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Woman Wants To Become A Stay-At-Home Mom, Husband Then Tells Her That She Would Have To Cover All The Housework While He Works, An Argument Ensues
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Woman Wants To Become A Stay-At-Home Mom, Husband Then Tells Her That She Would Have To Cover All The Housework While He Works, An Argument Ensues

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Being a stay-at-home parent has its pros and cons as it provides a person with the possibility to spend some more time with their kid, seeing them grow and change in front of their eyes. But often times it does mean that a person has to sacrifice their career or a workplace that they perhaps really enjoy and want to invest more of their time in for better benefits in the future. It does seem like a hard decision to make, as many know that it’s a tough call. Having this in mind, Reddit user @u/nnsnekdnd decided to ask others online what they think about the situation that he and his wife got themselves into. The post that received 23.5k upvotes soon was filled with various points of view and experiences that other people online thought were worth sharing.

More Info: Reddit 

Many parents would give a lot to be able to spend as much time as possible with their kids

Image credits: Still Vision (not the actual image)

The author of the post revealed that his wife wants to quit her job and become a stay-at-home mom because of their 4-year-old daughter. The woman shared that she wants to spend some more time with their daughter instead of just leaving her at a daycare. While the man was quite supportive of this decision, it made him think about the practical side of this deal, realizing that if he becomes the sole breadwinner of the family, it means that he would have to take more hours at work in order to earn more money and his wife would have to take on more responsibilities at home. 

Reddit user wanted to know if he was wrong to expect his wife to cover all the work at home while being a stay-at-home mom

Image credits: u/nnsnekdnd

Once the man’s wife shared that she wants to stay at home with their daughter, he started thinking about how this would work, suggesting she would then have to take care of the house

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Image credits: u/nnsnekdnd

When the husband shared his concerns with his wife, telling her that she would then have to take care of the household and not always rely on him doing some of the chores as he will be at work, the woman said that she isn’t going to be “a housekeeper”, blaming her husband for being “lazy and discriminative against women”. The man was quick to assure her that he isn’t like that, it’s just that he already knows that he won’t be able to be useful at home because of all the extra work he will have to put in to make this deal work.

The woman didn’t like his plan, as she thought that she shouldn’t be treated as a “housekeeper”

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Image credits: u/nnsnekdnd

This whole situation made the man think about the way he said things and the whole conversation in question, thinking that perhaps he wasn’t actually right in this case. But a lot of people online agreed with his thoughts, assuring him that when a person decides to stay at home and take care of the kids, they usually also make sure that the house is taken care of. Some even noticed that at this point, their 4-year-old daughter shouldn’t be considered so little that she can’t do anything herself and needs intensive care. What are your thoughts on this situation? Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments down below!

The husband only suggested this because he knew that with his extra hours at work, he won’t be able to help much around the house

Image credits: Joe St.Pierre (not the actual image)

So what are the rest of the pros and cons that would help people to make a decision to become a stay-at-home parent? According to Verywell Family, by choosing to raise their kid and stay at home, a parent contributes to their kid’s better performance at school because of their involvement in their son’s or daughter’s education. Its also noted that kids who have spent more time with their parents feel less stressed and are more comfortable with others. Being around your child leads parents and kids to have better, more honest and involved relationships. A choice to become a stay-at-home parent also serves as a great example for other, more hesitant parents.

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Now the Reddit user is curious to know if what he said was really that bad

Image credits: u/nnsnekdnd

What are some of the cons that follow being a stay-at-home parent? While one of the main factors that stops people from staying at home is the lesser amount of income, there are other things that might make a person second-guess their decision. For those who put a lot of effort into starting a successful career or wanting to achieve certain personal goals, taking time to raise a kid might seem like a burden or a thing that stops them from fulfilling their dreams. The isolation that a parent might feel when left taking care of a household and raising a child can even lead them to depression or unwanted bursts of anger.

This post encouraged a lot of other people online to share their own thoughts on the situation

Image credits: Per Gosche (not the actual image)

Many people sided with the husband, stating that what he’s asking is a normal thing

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However, some people thought that the man’s desire not to do any chores during the work week seemed silly

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Image credits: u/nnsnekdnd

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keitho avatar
Darth Starfish
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. No, you're not being sexist, you're not being lazy; in fact you'd be taking on about a dozen extra hours a week for her to even do this....... I mean, does she not think you deserve some rest and also an opportunity to spend quality time with your daughter? I'd say she takes that arrangement or she continues to contribute income to the household.

travellingtrainer avatar
Hey!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with this too. I think the wife is the one being lazy. He's going to have to put long hours in a single day and sometimes during the weekend. Surely she can clean the house, prepare meals and get the washer/dryer going. A 4 y.o. is almost ready for kindergarten and needs minimal attention from a parent. Unless they have more children, what is she going to do? I was a SAHM for 13 years. I was either pregnant, breastfeeding or both. My husband cleaned the floors, which I didn't like doing but he didn't mind. But he also took care of the car, trash, etc.

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lauraedwards avatar
laura edwards
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You want to know an ahole. My former spouse had me drop.the baby at daycare so he could play video games at home. When I returned home I was expected.to cook and clean. That's an ahole.

samantha-hinson-sh avatar
Helena
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The kid is 4 and school bound. Just how relevant is this fight? One kid who will soon be in school.

19jackspence87 avatar
Jack S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's using the sahm reason as an excuse to do nothing. This isn't about sexism it's about laziness. She's just using trigger words to make the dude feel bad knowing full well he doesn't mean it like that so he caves. This is definitely a make or break situation for that couple.

19jackspence87 avatar
Jack S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also. There are tons of WFH jobs these days. Surely she can do something part time right? Especially when the sprog goes to school or whatever.

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kathrynbaylis avatar
Kathryn Baylis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If they really need both incomes, but the wife wants to stay home with the child, could she possibly find a WFH job? Even a part-time one would help, and at least cover one or two bills or the groceries or something. At least enough to take some stress off the husband—-remember, every extra hour he works is an hour he doesn’t get to spend with their child, and maybe he prefers not to be falling asleep when he spends time with them. Too many men of my parents’ generation never got to connect with their children at all—-were.virtual strangers to them—-because they were supposed to be the breadwinners and their wives were supposed to be homemakers. Things did get better when women started working outside the home, so it would be a shame to have that disconnect happen to a younger generation as well.

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. Kids that age go to bed early. Those extra 2 hours every day might mean he barely sees his child during the week. The child is likely to be in pre-school half a day, too, so that would give the mother time to pick up a bit of work. My mom stayed at home with us when we were babies and started to work part time when we started school. When she was full-time at home, she was "responsible" for the house work, but what that really meant was that she did her very best to stay on top of it, and when my dad came home, he would be involved with us and helping out with whatever needed doing. It was unusual for his generation but I think it worked well. It wasn't a hard rule that all the housework must be done by her, but it was primarily on her as she was at home. They both worked equally. They were functioning partners and could be flexible with each other. As she started to work more outside the home, he did more in the home. Plus we were getting older and could do more as well.

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ajclaymore avatar
AJ Claymore
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. If my wife ever starts making enough where I can be a house husband, you best believe I'll be doing all the chores and making sure to have dinner on the table when she gets home. My wife has the education and career that may one day allow me to do that and I have two retirements from my time in law enforcement that will kick in when I turn 65 so that's not a concern. Ultimately I'll be happier if it happens, but I'm also fine if it never does.

rodfergie avatar
Roddfergg
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ended up leaving my job because of surgery, and I was out of work for about 26 months altogether, so during that time I was a stay-at-home dad. During that time, my house was immaculate, all the kids made their extracurriculars with no problems, their homework was always done in checked, and all meals were prepared. It was great being able to spend the extra time with my kids, and I still had more free time than I really knew what to do with. Yes, I would still be doing some laundry, or cleaning up after dinner when she was home, but a job to make money was always more work.

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago

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If you couldn't work for over 2 years because of a surgery how could you do all the housework? Doing laundry itself can be exhausting with children and your wife changing clothes after school and work, towels for showers and bed linens, unless you just waited months to wash those. And you were driving your kids while disabled?

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cateharris avatar
Amused panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, I can see where OP is coming from. 100% no chores would not be fair as he'll presumably (not sure on the country so don't know entitlements) get time off work so SAHM shouldn't have to be doing 100% chores on 365days/years, but OP has already stated he'll help out weekends he just doesn't want to weekdays whilst working longer hours. Since OP would have to work those longer hours to fund his wife's wish for to be a SAHP, this seems fair. Also, a 4yo doesn't usually need watching every minute of the day, so if OP's wife does become SAHM it should be possible to do some of the routine chores during whilst OP is at work. Surely it would be better for her to cover the chores, insofar possible, during the daytime so both parents get to spend quality time with daughter and also so OP doesn't burn out trying to cover the costs if his wife stops working.

lil-lauzie-10 avatar
The Doom Song
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I work part time my partner full time. I'm the one who does all the housework and walks the doggo coz he works a 12 hour day.

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago

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Good for you. This is about people with children, not a dog. I know how much cheaper a good pet sitter is than a babysitter.

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silveremeralddragon2 avatar
Shauna Hayden
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is BS. NTA. I don't currently live with my partner but we both work. When I'm off I go to his and I clean and cook while he works, it takes maybe 3 hours out of his 8 hour shift, the rest of the time I relax and enjoy my day. If we have children, that time would be spent looking after them. And that's with a job. If we lived together and I didn't work at all I wouldn't see a need for him to do housework, id have it done! She's just lazy and needs a reality check. Work or look after the home. No one should use a partner to have a lay about life.

ajbrant avatar
AJ Brant
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To anyone commenting on this and thinking that OP is the AHole, you work 50-60 hours a week and then see if you can even do anything else after getting home. It doesn't say anything about travel time to/from work but I did 50-60 hours with a 90 minute drive time one way. All you want to do is get cleaned up and go to bed. It is NOT fun at all. And I was single at that time so I was doing it all.

brandonparisien avatar
Brandon Parisien
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is 3yrs old, that kid is 7 now....no updates and user deleted.

vpwitter avatar
Valerie Witter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think NTA, but you should absolutely not start talking like she does nothing all day or talk about your paycheck as “your money”. This happened to me and I was really p****d off. I think that, yes, she should do most of the housework since you are working more hours. Please say this in a conversational tone and not like you are throwing down a gauntlet.

cassilyris avatar
Cassi Lyris
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, but you didn't have to be an @sshole about it. When my husband and I crunched numbers we determined that I was basically working to pay for child care and I already did the lion's share of housework. So, when I became a stay at home mom this was basically our agreement. It worked out well for us. It's damned near impossible to work 60+ hours a week and clean effectively, especially if you have a very physically demanding job. But like I said, you talk these things out like adults, not arguing children.

rogers-roy666 avatar
Dave
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's not a marriage, it's two people holding each other hostage.

paulwerner_1 avatar
Paul Werner
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

don't sweat it my now ex-wife and I did this and in less than 2 yrs she was dying to go back to work,she was dying for some adult interactions as I was hardly there

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom stayed home for 6 years until both of us started school. She always said she was glad she had that option and loved being with us, but she also missed talking to grownups.

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althea_armwood avatar
Althea Armwood
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't disagree, BUT the real question is, how is the housework currently split? Is she currently expected to do most of the work now while working? If no,t then when would she be allowed to be "off work" as the SAHM? Many people either don't realize or understand that the duties of the stay at home spouse should include down time, even if it's not always convenient. The husband is acknowledging that HE would need time to rest, but SAHM is a job as well and deserves periods of rest just as if she left the home every day to work.

lynettebutcher avatar
Lynette Butcher
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not one mentions that there would not be day care costs now if she stays home. I m sure a great percentage if not all in some cases all goes to day care. That's also needed to be discussed.

azahariaffendi avatar
Azahari Affendi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

TBH, fairness is not something that can be achieved between humans, but cooperation is mor of the thing. His wife sitting at home might save some money, they dont need to send to day care, pay for outside food, and maybe save for school bus fees. The point is, be tolerate, being the only income source doesnt make you a king. As long everyone playing their part everything will be fine. Him expecting everything at home to be fine is not wrong at all, if everything at work (income) is well taken cared off by him as well.

dominiquechristine avatar
Dominique Christine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I don't have any children, but my chronically ill mother lives with my fiance and I. I don't work because I take care of her throughout the day (i.e, preparing her meals, medication management, her laundry, etc). Even with the responsibility of caring for my mother, I do ALL of the household chores, make all the meals, take out the trash, clean the shower and toilet, clean the floors (you get it). And I am happy to do it. I am happy to take care of our home because that's what a partnership is. He makes it possible for me stay home to help my mom, he makes it possible for my mom to live with us without financial contribution. He works from home, but my God does he work hard and work long hours. He pays the bills and I make sure the home runs smoothly. Weekends are for him to sleep in, watch sports and just relax. I never ask for help with the chores because I'm a capable adult and I don't want to ever add to his stress. His wife needs to do her part with NO complaints.

annie_dec20 avatar
Annie Martinez
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well the child benefits from a parent staying at home, it is both parents child. They need to work together to make it happen. This doesn't mean he can so nothing, sure working in an office is hard but so is the work at home. Cleaning, organizing, cooking, taking care of the child, etc so yes his wife should expect him to do some.work at home every day. I don't think he or she are bad, I just think he is seeing it as a gift for his wife and not as something good for his child. They need to talk and figure out what each will do.

fayegreen avatar
Faye Green
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom was a stay at home. She kept the house clean while she kept an eye one me, when I was 6 months old and still in my playpen. When I be napping, my mom would run down stairs to put a load of laundry in and mop the floors till I woke up from my nap then run the vacuum cleaner while i was in my playpen. At 2 yrs old I would mimic my mom cleaning. She always had time to teach me to recognize shapes, colors, color in the coloring book and drew pictures with me, make lunch, read to me and sing to me a beautiful Irish lullaby. Mom was always there for me growing up, instilled morals, etiquette, and faith. Mom was a friend, nurse, counselor, psychiatrist, peace maker, and a very patient Goldy woman. Wherever she went people loved her, she never judged, all that shown was love and grace. No, you are right.., if your wife stays home with her child then she also needs to keep the house tidy, cook. Women today are way different than women back in the 1940s, 50s,60.

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with you mostly, but the husband can help too. Sounds like your Mom was a wonderful blessing. I try to do this with my daughter. I homeschool her and work part time at home and part time outside the home so it's full time (single mom with little to no financial support from the ex). My child is completely worth it but it is a 24/7 job.

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tarsa13 avatar
CL Rowan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How much money are they saving with her at home? Child care is hellishly expensive, as most people know. She could be saving quite a bit of money for the household by staying at home. Perhaps having someone go over their budget (or creating one) will keep hubby from 'overworking'. On another note~~I worked 50 hrs a wk (restaurant management) and *still* had to do most of the housework. I'm *not* overly sympathetic to the hubby's plight...

pavlinag avatar
Pavlina G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Holy moly. I seriously cannot believe this. If two adults live in a house, they both need to look after it. I had a high paying, full time job. Then I quit working because of my son’s disability. There is no freaking way. My husband would come home and help around the house while I cooked. Then he usually washed up after, I tend to clean as I go so this was mainly loading the dishwasher, washing the pots and wiping off surfaces. I would make a lunch for everyone, I drove the kids to school and my husband to work. I had to be on it on no notice because my kid sometimes needed to be picked up with no notice. So, even though I was a SAHM, that job is not parking the kids in front of the TV and sitting on my a*s all day.

c_devine avatar
Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP, your time with your child will be even more diminished. I remember having a SAHM who was overbearing. How I wished I that had more time to bond with my father! This doesn't seem fair to you in the least. Please consider not having any more children with this woman. She might try tricking you into it!

bribear2u avatar
Anna Mortensen
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was laid off while pregnant and our daughter had complications that ended up making me a SAHM. For a very brief amount of time her father thought me staying at home meant he had to do nothing. Then we broke down exactly who ended up working more every week... It was me. By about 20 hours a week. That changed his perspective. Yes, I do a most of household cleaning, home schooling, and errands. But when he comes home, I'm off the clock too. At that point we're just a regular couple that splits the evening chores, like dinner dishes and putting the kid to bed. It works for us, but then again he's never considered me lazy or diminished the work I do at home.

loreittat avatar
Loreitta M Tuthill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think much of the contention was the way you addressed it. You could have been kinder, more tactful. Realistically it was a given the home front needs would shift. Explain as much as you'd like to help you won't be able to since your work hours would be increasing. Obviously she isn't lazy, but she will have more available time to do more on the home front. You might also suggest she make a honey do list of projects you can help with on the weekend. Also how about a part time job she can do that matches daughters school hours. Then no day care expenses and you won't need to increase your hours as much. There are options but making demands isn't the best way to approach it. Sit down together and list the pros and cons, how can you make this work.

thekitkatlizard avatar
TheKitKatLizard
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wants to force you to work longer hours, and then has the audiencity to be offended because you except her to do the housework you're basically paying her to do...

suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My only point to add is that a 4yr old will be going to school very soon, so this will leave a lot of time free for the Mum

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In the US kindergarten is usually only a half day. That means day care in the summer, spring break, thanksgiving break, Christmas/New years break...that's a lot of money for child care.

