Guy Oversleeps For Work, Loses It After Seeing That His Wife Didn’t Lift A Finger To Help Him With Lunch
Healthy personal boundaries are essential for thriving relationships. These clear-cut lines you set with the people close to you create mutual respect, strengthen your emotional health, and, let’s be honest, make life a heck of a lot easier. But as simple as all of this sounds on paper, navigating expectations from both partners can be difficult. Especially in some cases when loved ones test your limits by expecting you to break one of your rules.
A few months ago, a person who goes by Helpwithlunch on Reddit reached out to the AITA community after getting into a serious fight with his wife… over lunch. As the man detailed in the story, it all started with him waking up late for work. “It was completely my fault,” he immediately owned up to his mistake and asked his wife to pack him lunch as a favor so he could leave on time.
But when she responded with a sharp “no,” this left the user surprised and angry, encouraging him to ask the internet for perspective. Let’s see how this story unfolded, as well as how the community reacted, and then be sure to share your thoughts in the comments.
This man asked the internet for advice after getting into a fight with his wife, who refused to pack him lunch as a favor when he was running late for work
Image credits: Timur Weber (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
He later updated the post with a few details to clarify the story
Image credits: Helpwithlunch
Even though every relationship manual (wait, is there such a thing?) tells us that setting healthy boundaries and clearly defining them is crucial between two partners, the responses to this story have been mixed. Some readers expressed that the author is definitely in the wrong here, some blamed both partners for finding themselves in this situation, and others sided with the man, saying that spouses should help in stressful moments.
According to social worker Karen Salerno, MSSA, LISW-S, healthy personal boundaries is the framework we set for ourselves on how we want to be treated by others and how we treat other people. Taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions while not feeling responsible for the actions and emotions of others promotes physical and emotional well-being, “and it respects your needs and the other person’s needs in a relationship.”
The first step in setting these lines is knowing what you need to feel healthy, have good self-esteem, and retain your identity. “It’s important to set up healthy boundaries early on so that people know how to best communicate and interact with you,” Salerno told Cleveland Clinic. “You also want to make sure you follow through on your boundaries. If you don’t act on them, it may make it harder for other people to trust your boundary setting.”
Salerno pointed out that when it comes to romantic relationships, these boundaries help strengthen your bond by ensuring that your space and autonomy, as well as your partner’s, are respected.
Of course, as it happens in any long-term coupledom, things may change over time. You may decide that you no longer want to maintain these limits, or maybe your attitude toward them changes. In these cases, clear and honest communication is crucial before any minor annoyances begin to strain your relationship.
“As much as you know another person, you never 100% know what their thoughts are or what their comfort level is,” Salerno added. “Their boundaries and comfort level may shift based on what’s going on in their life, so it’s important to check in with your partner every now and then to confirm where they stand on certain topics and issues and learn if anything has changed for either of you.”
Bored Panda would love to hear your thoughts on this situation down below. Do you think it would have been kind of the wife to help her husband out? Or was he being unreasonable to ask his spouse to cross a boundary she firmly believes in? Feel free to share your opinions, as well as personal experiences, in the comments below!
Readers responded with mixed reactions, with some saying that either both partners or the husband was at fault in this situation
And others have sided with the author, here’s what they had to say
What nonsense. Imagine being so petty that you would literally rather sit there and watch your partner struggle rather than help them out by making a frigging lunch because “tHaTs My bOuNdAry”. I’ve never heard of anything so utterly ridiculous. Marriage is a partnership - you help your partner out even if it is something you don’t want to/have to do.
I couldn't believe that people honestly thought he was TA. I'm astounded at how many people have such a petty mindset. When you're in a relationship, boundaries for something so petty SHOULD BE FLEXIBLE! For example: my hubby spent his whole childhood washing everyone's dishes so they had clean plates etc to eat off of. No one else in his home EVER did this. Knowing that, I have been the one to maintain the kitchen. I don't ask for help, he doesn't complain if it gets "behind". However, if I am sick, have had surgery, a bad day, etc- he does the dishes for me (he has other chores around the house that I *won't* do - change oil in card, take out trashes...). Part of being in a partnership is realizing your SO needs you and being there for them. TBH: I would have expected her to make the lunch without even being asked. Loving someone means putting them first when applicable- especially when it's something so small in the grand scheme of life.
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A lot of petty people on here. If my wife was in the same situation, even if we were fighting at the time, I would help her out. Because we are on the same team!! Oh...he said she does more housework...he said he does more yardwork. PETTY @SSH@LES IN HERE!!
There are a LOT of folks commenting who should NOT be married. Petty doesn't even begin to cover it. I'd say most of the commenters are quite immature also. I also notice quite a few of the women who posted read a lot more into what the OP posted than what was actually stated. I think folks need to re-evaluate their own relationships, remove the chips from their shoulders and realize, s**t happens (he overslept) and sometimes we do things we don't like (make a friggin lunch) cause we love our partners. That's how a healthy relationship works.
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I get what people are saying about boundaries. I also can't understand a marriage where one partner doesn't help the other in moments of stress. ESH.
Boundaries, the two seen each other naked lol. If my wife ever needed help, I would and she would help me too.
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NTA. I get it as a regular thing but if my husband was in a similar situation I’d have packed him a lunch cause I know he would of done the same if I was running late. Your wife seems like the AH in this situation to me cause shes using a childhood experience as an excuse to not help you out. I don’t think it’s that serious that she has to be so strict about it but that’s just me. 🤷🏼♀️
Yep. Does she make her own lunches? Or does she have delivered every day? If she makes her own the mental illness here must be quite deep to be able to feed herself but can't feed another! Poor guy will be making the kids lunches the rest of his life! Now would be a wise time for him to claim a diaper phobia / mental disorder....
Load More Replies... People who are trying to pathologize him because he watched TV late and said "only part time" are being ridiculous. Yes, she has a known boundary and waking up late was his fault, but it's not like she was fast asleep because she worked late and he ruined her day. It sounds like she was just sitting next to the kitchen watching him stress out. He definitely needs to get over it because it's not that big of a deal, but I love how he detailed that he also does half the housework because he knew that was coming and a lot of the responses are still like "you're obviously a terrible husband who doesn't respect his wife". Marriage is a partnership, it is totally normal to expect whichever spouse works half as much as the other one to help out more. That's not entitlement, that's just expecting an equitable relationship.
These things never appear in a vaccuum and I am pretty sure it's not just about her dad. He admits to binge watching for more than one evening. That doesn't equal him spending time on the house or in her company for extended periods of Time, I could be wrong but I thinking resentment on her part as to how he spends his time and how that makes her feel is a big elephant in the room he is ignoring.
Ok, assuming this is the cae - why be passive aggressive? TALK to him about it.
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I'm going against the majority here - but I think she should have helped. this situation appears to be a one off, it could have been her being late for something and asking him for help - She could have done it & said just this once!! If my partner just sat watching whilst I was struggling to do something, I would not be at all happy :(
The ones that have the public split down the middle really make you think. My initial reaction was NTA. Do I think she could have helped him this one simple moment in a time he needed her during stress? Certainly. I don’t think it’s insane for him to ask her for help after he made a mistake. And I do not think it’s fair to read too far into their relationship over this post about lunch making. However the YTA did make me think a bit. If she has clearly stated this is a thing for her I think it needs to be respected and anticipated. One thing I’ve learned about marriage is that it’s about COMPROMISE. Did it kill him to simply get a different lunch that day because he had woken up late? Would it have killed her to make lunch for him this one time to help him? I lean more towards NTA, but I do think it’s fair to have warned him “I am not doing this again, I do not make lunches for you. Next time you will be buying your lunch”. But for that one time if I saw my partner struggling…
Yeah, but if this something that she really has trauma over (it doesn't read like that but i guess it's possible) she needs to see a therapist. What would she do if they had kids and he was out of town or something? It is a weird hill to die on...
Load More Replies... I have a weird hang-up about bathroom stuff, probably because of how closed off my family was growing up re body habits. But i still reached in to hand my bf some napkins (with eyes tightly closed!)when he discovered mid-poo that we had ran out of toilet paper. He knew this was my boundary but i got over myself since this was an actual need and said my eyes will be closed so tell me if i need to reach in more etc lol. That's what his wife should have done as well. It didn't create a precedent of having to see him on toilet, nor would this man's wife be expected to make lunch every day for him. The funny thing is i was in an abusive relationship where i actually made lunch and dinner for my kids' ungrateful dad every day and still wouldn't be bothered by my current s.o. asking for help, as he would be ecstatic for the help if he needed it! Because that's what you do in a HEALTHY relationship. Communicate and help with needs
So the other side of it is... Wife works part time, and feels that her husband considers her time less valuable as a result. She has a firm boundry that she will not make him a packed lunch in the morning, as it puts her in the 'mom/servant' position, in a way she finds personally demeaning. It makes her feel like she's supposed to be serving him, or that it's her responsibility to organise him and make sure he's ready for work. She's tried explaining this boundry, but he doesn't 'get' it. Hsband is showing escalating irresponsibility, and she feels like he's trying to make her 'Mommy' him and take on a caretaker role. He binge watches, stays up all night, oversleeps, then this morning he's rushing, and yells from the other room to make his lunch. She sees this as a pattern of behavior that's violating her expressed boundries, and refuses to enable him. He buys lunch from vending machines, but he's still sulking because she wasn't 'supportive' during his self-inflicted 'emergency'.
Do you write fiction too?....... Jesus that was your takeaway?...... Pattern of behavior? It was isolated. refuses to enable him?..... He asked her to make lunch not borrow money for heroin Escalating irresponsibility?...... He overslept -a rare occurrence apparently.
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I'm astonished there weren't more NTA's or at least NAH's. She doesn't want to pack his lunch daily because it makes her feel like a servant; he respects that and packs his own lunch. ONCE, he's running late, in a bind, asks for a favor. If I were in the wife's position, I 100% would have packed that lunch, and done anything else I could to help him get out the door. I would ask the same of him if I were running late. Marriage is a partnership, and if one of you needs help, and the other doesn't even lift a finger, that's a big red flag. Yes, she had a boundary , but enforcing it in this situation was too rigid. My partner and I both ease our boundaries occasionally if it's a fringe case and our partner will really benefit from it. I suspect OP is not so much upset because he didn't have a nice lunch as that his life partner sat there scrolling on her phone instead of supporting him in his time of need. This isn't a relationship ender, but I'd love to see these two get counseling to learn to connect better.
Dear OP: putting an emphasis on your wife "only" working part time (as if her job is worth less than yours) and downplaying her obvious boundary to a "hangup" clearly shows who the problem in this situation is, and it's not your wife. You don't take her seriously at all and seem to expect her to somehow "make up" for her shortcomings by fixing your mistakes. Sincerely, screw you.
You misread the way " only" was used in context. He is stating she isn't stressed about being late herself or he probably wouldn't have asked her. Stop being so petty and demanding when someone asks for something. If you don't care enough for your partner to help when he's in a bind why are you even married?
