stepping in and demanding payment for her daughter's work, but she did it in her daughter's stead. She then proceeded to overreact and sell his birthday gift so SHE could pay her. I don't think there's anything wrong with either parent paying for it (though again, dad lying about it was messed up). OP could've paid her daughter any number of given ways, but she actively went out of her way to return something SHE bought HIM to do so. That's not just petty, that's spiteful. And then she goes to specify that her daughter didn't even want payment.
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ESH to some degree (hubby shouldn't have said to OP he'd pay then didn't, daughter shouldn't have told mom she wanted stepdad to pay but failed to actually speak with stepdad about it) but OP is definitely the a*****e for taking back a gift after it was given. Yes, ingredients are increasingly expensive these days, so a multi-layered and/or decorated cake can be a costly gift, more than daughter might have spent/been able to afford otherwise. But as best as I can work out, the baking ingredients are funded through OP - when asked if daughter spent her own money to make the cake, the response was 'yes, what she gets from me'. Sounds like the daughter wasn't spending her own money or profits from previous bakes on this cake, and daughter's only costs were time - that baking time/skill could have been her gift. And there is nothing to suggest hubby specified the type/size/style cake, or that it was a showstopper for a big party that might have increased her work/effort on the cake.
I don't think you're in the wrong you didn't make this decision lightly you felt she deserved the pay I'm sure you discussed with him and he agreed upon everyone saying you're the a**hole are the a**holes becitbey obviously never been in a situation like this and they aren't even asking the right questions just judging....NOT THE A**HOLE you did what you felt was right and I'm 100% sure you were making a point and you made it....stand firm don't explain yourself to anyone anymore that's the problem things get lost in translation because they didn't and don't feel what you did and do over the situation especially during the decision making process ..... Nothing wrong with anyone paying for work well done and those that said who pays for their birthday cake (a person that said they would or got their own cake DUHHH)! Stay bless I repeat NOT THE A**HOLE!!!
NTA. OP's husband knew exactly what his daughter was like. He knew she would make the cake and expected to be compensated for it. The father is an AH for this, she's sixteen and learning to be an entrepreneur. He's a d**k.
Wow -- what a messed up family! OP is definitely an AH for expecting husband to pay for his own birthday cake, and then to sell the gift she bought him in retaliation for him not paying? Who does that?? Her daughter is an AH for expecting payment for baking a birthday cake for stepdad. Sometimes we just do things for family..That should have been her gift especially since OP paid for ingredients. But it's OP's fault that her daughter is an AH. She learned from mom. Stepdad is an AH for telling family and friends about this. Deal with this family stuff at home without bringing others into it. This is one sad family.
This is nearing the bottom of the downward vortex of capitalism: where having already created diversionary division within society between faiths, sexualities, genders, bodily autonomists and state vessels, black and white, haves and have-nots, early (European) immigrants and recent (darker-skinned) immigrants, climate change deniers and gun controllers.... Now we have families paying for their own gifts or unhealable rifts occur with chasms forming out of habit for polarisation over every issue because everything has to be black and white in Capitalismland. Profit and Loss, good vs evil. Nuance has been lost along with reason, compassion, love.
Daughter is young and needs to learn to speak up but I also cannot imagine charging my parent to make a cake when I don't even pay for the supplies. Close family, I RARELY charge...all dependent upon the occasion (ex: my sis will order for work or an event). Most times, the cake is my gift of thats what they want. Otherwise, I charge but might just charge ingredients. Also agree that this is a small burr in a much larger issue in the marriage. I mean, how much did OP pay the daughter to make a cake with ingredients she didn't buy and utilities she doesn't pay for? Then OP kept the rest of the money? She couldn't have gone and bought a smaller gift? She's the A-hole all the way around without question but damn.
Everybody's missing the part where OP clearly says that family members/friends DO regularly pay for custom cakes. Sure this may be unusual, but the norms of this particular family have to be taken into account! The husband shouldn't have agreed to honor the custom of paying for the cake if he had no intention to do so, he could've talked to his daughter about it, or asked his wife to buy a cake for him as a surprise. And the wife definitely overreacted, having a conversation between the three of them (including the daughter) would've been the right move first.
But do they pay for their OWN cakes, or do they order cakes for other people? Very unusual to be expected to pay for your own birthday cake
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The husband asked the daughter to make a cake, knowing that she owns a cake making business. It's beside the point that her business is small and new. It doesn't matter if it is your birthday or not, a bakery is not going to do it for free. The husband should not have assumed it would be for free. The wife did not ask for the service, the daughter didn't offer the service. Husband is the a****le for assuming he gets something for free just because he was born. A good father would help his daughter's business grow. I make cakes for my family. I don't charge for the labor, only the supplies. Which is still around $60-$100, depending on size and level of decoration. And it can take a full day of work to complete. People don't realize the level of work cake making and decorating can be. He is being disrespectful. He shouldn't have asked, if he didn't want to pay.
