‘He Insisted I Pay’: Husband Loses It When Wife Only Pays For Her Own Meal After Big Family Celebratory Dinner That He Organized
Long-term relationships are hard. It can be really difficult to live with someone day in, day out. If you don’t want your bond to disintegrate, the both of you have to cooperate, negotiate, communicate, and connect every single day. Add a kid or two into the mix and things get even more interesting.
Studies show that aside from sex, money is the next big thing married couples fight about. And sadly, Reddit user Valley-Mountains3453 has just got a taste of it.
Even though she and her husband were clear on keeping their finances separate, a big fight broke out between the two after the woman refused to pay for her partner’s and his family’s bills at a restaurant.
What you want to spend money on (and when) reveals critical things about your values and priorities, so a conflict like this doesn’t sound too crazy. If you’ve just started dating. But Valley-Mountains3453 thought she and her husband were past that.
After they couldn’t work it out, she turned to the “Am I the A***ole?” community, asking them for an outsider’s opinion on what had happened.
A couple who lived with separate finances for years have just had a huge fight over a restaurant bill
Image credits: Davey Gravy (not the actual photo)
And it looks like they aren’t resolving the issue any time soon
According to data from a 2021 study of 1,713 couples conducted by Fidelity, roughly 40% of couples who live together don’t know how much their partner makes.
These results came despite 71% of respondents saying they communicate “very well” with their other half, and 25% saying they communicate about money “exceptionally well.”
So it seems that many couples are hesitant to have full, honest discussions about money. “Life is busy and people don’t necessarily take the time to talk about their finances,” Stacey Watson, senior vice president of Life Event Planning at Fidelity, told CNBC Make It. “Money can be an uncomfortable topic.”
And it is to many. 44% of participants reported that they argue about money with their spouse occasionally, while 20% said money is actually their biggest relationship challenge.
According to Shannon McLay, founder and CEO of The Financial Gym, shame is often the factor that keeps people from being forthcoming with their partner, whether it be about how much money they make or the amount of debt they have.
“People are more comfortable getting physically naked with somebody than financially naked,” McLay noted. “We’ve seen couples who have been married for years, who have children, and don’t know about each [other’s finances].” If that is the case, it’s usually just a matter of time before they end up in a similar situation.
Experts at the National Bank of Canada agree. The 50/50 split works when both people are making more or less the same. But if there is a significant salary gap between them, the distribution of expenses is more balanced if each contributes proportionally to their income.
The equation is really simple too: all you have to do is calculate what percentage of total household income is earned by each person and then apply this percentage to the total monthly budget.
Let’s take this hypothetical situation as an example: one of the spouses earns $75,000 per year and the other $25,000. The monthly household budget is $5,000. How do they allocate the expenses? The spouse who earns $75,000 transfers $3,750 to the joint account (or 75% of $5,000) and the other transfers the remaining $1,250 (25% of $5,000). Thus, each partner is contributing to shared expenses in relation to their financial capacity.
There are many different kinds of conversations couples can have about money, but many limit themselves to only discussing basic financial decisions like how much they spend on vacations or their children’s education. But it’s all about context. The bigger picture.
“There’s a difference between making financial purchase decisions and sharing financial details,” McLay highlighted. “It’s great that you can have those conversations about purchases, but if you don’t know the digits, then you’re making decisions from a flawed perspective.”
As a starting point, McLay recommends that couples talk about their respective salaries, savings, credit scores, investments, and debt. She believes it’s crucial for couples to share information because it could be a major factor in larger decisions, such as taking out a loan or, like in our story, buying a house.
People thought the husband was out of his depth
And here I always thought that it was the role of the person making the invitation to pay. If I invite you to a meal I'm going to pay for it, if you invite me then you're going to pay for it. The exceptions are discussed ahead of time because we're adults capable of talking to one another.
The whole situation is idiotic. Using his logic, why didn't his parents pay?
Because they were guests... Just like wife, but he forgot that part.
Load More Replies...
I have never read a positive story on couples who unite every part of their lives except finances. Either be all in, or don't bother, because it just doesn't work.
It does not have to be black and white. Two partners have an account each to which they receive their salary and and a 3rd for bills, rent, mortgage, eating out cinema... It is important to be financially independent to some degree in case something happens (doesn't have to be separation, any event where one partner is suddenly no longer legally competend, but certain monetary decision or transactions still need the two parties).
Load More Replies...
If this guy is reading the comments in the AITA thread and laughing them off, I'd LOVE to hear him retell the story in AITA from his perspective and see how that works out for him. "It was a celebration of my bonus so SHE should've paid for everyone!!"
He was inviting people to celebrate a bonus he hadn't actually received yet? Yikes.
He sounds like an idiot. Ooh I gotta bonus let's go to dinner everybody! Oh wait, I don't actually have the money yet. You pay for it honey, I might even pay you back! He's definitely the a*****e and so is his family for not seeing that he should never invited everyone out without having the money first. Plus, doesn't he have a credit card he could've used and avoided this whole thing? Geez..
The last thing this guy needs is a credit card. If he does have one it's probably maxed from the last time he was going to get a bonus and then something happened.
Load More Replies...
LOL why would you go out and celebrate a bonus? That seems like a good way to waste said bonus. besides this, your husband seems like a real a$$ wipe. I mean he decided to throw a celebration and then just springs it on you at the end to pay the bill is low class. This is something that should have been discussed before, suddenly telling someone to pay a hefty restaurant bill out of nowhere is setting a trap and that never goes well.
Besides the issue at hand (IMHO he invited so he should pay), it sounds more like a roommate situation than a marriage. I'm all for financial independence in a partnership but here it feels like it's part of bigger problems, like not communicating and the need to feel superior. I don't know, just doesn't feel like a good partnership.
If you planned a fancy dinner and invited everyone to it, you are the host. And most would expect the host to pay. Or it be discussed before commiting to the event. He was rude to expect her to pay for all of it when he picked the place and invited the people. He should have brought it up before leaving the house. A discussion of splitting the bill or everyone will pay their way was never mentioned. I would have paid for it and kept the bill for him to pay off. Maybe just get out of this relationship because money isn't everything but he thinks it is.
He should have brought it up long before leaving the house. He should have brought it up before making the invitations—-hell, before even planning the whole damned thing! Especially considering the fact that he didn’t even have the bonus money securely in hand yet. So he’s the one who jumped the gun on celebrating. I’m 61, and have been working since I was 19. In my 42 years’ experience with both full and part time employment (sometimes a combination of both when I needed extra cash), I can’t tell you how many promised bonuses (sometimes my own, sometimes my coworkers’) I know of that ended up being way less than the promised amount, how many bonus checks I know of that bounced, and how many bonus checks I know of that never materialized. I’ve even personally had a boss, from one of my extra part time jobs, go out of town and f*****g FORGET to PAY his employees that Friday!!! If it can happen with a paycheck, it sure as hell can happen with a bonus.
Load More Replies...
I've been married 14 years - our finances are combined, but right now i'm the only steady income earner and I take care of all the bills (he hates the paperwork.) We went to dinner recently with his brother & sister-in-law and father & step-mom and our kids. Waitress asks if it'll be separate checks, husband says "one check" and indicates he'll take it. Pays for the whole family (multiple birthdays recently, he wanted to be nice.) Now technically, since he hasn't received a paycheck in a while, it's technically me who is paying for it. You know what I said? "Oh, Okay, that's very generous of you!" Handed over MY credit card (i get more reward points) and end of story. No fight, no drama. These two in the post don't sound like they're on the same page.
Wouldn't you prefer he run it past you? My husband has a job and we are okay financially, but this would have been discussed beforehand, especially with a large bill.
Load More Replies...
Me and my missus generally take it in turns, but no one is going to have a hissy fit if one of us goes out of turn. There always seems to be a little more to the background to these sorts of marital row...... I mean, if you're madly in love with your spouse you don't act like these two - You do when there's' already problems and niggles and they've got to the stage where resentment is festering.
Unless discussed and mutually agreed upon in advance, the inviter always pays, period. Are you his wife or his mom? This manchild acts as if you owe him an allowance! I would rethink this relationship in its entirety. He is attempting to financially use and abuse you. I would highly recommend you run a free annual credit check on yourself to make sure there are no accounts listed with your name attached that you are unaware of.
He seems controlling and his narcissism is starting to show. I can’t rationalize his way of thinking he can invite ppl to celebrate him and tell her it’s her duty to pay last minute. Narcissist can work on you so slowly that you don’t realize what’s going on, like when she said they have been arguing about things but didn’t realize the severity, he’s breaking her slowly.
NTA. He now learns a lessons about boundaries and assuming. I once had something like this with a boyfriend 20 years ago. We went to a festival and suddenly he supprised me with a Marilyn Manson sweater. I said: "Thanks how sweet of you". At home he said: "By the way, you still owe me 25 euros". I said: "What? For what?". "For the sweater", he replied. I said: "How so? I thought it was a gift? I did not ask you to buy that for me." He replied with I should not assume it was a gift, he thought he was nice to me for buying me a sweater, on my money!! I said: "I'm not gonna pay it, you decided to so called suprise me, but I'm still boss of my own wallet, you understand? If I wanted a sweater, I would have bought it myself." He went into a fit but I stoically stand my ground. He learned and after that day did not mention it again. He knew I was right. Who the hell are people to decide over other peoples money?
Promised bonuses sometimes do not materialize. So he should’ve waited until the money was actually IN his bank account (and was the promised amount too, since bonuses are also sometimes shorted), so HE could pay for it—-and, most importantly, discussed it with his wife—-BEFORE announcing it so publicly and celebrating so expensively. I actually wonder if he even had any money in his account. He could be blowing through his paychecks and be totally broke, either buying loads of big ticket items that are only for himself, or gambling, or other women, or drugs, or something else that’s expensive that he hasn’t told his wife about. That bonus is also probably going to disappear fast as well.
Oh yes, I have seen this type before. He’s convinced you are a gold digger and therefore, you have to prove over and over you are not by paying for everything to his benefit. Generally, guys like this don’t have that much gold to dig. He’s continually conducting these little tests without telling you so you show him that you aren’t after his money. You can recognize this guy on a first date because he “forgets” his wallet so you pay but it’s a really a test If you pass the test, he’ll date you - a guy actually told me this after a few dates and was surprised when I dumped him on the spot. Anyway, this type of financial disagreement doesn’t get better - I think you are headed for divorce.
NTA. These 'little arguments' are where arguments shouldn't be happening at all. He expects you to serve him like his mommy does, and if mommy was blowing up your phone, then mommy still wipes his a**e and fights his battles for him. Why did you marry this man? How old is he? 20? He sounds incredibly needy, self centered, controlling and disrespectful. You should just cut and run and find a man who won't treat you like his financial doormat. What an utter loser child of a man.