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I’m all for boundaries in a relationship. But to die on that hill, so to speak, is not the sign of a healthy relationship. He didn’t ask her to violate any kind of moral principles. Sorry, he just didn’t. There are things my husband knows I won’t do, but making a lunch is… well, it’s something she should probably seek counseling for because as a task in a marriage it really shouldn’t trigger that much of a traumatic response. Was her mother abused if/when she didn’t make lunch for her husband? There really has to be more there. And they could benefit from marriage counseling because this is not a healthy dynamic.
Wife says her dad's a "decent guy", just entitled when it came to having his lunch made. There's that.
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The wife has a childlike selfish quality that reveals her great level of immaturity. No skin off her nose to pitch in and be a team player and good wife. Her knee jerk refusal is a bit unsettling.
Correct having kids with her would not be wise. You are likely to find more hidden phobias coming out of the wood works...
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For everyone saying it was his fault: Please! Like you have never done something you shouldn't have? It was one time. She needs to get over herself or get a divorce. I absolutely hate when someone who supposedly cares about you just stands there and watches you struggle. 😡
I wish I could see all those comments had the genders in the story been reversed.
Honestly, if one said "No", it usually means "No." Just my take.
Load More Replies... I wish I could read all those comments had the genders in the story been reversed. My guess is that we would see a lot of 180s.
I promise you I was thinking the same thing! Not only would it be a 180, they would be telling her he is "toxic" and she needs to reevaluate their marriage and get a divorce.
Load More Replies... Respect, oh mah gawd. I love my fellah and I care about his thus our well being. I want him nourished, healthy and happy. We are so good that way... He listens to me. He dances with me. He fixes things. He buys me things. He REALLY fixes things. My guy would have Chateaubriand for lunch!!!
Smh. Making a lunch one time, lady please. It's not even that serious...
NTA. Sometimes things happen. She was the AH. It wouldn't have hurt her to help him out. That's what partners do. You don't ask her every day, or ever apparently. She should have been concerned for you -- not how by helping you would make her feel like a servant. She was thinking of herself, not of you.
I agree it's not a big deal but some people ( his wife may or may not be one of them) get a sick little pleasure seeing others struggle and it's a thrill for them knowing the could help but this is better feeling to them
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I feel like she is trying to make him feel consequences of his actions because he binge watched tv, and most likely it’s a habit she is resentful about, that’s why she refused to pack him lunch, but resentment is a beginning of the end of a relationship. They need therapy, because that’s not right to not help your partner in distress even if you brake your boundary and I’m sure there was a resentment on her part of him having a bad habit and refusing to change. I would feel hurt to let someone I love go to work without lunch, all rejected and not feel loved:(
Sounds like 1) the wife needs therapy to clear her daddy/family issues out if she's using that as a reason to not do something extremely simple, quick and needed as a polite favor and, 2) I'd do anything for my husband if it was within my means, time and energy, and he was nice about it. Literally the guy could ask me to round up horses and I'd give it a shot. Lol he does a lot for me, and he's never rude to me. I could at least get off my a*s and make a sandwich.
I gotta say, I feel like he wasn't being an a*****e yes he didn't "ask" at first but if someone called that out to me I'd take it as a request and not a demand... Also yeah working part time is less work I believe he added that in just to help detail that while she cleans more he does more physical house work and works more hours so the total house work is more or less even and definitely not out of balance enough that he's taking her for granted. Everyone has had a day when they've overslept and need a hand getting ready they shouldn't be punished for that. So for me, she definitely could have helped without it being a big issue
i would really like to hear her side of the story. i think it was ok to ask, but probably something like "would you mind picking me lunch this one time?" would have been nicer. demanding wasn't ok and being mad about it isn't either.
I'm not sure if I could sit there doing nothing watching my OH in a panic even if it did involve doing something I didn't like - I don't like ironing shirts, he normally does his own, but I will do one in a panic - he asks me respectfully though. Tbh even if I'm busy with something, I'll help out, unless what I am busy with is time specific to my own day, in which case it's a 'sorry I can't'.
I wouldn't even call either party here an AH. A little immature, though. This...this is such a miniscule and stupid thing to get into an argument about in the first place. But I'm leaning on OP being justified in being upset with his wife. Imagine needing help, and the person who married you because they love you knows that you're struggling, but sits idle on her phone instead. Marriages generally involve at least two people, do they not?
I think I would have packed his lunch, but that night we would gave a talk about his time management. I suspect there is more to this from her point of view, but if you love someone, you help out in an "emergency", even a small one. If it was indeed only because "that's her boundary" then it's petty and silly. I understand not wanting your marriage to look like your parents'. I have a few issues myself, like waiting on my husband hand and foot like my mom did for my stepdad (they both worked, but she was treated like a waitress in my opinion). BUT, if I go to the kitchen, I ask if hubby wants something. If he is busy, he is comfortable asking for a bottle of water or help. No worries, because he doesn't take advantage. If he did, that's another conversation. It could have been handled better from both sides.
Simple solution, OP: Pack your own damn lunch the night before. Put it all together in a brown bag or lunch pail, so it’s all in one quick grab and go place. Done.
Correct OP! You can never make a mistake then try to rely on your SO for anything without being an AH!!!! /S
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YTA: GROW TF UP. You are not entitled to your wife's time because you're married. She has a boundary and you agreed to it. That doesn't change because YOU overslept. You are not a child anymore and your wife is not your mommy. And before I hear a single, "You don't understand marriage!" I have been married for 22 years. No, this guy doesn't understand marriage. The agreement doesn't change because "I want you to do it for me this one time!" And then the next time. And the next time. And then she either folds in on herself like her mom did, or she leaves you. "Come on, it's just one meal. It's not a big deal!" No, this is a slippery slope, and she recognized that. Bottom line: you're an adult and you made a bad decision. You take the L and go hungry today. You think life is difficult now, wait until you have kids and a mortgage to cope with. You think not getting a bloody sandwich is hard, you have NO idea. This is so miniscule it shouldn't have even registered as a problem.
Lol based on your large paragraph it sounds like you have a problem with it. Everyone stay your lanes nothing to see here! Oh except she is part time and he is FT - so your comment "you are not entitled to your wife's time" would mostly imply she is fine to mooch his time 2.5 of 7 days each week. But he can't ask for a sando. But I'm sure your right she entitled to his time and never the other way around.
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Unpopular opinion, regardless of anything else, you sir have a shitty wife. Say what you will, but if you can't simply make a sandwich, you are salty childish person. To the wife, stop acting like a little girl, and act like a woman who is a supportive partner. Wouldn't be surprised if he was to replace you, dime a dozen. There is a woman who would gladly make him a sandwich, remember that. Nothing wrong with supporting your partner, seems you are lacking.
And he's a shitty husband for assuming her boundary can be overlooked over his own stupid mistake.
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Yeah I normally hate these cries for divorce, but there is likely more red flags she is throwing that you need to factor in, then act.
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If this would have been a woman complaining about her male partner not packing her lunch, would this even be an article?
Well the females bashing her wouldn't be happening! Lol
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Very unsettling that your spouse doesn't have your back. How can you be happy in a relationship, much more a marriage, when your partner acts like that? I see this as the beginning of the end for this couple.
All of you are trippen and entitled. She said "No." Stop acting suprised as much as the OP that when one says ,"no", it literally means "no." To hold a grudge is just as petty and the probability of having the maturity level of a fifteen year old is high with most.
HELLLLNAWWW you fell asleep watching TV on the couch you would not dare yell up them stairs at me for a sandwich. No I do not help my husband every time he is stressed. We ain't codependent. Sometimes you got to go hungry for a day and be stressed out so you can learn the lesson. Listen, he better be glad there's even food in the fridge to make a damn sandwich. Learn how to take care of your own needs and do not expect me to come bailing you out because you stay up late watching TV. You didn't even come up and tell me good night and now our first interaction we have is you yelling at me to make you a sandwich?! Listen baby, we can meal prep you something for the week better than sandwiches, chips, and soda one night and I'll clean up everything. To return the favor you can draw me a hot bubble bath and then make me cum at least 5 times. It's only 11:00 and we fall asleep satisfied TOGETHER and your lunch ready. THAT'S PARTNERSHIP.
I think there is more going on here than is stated. Was the late TV watching disturbing her sleep? Was alcohol involved? Had she asked for something that evening that you didn't do? It sounds like she was already pissed at you. The most telling remark is that you were unwilling to use your at work option to take care of getting some food just because it was inconvenient. Why should she be responsible for your failure to plan? Not her emergency. You could have and should have set a 2nd alarm. What did you offer her in exchange for her help since you knew she didn't want to do it? Sounds like absolutely nothing. Quid pro quo! You also wanted her to make the whole meal. How about just asking her to get it started? And finally, if you didn't think this was an imposition on her, but it was an imposition on you, how is that fair or reasonable? I think she mostly wanted to teach you a lesson and not set a precedent that she would bail you out whenever you were being irresponsible.
One morning, long ago, my ex-husband woke up to find no ironed shirts hanging in the closet, as he got ready for work. He didn't complain, gripe or explode at me. He simply put on a sweater, grabbed his lunch and went out to defrost the car windows. I was caring for a very hyperactive, special needs toddler in those days and was often overwhelmed. I've never forgotten that kindness.
NTA!! Didn't sound like you made a demand. You were running late. Happens. There was no excuse for her to sit there. You don't sound like a guy who would "get even". Me (f70 yeah 70) I'd remember it. Bide my time. Karma can be a b***h. Your wife will need your help one day and you might just be too busy. She would deserve it.
I would say the most a*****e part is the guy being so angry when he looks at her days later. It is such a petty fight. I also think she could have had more empathy, but women are often cornered into the role of Mom to their romantic partners, because so many men have not learned how to be independent adults. In a previous relationship I felt a strong aversion to doing certain things for my then-partner, because they were expected and not appreciated. I felt I was being used. Some of those same things I find myself wanting to do for my current partner, as the reaction is different--grateful, and surprised. The woman in this post saw her dad use her mom in the specific way that she was expected to make his lunch--as if somehow that's her role, not chosen by her but by her husband--and so the younger woman has a boundary about it. Her husband will not starve and needs to figure out a way to take care of himself without stewing for days over having to do it himself. It's being an adult...
I don't understand this new breed of people... Rigid and inflexible! I get having things one won't do, but what is your reality? Does he treat you as if he's entitled, or did he ask a favour? I hate my dad, and I've outlined the things that bother me, but my husband in no way acts like my father, so things I wouldn't do for or with my father, I'd do in a heartbeat for my husband, because my husband treats me with love and respect and his requests aren't coming from the same place. That's how you heal from certain types of trauma. Her loathing her father's "sense of entitlement" could be her mother's way to show love... Sad generation... Their parents better have all their ducks in a row as old age is gonna come with some real hardships.