So...I guess you skimmed over the part where OP says that her daughter didn't want or expect to get paid?
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If the daughter is making a small business out of baking, and he basically orders a cake, then hell yes he should pay for it. Who orders their own cake anyways? Asking for a cake from a working baker and expecting it to be given as a gift just strikes me as kinda narcissistic. It'd be one thing if the girl made the cake of her own volition, but he specifically requested one. A 'gift' cannot be demanded. So he's TA there. On the other hand, selling his birthday gift does strike me as kind of a petty revenge. Really, the daughter is the only NTA here.
The daughter isn't pursuing a career in baking, she (and her mom) are extorting money from relatives by pushing baked goods on them. The telling detail is that her only customers are family. If she were any good, she'd have other customers by now. Not just put-upon relatives.
Load More Replies... I have a feeling that this is a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. It doesn't make sense on its own why this should be a big deal. And the daughter didn't ask to be paid, anyway. I wonder if it might have to do with the dynamics of being a blended family. That maybe she feels that he does not treat *her* daughter fairly. This argument seems like a proxy for something else that we don't know about. Frankly I suspect what is needed is marital counseling to get the root of the problem.
If my partner tried to retrospectively charge me for my birthday cake and then sold the gift they gave me, I would be thinking that they perhaps shouldn't be a partner, and I'd save the counselling money.
Load More Replies... Oh man! All the money I could have made over the years... It just never occurred to me to charge my brothers, Mom, Dad, friends, friends' kids etc for the cakes I've baked them. Dann, I could've made a killing 😅😅😅 But in all seriousness, unless you own a bakery and bake a cake for a costumer (which wasn't the case here), a cake is a gift 🍰
I knowwww. I bake for our friends/relatives, my mum decorates, we coulda been rich. We're a large family
Load More Replies... This is a major a*****e move on OP's part. How is she so incredibly oblivious to the handling of this situation being so damned petty??? OP is the a*****e BIG TIME.
That's so wrong. The daughter expect her family and friends to pay for the cakes. Does she pay for the food when she goes to eat at their place ? What would she think if they presented her with a bill for the diner ?
Yes and this my money your money talk from the mom. Money money money. I got like that too. I had to take care of my kids and new partner only paid half the rent and kept the rest for himself. First he also lived from my income, but I got enough of him not wanting to work and I'm not a millionair. He'd get mad if I bought em a balloon. I have to eat normal! Then work normal. So then I kept my money for my kids, but then you're just room mates. Break up already. He didn't even buy em a toy from his money. Once he bought em a 10 euro toy from my money lol and once he took my son to the toy store to buy himself a toy and he gave him nothing. LOL but he was too young to understand it was weird and was just happy he took him on a walk. So only if this guy is like that, I understand her a bit, but I doubt it.
Load More Replies... Thought experiment: It's your birthday, your husband takes you out to dinner at a restaurant you suggest. You go out, have a lovely dinner, and he gives you a beautiful bracelet. But at the end of the evening, he suggests you pay for dinner. You brush it off as a joke - why would you be expected to pay for dinner, when he took you out for your birthday? He pays, but when you get home he asks you to pay him back - he feels that the bracelet was his gift to you, and that dinner at that restaurant was your idea, and you should pay. You refuse, and you fight about it, not because of the amount of money, but because it's rude and hurtful for him to demand repayment for your birthday dinner. He takes your new bracelet out of your jewellery box, and returns it, and says it's to pay for dinner. You feel disrespected and hurt, and you're upset that he's making this about money, when he ruined your birthday. You vent about his behaviour to some of your family and friends. Who's an a*****e?
This is perfect! I wish the mother could read this.
Load More Replies... yeah you are a POS and you are a horrible wife while we are at it if you wanted her to be paid for it then you should have done so as a wife but no you are a shitty person. As far as your daughter paying for the stuff for the cake is just a flat out lie because who doesn't have eggs, milk, sugar and butter in their home right now the only purchase i can believe is the flour and frosting so stfu about her spending her own money and the fact that you kept the rest of the money for yourself says a lot instead of just giving it all to her.
Why is the husband still with this crazy a*****e. That's the kinda crazy you divorce immediately, there's no talking through that. Something is DEEPLY rooted rotten in her brain
Load More Replies... I'm in the ESH camp. You can't expect to get paid for baking your dad a cake, for Chrissake! And It don''t care if he's the bio-dad or not as long as he treats her well, puts a roof over her head. It's painful enough that he has to ask for one. And what's up with couples not communicating?? Selling a gift istead of just taking money out of the household account is just the icing of the cake.
