Tired Of Her Husband’s Laziness, Woman Takes A Vacation To Make Him Realize How Much She Does
Raising a family is a difficult task. Trying to juggle work, chores, looking after the kids and much, much more takes a lot of time and effort. So, it’s important for parents to work together and share the load. But what happens when this isn’t the case?
Recently, u/71910sj101 on Reddit shared her experience of feeling like a single parent despite being married and living with her husband. Although he was taking on the role of a father well before, he started making excuses and shirking his responsibilities in the household. Saying he was “too tired” to help her do anything meant she had to do double duties instead, leaving her feeling twice as exhausted.
Finally reaching her breaking point, she decided a solo vacation was needed to recover and let her husband get on with it for a change. She made her arrangements and took a break without telling him beforehand.
If she wanted a reaction from him, she got it. But after hearing his side of the story, she wondered if this was the right thing to do or if it was necessary to send a message. Read on for the story and decide for yourself.
Image credits: tommaso79 (not the actual photo)
Whether it’s being overworked, unappreciated or probably both, it’s sadly an all too familiar scenario for moms. Many feel the same way and would also act out accordingly in this situation.
Nancy Colier, a psychotherapist and mindfulness teacher, confirms this. She said, “What’s most remarkable is the fact that (from my research) most moms feel unappreciated. Moms from all walks of life describe feeling unacknowledged and unseen for what they do and are for their families.”
She goes on to explain the psychology behind it: “As human beings, we all long to be appreciated, to have our goodness seen, our positive intentions and efforts recognized. We want to be known and valued for what we do that’s helpful. To want and need appreciation is a primal human longing.”
A busy mom shares her story of why she needed a solo vacation
Not to mention, the mom in this story explains just how exhausted she was with doing all the housework whilst also doing her usual day job.
Many others have also had to adjust to new ways of managing their life whilst working at home under COVID-19 lockdowns. For those with children, it meant juggling multiple roles at the same time: from trying to earn a living, to being an impromptu school teacher and also just being a parent.
It can be incredibly hard to focus on important business when you remember that there’s equally important laundry and other household chores that need to be done at the same time. And having to break up an argument between the kids as well.
According to a recent survey completed by Boston Consulting Group, parents now spend an additional 27 hours each week on household chores, childcare, and education than before the pandemic. This can almost be equated to having a second job.
In the same research, they found that women spend on average 15 hours per week more than men on domestic labor. This works out at about over 2 hours extra per day.
People understood how she felt and agreed that it was important to send a message
Although it was a difficult situation, it’s one that a lot of couples may encounter or have already had to contend with. For some advice on this situation, I turned to Nicole Schwarz—a family therapist, parent coach and founder of the Imperfect Families blog. Her upcoming book It Starts With You is available for pre-order and encourages us to explore how our history, thoughts, and assumptions impact our parenting decisions.
Nicole told Bored Panda, “Rather than being silent about feelings, I would encourage moms to use an ‘I statement’, such as, ‘I feel overwhelmed at the end of the day when dinner needs to be prepared and both kids need help with their homework.'”
She continued, “Then, ask for what you need using specific language: ‘I need to focus on making dinner from 5-6 pm.’ After this, work towards a solution together. Criticizing, blaming, and pointing out the other person’s failures or flaws will not lead to a healthy, productive conversation.”
Others felt that although it was a difficult situation, it could have been handled better
To tackle inequalities of responsibilities, it’s always best to discuss how you’re feeling with your partner and sometimes taking a stance. This is exactly what happened here. Another example of this, however, is learning how to say “no”.
Amy Morin, psychotherapist and editor-in-chief of ‘Verywell Mind’, said, “Sometimes, the more you do for people without complaining, the more they expect you to do. And they might forget to appreciate all you do for them.”
“So it may be helpful to say ‘no’ sometimes. This can remind people not to take it for granted that you’ll always be willing and available to pitch in,” she said.
I am sick of people blaming women when their partners dont do s**t at home "for not communicating ". Like another reply said. We dont need anybody to tell us that the house needs to be cleaned, the dinner made, the laundry done and folded and the kids/pets taken care off. Why would a grown man need to be told all of that?
very true. She did say he was doing his part but then stopped all of a sudden. He is sleeping all day and not talking. Sounds like the guy has a mental health issue and isn't disclosing it.
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Not telling him where she was was a bad (even if she just texted him while he was at work and she was on the way to the cabin). Letting your partner worry about your safety is pretty bad. Having said that, dude is totally the asshole.
It doesn't exactly add weight to her communication argument! That said - he heard, but wasn't really listening when she *did* communicate, so maybe leaving a note wouldn't have made a huge difference...? She should still have left one though.
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NTA. So this guy goes to help his friend for a few hours, but he's "too tired" to do his part of house chores? Wow, such priorities. And please spot the difference between "do his part" and "help his wife". When you do something for your wife's project at her job let's say, that is to "help your wife". But when you take part in the chores needed for the house you both live in, that is "doing your share", not "helping your wife". You are not entitled to be served, and she does not owe you her unpaid work. You live together, you SHARE responsibilites. And when she complains about your shifting all the work on her shoulders, it's good idea to actually listen.