Cheapizoids always use the same tactics. Its the use of deceit to corner people in a public setting then taking what's good about them and using it against them; i.e., most people want to be good guys, team players, not ungenerous to those around them. The cheap use vague language to get people in a public place and then spring the trap while they're under group pressure and a bright social spotlight. It works a lot! These cheapskate stories all share the same pivotal moments.
add my name to the list of people who don't get why these two are married. But also the person who invites is the one who pays
Why are people like this in relationships? These two shouldn't even be in one. I understand having your own money and all but these completely unshared finances to the point of meanness is so weird. Why can't you have a combined account that you both put equitable amounts in and pay everything from that and then the rest is your individual money until you have kids bc then it becomes even more complicated. My husband and I have 4 different accounts that we pay different things through but we have access to all of it we also get notices on our phone whenever they are accessed. Be partners ffs. Of course it's very different if you're stuck in an abusive relationship
My partners always had access to my pay. My current lady knows every penny. We talk about what we buy and how much we spend. Seperate accounts but shared talking. I remove spending cash for coffee etc. She does the same. The rest we discuss. My view is its only money and sure not gonna fight over money. I have a place to live and food to eat. The rest is just a bonus and not worth a fight.
Load More Replies...
I honestly don't understand why people get married and keep finances separate. If you're thinking that way, don't get married.
Nta . But that being said there are way too many issues here to even address, but here's a few. 1. He invites people, either he pays or everyone pays own way. 2. Not discussing any of this before meeting at resteraunt or before just assuming you to pay is bad form, bad manners, just rude and inconsiderate. 3. I personally would not stay in this relationship, from the outside it seems hostile, volatile and unhealthy. I would never do this to my wife, and we always discuss things like this BEFORE we make the plans. Lot a huge red flags here. I.m.h.o. You have some decisions to make. Good luck with whatever you decide.
IT'S EVERYONE PAYS THEIR OWN WAY. MEETING AT THE RESTAURANT.
Load More Replies... 
I think this marriage is doomed. This is a tacky, grasping family and it will only get worse.
Even stranger than keeping separate finances is one spouse "inviting" the other to a celebratory dinner with family and you going as just another guest. What kind of a relationship is this? They sound like a couple who have a marriage certificate in a drawer somewhere but otherwise act as roommates who aren't that fond of each other.
They don't like each other, do they? What a waste of time. Why or how they are atill together is beyond me.
I sure wouldn't like my wife either if she pulled that number on me! A fight is a fight~~we're all angling for a breakup. She stood up to his BS and is continuing to do so. If *HE* wants to stay married, I suggest he apologize to her and stop crying to his Mommy.
Load More Replies...
Plenty of higher income couples keep their finances separate and use prenuptial agreements to keep divorces from becoming messy. This is not an uncommon practice and works well for a lot of power couples. This, however, is not apparently the situation. This is just one financially incompatible couple. Maybe see a financial advisor or get some marriage counseling if you're in this position?
They're not married, they are cohabitating. The simple solution is to combine their finances. Solves the whole argument over who pays for what.you both discuss it and if you agree to go out, it comes out of the combined finances. No more argument. Separate finances shows that you had reservations about being married in the first place.
"Husband Loses It When Wife Only Pays For Her Own Meal" indicates a married couple.
Load More Replies...
"I assumed you would pay for it" You assumed wrong. Next time ask instead and you'll get the correct answer. He needed to learn a.lesson about boundaries but it doesn't sound like it's going to sink in. Everyone should have just paid for themselves. Sounds like a highly dysfunctional family without any conflict resolution skills.
He planned and invited. So he should’ve paid. But you guys have deeper issues you should really look into. Small things under $50 do add up so don’t let that pass up. You really need to communicate better and deeply discuss your finances at a different level if you want your marriage to work. I’ve been married 20 years. My husband and I split house responsibilities but maintain separate bank accounts. And if he wanted to take his entire family to dinner I wouldn’t be the one paying. That’s for sure.
I get having separate finances, my parents have for their entire 45+year marriage and have only had one disagreement about money, according to my mother. I will say when we have family dinners, even if it's my brother and I who invited our parents, my dad insists on paying. He's just like that 🤷♀️
You can always keep your finances separate but for the love of God, you should also have a Couples/Marriage Fund that both of you can use for such occasions.
i think u guys should never even get married , u both love ur money more than each other
My husband and I have been married nearly 33 years. We combined our finances and my husband has always made more. I make between 15% to 30% his salary. He is a doctor & Im a teacher. Our finances are combined and started the day we were married. During the "salad" days of our marriage...nobody made a purchase purchase over $50 for anything! He takes care of looking out for long term management of our retirement. I take care of looking out for the mortgage and all other bills. We both are good money managers. We set up an allowance for each. We communicate regularly about impending expenses...new tires for the camper ect. We have argued about money 2 times. We made babies together. You can't manage money well w/o discussing goals for retirement, goals to pay off mortgage early. We also only had one car payment but I like to travel so I drive my cars much longer. Still communication is key! Its rude to invite guests & not prepare spouse for the impending expense.
Lol they are divorced the just don’t know it yet. Separate. Lol. I make piles of money. My wife gets half. She stays home but puts in the same hours I do. I make her coffee every morning so she doesn’t have to. When I. See crap like this I am glad. I don’t act like a child like they do. It’s about what I give not what I get.
Juvenile antics? She placed her boundary and kept it there, that's maturity. And he said he might pay her back, forgetting a wallet is one thing, politely asking someone to pay cause you done goofed is one thing, forcing her in a position and then making her feel bad (or attempting to), and continuing the drama is..... Wow he's lame, divorce him and put him in a situation where he pays for your new house to live in away from his pethetic ass.
This "man" sounds like an en TF itled of abusive, manipulative, gaslighting leech. I suspect he hits you, & if he has not yet, he will (& SA, as well). My advice is to please, blessed get out, & do NOT make babies with this freak. In my opinion.
This dinner should have never happened. If finances are that tight, that a $50 cable/internet bill can be an issue, no one here is financially secure enough to pay for an entire dinner for a whoe family.. .plus, bonuses get taxed heavy, where I'm at. . As with the entire marriage, things should be discussed a head of time, especially if someone needs to help out, .. Whats the point of being married again?
I don't understand that a couple keep finances separate. Even more so, I don't understand a husband who expects his wife to pay, when he has money.
This is exactly why you keep separate finances, because someone will ultimately make a very bad decision, and you must protect yourself. I don't understand how people are not seeing this.
Load More Replies...
The finances are just a red flag. Don't wait for his family to go sutee on you. Your husband is a predator. You manage your finances better, and this sociopath wants to dominate you over it. Run away!
Hoping y’all work it out. Some peoples husbands take care of them and don’t nickel and dime them. There is no such thing as 50/50. I hope you feel you deserve more
My husband and I had joint and individual accts. He passed suddenly and despite being in a joint survivorship state because my name was not on 3 of his accounts and he had failed to list a beneficiary, I was locked out of that money...which was a tragedy because before he died he had removed thousands to one of his accounts to save for paying taxes. (He did it each year). Be sure your name is listed as the beneficiary on all accounts of your spouse and if they own an llc, be sure you are listed as the acct beneficiary or you must go through probate. Now I had to scramble to find the money for our taxes and his money is still locked up.
So he planned the celebration and invited people, but expected someone else to pay? Even worse, he didn't discuss it with her beforehand and caused a very awkward situation. He's lucky his wife even paid for what she ate, seeing as he should've paid for everything himself since it was his idea. He sounds like a jerk.
OMGosh - My husband & I are coming up on our 30th anniversary. We don't fight about money... It's all "ours" no matter who earned it. The exception? Money inherited from relatives stays separate, unless it is specifically gifted to the other. We married for better/ worse/ richer/ poorer etc. and it works. There's no his or hers, it's all ours (But given your arrangements, you're definitely NTA. His party, his invitees, his family, so it's HIS bill.)
I have read enough! (Not all). Quit arguing, kick him OUT! I don't know him, but already dislike this creep. What is he, a Gigolo? His family is no better. RUN, you will be forever miserable. He invited - it is his duty, and obligation to pay. Oh, boy, he has certainly shown his colours. A weed with no balls. Eughhh
Alert! Manipulative narcissist detected! The leap of logic, the reverse accusations instead of empathy. As one commentator said, "why are you still married?'
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO 50/50. WHATS THE POINT? IN BEING MARRIED IF YOUR SEPARATE THEN EVERYTHING IS SEPARATE EXCEPT IN HIS MIND HE SEEMS TO ME TO BE A SELF CENTERED JERK AND SCREW HIS FAMILY OPINIONS THEY DONT PAY THE BILLS AND SHE DIDNT MARRY THE WHOLE DAM FAMILY ! MOMMY WOULD BE PUNCHED IN THE NOSE ! AND POSTING WHAT SHE DID HE GOT MAD BECAUSE HES NOT A BIG BOY HE NEEDS MOMMY TO HOLD HIS PEE PEE AND WIPE HIS BUTT NOT UNLESS HIS WIFE WOULD BEND AND THINK SHES THE SLAVE
Hi, this is my first time on this platform. Insightful perspectives! I was shocked by the husband's micro-aggressive resentment of the wife earning more than he does. It was also stated that he hadn't actually received the bonus yet😳. Why have a costly dinner before you know how much of your bonus will be left over--if any? What am I missing?
Def AITA. It's not even about the money, or who's paycheck is bigger. First of all, he's just assuming you got the money and expect you to cover his bill without discussing with you first. That's strike one. Then, he intentionally made it seems like he's going to pay. He's the one that want to celebrate. He invited his family, he pick the place, the food. Strike two. And then at the end of it, he put you in the spotlight by suddenly asking you to pay in front of his family. Intentionally backing you into a corner so that you cover his bill wether you like it or not. And that's the last strike. What an a*****e. Divorce his ass.
I am going to try to forgo my old fashioned thinking before answering this (otherwise he would be torn into little shreds). That only leaves me one comment I can make which is that it all became obvious as to how he “became” so twisted when you mentioned that his mom and family faulted you - not him. Yeesh. Bad home training.
NTA----Let's get a few things "out on the table" so to speak (pardon the pun). He made a dinner reservation, including choosing the food and drinks, to celebrate his success with his family members and then expects you to foot the bill without speaking to you privately about this beforehand and instead springing it on you in front of an audience, his family nonetheless, at the last minute? Charming. Remember the old adage, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree(read his mother). Please, I implore of you to not have children with this man; you will end up trying to raise a child emotionally alone while continuing to tolerate the child you already live with.
I can't even imagine being in a relationship like this. He's clear cut taking advantage of you and resents you making more money than him. He is not showing you any type of respect. And it sounds like a whole lot of projecting on his part. Not to mention it seems like the whole family wants to take advantage of you. He's obviously in the wrong here and he's only going to get worse. You sound like a nice person. You need to cut your losses and find another nice person who respects you.
Honestly I laughed whilst reading this. I salute this woman for having the courage to stand her ground and leave. As she should. Who does he and his family think they are. What a joke. If you had the testicles to look for a restaurant and call the whole family to come and eat for free, then you should also have the testicles to pay for your bill and your family's. And in relation to his family guilt tripping the lady for standing her ground is somewhat appaling. What the hell. I I would be embarrassed if my son invited me for dinner and then asked someone else to pay the bill. This is clearly the men's fault, so if anyone should be blamed is him. Anyways it sounds like there are a few communication issues between you. Kisses on the cheeks.