He's not her father. He's the guy her mom is married to.
Load More Replies... What makes it even more suspicious is that she kept the rest of the money after paying her daughter. Like, wasn't that supposed to be for a birthday gift?
Load More Replies... Yeah this one is weird. I don’t know why you would expect your husband to buy his own cake, that’s the strangest part for me. But if it was the case that your daughter expected to be paid then you should of paid for it since it’s your husbands birthday. When it’s your Birthday then your husband should pay.
He's the one who approached her about making it, knowing full well she had a business doing it.
Load More Replies... If its her own little business yes the cake should have been paid for but it should have been paid for by the mother. But also he complicated things by asking her to bake him a cake. Mother should of asked her and paid for it
It's paid for out of the fact that her housing and most other living expenses are provided for her. Oh, and she uses their kitchen to make his cake and all the other cakes. It's also good for young people to learn gratitude.
Load More Replies... One of the biggest cases of stupidity I have ever seen. How to raise a self entitled child. It was the mans bday for crying out loud.
Why is it entitlement for someone to want to be paid for their work? As a photographer, should I just roll over every time a family member wants me to shoot their event? Why is this any different? Stepdad is the entitled one. He expected the kid to make him something 'out of the goodness of her heart'. Baloney. He asked~~he can at least *offer* to pay! Let the girl decide whether it is a gift or not. He assumed.
Load More Replies... I too think there is more to this, but I have a feeling it relies in how he stated he wasn't gonna pay for it, as though it was expected she make a cake. It's mentioned the daughter makes spends from this, from family and friends, the dad knows this. Now if it was agreed it was her gift to him it would be different. I think he's being the a**e here. Without knowing the dynamics we can't judge on our own set of experiments. I'm grateful but also sad that most people haven't had the experience of an arsey family member and presume that it actually doesn't cause major upset and distress.
I've bought my own birthday cake from time to time to make sure I got exactly what I wanted. Mom shouldn't have interfered here. She should have let the daughter give him the cake without fuss. As for her worry about family requests being transactional, I can see that if it's an elaborate wedding cake that she needs to pull extra staff in for labor or the ingredients are really expensive. But again...that should be the daughter's choice. It's her future business. Encourage her to take business management and accounting classes...but let her do it her way.
Who's actually made a cake from scratch? I've seen some elaborate cakes that aren't for weddings. Quite frankly, I would have given the man a crappy Duncan Hines box cake with canned frosting.
Load More Replies... absolutely YTA. today is my 18th birthday. i'm blessed to have a wonderful younger sibling who's very talented at baking. if i asked them to bake me a cake for my birthday, that would be the same as me asking for a specific birthday gift. you don't pay people back for your own birthday gifts. if i wanted my sibling to bake me a cake any other time of year, of course i would pay them! they put a lot of hard work & passion into baking, & they deserve to be paid for it! but since the cake is a gift for my birthday, there's no expectation for me to pay for the time, ingredients, etc. it's a birthday present. mom is raising her kid to be selfish with her talents. by all means, if you have a skill, dont undersell yourself & dont let family take advantage of you! but if your family really appreciates your talents & wants you to do something as a birthday gift, cmon. be reasonable. anyway, i'm really excited to see what my sibling has baked for me this year. an expression of love like that is worth more than money
Unfortunately, it sounds like there is no love lost between the two. He could have asserted that it was her gift to him~he didn't (according to OP) and was smug about it. That tells me that he's not a good individual. The truth of the matter lies somewhere in between the two people~~one we haven't heard from.
Load More Replies... Well, if step dad was apparently required to buy his own cake I certainly hope mom and daughter are ready to buy their own as well. I mean, who TF feels it's appropriate to make anyone buy a cake for their own birthday? Something is seriously wrong with OP and kid. It's especially messed up because it was a birthday cake but it could just as easily be "my teen makes [insert any craft/art thing] and sells them to make extra money. My partner wanted one for their birthday and I told them that they would need to pay my child for it"
Sorry, but YTA I this case I think. You could have just paid her yourself without mentioning it. You shouldn’t have sold his gift.
My answer depends on one thing.... when did she say that the cake would cost money?... if she said it before and TO the bday boy than the man shouldve said no to her and thats that.... if she said it after.... WHO TELLS SOMEONE THEY OWE THEM MONEY FOR SOMETHIN THEY ALREADY MADE... look i get ur daughter is getting into the swing of things with makin money n all but pls teach her personal finance( such as when to charge and how much) and if u payed for the suppliez than u techniacally already payed her
NT entire A. The step dad asked the daughter to bake him a cake, something she does as a side hustle for money. Now if he'd said, "Hey, instead of a present, maybe you could bake my cake! I'll buy the supplies." That would be different. But, it's not like the daughter offered then expected payment; she was asked to preform a service she typically sells to others, and it's sounds like he let her pay for supplies and do all that work, and expected it of her, and she felt like she couldn't refuse. If she's good enough to do it as a side hustle, she probably spent hours working on it. I baked a fancy cake for a friend's kid once and it took all day, between sourcing out supplies, making the cake, making the icing, icing the cake, then decorating the cake. It's a huge effort when you don't have a dedicated bakery to work out of and a lot of money if you don't have decorating supplies and tools on hand. OP isn't TA entirely, but she should've paid the kid, then settled with hubby later.