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dodsonmichelle avatar
Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Over the past 15 years my husband and I have morphed into a very 50s type of marriage. We married later in life, so all of our kids are grown and gone. I started working part-time after about 3 years, but a chronic illness makes working now impossible. So he makes the only income & I do basically everything else. If I'm having a bad day, he makes his own dinner and cleans up after himself. It's not that hard.

ashleyaubel avatar
Ashleaf Green
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is she planning to homeschool? This child is ready to go to school. This is not the time women usually decide to stay home. This is the time they decide to go back to work. I sense an alternative motive here since she’s refusing to take on the home as her career, since her daughter will be in school at least next year for sure. This is scetch. I smell a fish. A lazy, self-serving one. Unless she is planning to homeschool and do it right, there’s something wrong with this situation entirely.

d_nicolehiljus avatar
D. Nicole Hiljus
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This sounds crazy to me. If one party stays home then the home is that parties job right? If both parties are working then they both chip in on the home right? I'm not clear on what this woman is expecting. She wants to stay home with the child have the husband pay the bills, then he's supposed to come home and work some more. She's not being made into a housekeeper it's him being made into a slave.

lcdp avatar
LCD P
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a woman, I will say his wife is being so unfair!!! For one, she should appreciate the fact that he's even considering carrying the household all by himself. Two, their child is four....... Not four months. Four years old, dang it! The wife is tired of working and wants a break to lay on her behind and do nothing. She should say that. Now, that the daughter is four, she wants to spend extra time with her? Huh? SHE sounds lazy and inconsiderate. Didn't he say he would help with chores on the weekends? Goodness grief, lady. Poor hubs needs a break too. It also sounds to me like he can't afford it. He'll be completely bald in two weeks flat. She'll be complaining he has no extra time for the family, he bald headed, and now she can't get her nails done.... Bad idea!

othornhill6792 avatar
Mrs.Pugh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wtf does she think sahm means???? Nta and you're not sexist, she's just a bit...slow.

anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife is a teacher. During the school year she's always busy with work...literally all the time!! I also work a lot, days, nights weekends but I get days off during the week so I can take care of a lot of stuff then. We do whatever we can around the house whenever we can. During the summer, I tend to work obscene amounts of hours (60-80 a week) while she is off. She takes care of pretty much everything and I just pass out on the couch...if i make it that far. Point is, the person who is at home and not working takes care of the chores. Simple as that! You're family not roommates figure it out!

achaiadust avatar
Liam Lowenthal
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a bit weird complaining about doing all the housework. I'm a stay at home, my husband works. My husband is exhausted when he gets home, and he doesn't have to but he takes the trash out for me. That's helpful enough since my knee is messed up and we're in the second floor. You know keeping a house isn't *that* hard unless you're like.. living in a mansion or a ranch right? Unless you're not keeping up with it, and let it get really messy by the end of the week, you're doing a few dishes a day, a couple of meals and picking up stray things around the house. Laundry isn't that bad either, we bought a tiny washer for our apartment and I hang dry them every half week. Hell I can clean the baseboards and scrub the bathtub everyday, I have time. My friend has two kids and she's a stay at home too, she does all the chores and her house is at best slightly askew cause if the slew of kids toys. That's it. I don't think he's the a*****e, it sounds like the guy is planning on working a lot

touhouneko avatar
Touhou Neko
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I'm a stay at home dad since my wife's company brings a lot of money. She works very hard and I'm grateful for that that's why I do like all of the house chores, I wait for her with warm food, do the cleaning, dishes, give her attention and so on it's nothing hard about that. Home chores can be exhausting as well, but as long you put the effort your partner puts in their work should be ok. Now if he or she is lazy then divorce is in the order, you are noone's work slave home or at a job. Sexism should be a thing of the past of who should provide for the family. You either contribute with money or with chores, take it or leave it...

yukiamariyo avatar
Yuki Amariyo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wouldn't mind if she would do 8 hours of home chores a day then rest like work requirements are as well. That's why I always look carefully for a partner that is modern thinking and not medieval that men should provide for woman it's equal rights now woman can provide for a man as well. Everything needs to be shared if one works other should too, even if at home. If your man or woman just sits at home doing literally nothing that don't differentiate than having a gigolo or prostitute. You basically pay for his/her services.

marcludwick avatar
Marc Ludwick
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he's gonna pay all the bills she can take care of the house, it's called compromise and cooperation. If she doesn't like it then she can stay at her job. If she quits her job regardless then she still needs to pay her part.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I cannot say that she is not right because it also depends on how strong she is. Women are weaker than men physically. So they cannot put in the same amount of work a man can. And it seems the husband is asking the wife to be a man and work like one, which is impossible and will make her ill. I was in a similar situation and agreed to do all household chores and everything I could while taking breaks and taking it easy. Well, it still didn't help because I ended up with a busted back forever, now I have pain even when I bend or bend to sit on a chair and the husband divorced me after ruining my health because he couldn't count on me anymore. So he ruined my health, I was there with him to help him out and now I am left alone and with a busted back.... So I cannot side with the husband in this story because I once did and that costed me my health...

othornhill6792 avatar
Mrs.Pugh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the wife's problem. she wanted to be a sahm in the first place, wtf does she think that means?

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themaire65_1 avatar
Marilynn Berry
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If someone would pay my bills, pay for my food, clothes, entertainment etc...they would not have to worry about dishes, dust, not finding clean drawers to wear or vacuuming. But,as he stated, some things on the weekends i.e. mowing the lawn,taking the garbage out,taking the car(s) for an oil change.

safyra199421 avatar
Ausrine Ciapaite
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everything depends on the circumstances. If the daycare is cheap then it is understandable that husband would like the wife to work. Also kindergartens are great place for kids to socialise, develop necessary skills for school and future interactions. On the other hand, if kindergartens cost as much as one's salary, then perhaps it's the best for one of the parent to stay at home but again, things need to be agreed on. Looking after a kid is not easy, you can't put them in the corner while you do household duties. Especially if there will be more kids in the future. Some household duties must fall on father's shoulders. If there is miscommunication like in this case and both sides are getting upset, he should ask her why exactly she wants to be SAM after whole 4 years. Kid will start school soon after all and she is might be ruining her career with such a time gap (depending on a profession). I believe there are some underlying issues there.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A lot of bullying happens there also. I have seen it and experienced it. That's why I would always pretend to be sick as not to go there and be bullied.

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denavettor avatar
Dena Vettor
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When my kids were born, I'd have given anything to be a SAHM! But my husband was not good at holding on to jobs. In his case, the kids were in expensive daycare, I worked two jobs, and he was usually home watching HBO! This woman is way entitled! She's lucky you're even considering this considering the apparent need for her income. Can she work part-time? I think that keeping the house is part of being a SAHM. I'm sure that you don't expect her to clean out the garage or paint the house as normal housework. She sounds lazy and entitled! It's not the1940s anymore!

bubs623 avatar
Bubs623
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Different opinion here. How much did they pay the daycare provider? How much more is it worth having a 'childcare provider' who actually loves, cares about and will be educating that child along the way? What is that worth? Watching a child all day is not relaxing and often consumes every waking moment. That's why you PAY a daycare provider. The SAH parent is now a whole host of other tasks. Yes, she can pick up the slack if the dad is exhausted but for him to come home and sit on his a*s while she is just as exhausted - that isn't "fair" either. I've had dads choose to become SAH & realize how much actual WORK it is. What is it worth for their child to be raised by a parent instead of a stranger? Must be a partnered effort

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love your comment. ❤️ Sadly someone downvoted it but I balanced it out by up voting it.

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malloryl_1 avatar
Mallory L
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA doing housework is part of being a stay at home parent, especially when the kids four and needs minimal supervision, heck she can even get the kid to help, I have a home daycare and kids that age love to put the laundry in and turn the dial push the button, help put dishes away, if you get a fun fluffy duster, even a microfiber one with nubbies they'll go to town dusting what they can reach and she should already be cleaning up after herself, putting toys away, putting plate in the sink after lunch. I don't know maybe she has fantasies of going on grand outings everyday but even then shes going to run out of things that are free in about a week and kids don't want to go to the same playpark every day

kathrin-s_jack avatar
Kathy
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From a woman: NTA at all. The one not working is responsible for the household. Period. It doesn't matter if it's a stay-at-home mom or dad. As soon as either one has a job, household responsibilities are split.

skitenoir avatar
millac
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...why did she wait until the child is 4? 4 year old don't need all that much watching, AND would be in pre-school, at least part time. Doing this at 4 months, I would understand. At 5, she'd be in kindergarten. Is the wife only going to do this for a year and then go back to work? Is she expecting this to be permanent, even after their child goes to school full time?

edavellaneda avatar
El MasChingon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

man f**k this lady wants to stay at home but not do anything, stay working then

residentstone avatar
Resident
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nta, wife is lazy and entitled. Kid will be in kindergarten soon. What she gonna do? Cheat online, drink and watch tv all day? Gimme a break!

joshjjohnston1969 avatar
Joshuah Johnston
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was in a same-sex marriage for 15 yrs. (he sadly passed last year). He worked a full time day job and had a part-time seasonal job. For years I worked part time at a nightclub. It shut down 6yrs ago.I took up selling things on E-Bay, other than that I did the housework. When he came home I fixed dinner while he relaxed after work. We were both happy with our lives. So maybe I'm using an unfair equivalent (we had no children) but if my husband said he couldn't help out, especially during the month he worked two jobs, could I argue he's being "sexist?" If I argued: "he's treating me like a housewife," would that fly? If the roles were reversed, how many people would assume, 'he's probably a typical guy who just wants to play x-box while the wife is at work.' If the housework is too overwhelming, find a fair compromise, make up and get back to being a loving family. You never know when it might suddenly end....trust me.

emjohnson_1 avatar
EM Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like wife no longer wants to work. Child is about to go to elementary school and then full time. I will say what others won't...Coworker didn't want his wife to go to school or work, just focus on kids. She divorced him and took so much of his salary as alimony, man was depressed. He told me now he recommends every spouse push the other one to either work or further their education. Her trying to be a SAHM now is a red flag. He should tell her not now because things will be tight financially. She's already mad.

jennmbowman avatar
J B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. She's TA because she thinks she won't have to take on any additional household responsibilities even though she's at home all day. He's TA for thinking he doesn't have to do ANYTHING during the week. It can be smaller stuff like washing the dinner dishes, but you don't get to do absolutely nothing at all.

valica810 avatar
Valerie Mace
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Um HELLO, stay @ home mom to a 4 yr old. Definite NO she will be going to school, so what mom plan 2 do all day.

pattyo_1 avatar
firecrackershrimp
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also no one seems to mention in original post, if he's working longer hours outside the house, when is he supposed to get his daddy bonding time with his child ??? That's why he shouldn't have to do chores on weeknights, when he gets home from work he should get some time to spend with his child. Weekend they can share chores and have family time. But she should handle most of the household stuff during the week while he's at work. And they have to allow some time for each of them to have some alone time too. Everyone seems to be beating him up for not considering her thoughts on the matter. But why didn't she think it thru when she presented him with the idea? What did she think was going to happen when she stopped working and he has to work more to make up the funds?

katmin avatar
Kat Min
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women, DO NOT STOP WORKING!!! Seriously, it drives me nuts how many women just give up their incomes. Are you mad?? Adn why are fathers not allowed to see their children except for a few hours? What kind of backwaterish attitude is that?

crystalruiz avatar
Crystal Ruiz
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Lol, she wants to be a SAHM and 1st of all they can't afford it. 2nd she still wants him to do half the chores and 3rd she wants to do it when her kid is about to, or already has, started school. The only fair thing to do is do most, if not all, the chores, that's part of the deal, she's not gonna do what a day care does for 8 hours a day and then do chores, she'll have all day to be doing then, especially since they're kid is 4. If he's gonna pay for everything then she has to also so everything of something, and considering he will arrive home and help with child care, that can't be it, so the only thing left is the chores, and if she does them, everyday, it'll only be around 2 to 4 hours, or even less if they're kid picks up their own messes, which at that age they should. And also, what is she supposed to be doing during school? Just sitting around waiting for their kid to come out? This is equality, it isn't sexist nor unfair in any way.

synthwolfe avatar
Nathan Wolfe
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I own an operate a company, but during the winter. My industry slows to a crawl. Meaning I basically take the role of a stay at home dad. And during this time, I handle all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I still get free time. Its not the constant rush that people make it seem. And its nice, especially when you consider that during warmer months, when my industry is at its fullest and fastest, I literally work from before sun up to after sun set. I barely get a moment of peace and 8 hours to sleep.

bradedge avatar
Brad Edge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

just one kid? seriously? just one damn kid is too much for you to take care of the house too. must be nice.

realcharlene avatar
Real Charlene
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA- IF ONLY YOU ASKED HER NICELY ABOUT IT. BUT SEEING HOW SHE QUICKLY REACTED YOU'RE A SEXIST TELLS ME EITHER IT'S HOW YOU'VE RELAYED IT TO HER OR HOW SHE INTERPRETS IT, BUT HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS. First, seeing how the man offended the wife about "expecting to handle almost all house chores" - I wonder how he conveyed the message to her? how are they atm when it comes to the doing the chores exactly? Seems like they already have had an issue seeing how she overreacted about it if I am to believe these are from her own words (It's sounds me at the office telling myself, am I a maid here? Whenever my co workers who are men leaving their dirty dishes all around the office, like wtf men?) THE DELIVERY, CHOICE OF WORDS & HOW IT SOUNDED MATTERS. Second question, why does it seem to me like - they heavily rely on the wife's income. like the husband's pay won't be sufficient alone. Maybe, they need to re-access their expenditure? MAYBE THEY ARE SPENDING WAYYY TO MUCH BEYOND THEIR CAPACITY?

peacehoneyhaze avatar
PeaceHoneyHaze
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. However how it was worded you're a d**k. She had that child. She probably was at one time; a SAHM before. She probably feels she's missing out on her daughters growth. I want to clarify, 90% of moms that leave work to be a SAHM is because daycare costs SO MUCH. It's Cheaper to stay at home and watch your own child. With that said, she can still work from home. So just because YOU are upset cos' YOU don't get the choice to drop out of work, because you CAN'T watch and maintain your child all day and still get stuff done. Maybe before her leaving. You need to take a WHOLE DAY off and stay home with your daughter and do EVERYTHING you expect your wife to do, whilst you're at work. I'm a SAHM and I've got a completely physically disabled husband. We are both home with our child and I do ALL the house work, Child care. Etc.And I also work, am the sole "breadwinner" you claim to be. No disability$. Grow up, you both are responsible. You guys decided to have a child. Own it. Work it

skylarjaxx avatar
Skylar Jaxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Kid is four unless kid is unhealthy The kid can help. Mom would be home doing nothing. Because the kid should be preparing for or in preschool. Mom wants to do nothing. She should be responsible for 99 percent of the chores. Him trash and like he said his weekend help, mop a floor one or two days but the rest should most def be on the wife. If she working ten hours she can work at at least three. If your house isn't nasty that's all it should take daily three hours of that. Hopefully she don't park the kid in front the TV and call that sah momming.

marypigott_1 avatar
Mary Pigott
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a SAHM because my income wouldn't have been a significant bonus to us. On the other hand, claiming dependants was a significant tax savings as my ex ran a business. I didn't mind doing the traditional "mom" chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping, kids, etc. I also took on garbage, lawn and garden (we had over an acre). I even did painting and dug ditches, landscaping, helped with renovations to our home. My ex did practically nothing at home except his paperwork from his construction business. What got to me was his constantly complaining about the situation, and how I didn't earn anything, and what did I do all day, etc etc..