NTA! How asinine of him!!! If the money is already separate, then the bonus is not going to benefit both... so why would the one who is not going to benefit offer to foot the bill for the others entire family? It's not like it was a promotion... He is purposely gaslighting you, unless he is truly that ignorant?
Lol. This is entrapment. It is the worst sin you can commit in a marriage. If I was the lady, I would not even pay for my meal. He is so silly to think it would fly. Now that we have quarreled, what is the way forward? I would propose silence
Today, my husband and I celebrated 39 years of marriage. Most of those years were while in the USAF as active duty veterans. I’m concerned for this couple, perhaps there could be an argument for shared accounts but we’ve NEVER felt that way. And for me, it would be like we can only share a portion of our finances with each other, then I can’t share ALL of my body with you either. There’s no way this marriage is working with 100% trust in each other and it shall fail eventually. And oh, he desires to look more wealthy to his family than he is! Drinking Champaign on a kook-aid budget. It was all about his image that night at dinner!
Run girl divorce him. You mentioned him trying to do this with different things before it sounds like you are his atm and his family thinks that you should be. That he can just ask and get your money. Sorry but that's not how a marriage or a long term partnership without marriage should be. Even if you have your money together or not you shouldn't be used like an ATM they should ask about doing bigger things like this and if you are willing to pay or if they should or even if you actually need to do something or get something.
This guy AND his fam r out their minds! None of his "come backs" 2 people commenting r relevent AT ALL. HE is the 1 who organized this & invited everyone! + u never ASSUME someone is gonna pay WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT b4 ur literally at the table lookin at the bill! Wat a horrible spot 2 put ur spouse in! Its like hes TRYING 2 make her look bad! ANY normal person wouldve ASSUMED, if hes sayin assuming is ok, that HE is the 1 paying if hes the 1 gettin a bonus & planning it! And no, he didnt 4get his wallet so that's a diff situation alltogether. Its the fact he ordered her 2 pay, didnt ask, also HE caused a scene by puttin her on the spot w/o prior discussion! How do u do that 2 ur spouse!? Wat a d**k. And who makes more is also irrelevent! If u don't wanna spend that much cuz u dont make as much DONT PLAN AN EXPENSIVE EVENT! 2 me seems like he has issues making less than her, as a man. Therapy needed!
It sounds like he's really bad with money. If you can't afford to take your family to dinner before you get the bonus then you can't afford it after the bonus.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. I have my own banking. He has his own banking. We each have acceß to each others banking credentials for transferring money, paying bills etc without question or mistrust. House is in his name. Lake house is my name, cars in my name, utilities and subscriptions are in his name. We never kept score or tabs on who pays what. We both travel extensively for work for weeks at a time so whomever is at home is usually the one who makes payments just out of ease and convienance. Only major rule we have is that any single purchase or transfer of $1,000 or more requires a conversation just for an awareneß. It surprises me on the number of married couples that your money is yours and my money is mine attitude. Acts more like roommates more than married couples.
This is just a bad relationship. It sounds like both partners have issues. It’s only an assumption, but it sounds like the wife makes significantly more money, but is very cheap, and the husband makes very little money, and feels burdened by having to split 50/50 while living with someone making 4 times his income. Just end the relationship if you get along so poorly that it’s going to be a days long fight about who paid for dinner, regardless of who planned it.
This is way beyond money. The wife (who was not obligated by any means to pay) didn't give a care about her husband's inability to pay. Caring and respect are usually the main building blocks of a relationship and without those most can't stand. Honestly how many of us seeing a stranger on the street or even in a restaurant without the ability to pay would just walk away if we could afford without issue to help. Now imagine it being someone you cared about ( a sister, a best friend, a mother or even a partner). This woman said to someone she supposedly loves, so sad to bad, hope you figure it out and left him there. No love lost or sleep missed. Money must be really important to her because that husband is not
This sounds weird af. So many of these stories that pop up on these sites make no damn sense. You've been married three f****n' years and nothing like this has ever happened? That's f****n' weird to me. It seems like literally every single story I read on here either has to be either some big piece of information is missing it's purely made up. I just can't see it being as written.
It's weird enough for a married couple to keep finances separate. But okay, I get that it works for some. But even stranger is your spouse "inviting" you to a celebratory dinner with family and then you attend as just another guest. This sounds like two people who have a marriage certificate in a drawer somewhere but really are just roommates who don't like each other that much. And ditto that it's weird to celebrate a bonus like that. A promotion maybe, but a bonus is just money and it's crass to celebrate it publicly. These people seem really hung up on money.
No future in this relationship A failure to have a workable approach to finance from the start is fatal and potentially toxic.If you ever have kids, chances are that one parent will be impacted (often the Mother, but not always) due to child care. In that scenario, one spouse can become financially dominant and things can rapidly go from bad to much, much worse.
Wow. Please don't have children with this man. Both of you need to either divorce or find couples counselling. You both sound like you don't even like each other much. Even if you are keeping your finances separate, you should have a joint account where the monthly expenses are placed, agreed upon by both how much goes in from each. You both have issues in this marriage. But - where this particular situation is involved, your husband is the AH. If he expected you to pay, he should have mentioned it ahead of time, not at the table!
this type of behavior your boytoddler exhibits is SO cringe worthy. have you tried explaining your perspective to his family in a "please explain to your child how inconsiderate this is" fashion? im will to claim he gave a different biased, opinionated, and false version to his family to get them on his side for clout. there are SO many more wholesome, genuine people in the world than those who resort to this pathetic pettiness. MOVE ON. you sound like a strong intelligent person, i suggest that you find yourself someone who wants you enough that they would not allow such trifling shenanigans to interfere with the personal sanctity of an intimate relationship.
I was searching for loan to sort out my bills& debts, then I saw comments about Crown magic ATM Credit Cards that can be hacked to withdraw money from any ATM machines around you . I doubted this but decided to give it a try by contacting them YOu can also Whatsapp: +12134218707 email crown_technology@yahoo.com they responded with their guidelines on how the card works. I was assured that the card can withdraw $5,000 instant per day & was credited with $50,000 so i requested for one & paid the delivery fee to obtain the card, i was shock to see the UPS agent in my resident with a parcel{card} i signed and went back inside and confirmed the card work after the agent left. This is no doubt because I have the card & have made use of the card. These hackers are USA based hackers set out to help people with financial freedom!!
NTA... your partner planned, chose and invited. It's his responsibility to pay. He's the one making the scene, and he's the one being a juvenile. My husband said good on you for walking and you should consider walking permanently. Also, if you do, have a celebration and tell him to "take care of it"
I'm a pretty traditional guy so I'm going to pay for almost everything. In all past relationships I've paid for 100% of rent and all utilities. I'm happy to pay but no one is getting access to my primary bank account. It's my money and no one needs to see everything I purchase.
Well, this was just all sorts of dumb rolled up in a sushi roll. I still can't get over the fact that this guy thinks he deserves a child's birthday party for getting a bonus. I think my family would laugh at me if I wanted a celebration everytime I achieved something at work. I can't even imagine asking someone else to pay for said celebration unless it was their idea. The update part was just funny, because I already knew without saying that she makes more money than him. What a spoiled little boy. The fact his family agrees is proof he was raised that way, and never going to change. Run woman! That guy is out there.
The one who invited everyone should be ready to pay for it, not invited everyone then expected or assuming Ur other half to pay for u unless u guys already discussed beforehand.
I don't understand this whole "my money" "your money" thing. On your deathbed are you REALLY going to worry if the tally sheet balances? People are so selfish and paranoid and, frankly, weird. They will share a bed, house, children, car, but not cash. It's the family wealth. It benefits the family or there would be no family in my house. It doesn't matter where it comes from. Only that it came. And you arrange your lifestyle accordingly. Unless you plan separate entertainment, vacations, new appliances, new roofs, new cars, only on the resources of the least-able payer. And, what DOES the "majority earner" get to do with the overage? This, to me, is the ultimate in spousal abuse. "What's mine is mine. What's yours is half mine."
I don't get this whole "my money" "your money" thing. It's money. It's the family wealth. If you don't want to share then why are you together? Life is complicated enough without worrying about who makes what and what percentage of family life each is responsible for. And life is too short for such dumb squabbles. On your deathbed are you REALLY going to worry about if the tally sheet balances? People are way too selfish and paranoid and distrusting. If you don't trust the person you are with maybe you shouldn't be together. I find it strange that money is more intimidating than falling into bed with the first person you see.
The lesson to learn from this is: don't keep finances separate if you are married. Your being selfish and that does not jive in a marriage. Marriage is 50/50. You get what u put in
If you're married why are the finances separate? Why should it be an issue to pay for the meal? I don't get it....
Sis I love the stance you took. You did a very brave thing. He tried to play you out. If I want to celebrate you let ME, celebrate you. Ask to take you out etc. This spouse has an ego problem. And I would gather you manage your money better which really grinds his gears too. The reflex for me for sure is how he demanded that she pay this bill no husband should be speaking to his wife like that and also the family calling her that's none of your business if you guys are so congratulatory towards your son well then ya'll f****** pay the bill.
Well. I am a bit old for this. My husbands (been widowed 3x) and I always shared our finances so this idea of separate money/lives/vacations/interests is a different mindset from the old school way. That said, this read was troubling to me. SHE is NTA but she does appear to be a bit myopic and blind. It sounds like this guy comes from a toxic family of users. He justifies himself taking advantage of his wife and his family justifies also riding his user coattails to also take advantage of her. I AGREE with the posters who say this is much bigger than finances. There is a problem with communication, respect, ,consideration and boundaries (by the in laws). These are crucial elements as a relationship ages, people lose their surface beauty, money situations change, and that restless urge sets in WITHOUT the infrastructure of respect, communication, boundaries and consideration, most marriages fail by year 7 -10.
You two obviously have more major problems than money. I always earned a lot more than my husband and I do mean a lot. Money was never an issue with us. If we went out we paid on one our combined cards. The money was never the issue. We loved each other. Nothing else mattered. We discussed everything we did. When I lost him 2 years ago I would have given every penny I had to have one more hour with him. Money does not buy love.
NTA Get a divorce lawyer. If that idiot thinks he can force you to cover for something like that (with a hefty suspicion of never paying you back), then he's not a husband. He's a live~in f**k buddy. Assess your overall situation~~I suspect your compatibility and marriage are both on the skids. Good Luck!
They shouldn't be married. They obviously don't like or even love each other.
Wow what the F? He got a bonus check yet he feels entitled to his wife paying for a celebration that he planned? And what is with "you're just bitter"? Bitter about what? Does he seriously think she's jealous of his bonus like this is some sort of competition? And guys family asked the same thing. Family full of Narcissists right there.
I'm sure he has 'plans' for that money that doesn't include his wife or the household.
Load More Replies...
Well she did the right thing he invited his family not her so why would she pay for them
This husband is pretentious and presumptuous to a fault. This type of celebration is done for a major event, like a promotion, new job etc. him planning it for a bonus is just for him to flex in front of his family, he's not angry that she didn't pay, he's angry that he couldn't back her into a corner and force her to pay, as he intended to do. His ego took a hit here, in front of his family. This is some next level manipulation and abuse, if I were her, I would run not walk out of this relationship, I'd love to know how he would fair on his own for a while.