This is absolutely the most petty, childish argument I've ever seen. You both have problems. Your wife with her lunch hangup, and you letting this anger you so much. Yes, your wife COULD have made you a lunch just once. Once does not mean forever. Making a lunch once in a while doesn't mean she's subservient, it just means being a nice person once in a while. Slight screw loose there. Now let's get to you-- how long does it take to make a sandwich? 2 minutes? 2 slices of bread, some meat and mayo. Doesn't require a sous chef. Soda, grab a couple bottles from the fridge. Chips probably already in little bags. Fruit, grab an apple from the counter. Put it in your little lunch box and away you go. You were already late, you already called your boss to let him know. Seriously, you could have made your own lunch. Pick your battles, son. If you are both so immature at this point, what's going to happen if/when you have kids? You both need to grow up. Marriage is a 2 way street.
This is some petty sh!t for sure. She could have helped him get out of the house and then call him out on his bulls--- knowing this was entirely his fault. But they're a couple and need to help out in a time of need. Reverse the roles: she didn't take care of her car like he asked her to and her car didn't work one day when she was late. He stands idly by not offering his car cause that's his boundary. Cars don't break down one day to another, it takes time like his binge watching does. We'd all judge him hard for not helping her out.
Op is TA! Quote: "I really NEED you to quick throw a lunch together for me". Then he even dictated what it should include! Maybe if he had phrased it more as a polite request instead of as a demand with details she might have considered it. "Please" can go a long way and so does NOT dictating how a favor should be done by the person doing it (a personal pet peeve of mine). The final fact that he chose to have a fight over HIS mistake and that he is still angry about it every time he looks at her and claims he doesn't know where to go from here solidifies the fact that he is TA. I'll tell him where he can go! To an anger management class because this feels like there is a lot more underlying this.
I’m kinda with her side on this. If she packs his lunch once, he might start expecting it all the time. Men tend to take things for granted and have traditionally put their wives in a subordinate position by thinking “it’s a woman’s job”. Prepare your own lunch the night before instead of watching tv. You were irresponsible and now you blame her! Grow up. What would you do if you were single? Demand your neighbor fix your lunch? Just grow up- your lunch is your responsibility, not hers.
But working FT is a "man's job" in your book? Sexist much?
Load More Replies... Why can't the OP get over this? He's holding this simple little thing against his wife. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
This doesn't feel simple or small to me. We count on our partners being there for us when we feel vulnerable. This husband sounds like he tries to respect her boundaries even though he doesn't understand why they exist. He reached out in a panicked, vulnerable spot and she wasn't there. How can you still count on someone to have your back when they can't momentarily put aside their comfort to help you in your time of need? This would be a big deal to me.
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Ehhh, I’m going to have to agree with the ESH. Could she have made the lunch? Yes. Should she have made the lunch? Maybe? But this something she set a very clear boundary over, at the beginning of the relationship, and frantically shouting at her from another room without any please or thank you isn’t gonna get you what you want.
YTA. No one likes being shouted at from another room. No one likes being held responsible for someone else's laziness. You're a big boy. Learn to plan ahead or learn to accept the consequences of your mistakes (staying up late, overslept, etc).
The guy is definitely the TA. This story isn't about a sandwich or a partner not helping out in a stressful situation. This is about a man who messed up and somehow manages to paint his wife as the villain. He distracts with irrelevant facts: he works full time, she works part time, he does his fair share of chores including, GASP, the yardwork. Many on here think she's a big ol meanie who failed to be a partner and help him out in his time of need. Pretty dramatic. Never mind the situation was entirely of his own making. Nevermind he knew this was a hot button issue for her. Now, maybe the two of them need to work on their communication, but this guy is really stuck on his hurt feelings and not taking responsibility for his actions. Oh and I don't care why his wife doesn't want to make his lunch. We all have our boundaries. He knew hers and decided his needs were more important than respecting his wife.
When she asks you for something sit there ignore her give her the cold shoulder.
This poor guy....given his wife's reaction of just sitting there on her phone while he's frantically running around trying to makeup for his mistake THAT HE OWNED UP TO, he's absolutely NTA in this scenario. He asked her to throw together a lunch, not donate a f@cking kidney! How petty that she can't get over something for what would literally take 2 minutes out of her obviously not busy day to help. This doesn't appear to be a balanced partnership.
I made my exe's lunches for him the night before, until I didn't. When he started dictating his preference on when I needed to do his lunch (in the morning and not the night before) and stopped appreciating that these things were loving acts of service, I stopped. If he ever asked nicely afterwards, when he was in a rush, I stepped up. This person's partner is petty. She could have made his lunch that one time, then reiterated her boundary regarding making his lunch and that it would not be repeated, drawn the line there and stuck with it. You can have boundaries and still be a supportive partner. It's called compromise and works both ways as long as all the compromises aren't only yours.
Family is a team. The team works to get the worker bees out the door. That could be anything from staying out of the bathroom to changing a flat tire. Someone who won't help the team shouldn't be family.
Boundries or no boundries, in any normal relationship respect is a mutual understanding. When one person in that relationship is under stress the most natural thing for the other one would be to jump in and HELP.!!. So instead of lessening his stress, she just added to it. WOW.!! What a great relationship they have.!!
Reading some these women's comments makes me embarrassed to be a female tbh...smfh "it's his fault, he overslept", "he didn't ask", "he doesn't do half the house chores", "since when are outdoor chores and everyday chore", "he knew she had a boundary before he married"...blah blah blah. GTFOH and go get a damn therapist ya m**o entitled Karens!!😒😒😒
He stayed up late watching a show and couldn’t be bothered to spare another 5 minutes to make his own lunch for the next day? He’s the a**hole. Sorry, no sympathy here. He’s a grown a** man.
Actually.. sorry op.. yta. But, unintentionally. Sure for us making a lunch is simple. But those couple moments would of triggered a bad time in her life. And for the rest of the day, she would of flashed back to those moments. You and she have an agreement in this. And you, in order to make things easier on yourself, are resentful to her for holding onto her position. A hard limit is not EVER asked. And you are resenting her cause YOU demanded she make you lunch. You say asked., But asked gives option for her to say no. And for you not to punish her with your mood for it. A demand means you stomp around pissed off because you had to stick to your half of the agreement...and use the other option that was open to you. You even asking...actually made her feel worse then you did.. and then you got angry at her added to that
I think Nobody is the AH. I have childhood trauma and some other issues. I have been the wife in this situation. My now Ex didn't get it. I can understand why he would get upset about the situation. Most normal people would be upset. On the other hand I can completely empathize how she really could NOT do this favor. It may have put her into a panic and she was looking at her phone to avoid the stressful situation. They both need therapy to be able to get to the bottom of this and be able to accept each other and maybe she could even make progress on how to get through this block. I know I have, but not 100%.
She was right for standing her ground. He got himself into this mess, so he needs to man up and wipe his own behind. Also, she established a clear boundary and he tried to undermine it. I guarantee you “just this once” would have progressed to sometimes, then weekly, and landed square on every day.
So if she insists she can't work more than part time, and he must work FT to pay the bills, I would argue they BOTH got him into this situation. Not necessarily 100% his fault even if he thinks it is....but she would have had the time to watch the series and not have to stay up late to do it. So yeah she's 100% the AH, and he's correctly catching the red flags as she produces them...
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YTA. Stop trying to wheedle, force or exception your way around her boundaries.
In a marriage there are things I dislike but will do, because its what being a partner is all about........ Lets not compare this with having a fear of heights and your partner asking you to go rock climbing. Its a line in the sand she has drawn not a phobia or abject fear of sandwich making.
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Good for her. That would've been the first in a long line of I'm just running late this one time lunches, then been a daily thing. She made a hard boundary. Would he have just gone hungry if he was single? She's his wife, not his mom, and he's 28 for f*cks sake
I get that she was probably being petty with this, but dude you're the one who over slept. Yes she could've helped you out, but at the end of the day you got no call to be mad at her. The one thing you might remember is that you'd already called in. Your boss already knew you were gonna be late. You definitely could've made your own lunch at that point. The difference between being late 30 minutes and being late 35 minutes is not gonna be what saves your job.
Too much egoism... Be reminded, other people are not you. What you'd do in a similar situation is only your business and noone else's. Noone is obliged to behave exactly as you want. Even your wife.
Hindsight being 20/20 he could have *asked* if she wouldn't mind setting out lunch making supplies as he was in a rush, that way she wouldn't be making his lunch but he would be able to get to work faster. As someone who has had boundaries ignored consistently by family, friends and previous partners I can understand why she stood firm. It starts out small but if someone gets angry because you won't let them ignore your boundaries and then stays angry enough that looking at you makes that anger resurface then the person ignoring the preset relationship rules needs to reexamine why that is is making them angry. It's the follow up anger that is the inappropriate response. A healthy response would be annoyance and acceptance followed by a request to work out a compromise for the future not "you refused to do something you said you weren't ever going to do but it would make my life slightly more convenient and make you feel like a servant so now I'm going to punish you by staying angry at you until you break and do as you're told"
well, I'd just wait, with the patience of a crocodile, for the next time she asks me to do something for her.
Wow, this isn’t about her husband; she’s getting back at her dad for not showing more gratitude to his wife for making his lunches when she was growing up. Sitting on her phone refusing to help her husband when it’s an unusual situation for him to ask for help is petty & mean spirited. She’s got daddy issues and he’s more committed to her than she is to him. I sure hope he doesn’t consider having kids with her until they get some counseling. The making lunch issue is between her parents and who knows what her parents might’ve privately talked about or agreed to without bringing her into that part of their relationship. Was her mom upset with her dad about his lack of gratitude? Or did her mom see this as helping him get out the door in the morning? Like helping her children get ready to leave for school? Well, it’s an odd hill to die on but we each pick our own. But now OP knows she’s not the one to have his back; the image of her sitting there refusing to help will last a long time
I am astounded and see why marriages are troubled or end in divorce going by responses. Marriage is a partnership, always have each others back. As hard as my husband worked to provide he deserved everything, especially a good meal. His appreciation was confirmed the night I made him a steak dinner with all the fixings close to time for him to get off work. Wrapped tightly in foil to stay hot then I went back to bed. He couldn't stop talking about his feast. He had told me I took care of the house and kids. I shouldn't get up early or stay up late to cook when he could cook himself. Working hard and arriving home to a meal meant everything to him. Best part of my marriage was taking care of my family. Happier home.
This is why marriage in a certain age group isnt going to work. You just know these people are too young and immature to know what it means to be in a marriage. Entitlement? What the actual f*ck?? Yall are MARRIED. Get your greasy a*s up and make his damn lunch. Lazy a*s women and whiny men... OP should dip and kick her to the curb and his wife needs to get a grip on reality. I made my husband lunch whenever he asked. If I didnt feel like it, he would politely ask and I would get up and do it any damn way. That's what it means to really *love* someone and put them first. Not just yourself. This new-age thinking is honestly going to cause our society to go backwards.
If a mate refuses to lend a hand when another mate is down there are deeper issues. I can completely understand his view and sympathize with his plight. That’s it. She had no compassion or empathy for her mate, who clearly helps out and provides for the family. Marriage is a partnership and both mates are required to contribute to it and especially when things get rough. Her refusal to lift a finger does nothing but further damage the relationship.
I don't care what her hang ups or triggers are she could've did that one favor for you. See that could have been me because I would've just ignored her from them on.