jainehannath avatar
Jaine Hannath
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is interesting that no one considers how much this couple / wife actually spend on the child's day care every month. A lot of money, I imagine. So the wife's present bring home pay is depleted before bread is put on the table. My other thought is the child's need for socialisation and play and learn through interaction with other children in an informal setting as well as in a structured group setting. Dad is saying what will work for him. Mom is saying what will work for her. As parent's they should think about what is best for their daughter.

deminaylor avatar
Dembly
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The child is 4 and goes to school next year or maybe even s few months.. what is her plan then? Continue to stay at home or is it time for another baby so she can *continue* to stay at home.. writing her job and making the husband take on extra work should mean she does the cows applicable for the same time period and then they both share the evening chores (dinner, kids evening routine etc..

mntwinsfan77 avatar
Steve
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely NTA. The kid is 4 what is she gonna do when school starts. I farm and have the winters fairly free but had been taking care of the 2 kids who are now 7 and 5 and once they hit 5 they are in school full time. She absolutely should have all of the household chores done and if the kids need something she should be able to do it. You shouldn't even really have to do chores on the weekend. A 4 year old can pretty much take care of themselves she should have more than enough time in the day to get everything done. Sorry she's just lazy and playing the sexist card makes her a dumb B.

carissaschneider avatar
Carissa Schneider
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People forget that a SAHM was traditionally never just a SAHM. They were a "homemaker." Anyone who wants to stay home all day should take the homemaker role. Hell, I work a full time job, part time job, and do 95% of the chores because I believe in traditional roles. Being a SAHM would only make my life easier even with 100% of the chores.

vickihensondriver avatar
Vicki
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Absolutely, she should be responsible for at least 95% of the house, inside and out. Watch adding any more landscaping or things that require more upkeep, including pets and more things to dust. However, no push mower, but self propelled. Keep your house simple and just large enough to live in. And holy cow, do not add a pool and learn to love staying home, because it comes with many sacrifices, including vacationing and all those things some woman want.

kimberlymarino avatar
Kimberly Marino
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So she will be doing the job they were paying a day care provider to do. I'm not understanding why the big deal when he says he will help on the weekends. I was a SAHM and if your starting with a clean home there is only upkeep. The house is a finite area that can be kept tidy with little effort. Doing the cooking and laundry also not a huge time eater. The child will be in school in a year...seems like a silly argument. She needs to do her job and take care of the child and the home during the work week while he says he will help out on the weekends. I was raised this way as were most in my generation. Mom did the house and kids and cooking and dad did dad things on the weekend. Worked for my parents who were married almost 60years. If you can't navigate one year of life I don't see this working long term ....sadly

sunnieroach85 avatar
Sunnie Roach
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The comment saying you dont get to unilaterally give her your terms? Why thats what she did. I do not think it is ok on either side to decide for both without discussing it. No he may not get to do that without discussion but she doesnt get to just say hey Im doing this either. I also think its a dumb move on her part. Its never smart to not have somewhat of an income of your own that you chip in together but have your seperate stuff too. A) people often will seek sincere but are more than willing to use up their partners and discard them when things get rough you may think never your husband or never your wife but everyone thinks that. Its fine to think that but be safe anyway and have your own income. B) life happens, any bump to the breadwinner or the stay at home and say they become incapacitated somehow. The other is so unable to just do both. If he dies her and her kids are screwed and vice versa. It doesnt have to be financial abuse or someones intentionally power tri

iffatshaheen avatar
Iffat Shaheen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even being a female, I would support that husband. For many reasons, first of all, he respected her decision for being house wife. Second, in this era where you have to work hard to make your earnings, he took a step and decided to work extra hours to be " Man of House" , so wife should have respected that. If after working extra hours, he is asking for little rest, that is reasonable. In some cultures, , majority of women are house wives and they don't only take care of house chores, but also kids , as well as elderly In Laws( Father in Law and Mother in Law ) who lives with their sons in those societies. Its all about laziness from Wife' s side :).

kevinfelton avatar
Kevin Felton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would tell her that you've actually decided to be the stay at home parent and that you'll need her to either get a second job or find a way to schedule an extra 10 to 15 hours a week at her current job, however she'll still need to do her half of the house work because you'll be too busy bonding with your children. Something tells me she won't be as amenable as she expects you to be. In the end though it won't matter because she can quit her job and still expect you to pick up the extra hours. Don't like it? Well she'll just leave you and take the money anyway all while telling your kids what a POS you are. The best part is if she waits until after you pick up those extra shifts she can get more money because of your higher income. Face it, you screwed up by having kids with an entitled manipulative b***h. Your best bet is to get a vasectomy (without telling her) and hold out until your youngest is 18. At this point there is no winning this argument, there's only degrees of losing.

ericraitanen_1 avatar
Eric Raitanen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While NTA, she would be having to be the sole parent for an extra 2 hour plus some Saturday time. The correct way to evaluate would be to consider what expenses need to be cut while in your current role for you to be sole provider. It's too risky to flirt with burn out and resentment to ask her to be the sole adult at home and you to be nothing more than a worker and lazy roommate. Also, if you do decide to go to one income, any money you make should 100% be shared with wife, or even more resentment will occur.

ericraitanen_1 avatar
Eric Raitanen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In reply to myself, the wife should do most of the household chores to make the evenings as stress free as possible and allow you some dad time before bed and unwind time.

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theafineout avatar
Thea Fineout
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well as a stay at home Mom I do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning as well. However no one person can do everything there is to do in a household. My husband works hard and I don't ask much from him but he also understands that the cabinets and drawers are in disarray and things are going to be dirty sometimes. You can't be a stay at home parent and sit your kid in front of the TV all day while you clean. Anyone who has an email are house spins many hours a day cleaning.

divineallah avatar
Divine Allah
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's a perfect trade off she's just showing she doesn't like work whether in the house or out.

paradise384 avatar
Jessica Macklemoore
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTF IS WRONG W/EVERY1!? I DONT think HTA, but he & commenters sure as hell r actin like raisin a kid & bein responsible 4 ALL THE HOUSEWRK, COOKING etc is not real wrk! Its fair 2 ask her 2 do MOST of it, but not ALL! As a nanny 4 yrs, I KNO watchin a kid ALONE is EXHAUSTING,let alone chores 2, & JUST AS MUCH WRK AS WAITRESSING! Id b MORE tired from the nannying tbh! Theres a reason nannys & maids r paid so much!but u xpect wifey 2 do ALL chores includin YOUR laundry, meals, messes etc while u sit around all wk doin NUTHIN aftr wrk & havin dinner made 4 u? Uthink its fair she now has a 24/7 job but hes wrkin 50 hrs? RAISIN A KID/DOIN ALL HOUSEWRK IS A 24/7 JOB w/no break! I grew up seein my mom bust a*s 4 us, makin ALL our meals, appts, drivin, hw help, etc- my dad wrked 70 hrs as a therapist. If hed expected wat this guy did,id hav said he was sexist. Many adults wrk 60 hrs & live alone so they still hav 2 do it all thmselvs! EQUALITY IS NOT HER DOIN 100% OF EVERYTHING 4 U!

featherscatherine avatar
Catherine Feathers
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Try this. We had one child, both worked full time jobs. I was lucky to work a regular 40 hr week, four days a week. My husband worked 5.5 days a week and put in at least 60 sometimes 70 hours. I took care of all the house and child including any running, taking her everywhere I went and taking her to doctors and childcare. My husband took care of yardwork, planted gardens for food, raised hogs. He went hunting and fishing on his days off. We both harvested the gardens and canned. His hunting and fishing raising meat kept our freezer full of good food. I was an immaculate house cleaner and was blessed with quality time with our child. We went fishing together sometimes. We went to the mountains on Christmas vacation. I was able to take them park vacations with my daughter and my husband took three weeks for mule deer hunting. Before my daughter was born I went with him. A battle with cancer left hubby disabled, now I am his caregiver. 39 years together-No complaint

patriciasandoval avatar
Cipi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Certainly you are right. I am sure was your tone that triggered her answer. It's a wonderful idea mommy can take care of children but That's make me think why bring children if you can't afford to raise them. One of you has to work just to pay for daycare.

cfri avatar
C Fri
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He should have beat her to the punch and quit his job to be a stay at home dad.

alsobrookd1 avatar
Debrah Ward-Alsobrook
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a stay at mom of four for many years then went back to work when they were grown as a therapist. My job was to run the house, that included the majority of the shopping, cleaning, cooking and most of the child rearing. My husband would help me if I asked but he worked 30 days on and 30 days off much of the time. He chose to do things like the yard work but was supportive of me and I supported him. I don’t think your being sexiest. Division of labor that simple. Your wife needs to grow up.

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow. That's a lot of gobbledygook! Maybe you should have stayed home and read a dictionary.

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rob_59 avatar
Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Robert Harris Jr well I was married once but we didn't have kids in the household we both worked so on the weekend we cleaned the our place together I would do the bathroom and bedroom and she would do the living room and kitchen for example but I was raised by my grandparents because both of my parents worked all the time my mom dad worked and my grandma took care of the household so she had his dinner ready for him when he got home she made her own bread she would fix me a plate with bacon and bread with some delta cane flavor syrup and she would tell me about the world as she cooked I was between four and six and I will never forget what she said because I could see and feel the emotion when she said she felt that my granddad didn't didn't really love because she told me when I did get older and have a girlfriend or wife don't get her to cook and clean for you be with her because you love her beside that staying home you can take a break when you want too real talk

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So you're another man expecting his wife to have dinner ready for him on demand. So glad you haven't had kids.

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shawnnaclement avatar
Shawnna Clement
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Discuss the situation with financial details and without emotions at 100%. Childcare and transportation would currently be eating away at wife's PT salary. It's possible she's only breaking even. Maybe she could get a WFH job or schedule work during the hours that OP is home. I'm a SAHM with kids 13 and 6. It's more mentally and physically demanding than my old FT job because it never ends. It's also easy for your family to start treating you like a maid and be lazy. However, OP should still have a chore to do. I've always envied the families that make dinner (cooking- cleaning up) a family affair.

dmbsolutions avatar
DMB SOLUTIONS
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can't want kids and then complain about the mess you have to clean up after them and do for them whether you work or not. That comes with having children, the same with getting married. Men would stay at home and do all the household chores and still have extra time just to prove a point. Point is, give the man the option to take care of the household and not be the bread winner and see what him be MORE than happy to do it and won't complain one bit about doing it all. The nerve to bring up, if a sahm had a salary...wtf, that's your house, your mess, your kids. You want someone to pay you to wipe your own butt too. That's the equivalent of a man saying I pay child support. Your supposed to clean up after yourself and should want to for FREE

chadatkinson avatar
Chad Atkinson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Was this Reddit post 3 years ago... All the comments here say posted 3 years ago. How is this an article? Also, I was a stay at home dad during Covid and homeschooled and still did all the housework with tons of free time. There is no argument for her at all here.

kevinbreen avatar
Kevin Breen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't fall for it.. she will be on couch all day on tik toc and her phone. Nothing good comes from this if she already doesn't want to do anything

maripenabad avatar
Mari Penabad
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everyone has to work. With how things are now economically both parents have to work. Not going to lie we women work and do full time at home as well, luckily for me my husband also does the same, but if I were to stay at home for sure I would have all things covered… it is only fair. Regardless the financial part of the problem will later on become a bigger hole in their lives as he is already slaving himself to get more pay and spending little time with the fam there is loss every way you put it and if there is no balance in the family ultimately ends up in divorce as the expectations didn’t match the reality. They should establish a plan seek financial support and look at all the pros and cons. Maybe for her is not leaving a full time but getting a part time job because it takes two to tango…

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Robin Dorantes
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Teamwork/marriage is supposedly about equitable distribution as well as caring and being reasonable; unfortunately, this wife is taking the "primadonna" highway and isn't much of a wife in My opinion. Mr. this is just the tip of the iceberg - I believe you're in for some bumpy rides with this one!

geritate avatar
Geri Tate
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He is 100% correct! I was a stay at home mom for 13 years. I had a vegetable garden, made most of my children's clothes, cooked 3 meals a day, kept house squeaky clean, home schooled children, taught piano lessons!!!! I loved it because it was worth it. No, we did not get hung up on material things which is usually why both choose to work! By the way, we lived in the city ( referring to garden). A Real home maker's job exceeds Any job outside of the home! The sad part about it is you don't get the accolade or appreciation as you would on outside jobs! No raise, no bonus check, rarely a thank you or I appreciate what you do! That being said, the hom maker has to understand that this is a sacrifice in which she/he is willing to do for the betterment of the children. I was one because if the children Otherwise, I would have pursued my career in which I did once the kids were older! Oh I forgot to mention that during that time I earned TWO MASTER'S DEGREES! Via hard times we made it!

caiusvanslooten avatar
Caius Lastname
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom was home often because she was an artist do both my parents had an income usually we didn't have breakfast together so not many dishes, every mess you made you cleaned up. If a shirt was dirty you trow it in the loundry basket. My mom vacuumed and did the loundry. On the weekend my dad would fix some things around the house (we had a very old home). This worked fine, you don't do every chore everyday, if the husband cleans up his own things as much as possible it's okay. The mom can teach her child to do chores to (when she's older) you could also try to make a construction were you both work half a week so you both stay at home. The person who is at home does all the chores for that day. (I'm single so live in a pretty small house so maybe it's not possible)

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Martha Vazquez
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No you’re not wrong, if she stay home, than she should be responsible for the whole ,house except the outside. Maybe in even get the kids ready to go to bed. Also help her in the weekends.

michellelolo1978 avatar
Michelle Mickle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think she made the comment about not being a housekeeper because she is already fully aware that she WILL be the housekeeper. Some of these people talking about SAHM being lazy... PLEASE. Her husband is acting like a jerk in this conversation. And some of these comments about 4 year olds being able to "take care of themselves". What a joke. Please stop acting like this husband is making the ultimate sacrifice for her because the way it sounds, he doesn't make enough money for this to even happen in the 1st place, but if it did, this womans daily life would be just as taxing. This conversation going the way it did tells me they function horribly as a couple and a lot of the replies tells me people have no clue...

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Some of these people talking about SAHM being lazy..." No one is saying SAHMs are lazy, but *this* woman most definitely is. She doesn't seem to think she should have to contribute to *any* of the housework while her spouse is out there working, taking on extra hours, stress, and responsibility at *her* behest, all so she can quit her job and spend time with her kid which, again I must stress, *she* asked for? How is HE being the unreasonable one, here, just because he expects her to share some of the workload? And he said he'd help out on the weekends, so really he's not getting ANY time off, while the wife at least gets a little break on those days. Hell, if these two ended up divorced I might just hunt this man down and marry him myself. If it meant I got to quit my job, stay home all day watching the kid and doing the daily chores for an hour or two, then getting dinner ready while he went out worked 60+ hrs a week, I'd sign up in a heartbeat.

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Bubbles and sparks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The kid is 4 and only more she wants to become a sahm? Yeah, right, she could have done that in the years before when it mattered more. Also, there is more then time enough to work in such a way that both parents can work and contribute okie still be there for their kids. Figure it out the both of you, start being adults and do what you chose to do, become parents.... Your kid didn't ask to be put on this earth, you made that choice, so now deal with it as so many generations before have dealt with their whole life.

annf avatar
Ann F
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What was the wife's response? Its fair that she does most of the housework and you help out at weekends.

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is it fair that *he's* expected to take on more hours, stress, and responsibility at work while *she* expects to sit around at home all day doing next to nothing? Especially when *she* was the one who wanted quit her job so she could be a full-time SAHM? What does she think that means, exactly? Just keeping an eye on the kid and having absolutely no other at-home responsibilities? That's ridiculous; it puts nearly *everything* on the husband. I think the SAHP keeping the house clean--not *spotless,* but halfway decent looking--while the kid colors in front of the TV, and cooking dinner on weekdays while your spouse goes out and puts in a ton of hours at a job they probably hate is more than fair, and I'd be saying the same thing if it was a SAHD who expected to do nothing while his wife went out and worked.