Everyone telling her, including him, that she needs to communicate. Communication between partners isn’t wife giving husband a list of chores. He should know wtf needs to be done in his house. Communication is about feelings. He is mixing the two, “you didn’t communicate to me that I should throw the laundry in the washer.” Nope. Because you should see dirty laundry and wash it
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The question is, what else would get his attention? Asking for help, no. Being specific about help, no. Been there, done that, have the mug. I realistically have had to be a rude, obnoxious, blunt ahole, to get people in my house to lift a finger. This is not just one time, one spouse. People who have breasts aren't required to care for everyone else.
I agree. I was working full time and out more hours than him (because my commute was longer) and I was still expected to do everything. I tried asking him, tried doing schedules and let him chose which chores to do. I tried not nagging and letting him do it in this own time (which resulted in the bathroom not been cleaned for 3 months). At the end the only thing that worked was an ultimatum. "I am not your maid so either you do your part or I leave you". He never did his fair share but at least started helping much more. Now I am too ill to work so I do most housechores but that is different since I am at home. Altought I would apreciate more help during the weekends. But at least he still does more than he used to.
Load More Replies... Really tired of people slacking off and then when confronted about it they blame a lack of communication or 'You never said it was THAT bad'. Screw that. Kids can get away with that, not adults. Do I really have to tell you that the dishes need to be done, when there's an obvious pile of dirty dishes covering the entire kitchen? So husband is a poopyface for taking the wife for granted. However, his lack of participation where he was active before tells me he has some stuff going on as well. Both should have communicated better, I think. Or at least more constructively.
I was sorta like this guy. My depression got so bad that I stopped doing house work or even doing anything but thanks to therapy and understanding and support from my wife I am finally doing a bit better and am doing more again.
You stopped doing anything though. Not a half-hearted attempt for half an hour before disappearing to help your mate instead. I was almost leaning towards maybe he's also burned out and doesn't know how to ask for help and maybe both parents need support, right up to that point. Because that is a selfish act, not a self-preservation act. (PS - I'm glad you're feeling better and that you felt able to acknowledge there was something wrong. It's the overlooked first step that stops a lot of men. Good for you /gen)
Load More Replies... With the kid taken cared of, he can just continue being a slob until she gets back to do another deep clean. It reads as her intentionally *not* telling him she AND their child would be gone just to scare him into taking her seriously. So she doesnt get away with being 100% NTA (maybe 70%) because it was irresponsible and kinda callous of her to do that. Plus, her 'fix' doesnt address the actual issue of both parties having to contribute equally and now he has reason to resent her... I doubt her 'lesson' will last.
There's the problem, this is a lesson unlikely to sink in... because he's not going to spend that four days cleaning! He's going to spend it making peanut butter sandwiches and maybe taking out the garbage but never touching a broom or vacuum... and then he's going to conclude that housework is unnecessary and that his wife is all worked up over nothing. Now if she left him to deal with the kid for four days he might get it...
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Not the asshole. Ladies, always remember--if he wanted to, he would. If you even have to ask him to pull his weight, you've already lost. A good man would not need to be asked, nagged, begged, cajoled, or blowjobbed into helping. Single parenthood would be far less stressful than dealing with a manchild on top of ACTUAL children. The feigned helplessness of men is a deliberate gaslighting attempt, so don't fall for it. The talks about coMmUnICaTiNg are also garbage--your needs are clear, your words are clear, and again--if he WANTED to--he would. A man is competent and helpful when he WANTS to be. They know. If he isn't pulling his weight around the home, then cut him loose. You don't need the aggravation. Any woman with a career who wants a child these days is far better going to a sperm bank and raising her child alone without all this nonsense. A child doesn't need a lazy father disrespecting their mother as a role model anyhow.
My first thought was that this guy sounds depressed or has other health issues. I mean who sleeps that much? If my SO was like that I would get worried instead of making demands and then disappearing. But, again, not enough information here. Maybe he's just a douche.
I would like to know what job he does that keeps him out so late.
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People act like all problems with men are due to women doing something wrong. If you ask a guy more than once to do something, he'll call you a nag and his buddies will agree. YOU LIVE THERE DUDE. Oh, and you're not "babysitting" your kid, either. And then men whine about divorce and how women get custody.
That is true. Sexist men claim that women are privileged for having custody. But that is a lie. Most custody agreements are done outside of court; most men choose to not have the main or any custody. If they go to court custody goes in most cases to the main caregiver; which is in most cases the mum. If the father never changed a diaper or took the kid to the doctor he isnt going to get the custody. A friend of my mother worked as a judge jn those cases. She used ti start asking questions to the parents like the teachers name, shoe size, last time they went to the doctor etc. She always said that most father didnt know a thing about their kids.