I can't imagine being married with separate finances. I would be fine if we each had our own discretionary accounts. But we'd combine all money in a pool first, pay all bills, sock some money away, then evenly split for each person to do with as they would. I just can't imagine living as roommates with someone I was married to.
You don't need money, you need god ffs. You care too much on world materialistic, although money is important too, I see that both of you got OBSESSED with money, if it was me then sure fine, a small price to pay to make your partner and their family happy, sooner or later your partner will feel ashamed itself.
If he want you to pay for his celebration dinner, he should've said that to you before he invited his family. It doesn't matter who got the bigger paycheck. It's common sense. Plus the way he handled this disagreement seems like a red flag.
Mane eff him and his feelings tell him I said that. You go out invite your family run up the tab to celebrate yourself then try to drop the bill on your wife. He needs a whole clown suit.
Where I come from, it's the man's responsibility to foot the bill whether he invite his family or his wife invite her family to a celebration, it doesn't matter who is the celebrant.
Divorce the bastard you're dealing with a manipulative narcissistic prick. If you're going to stay and I suspect these entitled demands show up in other areas, hold your ground and maybe decide whose paying before he tries to guilt you for having dignity and boundaries.
Reminds me of the movie, The Joy Luck Club where the couple pay for their own grocery items. Husband got his wife a cat (I tjink) as a gift and then put the cat food etc on his wifes part of the split, but he bought ice cream that sge doesn't eat but expects her to pay for 1/2.
I love these articles. I wonder after reading the whole thing what his argument is.
The article along with this wasnt exactly surprising per se but 4 me I'm way more comfortable telling anyone, even strangers, how much money I make, down to the penny, than being naked in front of someone im dating. Altho the longest I've ever been with someone continuously (not off and on) was less than 2 yrs so maybe thats why. Also maybe it's cuz I'm always poor? Maybe people who make more than $16 per hr + tips (that was 9 yrs ago, last job I had was in 2020 & I made $12 ph cuz it was more worth it 2 make less so id qualify 4 medicaid & b able 2 SIT vs have 2 walk & run 12 hrs at a time) care more about people knowing what they make, I dunno.
NPD. You choose who you marry. Why are you surprised when they do actions typical to their behaviors. Thats like buying a tiger and getting mad when it eats your children
When you look back 30 years ago the man was main person with the money and considered all finances coming in his which includes wife's but times have changed. Where they split the bills, pay for their own meals, movies and so forth because one can make more or less but as to this situation he pays period. To put that on his wife's shoulders let alone in public place and in front of his family was wrong. He can be pissed off all he wants and suck it up he is totally to blame. Next time they go out maybe she can put in front of him divorce papers.
He was very wrong and put his wife in a precarious position..I would not ever trust him after his poor choices and divorce would definitely be on the table..He just assumed and did not ask before the celebration..His family just as bad if they agree he is right...
Yeah, that's not how marriage works, they obviously are not ready to cohabitate if they cannot share finances. Hope they get a divorce before they have kids.
Whew! Lots of red flags here and items you all need to work on. But let me cover the one you wrote and asked about. You don't invite people out, let them order whatever and then try to publicly bully your wife into paying. That is actually what he did here. If he thought you would want to celebrate him, he should have asked all that before setting up arrangements. Example, hey honey, I've received a big bonus, would you mind treating me and my family to dinner. That way, if you were agreeable to it, you could have placed the stipulations. You may have stated, I don't mind treating you to dinner. Or, I'll take you and 2 others, you pick. But you don't control every aspect of an event and expect someone else to pick up the tab at the last minute, I don't care what that person makes. That was public bullying at best.
His first mistake was not discussing and agreeing on details with his wife before planning anything. The fact that he didn't do that and then ambushed his wife in front of his family shows a lack of consideration. He sounds immature, shouldn't involve his family as his support squad to embarrass his wife. Sounds like there may be more wrong in the marriage than just that incident.
Somebody sounds emasculated that you make more money, he got his bragging opportunity, problem is it seems he was in way too big of a hurry to smash your face in the cake. I'm so proud you paid your own and left, I'm not sure I would've done that, he picked the food. Better start stocking up on money, I think you're going to need it in the near future.
Both are a holes he shouldn't have told her to pay, she should have been happy to celebrate his achievement. Bottom line imo both a holes
Seems to me that the relationship isn't worth it. I'd leave while the getting out is good.
ESH and yet another reason why splitting finances is stupid. Either marry someone you don't have to do that with or stay out of relationships.
WOW! Your husband is a real piece of work. I think what you did took a lot of nerve and more power to you!👍 It doesn't seem too surprising that he pulled this stunt, I'm getting that sense. I could be wrong. But the way his family backed him up like that, says a lot. Is he a momma's boy or the youngest born? I'm sorry it happened to you, but you stood your ground and paid your portion. That's what each member of his family should have done when they discovered what a cheapskate he is. They should have dug out their portion and talked to him about it later if it bothered them. Not the restaurant. You get a A+. Your hubs get F.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE run fast, run far from this absolute jerk and his toxic family. So many red flags in this story. I sincerely hope you are not pregnant. I shudder to think of a child raised in the midst of this level of dysfunction. I wish you well going forward.
Unless he asked you prior to making plans and you come up with a solution or you disagree. It's his moment and his job to pay for what he planned. When you live with such ppl, keep your finances separate.
Shes NTA but it also doesn't sound like they got married for the right reasons and both seem immature and selfish.
My husband and I haven't had separate accounts from the day we were married 22 years ago and I am always suspicious of marriages that do keep parts of their lives separate. However if they really want to keep their "independence" I would suggest a third joint account where each partner pays 55 to 60 % of the shared bills into. That way they don't have to keep score of every single bill and they build up a little buffer to use for occasion like this one. Not that the wife was obligated to pay for it. But a marriage isn't about "being right" but about compromising enough to actually enjoy living together. Not quite sure if one family dinner is the hill I would be willing to sacrifice my marriage on if there would have been an easy way to avoid it aka a shared account.
NTA - it's blatently obvious to an adult... He wanted to use his "supposed" bonus to take everyone HE invited to dinner - why the eff would you be obligated in any way shape or form to pay? I think he's upset bc his p!ss poor planning failed. Note to your man... Make sure you have said bonus before you decide to spend it!! He's being a selfish child who's embarrassed bc he 1. Never got this bonus or 2. Jumped the gun amd assumed he was getting one but didn't or 3. Took it out on you that he should have waited for the bonus to be in his account first! Sorry you even felt the need to get advice!! AND you did the right thing! Kudos to you for Standing up for your self! Thank goodness your finances are separate! He owes you an apology and a dinner!!
He's definitely TA...but unless there's abuse or manipulation that one of the SO fears and is looking for help, I can't see how a marraige where someome runs to complete strangers online for backup (and I clarify again, backup, not help) is going to survive. These threads baffle me sometimes like, why are you married? I would say tax benefits but, they don't share finances lol there's zero desire here to understand their spouse, just looking for an audience to ridicule him alongside. It's weird. Granted, he did try to embarrass them in front of his family, so you get what you put out.
IT'S MARRIAGE AND SOMEONE. IT'S EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY.
Load More Replies... The fact she chose to draw a line in the sand in front of his family, in public, shows how little regard she has for her spouse. He asked to have the conversation later, privately, and she chose to walk out. Get counseling or get divorced and give both partners a chance to find someone they actually like and respect. Twenty seven years of combined accounts here. We trust, love and respect each other.
He chose to "tell" her to pay. He didn't ask. He knew she would refuse, and chose to drop it on her in front of HIS family, at the last minute. He purposely threw his wife under the bus with an audience on his side. What was she supposed to do, sit there and take their verbal scourging? At least she was nice enough to pay her own meal. He's TA.
Load More Replies...
I'm curious to know who ended up paying for it. Was the the husband? In which case why didn't he just pay for it to begin with. Or was it the family? In which case, why wasn't it the husband? does he have no savings? I'd be worried if that is the case, especially if you split bills and rent/mortgage.
It sounds as if you each consider the other as a roommate, not a partner. That being said, don't just split finances, split the marriage.
This couple is doomed. It's no longer about making things work, it's become a powerplay...
Having kids will be a nightmare to under this approach. You both sound like you are in your early 20's. There a lot of figuring out to do to make this marriage work. Best of luck!
I never have these problems w my rabbit. I pay his bag of hay and endive and he eats it.
Load More Replies...
Here is my thought. First off when you are married be it formally or common law the word is OUR not MINE or YOURS. Second is your never settle disagreements in public or in front of other people regardless of who it is. Three grow up and get over yourselves. Four is your could have gone a head and paid taken up they disagreements at home and found a solution in the private space of home. Humiliation can also destroy marriages and friendships which if that happens then wife you have asked for it based on your self centered and inconsiderate actions in public. Something that in 20 yrs I have never and would never do. Husband divorce her and find someone who appreciates you. If decide to stay then celebrate on your own and I would say get an attorney on stand by because it is going to get worse.
All I know is it goes God, Family and Job. Your wife comes first, no questions about it. Love, honor and respect and in that order. The husband should take his wife out for an sincere apology dinner. There they can come up with a resolution that will create Love, Peace and Joy. This bonus is a financial blessing that he turned into a curse by not having an understanding with his wife first.
I will never understand how or why a married couple keeps their income separate. If you can't trust each other, don't get married!
Because no one can read minds or read the future, and nasty surprises exist
Load More Replies...
Wah wah wah my wife didn't pick up my tab! Oh grow a pair. I know these days you don't say that anymore, toxic masculinity and all. But this fella isn't even a man acting like this. It's like a child demanding chocolates at the cashier aisle. What a wanker.
Talk with your husband, friends, and therapist instead of dragging him all over the internet. Childish
These people are a-holes. Married how long? Separate bank accounts? Arguing over who pays a restaurant check? My wife and I had separate bank accounts for half our marriage - well until I started to make significantly more money than her. Then she informed me it was time to consolidate our finances. I agreed without argument. As husband and father it is my duty to provide. When dinner comes I pick up the check every time. On the odd time my wife pulls her card out it comes out of my money so what is the difference anyway? Respect is a huge part of what makes a marriage and family work. A man's financial condition often serves as his measuring stick. When hers is bigger than his that causes trouble despite contemporary awareness and all forward thinking. If the husband doubled his income, I'd wager they have a joint account in no time at all and these fights would cease. Partnership means partnership. These two selfish idiots need to have a joint account and stop fighting
Watch the Joy Luck Club! Get a pair of balls and kick him to curb! Enough with the 'other' in your life telling you what when where why how.....one posted "...get into bed naked but not financially..." Very true!!! Moochers not needed in life!!!!!
His mom spam called me for hours. I read that as his mom was called Spam, and she called for hours.
There are some really weird marriages out there. And SO.MA:Y.ENTITLED.PEOPLE!!!
You BOTH are wrong. I've lived 30 married years with seperate finances. It can happen and be ok... he should of told her beforehand that he hadn't received the bonus yet and to cover him... their lack of communication created this issue.. she should of covered the dinner and arranged compensation later.