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Lien
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If my husband and I both work - we share household responsibilities. But when he is out of work, he does everything around the house. When I'm out of work - it's my responsibility. That is only fair. Being a couple means being a team. NTA

moss66ron avatar
Ron
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Neither are A, does hubs realize daycare is often absorbing that entire pay of the wife? Unless she was making above average pay then hubs is not taking the savings into account. Kids also get sick More when in daycare which equals lost wages, medicine and doctor fees. Additionally there is less wear and tear of the vehicle no longer needed for the job she leaves so it is bs he would need more hours, it actually sounds like an excuse to avoid chores Because he is a man...and lazier than the wife. When my kids were in daycare I realized my paycheck covered just that...daycare, gas, taxes. If she makes better money or decent money then this complaint would be more realistic.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I busted my back from doing all the work as a woman. A man is stronger as we all know from anatomy. But men cannot expect women to be physically as strong as they are because women weren't build like that. Ask anyone with knowledge in medicine or masseuse who feel the difference between female and male muscles. They expect women to work as hard as they do which is physically impossible. Then they should get a man-wife instead. You have a very good point. Kids get sick in daycare almost every week in Romania and Denmark from what I know so far.

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Jake VanWagoner
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm more or less having the same conversation with my girlfriend before we get married. We're basically on the same page -- staying home should involve as much work as working. We don't live together and she's working, we're just discussing how long she should keep working after we get married (there's 5 kids between the two of us). If the guy would be going from part time to full time, I'd say he's an a-hole, but if at full time they can't afford their lifestyle without her income, then she's the a-hole.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In this article's story, I cannot say that she is not right because it also depends on how strong she is. Women are weaker than men physically. So they cannot put in the same amount of work a man can. And it seems the husband is asking the wife to be a man and work like one, which is impossible and will make her ill. I was in a similar situation and agreed to do all household chores and everything I could while taking breaks and taking it easy. Well, it still didn't help because I ended up with a busted back forever, now I have pain even when I bend or bend to sit on a chair and the husband divorced me after ruining my health because he couldn't count on me anymore. So he ruined my health, I was there with him to help him out and now I am left alone and with a busted back.... So I cannot side with the husband in this story because I once did and that costed me my health... So keep that in mind, plus how much does daycare cost, the doctors appointments, checkups, consultations and meds

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Brittany Carter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dang y'all married people have it easy. I'm a disabled single mother of 4. I work overnights and spend my days with my kids and somehow manage to keep up with my house, cooking, kids school work, starting my own business, etc. How much housework could there possibly be with only one child and 2 adults?!

elnam63 avatar
Elena Schnaible
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she is becoming a SAHM . That should save on daycare expenses. Taking out the garbage at night would work for me , if you did that. Otherwise, the rest should be simple enough if she made a schedule of things to be done during the week. Not everything needs to be done everyday.

clwhitehead88 avatar
SelkieBlackfysh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's fair and reasonable. You want to stay home? Okay. Fine. She's got someone willing to take on all the work and responsibilities outside the house as well as financial responsibility for the household. The very LEAST she can do is take care of the household itself while at home. All day. Right? I get going out but surely she can at the very least take care of the house. Otherwise she's the a-hole. Entitled to not work and entitled to the fruits of his labor as it were. This is really too common and I've ended more relationships than I can count on a hand when it became clear the woman I was dating was actually just a little girl in a woman's body.

rozen1043 avatar
Eva Wallace
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't understand why she waited till the kid was 4? She'll be in Kindergarten next year.

kristinaferency avatar
Kristina Ferency
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I am a SAHM. I take care of the cooking, I love to cook, cleaning, errand running and finances/bill pay/budget and my husband loves to help me when he can on his days off but I make sure our house is clean and tidy and that our children are cleaning up after themselves. We are a team with a strong marriage and we support one another and we have great balance. This is fair in my opinion.

velvetjones avatar
Velvet Jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The original Reddit post is over 3 years old which would put this pre COVID. Really curious as to how this family is doing now...

iamemilyboss avatar
Emily
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a stay at home wife, not mom. Since I don't have to go to work physically anymore, im more than happy to take care of more chores around the house. There's no way it would be fair for my husband to work 50+ hrs each week and I just sit at home sipping margaritas all day!...also out of curiosity, child care is pretty expensive so I wonder if they factored that into what they would be saving each month by mom not working? My friend is a SAHM because the income she would make would go directly to child care, they weren't able to pocket any of it so they just decided it wasn't worth her working

danielszy0814 avatar
Monosyllabic girl
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely nta. I stayed at home with my sons as it would have cost more than I earned to pay for daycare for 2 infants. I did all the dishes, cooking, laundry etc and he took out the garbage and took care of the lawn on weekends. Before the kids we split everything according to taste....i hate vacuuming but don't mind cooking and dishes. If their dad had wanted to stay at home and I worked that would have been fine as well, each couple is different! Wondering why she waited until the kid is nearing kindergarten to decide to stay home. Sounds fishy, plus they can't afford it. If his work cuts off ability to earn ot they are screwed. Also wondering what the wife thinks is so difficult...with just one 4 year old she will have like an hour and a half of housework to do each day, tops.

ev_1 avatar
E V
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, but the discussion could have been done better. However, maybe wife should work part time at least.

stephalfbrotherinlaw avatar
Oscar Turing
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When someone tries to bully me into a clearly undesirable deal, insisting that it's fair, I propose switching sides. Then they have to explain why they won't take something they want you to take.

bmanclassics avatar
bman classics
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reverse the roles with her and be like... ok darlin but what if we had a son?? Would you let me stay home watch him grow more fishing trips etc. You go to work work the extra hours to become the bread winner come home and help clean up our messes that we have made through out the day!? ....bish get off cloud nine and take some responsibility! I cant even believe this is a discussion

kaylaprice avatar
Kayla Price
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't mind taking care of the household chores if he's the only one working, but now's he's on EI and thinks it's the same. Um no lol having chores done is not seasonal. Also NO Weekends either.

controledfate avatar
Kristin Satterfield
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A stay at home parent doesn't just take care of the kids. They clean the home. They do all the doctor's appointments. They ensure all bills are on time and paid. They cook. It's absurd that this woman believes her husband is asking too much. You are also saving on childcare. If you don't want the responsibility of a stay at home parent then keep working. The requirements are the same for every sahm I know of in America.

joshuaho avatar
Jay
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I guess they should first plan out, how much chores there is to do in the first place, based on their expected level of cleanliness/tidiness. How long would it take to do them? 3, 4 hours or 6+ hours? If it is anything 4 hours, if they shared the workload while both were working, it would mean they would need to spend 2 hours each. If it were more than 6 hours, it probably wouldn’t be possible in the first place without additional help. If you say I expect you to spend about 4 hours of efficient time doing chores, and even if it just happened that all the chores only take 4 hours then it sounds much better than saying you will handle all the chores. Assuming that 4 hours of chores beats 8 to 10 hours of work, and you still get to spend your time with your kid(s)… And really, if you work 10 to 12 hours a day and still have energy to do more than basic chores, I salute you.

lucifer2007 avatar
Nichole Mercer
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sahm moms work 24/7 they don't leave at 4-5pm everyday. Add up how much a full time live in nanny and housekeeper would cost plus overtime. Not to mention tutor and chauffer and accounting clerk if she manages the household finances.Sahm moms do several jobs. Yeah I think he could wash the dishes or something. Women get screwed whether they work or not. She's probably already doing 90 percent of the household chores.

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Completely agree with you. If I could like this more than once I would.

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Kiryn Silverwing
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I became a SAHM it was a given that I'd be doing pretty much all of the housework. He'll take out the trash from time to time, help me do the dishes after I cook dinner, but otherwise he's just so drained from work that he's not gonna be putting away laundry or vacuuming the floors. Our daughter is 6 now and mostly takes care of herself, if I weren't doing the housework I'd just be sitting around playing video games all day.

savannahyoung avatar
S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Although I would negotiate that her SAHM job (because it is an enormous responsibility) should have "hours" the way his job does. So like, from the time the child wakes up until whatever time the husband gets home is her "work day" or make it a simple 9-5 kinda thing. She handles everything until he gets home and from that point until the next morning, they share the load. Weekends can be free for all, everyone handles the housework, chores, etc. I think a SAHM could handle the household stuff during the day but definitely should not be a 24/7 housemaid.

savannahyoung avatar
S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and you could argue that all the household chores should be done by the time he gets home but that's just not reality, especially with a child. Even when it was just my husband and I, we could clean the whole house top to bottom and by the end of the day, we'd have to tidy up and run a load of dishes or something. It's almost never completely finished/clean.

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cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah cause American women are fed up with being their husbands mommies.

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Seymour Butts
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the problem with fn women. They don't want equality, they want preferential treatment. Then you have that idîot who states it's "unreasonable" to request. No, it fn isn't. If somebody is doing all the work and paying for everything, the other can do all the household chores and they can come home to a clean home and food on the fn table. No matter which gender it is. And before anybody talks sh*t, I've been a single father for 16 yrs so I did both. So many fn entitled females and îgnorant, white knighting beta cûcks.

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"This is the problem with fn women..." So I guess you missed the dozens of "entitled" women siding with the husband on this post and calling out the wife for being lazy, but sure, go off, I guess.

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Loni miller
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am a stay at home mother of 2. I am happy to stay busy and productive all day, taking care of the house, chores, groceries, food prep, picking up and dropping off children to and from school and other classes. I love that my family can come home to a clean lovely home. I don't expect my husband to do any of the house work, not because he is a "man" but because it is my role to play as he faithfully does his role. We make sacrifices to live as a one income home. But to have a parent home for our children and good food made every night for dinner, the sacrifice is all worth it. If you "stay home" you should take care of home ... and yes its alot of work... mostly work that goes un noticed like cleaning the bathrooms or dusting... it is what it is and needs to be done. I think people get caught up in the identity crisis, being labeled a "housekeeper " it's not just any house, it's your house... make it the best place you possibly can. I personally like being a "home maker".

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi Mrs. Dugger. Can you link the go fund me for your son when he is arrested for child p0rn?

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Donna Ciaccio
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

First of all, they're not "kids", they're "children". Second of all, she should be glad that he is providing a house to "keep", as then they are BOTH contributing to their investment. Marriage and parenting is teamwork, not always a 50/50. Her role is to care for the ones she loves, to provide meals and a clean environment. That's the least she can do.

kinsey avatar
BeepBeepBoopBoop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

why do you say there's a difference between kids and children?? They have the same meaning. Children is just slightly more formal. Elaborate please... I'm stuck on that part and can't get over it

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Becky Boat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is completely fair. I was a stay at home Mom of 3 kids plus 3 extra kids that belonged to a friend and 2 sister in laws who could not afford daycare. These were preschool aged children. I still easily kept my house clean, cooked, did laundry, shopped for groceries, mowed the lawn, paid the bills etc. It wasn't difficult unless you just want to sit on your lazy but and watch T.V. or waste time on the internet. My husband provided everything we needed without complaints. Since I was lucky enough to raise my own kids knowing they wouldn't be molested, abused or have to be subjected to daycare employees that hate the job they ended up with the least I could do was take care of our home and our kids.

bonnie_8 avatar
Bonnie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He right,,it fair she not only gets to spend more time with children an he will lose time by working more. Yes she should take responsibility for cleaning the home,,she will get all benefits,,eat when she wants,,take breaks,,talk on phone,,an have a clean home. Women do it all the time plus stay at home dads do the same so what is her problem. On husband side on this debate.

rosezettarobinson avatar
Rosezetta Robinson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nta. She had too much of a negative reaction to your request. I think she is up to more than spending extra time with your daughter. Besides if she wanted to create memories with her she has all weekend. Take a PTO day once a month and designate it mommy daughter day. There are a million ways to spend more time with your kid without becoming a sahm. So what did she think she was going to do all day?

dawson_angela25 avatar
VeeNut N Angie Dawson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a sahm for about 10 years and i kept the house spotless I cooked I did pretty much all of the inside housework. My husband did all the yard work and worked 40 plus hours a week. To act like there should be some division on the house work when shes sahm and hes working is ridiculous house work is split when both parents work outside the home but once she quits her outside the home job her job becomes the home and she should shoulder that responsibility. If she cant handle doing hubbys share of the housework in exchange for staying home then she needs to keep working.

liz43213 avatar
Cheryl Pope
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's the agreement my husband and i have. Even though we both work. If either one of us is out on a medical leave or a staycation the other takes care of the house work.

judithweyers avatar
Judith Weyers
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a simple situation where mutual respect for each individual in a marriage should have doe each other. Whomever stays at home should be responsible for the general house work. The fact that you stated you would help on the weekends should have shown that you are cognizant of how much it takes to handle raising tour daughter and keeping a house running. There is a stigma that is attributed to doing housework, one being that it is demeaning and rhe other that it is backbreaking. Yes it is physical but it can be broken up into more manageable chunks and even get your daughter to help out so setting up good habbits for when she grows up she will be able to care for her home and family. The last point I would like to make is the stay at home mom gets to spend time with her daughter and enjoy her growing up before your eyes. There is no mention of the dad missing out on these precious times not to mention her now losses an additional 10 to 14 hours a week of his daughter's growth.

hopetirendi avatar
Hope Tirendi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's not the ahole but she sure is! She wants to quit her job and then contribute nothing because in her mind he should still do half the housework??? What is wrong with this group of women who think they are owed a free ride in life? Her parents did a lousy job preparing her for adult life. Not to mention what happens in less then a year when the kid starts Kindergarten??? Hmm then what will she do all day...get her hair and nails done. OP your wife needs to stay at her job and stop being lazy and pathetic.

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Kristina Hall
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stay at home person takes care of house and kids.... What is she going to do all day? Besides that child is about to start school full time, what then. Y'all need to talk about this. How long this will last. I have always been a house wife, that means I care for the house and all those in it, yes even my husband. This woman wants to set at home and watch daytime tv all day? Besides, being taking care of a house and 4 kids is all about a good schedule. Less that 2 house on cleaning if you have a good schedule.

italy5820008 avatar
Italia58
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA-Divorce her…NOW! She’s tryna run game on you and man’shame your intelligence at the same time. Shut it down. Should you cave take control of the fiancés immediately and give her a household allowance. Anything extra. She’s gotta work for it. Tell her any extra money you make goes for the kids college fund and stick to it. This is 2922 bout to be 2023! Er body in the house gotta work and that’s on period! What’s she thinking!! And I’m a WOMAN!

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah I can tell from your username you have the mentality of 1600s Italy (and I'm Italian). Give an allowance? Really? Is she a child? How much is her husband going to be saving in daycare expenses, maids, cooks, medical expenses as well as therapists? Since the mother can actually BE there for her child instead of allowing daycare to raise her? And raising a child and taking care of a house and husband is a FULL TIME JOB. SHE IS WORKING!!! As a woman you should know better! SAHMs don't sit on their butts all day. It's a lot of work!!

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italy5820008 avatar
Italia58
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA-Divorce her NOW!!! She’s pulling a scam and trying to man shame you. Stand your ground or you’ll be working two jobs. If you cave and give in take full control of the fiancés and give her a household allowance. In case anyone’s thinking…I’m a woman.

ladybuglove1017 avatar
Artie B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From what I've read, this sounds more like a massive case of miscommunication where the husband has a bad tone and the wife went in defensive mode and both probably sounded like jerks to the other. Also, about the actual debate, I think a lot more info about the amount of work and finances is needed before people start jumping down stranger's throats. But that's just my opinion :-)

celinakiss avatar
Celina
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YTA being a stay at home caretaker of children or even just one child requires work and at the end of the day, when you come home from work, she'll be exhausted too. My parents split work like that, where he earns most of the income and she does the housework. She is constanly exhausted as there is not a single momemt during the week that he works and she doesn't. Housework is work too.

bonnieboas avatar
Bonnie Boas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The physical toll working like our fathers and grandfathers worked meant they never got to rest either, and when they retired they were too worn out to enjoy it. Our mothers and grandmothers let them rest, because they knew it needed to be done. They didn't complain like we do now, not because it wasn't hard, but because they knew better than we do now. We're too sheltered and whiny these days. It's not making the world any better.

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kathy jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good for him-screw her. I would LOVE to stay home with my kid and do fun things all day and simple housework and not have to drive to WORK 5 days a week.. give me an effin break… take kid to zoo- the beach- walks in park with dog.. that would kick a*s…. …. No we did day care cuz my wife wanted to work after our girl turned 4. That was her choice

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is that what you think SAHMs do? I don't even have kids but appreciate the time it takes to raise children. I know people who were teachers that quit to stay at home. I have worked with many men that busted their butts so their wives could either stay at home or work part time to be with the kids, then they gave mom a day off and did the housekeeping or hired someone.