Take away my woman card! I am soooo sick of these "stay at home wives!!" There are no kids so get off your lazy a*s and get a job! That was just so ignorant of her. It doesn't seem like a recurring thing so would it have killed her!?! NO! Instead she sat there on her phone. Probably all she does everyday. Gives the rest of us a bad name and also why so many men nowadays won't commit.
He's not TA, but it's probably not the hill to die on. Given her odd quirk about not making lunch for him, it would be better to go without and use the vending machines to "get him through the day."
Goodness, two bratty children got married. Two a***holes will get divorced.
It seems the time he spent asking her to make the lunch he could have just made it himself. But instead he let his anger at her stop him from making his own lunch, which made him angrier throughout the day at her because once he realized she did not make it, he refused to make it. Even though he stated it would have been simple to just throw some items in the bag. So he set himself up for the later argument. He is also valuing his relax time of watching television over her relax time on the sofa. And even though he says he looks at things a certain way his language points in the opposite direction because why point out that she works part time, why mention the amount of chores etc. If this isn't something you keep tally on, the response would otherwise simply be, we both work, we both do chores so this is only about the lunch.
Putting aside my opinion on if she should have done it or not, this was the second problem the guy *created for himself*. His boss already knew he would be late, but not exactly how late. It would have made no difference to take the few minutes to make his own lunch. But he left without a lunch, why? So that his wife would see him leaving without a lunch? So that he could seethe about it for days? So that he could feel like the good guy for accepting part of the responsibility, while still being angry at his wife for problems HE created? Regardless of if the wife is an AH for not doing it, OP is an AH for being mad at her because he had to go a day without a home-made lunch. (Not even without lunch! Just without a home-made one! )
This has an easy solution. You say, "No problem, I'll find a nice restaurant and get/order lunch from there ". If she gets mad that it's too expensive to eat out, that's on her.
Not making a lunch is just the head of the zit here. I do not believe that everything in their relationship is peachy with a response like hers. Either the wife is lying about her dad being a great guy and is dealing with abuse issues, or hubby has been laying on more housework on her that he 'believes' and she's sick of it. They definitely need to see a marriage counselor quickly before a child is introduced to this nonsense.
Listen, I am not one who likes to be packing lunches (when I was living with my BF at the time, we were together for almost 7yrs), my BF packed his own most of the time, but I did, from time to time get up and made his lunch especially when he was running late for work and I worked too. This woman just seems a little too entitled and a brat who just won't comprosime for her partner, even in a time of need. She needs to get over her childhood "trauma" and be more aware of her husband's needs. The man doesn't even sound like he asks her for much yet she still won't budge. He needs a whole new wife from the looks of it. If she's not willing to do this one little thing when he really needs it, what else is she not willing to do for him? Ijs
NTA for 'asking', but for being upset (still) that she didn't just do it. It is not an emergency that It is hard for you to be at work without a packed lunch. so why the 'someone needs to pack a lunch!' panic?You were going to be late--that mess you admit you made. Why request (pleaded) for a 'dealbreaker' favor? At this point it doesn't matter how little time it would take her or that she was just on her phone. How many parents do you think would have done the same thing to their child, who overslept for no good reason?
This is a mixed bag. Yes there should be exceptions to a rule, but he KNEW this was her line a d shed firmly set a boundary; he should have been prepared for the response
That's the price of being in a relationship, sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and do things you wouldn't do.
I hope he broke up with her. I *ACTUALLY* have cptsd, and the attitude on miss ma'am absolutely appalls me. A ONE-TIME favor bothers you THAT MUCH, that you'd sit there and WATCH your partner stress and struggle? With no issue to you at all? Everyone telling this dude to grow up, and that it was his fault, is either a teenager, or hasn't been in a serious relationship in their lives.
Usually issues like that sometimes boil down to trust. She doesn’t trust you when you say just this once. You may not now trust her to come to you aid when an emergency arises. Some marriages may fall apart under stress other just get stronger. What type are f marriage is yours and how can it be made stronger as a team. No I in team is the saying.
Undecided. On one hand I have been barked at about partner being late and made lunches ect but I don't really enjoy that expectation probably because it's also not even really appreciated . I as a female have never had a man make me lunch. If I'm running late ect it doesn't even occur to me that someone owes that to me. So on one hand yes I do it for my partner myself but on the other I can kind of see her stance somewhat.
Definitely NTA. Seems as though the wife got off on watching him panic and struggle. When in a relationship, you compromise and help where you can so long as you aren't getting hurt. She could have easily helped this one time and then made it clear that she won't be doing it again. But lets be clear here, the wife cooks dinner for crying out loud, but refuses to simply make a sandwich and throw fruit and chips in a bag? Now, I'm not raining on her trauma parade but this sounds a tad bit made up 😬...so I'm not in the least bit surprised why he's still upset but he definitely needs to get over it and convey his anger to her or it'll grow.
This is honestly such a specific situation. The fact that she is so hung up on making lunches is a bit extreme. That said, I also find it really strange that everyone keeps saying it would've been just that one time, it's only that one lunch & how can she not help him when he's all stressed - this ONE time. I don't know your experiences with marriage or relationships in general, but I can tell you there have been those moments that I wished that I would have put my foot down and said no to something "just this ONCE" or "only this ONE time", because it ended up getting me stuck doing an unpleasant task on a regular basis. If you try to get out of it later, it's like well you could do it that one time, please just one more time. Guilt trips and the observation that you're obviously able to do it because you did it before - plague you. I can understand why someone might not want to do that especially if it is something that really irks them already. He easily could've grabbed something h
If he had the boundary, and the watched her struggle through the morning, sitting next to the kitchen and not helping, all the people hating on him would feel differently. The comments would largely just be calling him lazy trash (instead of intimation that this is somehow a power move to manipulate her or something). This is a situation about a real couple and should be treated irrespective of the general feeling people have for the opposite gender. This guy asked for help once and there are a surprising number of comments that are basically "since all men are manipulative, trash babies she would be making his lunch every day by the end of the week". When I occasionally need help with something, my wife helps me. I thank her and she knows that I would, and do, do the same. That is what being in a marriage is about.
What planet are the YTA people on. Get a grip - so what if it's his fault he overload SHES HIS WIFE and meant to be a partner. I wouldn't even think twice I'd do it to help him because he's my husband and I love him. Like seriously not even any trauma and just sat there when he's struggling. F*** off. It's so snide and ridiculous you won't help your partner because that's a BoUnDARy it's just a stupid idea she's got up her a** and to just sit there while he stressed. Do one
So he: knows she has a hangup about packing lunches after watching spousal abuse at home. But: expects that she will do it anyway when it suits him. That expectation is exactly the problem and I respect her standing her ground.
This is rubbish...you could have just bought lunch at work then ask for her to prep lunch and anyway sonce you say it's just a sandwich,fruits and some soda,you can piece it together in like whut 5min?do it urself then.at that time you binge watch stuff you could've prep stuff for the next day. You know she dun like the idea of prepping lunch,you shouldn't be getting her to do it.
People keep saying this - but sandos are my fav, and a second day sando goes in the trash IMO, so this solution is not viable, ever....
Load More Replies... After reading his last edit he was desperate to be told he was right and his wife was in the wrong. It's worrying that he still can't get over it and feels anger whenever he looks at his wife. He doesn't mention getting in trouble at work and if it's a one time thing I don't get why he is so upset. I wonder how much he really does around the house.
Hahah I caught that too.. It did seem desperate. Why would it matter how much house work either does or when he had mentioned the job situation? It honestly read like a script... Almost a narcissistic person making sure they seem innocent. Interesting. He has probably demanded her to make him a sandwich before.
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You should never be with someone who punishes you for the sins of other people.
shes a wife to a fully grown adult not a mother to a child, his fault for not setting his lunch up the night before and oversleeping, did she tell him the night before "go to bed or you'll end up not waking up in time?" yes it would've been nice to help and if i wasnt busy i wouldve set the lunch up if i was in her shoes AFTER reminding him that im not his slave and would like him to try asking nicely while using the word "please" but his wife said that it isnt something she was comfortable with doing
How does the relationship last even a week? Surely he knew what she was like before marriage so he could walk away from such a selfish arsehole
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I don't normally comment on this sort of stuff, but as usual, we're focussed on the situation and not what the guy is actually asking help with. He says he's still angry. Now, anger is a secondary emotion. My guess is that he's feeling like his wife cares more about a seemingly archaic boundary than him (which, of course, is not archaic to her). What he's actually looking for is reassurance from his spouse that she loves and cares for him despite holding her boundaries. The advice he needs is how to navigate an emotionally charged conversation with his wife about feeling like he matters. But this constantly becomes the problem. Men who open up and search for emotional help are given 'logic' or 'blame game' comments that don't help anybody. The emotional game is hard for men who are told to have only 2 emotions (happy and angry) and we're met with the terrible rhetoric in these comments if we try. How does a man have this sort of conversation when this is the response?
Wow…. She’s not a very good partner at all! How childish to sit there and play games on your phone while your partner is stressing out and late for work when you could’ve easily made a sandwich for him and threw in a fruit and a couple drinks… You guys won’t be married long sorry for the harsh reality.
I feel bad for this man. We expect our partners to help us in times of need - that is what a team is. She is petty and childish, unwilling to resolve her childhood issues. NTA.
I don't get this at all. They're both TA. He knew how she felt about making lunches, and that her dad felt entitled to have his wife make his lunch. He repeated the entitlement by telling her she needed to make his lunch for him. He felt entitled to a lunch packed by his wife because he messed up and was running late? That's bs. She knew he was running late. According to OP, he knows her hang-up over making lunches, and has never asked before. She could've made the lunch just this once and told him it was a one time deal. But seriously, to still be mad over it? OP, you TOLD her you needed her to make your lunch, and were very specific on what you wanted. That's an AH. You didn't ask. OP wife, you were literally doing nothing. He did eventually say please. You still couldn't help? You sound more like roommates than partners. Good luck in your marriage, you're going to need it. Especially if it's still angering you.
This guy really doesn’t understand what childhood trauma is lol. I have good memories with my father, but that doesn’t mean I don’t shy away whenever someone raises their voice at me
I always packed my own lunch. Problem solved. Never once asked my wife to pack my lunch. However if I would have asked her I am sure she would not have made it a big deal.
Every relationship has its own things going on. My mum made lunch for my dad every day until for fanatical reasons she had to work a lot more hours, it then became my job. The OP's wife might find that treating the women like servants, I just thought it was part of family life. Now I make lunch for my husband, usually I don't think about it. Once in a while, I stay up too late playing games, and have to charge around in the morning trying to be on time - on those days, my husband tuts at my not going to bed on time, but he makes both our lunches and warms up my car.
Run! Run! Run! Brother you better off alone!!!!! Thats not a nice person to be around. Stop buying love!
This is so fascinating, I'm impressed by how much of Reddit says YTA to this and the majority on bored panda are the opposite. A lot of the commenters are quite insensitive though. The situation clearly an issue stemming from both sides, they're both in the wrong. No need to downplay one with such toxicity just to agree with the other.