Why is Bored Panda nothing but a regurgitator of made-up BS stories from Reddit?
Both are TA - he should have waited until he received the bonus, but failing that arranged it with his wife beforehand. She, on the other hand, didn't trust his pledge to pay her back and on top of that, seems to think of their finances as completely separate, which means they aren't in a marriage...
Honestly imo you're both toxic and shouldn't be married in this situation bc he invited everyone he should have paid but y'all .... Just are not going to work out me and my wife have been married 10 years and we share EVERYTHING the expenses our finances and we never fight or argue on who pays what seek a therapist or divorce bc I just don't see it working out
You both sound like annoying and selfish children — you especially. Why are you even married? How do two such immature people have such great jobs? And if you have children, God help them. On the other hand, this sounds suspiciously like another fake letter, so I’ve probably just wasted 2 minutes of my life responding to it. Sigh.
ESH. You should've paid and had the drama in private, but obviously he shouldn't have assumed you'd pay when he invited everyone to a restaurant. And also, you are both idiots for this ridiculous financial 'agreement' and be glad it bit you in the ass after only 3 years and before kids. Do you really think you're married if you can't even consolidate your finances? If you need to do book keeping even within the relationship? Haha.
I don't have an issue with separate finances so much as the petty accounting. That's acting like room mates, not spouses. More so the husband, it seems.
Load More Replies...
It seems to me that in this case it is still a marriage between stingy people. In any case, if I had been her I would have paid for pure education towards the guests and to avoid a "figura di merda", as they say in Italian. Then I would have asked him for explanations in private.
How is it stingy to not want to pay for an entire families dinner after you were invited to it?
Load More Replies...
It seems like a reasonable reaction to unexpectedly being informed that you're expected to pay for a large group of people.
Load More Replies...
And here I always thought that it was the role of the person making the invitation to pay. If I invite you to a meal I'm going to pay for it, if you invite me then you're going to pay for it. The exceptions are discussed ahead of time because we're adults capable of talking to one another.
The whole situation is idiotic. Using his logic, why didn't his parents pay?
Because they were guests... Just like wife, but he forgot that part.
Load More Replies... I have never read a positive story on couples who unite every part of their lives except finances. Either be all in, or don't bother, because it just doesn't work.
It does not have to be black and white. Two partners have an account each to which they receive their salary and and a 3rd for bills, rent, mortgage, eating out cinema... It is important to be financially independent to some degree in case something happens (doesn't have to be separation, any event where one partner is suddenly no longer legally competend, but certain monetary decision or transactions still need the two parties).
Load More Replies... If this guy is reading the comments in the AITA thread and laughing them off, I'd LOVE to hear him retell the story in AITA from his perspective and see how that works out for him. "It was a celebration of my bonus so SHE should've paid for everyone!!"
He was inviting people to celebrate a bonus he hadn't actually received yet? Yikes.
He sounds like an idiot. Ooh I gotta bonus let's go to dinner everybody! Oh wait, I don't actually have the money yet. You pay for it honey, I might even pay you back! He's definitely the a*****e and so is his family for not seeing that he should never invited everyone out without having the money first. Plus, doesn't he have a credit card he could've used and avoided this whole thing? Geez..
The last thing this guy needs is a credit card. If he does have one it's probably maxed from the last time he was going to get a bonus and then something happened.
Load More Replies... LOL why would you go out and celebrate a bonus? That seems like a good way to waste said bonus. besides this, your husband seems like a real a$$ wipe. I mean he decided to throw a celebration and then just springs it on you at the end to pay the bill is low class. This is something that should have been discussed before, suddenly telling someone to pay a hefty restaurant bill out of nowhere is setting a trap and that never goes well.
Besides the issue at hand (IMHO he invited so he should pay), it sounds more like a roommate situation than a marriage. I'm all for financial independence in a partnership but here it feels like it's part of bigger problems, like not communicating and the need to feel superior. I don't know, just doesn't feel like a good partnership.
If you planned a fancy dinner and invited everyone to it, you are the host. And most would expect the host to pay. Or it be discussed before commiting to the event. He was rude to expect her to pay for all of it when he picked the place and invited the people. He should have brought it up before leaving the house. A discussion of splitting the bill or everyone will pay their way was never mentioned. I would have paid for it and kept the bill for him to pay off. Maybe just get out of this relationship because money isn't everything but he thinks it is.
He should have brought it up long before leaving the house. He should have brought it up before making the invitations—-hell, before even planning the whole damned thing! Especially considering the fact that he didn’t even have the bonus money securely in hand yet. So he’s the one who jumped the gun on celebrating. I’m 61, and have been working since I was 19. In my 42 years’ experience with both full and part time employment (sometimes a combination of both when I needed extra cash), I can’t tell you how many promised bonuses (sometimes my own, sometimes my coworkers’) I know of that ended up being way less than the promised amount, how many bonus checks I know of that bounced, and how many bonus checks I know of that never materialized. I’ve even personally had a boss, from one of my extra part time jobs, go out of town and f*****g FORGET to PAY his employees that Friday!!! If it can happen with a paycheck, it sure as hell can happen with a bonus.
Load More Replies... I've been married 14 years - our finances are combined, but right now i'm the only steady income earner and I take care of all the bills (he hates the paperwork.) We went to dinner recently with his brother & sister-in-law and father & step-mom and our kids. Waitress asks if it'll be separate checks, husband says "one check" and indicates he'll take it. Pays for the whole family (multiple birthdays recently, he wanted to be nice.) Now technically, since he hasn't received a paycheck in a while, it's technically me who is paying for it. You know what I said? "Oh, Okay, that's very generous of you!" Handed over MY credit card (i get more reward points) and end of story. No fight, no drama. These two in the post don't sound like they're on the same page.
Wouldn't you prefer he run it past you? My husband has a job and we are okay financially, but this would have been discussed beforehand, especially with a large bill.
Load More Replies... Me and my missus generally take it in turns, but no one is going to have a hissy fit if one of us goes out of turn. There always seems to be a little more to the background to these sorts of marital row...... I mean, if you're madly in love with your spouse you don't act like these two - You do when there's' already problems and niggles and they've got to the stage where resentment is festering.
Unless discussed and mutually agreed upon in advance, the inviter always pays, period. Are you his wife or his mom? This manchild acts as if you owe him an allowance! I would rethink this relationship in its entirety. He is attempting to financially use and abuse you. I would highly recommend you run a free annual credit check on yourself to make sure there are no accounts listed with your name attached that you are unaware of.
He seems controlling and his narcissism is starting to show. I can’t rationalize his way of thinking he can invite ppl to celebrate him and tell her it’s her duty to pay last minute. Narcissist can work on you so slowly that you don’t realize what’s going on, like when she said they have been arguing about things but didn’t realize the severity, he’s breaking her slowly.
NTA. He now learns a lessons about boundaries and assuming. I once had something like this with a boyfriend 20 years ago. We went to a festival and suddenly he supprised me with a Marilyn Manson sweater. I said: "Thanks how sweet of you". At home he said: "By the way, you still owe me 25 euros". I said: "What? For what?". "For the sweater", he replied. I said: "How so? I thought it was a gift? I did not ask you to buy that for me." He replied with I should not assume it was a gift, he thought he was nice to me for buying me a sweater, on my money!! I said: "I'm not gonna pay it, you decided to so called suprise me, but I'm still boss of my own wallet, you understand? If I wanted a sweater, I would have bought it myself." He went into a fit but I stoically stand my ground. He learned and after that day did not mention it again. He knew I was right. Who the hell are people to decide over other peoples money?
Promised bonuses sometimes do not materialize. So he should’ve waited until the money was actually IN his bank account (and was the promised amount too, since bonuses are also sometimes shorted), so HE could pay for it—-and, most importantly, discussed it with his wife—-BEFORE announcing it so publicly and celebrating so expensively. I actually wonder if he even had any money in his account. He could be blowing through his paychecks and be totally broke, either buying loads of big ticket items that are only for himself, or gambling, or other women, or drugs, or something else that’s expensive that he hasn’t told his wife about. That bonus is also probably going to disappear fast as well.
Oh yes, I have seen this type before. He’s convinced you are a gold digger and therefore, you have to prove over and over you are not by paying for everything to his benefit. Generally, guys like this don’t have that much gold to dig. He’s continually conducting these little tests without telling you so you show him that you aren’t after his money. You can recognize this guy on a first date because he “forgets” his wallet so you pay but it’s a really a test If you pass the test, he’ll date you - a guy actually told me this after a few dates and was surprised when I dumped him on the spot. Anyway, this type of financial disagreement doesn’t get better - I think you are headed for divorce.
NTA. These 'little arguments' are where arguments shouldn't be happening at all. He expects you to serve him like his mommy does, and if mommy was blowing up your phone, then mommy still wipes his a**e and fights his battles for him. Why did you marry this man? How old is he? 20? He sounds incredibly needy, self centered, controlling and disrespectful. You should just cut and run and find a man who won't treat you like his financial doormat. What an utter loser child of a man.
Cheapizoids always use the same tactics. Its the use of deceit to corner people in a public setting then taking what's good about them and using it against them; i.e., most people want to be good guys, team players, not ungenerous to those around them. The cheap use vague language to get people in a public place and then spring the trap while they're under group pressure and a bright social spotlight. It works a lot! These cheapskate stories all share the same pivotal moments.
add my name to the list of people who don't get why these two are married. But also the person who invites is the one who pays
Why are people like this in relationships? These two shouldn't even be in one. I understand having your own money and all but these completely unshared finances to the point of meanness is so weird. Why can't you have a combined account that you both put equitable amounts in and pay everything from that and then the rest is your individual money until you have kids bc then it becomes even more complicated. My husband and I have 4 different accounts that we pay different things through but we have access to all of it we also get notices on our phone whenever they are accessed. Be partners ffs. Of course it's very different if you're stuck in an abusive relationship
My partners always had access to my pay. My current lady knows every penny. We talk about what we buy and how much we spend. Seperate accounts but shared talking. I remove spending cash for coffee etc. She does the same. The rest we discuss. My view is its only money and sure not gonna fight over money. I have a place to live and food to eat. The rest is just a bonus and not worth a fight.
Load More Replies... I honestly don't understand why people get married and keep finances separate. If you're thinking that way, don't get married.
Nta . But that being said there are way too many issues here to even address, but here's a few. 1. He invites people, either he pays or everyone pays own way. 2. Not discussing any of this before meeting at resteraunt or before just assuming you to pay is bad form, bad manners, just rude and inconsiderate. 3. I personally would not stay in this relationship, from the outside it seems hostile, volatile and unhealthy. I would never do this to my wife, and we always discuss things like this BEFORE we make the plans. Lot a huge red flags here. I.m.h.o. You have some decisions to make. Good luck with whatever you decide.
IT'S EVERYONE PAYS THEIR OWN WAY. MEETING AT THE RESTAURANT.
Load More Replies... I think this marriage is doomed. This is a tacky, grasping family and it will only get worse.
Even stranger than keeping separate finances is one spouse "inviting" the other to a celebratory dinner with family and you going as just another guest. What kind of a relationship is this? They sound like a couple who have a marriage certificate in a drawer somewhere but otherwise act as roommates who aren't that fond of each other.