The man should not have refused to pay against request, but the stepdaughter could also have made the cake for free ... After all it is her stepfather, it would have been a nice gesture. As for the sale of the birthday gift it seems to me an exaggerated revenge. Anyway, I see that in many families the only thing that matters is money (not money as a real problem, but as a reason for avoidable quarrels) and perform acts of spite instead of seek an agreement with intelligence. Better not to get married, I would say.
The daughter did not want or expect to get paid, though. That was all on OP's insistence...
Load More Replies... If stepdad gives gifts for stepdaughters birthday one could consider the cake was a birthday gift from daughter and if so OP is most definitely the a*****e if dad ignore daughters birthday then dad is the schmuck.
Can you imagine if he pulled that with the daughter? Made something for her birthday by hand and charged her for it? You think OP would still be singing that tune?
Load More Replies... My niece makes cakes and cupcakes for parties and whatnot, but the payment depends on if she offers, or if she's asked. If she offers, then it's considered by all (her also) that is a gift. But if she's asked, it's basically a given that she will get paid. Family or not. It's something that I've always insisted on myself, and I've told all the kids the same. An offer is a gift, a request is a transaction that requires payment. And in this case, I'd say AH for both the OP and stepdad. OP because she decided to punish her husband as though he were a child at Christmas "Oh, you were bad, coal in your stocking, and I'm going to return your gift!" She should have just paid her daughter and then verbally shamed her husband once. Not turned it into an ongoing issue. And stad because He asked for the cake, so he turned it into a transaction himself, yet welched on it. He wouldn't do that with a bakery (one would hope!) so why would he think because it's his stepdaughter it should be different?
I don't know that everyone knows that "secret code" to determine if it's a freebie or not. Does your niece not say to people who ask, ok, but it will cost x? Apparently stepdad was just supposed to know to pay some magical sum. Mom admits daughter never told him "directly" daughter expected to be paid, he was just supposed to know. So if daughter asks for a ride, she should know she'll have to pay x for it, if hubby asks wife to pick up dry cleaning he should know he'll have to pay her to do it, if wife asks hubby to take out the trash she has to pay him to do it?
Load More Replies... Jeeze... When my sister did her baby gender reveal, she asked me to make 2 full sized 3 layered cakes from scratch. One pink and one blue, with the middle layer being brownie. She also asked that they be dairy free to accommodate a few who would be there. I bought all the ingredients, spent all that time with my single baking pan, made the icing from scratch and didn't ask for a single dime. Sure it would've been nice to be compensated for my time and work but didn't get a single dime. And most of the cakes went to waste... Only 5 ppl had any of it... The plan was you would take a slice from whatever one you thought the gender was and if you were right you got a little party bag but since the in-laws arrived drunk already and there was a fight begining to take place with some neighbors... It was a disaster. She ended up giving the girls cake to her neighbor who was having her gender reveal the next week. Turns out to have worked just fine. Sis had a boy and her neighbor had a girl!
That was so much work you put into those cakes. You're a good person for doing all that.
Load More Replies... The entire family needs family counseling. The daughter needs her own therapist. Their family system appears to be unhealthy.
The daughter has horrible business acumen. Always get the money upfront. Don't mix family and business. Mom is absolutely encouraging her daughter to be a failure in business. She is not a baby, she could have easily asked him for money. Maybe because she knows deep down it's wrong to treat step parents like they're not a part of the family.
If she had wanted to be paid for it she would have hold him. She didnt. Obviously the mom dragged it out of her.
Load More Replies... I’m on the fence. The Dad asked the daughter to make the cake and because this is her little hustle he agreed and then didn’t honor what he said. The mom was mad about the promise to pay the daughter because he said he would as well as making a statement that it shouldn’t be transactional. I feel like he should keep the same energy about the watch transaction. If he had asked for the cake from his daughter and told her it’s what he wanted from her for his birthday instead of saying make me a cake and I’ll pay you it’s what I want on my birthday that’s a different creature. He intentionally took her choice away. It’s not ideal but I get why the mom did what she did. The child was let down by both parents.
NTA. Bastard knows that she charges for her work. And decides to freeload it because he is her "dad". A real dad would willingly and prodly have paid. He is just a cheap a*****e.