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conlyc avatar
C OnlyC
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agreed to be the homemaker and my husband the career earner. For 30 years I ran a frugal beautiful healthy home with celebrations and activities. My husband loafed.at work, never sought promotion, worked long hours, and stuck to his role of doing no homemaking. Now he's retired and I am taking vacations without him and have hired a housekeeper and generally do little homemaking. He took advantage of me for 30 years and now he is stressed and without much money to enjoy retirement. We each made our choice and agreed, it's not my fault he is in this predicament when I brought my concerns to him periodically over the years. And here we are. I love him but I'm not going to compensate for his choices; I have retirement too. These agreements don't always go as planned!

conlyc avatar
C OnlyC
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why the downvotes? Because a homemaker should never retire? Because I learned to sew and can and saved a portion of my hoisehold budget for gifts, charity, and a rainy day? Because my husband deserves more freeloading byhaving me spend my time and money recreating with him when he put forth no effort to take me on trips or contribute to the home life and ignored my flexibility and encouragement for him to work smarter not harder? Actually what is the negativity? I'm genuinely curious

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Mike willett
Community Member
1 year ago

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she should have already been doing the majority of the house work that's what wives do. that's why you get married. I dunno what females dont get about being submissive and playing their role in the relationship. it's the guys job to bring in the money for the most part and it's the womans part to tend to the home and the kids period. tell that ungrateful woman to either keep working or buy an apron. we'd all love to quit our jobs and watch cartoons all day but we cant.

kinsey avatar
BeepBeepBoopBoop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ew ew ew that's all I have to say. Women are not made to do housework. That is not their only job. Men can do housework too! In this situation in the story, she should be doing housework. But what if it was a stay at home dad? Would you still expect the woman that works all day to do all the housework? All I can do is hope that you're a troll.

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Darth Starfish
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. No, you're not being sexist, you're not being lazy; in fact you'd be taking on about a dozen extra hours a week for her to even do this....... I mean, does she not think you deserve some rest and also an opportunity to spend quality time with your daughter? I'd say she takes that arrangement or she continues to contribute income to the household.

travellingtrainer avatar
Hey!
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with this too. I think the wife is the one being lazy. He's going to have to put long hours in a single day and sometimes during the weekend. Surely she can clean the house, prepare meals and get the washer/dryer going. A 4 y.o. is almost ready for kindergarten and needs minimal attention from a parent. Unless they have more children, what is she going to do? I was a SAHM for 13 years. I was either pregnant, breastfeeding or both. My husband cleaned the floors, which I didn't like doing but he didn't mind. But he also took care of the car, trash, etc.

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laura edwards
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You want to know an ahole. My former spouse had me drop.the baby at daycare so he could play video games at home. When I returned home I was expected.to cook and clean. That's an ahole.

samantha-hinson-sh avatar
Helena
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The kid is 4 and school bound. Just how relevant is this fight? One kid who will soon be in school.

19jackspence87 avatar
Jack S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's using the sahm reason as an excuse to do nothing. This isn't about sexism it's about laziness. She's just using trigger words to make the dude feel bad knowing full well he doesn't mean it like that so he caves. This is definitely a make or break situation for that couple.

19jackspence87 avatar
Jack S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also. There are tons of WFH jobs these days. Surely she can do something part time right? Especially when the sprog goes to school or whatever.

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Kathryn Baylis
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If they really need both incomes, but the wife wants to stay home with the child, could she possibly find a WFH job? Even a part-time one would help, and at least cover one or two bills or the groceries or something. At least enough to take some stress off the husband—-remember, every extra hour he works is an hour he doesn’t get to spend with their child, and maybe he prefers not to be falling asleep when he spends time with them. Too many men of my parents’ generation never got to connect with their children at all—-were.virtual strangers to them—-because they were supposed to be the breadwinners and their wives were supposed to be homemakers. Things did get better when women started working outside the home, so it would be a shame to have that disconnect happen to a younger generation as well.

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes. Kids that age go to bed early. Those extra 2 hours every day might mean he barely sees his child during the week. The child is likely to be in pre-school half a day, too, so that would give the mother time to pick up a bit of work. My mom stayed at home with us when we were babies and started to work part time when we started school. When she was full-time at home, she was "responsible" for the house work, but what that really meant was that she did her very best to stay on top of it, and when my dad came home, he would be involved with us and helping out with whatever needed doing. It was unusual for his generation but I think it worked well. It wasn't a hard rule that all the housework must be done by her, but it was primarily on her as she was at home. They both worked equally. They were functioning partners and could be flexible with each other. As she started to work more outside the home, he did more in the home. Plus we were getting older and could do more as well.

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AJ Claymore
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. If my wife ever starts making enough where I can be a house husband, you best believe I'll be doing all the chores and making sure to have dinner on the table when she gets home. My wife has the education and career that may one day allow me to do that and I have two retirements from my time in law enforcement that will kick in when I turn 65 so that's not a concern. Ultimately I'll be happier if it happens, but I'm also fine if it never does.

rodfergie avatar
Roddfergg
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I ended up leaving my job because of surgery, and I was out of work for about 26 months altogether, so during that time I was a stay-at-home dad. During that time, my house was immaculate, all the kids made their extracurriculars with no problems, their homework was always done in checked, and all meals were prepared. It was great being able to spend the extra time with my kids, and I still had more free time than I really knew what to do with. Yes, I would still be doing some laundry, or cleaning up after dinner when she was home, but a job to make money was always more work.

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Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago

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If you couldn't work for over 2 years because of a surgery how could you do all the housework? Doing laundry itself can be exhausting with children and your wife changing clothes after school and work, towels for showers and bed linens, unless you just waited months to wash those. And you were driving your kids while disabled?

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cateharris avatar
Amused panda
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, I can see where OP is coming from. 100% no chores would not be fair as he'll presumably (not sure on the country so don't know entitlements) get time off work so SAHM shouldn't have to be doing 100% chores on 365days/years, but OP has already stated he'll help out weekends he just doesn't want to weekdays whilst working longer hours. Since OP would have to work those longer hours to fund his wife's wish for to be a SAHP, this seems fair. Also, a 4yo doesn't usually need watching every minute of the day, so if OP's wife does become SAHM it should be possible to do some of the routine chores during whilst OP is at work. Surely it would be better for her to cover the chores, insofar possible, during the daytime so both parents get to spend quality time with daughter and also so OP doesn't burn out trying to cover the costs if his wife stops working.

lil-lauzie-10 avatar
The Doom Song
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I work part time my partner full time. I'm the one who does all the housework and walks the doggo coz he works a 12 hour day.

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago

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Good for you. This is about people with children, not a dog. I know how much cheaper a good pet sitter is than a babysitter.

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Shauna Hayden
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is BS. NTA. I don't currently live with my partner but we both work. When I'm off I go to his and I clean and cook while he works, it takes maybe 3 hours out of his 8 hour shift, the rest of the time I relax and enjoy my day. If we have children, that time would be spent looking after them. And that's with a job. If we lived together and I didn't work at all I wouldn't see a need for him to do housework, id have it done! She's just lazy and needs a reality check. Work or look after the home. No one should use a partner to have a lay about life.

ajbrant avatar
AJ Brant
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

To anyone commenting on this and thinking that OP is the AHole, you work 50-60 hours a week and then see if you can even do anything else after getting home. It doesn't say anything about travel time to/from work but I did 50-60 hours with a 90 minute drive time one way. All you want to do is get cleaned up and go to bed. It is NOT fun at all. And I was single at that time so I was doing it all.

brandonparisien avatar
Brandon Parisien
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is 3yrs old, that kid is 7 now....no updates and user deleted.

vpwitter avatar
Valerie Witter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think NTA, but you should absolutely not start talking like she does nothing all day or talk about your paycheck as “your money”. This happened to me and I was really p****d off. I think that, yes, she should do most of the housework since you are working more hours. Please say this in a conversational tone and not like you are throwing down a gauntlet.

cassilyris avatar
Cassi Lyris
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, but you didn't have to be an @sshole about it. When my husband and I crunched numbers we determined that I was basically working to pay for child care and I already did the lion's share of housework. So, when I became a stay at home mom this was basically our agreement. It worked out well for us. It's damned near impossible to work 60+ hours a week and clean effectively, especially if you have a very physically demanding job. But like I said, you talk these things out like adults, not arguing children.

rogers-roy666 avatar
Dave
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's not a marriage, it's two people holding each other hostage.

paulwerner_1 avatar
Paul Werner
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

don't sweat it my now ex-wife and I did this and in less than 2 yrs she was dying to go back to work,she was dying for some adult interactions as I was hardly there

alisa-fender avatar
Honu
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom stayed home for 6 years until both of us started school. She always said she was glad she had that option and loved being with us, but she also missed talking to grownups.

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althea_armwood avatar
Althea Armwood
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't disagree, BUT the real question is, how is the housework currently split? Is she currently expected to do most of the work now while working? If no,t then when would she be allowed to be "off work" as the SAHM? Many people either don't realize or understand that the duties of the stay at home spouse should include down time, even if it's not always convenient. The husband is acknowledging that HE would need time to rest, but SAHM is a job as well and deserves periods of rest just as if she left the home every day to work.

lynettebutcher avatar
Lynette Butcher
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not one mentions that there would not be day care costs now if she stays home. I m sure a great percentage if not all in some cases all goes to day care. That's also needed to be discussed.

azahariaffendi avatar
Azahari Affendi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

TBH, fairness is not something that can be achieved between humans, but cooperation is mor of the thing. His wife sitting at home might save some money, they dont need to send to day care, pay for outside food, and maybe save for school bus fees. The point is, be tolerate, being the only income source doesnt make you a king. As long everyone playing their part everything will be fine. Him expecting everything at home to be fine is not wrong at all, if everything at work (income) is well taken cared off by him as well.

dominiquechristine avatar
Dominique Christine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I don't have any children, but my chronically ill mother lives with my fiance and I. I don't work because I take care of her throughout the day (i.e, preparing her meals, medication management, her laundry, etc). Even with the responsibility of caring for my mother, I do ALL of the household chores, make all the meals, take out the trash, clean the shower and toilet, clean the floors (you get it). And I am happy to do it. I am happy to take care of our home because that's what a partnership is. He makes it possible for me stay home to help my mom, he makes it possible for my mom to live with us without financial contribution. He works from home, but my God does he work hard and work long hours. He pays the bills and I make sure the home runs smoothly. Weekends are for him to sleep in, watch sports and just relax. I never ask for help with the chores because I'm a capable adult and I don't want to ever add to his stress. His wife needs to do her part with NO complaints.

annie_dec20 avatar
Annie Martinez
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well the child benefits from a parent staying at home, it is both parents child. They need to work together to make it happen. This doesn't mean he can so nothing, sure working in an office is hard but so is the work at home. Cleaning, organizing, cooking, taking care of the child, etc so yes his wife should expect him to do some.work at home every day. I don't think he or she are bad, I just think he is seeing it as a gift for his wife and not as something good for his child. They need to talk and figure out what each will do.

fayegreen avatar
Faye Green
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom was a stay at home. She kept the house clean while she kept an eye one me, when I was 6 months old and still in my playpen. When I be napping, my mom would run down stairs to put a load of laundry in and mop the floors till I woke up from my nap then run the vacuum cleaner while i was in my playpen. At 2 yrs old I would mimic my mom cleaning. She always had time to teach me to recognize shapes, colors, color in the coloring book and drew pictures with me, make lunch, read to me and sing to me a beautiful Irish lullaby. Mom was always there for me growing up, instilled morals, etiquette, and faith. Mom was a friend, nurse, counselor, psychiatrist, peace maker, and a very patient Goldy woman. Wherever she went people loved her, she never judged, all that shown was love and grace. No, you are right.., if your wife stays home with her child then she also needs to keep the house tidy, cook. Women today are way different than women back in the 1940s, 50s,60.

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agree with you mostly, but the husband can help too. Sounds like your Mom was a wonderful blessing. I try to do this with my daughter. I homeschool her and work part time at home and part time outside the home so it's full time (single mom with little to no financial support from the ex). My child is completely worth it but it is a 24/7 job.

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tarsa13 avatar
CL Rowan
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

How much money are they saving with her at home? Child care is hellishly expensive, as most people know. She could be saving quite a bit of money for the household by staying at home. Perhaps having someone go over their budget (or creating one) will keep hubby from 'overworking'. On another note~~I worked 50 hrs a wk (restaurant management) and *still* had to do most of the housework. I'm *not* overly sympathetic to the hubby's plight...

pavlinag avatar
Pavlina G
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Holy moly. I seriously cannot believe this. If two adults live in a house, they both need to look after it. I had a high paying, full time job. Then I quit working because of my son’s disability. There is no freaking way. My husband would come home and help around the house while I cooked. Then he usually washed up after, I tend to clean as I go so this was mainly loading the dishwasher, washing the pots and wiping off surfaces. I would make a lunch for everyone, I drove the kids to school and my husband to work. I had to be on it on no notice because my kid sometimes needed to be picked up with no notice. So, even though I was a SAHM, that job is not parking the kids in front of the TV and sitting on my a*s all day.

c_devine avatar
Seedy Vine
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP, your time with your child will be even more diminished. I remember having a SAHM who was overbearing. How I wished I that had more time to bond with my father! This doesn't seem fair to you in the least. Please consider not having any more children with this woman. She might try tricking you into it!

bribear2u avatar
Anna Mortensen
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was laid off while pregnant and our daughter had complications that ended up making me a SAHM. For a very brief amount of time her father thought me staying at home meant he had to do nothing. Then we broke down exactly who ended up working more every week... It was me. By about 20 hours a week. That changed his perspective. Yes, I do a most of household cleaning, home schooling, and errands. But when he comes home, I'm off the clock too. At that point we're just a regular couple that splits the evening chores, like dinner dishes and putting the kid to bed. It works for us, but then again he's never considered me lazy or diminished the work I do at home.

loreittat avatar
Loreitta M Tuthill
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think much of the contention was the way you addressed it. You could have been kinder, more tactful. Realistically it was a given the home front needs would shift. Explain as much as you'd like to help you won't be able to since your work hours would be increasing. Obviously she isn't lazy, but she will have more available time to do more on the home front. You might also suggest she make a honey do list of projects you can help with on the weekend. Also how about a part time job she can do that matches daughters school hours. Then no day care expenses and you won't need to increase your hours as much. There are options but making demands isn't the best way to approach it. Sit down together and list the pros and cons, how can you make this work.

thekitkatlizard avatar
TheKitKatLizard
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wants to force you to work longer hours, and then has the audiencity to be offended because you except her to do the housework you're basically paying her to do...

suebradleytimmy avatar
Sue Bradley
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My only point to add is that a 4yr old will be going to school very soon, so this will leave a lot of time free for the Mum

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In the US kindergarten is usually only a half day. That means day care in the summer, spring break, thanksgiving break, Christmas/New years break...that's a lot of money for child care.