Wow my two cents, Dude if your that upset leave or talk about it with her avoiding an argument if possible ( doubt it) and if she hits with the boundary get out of that ship, My reason for that is simple, one hand should wash the over specially in stressful situations. My partner hates throw up and has made the remark of never helping me if I ever started to throw up, but when I was really sick guess who helped me and yes there was some complaining but she sucked it up. Now I have been in plenty of situations where I had to help her and did I really want to do those things no but I did. Now I was really sick for about a week but to be truthful if she didn't help at that time I would have been looking at things different and probably would not have married her. I would not be with someone who couldn't love me and take care of me knowing I would do the same for her. At that point you will feel like your putting more in then them and it will slowly Gnaw at you
Everyone that tells this man YTA then your just petty as f**k and never want to help no one
She needs psychological help and you need to set two alarm clocks and learn to count on no one
Unreal. But a guy is just expected to do all that and more just because. Oh. And pay all the bills and fund your entire lifestyle. Work all week 12+ hours a day. Only to be told you don't do enough around the house like. Sorry. I am the only reason there IS a f*****g house but. Sure. Lol. 🤡🤡🤡🤡. The entitlement of toxic women today is in unreal.
I’m a woman but totally agree with you. I would recommend young men to remain single. People really acting as if that woman survived horrific abuse or something 😂 Pretty sure more ‘trauma’s’ will come up once they have children. He should divorce her as she is a partner. This goes wat deeper than the lunch situation…he cannot count on her in stressful situations and that is a huge red flag.
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I think they're both at fault. She could have helped him out, knowing he was running late. I wouldn't have hesitated for my husband, he wouldn't have even had to ask, I would have offered. My husband asks for what he needs, never demands because he knows what my reaction will be. Almost identical to hers. All the husband had to do was run upstairs say "I just woke up, I'm gonna be late for work. I know you have an issue with making lunches but I would really, REALLY appreciate if you could throw a little something together for me. PLEASE." And maybe offer to take her out to a special dinner that night to show his appreciation. My guy and I have been together for almost 20 years and he thanks me for doing laundry and dishes (I find both relaxing). She wasn't being petty, she was sticking to her guns. If the roles were reversed, men would be giving him high fives.
While definitely NTA, I feel like these things really need to be dealt with before tying the knot, no matter him trivial it seems at the time🤦🏽♀️ and let's be honest, if roles were reverse, y'all would have called him misogynist and privilege. Although I don't like he didn't technically ask( what is with that, people telling rather than asking?) I understand it was a time sensitive situation. I also understand this was fault of his own. Yet that's what marriage is about, sometimes stepping in when our partner needs even if it's their own mistake. Obviously this "boundary" is a semi traumatic association that needs to be dealt with. Does his laundry and makes dinner and yet packing lunch symbolizes servitude? Significantly less effort than the former yet major issue.
It's lunch it's not that serious! , couldn't he call grubhub , Door dash or Uber eats? His wife told him well in advance that due to her own creepy childhood psychological issues she wasn't going to pack his lunch! And she did not... Though I would like to side with her I cannot. She is letting her past experience mess with her relationship , she cannot let go of the past ! Major red flags there !!! She Needs therapy !
How old are these people? What kind of marriages are these were I'm seeing people post about terms set. Marriage is give and take. Ups and downs. I was beat all the time by my mom. I would absolutely never use that against anyone I was dating or married to.
Marriage is about teamwork. You were in play and needed your wife’s support while she was on the sideline. You would have supported her if the opposite were the case. Sad your wife could not see it that way.
Reddit will be Reddit. And Reddit is filled with brainless idiots. Lmao The guy wasn't asking for a full lunch every day. And the wife isn't even against making food for the guy as evidence by her cooking dinners. If this was a regular thing, him sleeping in, rushing, and asking for her to make him lunch, then if say he's definitely TA. But this doesn't seem to be the case. The wife needs therapy. As for the fight... The guy needs to get over it. He handled it poorly too. The conversation should have been too understand each other's (valid) points and to figure out a way to have better helper each other - maybe the wife could've started his lunch and he could toss the last few things in - she didn't do the full making and packing of the lunch, and three husband would still save some time getting out the door.
She can have petty boundaries by herself. I can't imagine watching someone I love struggling when I could help. I'd be cancelling that contact. This shows deeper issues.
Y'all are acting like this man will starve without lunch. This is a very strange hill to die on. So what he slept in? So what his wife has issues with making him lunch? It's not that serious in any way, shape, or form. Just talk about it then move on, not argue for days and reevaluate your marriage
YTA. Not for hoping your wife might pack you a lunch because you were running late, but for the combined phasing of the request (demanding "I need you to" rather than asking nicely - the please was an afterthought), the snarky "Really? Were you too busy?" when you found your lunch cooler empty (she'd already said no), and for not getting over it before you got home still pissed off leading to a fight; you are an adult, you knew she had a boundary, and you could probably have grabbed yourself bottles of drinks, chips and fruit quite quickly (even if you didn't want to lose more time making a sandwich) so you could have been less reliant on vending machines during the day.
Your wife set a hard boundary with you. It was something that was important to her for her dignity and self respect. Instead of finding other solutions (even inconvenient ones) you expected her to cross that boundary for your convenience. That's what this boils down to. Yes, you are very much the AH here. Men always think womens' concerns are small. The fact that you don't think this is a big deal doesn't make that true. Learn to respect that this is one thing your wife will not do for men and find other solutions when lunch doesn't go as planned.
It's not that shocking. Feminism has taught girls/women that doing anything for their partner or spouse is throwing them back to the 1950s. Cooking, cleaning, making a lunch, etc. I am a woman who has been married for 25 years. You are supposed to be a team, and being part of a team is helping each other out when needed. She is the a-hole in this case and he has a right to be hurt or angry.
His edit about how the wife can't have a childhood trauma because her father is a decent guy is telling that this man doesn't know how childhood trauma works
It's time for him to remember some of his child trauma's... You know re-equalize the relationship...
Load More Replies... Actually they both seem pretty immature in the situation. A lot patience and consideration by both parties will help them in the future.
I think your understanding of a relationship is messed up. One that will never grow to prosper is one based on blame, and hate, and lack of Cooperation. You Jordi are the AH and should look at how you live your life for further errors.
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BIG BIG BIG NTA WTF is wrong with people here?! What boundary?! She was not molested or beaten or something terrible that you asked her to do so she could recreate trauma in her mind. It's a lunch?! She was free, she was going through her phone the whole time and you don't insist on that on a daily basis, it was this time... She should be ashamed, marriage is all about support and respect for the both sides
I think the wife is TA. I had an actual serious issue with packing lunches due to childhood situations. And my husband was not good at packing lunches. He made great coffee though. So intern for his making my coffee in the morning, I packed his lunches and did not feel abused. Marriage is about caring for one another, and the wife knowing that this was an emergency was being a complete jerk.They may need marriage counseling to get through this.
he is definitely nta. this type of disagreement is the litmus test for the type of marriage and spouse he has to deal with. now is definitely the time to state the "boundary" that he's not making kids' lunches and then let it go. the level of blasé she was while he was was freaking out... this isn't about her "boundary". this is about his job, promotions, income and even keeping that job. my mr would not have even asked and I would have been at the door with his lunch and coffee (even if I disliked doing it)
How pathetic can you be? I would pack my partners lunch just because I appreciate her. There is a difference between being a servant and wanting to do things for those you love. It's all about the expectations. Once you expect something of someone, that's when it becomes a chore. I do all things for myself and expect nothing from anyone and for this reason I appreciate anything anyone does for me. You all imprison yourselves with all of these expectations.
Your wife is petty ad. It doesn't make her your slave to help you when you've made a mistake. She's really selfish
YNTA I have issues from my upbringing too, but if my husband was in a jam, I would help him out. Sitting there on the phone while your spouse struggles is a d**k move.
Wow, it was ONE favor. Yes, his fault for staying up late and scrambling but it's not something the always do for him. And yes I am a woman who believes that my husband has hands and can and should help himself. If he calls me from work and ask a favor, especially a one time thing, I'll do it. She's a b!tch.
Wife is being totally and completely selfish. You asked 1 time for a very small favor. Her sense of entitlement with "its not my job" is infuriating. If this is her attitude then you should give her back what she gave you. Refuse any small favors she asks. Her tune will change quick.
Yeah, assuming that he asked in a polite way under the circumstances, then NTA. While relationships definitely function better with understanding and mutual respect for boundaries, everyone needs to know that their partner will be there for them when it matters. What if her boundary were she doesn't run errands for him. And one day he calls her from work and says, "I'm being held hostage and I need you to run to the bank for me and get a thousand dollars or they'll shoot me". And she was like, sorry not sorry but you know I don't run errands. She should seek therapy and talk to her husband about it and not let her relationship suffer because she needs to punish her father by proxy.
NTA. OP knew her boundaries from the very beginning, so there's no real point getting upset about it now. But it wouldn't hurt for her to make his lunch when he needs the extra help. I have some mental issues so I live with my grandma, I always pack her two Pepsi's and a couple snacks. I mean she did it for me growing up so why not. It doesn't take much to be nice.
I'm wondering how she'll react further down the line in life, when maybe her husband will need help with other things as well, or vice-versa. Some people really aren't made to be life partners and that should be perfectly fine, just know thyself, own yourself and don't become a burden for others. In this case I'd think the husband is definitely NTA. I would've helped a stranger in a time pinch, let alone my life partner.
This is why you don't marry selfish people. Marriage is a partnership where we should both want the best for each other. Serving your spouse is not being a "servant". Would she have reacted the same to a friend asking her for a favor? Please don't have children!!!!
If i love my husband, i can forget about everything and will do everything to help him out. It takes two to tango. Give and take.
Divorce her fast . It will get worse down the road. Based on 26+ years if this and realized it gotten worse.
NTA!!! But his issue is not really about food. It is he realizes he can not count on her in an emergency. She won't bend on something trivial when he needed her on an exception not all the time. She showed a big character flaw and now he is considering what else may arise in the future.
If we're not in a marriage to help each other when needed, then what are we there for? If you love someone, you help them out. I'd have been late for work several times over the years because I forgot I needed gas, but my hubby always got it for me if I asked...grumblingly...but he did it. Also, he's been the shovel beneath my wheels on many snow days! I packed his lunch every day until he retired, and I loved that his co-workers were jealous of his huge, delicious sandwiches! I get it about his wife feeling like she does about making sandwiches when she felt like her mom's efforts weren't appreciated, but using the term boundaries to describe this is comical. Only if she was being pressured to make sandwiches could you use the term boundaries. And those talking about boundaries and trust issues?? I think this husband is the one who will have trust issues now because the person he believed he could count on let him down, and seemed to take pleasure in doing it. I'd be angry!
I'm definitely on the husband's side. In my opinion she just showed you that if "the s**t" ever goes down that you can not depend on her. I don't know about you, for me that's a deal breaker.