NO NO NO! You bring a person a birthday cake it is a gift. If HE ordered it, that is differnt,. but if the girl's mother ordered it then she pays.
Is this the lazy loweffort stuff thats considered journalism these days? Pretty sad you can't chase a real story so you just rip posts from reddit and call it news.....
He basically supports the stepdaughter, but has to pay her to bake a birthday cake....boy talk about an entitled kid.
WOW! Honestly I can't believe that this is even a subject. What kind of people are they. And for that matter about 99% of the people commenting too. What family charges each other for food? I think almost everyone commenting are horrible people including said "family"! Weapons grade aholes! Carma will get all of you in some way in my opinion! Absolutely unbelievable!
He is the a*****e for asking her to bake him a cake , knowing that is her passion and is trying to embrace it and grow it into a business. Parents, biological or step , are supposed to support their children's creativity not stifle it. Encourage her to be compensated for her talent.... honestly, it would ringing endorsement for him to say to his friends and family, that his daughter....a girl , he chose to be his child is so good at her craft that even he paid for his cake.... Children don't owe Thier parents nothing, other than to live their best lives whatever they choose it to be. I'm a father of 6 biological children, 3 children I chose to raise who are siblings with my children, an d grandfather to 1 bio and1 chosen. They are all loved and my greatest gifts.... If you choose to raise them, then you're obligated to RAISE them up
I believe the man was on the wrong. He said he would pay do he should pay. You don't go back on what you say you will do. I think the mom was right to help her daughter bc she expected to get paid for it. If other family members have to pay for their cakes what makes him any different. I also think he shouldn't have told the whole family what happened cause that just caused more drama for them and made everything worse. He should have just kept it between them instead of telling the whole world their problem to get sympathy and put her as the bad guy. Cause that is probably how she feels and what he painted her as when all he had to do was pay for the cake. It is not a transactional relationship if you say you will pay and you DONT that is just lying and expecting things.
WOW. This woman could write a handbook on Petty Ways to Ruin Someone’s Birthday While Causing Family Rifts. I wonder how many people are thanking the stars rn while reading this that they’re not related to this woman. If it was so important to her that her daughter be paid, why didn’t she just quietly pay her daughter herself, instead of revoking a birthday gift? This woman isn’t just the a*****e, she’s the Whole A*s.
People saying HE asked for the cake did NOT understand a thing. He might eventually said ok to paying to get OP to stop annoying him about the money, and he WAS wrong about that, but it was SHE, the OP, who wanted payment and demanded money the whole time. The stepdaughter could choose to gift the cake or do a business transaction (and maybe gift him something else?). But it was her mother who was the money pusher. What she could, and should have done is to pay her daughter for the cake. There. Everyone happy. Daughter gets business, mom has cake that she wants, dad gets special cake baked specially for him... And then use her gift to him as revenge? What is she expecting on HER birthday celebration from him? Maybe she should pay her daughter for her own cake, buy her own gift, write her own card... That may actually happen as this marriage may not last if more kindness gets in it.
When the husband said he shouldn't have to pay her: "I'm her father". Let me repeat that: I'M HER FATHER. OP, it is so very sad that the value of your husband's statement did not register with you. For a step-parent to refer to themselves as the child's father is a HUGE deal. That, alone, should be priceless to you. You truly don't understand just how lucky you are that he regards her as his daughter, himself as her father. I assure you, it doesn't always happen this way. I also agree it would have been a kind, meaningful gift from her. Or you should have made the cake, bought it elsewhere, or paid her to make it. No-one should have to pay for their own birthday cake. How awful. What kind of person returns a gift for cash before it's given, pays for cake, the keeps the rest? Where's your decency? Yes, YTA
Daughter sucks because she agreed to make the cake with ZERO communication about payment, Mom sucks because she should be the one offering to pay for her husband's birthday cake, but Dad sucks the most because he agreed to pay for it while obviously having no intention of doing so (probably hoped it just wouldn't come up again). For me, lying is worse than weird expectations.
YTA. Did the kid contribute to the purchase of the house, the stove, the gas or electric that runs them? What about the water to clean up? And the cleaning supplies. The pans they were baked in? What about the school/property taxes? Is dad going to be expected to contribute to college education, car, wedding?? Seriously.
I didn't see all replies posted, but the situation seems to be: The daughter has been making cakes for pay and her stepfather ASKED her to bake his birthday cake. She didn't volunteer. She may have reasonably thought he was trying to support her in her business. This is a great lesson that price must ALWAYS be discussed up front. Since she is a teen, I do feel like he should have made it clear that he was considering this her gift. Depending on the type and size of the cake and the cost of ingredients lately, I can see where it may have been a very unpleasant surprise. As far as between Mom and Stepdad, it is obvious there was an argument, he refused to pay, and his present was returned out of spite or to make a point? BOTH adults ATA'S and she is in the middle (as usual?). Step-dad should have AT LEAST given her the money for the ingredients, IF she purchased them, since there was a misunderstanding, and he ASKED her to make the cake.