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She should have left the son in his care. Then he would have truly seen all she puts up with
I thought the same but it wouldn't have been possible if he worked.
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Definitely NTA. Does he think he lives in a hotel or what? You have a family together, he also lives in this house, so he shouldn't merely "help" you like doing you a favour, he should equally contribute to the family and the house, especially considering that you both work. Nothing terrible will happen to him, he's a grown-ass man. How does he think single people manage? Yes, they also work and get tired, and then they go home and have to cook/do dishes/clean their house. Nobody died from it so far.
so not the a-hole! while my ex of 32 yrs did do some cooking when he got home before i did, cleaning was not top of his priority. when i cleaned the house it was a mess again. when he cleaned, he would 'warn' me not to leave things...but, the things that were left around were all his.wasn't unusual for us to have differing off days & ability to take solo weekends away, he always kept a tally of when i would go off for one day but he would take off for several. the killer for me was when, due to illness, i had to retire early. he got jealous of my being home and basically stopped working as well, expecting to live off my pension. he went around at a family reunion announcing that he was retired & they were all impressed. the truth was he was trying to sell things on ebay. after i stopped working he wanted me to become real estate agent so as a broker he would not only get a commission on his part but have access to my income as well. his new squeeze doesn't realize she's being used.
It is proben that married women are less healthy and happy than single women. Probably because most men slack off when it comes to chores.
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After this I would be looking for 4 days off a MONTH or at least every other month. YOU DESERVE IT.
Women are SUPERWOMAN 24/7 and it's invisible . . . dishes, laundry, lists, thinking ahead for bills, appointments, menus. When a guy does the smallest thing, he expects a medal and a parade. What women do is expected and invisible. This lady is incredibly right to take time off. She should have had mom sit with the kid 'til the dad got home, then she disappear, so he could have the full tsunami effect of reality. No matter what they think, DAD NEVER does as much with a kid as mom. Dad's do what they want, when they want, as little as they want; MOM does EVERYTHING all the TIME. Her declaration of uneven hours and labor will now at least be acknowledged and discussed. It will never be level, but it can be more fair.
I call it "man dirt". A very special, regularly occurring dirt or mess that many male eyes just cannot see. Vacuum? Why? Countertops? They're fiiiine! Why clean fingerprints on doors and lights?
My husband and I have a tradition: every year I go away to see my parents and friends ( they live in an other country/continent) for 4-5 weeks. My husband has to live those 4-5 weeks as a bachelor - he can do what ever he wants (except sexual contacts of course). We have been very happily married for over 10 years and still act like newlyweds. But there is one thing- during those weeks that I am away - he has to take care of the house, all of our animals - and every time I come home he tells me how difficult it was and that he forgets how much work it is. People need to be reminded of the thing they take for granted and sometime they need a little break from each other.
That is a nice agreement. We do something similar since I also visit my family alone once a year (he comes in xmas). But I cant afford staying that long so its max 10 days or so. He simoly does the bare minimum like cooking and feeding the dogs. I wish I could stay a month and a half to make him see how hard I work.
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Unfortunatelt, I bet she will end up coming home to a bigger mess of take-out boxes everywhere, unwashed dishes in the sink, piled laundry. She has let this behavior become acceptable far back in their marriage and now it is accepted as "normal."
It's nothing a good divorce lawyer can't fix. Women are not required to stay in marriages that make them miserable anymore.
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She shouldn't have left without telling him. That's lame. She is definitely not the asshole generally speaking, but this wasn't fair.
What do he do for a job again? I’m just wondering why he kept coming home so late.
I haven't read the thread but could be something like a nurse where they work 12 hour shifts.
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I never married but I know if I need to get away from someone, then I get away.
Often women are saying something- complaining about the work or saying they are overwhelmed. Or saying things like I need help is enough- men want all someone to basically tell them what to do & do a half ass job
I feel her pain. Women are expected to work FT & cook, clean, dishes laundry & manage the house, set up appointments. Men get to work & take out the garbage. Maybe do the lawn 2x a month
It is the biggest scam that our society pulled on women. We gained the right (and responsibility) or working and needing to pay bills but men never acepted to do their fair share of the chores. So we went from housewifes to stressed full time workers and housewifes.
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This is probably why I will never marry. I don't want to be your unpaid maid, I'm your partner. It means I'll never marry? Fine. Women have been complaining about this issue for centuries. It happens in same sex couples too and this seems to be the only way to deal with it.
Tip. Never marry (or completely move) until you spent some time living with him. My partner promised me that we would be equals and divide the chores like roomates but once I moved in he never lifted a finger
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Bottom line - he doesn’t need a vacation. He needs a new life. She’s better off … not with him for now.