They don't like each other, do they? What a waste of time. Why or how they are atill together is beyond me.
I sure wouldn't like my wife either if she pulled that number on me! A fight is a fight~~we're all angling for a breakup. She stood up to his BS and is continuing to do so. If *HE* wants to stay married, I suggest he apologize to her and stop crying to his Mommy.
Load More Replies... Plenty of higher income couples keep their finances separate and use prenuptial agreements to keep divorces from becoming messy. This is not an uncommon practice and works well for a lot of power couples. This, however, is not apparently the situation. This is just one financially incompatible couple. Maybe see a financial advisor or get some marriage counseling if you're in this position?
They're not married, they are cohabitating. The simple solution is to combine their finances. Solves the whole argument over who pays for what.you both discuss it and if you agree to go out, it comes out of the combined finances. No more argument. Separate finances shows that you had reservations about being married in the first place.
"Husband Loses It When Wife Only Pays For Her Own Meal" indicates a married couple.
Load More Replies... "I assumed you would pay for it" You assumed wrong. Next time ask instead and you'll get the correct answer. He needed to learn a.lesson about boundaries but it doesn't sound like it's going to sink in. Everyone should have just paid for themselves. Sounds like a highly dysfunctional family without any conflict resolution skills.
He planned and invited. So he should’ve paid. But you guys have deeper issues you should really look into. Small things under $50 do add up so don’t let that pass up. You really need to communicate better and deeply discuss your finances at a different level if you want your marriage to work. I’ve been married 20 years. My husband and I split house responsibilities but maintain separate bank accounts. And if he wanted to take his entire family to dinner I wouldn’t be the one paying. That’s for sure.
I get having separate finances, my parents have for their entire 45+year marriage and have only had one disagreement about money, according to my mother. I will say when we have family dinners, even if it's my brother and I who invited our parents, my dad insists on paying. He's just like that 🤷♀️
You can always keep your finances separate but for the love of God, you should also have a Couples/Marriage Fund that both of you can use for such occasions.
i think u guys should never even get married , u both love ur money more than each other
My husband and I have been married nearly 33 years. We combined our finances and my husband has always made more. I make between 15% to 30% his salary. He is a doctor & Im a teacher. Our finances are combined and started the day we were married. During the "salad" days of our marriage...nobody made a purchase purchase over $50 for anything! He takes care of looking out for long term management of our retirement. I take care of looking out for the mortgage and all other bills. We both are good money managers. We set up an allowance for each. We communicate regularly about impending expenses...new tires for the camper ect. We have argued about money 2 times. We made babies together. You can't manage money well w/o discussing goals for retirement, goals to pay off mortgage early. We also only had one car payment but I like to travel so I drive my cars much longer. Still communication is key! Its rude to invite guests & not prepare spouse for the impending expense.
Lol they are divorced the just don’t know it yet. Separate. Lol. I make piles of money. My wife gets half. She stays home but puts in the same hours I do. I make her coffee every morning so she doesn’t have to. When I. See crap like this I am glad. I don’t act like a child like they do. It’s about what I give not what I get.
Juvenile antics? She placed her boundary and kept it there, that's maturity. And he said he might pay her back, forgetting a wallet is one thing, politely asking someone to pay cause you done goofed is one thing, forcing her in a position and then making her feel bad (or attempting to), and continuing the drama is..... Wow he's lame, divorce him and put him in a situation where he pays for your new house to live in away from his pethetic ass.
This "man" sounds like an en TF itled of abusive, manipulative, gaslighting leech. I suspect he hits you, & if he has not yet, he will (& SA, as well). My advice is to please, blessed get out, & do NOT make babies with this freak. In my opinion.
This dinner should have never happened. If finances are that tight, that a $50 cable/internet bill can be an issue, no one here is financially secure enough to pay for an entire dinner for a whoe family.. .plus, bonuses get taxed heavy, where I'm at. . As with the entire marriage, things should be discussed a head of time, especially if someone needs to help out, .. Whats the point of being married again?
I don't understand that a couple keep finances separate. Even more so, I don't understand a husband who expects his wife to pay, when he has money.
This is exactly why you keep separate finances, because someone will ultimately make a very bad decision, and you must protect yourself. I don't understand how people are not seeing this.
Load More Replies... The finances are just a red flag. Don't wait for his family to go sutee on you. Your husband is a predator. You manage your finances better, and this sociopath wants to dominate you over it. Run away!
Hoping y’all work it out. Some peoples husbands take care of them and don’t nickel and dime them. There is no such thing as 50/50. I hope you feel you deserve more
My husband and I had joint and individual accts. He passed suddenly and despite being in a joint survivorship state because my name was not on 3 of his accounts and he had failed to list a beneficiary, I was locked out of that money...which was a tragedy because before he died he had removed thousands to one of his accounts to save for paying taxes. (He did it each year). Be sure your name is listed as the beneficiary on all accounts of your spouse and if they own an llc, be sure you are listed as the acct beneficiary or you must go through probate. Now I had to scramble to find the money for our taxes and his money is still locked up.
So he planned the celebration and invited people, but expected someone else to pay? Even worse, he didn't discuss it with her beforehand and caused a very awkward situation. He's lucky his wife even paid for what she ate, seeing as he should've paid for everything himself since it was his idea. He sounds like a jerk.
OMGosh - My husband & I are coming up on our 30th anniversary. We don't fight about money... It's all "ours" no matter who earned it. The exception? Money inherited from relatives stays separate, unless it is specifically gifted to the other. We married for better/ worse/ richer/ poorer etc. and it works. There's no his or hers, it's all ours (But given your arrangements, you're definitely NTA. His party, his invitees, his family, so it's HIS bill.)
I have read enough! (Not all). Quit arguing, kick him OUT! I don't know him, but already dislike this creep. What is he, a Gigolo? His family is no better. RUN, you will be forever miserable. He invited - it is his duty, and obligation to pay. Oh, boy, he has certainly shown his colours. A weed with no balls. Eughhh
Alert! Manipulative narcissist detected! The leap of logic, the reverse accusations instead of empathy. As one commentator said, "why are you still married?'
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO 50/50. WHATS THE POINT? IN BEING MARRIED IF YOUR SEPARATE THEN EVERYTHING IS SEPARATE EXCEPT IN HIS MIND HE SEEMS TO ME TO BE A SELF CENTERED JERK AND SCREW HIS FAMILY OPINIONS THEY DONT PAY THE BILLS AND SHE DIDNT MARRY THE WHOLE DAM FAMILY ! MOMMY WOULD BE PUNCHED IN THE NOSE ! AND POSTING WHAT SHE DID HE GOT MAD BECAUSE HES NOT A BIG BOY HE NEEDS MOMMY TO HOLD HIS PEE PEE AND WIPE HIS BUTT NOT UNLESS HIS WIFE WOULD BEND AND THINK SHES THE SLAVE
Hi, this is my first time on this platform. Insightful perspectives! I was shocked by the husband's micro-aggressive resentment of the wife earning more than he does. It was also stated that he hadn't actually received the bonus yet😳. Why have a costly dinner before you know how much of your bonus will be left over--if any? What am I missing?
Def AITA. It's not even about the money, or who's paycheck is bigger. First of all, he's just assuming you got the money and expect you to cover his bill without discussing with you first. That's strike one. Then, he intentionally made it seems like he's going to pay. He's the one that want to celebrate. He invited his family, he pick the place, the food. Strike two. And then at the end of it, he put you in the spotlight by suddenly asking you to pay in front of his family. Intentionally backing you into a corner so that you cover his bill wether you like it or not. And that's the last strike. What an a*****e. Divorce his ass.
I am going to try to forgo my old fashioned thinking before answering this (otherwise he would be torn into little shreds). That only leaves me one comment I can make which is that it all became obvious as to how he “became” so twisted when you mentioned that his mom and family faulted you - not him. Yeesh. Bad home training.
NTA----Let's get a few things "out on the table" so to speak (pardon the pun). He made a dinner reservation, including choosing the food and drinks, to celebrate his success with his family members and then expects you to foot the bill without speaking to you privately about this beforehand and instead springing it on you in front of an audience, his family nonetheless, at the last minute? Charming. Remember the old adage, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree(read his mother). Please, I implore of you to not have children with this man; you will end up trying to raise a child emotionally alone while continuing to tolerate the child you already live with.
I can't even imagine being in a relationship like this. He's clear cut taking advantage of you and resents you making more money than him. He is not showing you any type of respect. And it sounds like a whole lot of projecting on his part. Not to mention it seems like the whole family wants to take advantage of you. He's obviously in the wrong here and he's only going to get worse. You sound like a nice person. You need to cut your losses and find another nice person who respects you.
Honestly I laughed whilst reading this. I salute this woman for having the courage to stand her ground and leave. As she should. Who does he and his family think they are. What a joke. If you had the testicles to look for a restaurant and call the whole family to come and eat for free, then you should also have the testicles to pay for your bill and your family's. And in relation to his family guilt tripping the lady for standing her ground is somewhat appaling. What the hell. I I would be embarrassed if my son invited me for dinner and then asked someone else to pay the bill. This is clearly the men's fault, so if anyone should be blamed is him. Anyways it sounds like there are a few communication issues between you. Kisses on the cheeks.
NTA! How asinine of him!!! If the money is already separate, then the bonus is not going to benefit both... so why would the one who is not going to benefit offer to foot the bill for the others entire family? It's not like it was a promotion... He is purposely gaslighting you, unless he is truly that ignorant?
Lol. This is entrapment. It is the worst sin you can commit in a marriage. If I was the lady, I would not even pay for my meal. He is so silly to think it would fly. Now that we have quarreled, what is the way forward? I would propose silence
Today, my husband and I celebrated 39 years of marriage. Most of those years were while in the USAF as active duty veterans. I’m concerned for this couple, perhaps there could be an argument for shared accounts but we’ve NEVER felt that way. And for me, it would be like we can only share a portion of our finances with each other, then I can’t share ALL of my body with you either. There’s no way this marriage is working with 100% trust in each other and it shall fail eventually. And oh, he desires to look more wealthy to his family than he is! Drinking Champaign on a kook-aid budget. It was all about his image that night at dinner!
Run girl divorce him. You mentioned him trying to do this with different things before it sounds like you are his atm and his family thinks that you should be. That he can just ask and get your money. Sorry but that's not how a marriage or a long term partnership without marriage should be. Even if you have your money together or not you shouldn't be used like an ATM they should ask about doing bigger things like this and if you are willing to pay or if they should or even if you actually need to do something or get something.
This guy AND his fam r out their minds! None of his "come backs" 2 people commenting r relevent AT ALL. HE is the 1 who organized this & invited everyone! + u never ASSUME someone is gonna pay WITHOUT DISCUSSING IT b4 ur literally at the table lookin at the bill! Wat a horrible spot 2 put ur spouse in! Its like hes TRYING 2 make her look bad! ANY normal person wouldve ASSUMED, if hes sayin assuming is ok, that HE is the 1 paying if hes the 1 gettin a bonus & planning it! And no, he didnt 4get his wallet so that's a diff situation alltogether. Its the fact he ordered her 2 pay, didnt ask, also HE caused a scene by puttin her on the spot w/o prior discussion! How do u do that 2 ur spouse!? Wat a d**k. And who makes more is also irrelevent! If u don't wanna spend that much cuz u dont make as much DONT PLAN AN EXPENSIVE EVENT! 2 me seems like he has issues making less than her, as a man. Therapy needed!