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dodsonmichelle avatar
Celtic Pirate Queen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Over the past 15 years my husband and I have morphed into a very 50s type of marriage. We married later in life, so all of our kids are grown and gone. I started working part-time after about 3 years, but a chronic illness makes working now impossible. So he makes the only income & I do basically everything else. If I'm having a bad day, he makes his own dinner and cleans up after himself. It's not that hard.

ashleyaubel avatar
Ashleaf Green
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is she planning to homeschool? This child is ready to go to school. This is not the time women usually decide to stay home. This is the time they decide to go back to work. I sense an alternative motive here since she’s refusing to take on the home as her career, since her daughter will be in school at least next year for sure. This is scetch. I smell a fish. A lazy, self-serving one. Unless she is planning to homeschool and do it right, there’s something wrong with this situation entirely.

d_nicolehiljus avatar
D. Nicole Hiljus
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This sounds crazy to me. If one party stays home then the home is that parties job right? If both parties are working then they both chip in on the home right? I'm not clear on what this woman is expecting. She wants to stay home with the child have the husband pay the bills, then he's supposed to come home and work some more. She's not being made into a housekeeper it's him being made into a slave.

lcdp avatar
LCD P
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a woman, I will say his wife is being so unfair!!! For one, she should appreciate the fact that he's even considering carrying the household all by himself. Two, their child is four....... Not four months. Four years old, dang it! The wife is tired of working and wants a break to lay on her behind and do nothing. She should say that. Now, that the daughter is four, she wants to spend extra time with her? Huh? SHE sounds lazy and inconsiderate. Didn't he say he would help with chores on the weekends? Goodness grief, lady. Poor hubs needs a break too. It also sounds to me like he can't afford it. He'll be completely bald in two weeks flat. She'll be complaining he has no extra time for the family, he bald headed, and now she can't get her nails done.... Bad idea!

othornhill6792 avatar
Mrs.Pugh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wtf does she think sahm means???? Nta and you're not sexist, she's just a bit...slow.

anikarfi avatar
Daman dan
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My wife is a teacher. During the school year she's always busy with work...literally all the time!! I also work a lot, days, nights weekends but I get days off during the week so I can take care of a lot of stuff then. We do whatever we can around the house whenever we can. During the summer, I tend to work obscene amounts of hours (60-80 a week) while she is off. She takes care of pretty much everything and I just pass out on the couch...if i make it that far. Point is, the person who is at home and not working takes care of the chores. Simple as that! You're family not roommates figure it out!

achaiadust avatar
Liam Lowenthal
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's a bit weird complaining about doing all the housework. I'm a stay at home, my husband works. My husband is exhausted when he gets home, and he doesn't have to but he takes the trash out for me. That's helpful enough since my knee is messed up and we're in the second floor. You know keeping a house isn't *that* hard unless you're like.. living in a mansion or a ranch right? Unless you're not keeping up with it, and let it get really messy by the end of the week, you're doing a few dishes a day, a couple of meals and picking up stray things around the house. Laundry isn't that bad either, we bought a tiny washer for our apartment and I hang dry them every half week. Hell I can clean the baseboards and scrub the bathtub everyday, I have time. My friend has two kids and she's a stay at home too, she does all the chores and her house is at best slightly askew cause if the slew of kids toys. That's it. I don't think he's the a*****e, it sounds like the guy is planning on working a lot

touhouneko avatar
Touhou Neko
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I'm a stay at home dad since my wife's company brings a lot of money. She works very hard and I'm grateful for that that's why I do like all of the house chores, I wait for her with warm food, do the cleaning, dishes, give her attention and so on it's nothing hard about that. Home chores can be exhausting as well, but as long you put the effort your partner puts in their work should be ok. Now if he or she is lazy then divorce is in the order, you are noone's work slave home or at a job. Sexism should be a thing of the past of who should provide for the family. You either contribute with money or with chores, take it or leave it...

yukiamariyo avatar
Yuki Amariyo
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I wouldn't mind if she would do 8 hours of home chores a day then rest like work requirements are as well. That's why I always look carefully for a partner that is modern thinking and not medieval that men should provide for woman it's equal rights now woman can provide for a man as well. Everything needs to be shared if one works other should too, even if at home. If your man or woman just sits at home doing literally nothing that don't differentiate than having a gigolo or prostitute. You basically pay for his/her services.

marcludwick avatar
Marc Ludwick
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If he's gonna pay all the bills she can take care of the house, it's called compromise and cooperation. If she doesn't like it then she can stay at her job. If she quits her job regardless then she still needs to pay her part.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I cannot say that she is not right because it also depends on how strong she is. Women are weaker than men physically. So they cannot put in the same amount of work a man can. And it seems the husband is asking the wife to be a man and work like one, which is impossible and will make her ill. I was in a similar situation and agreed to do all household chores and everything I could while taking breaks and taking it easy. Well, it still didn't help because I ended up with a busted back forever, now I have pain even when I bend or bend to sit on a chair and the husband divorced me after ruining my health because he couldn't count on me anymore. So he ruined my health, I was there with him to help him out and now I am left alone and with a busted back.... So I cannot side with the husband in this story because I once did and that costed me my health...

othornhill6792 avatar
Mrs.Pugh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the wife's problem. she wanted to be a sahm in the first place, wtf does she think that means?

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themaire65_1 avatar
Marilynn Berry
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If someone would pay my bills, pay for my food, clothes, entertainment etc...they would not have to worry about dishes, dust, not finding clean drawers to wear or vacuuming. But,as he stated, some things on the weekends i.e. mowing the lawn,taking the garbage out,taking the car(s) for an oil change.

safyra199421 avatar
Ausrine Ciapaite
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everything depends on the circumstances. If the daycare is cheap then it is understandable that husband would like the wife to work. Also kindergartens are great place for kids to socialise, develop necessary skills for school and future interactions. On the other hand, if kindergartens cost as much as one's salary, then perhaps it's the best for one of the parent to stay at home but again, things need to be agreed on. Looking after a kid is not easy, you can't put them in the corner while you do household duties. Especially if there will be more kids in the future. Some household duties must fall on father's shoulders. If there is miscommunication like in this case and both sides are getting upset, he should ask her why exactly she wants to be SAM after whole 4 years. Kid will start school soon after all and she is might be ruining her career with such a time gap (depending on a profession). I believe there are some underlying issues there.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A lot of bullying happens there also. I have seen it and experienced it. That's why I would always pretend to be sick as not to go there and be bullied.

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denavettor avatar
Dena Vettor
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When my kids were born, I'd have given anything to be a SAHM! But my husband was not good at holding on to jobs. In his case, the kids were in expensive daycare, I worked two jobs, and he was usually home watching HBO! This woman is way entitled! She's lucky you're even considering this considering the apparent need for her income. Can she work part-time? I think that keeping the house is part of being a SAHM. I'm sure that you don't expect her to clean out the garage or paint the house as normal housework. She sounds lazy and entitled! It's not the1940s anymore!

bubs623 avatar
Bubs623
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Different opinion here. How much did they pay the daycare provider? How much more is it worth having a 'childcare provider' who actually loves, cares about and will be educating that child along the way? What is that worth? Watching a child all day is not relaxing and often consumes every waking moment. That's why you PAY a daycare provider. The SAH parent is now a whole host of other tasks. Yes, she can pick up the slack if the dad is exhausted but for him to come home and sit on his a*s while she is just as exhausted - that isn't "fair" either. I've had dads choose to become SAH & realize how much actual WORK it is. What is it worth for their child to be raised by a parent instead of a stranger? Must be a partnered effort

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love your comment. ❤️ Sadly someone downvoted it but I balanced it out by up voting it.

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malloryl_1 avatar
Mallory L
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA doing housework is part of being a stay at home parent, especially when the kids four and needs minimal supervision, heck she can even get the kid to help, I have a home daycare and kids that age love to put the laundry in and turn the dial push the button, help put dishes away, if you get a fun fluffy duster, even a microfiber one with nubbies they'll go to town dusting what they can reach and she should already be cleaning up after herself, putting toys away, putting plate in the sink after lunch. I don't know maybe she has fantasies of going on grand outings everyday but even then shes going to run out of things that are free in about a week and kids don't want to go to the same playpark every day

kathrin-s_jack avatar
Kathy
Community Member
4 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From a woman: NTA at all. The one not working is responsible for the household. Period. It doesn't matter if it's a stay-at-home mom or dad. As soon as either one has a job, household responsibilities are split.

skitenoir avatar
millac
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...why did she wait until the child is 4? 4 year old don't need all that much watching, AND would be in pre-school, at least part time. Doing this at 4 months, I would understand. At 5, she'd be in kindergarten. Is the wife only going to do this for a year and then go back to work? Is she expecting this to be permanent, even after their child goes to school full time?

edavellaneda avatar
El MasChingon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

man f**k this lady wants to stay at home but not do anything, stay working then

residentstone avatar
Resident
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nta, wife is lazy and entitled. Kid will be in kindergarten soon. What she gonna do? Cheat online, drink and watch tv all day? Gimme a break!

joshjjohnston1969 avatar
Joshuah Johnston
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was in a same-sex marriage for 15 yrs. (he sadly passed last year). He worked a full time day job and had a part-time seasonal job. For years I worked part time at a nightclub. It shut down 6yrs ago.I took up selling things on E-Bay, other than that I did the housework. When he came home I fixed dinner while he relaxed after work. We were both happy with our lives. So maybe I'm using an unfair equivalent (we had no children) but if my husband said he couldn't help out, especially during the month he worked two jobs, could I argue he's being "sexist?" If I argued: "he's treating me like a housewife," would that fly? If the roles were reversed, how many people would assume, 'he's probably a typical guy who just wants to play x-box while the wife is at work.' If the housework is too overwhelming, find a fair compromise, make up and get back to being a loving family. You never know when it might suddenly end....trust me.

emjohnson_1 avatar
EM Johnson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sounds like wife no longer wants to work. Child is about to go to elementary school and then full time. I will say what others won't...Coworker didn't want his wife to go to school or work, just focus on kids. She divorced him and took so much of his salary as alimony, man was depressed. He told me now he recommends every spouse push the other one to either work or further their education. Her trying to be a SAHM now is a red flag. He should tell her not now because things will be tight financially. She's already mad.

jennmbowman avatar
J B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ESH. She's TA because she thinks she won't have to take on any additional household responsibilities even though she's at home all day. He's TA for thinking he doesn't have to do ANYTHING during the week. It can be smaller stuff like washing the dinner dishes, but you don't get to do absolutely nothing at all.

valica810 avatar
Valerie Mace
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Um HELLO, stay @ home mom to a 4 yr old. Definite NO she will be going to school, so what mom plan 2 do all day.

pattyo_1 avatar
firecrackershrimp
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Also no one seems to mention in original post, if he's working longer hours outside the house, when is he supposed to get his daddy bonding time with his child ??? That's why he shouldn't have to do chores on weeknights, when he gets home from work he should get some time to spend with his child. Weekend they can share chores and have family time. But she should handle most of the household stuff during the week while he's at work. And they have to allow some time for each of them to have some alone time too. Everyone seems to be beating him up for not considering her thoughts on the matter. But why didn't she think it thru when she presented him with the idea? What did she think was going to happen when she stopped working and he has to work more to make up the funds?

katmin avatar
Kat Min
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Women, DO NOT STOP WORKING!!! Seriously, it drives me nuts how many women just give up their incomes. Are you mad?? Adn why are fathers not allowed to see their children except for a few hours? What kind of backwaterish attitude is that?

crystalruiz avatar
Crystal Ruiz
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Lol, she wants to be a SAHM and 1st of all they can't afford it. 2nd she still wants him to do half the chores and 3rd she wants to do it when her kid is about to, or already has, started school. The only fair thing to do is do most, if not all, the chores, that's part of the deal, she's not gonna do what a day care does for 8 hours a day and then do chores, she'll have all day to be doing then, especially since they're kid is 4. If he's gonna pay for everything then she has to also so everything of something, and considering he will arrive home and help with child care, that can't be it, so the only thing left is the chores, and if she does them, everyday, it'll only be around 2 to 4 hours, or even less if they're kid picks up their own messes, which at that age they should. And also, what is she supposed to be doing during school? Just sitting around waiting for their kid to come out? This is equality, it isn't sexist nor unfair in any way.

synthwolfe avatar
Nathan Wolfe
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I own an operate a company, but during the winter. My industry slows to a crawl. Meaning I basically take the role of a stay at home dad. And during this time, I handle all the chores, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I still get free time. Its not the constant rush that people make it seem. And its nice, especially when you consider that during warmer months, when my industry is at its fullest and fastest, I literally work from before sun up to after sun set. I barely get a moment of peace and 8 hours to sleep.

bradedge avatar
Brad Edge
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

just one kid? seriously? just one damn kid is too much for you to take care of the house too. must be nice.

realcharlene avatar
Real Charlene
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA- IF ONLY YOU ASKED HER NICELY ABOUT IT. BUT SEEING HOW SHE QUICKLY REACTED YOU'RE A SEXIST TELLS ME EITHER IT'S HOW YOU'VE RELAYED IT TO HER OR HOW SHE INTERPRETS IT, BUT HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS. First, seeing how the man offended the wife about "expecting to handle almost all house chores" - I wonder how he conveyed the message to her? how are they atm when it comes to the doing the chores exactly? Seems like they already have had an issue seeing how she overreacted about it if I am to believe these are from her own words (It's sounds me at the office telling myself, am I a maid here? Whenever my co workers who are men leaving their dirty dishes all around the office, like wtf men?) THE DELIVERY, CHOICE OF WORDS & HOW IT SOUNDED MATTERS. Second question, why does it seem to me like - they heavily rely on the wife's income. like the husband's pay won't be sufficient alone. Maybe, they need to re-access their expenditure? MAYBE THEY ARE SPENDING WAYYY TO MUCH BEYOND THEIR CAPACITY?

peacehoneyhaze avatar
PeaceHoneyHaze
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. However how it was worded you're a d**k. She had that child. She probably was at one time; a SAHM before. She probably feels she's missing out on her daughters growth. I want to clarify, 90% of moms that leave work to be a SAHM is because daycare costs SO MUCH. It's Cheaper to stay at home and watch your own child. With that said, she can still work from home. So just because YOU are upset cos' YOU don't get the choice to drop out of work, because you CAN'T watch and maintain your child all day and still get stuff done. Maybe before her leaving. You need to take a WHOLE DAY off and stay home with your daughter and do EVERYTHING you expect your wife to do, whilst you're at work. I'm a SAHM and I've got a completely physically disabled husband. We are both home with our child and I do ALL the house work, Child care. Etc.And I also work, am the sole "breadwinner" you claim to be. No disability$. Grow up, you both are responsible. You guys decided to have a child. Own it. Work it

skylarjaxx avatar
Skylar Jaxx
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Kid is four unless kid is unhealthy The kid can help. Mom would be home doing nothing. Because the kid should be preparing for or in preschool. Mom wants to do nothing. She should be responsible for 99 percent of the chores. Him trash and like he said his weekend help, mop a floor one or two days but the rest should most def be on the wife. If she working ten hours she can work at at least three. If your house isn't nasty that's all it should take daily three hours of that. Hopefully she don't park the kid in front the TV and call that sah momming.

marypigott_1 avatar
Mary Pigott
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a SAHM because my income wouldn't have been a significant bonus to us. On the other hand, claiming dependants was a significant tax savings as my ex ran a business. I didn't mind doing the traditional "mom" chores, cooking, cleaning, shopping, kids, etc. I also took on garbage, lawn and garden (we had over an acre). I even did painting and dug ditches, landscaping, helped with renovations to our home. My ex did practically nothing at home except his paperwork from his construction business. What got to me was his constantly complaining about the situation, and how I didn't earn anything, and what did I do all day, etc etc..

jainehannath avatar
Jaine Hannath
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It is interesting that no one considers how much this couple / wife actually spend on the child's day care every month. A lot of money, I imagine. So the wife's present bring home pay is depleted before bread is put on the table. My other thought is the child's need for socialisation and play and learn through interaction with other children in an informal setting as well as in a structured group setting. Dad is saying what will work for him. Mom is saying what will work for her. As parent's they should think about what is best for their daughter.

deminaylor avatar
Dembly
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The child is 4 and goes to school next year or maybe even s few months.. what is her plan then? Continue to stay at home or is it time for another baby so she can *continue* to stay at home.. writing her job and making the husband take on extra work should mean she does the cows applicable for the same time period and then they both share the evening chores (dinner, kids evening routine etc..

mntwinsfan77 avatar
Steve
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely NTA. The kid is 4 what is she gonna do when school starts. I farm and have the winters fairly free but had been taking care of the 2 kids who are now 7 and 5 and once they hit 5 they are in school full time. She absolutely should have all of the household chores done and if the kids need something she should be able to do it. You shouldn't even really have to do chores on the weekend. A 4 year old can pretty much take care of themselves she should have more than enough time in the day to get everything done. Sorry she's just lazy and playing the sexist card makes her a dumb B.

carissaschneider avatar
Carissa Schneider
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

People forget that a SAHM was traditionally never just a SAHM. They were a "homemaker." Anyone who wants to stay home all day should take the homemaker role. Hell, I work a full time job, part time job, and do 95% of the chores because I believe in traditional roles. Being a SAHM would only make my life easier even with 100% of the chores.

vickihensondriver avatar
Vicki
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Absolutely, she should be responsible for at least 95% of the house, inside and out. Watch adding any more landscaping or things that require more upkeep, including pets and more things to dust. However, no push mower, but self propelled. Keep your house simple and just large enough to live in. And holy cow, do not add a pool and learn to love staying home, because it comes with many sacrifices, including vacationing and all those things some woman want.