NTA. People are people and they oversleep sometimes. The best about a healthy relationship is being able to rely on someone for the good and the bad. The wife is the ahole here. Crazy weird boundary that most certainly could be put aside this once. I get why he is angry. It's the contempt, the lack of empathy and partnership. Not good things on the long run
I can not believe what I just read. To everyone who is saying he is TA and that his wife was totally in the right you guys have some very serious issues or are very immature about things and if you are a married person saying things like that I bet your partner/spouse is very unhappy. Anyways imo the wife should have happily made him a lunch for one she is his wife and she wasn't busy she was just being rude imo and I do understand that he could have got something on the way but what if money was tight then that would mean he couldn't afford to go somewhere to buy lunch out so I think the wife could have helped her husband I mean how would she feel if it were the other way around and she asked him for help or something and he said NO wouldn't she be upset
Definitely not the ahole. Its not an everyday thing. Its a one off. If my spouse was running late, you know, putting money on the table, id for sure make them lunch. Its the kind thing to do and I mean heck. I hope its the person you live. Im sure he would do the same if roles were reversed.
This clearly shows an immature mindset. It was his fault, but shouldn't partner's help each other inspite of who happens to be in the wrong on whatever arbitrary day? If the scenario was the other way around I know some of the responses would be different. If I have a childish hang up, society will tell me to "grow a pair", why can't she? Is it because she's a woman? She has the same ability to take accountability and support the person who is contributing to the household. Marriage should not be 50/50, but 100/100 to even have a chance of working. Utter foolishness.
Not TA at all... next level pettiness to say the least. Her carrying that toxic mindset into her own marriage of packing lunches is awful. Why not do for each other and be grateful that you can do those things for your partner? Insert a love note and tell them you love them... help each other out and leave what you saw in your parent's marriage out of yours imo... Make new rules together and work together to make sure you're both on the same page... I'm not married but if I ever was blessed to be, I'd love to make my Husband's lunches!
Can I just say NTA here your wife only dislikes. It because her mother's partner was entitled about it sheesh and he hasn't asked her before and respected that's just dum he said he needed it and owns to the mistake people are petty these days sheesh 🙄.
This guy is NTA. Like most people stated, marriage is a partnership, and she showed you how much she'd rather avoid helping than committing to the partnership of marriage. I'm not married because I know this is what I'll end up getting from it. Save yourself the stress don't get married guys until posts like these disappear from the internet for at least 20 years.
She's not mature enough for marriage and doesn't understand that marriage is all about helping eachother When In Need, ex-wife her.
A truly caring spouse would have helped her husband out. Aren't you supposed to be PARTNERS? Boundaries that create unnecessary difficulty should be examined. There is more to this story. Is wife being passive aggressive because husband continually breaks boundaries? Is wife unhappy? Therapy time folks... GL
ITS....A... FRIGGIN...LUNCH... It wasn't like he was asking her to iron his shirt and use starch, running out in the winter and start his car to warm up, or shine his dang shoes... She was being a moron about it, and he was a goob for oversleeping over a show... SHE needs to check her entitlement. It takes 3 minutes to pack a dang lunch. ESPECIALLY since she knew he was running behind. I make my hubby his lunches.. If I forget for whatever reason, he works on the army base here, he will get it together and not be mad.. My god, they need to get it together and that chick needs to stop her mess. My hubby hates yardwork, but he weedeats. I hate doing somethings myself, but we do them. We argue at times, but its never over something as stupid as me thinking I am too entitled to pack a lunch for cripes sake... the OP is NTA, but legit him and his wife need help... mainly her, but jeez
I have always made my husband's lunch because he works late at night over 10 hours a day. My daughters don't do this for their husband's. My husband will bring breakfast or take me out or help me out at making breakfast. When I was in the hospital he was always there even sleeping in those uncomfortable chairs before going to work his shift. We do for each other. I was the oldest in my family and responsible for my siblings and the housework including making sure supper was ready. I knew my parents work hard but on the weekends we went out and my parents made sure we had fun. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. I LOVE my husband. I don't like seeing him stressed out. If you can see them struggling and choose to not help, then you need to re-evaluate your partnership. Boundaries are set on how you handle a argument or you do not lay hands on one another or not to invite this person because of conflict etc. The argument was petty and she was petty in making it her hill to die on.
She's a narcissist, period, point blank! Partnership includes sacrifice as well as understanding!! At least he got to see that side.... it's all in the learning process! Karma exists!!
I'm trying to understand her particular boundary. My wife (f) and I just celebrated our 35th Anniversary. Through all of our years together we have never put "boundaries" before one another. Of course there are limits to certain things, but nothing so ridiculous, and obviously needed. Especially, something so simple. Though he knew and accepted her terms, her love for him should have exceeded her hang up. I can't imagine having such stupid hang up cause me to set myself up for a possible grief and disappointment in myself that I cant ever take back. Imagine her husband passed away and her looking back at that moment.
Stop with the BS. Marriage is a teamwork thing. She wasnt busy and it would have taken her all of 5 minutes to help him out. What the wife doesnt realise is that her husband is not like her father and im sure hubby would have appreciated it. So unless her father come over and demands she make him lunch, she needs to get over that bs. F*****g Millennials.
Tough one..I don't think it is about the lunch, not really. He felt as though when he needed her help she blew him off. Self inflicted or not when we ask our partners for help and get refused it is real dismissive and can plant a seed of resentment that will just grow and grow. If she won't help with little needs what is gonna happen when a big one arises. She gonna bail on that too? Just a guess to what he may be thinking. I wake up at 3am to make my husband's lunch. He works a dangerous job and I want him well rested so he can be safer. I also don't work and this is my contribution. We have been together 23 years and I have been a sahm for 4 years. Prior to kids oir division of work was much different. A marriage should be able to evolve as life comes. Help each other out. Be kind
Seriously. I would have no problem making a quick lunch for my husband.
Wow these comments are exactly why people need to learn the meaning behind words based in psychology before just throwing them around. And just because something is a boundary for someone, that doesn't make it a requirement for everyone to drop everything for it all the time. Boundary setting has consequences, and if they are crossed too many times then reevaluation comes in (of the relationship, the boundary, the reason for the boundary, etc.). I am so glad many of you do not find yourselves in D/s relationships, on both sides of this argument. (I do not even come close to my sub's boundary points on purpose, and if something happens we process both separately and (if they feel the need) together so that I can do better and our relationship and dynamic can continue growing from that point)
All i see here is a husband make a mistake then ask his wife if she could do him a favor just this once. The wife say no, she would rather sit on the couch playing on her phone then help out her man that is running late. What kind of relationship is that, is one thing if the wife is busy with work or taking care of the kids and stuff. But no she is doing nothing but playing on her phone.
Bar none, she was a b***h. I don't care about what she "feels" like. You're in a relationship and this is what you do. Stop being a lazy c*nt.
When a man and woman marry, they are no longer two, but one. There are no more boundaries. They are supposed to give themselves completely to each other. Therefore the wife is 100 percent wrong. However,the husband is also wrong because he should have been more considerate of her weakness and not have asked for her help, even though he considered this to be a special circumstance. With an understanding husband, a wife with external hangups may be able to overcome them, and vice-versa.
I am constantly told do not fight fire with fire but for me karma.... my turn will come premeditated though it may be but I wait... next month ... next year .... just you know never slip up ... this sounds mean but so was that.
Nah I think she was being a brat. I would be pissed too. Her nonchalance is ironically no different tonher dad's. He didnt recognize hus wige's efforts, and now your wife didnt recognize your need for help in a one off situation. But, I think more than pissed you're hurt. Which is fair. Is this where you drae the line? What would happen if it was a more serious situation? Would you leave me hanging then too? .
You are a good husband, but your wife should have been more considered about the situation and packed a lunch. We all have a bad day.
Narcissistic is what she is!! Sacrifice is included in partnerships!! Karma is still king!
Wow so NTAH she may need to talk to someone about her hang up over lunch. Maybe he should say I am hing up on my dad paying the bills. I am gonna need you to work full time and pay for half of everything. B**** need to get over herself. Helping you partner out is part of the contract really. Ppl over sleep it happens. Was she awake listening to your alarm go off. I am confused on that part. My husband and I both set alarms to male sure we are up. Yall need counseling or divorce.
Your spouse needs you, you be there. I had to do a lot of things when I got married that I said that I would never do, and not to be morbid, but what if something had happened to her husband, and her last memory was choosing not to pack him a quick lunch as her hill to die on? He owned what he did, and she behaved like a brat, and just scrolled through her phone, when a quick lunch would've taken 5 minutes to make, and then tell him that he owes her a dinner date, because he knows that she doesn't like doing that. It would've meant the world to him if she set this one boundary aside, and made him his lunch. After this, they could both agree to make lunches the night before.
Divorce the b***h or tell her to pay half the bills treat her like a roommate instead of a wife
Sure, maybe her boundary enforcement was a little hardline but his getting actually bent out of shape and picking a fight was the a*****e move. I don't think her intention was to provoke or incite his rage but he did choose to hang onto it and rage out over it. I think a better way to handle it would have been to brush it off. You don't always get your way. My partner has a hard boundary that he won't do any form of food prep ever in his entire existence. I know that so I don't ask. I just cook for him sometimes and let him balance it by picking up the check when we go out.
What nonsense. Imagine being so petty that you would literally rather sit there and watch your partner struggle rather than help them out by making a frigging lunch because “tHaTs My bOuNdAry”. I’ve never heard of anything so utterly ridiculous. Marriage is a partnership - you help your partner out even if it is something you don’t want to/have to do.
I couldn't believe that people honestly thought he was TA. I'm astounded at how many people have such a petty mindset. When you're in a relationship, boundaries for something so petty SHOULD BE FLEXIBLE! For example: my hubby spent his whole childhood washing everyone's dishes so they had clean plates etc to eat off of. No one else in his home EVER did this. Knowing that, I have been the one to maintain the kitchen. I don't ask for help, he doesn't complain if it gets "behind". However, if I am sick, have had surgery, a bad day, etc- he does the dishes for me (he has other chores around the house that I *won't* do - change oil in card, take out trashes...). Part of being in a partnership is realizing your SO needs you and being there for them. TBH: I would have expected her to make the lunch without even being asked. Loving someone means putting them first when applicable- especially when it's something so small in the grand scheme of life.
Load More Replies... A lot of petty people on here. If my wife was in the same situation, even if we were fighting at the time, I would help her out. Because we are on the same team!! Oh...he said she does more housework...he said he does more yardwork. PETTY @SSH@LES IN HERE!!
There are a LOT of folks commenting who should NOT be married. Petty doesn't even begin to cover it. I'd say most of the commenters are quite immature also. I also notice quite a few of the women who posted read a lot more into what the OP posted than what was actually stated. I think folks need to re-evaluate their own relationships, remove the chips from their shoulders and realize, s**t happens (he overslept) and sometimes we do things we don't like (make a friggin lunch) cause we love our partners. That's how a healthy relationship works.
Load More Replies... I get what people are saying about boundaries. I also can't understand a marriage where one partner doesn't help the other in moments of stress. ESH.
Boundaries, the two seen each other naked lol. If my wife ever needed help, I would and she would help me too.