It sounds like he's really bad with money. If you can't afford to take your family to dinner before you get the bonus then you can't afford it after the bonus.
My husband and I have been married for 35 years. I have my own banking. He has his own banking. We each have acceß to each others banking credentials for transferring money, paying bills etc without question or mistrust. House is in his name. Lake house is my name, cars in my name, utilities and subscriptions are in his name. We never kept score or tabs on who pays what. We both travel extensively for work for weeks at a time so whomever is at home is usually the one who makes payments just out of ease and convienance. Only major rule we have is that any single purchase or transfer of $1,000 or more requires a conversation just for an awareneß. It surprises me on the number of married couples that your money is yours and my money is mine attitude. Acts more like roommates more than married couples.
This is just a bad relationship. It sounds like both partners have issues. It’s only an assumption, but it sounds like the wife makes significantly more money, but is very cheap, and the husband makes very little money, and feels burdened by having to split 50/50 while living with someone making 4 times his income. Just end the relationship if you get along so poorly that it’s going to be a days long fight about who paid for dinner, regardless of who planned it.
This is way beyond money. The wife (who was not obligated by any means to pay) didn't give a care about her husband's inability to pay. Caring and respect are usually the main building blocks of a relationship and without those most can't stand. Honestly how many of us seeing a stranger on the street or even in a restaurant without the ability to pay would just walk away if we could afford without issue to help. Now imagine it being someone you cared about ( a sister, a best friend, a mother or even a partner). This woman said to someone she supposedly loves, so sad to bad, hope you figure it out and left him there. No love lost or sleep missed. Money must be really important to her because that husband is not
This sounds weird af. So many of these stories that pop up on these sites make no damn sense. You've been married three f****n' years and nothing like this has ever happened? That's f****n' weird to me. It seems like literally every single story I read on here either has to be either some big piece of information is missing it's purely made up. I just can't see it being as written.
It's weird enough for a married couple to keep finances separate. But okay, I get that it works for some. But even stranger is your spouse "inviting" you to a celebratory dinner with family and then you attend as just another guest. This sounds like two people who have a marriage certificate in a drawer somewhere but really are just roommates who don't like each other that much. And ditto that it's weird to celebrate a bonus like that. A promotion maybe, but a bonus is just money and it's crass to celebrate it publicly. These people seem really hung up on money.
No future in this relationship A failure to have a workable approach to finance from the start is fatal and potentially toxic.If you ever have kids, chances are that one parent will be impacted (often the Mother, but not always) due to child care. In that scenario, one spouse can become financially dominant and things can rapidly go from bad to much, much worse.
Wow. Please don't have children with this man. Both of you need to either divorce or find couples counselling. You both sound like you don't even like each other much. Even if you are keeping your finances separate, you should have a joint account where the monthly expenses are placed, agreed upon by both how much goes in from each. You both have issues in this marriage. But - where this particular situation is involved, your husband is the AH. If he expected you to pay, he should have mentioned it ahead of time, not at the table!
this type of behavior your boytoddler exhibits is SO cringe worthy. have you tried explaining your perspective to his family in a "please explain to your child how inconsiderate this is" fashion? im will to claim he gave a different biased, opinionated, and false version to his family to get them on his side for clout. there are SO many more wholesome, genuine people in the world than those who resort to this pathetic pettiness. MOVE ON. you sound like a strong intelligent person, i suggest that you find yourself someone who wants you enough that they would not allow such trifling shenanigans to interfere with the personal sanctity of an intimate relationship.
I was searching for loan to sort out my bills& debts, then I saw comments about Crown magic ATM Credit Cards that can be hacked to withdraw money from any ATM machines around you . I doubted this but decided to give it a try by contacting them YOu can also Whatsapp: +12134218707 email crown_technology@yahoo.com they responded with their guidelines on how the card works. I was assured that the card can withdraw $5,000 instant per day & was credited with $50,000 so i requested for one & paid the delivery fee to obtain the card, i was shock to see the UPS agent in my resident with a parcel{card} i signed and went back inside and confirmed the card work after the agent left. This is no doubt because I have the card & have made use of the card. These hackers are USA based hackers set out to help people with financial freedom!!
NTA... your partner planned, chose and invited. It's his responsibility to pay. He's the one making the scene, and he's the one being a juvenile. My husband said good on you for walking and you should consider walking permanently. Also, if you do, have a celebration and tell him to "take care of it"
I'm a pretty traditional guy so I'm going to pay for almost everything. In all past relationships I've paid for 100% of rent and all utilities. I'm happy to pay but no one is getting access to my primary bank account. It's my money and no one needs to see everything I purchase.
Well, this was just all sorts of dumb rolled up in a sushi roll. I still can't get over the fact that this guy thinks he deserves a child's birthday party for getting a bonus. I think my family would laugh at me if I wanted a celebration everytime I achieved something at work. I can't even imagine asking someone else to pay for said celebration unless it was their idea. The update part was just funny, because I already knew without saying that she makes more money than him. What a spoiled little boy. The fact his family agrees is proof he was raised that way, and never going to change. Run woman! That guy is out there.
The one who invited everyone should be ready to pay for it, not invited everyone then expected or assuming Ur other half to pay for u unless u guys already discussed beforehand.
I don't understand this whole "my money" "your money" thing. On your deathbed are you REALLY going to worry if the tally sheet balances? People are so selfish and paranoid and, frankly, weird. They will share a bed, house, children, car, but not cash. It's the family wealth. It benefits the family or there would be no family in my house. It doesn't matter where it comes from. Only that it came. And you arrange your lifestyle accordingly. Unless you plan separate entertainment, vacations, new appliances, new roofs, new cars, only on the resources of the least-able payer. And, what DOES the "majority earner" get to do with the overage? This, to me, is the ultimate in spousal abuse. "What's mine is mine. What's yours is half mine."
I don't get this whole "my money" "your money" thing. It's money. It's the family wealth. If you don't want to share then why are you together? Life is complicated enough without worrying about who makes what and what percentage of family life each is responsible for. And life is too short for such dumb squabbles. On your deathbed are you REALLY going to worry about if the tally sheet balances? People are way too selfish and paranoid and distrusting. If you don't trust the person you are with maybe you shouldn't be together. I find it strange that money is more intimidating than falling into bed with the first person you see.
The lesson to learn from this is: don't keep finances separate if you are married. Your being selfish and that does not jive in a marriage. Marriage is 50/50. You get what u put in
If you're married why are the finances separate? Why should it be an issue to pay for the meal? I don't get it....
Sis I love the stance you took. You did a very brave thing. He tried to play you out. If I want to celebrate you let ME, celebrate you. Ask to take you out etc. This spouse has an ego problem. And I would gather you manage your money better which really grinds his gears too. The reflex for me for sure is how he demanded that she pay this bill no husband should be speaking to his wife like that and also the family calling her that's none of your business if you guys are so congratulatory towards your son well then ya'll f****** pay the bill.
Well. I am a bit old for this. My husbands (been widowed 3x) and I always shared our finances so this idea of separate money/lives/vacations/interests is a different mindset from the old school way. That said, this read was troubling to me. SHE is NTA but she does appear to be a bit myopic and blind. It sounds like this guy comes from a toxic family of users. He justifies himself taking advantage of his wife and his family justifies also riding his user coattails to also take advantage of her. I AGREE with the posters who say this is much bigger than finances. There is a problem with communication, respect, ,consideration and boundaries (by the in laws). These are crucial elements as a relationship ages, people lose their surface beauty, money situations change, and that restless urge sets in WITHOUT the infrastructure of respect, communication, boundaries and consideration, most marriages fail by year 7 -10.
You two obviously have more major problems than money. I always earned a lot more than my husband and I do mean a lot. Money was never an issue with us. If we went out we paid on one our combined cards. The money was never the issue. We loved each other. Nothing else mattered. We discussed everything we did. When I lost him 2 years ago I would have given every penny I had to have one more hour with him. Money does not buy love.
NTA Get a divorce lawyer. If that idiot thinks he can force you to cover for something like that (with a hefty suspicion of never paying you back), then he's not a husband. He's a live~in f**k buddy. Assess your overall situation~~I suspect your compatibility and marriage are both on the skids. Good Luck!
They shouldn't be married. They obviously don't like or even love each other.
Wow what the F? He got a bonus check yet he feels entitled to his wife paying for a celebration that he planned? And what is with "you're just bitter"? Bitter about what? Does he seriously think she's jealous of his bonus like this is some sort of competition? And guys family asked the same thing. Family full of Narcissists right there.
I'm sure he has 'plans' for that money that doesn't include his wife or the household.
Load More Replies... Well she did the right thing he invited his family not her so why would she pay for them
This husband is pretentious and presumptuous to a fault. This type of celebration is done for a major event, like a promotion, new job etc. him planning it for a bonus is just for him to flex in front of his family, he's not angry that she didn't pay, he's angry that he couldn't back her into a corner and force her to pay, as he intended to do. His ego took a hit here, in front of his family. This is some next level manipulation and abuse, if I were her, I would run not walk out of this relationship, I'd love to know how he would fair on his own for a while.
I can't imagine being married with separate finances. I would be fine if we each had our own discretionary accounts. But we'd combine all money in a pool first, pay all bills, sock some money away, then evenly split for each person to do with as they would. I just can't imagine living as roommates with someone I was married to.
You don't need money, you need god ffs. You care too much on world materialistic, although money is important too, I see that both of you got OBSESSED with money, if it was me then sure fine, a small price to pay to make your partner and their family happy, sooner or later your partner will feel ashamed itself.
If he want you to pay for his celebration dinner, he should've said that to you before he invited his family. It doesn't matter who got the bigger paycheck. It's common sense. Plus the way he handled this disagreement seems like a red flag.
Mane eff him and his feelings tell him I said that. You go out invite your family run up the tab to celebrate yourself then try to drop the bill on your wife. He needs a whole clown suit.
Where I come from, it's the man's responsibility to foot the bill whether he invite his family or his wife invite her family to a celebration, it doesn't matter who is the celebrant.
Divorce the bastard you're dealing with a manipulative narcissistic prick. If you're going to stay and I suspect these entitled demands show up in other areas, hold your ground and maybe decide whose paying before he tries to guilt you for having dignity and boundaries.
Reminds me of the movie, The Joy Luck Club where the couple pay for their own grocery items. Husband got his wife a cat (I tjink) as a gift and then put the cat food etc on his wifes part of the split, but he bought ice cream that sge doesn't eat but expects her to pay for 1/2.
I love these articles. I wonder after reading the whole thing what his argument is.