Lol, her entire idea backfired. "Let me post the story online and see if I'm the a-hole here". Literally EVERYBODY agrees that somebody being made to buy their own cake on their own birthday is just toxic and weird. Then y'all just making it all dramatic on all ends. Sounds like they all suck except for the daughter. She seems like she can bake a damn cake.
The mom is wrong it was his birthday if she felt like the daughter needed the money she should of paid her but not with his gift. Shame on that mom Wow! what if he charges her for every little thing he does ? Your wrong mom
I would laugh if OP didn't actually have a job and had bought the watch with hubby's earnings. Then he's paying for everything anyways.
You should pay her for his birthday cake. No one should have to pay for their own birthday cake. You're terrible for selling a gift to pay for his cake. You are cheap and manipulative. It's a birthday gift. You shouldn't take that back and if you want him to pay for his own birthday cake then you need to pay for your own birthday celebration yourself. It's not about the daughter. If the daughters gift was the cake then no money should be involved. But don't charge family unless the person doing the service requests payment.
That seems extremely petty to expect to be paid for making your father a cake. I would not have paid for it either. I would feel offended and rejected as a parent if I were even asked.
You. That was sh**tty thing to do. Why didnt you just pay her..it's his birthday 🤷🏽♀️
Regardless of whether the daughter charged for the cake or not it was your job to provide hubs with a birthday cake. In the event your daughter wanted to to get paid again, your job to teach her not everything is transactional. If aunt Rose who is an expert in cake baking gives a cake its usually a gift cause its family. Teach her the joy of giving. Selling your " gift" to pay your daughter is borderline pettiness. R u sure selling the watch was about making a payment or is there something deeper here. Cause that act of yours is outside the norm and smack in the vindictiveness category. I sentence you to marriage counseling.
Didn’t read whole article but based on what I did here’s my opinion. It was her step dads birthday and she baked him a cake, why should he pay for the birthday? That was kind of his step daughter to make the cake but I don’t think he should have to pay for it.
Id immediately file divorce. What kind of sick household do they have? I guarantee the teen got a sweet 16 party, and she wasn't charged for the party... Im serious, Id divorce the woman. Try being a guy for 5 minutes. We basically get ZERO THANKS, for providing everything, rarely if ever get gifts of appreciation but women lose their minds if they arent constantly fawned over...and since this is a step daughter, you know damn well, Dad isn't a priority to Mom. I'd immediately walk, Garrison sized red flag. he is being used.
If the daughter is making professional-quality cakes, then I definitely understand charging for them (yes, even to family). Fancy cakes take a lot of time and money to create, so of course she'd want compensation. But if she's pulling out a box cake mix and canned frosting and expecting to be payed,, ehhh... Either way, if mom wanted her daughter to be payed, she should have been the one to do it. Who makes someone buy their own bday cake ?? 😭
Why is this even an issue? I may be old school, but seriously who pays for their OWN birthday cake?! That makes about as much sense as wiping your butt before you poop. YTA.
Something seem really off, besides the lousy relationship between the husband and wife. The wife can't pay for the cake as a birthday gift to the husband? The child can't give the cake as a birthday gift to the husband? So many days went past after eating the cake that she didn't give him the watch yet still but she had time to return it. She was hanging onto it after the cake was eaten and the birthday was celebrated that then she returned it? It's all kind of odd. Especially the relationship itself.
Just like the girl I was the one always baking in the family. Was an unspoken rule basically that I do the birthday cakes. Parents, brother, nieces and nephews, etc but I never once expected them to pay me for their birthday cake. You make a cake for someone out of love, not to get paid.
This woman is an AH. She just told her husband, he doesn't count. His bday doesnt count. The only one who does is her precious daughter. Her daughter comes first. Heaven forbid if her daughter does something for free for a family member. No one but no one pays for their cake on their bday. She will find that out soon when her bday isn't celebrated. No cake or presents for her. Mom is a petty b*@tch. And she won't have to worry, bc she might be paying for everything soon after a divorce. Teach your daughter to be selfless and make a cake for a family member. The ingredients arent that expensive. Shes not a professional baker. She could bake a cake for someone else and get paid. Why is she so selfish to PUNISH her husband? What a miserable person. And it sets up a horrible dynamic in the house. Mom's got a serious horrible guilt trip about her kid. Wait till her non birthday.