Load More Replies... NTA. I get it as a regular thing but if my husband was in a similar situation I’d have packed him a lunch cause I know he would of done the same if I was running late. Your wife seems like the AH in this situation to me cause shes using a childhood experience as an excuse to not help you out. I don’t think it’s that serious that she has to be so strict about it but that’s just me. 🤷🏼♀️
Yep. Does she make her own lunches? Or does she have delivered every day? If she makes her own the mental illness here must be quite deep to be able to feed herself but can't feed another! Poor guy will be making the kids lunches the rest of his life! Now would be a wise time for him to claim a diaper phobia / mental disorder....
Load More Replies... People who are trying to pathologize him because he watched TV late and said "only part time" are being ridiculous. Yes, she has a known boundary and waking up late was his fault, but it's not like she was fast asleep because she worked late and he ruined her day. It sounds like she was just sitting next to the kitchen watching him stress out. He definitely needs to get over it because it's not that big of a deal, but I love how he detailed that he also does half the housework because he knew that was coming and a lot of the responses are still like "you're obviously a terrible husband who doesn't respect his wife". Marriage is a partnership, it is totally normal to expect whichever spouse works half as much as the other one to help out more. That's not entitlement, that's just expecting an equitable relationship.
These things never appear in a vaccuum and I am pretty sure it's not just about her dad. He admits to binge watching for more than one evening. That doesn't equal him spending time on the house or in her company for extended periods of Time, I could be wrong but I thinking resentment on her part as to how he spends his time and how that makes her feel is a big elephant in the room he is ignoring.
Ok, assuming this is the cae - why be passive aggressive? TALK to him about it.
Load More Replies... I'm going against the majority here - but I think she should have helped. this situation appears to be a one off, it could have been her being late for something and asking him for help - She could have done it & said just this once!! If my partner just sat watching whilst I was struggling to do something, I would not be at all happy :(
The ones that have the public split down the middle really make you think. My initial reaction was NTA. Do I think she could have helped him this one simple moment in a time he needed her during stress? Certainly. I don’t think it’s insane for him to ask her for help after he made a mistake. And I do not think it’s fair to read too far into their relationship over this post about lunch making. However the YTA did make me think a bit. If she has clearly stated this is a thing for her I think it needs to be respected and anticipated. One thing I’ve learned about marriage is that it’s about COMPROMISE. Did it kill him to simply get a different lunch that day because he had woken up late? Would it have killed her to make lunch for him this one time to help him? I lean more towards NTA, but I do think it’s fair to have warned him “I am not doing this again, I do not make lunches for you. Next time you will be buying your lunch”. But for that one time if I saw my partner struggling…
Yeah, but if this something that she really has trauma over (it doesn't read like that but i guess it's possible) she needs to see a therapist. What would she do if they had kids and he was out of town or something? It is a weird hill to die on...
Load More Replies... I have a weird hang-up about bathroom stuff, probably because of how closed off my family was growing up re body habits. But i still reached in to hand my bf some napkins (with eyes tightly closed!)when he discovered mid-poo that we had ran out of toilet paper. He knew this was my boundary but i got over myself since this was an actual need and said my eyes will be closed so tell me if i need to reach in more etc lol. That's what his wife should have done as well. It didn't create a precedent of having to see him on toilet, nor would this man's wife be expected to make lunch every day for him. The funny thing is i was in an abusive relationship where i actually made lunch and dinner for my kids' ungrateful dad every day and still wouldn't be bothered by my current s.o. asking for help, as he would be ecstatic for the help if he needed it! Because that's what you do in a HEALTHY relationship. Communicate and help with needs
So the other side of it is... Wife works part time, and feels that her husband considers her time less valuable as a result. She has a firm boundry that she will not make him a packed lunch in the morning, as it puts her in the 'mom/servant' position, in a way she finds personally demeaning. It makes her feel like she's supposed to be serving him, or that it's her responsibility to organise him and make sure he's ready for work. She's tried explaining this boundry, but he doesn't 'get' it. Hsband is showing escalating irresponsibility, and she feels like he's trying to make her 'Mommy' him and take on a caretaker role. He binge watches, stays up all night, oversleeps, then this morning he's rushing, and yells from the other room to make his lunch. She sees this as a pattern of behavior that's violating her expressed boundries, and refuses to enable him. He buys lunch from vending machines, but he's still sulking because she wasn't 'supportive' during his self-inflicted 'emergency'.
Do you write fiction too?....... Jesus that was your takeaway?...... Pattern of behavior? It was isolated. refuses to enable him?..... He asked her to make lunch not borrow money for heroin Escalating irresponsibility?...... He overslept -a rare occurrence apparently.
Load More Replies... I'm astonished there weren't more NTA's or at least NAH's. She doesn't want to pack his lunch daily because it makes her feel like a servant; he respects that and packs his own lunch. ONCE, he's running late, in a bind, asks for a favor. If I were in the wife's position, I 100% would have packed that lunch, and done anything else I could to help him get out the door. I would ask the same of him if I were running late. Marriage is a partnership, and if one of you needs help, and the other doesn't even lift a finger, that's a big red flag. Yes, she had a boundary , but enforcing it in this situation was too rigid. My partner and I both ease our boundaries occasionally if it's a fringe case and our partner will really benefit from it. I suspect OP is not so much upset because he didn't have a nice lunch as that his life partner sat there scrolling on her phone instead of supporting him in his time of need. This isn't a relationship ender, but I'd love to see these two get counseling to learn to connect better.
Dear OP: putting an emphasis on your wife "only" working part time (as if her job is worth less than yours) and downplaying her obvious boundary to a "hangup" clearly shows who the problem in this situation is, and it's not your wife. You don't take her seriously at all and seem to expect her to somehow "make up" for her shortcomings by fixing your mistakes. Sincerely, screw you.
You misread the way " only" was used in context. He is stating she isn't stressed about being late herself or he probably wouldn't have asked her. Stop being so petty and demanding when someone asks for something. If you don't care enough for your partner to help when he's in a bind why are you even married?
Load More Replies... I’m all for boundaries in a relationship. But to die on that hill, so to speak, is not the sign of a healthy relationship. He didn’t ask her to violate any kind of moral principles. Sorry, he just didn’t. There are things my husband knows I won’t do, but making a lunch is… well, it’s something she should probably seek counseling for because as a task in a marriage it really shouldn’t trigger that much of a traumatic response. Was her mother abused if/when she didn’t make lunch for her husband? There really has to be more there. And they could benefit from marriage counseling because this is not a healthy dynamic.
Wife says her dad's a "decent guy", just entitled when it came to having his lunch made. There's that.
Load More Replies... The wife has a childlike selfish quality that reveals her great level of immaturity. No skin off her nose to pitch in and be a team player and good wife. Her knee jerk refusal is a bit unsettling.
Correct having kids with her would not be wise. You are likely to find more hidden phobias coming out of the wood works...
Load More Replies... For everyone saying it was his fault: Please! Like you have never done something you shouldn't have? It was one time. She needs to get over herself or get a divorce. I absolutely hate when someone who supposedly cares about you just stands there and watches you struggle. 😡
I wish I could see all those comments had the genders in the story been reversed.
Honestly, if one said "No", it usually means "No." Just my take.
Load More Replies... I wish I could read all those comments had the genders in the story been reversed. My guess is that we would see a lot of 180s.
I promise you I was thinking the same thing! Not only would it be a 180, they would be telling her he is "toxic" and she needs to reevaluate their marriage and get a divorce.
Load More Replies... Respect, oh mah gawd. I love my fellah and I care about his thus our well being. I want him nourished, healthy and happy. We are so good that way... He listens to me. He dances with me. He fixes things. He buys me things. He REALLY fixes things. My guy would have Chateaubriand for lunch!!!
Smh. Making a lunch one time, lady please. It's not even that serious...
NTA. Sometimes things happen. She was the AH. It wouldn't have hurt her to help him out. That's what partners do. You don't ask her every day, or ever apparently. She should have been concerned for you -- not how by helping you would make her feel like a servant. She was thinking of herself, not of you.
I agree it's not a big deal but some people ( his wife may or may not be one of them) get a sick little pleasure seeing others struggle and it's a thrill for them knowing the could help but this is better feeling to them
Load More Replies... I feel like she is trying to make him feel consequences of his actions because he binge watched tv, and most likely it’s a habit she is resentful about, that’s why she refused to pack him lunch, but resentment is a beginning of the end of a relationship. They need therapy, because that’s not right to not help your partner in distress even if you brake your boundary and I’m sure there was a resentment on her part of him having a bad habit and refusing to change. I would feel hurt to let someone I love go to work without lunch, all rejected and not feel loved:(
Sounds like 1) the wife needs therapy to clear her daddy/family issues out if she's using that as a reason to not do something extremely simple, quick and needed as a polite favor and, 2) I'd do anything for my husband if it was within my means, time and energy, and he was nice about it. Literally the guy could ask me to round up horses and I'd give it a shot. Lol he does a lot for me, and he's never rude to me. I could at least get off my a*s and make a sandwich.
I gotta say, I feel like he wasn't being an a*****e yes he didn't "ask" at first but if someone called that out to me I'd take it as a request and not a demand... Also yeah working part time is less work I believe he added that in just to help detail that while she cleans more he does more physical house work and works more hours so the total house work is more or less even and definitely not out of balance enough that he's taking her for granted. Everyone has had a day when they've overslept and need a hand getting ready they shouldn't be punished for that. So for me, she definitely could have helped without it being a big issue
i would really like to hear her side of the story. i think it was ok to ask, but probably something like "would you mind picking me lunch this one time?" would have been nicer. demanding wasn't ok and being mad about it isn't either.
I'm not sure if I could sit there doing nothing watching my OH in a panic even if it did involve doing something I didn't like - I don't like ironing shirts, he normally does his own, but I will do one in a panic - he asks me respectfully though. Tbh even if I'm busy with something, I'll help out, unless what I am busy with is time specific to my own day, in which case it's a 'sorry I can't'.
I wouldn't even call either party here an AH. A little immature, though. This...this is such a miniscule and stupid thing to get into an argument about in the first place. But I'm leaning on OP being justified in being upset with his wife. Imagine needing help, and the person who married you because they love you knows that you're struggling, but sits idle on her phone instead. Marriages generally involve at least two people, do they not?
I think I would have packed his lunch, but that night we would gave a talk about his time management. I suspect there is more to this from her point of view, but if you love someone, you help out in an "emergency", even a small one. If it was indeed only because "that's her boundary" then it's petty and silly. I understand not wanting your marriage to look like your parents'. I have a few issues myself, like waiting on my husband hand and foot like my mom did for my stepdad (they both worked, but she was treated like a waitress in my opinion). BUT, if I go to the kitchen, I ask if hubby wants something. If he is busy, he is comfortable asking for a bottle of water or help. No worries, because he doesn't take advantage. If he did, that's another conversation. It could have been handled better from both sides.
Simple solution, OP: Pack your own damn lunch the night before. Put it all together in a brown bag or lunch pail, so it’s all in one quick grab and go place. Done.