We definitely need more informations, and that can't be done. Superficially speaking, without key informations, he is the one who has changed something in his behavior and stopped doing his part in living together. But she is well aware that she did not do the right thing because otherwise she would not have asked complete strangers such a very sensitive question. She probably knew everyone would take her side, and maybe she needed it subconsciously for a mass of people to convince her that she did the right thing, but she also subconsciously knows that's not exactly true. I don't like that after so many years of living together, they haven't been able to verbalize their problems. So that we as strangers who haven't even seen them can answer who's AH, and who is not?!
I’d say TA for taking off without as little as a text or note on a table. I may have seen one too many Forensic Files or listened to one too many true crime podcasts but if my partner suddenly disappeared without a trace, I’d be freaking out, especially if the kid was gone too and I had no idea where either of them are. NTA for everything else.
This really seems like more of a third shift problem. Like, WHEN is he supposed to be doing all of this cleaning and stuff? At 3am while she and the kid sleep? Great time to clatter around and vacuum. OF COURSE he is sleeping all day--he's third shift. That's his nighttime. That's when he is supposed to sleep. That's not him being lazy. It's also extremely difficult (and unhealthy, and unsustainable) for him to switch to a weekend day time schedule and then swap back for the work week. I'm guessing him settling into a permanent 3rd shift schedule out of necessity lead to the natural "drop off" in him helping, since keeping his sleep schedule on weekends, rather than his previous (again, unsustainable) habit of staying up to take over all weekend childcare, would reduce his availability. Her just disappearing *with the kid* is super childish, and quite alarming. I'm almost wondering if it counts as kidnapping. I think her plan will backfire and all she accomplished is looking unstable
shes only a tiny bit of an AH for not informing him. other than that, NTAAAAAAA he has eyes and women should NOT have micromanage to get their partners to help out. he completely sucks.
It's like everyone missed the line where she says he's on third shift. So yeah, he's sleeping during the day, and won't have as many opportunities to take care of the kid. I remember this post, and most of the people said she was lucky he didn't call the cops on her for disappearing with the kid.
He would certainly have taken notice of a note telling him she was going away for four days, because that would impact on his comfort.
I am completely on her side, but it was kinda an AH move to just leave, if only for four days with no note. She could have at least let him know, I know I would be in a panic if my spouse and child were just gone when I got home. His excuses weren't good but come on
I was on her side until she didn’t tell him that she was LEAVING, and dropping their child off with grandma?! 😳 It could have been a five minute convo before it happened, but to just disappear? Not cool.
I'm going with, they both are. Sounds like he does shift work. There've been studies (and I've watched it happen to people at work first hand) Shift work will make you constantly tired. It will mess with you in a big, big way. It doesn't hit everyone the same, but it will hit you. It is also cause for high divorce rates. Sure he should've helped more, but more importantly he needs a job that isn't that shift. He probably doesn't even realize how/what is affecting him. I agree men should be in for 50 percent of household duties, but they may have a root cause they can take care of that would solve this.
I feel there is important context missing. What kind of job does he work? I understand that he gets of at 1 a.m. but what time does he start? Example if he wakes up to go to work at 10 a.m. and does manual labor out in the heat all day maybe the man is tired just context that is left out. Also it doesnt make sense that he gets home at 1:00 a.m. yet say he falls asleep on the couch at 7 and doesnt make dinner. Is he at work or at home? You should never feel bad about needing or taking a break to destress but you dont just vanish into thin air. You inform your partner that you are going at the very least. Id be interested to hear his side of the story as I feel she has purposly omitted some important information. She absolutly deserves a break everyone does, if they are working the hours it sounds like they are perhapse they can afford a nanny/house keeper. But what it sounds like to me is your both the AH.
My guess was that he falls asleep at 7am. That would give him time to sleep 8h, work maybe 4pm-midnight, then get home around 1am. Between 1-7am is his home time, but with a toddler sleeping you can't always do loud tasks like vacuuming...
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Here's hoping. Her life will get so much better without this dead weight causing her resentment.
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If she wanted a few days to herself, that's totally understandable, but taking off and giving him no notice of her or their kid's whereabouts definitely makes her the a** in this specific situation.
She says that she didn't have time during workdays to clean, but that her husband previously did clean and handle of all the childcare (I think; her sentence structure was confusing there). Does that mean that he used to handle all the cleaning and childcare during the days she worked, and she didn't contribute? If so, he was probably feeling just as burnt out as she is now. Plus, he works the night shift and has to commute, both of which are extra draining compared to working during the day and working from home. The biggest red flag is that he USED TO do a lot at home, so he's not inherently lazy. Something else is going on here.
Not telling him, even with a text, is a passive aggressive asshole move, so ESH. Prior to disappearing without explanation, he's a lazy slob, who should be taking equal responsibility, for childcare, cooking, cleaning, maintenance and errands. It shouldn't be her job to coordinate everything either. They need a chore / responsibilities chart, that they set up together - with a marriage counsellor helping if needed.