Obviously it's after the birthday, so she gave him a watch then took from him, took back to store, paid daughter & kept the difference. So husband got NOTHING. I guess need more info like how long been married, is real father in life. No way would I pay for my own cake. I crochet baby blankets but do not charge family
ESH. As someone who has baked cakes and such for a little extra cash, I appreciate that the mom wanted the baker to be compensated, especially if it was a normal thing in the family. HOWEVER, daughter should have made it clear to the one who requested her services that she expected to be paid for her work. If he still refused she should have made the choice to either not bake it, or make the cake as a gift. Also, step-dad should not have made the assumption that he was entitled to his stepdaughter's work just because he is family. Mom should have let her daughter fight her own battle, and not involved herself; if anything she should have put her foot down on the matter and either insisted he pay up or daughter not bake.
Could have paid her without selling the gift, yta. I 100% agree she should be paid, 100% disagree he should pay for it. The mother here should pay for it, or they could have made it together and presented him with it and the watch. But since she was asked, mommy you should pay her for her work so she gets paid as the professional she is, and dad doesn't pay for his own damn cake. What makes her the ah is the returned gift, no need for that like wtf.
Lot of parts that don't quite add up. Step Daughter does baking for select people for profit-maybe to avoid issues with licenses? Husband and wife agreed to a payment which husband planned not to pay? Let's cut it right down to bottom lines. Most people don't expect to pay for their own birthday parties, someone usually gifts that to them. Presumably he wanted a cake by agreeing to having one (leaving whom the wife paid to get said cake out of it). It's her gift to him and if she felt that was enough then that covers his gift. Sure it's petty but that seems to be in abundance between the married couple.
Why should a 16 year old have to be paid to bake her step father a cake? And why should her step father have to buy his own birthday cake?? What the h*'ll kind of family dynamic IS this? This is so ridiculous that I'm inclined to think this is a fake post. OP and daughter are both the AH. Daughter for "expecting" to be paid for making a cake for a family member. (Yes, even tho he's her SF, still a family member) Mom for supporting this "cake for pay" scheme. There's more going on here than a cake. Something strange going on in this household.
When I was younger I wouldn’t speak up for myself, so I understand the young lady not speaking up but I think the mother is correct he should have paid not told the mother to do it, but I don’t think this marriage is going last, it seems there is a lot of resentment.
Mom sucks and she's also teaching her daughter to be as greedy as her. Familial relationships aren't transactional. I would never provide a gift or service for a family member and insist on getting paid for it. If the family member insisted I might suggest helping with the cost of materials if they felt the need to, but it wouldn't be necessary. This woman is the AH and is teaching her daughter to also be an AH.
When I read this, the first thing I have in my mind is 'I don't understand white people.' Pay for his own birthday cake? Are you kidding me? You're an a*****e mom, without question.
It's not white people in white and any white person I know would never act like this. This is just people who always feel entitled to everyone else's money and don't know how to give a little. They just take take take. Unfortunately, that's being taught to the younger generations more and more. Mom is definitely the a*****e and so is her daughter
Load More Replies... Husband is acting like a bit of a jerk, but I'm still on his side with this one, even though I don't agree with his attitude. It's his birthday, he shouldn't have to pay for his own cake. That's like taking a friend/relative out to lunch for their birthday and expecting them to pay their share. He may be acting a bit childish, but it doesn't make him wrong.
Considering how controlling OP seems to be, I wonder if he really agreed to pay for the cake or she interpreted something else that way. I have a habit of saying "ok" as an acknowledgement, and I know some people take that as agreement. I wonder if something similar happened here.
They are both right and wrong at the same time. Don‘t have enough time to elaborate, but that‘s my opinion.
He shouldn't have lied about paying his daughter, that's infuriating and straight up wrong. OP is a bit of a helicopter mom, stepping in and demanding payment for her daughter's work, but she did it in her daughter's stead. She then proceeded to overreact and sell his birthday gift so SHE could pay her. I don't think there's anything wrong with either parent paying for it (though again, dad lying about it was messed up). OP could've paid her daughter any number of given ways, but she actively went out of her way to return something SHE bought HIM to do so. That's not just petty, that's spiteful. And then she goes to specify that her daughter didn't even want payment.
Load More Replies... ESH to some degree (hubby shouldn't have said to OP he'd pay then didn't, daughter shouldn't have told mom she wanted stepdad to pay but failed to actually speak with stepdad about it) but OP is definitely the a*****e for taking back a gift after it was given. Yes, ingredients are increasingly expensive these days, so a multi-layered and/or decorated cake can be a costly gift, more than daughter might have spent/been able to afford otherwise. But as best as I can work out, the baking ingredients are funded through OP - when asked if daughter spent her own money to make the cake, the response was 'yes, what she gets from me'. Sounds like the daughter wasn't spending her own money or profits from previous bakes on this cake, and daughter's only costs were time - that baking time/skill could have been her gift. And there is nothing to suggest hubby specified the type/size/style cake, or that it was a showstopper for a big party that might have increased her work/effort on the cake.