kimberlymarino avatar
Kimberly Marino
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So she will be doing the job they were paying a day care provider to do. I'm not understanding why the big deal when he says he will help on the weekends. I was a SAHM and if your starting with a clean home there is only upkeep. The house is a finite area that can be kept tidy with little effort. Doing the cooking and laundry also not a huge time eater. The child will be in school in a year...seems like a silly argument. She needs to do her job and take care of the child and the home during the work week while he says he will help out on the weekends. I was raised this way as were most in my generation. Mom did the house and kids and cooking and dad did dad things on the weekend. Worked for my parents who were married almost 60years. If you can't navigate one year of life I don't see this working long term ....sadly

sunnieroach85 avatar
Sunnie Roach
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The comment saying you dont get to unilaterally give her your terms? Why thats what she did. I do not think it is ok on either side to decide for both without discussing it. No he may not get to do that without discussion but she doesnt get to just say hey Im doing this either. I also think its a dumb move on her part. Its never smart to not have somewhat of an income of your own that you chip in together but have your seperate stuff too. A) people often will seek sincere but are more than willing to use up their partners and discard them when things get rough you may think never your husband or never your wife but everyone thinks that. Its fine to think that but be safe anyway and have your own income. B) life happens, any bump to the breadwinner or the stay at home and say they become incapacitated somehow. The other is so unable to just do both. If he dies her and her kids are screwed and vice versa. It doesnt have to be financial abuse or someones intentionally power tri

iffatshaheen avatar
Iffat Shaheen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Even being a female, I would support that husband. For many reasons, first of all, he respected her decision for being house wife. Second, in this era where you have to work hard to make your earnings, he took a step and decided to work extra hours to be " Man of House" , so wife should have respected that. If after working extra hours, he is asking for little rest, that is reasonable. In some cultures, , majority of women are house wives and they don't only take care of house chores, but also kids , as well as elderly In Laws( Father in Law and Mother in Law ) who lives with their sons in those societies. Its all about laziness from Wife' s side :).

kevinfelton avatar
Kevin Felton
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I would tell her that you've actually decided to be the stay at home parent and that you'll need her to either get a second job or find a way to schedule an extra 10 to 15 hours a week at her current job, however she'll still need to do her half of the house work because you'll be too busy bonding with your children. Something tells me she won't be as amenable as she expects you to be. In the end though it won't matter because she can quit her job and still expect you to pick up the extra hours. Don't like it? Well she'll just leave you and take the money anyway all while telling your kids what a POS you are. The best part is if she waits until after you pick up those extra shifts she can get more money because of your higher income. Face it, you screwed up by having kids with an entitled manipulative b***h. Your best bet is to get a vasectomy (without telling her) and hold out until your youngest is 18. At this point there is no winning this argument, there's only degrees of losing.

ericraitanen_1 avatar
Eric Raitanen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While NTA, she would be having to be the sole parent for an extra 2 hour plus some Saturday time. The correct way to evaluate would be to consider what expenses need to be cut while in your current role for you to be sole provider. It's too risky to flirt with burn out and resentment to ask her to be the sole adult at home and you to be nothing more than a worker and lazy roommate. Also, if you do decide to go to one income, any money you make should 100% be shared with wife, or even more resentment will occur.

ericraitanen_1 avatar
Eric Raitanen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In reply to myself, the wife should do most of the household chores to make the evenings as stress free as possible and allow you some dad time before bed and unwind time.

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theafineout avatar
Thea Fineout
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Well as a stay at home Mom I do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning as well. However no one person can do everything there is to do in a household. My husband works hard and I don't ask much from him but he also understands that the cabinets and drawers are in disarray and things are going to be dirty sometimes. You can't be a stay at home parent and sit your kid in front of the TV all day while you clean. Anyone who has an email are house spins many hours a day cleaning.

divineallah avatar
Divine Allah
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's a perfect trade off she's just showing she doesn't like work whether in the house or out.

paradise384 avatar
Jessica Macklemoore
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

WTF IS WRONG W/EVERY1!? I DONT think HTA, but he & commenters sure as hell r actin like raisin a kid & bein responsible 4 ALL THE HOUSEWRK, COOKING etc is not real wrk! Its fair 2 ask her 2 do MOST of it, but not ALL! As a nanny 4 yrs, I KNO watchin a kid ALONE is EXHAUSTING,let alone chores 2, & JUST AS MUCH WRK AS WAITRESSING! Id b MORE tired from the nannying tbh! Theres a reason nannys & maids r paid so much!but u xpect wifey 2 do ALL chores includin YOUR laundry, meals, messes etc while u sit around all wk doin NUTHIN aftr wrk & havin dinner made 4 u? Uthink its fair she now has a 24/7 job but hes wrkin 50 hrs? RAISIN A KID/DOIN ALL HOUSEWRK IS A 24/7 JOB w/no break! I grew up seein my mom bust a*s 4 us, makin ALL our meals, appts, drivin, hw help, etc- my dad wrked 70 hrs as a therapist. If hed expected wat this guy did,id hav said he was sexist. Many adults wrk 60 hrs & live alone so they still hav 2 do it all thmselvs! EQUALITY IS NOT HER DOIN 100% OF EVERYTHING 4 U!

featherscatherine avatar
Catherine Feathers
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Try this. We had one child, both worked full time jobs. I was lucky to work a regular 40 hr week, four days a week. My husband worked 5.5 days a week and put in at least 60 sometimes 70 hours. I took care of all the house and child including any running, taking her everywhere I went and taking her to doctors and childcare. My husband took care of yardwork, planted gardens for food, raised hogs. He went hunting and fishing on his days off. We both harvested the gardens and canned. His hunting and fishing raising meat kept our freezer full of good food. I was an immaculate house cleaner and was blessed with quality time with our child. We went fishing together sometimes. We went to the mountains on Christmas vacation. I was able to take them park vacations with my daughter and my husband took three weeks for mule deer hunting. Before my daughter was born I went with him. A battle with cancer left hubby disabled, now I am his caregiver. 39 years together-No complaint

patriciasandoval avatar
Cipi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Certainly you are right. I am sure was your tone that triggered her answer. It's a wonderful idea mommy can take care of children but That's make me think why bring children if you can't afford to raise them. One of you has to work just to pay for daycare.

cfri avatar
C Fri
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He should have beat her to the punch and quit his job to be a stay at home dad.

alsobrookd1 avatar
Debrah Ward-Alsobrook
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a stay at mom of four for many years then went back to work when they were grown as a therapist. My job was to run the house, that included the majority of the shopping, cleaning, cooking and most of the child rearing. My husband would help me if I asked but he worked 30 days on and 30 days off much of the time. He chose to do things like the yard work but was supportive of me and I supported him. I don’t think your being sexiest. Division of labor that simple. Your wife needs to grow up.

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Wow. That's a lot of gobbledygook! Maybe you should have stayed home and read a dictionary.

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rob_59 avatar
Rob
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Robert Harris Jr well I was married once but we didn't have kids in the household we both worked so on the weekend we cleaned the our place together I would do the bathroom and bedroom and she would do the living room and kitchen for example but I was raised by my grandparents because both of my parents worked all the time my mom dad worked and my grandma took care of the household so she had his dinner ready for him when he got home she made her own bread she would fix me a plate with bacon and bread with some delta cane flavor syrup and she would tell me about the world as she cooked I was between four and six and I will never forget what she said because I could see and feel the emotion when she said she felt that my granddad didn't didn't really love because she told me when I did get older and have a girlfriend or wife don't get her to cook and clean for you be with her because you love her beside that staying home you can take a break when you want too real talk

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So you're another man expecting his wife to have dinner ready for him on demand. So glad you haven't had kids.

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shawnnaclement avatar
Shawnna Clement
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Discuss the situation with financial details and without emotions at 100%. Childcare and transportation would currently be eating away at wife's PT salary. It's possible she's only breaking even. Maybe she could get a WFH job or schedule work during the hours that OP is home. I'm a SAHM with kids 13 and 6. It's more mentally and physically demanding than my old FT job because it never ends. It's also easy for your family to start treating you like a maid and be lazy. However, OP should still have a chore to do. I've always envied the families that make dinner (cooking- cleaning up) a family affair.

dmbsolutions avatar
DMB SOLUTIONS
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

You can't want kids and then complain about the mess you have to clean up after them and do for them whether you work or not. That comes with having children, the same with getting married. Men would stay at home and do all the household chores and still have extra time just to prove a point. Point is, give the man the option to take care of the household and not be the bread winner and see what him be MORE than happy to do it and won't complain one bit about doing it all. The nerve to bring up, if a sahm had a salary...wtf, that's your house, your mess, your kids. You want someone to pay you to wipe your own butt too. That's the equivalent of a man saying I pay child support. Your supposed to clean up after yourself and should want to for FREE

chadatkinson avatar
Chad Atkinson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Was this Reddit post 3 years ago... All the comments here say posted 3 years ago. How is this an article? Also, I was a stay at home dad during Covid and homeschooled and still did all the housework with tons of free time. There is no argument for her at all here.

kevinbreen avatar
Kevin Breen
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't fall for it.. she will be on couch all day on tik toc and her phone. Nothing good comes from this if she already doesn't want to do anything

maripenabad avatar
Mari Penabad
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everyone has to work. With how things are now economically both parents have to work. Not going to lie we women work and do full time at home as well, luckily for me my husband also does the same, but if I were to stay at home for sure I would have all things covered… it is only fair. Regardless the financial part of the problem will later on become a bigger hole in their lives as he is already slaving himself to get more pay and spending little time with the fam there is loss every way you put it and if there is no balance in the family ultimately ends up in divorce as the expectations didn’t match the reality. They should establish a plan seek financial support and look at all the pros and cons. Maybe for her is not leaving a full time but getting a part time job because it takes two to tango…

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Robin Dorantes
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Teamwork/marriage is supposedly about equitable distribution as well as caring and being reasonable; unfortunately, this wife is taking the "primadonna" highway and isn't much of a wife in My opinion. Mr. this is just the tip of the iceberg - I believe you're in for some bumpy rides with this one!

geritate avatar
Geri Tate
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He is 100% correct! I was a stay at home mom for 13 years. I had a vegetable garden, made most of my children's clothes, cooked 3 meals a day, kept house squeaky clean, home schooled children, taught piano lessons!!!! I loved it because it was worth it. No, we did not get hung up on material things which is usually why both choose to work! By the way, we lived in the city ( referring to garden). A Real home maker's job exceeds Any job outside of the home! The sad part about it is you don't get the accolade or appreciation as you would on outside jobs! No raise, no bonus check, rarely a thank you or I appreciate what you do! That being said, the hom maker has to understand that this is a sacrifice in which she/he is willing to do for the betterment of the children. I was one because if the children Otherwise, I would have pursued my career in which I did once the kids were older! Oh I forgot to mention that during that time I earned TWO MASTER'S DEGREES! Via hard times we made it!

caiusvanslooten avatar
Caius Lastname
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom was home often because she was an artist do both my parents had an income usually we didn't have breakfast together so not many dishes, every mess you made you cleaned up. If a shirt was dirty you trow it in the loundry basket. My mom vacuumed and did the loundry. On the weekend my dad would fix some things around the house (we had a very old home). This worked fine, you don't do every chore everyday, if the husband cleans up his own things as much as possible it's okay. The mom can teach her child to do chores to (when she's older) you could also try to make a construction were you both work half a week so you both stay at home. The person who is at home does all the chores for that day. (I'm single so live in a pretty small house so maybe it's not possible)

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Martha Vazquez
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No you’re not wrong, if she stay home, than she should be responsible for the whole ,house except the outside. Maybe in even get the kids ready to go to bed. Also help her in the weekends.

michellelolo1978 avatar
Michelle Mickle
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think she made the comment about not being a housekeeper because she is already fully aware that she WILL be the housekeeper. Some of these people talking about SAHM being lazy... PLEASE. Her husband is acting like a jerk in this conversation. And some of these comments about 4 year olds being able to "take care of themselves". What a joke. Please stop acting like this husband is making the ultimate sacrifice for her because the way it sounds, he doesn't make enough money for this to even happen in the 1st place, but if it did, this womans daily life would be just as taxing. This conversation going the way it did tells me they function horribly as a couple and a lot of the replies tells me people have no clue...

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"Some of these people talking about SAHM being lazy..." No one is saying SAHMs are lazy, but *this* woman most definitely is. She doesn't seem to think she should have to contribute to *any* of the housework while her spouse is out there working, taking on extra hours, stress, and responsibility at *her* behest, all so she can quit her job and spend time with her kid which, again I must stress, *she* asked for? How is HE being the unreasonable one, here, just because he expects her to share some of the workload? And he said he'd help out on the weekends, so really he's not getting ANY time off, while the wife at least gets a little break on those days. Hell, if these two ended up divorced I might just hunt this man down and marry him myself. If it meant I got to quit my job, stay home all day watching the kid and doing the daily chores for an hour or two, then getting dinner ready while he went out worked 60+ hrs a week, I'd sign up in a heartbeat.

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Bubbles and sparks
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The kid is 4 and only more she wants to become a sahm? Yeah, right, she could have done that in the years before when it mattered more. Also, there is more then time enough to work in such a way that both parents can work and contribute okie still be there for their kids. Figure it out the both of you, start being adults and do what you chose to do, become parents.... Your kid didn't ask to be put on this earth, you made that choice, so now deal with it as so many generations before have dealt with their whole life.

annf avatar
Ann F
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What was the wife's response? Its fair that she does most of the housework and you help out at weekends.

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is it fair that *he's* expected to take on more hours, stress, and responsibility at work while *she* expects to sit around at home all day doing next to nothing? Especially when *she* was the one who wanted quit her job so she could be a full-time SAHM? What does she think that means, exactly? Just keeping an eye on the kid and having absolutely no other at-home responsibilities? That's ridiculous; it puts nearly *everything* on the husband. I think the SAHP keeping the house clean--not *spotless,* but halfway decent looking--while the kid colors in front of the TV, and cooking dinner on weekdays while your spouse goes out and puts in a ton of hours at a job they probably hate is more than fair, and I'd be saying the same thing if it was a SAHD who expected to do nothing while his wife went out and worked.

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Lien
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If my husband and I both work - we share household responsibilities. But when he is out of work, he does everything around the house. When I'm out of work - it's my responsibility. That is only fair. Being a couple means being a team. NTA

moss66ron avatar
Ron
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Neither are A, does hubs realize daycare is often absorbing that entire pay of the wife? Unless she was making above average pay then hubs is not taking the savings into account. Kids also get sick More when in daycare which equals lost wages, medicine and doctor fees. Additionally there is less wear and tear of the vehicle no longer needed for the job she leaves so it is bs he would need more hours, it actually sounds like an excuse to avoid chores Because he is a man...and lazier than the wife. When my kids were in daycare I realized my paycheck covered just that...daycare, gas, taxes. If she makes better money or decent money then this complaint would be more realistic.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I busted my back from doing all the work as a woman. A man is stronger as we all know from anatomy. But men cannot expect women to be physically as strong as they are because women weren't build like that. Ask anyone with knowledge in medicine or masseuse who feel the difference between female and male muscles. They expect women to work as hard as they do which is physically impossible. Then they should get a man-wife instead. You have a very good point. Kids get sick in daycare almost every week in Romania and Denmark from what I know so far.