Wait no, she is completely TA. You don't just plan time off and leave without telling your partner anything. She didn't even tell him she was dropping their son off someplace for 4 days. Should the husband help around the house? Yeah, 100%, but taking off and not saying anything, especially when you removed a child from the home is completely out of line and just obliterated any sort of point you were trying to make. And yes, it does sound like communication is a problem. Saying "I need a break" is saying absolutely nothing. I need a break, everyone needs a break, it is not saying "Hey, this is overwhelming and we need to talk about your lack of contribution to the home." I would disregard anything she had to say too. I am female and I absolutely hate that childcare and home maintenance are automatically thrown on the woman, but her reaction is completely inappropriate. You make it clear that hey, I am scheduling some time off, when I get back, we need to work on distribution of work
Stay at home dad here, I don’t see her actions as the solution at all. What she did was rather childish, frankly. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my wife, who is working full time, how challenging it is to get anything done with a baby at home. But that’s the point, we’ve had plenty of conversations and now we have balance. If things get out of balance, we talk. I would never take our baby to anyone’s house and leave them for 4 days and surprise my wife with that, nor would she do that to me. It speaks to the level of communication in their relationship that such a thing is even reasonable in her mind to do. I’m not saying the dude isn’t at fault for what he has and hasn’t done. He could be the biggest piece of s**t there is. But you don’t double down on bad decisions in the hopes that someone else making them will suddenly stop. Bored Panda, you suck at presenting reality in relationships. It’s all so fantastically narrow, all men are bad, all women aren’t autonomous.
She stated that she talked to him several times about it. If the other doesnt want to listen it doesnt matter how much you want to talk
Load More Replies... Show us an article with a man who works full time and is also expected to do all housechores and child rearing.
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Why do you say that he is "the better" half? And not the other half? :)
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Not really. Sounds like he just figured out how to turn his wife into his mommy. And she doesn't have the luxury to be "depressed".
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Work full time and do every house chore (so 24/7 work) and then see how it feels. Doing everything yourself literally kills people.
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I am sick of people blaming women when their partners dont do s**t at home "for not communicating ". Like another reply said. We dont need anybody to tell us that the house needs to be cleaned, the dinner made, the laundry done and folded and the kids/pets taken care off. Why would a grown man need to be told all of that?
very true. She did say he was doing his part but then stopped all of a sudden. He is sleeping all day and not talking. Sounds like the guy has a mental health issue and isn't disclosing it.
Load More Replies... Not telling him where she was was a bad (even if she just texted him while he was at work and she was on the way to the cabin). Letting your partner worry about your safety is pretty bad. Having said that, dude is totally the asshole.
It doesn't exactly add weight to her communication argument! That said - he heard, but wasn't really listening when she *did* communicate, so maybe leaving a note wouldn't have made a huge difference...? She should still have left one though.
Load More Replies... NTA. So this guy goes to help his friend for a few hours, but he's "too tired" to do his part of house chores? Wow, such priorities. And please spot the difference between "do his part" and "help his wife". When you do something for your wife's project at her job let's say, that is to "help your wife". But when you take part in the chores needed for the house you both live in, that is "doing your share", not "helping your wife". You are not entitled to be served, and she does not owe you her unpaid work. You live together, you SHARE responsibilites. And when she complains about your shifting all the work on her shoulders, it's good idea to actually listen.
Everyone telling her, including him, that she needs to communicate. Communication between partners isn’t wife giving husband a list of chores. He should know wtf needs to be done in his house. Communication is about feelings. He is mixing the two, “you didn’t communicate to me that I should throw the laundry in the washer.” Nope. Because you should see dirty laundry and wash it
Load More Replies... The question is, what else would get his attention? Asking for help, no. Being specific about help, no. Been there, done that, have the mug. I realistically have had to be a rude, obnoxious, blunt ahole, to get people in my house to lift a finger. This is not just one time, one spouse. People who have breasts aren't required to care for everyone else.
I agree. I was working full time and out more hours than him (because my commute was longer) and I was still expected to do everything. I tried asking him, tried doing schedules and let him chose which chores to do. I tried not nagging and letting him do it in this own time (which resulted in the bathroom not been cleaned for 3 months). At the end the only thing that worked was an ultimatum. "I am not your maid so either you do your part or I leave you". He never did his fair share but at least started helping much more. Now I am too ill to work so I do most housechores but that is different since I am at home. Altought I would apreciate more help during the weekends. But at least he still does more than he used to.
Load More Replies... Really tired of people slacking off and then when confronted about it they blame a lack of communication or 'You never said it was THAT bad'. Screw that. Kids can get away with that, not adults. Do I really have to tell you that the dishes need to be done, when there's an obvious pile of dirty dishes covering the entire kitchen? So husband is a poopyface for taking the wife for granted. However, his lack of participation where he was active before tells me he has some stuff going on as well. Both should have communicated better, I think. Or at least more constructively.
I was sorta like this guy. My depression got so bad that I stopped doing house work or even doing anything but thanks to therapy and understanding and support from my wife I am finally doing a bit better and am doing more again.