I don't think you're in the wrong you didn't make this decision lightly you felt she deserved the pay I'm sure you discussed with him and he agreed upon everyone saying you're the a**hole are the a**holes becitbey obviously never been in a situation like this and they aren't even asking the right questions just judging....NOT THE A**HOLE you did what you felt was right and I'm 100% sure you were making a point and you made it....stand firm don't explain yourself to anyone anymore that's the problem things get lost in translation because they didn't and don't feel what you did and do over the situation especially during the decision making process ..... Nothing wrong with anyone paying for work well done and those that said who pays for their birthday cake (a person that said they would or got their own cake DUHHH)! Stay bless I repeat NOT THE A**HOLE!!!
NTA. OP's husband knew exactly what his daughter was like. He knew she would make the cake and expected to be compensated for it. The father is an AH for this, she's sixteen and learning to be an entrepreneur. He's a d**k.
Wow -- what a messed up family! OP is definitely an AH for expecting husband to pay for his own birthday cake, and then to sell the gift she bought him in retaliation for him not paying? Who does that?? Her daughter is an AH for expecting payment for baking a birthday cake for stepdad. Sometimes we just do things for family..That should have been her gift especially since OP paid for ingredients. But it's OP's fault that her daughter is an AH. She learned from mom. Stepdad is an AH for telling family and friends about this. Deal with this family stuff at home without bringing others into it. This is one sad family.
This is nearing the bottom of the downward vortex of capitalism: where having already created diversionary division within society between faiths, sexualities, genders, bodily autonomists and state vessels, black and white, haves and have-nots, early (European) immigrants and recent (darker-skinned) immigrants, climate change deniers and gun controllers.... Now we have families paying for their own gifts or unhealable rifts occur with chasms forming out of habit for polarisation over every issue because everything has to be black and white in Capitalismland. Profit and Loss, good vs evil. Nuance has been lost along with reason, compassion, love.
Daughter is young and needs to learn to speak up but I also cannot imagine charging my parent to make a cake when I don't even pay for the supplies. Close family, I RARELY charge...all dependent upon the occasion (ex: my sis will order for work or an event). Most times, the cake is my gift of thats what they want. Otherwise, I charge but might just charge ingredients. Also agree that this is a small burr in a much larger issue in the marriage. I mean, how much did OP pay the daughter to make a cake with ingredients she didn't buy and utilities she doesn't pay for? Then OP kept the rest of the money? She couldn't have gone and bought a smaller gift? She's the A-hole all the way around without question but damn.
Everybody's missing the part where OP clearly says that family members/friends DO regularly pay for custom cakes. Sure this may be unusual, but the norms of this particular family have to be taken into account! The husband shouldn't have agreed to honor the custom of paying for the cake if he had no intention to do so, he could've talked to his daughter about it, or asked his wife to buy a cake for him as a surprise. And the wife definitely overreacted, having a conversation between the three of them (including the daughter) would've been the right move first.
But do they pay for their OWN cakes, or do they order cakes for other people? Very unusual to be expected to pay for your own birthday cake
Load More Replies... The husband asked the daughter to make a cake, knowing that she owns a cake making business. It's beside the point that her business is small and new. It doesn't matter if it is your birthday or not, a bakery is not going to do it for free. The husband should not have assumed it would be for free. The wife did not ask for the service, the daughter didn't offer the service. Husband is the a****le for assuming he gets something for free just because he was born. A good father would help his daughter's business grow. I make cakes for my family. I don't charge for the labor, only the supplies. Which is still around $60-$100, depending on size and level of decoration. And it can take a full day of work to complete. People don't realize the level of work cake making and decorating can be. He is being disrespectful. He shouldn't have asked, if he didn't want to pay.
So...I guess you skimmed over the part where OP says that her daughter didn't want or expect to get paid?
Load More Replies... If the daughter is making a small business out of baking, and he basically orders a cake, then hell yes he should pay for it. Who orders their own cake anyways? Asking for a cake from a working baker and expecting it to be given as a gift just strikes me as kinda narcissistic. It'd be one thing if the girl made the cake of her own volition, but he specifically requested one. A 'gift' cannot be demanded. So he's TA there. On the other hand, selling his birthday gift does strike me as kind of a petty revenge. Really, the daughter is the only NTA here.
The daughter isn't pursuing a career in baking, she (and her mom) are extorting money from relatives by pushing baked goods on them. The telling detail is that her only customers are family. If she were any good, she'd have other customers by now. Not just put-upon relatives.
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