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Jake VanWagoner
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm more or less having the same conversation with my girlfriend before we get married. We're basically on the same page -- staying home should involve as much work as working. We don't live together and she's working, we're just discussing how long she should keep working after we get married (there's 5 kids between the two of us). If the guy would be going from part time to full time, I'd say he's an a-hole, but if at full time they can't afford their lifestyle without her income, then she's the a-hole.

adlibitum_1 avatar
Ad Libitum
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

In this article's story, I cannot say that she is not right because it also depends on how strong she is. Women are weaker than men physically. So they cannot put in the same amount of work a man can. And it seems the husband is asking the wife to be a man and work like one, which is impossible and will make her ill. I was in a similar situation and agreed to do all household chores and everything I could while taking breaks and taking it easy. Well, it still didn't help because I ended up with a busted back forever, now I have pain even when I bend or bend to sit on a chair and the husband divorced me after ruining my health because he couldn't count on me anymore. So he ruined my health, I was there with him to help him out and now I am left alone and with a busted back.... So I cannot side with the husband in this story because I once did and that costed me my health... So keep that in mind, plus how much does daycare cost, the doctors appointments, checkups, consultations and meds

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Brittany Carter
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Dang y'all married people have it easy. I'm a disabled single mother of 4. I work overnights and spend my days with my kids and somehow manage to keep up with my house, cooking, kids school work, starting my own business, etc. How much housework could there possibly be with only one child and 2 adults?!

elnam63 avatar
Elena Schnaible
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If she is becoming a SAHM . That should save on daycare expenses. Taking out the garbage at night would work for me , if you did that. Otherwise, the rest should be simple enough if she made a schedule of things to be done during the week. Not everything needs to be done everyday.

clwhitehead88 avatar
SelkieBlackfysh
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's fair and reasonable. You want to stay home? Okay. Fine. She's got someone willing to take on all the work and responsibilities outside the house as well as financial responsibility for the household. The very LEAST she can do is take care of the household itself while at home. All day. Right? I get going out but surely she can at the very least take care of the house. Otherwise she's the a-hole. Entitled to not work and entitled to the fruits of his labor as it were. This is really too common and I've ended more relationships than I can count on a hand when it became clear the woman I was dating was actually just a little girl in a woman's body.

rozen1043 avatar
Eva Wallace
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't understand why she waited till the kid was 4? She'll be in Kindergarten next year.

kristinaferency avatar
Kristina Ferency
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. I am a SAHM. I take care of the cooking, I love to cook, cleaning, errand running and finances/bill pay/budget and my husband loves to help me when he can on his days off but I make sure our house is clean and tidy and that our children are cleaning up after themselves. We are a team with a strong marriage and we support one another and we have great balance. This is fair in my opinion.

velvetjones avatar
Velvet Jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The original Reddit post is over 3 years old which would put this pre COVID. Really curious as to how this family is doing now...

iamemilyboss avatar
Emily
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm a stay at home wife, not mom. Since I don't have to go to work physically anymore, im more than happy to take care of more chores around the house. There's no way it would be fair for my husband to work 50+ hrs each week and I just sit at home sipping margaritas all day!...also out of curiosity, child care is pretty expensive so I wonder if they factored that into what they would be saving each month by mom not working? My friend is a SAHM because the income she would make would go directly to child care, they weren't able to pocket any of it so they just decided it wasn't worth her working

danielszy0814 avatar
Monosyllabic girl
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Definitely nta. I stayed at home with my sons as it would have cost more than I earned to pay for daycare for 2 infants. I did all the dishes, cooking, laundry etc and he took out the garbage and took care of the lawn on weekends. Before the kids we split everything according to taste....i hate vacuuming but don't mind cooking and dishes. If their dad had wanted to stay at home and I worked that would have been fine as well, each couple is different! Wondering why she waited until the kid is nearing kindergarten to decide to stay home. Sounds fishy, plus they can't afford it. If his work cuts off ability to earn ot they are screwed. Also wondering what the wife thinks is so difficult...with just one 4 year old she will have like an hour and a half of housework to do each day, tops.

ev_1 avatar
E V
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, but the discussion could have been done better. However, maybe wife should work part time at least.

stephalfbrotherinlaw avatar
Oscar Turing
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When someone tries to bully me into a clearly undesirable deal, insisting that it's fair, I propose switching sides. Then they have to explain why they won't take something they want you to take.

bmanclassics avatar
bman classics
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Reverse the roles with her and be like... ok darlin but what if we had a son?? Would you let me stay home watch him grow more fishing trips etc. You go to work work the extra hours to become the bread winner come home and help clean up our messes that we have made through out the day!? ....bish get off cloud nine and take some responsibility! I cant even believe this is a discussion

kaylaprice avatar
Kayla Price
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't mind taking care of the household chores if he's the only one working, but now's he's on EI and thinks it's the same. Um no lol having chores done is not seasonal. Also NO Weekends either.

controledfate avatar
Kristin Satterfield
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A stay at home parent doesn't just take care of the kids. They clean the home. They do all the doctor's appointments. They ensure all bills are on time and paid. They cook. It's absurd that this woman believes her husband is asking too much. You are also saving on childcare. If you don't want the responsibility of a stay at home parent then keep working. The requirements are the same for every sahm I know of in America.

joshuaho avatar
Jay
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I guess they should first plan out, how much chores there is to do in the first place, based on their expected level of cleanliness/tidiness. How long would it take to do them? 3, 4 hours or 6+ hours? If it is anything 4 hours, if they shared the workload while both were working, it would mean they would need to spend 2 hours each. If it were more than 6 hours, it probably wouldn’t be possible in the first place without additional help. If you say I expect you to spend about 4 hours of efficient time doing chores, and even if it just happened that all the chores only take 4 hours then it sounds much better than saying you will handle all the chores. Assuming that 4 hours of chores beats 8 to 10 hours of work, and you still get to spend your time with your kid(s)… And really, if you work 10 to 12 hours a day and still have energy to do more than basic chores, I salute you.

lucifer2007 avatar
Nichole Mercer
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sahm moms work 24/7 they don't leave at 4-5pm everyday. Add up how much a full time live in nanny and housekeeper would cost plus overtime. Not to mention tutor and chauffer and accounting clerk if she manages the household finances.Sahm moms do several jobs. Yeah I think he could wash the dishes or something. Women get screwed whether they work or not. She's probably already doing 90 percent of the household chores.

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Completely agree with you. If I could like this more than once I would.

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Kiryn Silverwing
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I became a SAHM it was a given that I'd be doing pretty much all of the housework. He'll take out the trash from time to time, help me do the dishes after I cook dinner, but otherwise he's just so drained from work that he's not gonna be putting away laundry or vacuuming the floors. Our daughter is 6 now and mostly takes care of herself, if I weren't doing the housework I'd just be sitting around playing video games all day.

savannahyoung avatar
S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. Although I would negotiate that her SAHM job (because it is an enormous responsibility) should have "hours" the way his job does. So like, from the time the child wakes up until whatever time the husband gets home is her "work day" or make it a simple 9-5 kinda thing. She handles everything until he gets home and from that point until the next morning, they share the load. Weekends can be free for all, everyone handles the housework, chores, etc. I think a SAHM could handle the household stuff during the day but definitely should not be a 24/7 housemaid.

savannahyoung avatar
S
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

and you could argue that all the household chores should be done by the time he gets home but that's just not reality, especially with a child. Even when it was just my husband and I, we could clean the whole house top to bottom and by the end of the day, we'd have to tidy up and run a load of dishes or something. It's almost never completely finished/clean.

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cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah cause American women are fed up with being their husbands mommies.

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Seymour Butts
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is the problem with fn women. They don't want equality, they want preferential treatment. Then you have that idîot who states it's "unreasonable" to request. No, it fn isn't. If somebody is doing all the work and paying for everything, the other can do all the household chores and they can come home to a clean home and food on the fn table. No matter which gender it is. And before anybody talks sh*t, I've been a single father for 16 yrs so I did both. So many fn entitled females and îgnorant, white knighting beta cûcks.

spectra22 avatar
Agent Tuna Ghost
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"This is the problem with fn women..." So I guess you missed the dozens of "entitled" women siding with the husband on this post and calling out the wife for being lazy, but sure, go off, I guess.

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Loni miller
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I am a stay at home mother of 2. I am happy to stay busy and productive all day, taking care of the house, chores, groceries, food prep, picking up and dropping off children to and from school and other classes. I love that my family can come home to a clean lovely home. I don't expect my husband to do any of the house work, not because he is a "man" but because it is my role to play as he faithfully does his role. We make sacrifices to live as a one income home. But to have a parent home for our children and good food made every night for dinner, the sacrifice is all worth it. If you "stay home" you should take care of home ... and yes its alot of work... mostly work that goes un noticed like cleaning the bathrooms or dusting... it is what it is and needs to be done. I think people get caught up in the identity crisis, being labeled a "housekeeper " it's not just any house, it's your house... make it the best place you possibly can. I personally like being a "home maker".

curtiswilford avatar
Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hi Mrs. Dugger. Can you link the go fund me for your son when he is arrested for child p0rn?

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Donna Ciaccio
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

First of all, they're not "kids", they're "children". Second of all, she should be glad that he is providing a house to "keep", as then they are BOTH contributing to their investment. Marriage and parenting is teamwork, not always a 50/50. Her role is to care for the ones she loves, to provide meals and a clean environment. That's the least she can do.

kinsey avatar
BeepBeepBoopBoop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

why do you say there's a difference between kids and children?? They have the same meaning. Children is just slightly more formal. Elaborate please... I'm stuck on that part and can't get over it

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Becky Boat
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That is completely fair. I was a stay at home Mom of 3 kids plus 3 extra kids that belonged to a friend and 2 sister in laws who could not afford daycare. These were preschool aged children. I still easily kept my house clean, cooked, did laundry, shopped for groceries, mowed the lawn, paid the bills etc. It wasn't difficult unless you just want to sit on your lazy but and watch T.V. or waste time on the internet. My husband provided everything we needed without complaints. Since I was lucky enough to raise my own kids knowing they wouldn't be molested, abused or have to be subjected to daycare employees that hate the job they ended up with the least I could do was take care of our home and our kids.

bonnie_8 avatar
Bonnie
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He right,,it fair she not only gets to spend more time with children an he will lose time by working more. Yes she should take responsibility for cleaning the home,,she will get all benefits,,eat when she wants,,take breaks,,talk on phone,,an have a clean home. Women do it all the time plus stay at home dads do the same so what is her problem. On husband side on this debate.

rosezettarobinson avatar
Rosezetta Robinson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nta. She had too much of a negative reaction to your request. I think she is up to more than spending extra time with your daughter. Besides if she wanted to create memories with her she has all weekend. Take a PTO day once a month and designate it mommy daughter day. There are a million ways to spend more time with your kid without becoming a sahm. So what did she think she was going to do all day?

dawson_angela25 avatar
VeeNut N Angie Dawson
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was a sahm for about 10 years and i kept the house spotless I cooked I did pretty much all of the inside housework. My husband did all the yard work and worked 40 plus hours a week. To act like there should be some division on the house work when shes sahm and hes working is ridiculous house work is split when both parents work outside the home but once she quits her outside the home job her job becomes the home and she should shoulder that responsibility. If she cant handle doing hubbys share of the housework in exchange for staying home then she needs to keep working.

liz43213 avatar
Cheryl Pope
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's the agreement my husband and i have. Even though we both work. If either one of us is out on a medical leave or a staycation the other takes care of the house work.

judithweyers avatar
Judith Weyers
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a simple situation where mutual respect for each individual in a marriage should have doe each other. Whomever stays at home should be responsible for the general house work. The fact that you stated you would help on the weekends should have shown that you are cognizant of how much it takes to handle raising tour daughter and keeping a house running. There is a stigma that is attributed to doing housework, one being that it is demeaning and rhe other that it is backbreaking. Yes it is physical but it can be broken up into more manageable chunks and even get your daughter to help out so setting up good habbits for when she grows up she will be able to care for her home and family. The last point I would like to make is the stay at home mom gets to spend time with her daughter and enjoy her growing up before your eyes. There is no mention of the dad missing out on these precious times not to mention her now losses an additional 10 to 14 hours a week of his daughter's growth.

hopetirendi avatar
Hope Tirendi
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

He's not the ahole but she sure is! She wants to quit her job and then contribute nothing because in her mind he should still do half the housework??? What is wrong with this group of women who think they are owed a free ride in life? Her parents did a lousy job preparing her for adult life. Not to mention what happens in less then a year when the kid starts Kindergarten??? Hmm then what will she do all day...get her hair and nails done. OP your wife needs to stay at her job and stop being lazy and pathetic.

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Kristina Hall
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Stay at home person takes care of house and kids.... What is she going to do all day? Besides that child is about to start school full time, what then. Y'all need to talk about this. How long this will last. I have always been a house wife, that means I care for the house and all those in it, yes even my husband. This woman wants to set at home and watch daytime tv all day? Besides, being taking care of a house and 4 kids is all about a good schedule. Less that 2 house on cleaning if you have a good schedule.

italy5820008 avatar
Italia58
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA-Divorce her…NOW! She’s tryna run game on you and man’shame your intelligence at the same time. Shut it down. Should you cave take control of the fiancés immediately and give her a household allowance. Anything extra. She’s gotta work for it. Tell her any extra money you make goes for the kids college fund and stick to it. This is 2922 bout to be 2023! Er body in the house gotta work and that’s on period! What’s she thinking!! And I’m a WOMAN!

cmkar avatar
CM Kar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yeah I can tell from your username you have the mentality of 1600s Italy (and I'm Italian). Give an allowance? Really? Is she a child? How much is her husband going to be saving in daycare expenses, maids, cooks, medical expenses as well as therapists? Since the mother can actually BE there for her child instead of allowing daycare to raise her? And raising a child and taking care of a house and husband is a FULL TIME JOB. SHE IS WORKING!!! As a woman you should know better! SAHMs don't sit on their butts all day. It's a lot of work!!

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italy5820008 avatar
Italia58
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA-Divorce her NOW!!! She’s pulling a scam and trying to man shame you. Stand your ground or you’ll be working two jobs. If you cave and give in take full control of the fiancés and give her a household allowance. In case anyone’s thinking…I’m a woman.

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Artie B
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

From what I've read, this sounds more like a massive case of miscommunication where the husband has a bad tone and the wife went in defensive mode and both probably sounded like jerks to the other. Also, about the actual debate, I think a lot more info about the amount of work and finances is needed before people start jumping down stranger's throats. But that's just my opinion :-)

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Celina
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

YTA being a stay at home caretaker of children or even just one child requires work and at the end of the day, when you come home from work, she'll be exhausted too. My parents split work like that, where he earns most of the income and she does the housework. She is constanly exhausted as there is not a single momemt during the week that he works and she doesn't. Housework is work too.

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Bonnie Boas
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The physical toll working like our fathers and grandfathers worked meant they never got to rest either, and when they retired they were too worn out to enjoy it. Our mothers and grandmothers let them rest, because they knew it needed to be done. They didn't complain like we do now, not because it wasn't hard, but because they knew better than we do now. We're too sheltered and whiny these days. It's not making the world any better.

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kathy jones
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Good for him-screw her. I would LOVE to stay home with my kid and do fun things all day and simple housework and not have to drive to WORK 5 days a week.. give me an effin break… take kid to zoo- the beach- walks in park with dog.. that would kick a*s…. …. No we did day care cuz my wife wanted to work after our girl turned 4. That was her choice

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Mason Kronol
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Is that what you think SAHMs do? I don't even have kids but appreciate the time it takes to raise children. I know people who were teachers that quit to stay at home. I have worked with many men that busted their butts so their wives could either stay at home or work part time to be with the kids, then they gave mom a day off and did the housekeeping or hired someone.

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C OnlyC
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I agreed to be the homemaker and my husband the career earner. For 30 years I ran a frugal beautiful healthy home with celebrations and activities. My husband loafed.at work, never sought promotion, worked long hours, and stuck to his role of doing no homemaking. Now he's retired and I am taking vacations without him and have hired a housekeeper and generally do little homemaking. He took advantage of me for 30 years and now he is stressed and without much money to enjoy retirement. We each made our choice and agreed, it's not my fault he is in this predicament when I brought my concerns to him periodically over the years. And here we are. I love him but I'm not going to compensate for his choices; I have retirement too. These agreements don't always go as planned!

conlyc avatar
C OnlyC
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why the downvotes? Because a homemaker should never retire? Because I learned to sew and can and saved a portion of my hoisehold budget for gifts, charity, and a rainy day? Because my husband deserves more freeloading byhaving me spend my time and money recreating with him when he put forth no effort to take me on trips or contribute to the home life and ignored my flexibility and encouragement for him to work smarter not harder? Actually what is the negativity? I'm genuinely curious

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Mike willett
Community Member
1 year ago

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she should have already been doing the majority of the house work that's what wives do. that's why you get married. I dunno what females dont get about being submissive and playing their role in the relationship. it's the guys job to bring in the money for the most part and it's the womans part to tend to the home and the kids period. tell that ungrateful woman to either keep working or buy an apron. we'd all love to quit our jobs and watch cartoons all day but we cant.

kinsey avatar
BeepBeepBoopBoop
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

ew ew ew that's all I have to say. Women are not made to do housework. That is not their only job. Men can do housework too! In this situation in the story, she should be doing housework. But what if it was a stay at home dad? Would you still expect the woman that works all day to do all the housework? All I can do is hope that you're a troll.

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