You stopped doing anything though. Not a half-hearted attempt for half an hour before disappearing to help your mate instead. I was almost leaning towards maybe he's also burned out and doesn't know how to ask for help and maybe both parents need support, right up to that point. Because that is a selfish act, not a self-preservation act. (PS - I'm glad you're feeling better and that you felt able to acknowledge there was something wrong. It's the overlooked first step that stops a lot of men. Good for you /gen)
Load More Replies... With the kid taken cared of, he can just continue being a slob until she gets back to do another deep clean. It reads as her intentionally *not* telling him she AND their child would be gone just to scare him into taking her seriously. So she doesnt get away with being 100% NTA (maybe 70%) because it was irresponsible and kinda callous of her to do that. Plus, her 'fix' doesnt address the actual issue of both parties having to contribute equally and now he has reason to resent her... I doubt her 'lesson' will last.
There's the problem, this is a lesson unlikely to sink in... because he's not going to spend that four days cleaning! He's going to spend it making peanut butter sandwiches and maybe taking out the garbage but never touching a broom or vacuum... and then he's going to conclude that housework is unnecessary and that his wife is all worked up over nothing. Now if she left him to deal with the kid for four days he might get it...
Load More Replies... Not the asshole. Ladies, always remember--if he wanted to, he would. If you even have to ask him to pull his weight, you've already lost. A good man would not need to be asked, nagged, begged, cajoled, or blowjobbed into helping. Single parenthood would be far less stressful than dealing with a manchild on top of ACTUAL children. The feigned helplessness of men is a deliberate gaslighting attempt, so don't fall for it. The talks about coMmUnICaTiNg are also garbage--your needs are clear, your words are clear, and again--if he WANTED to--he would. A man is competent and helpful when he WANTS to be. They know. If he isn't pulling his weight around the home, then cut him loose. You don't need the aggravation. Any woman with a career who wants a child these days is far better going to a sperm bank and raising her child alone without all this nonsense. A child doesn't need a lazy father disrespecting their mother as a role model anyhow.
My first thought was that this guy sounds depressed or has other health issues. I mean who sleeps that much? If my SO was like that I would get worried instead of making demands and then disappearing. But, again, not enough information here. Maybe he's just a douche.
I would like to know what job he does that keeps him out so late.
Load More Replies... People act like all problems with men are due to women doing something wrong. If you ask a guy more than once to do something, he'll call you a nag and his buddies will agree. YOU LIVE THERE DUDE. Oh, and you're not "babysitting" your kid, either. And then men whine about divorce and how women get custody.
That is true. Sexist men claim that women are privileged for having custody. But that is a lie. Most custody agreements are done outside of court; most men choose to not have the main or any custody. If they go to court custody goes in most cases to the main caregiver; which is in most cases the mum. If the father never changed a diaper or took the kid to the doctor he isnt going to get the custody. A friend of my mother worked as a judge jn those cases. She used ti start asking questions to the parents like the teachers name, shoe size, last time they went to the doctor etc. She always said that most father didnt know a thing about their kids.
Load More Replies... She should have left the son in his care. Then he would have truly seen all she puts up with
I thought the same but it wouldn't have been possible if he worked.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. Does he think he lives in a hotel or what? You have a family together, he also lives in this house, so he shouldn't merely "help" you like doing you a favour, he should equally contribute to the family and the house, especially considering that you both work. Nothing terrible will happen to him, he's a grown-ass man. How does he think single people manage? Yes, they also work and get tired, and then they go home and have to cook/do dishes/clean their house. Nobody died from it so far.
so not the a-hole! while my ex of 32 yrs did do some cooking when he got home before i did, cleaning was not top of his priority. when i cleaned the house it was a mess again. when he cleaned, he would 'warn' me not to leave things...but, the things that were left around were all his.wasn't unusual for us to have differing off days & ability to take solo weekends away, he always kept a tally of when i would go off for one day but he would take off for several. the killer for me was when, due to illness, i had to retire early. he got jealous of my being home and basically stopped working as well, expecting to live off my pension. he went around at a family reunion announcing that he was retired & they were all impressed. the truth was he was trying to sell things on ebay. after i stopped working he wanted me to become real estate agent so as a broker he would not only get a commission on his part but have access to my income as well. his new squeeze doesn't realize she's being used.
It is proben that married women are less healthy and happy than single women. Probably because most men slack off when it comes to chores.
Load More Replies... After this I would be looking for 4 days off a MONTH or at least every other month. YOU DESERVE IT.
Women are SUPERWOMAN 24/7 and it's invisible . . . dishes, laundry, lists, thinking ahead for bills, appointments, menus. When a guy does the smallest thing, he expects a medal and a parade. What women do is expected and invisible. This lady is incredibly right to take time off. She should have had mom sit with the kid 'til the dad got home, then she disappear, so he could have the full tsunami effect of reality. No matter what they think, DAD NEVER does as much with a kid as mom. Dad's do what they want, when they want, as little as they want; MOM does EVERYTHING all the TIME. Her declaration of uneven hours and labor will now at least be acknowledged and discussed. It will never be level, but it can be more fair.