The article along with this wasnt exactly surprising per se but 4 me I'm way more comfortable telling anyone, even strangers, how much money I make, down to the penny, than being naked in front of someone im dating. Altho the longest I've ever been with someone continuously (not off and on) was less than 2 yrs so maybe thats why. Also maybe it's cuz I'm always poor? Maybe people who make more than $16 per hr + tips (that was 9 yrs ago, last job I had was in 2020 & I made $12 ph cuz it was more worth it 2 make less so id qualify 4 medicaid & b able 2 SIT vs have 2 walk & run 12 hrs at a time) care more about people knowing what they make, I dunno.
NPD. You choose who you marry. Why are you surprised when they do actions typical to their behaviors. Thats like buying a tiger and getting mad when it eats your children
When you look back 30 years ago the man was main person with the money and considered all finances coming in his which includes wife's but times have changed. Where they split the bills, pay for their own meals, movies and so forth because one can make more or less but as to this situation he pays period. To put that on his wife's shoulders let alone in public place and in front of his family was wrong. He can be pissed off all he wants and suck it up he is totally to blame. Next time they go out maybe she can put in front of him divorce papers.
He was very wrong and put his wife in a precarious position..I would not ever trust him after his poor choices and divorce would definitely be on the table..He just assumed and did not ask before the celebration..His family just as bad if they agree he is right...
Yeah, that's not how marriage works, they obviously are not ready to cohabitate if they cannot share finances. Hope they get a divorce before they have kids.
Whew! Lots of red flags here and items you all need to work on. But let me cover the one you wrote and asked about. You don't invite people out, let them order whatever and then try to publicly bully your wife into paying. That is actually what he did here. If he thought you would want to celebrate him, he should have asked all that before setting up arrangements. Example, hey honey, I've received a big bonus, would you mind treating me and my family to dinner. That way, if you were agreeable to it, you could have placed the stipulations. You may have stated, I don't mind treating you to dinner. Or, I'll take you and 2 others, you pick. But you don't control every aspect of an event and expect someone else to pick up the tab at the last minute, I don't care what that person makes. That was public bullying at best.
His first mistake was not discussing and agreeing on details with his wife before planning anything. The fact that he didn't do that and then ambushed his wife in front of his family shows a lack of consideration. He sounds immature, shouldn't involve his family as his support squad to embarrass his wife. Sounds like there may be more wrong in the marriage than just that incident.
Somebody sounds emasculated that you make more money, he got his bragging opportunity, problem is it seems he was in way too big of a hurry to smash your face in the cake. I'm so proud you paid your own and left, I'm not sure I would've done that, he picked the food. Better start stocking up on money, I think you're going to need it in the near future.
Both are a holes he shouldn't have told her to pay, she should have been happy to celebrate his achievement. Bottom line imo both a holes
Seems to me that the relationship isn't worth it. I'd leave while the getting out is good.
ESH and yet another reason why splitting finances is stupid. Either marry someone you don't have to do that with or stay out of relationships.
WOW! Your husband is a real piece of work. I think what you did took a lot of nerve and more power to you!👍 It doesn't seem too surprising that he pulled this stunt, I'm getting that sense. I could be wrong. But the way his family backed him up like that, says a lot. Is he a momma's boy or the youngest born? I'm sorry it happened to you, but you stood your ground and paid your portion. That's what each member of his family should have done when they discovered what a cheapskate he is. They should have dug out their portion and talked to him about it later if it bothered them. Not the restaurant. You get a A+. Your hubs get F.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE run fast, run far from this absolute jerk and his toxic family. So many red flags in this story. I sincerely hope you are not pregnant. I shudder to think of a child raised in the midst of this level of dysfunction. I wish you well going forward.
Unless he asked you prior to making plans and you come up with a solution or you disagree. It's his moment and his job to pay for what he planned. When you live with such ppl, keep your finances separate.
Shes NTA but it also doesn't sound like they got married for the right reasons and both seem immature and selfish.
My husband and I haven't had separate accounts from the day we were married 22 years ago and I am always suspicious of marriages that do keep parts of their lives separate. However if they really want to keep their "independence" I would suggest a third joint account where each partner pays 55 to 60 % of the shared bills into. That way they don't have to keep score of every single bill and they build up a little buffer to use for occasion like this one. Not that the wife was obligated to pay for it. But a marriage isn't about "being right" but about compromising enough to actually enjoy living together. Not quite sure if one family dinner is the hill I would be willing to sacrifice my marriage on if there would have been an easy way to avoid it aka a shared account.
NTA - it's blatently obvious to an adult... He wanted to use his "supposed" bonus to take everyone HE invited to dinner - why the eff would you be obligated in any way shape or form to pay? I think he's upset bc his p!ss poor planning failed. Note to your man... Make sure you have said bonus before you decide to spend it!! He's being a selfish child who's embarrassed bc he 1. Never got this bonus or 2. Jumped the gun amd assumed he was getting one but didn't or 3. Took it out on you that he should have waited for the bonus to be in his account first! Sorry you even felt the need to get advice!! AND you did the right thing! Kudos to you for Standing up for your self! Thank goodness your finances are separate! He owes you an apology and a dinner!!
He's definitely TA...but unless there's abuse or manipulation that one of the SO fears and is looking for help, I can't see how a marraige where someome runs to complete strangers online for backup (and I clarify again, backup, not help) is going to survive. These threads baffle me sometimes like, why are you married? I would say tax benefits but, they don't share finances lol there's zero desire here to understand their spouse, just looking for an audience to ridicule him alongside. It's weird. Granted, he did try to embarrass them in front of his family, so you get what you put out.
IT'S MARRIAGE AND SOMEONE. IT'S EMBARRASS HER IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY.
Load More Replies... The fact she chose to draw a line in the sand in front of his family, in public, shows how little regard she has for her spouse. He asked to have the conversation later, privately, and she chose to walk out. Get counseling or get divorced and give both partners a chance to find someone they actually like and respect. Twenty seven years of combined accounts here. We trust, love and respect each other.
He chose to "tell" her to pay. He didn't ask. He knew she would refuse, and chose to drop it on her in front of HIS family, at the last minute. He purposely threw his wife under the bus with an audience on his side. What was she supposed to do, sit there and take their verbal scourging? At least she was nice enough to pay her own meal. He's TA.
Load More Replies... I'm curious to know who ended up paying for it. Was the the husband? In which case why didn't he just pay for it to begin with. Or was it the family? In which case, why wasn't it the husband? does he have no savings? I'd be worried if that is the case, especially if you split bills and rent/mortgage.
It sounds as if you each consider the other as a roommate, not a partner. That being said, don't just split finances, split the marriage.
This couple is doomed. It's no longer about making things work, it's become a powerplay...
Having kids will be a nightmare to under this approach. You both sound like you are in your early 20's. There a lot of figuring out to do to make this marriage work. Best of luck!
I never have these problems w my rabbit. I pay his bag of hay and endive and he eats it.
Load More Replies... Here is my thought. First off when you are married be it formally or common law the word is OUR not MINE or YOURS. Second is your never settle disagreements in public or in front of other people regardless of who it is. Three grow up and get over yourselves. Four is your could have gone a head and paid taken up they disagreements at home and found a solution in the private space of home. Humiliation can also destroy marriages and friendships which if that happens then wife you have asked for it based on your self centered and inconsiderate actions in public. Something that in 20 yrs I have never and would never do. Husband divorce her and find someone who appreciates you. If decide to stay then celebrate on your own and I would say get an attorney on stand by because it is going to get worse.
All I know is it goes God, Family and Job. Your wife comes first, no questions about it. Love, honor and respect and in that order. The husband should take his wife out for an sincere apology dinner. There they can come up with a resolution that will create Love, Peace and Joy. This bonus is a financial blessing that he turned into a curse by not having an understanding with his wife first.
I will never understand how or why a married couple keeps their income separate. If you can't trust each other, don't get married!
Because no one can read minds or read the future, and nasty surprises exist
Load More Replies... Wah wah wah my wife didn't pick up my tab! Oh grow a pair. I know these days you don't say that anymore, toxic masculinity and all. But this fella isn't even a man acting like this. It's like a child demanding chocolates at the cashier aisle. What a wanker.
Talk with your husband, friends, and therapist instead of dragging him all over the internet. Childish
These people are a-holes. Married how long? Separate bank accounts? Arguing over who pays a restaurant check? My wife and I had separate bank accounts for half our marriage - well until I started to make significantly more money than her. Then she informed me it was time to consolidate our finances. I agreed without argument. As husband and father it is my duty to provide. When dinner comes I pick up the check every time. On the odd time my wife pulls her card out it comes out of my money so what is the difference anyway? Respect is a huge part of what makes a marriage and family work. A man's financial condition often serves as his measuring stick. When hers is bigger than his that causes trouble despite contemporary awareness and all forward thinking. If the husband doubled his income, I'd wager they have a joint account in no time at all and these fights would cease. Partnership means partnership. These two selfish idiots need to have a joint account and stop fighting
Watch the Joy Luck Club! Get a pair of balls and kick him to curb! Enough with the 'other' in your life telling you what when where why how.....one posted "...get into bed naked but not financially..." Very true!!! Moochers not needed in life!!!!!
His mom spam called me for hours. I read that as his mom was called Spam, and she called for hours.
There are some really weird marriages out there. And SO.MA:Y.ENTITLED.PEOPLE!!!
You BOTH are wrong. I've lived 30 married years with seperate finances. It can happen and be ok... he should of told her beforehand that he hadn't received the bonus yet and to cover him... their lack of communication created this issue.. she should of covered the dinner and arranged compensation later.
Why is Bored Panda nothing but a regurgitator of made-up BS stories from Reddit?
Both are TA - he should have waited until he received the bonus, but failing that arranged it with his wife beforehand. She, on the other hand, didn't trust his pledge to pay her back and on top of that, seems to think of their finances as completely separate, which means they aren't in a marriage...
Honestly imo you're both toxic and shouldn't be married in this situation bc he invited everyone he should have paid but y'all .... Just are not going to work out me and my wife have been married 10 years and we share EVERYTHING the expenses our finances and we never fight or argue on who pays what seek a therapist or divorce bc I just don't see it working out
You both sound like annoying and selfish children — you especially. Why are you even married? How do two such immature people have such great jobs? And if you have children, God help them. On the other hand, this sounds suspiciously like another fake letter, so I’ve probably just wasted 2 minutes of my life responding to it. Sigh.
ESH. You should've paid and had the drama in private, but obviously he shouldn't have assumed you'd pay when he invited everyone to a restaurant. And also, you are both idiots for this ridiculous financial 'agreement' and be glad it bit you in the ass after only 3 years and before kids. Do you really think you're married if you can't even consolidate your finances? If you need to do book keeping even within the relationship? Haha.
I don't have an issue with separate finances so much as the petty accounting. That's acting like room mates, not spouses. More so the husband, it seems.
Load More Replies... It seems to me that in this case it is still a marriage between stingy people. In any case, if I had been her I would have paid for pure education towards the guests and to avoid a "figura di merda", as they say in Italian. Then I would have asked him for explanations in private.
How is it stingy to not want to pay for an entire families dinner after you were invited to it?
Load More Replies... It seems like a reasonable reaction to unexpectedly being informed that you're expected to pay for a large group of people.
Load More Replies... 
135
290