I call it "man dirt". A very special, regularly occurring dirt or mess that many male eyes just cannot see. Vacuum? Why? Countertops? They're fiiiine! Why clean fingerprints on doors and lights?
My husband and I have a tradition: every year I go away to see my parents and friends ( they live in an other country/continent) for 4-5 weeks. My husband has to live those 4-5 weeks as a bachelor - he can do what ever he wants (except sexual contacts of course). We have been very happily married for over 10 years and still act like newlyweds. But there is one thing- during those weeks that I am away - he has to take care of the house, all of our animals - and every time I come home he tells me how difficult it was and that he forgets how much work it is. People need to be reminded of the thing they take for granted and sometime they need a little break from each other.
That is a nice agreement. We do something similar since I also visit my family alone once a year (he comes in xmas). But I cant afford staying that long so its max 10 days or so. He simoly does the bare minimum like cooking and feeding the dogs. I wish I could stay a month and a half to make him see how hard I work.
Load More Replies... Unfortunatelt, I bet she will end up coming home to a bigger mess of take-out boxes everywhere, unwashed dishes in the sink, piled laundry. She has let this behavior become acceptable far back in their marriage and now it is accepted as "normal."
It's nothing a good divorce lawyer can't fix. Women are not required to stay in marriages that make them miserable anymore.
Load More Replies... She shouldn't have left without telling him. That's lame. She is definitely not the asshole generally speaking, but this wasn't fair.
What do he do for a job again? I’m just wondering why he kept coming home so late.
I haven't read the thread but could be something like a nurse where they work 12 hour shifts.
Load More Replies... I never married but I know if I need to get away from someone, then I get away.
Often women are saying something- complaining about the work or saying they are overwhelmed. Or saying things like I need help is enough- men want all someone to basically tell them what to do & do a half ass job
I feel her pain. Women are expected to work FT & cook, clean, dishes laundry & manage the house, set up appointments. Men get to work & take out the garbage. Maybe do the lawn 2x a month
It is the biggest scam that our society pulled on women. We gained the right (and responsibility) or working and needing to pay bills but men never acepted to do their fair share of the chores. So we went from housewifes to stressed full time workers and housewifes.
Load More Replies... This is probably why I will never marry. I don't want to be your unpaid maid, I'm your partner. It means I'll never marry? Fine. Women have been complaining about this issue for centuries. It happens in same sex couples too and this seems to be the only way to deal with it.
Tip. Never marry (or completely move) until you spent some time living with him. My partner promised me that we would be equals and divide the chores like roomates but once I moved in he never lifted a finger
Load More Replies... Bottom line - he doesn’t need a vacation. He needs a new life. She’s better off … not with him for now.
We definitely need more informations, and that can't be done. Superficially speaking, without key informations, he is the one who has changed something in his behavior and stopped doing his part in living together. But she is well aware that she did not do the right thing because otherwise she would not have asked complete strangers such a very sensitive question. She probably knew everyone would take her side, and maybe she needed it subconsciously for a mass of people to convince her that she did the right thing, but she also subconsciously knows that's not exactly true. I don't like that after so many years of living together, they haven't been able to verbalize their problems. So that we as strangers who haven't even seen them can answer who's AH, and who is not?!
I’d say TA for taking off without as little as a text or note on a table. I may have seen one too many Forensic Files or listened to one too many true crime podcasts but if my partner suddenly disappeared without a trace, I’d be freaking out, especially if the kid was gone too and I had no idea where either of them are. NTA for everything else.
This really seems like more of a third shift problem. Like, WHEN is he supposed to be doing all of this cleaning and stuff? At 3am while she and the kid sleep? Great time to clatter around and vacuum. OF COURSE he is sleeping all day--he's third shift. That's his nighttime. That's when he is supposed to sleep. That's not him being lazy. It's also extremely difficult (and unhealthy, and unsustainable) for him to switch to a weekend day time schedule and then swap back for the work week. I'm guessing him settling into a permanent 3rd shift schedule out of necessity lead to the natural "drop off" in him helping, since keeping his sleep schedule on weekends, rather than his previous (again, unsustainable) habit of staying up to take over all weekend childcare, would reduce his availability. Her just disappearing *with the kid* is super childish, and quite alarming. I'm almost wondering if it counts as kidnapping. I think her plan will backfire and all she accomplished is looking unstable
shes only a tiny bit of an AH for not informing him. other than that, NTAAAAAAA he has eyes and women should NOT have micromanage to get their partners to help out. he completely sucks.
It's like everyone missed the line where she says he's on third shift. So yeah, he's sleeping during the day, and won't have as many opportunities to take care of the kid. I remember this post, and most of the people said she was lucky he didn't call the cops on her for disappearing with the kid.
He would certainly have taken notice of a note telling him she was going away for four days, because that would impact on his comfort.
I am completely on her side, but it was kinda an AH move to just leave, if only for four days with no note. She could have at least let him know, I know I would be in a panic if my spouse and child were just gone when I got home. His excuses weren't good but come on
I was on her side until she didn’t tell him that she was LEAVING, and dropping their child off with grandma?! 😳 It could have been a five minute convo before it happened, but to just disappear? Not cool.
I'm going with, they both are. Sounds like he does shift work. There've been studies (and I've watched it happen to people at work first hand) Shift work will make you constantly tired. It will mess with you in a big, big way. It doesn't hit everyone the same, but it will hit you. It is also cause for high divorce rates. Sure he should've helped more, but more importantly he needs a job that isn't that shift. He probably doesn't even realize how/what is affecting him. I agree men should be in for 50 percent of household duties, but they may have a root cause they can take care of that would solve this.
I feel there is important context missing. What kind of job does he work? I understand that he gets of at 1 a.m. but what time does he start? Example if he wakes up to go to work at 10 a.m. and does manual labor out in the heat all day maybe the man is tired just context that is left out. Also it doesnt make sense that he gets home at 1:00 a.m. yet say he falls asleep on the couch at 7 and doesnt make dinner. Is he at work or at home? You should never feel bad about needing or taking a break to destress but you dont just vanish into thin air. You inform your partner that you are going at the very least. Id be interested to hear his side of the story as I feel she has purposly omitted some important information. She absolutly deserves a break everyone does, if they are working the hours it sounds like they are perhapse they can afford a nanny/house keeper. But what it sounds like to me is your both the AH.
My guess was that he falls asleep at 7am. That would give him time to sleep 8h, work maybe 4pm-midnight, then get home around 1am. Between 1-7am is his home time, but with a toddler sleeping you can't always do loud tasks like vacuuming...
Load More Replies... Here's hoping. Her life will get so much better without this dead weight causing her resentment.
Load More Replies... If she wanted a few days to herself, that's totally understandable, but taking off and giving him no notice of her or their kid's whereabouts definitely makes her the a** in this specific situation.
She says that she didn't have time during workdays to clean, but that her husband previously did clean and handle of all the childcare (I think; her sentence structure was confusing there). Does that mean that he used to handle all the cleaning and childcare during the days she worked, and she didn't contribute? If so, he was probably feeling just as burnt out as she is now. Plus, he works the night shift and has to commute, both of which are extra draining compared to working during the day and working from home. The biggest red flag is that he USED TO do a lot at home, so he's not inherently lazy. Something else is going on here.
Not telling him, even with a text, is a passive aggressive asshole move, so ESH. Prior to disappearing without explanation, he's a lazy slob, who should be taking equal responsibility, for childcare, cooking, cleaning, maintenance and errands. It shouldn't be her job to coordinate everything either. They need a chore / responsibilities chart, that they set up together - with a marriage counsellor helping if needed.
Wait no, she is completely TA. You don't just plan time off and leave without telling your partner anything. She didn't even tell him she was dropping their son off someplace for 4 days. Should the husband help around the house? Yeah, 100%, but taking off and not saying anything, especially when you removed a child from the home is completely out of line and just obliterated any sort of point you were trying to make. And yes, it does sound like communication is a problem. Saying "I need a break" is saying absolutely nothing. I need a break, everyone needs a break, it is not saying "Hey, this is overwhelming and we need to talk about your lack of contribution to the home." I would disregard anything she had to say too. I am female and I absolutely hate that childcare and home maintenance are automatically thrown on the woman, but her reaction is completely inappropriate. You make it clear that hey, I am scheduling some time off, when I get back, we need to work on distribution of work
Stay at home dad here, I don’t see her actions as the solution at all. What she did was rather childish, frankly. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my wife, who is working full time, how challenging it is to get anything done with a baby at home. But that’s the point, we’ve had plenty of conversations and now we have balance. If things get out of balance, we talk. I would never take our baby to anyone’s house and leave them for 4 days and surprise my wife with that, nor would she do that to me. It speaks to the level of communication in their relationship that such a thing is even reasonable in her mind to do. I’m not saying the dude isn’t at fault for what he has and hasn’t done. He could be the biggest piece of s**t there is. But you don’t double down on bad decisions in the hopes that someone else making them will suddenly stop. Bored Panda, you suck at presenting reality in relationships. It’s all so fantastically narrow, all men are bad, all women aren’t autonomous.
She stated that she talked to him several times about it. If the other doesnt want to listen it doesnt matter how much you want to talk
Load More Replies... Show us an article with a man who works full time and is also expected to do all housechores and child rearing.
Load More Replies... Why do you say that he is "the better" half? And not the other half? :)
Load More Replies... Not really. Sounds like he just figured out how to turn his wife into his mommy. And she doesn't have the luxury to be "depressed".
Load More Replies... Work full time and do every house chore (so 24/7 work) and then see how it feels. Doing everything yourself literally kills people.
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