Correct OP! You can never make a mistake then try to rely on your SO for anything without being an AH!!!! /S
Load More Replies... YTA: GROW TF UP. You are not entitled to your wife's time because you're married. She has a boundary and you agreed to it. That doesn't change because YOU overslept. You are not a child anymore and your wife is not your mommy. And before I hear a single, "You don't understand marriage!" I have been married for 22 years. No, this guy doesn't understand marriage. The agreement doesn't change because "I want you to do it for me this one time!" And then the next time. And the next time. And then she either folds in on herself like her mom did, or she leaves you. "Come on, it's just one meal. It's not a big deal!" No, this is a slippery slope, and she recognized that. Bottom line: you're an adult and you made a bad decision. You take the L and go hungry today. You think life is difficult now, wait until you have kids and a mortgage to cope with. You think not getting a bloody sandwich is hard, you have NO idea. This is so miniscule it shouldn't have even registered as a problem.
Lol based on your large paragraph it sounds like you have a problem with it. Everyone stay your lanes nothing to see here! Oh except she is part time and he is FT - so your comment "you are not entitled to your wife's time" would mostly imply she is fine to mooch his time 2.5 of 7 days each week. But he can't ask for a sando. But I'm sure your right she entitled to his time and never the other way around.
Load More Replies... Unpopular opinion, regardless of anything else, you sir have a shitty wife. Say what you will, but if you can't simply make a sandwich, you are salty childish person. To the wife, stop acting like a little girl, and act like a woman who is a supportive partner. Wouldn't be surprised if he was to replace you, dime a dozen. There is a woman who would gladly make him a sandwich, remember that. Nothing wrong with supporting your partner, seems you are lacking.
And he's a shitty husband for assuming her boundary can be overlooked over his own stupid mistake.
Load More Replies... Yeah I normally hate these cries for divorce, but there is likely more red flags she is throwing that you need to factor in, then act.
Load More Replies... If this would have been a woman complaining about her male partner not packing her lunch, would this even be an article?
Well the females bashing her wouldn't be happening! Lol
Load More Replies... Very unsettling that your spouse doesn't have your back. How can you be happy in a relationship, much more a marriage, when your partner acts like that? I see this as the beginning of the end for this couple.
All of you are trippen and entitled. She said "No." Stop acting suprised as much as the OP that when one says ,"no", it literally means "no." To hold a grudge is just as petty and the probability of having the maturity level of a fifteen year old is high with most.
HELLLLNAWWW you fell asleep watching TV on the couch you would not dare yell up them stairs at me for a sandwich. No I do not help my husband every time he is stressed. We ain't codependent. Sometimes you got to go hungry for a day and be stressed out so you can learn the lesson. Listen, he better be glad there's even food in the fridge to make a damn sandwich. Learn how to take care of your own needs and do not expect me to come bailing you out because you stay up late watching TV. You didn't even come up and tell me good night and now our first interaction we have is you yelling at me to make you a sandwich?! Listen baby, we can meal prep you something for the week better than sandwiches, chips, and soda one night and I'll clean up everything. To return the favor you can draw me a hot bubble bath and then make me cum at least 5 times. It's only 11:00 and we fall asleep satisfied TOGETHER and your lunch ready. THAT'S PARTNERSHIP.
I think there is more going on here than is stated. Was the late TV watching disturbing her sleep? Was alcohol involved? Had she asked for something that evening that you didn't do? It sounds like she was already pissed at you. The most telling remark is that you were unwilling to use your at work option to take care of getting some food just because it was inconvenient. Why should she be responsible for your failure to plan? Not her emergency. You could have and should have set a 2nd alarm. What did you offer her in exchange for her help since you knew she didn't want to do it? Sounds like absolutely nothing. Quid pro quo! You also wanted her to make the whole meal. How about just asking her to get it started? And finally, if you didn't think this was an imposition on her, but it was an imposition on you, how is that fair or reasonable? I think she mostly wanted to teach you a lesson and not set a precedent that she would bail you out whenever you were being irresponsible.
One morning, long ago, my ex-husband woke up to find no ironed shirts hanging in the closet, as he got ready for work. He didn't complain, gripe or explode at me. He simply put on a sweater, grabbed his lunch and went out to defrost the car windows. I was caring for a very hyperactive, special needs toddler in those days and was often overwhelmed. I've never forgotten that kindness.
NTA!! Didn't sound like you made a demand. You were running late. Happens. There was no excuse for her to sit there. You don't sound like a guy who would "get even". Me (f70 yeah 70) I'd remember it. Bide my time. Karma can be a b***h. Your wife will need your help one day and you might just be too busy. She would deserve it.
I would say the most a*****e part is the guy being so angry when he looks at her days later. It is such a petty fight. I also think she could have had more empathy, but women are often cornered into the role of Mom to their romantic partners, because so many men have not learned how to be independent adults. In a previous relationship I felt a strong aversion to doing certain things for my then-partner, because they were expected and not appreciated. I felt I was being used. Some of those same things I find myself wanting to do for my current partner, as the reaction is different--grateful, and surprised. The woman in this post saw her dad use her mom in the specific way that she was expected to make his lunch--as if somehow that's her role, not chosen by her but by her husband--and so the younger woman has a boundary about it. Her husband will not starve and needs to figure out a way to take care of himself without stewing for days over having to do it himself. It's being an adult...
I don't understand this new breed of people... Rigid and inflexible! I get having things one won't do, but what is your reality? Does he treat you as if he's entitled, or did he ask a favour? I hate my dad, and I've outlined the things that bother me, but my husband in no way acts like my father, so things I wouldn't do for or with my father, I'd do in a heartbeat for my husband, because my husband treats me with love and respect and his requests aren't coming from the same place. That's how you heal from certain types of trauma. Her loathing her father's "sense of entitlement" could be her mother's way to show love... Sad generation... Their parents better have all their ducks in a row as old age is gonna come with some real hardships.
This is absolutely the most petty, childish argument I've ever seen. You both have problems. Your wife with her lunch hangup, and you letting this anger you so much. Yes, your wife COULD have made you a lunch just once. Once does not mean forever. Making a lunch once in a while doesn't mean she's subservient, it just means being a nice person once in a while. Slight screw loose there. Now let's get to you-- how long does it take to make a sandwich? 2 minutes? 2 slices of bread, some meat and mayo. Doesn't require a sous chef. Soda, grab a couple bottles from the fridge. Chips probably already in little bags. Fruit, grab an apple from the counter. Put it in your little lunch box and away you go. You were already late, you already called your boss to let him know. Seriously, you could have made your own lunch. Pick your battles, son. If you are both so immature at this point, what's going to happen if/when you have kids? You both need to grow up. Marriage is a 2 way street.
This is some petty sh!t for sure. She could have helped him get out of the house and then call him out on his bulls--- knowing this was entirely his fault. But they're a couple and need to help out in a time of need. Reverse the roles: she didn't take care of her car like he asked her to and her car didn't work one day when she was late. He stands idly by not offering his car cause that's his boundary. Cars don't break down one day to another, it takes time like his binge watching does. We'd all judge him hard for not helping her out.
Op is TA! Quote: "I really NEED you to quick throw a lunch together for me". Then he even dictated what it should include! Maybe if he had phrased it more as a polite request instead of as a demand with details she might have considered it. "Please" can go a long way and so does NOT dictating how a favor should be done by the person doing it (a personal pet peeve of mine). The final fact that he chose to have a fight over HIS mistake and that he is still angry about it every time he looks at her and claims he doesn't know where to go from here solidifies the fact that he is TA. I'll tell him where he can go! To an anger management class because this feels like there is a lot more underlying this.
I’m kinda with her side on this. If she packs his lunch once, he might start expecting it all the time. Men tend to take things for granted and have traditionally put their wives in a subordinate position by thinking “it’s a woman’s job”. Prepare your own lunch the night before instead of watching tv. You were irresponsible and now you blame her! Grow up. What would you do if you were single? Demand your neighbor fix your lunch? Just grow up- your lunch is your responsibility, not hers.
But working FT is a "man's job" in your book? Sexist much?
Load More Replies... Why can't the OP get over this? He's holding this simple little thing against his wife. This is only the tip of the iceberg.
This doesn't feel simple or small to me. We count on our partners being there for us when we feel vulnerable. This husband sounds like he tries to respect her boundaries even though he doesn't understand why they exist. He reached out in a panicked, vulnerable spot and she wasn't there. How can you still count on someone to have your back when they can't momentarily put aside their comfort to help you in your time of need? This would be a big deal to me.
Load More Replies... Ehhh, I’m going to have to agree with the ESH. Could she have made the lunch? Yes. Should she have made the lunch? Maybe? But this something she set a very clear boundary over, at the beginning of the relationship, and frantically shouting at her from another room without any please or thank you isn’t gonna get you what you want.
YTA. No one likes being shouted at from another room. No one likes being held responsible for someone else's laziness. You're a big boy. Learn to plan ahead or learn to accept the consequences of your mistakes (staying up late, overslept, etc).
The guy is definitely the TA. This story isn't about a sandwich or a partner not helping out in a stressful situation. This is about a man who messed up and somehow manages to paint his wife as the villain. He distracts with irrelevant facts: he works full time, she works part time, he does his fair share of chores including, GASP, the yardwork. Many on here think she's a big ol meanie who failed to be a partner and help him out in his time of need. Pretty dramatic. Never mind the situation was entirely of his own making. Nevermind he knew this was a hot button issue for her. Now, maybe the two of them need to work on their communication, but this guy is really stuck on his hurt feelings and not taking responsibility for his actions. Oh and I don't care why his wife doesn't want to make his lunch. We all have our boundaries. He knew hers and decided his needs were more important than respecting his wife.
When she asks you for something sit there ignore her give her the cold shoulder.
This poor guy....given his wife's reaction of just sitting there on her phone while he's frantically running around trying to makeup for his mistake THAT HE OWNED UP TO, he's absolutely NTA in this scenario. He asked her to throw together a lunch, not donate a f@cking kidney! How petty that she can't get over something for what would literally take 2 minutes out of her obviously not busy day to help. This doesn't appear to be a balanced partnership.
I made my exe's lunches for him the night before, until I didn't. When he started dictating his preference on when I needed to do his lunch (in the morning and not the night before) and stopped appreciating that these things were loving acts of service, I stopped. If he ever asked nicely afterwards, when he was in a rush, I stepped up. This person's partner is petty. She could have made his lunch that one time, then reiterated her boundary regarding making his lunch and that it would not be repeated, drawn the line there and stuck with it. You can have boundaries and still be a supportive partner. It's called compromise and works both ways as long as all the compromises aren't only yours.
Family is a team. The team works to get the worker bees out the door. That could be anything from staying out of the bathroom to changing a flat tire. Someone who won't help the team shouldn't be family.
Boundries or no boundries, in any normal relationship respect is a mutual understanding. When one person in that relationship is under stress the most natural thing for the other one would be to jump in and HELP.!!. So instead of lessening his stress, she just added to it. WOW.!! What a great relationship they have.!!
Reading some these women's comments makes me embarrassed to be a female tbh...smfh "it's his fault, he overslept", "he didn't ask", "he doesn't do half the house chores", "since when are outdoor chores and everyday chore", "he knew she had a boundary before he married"...blah blah blah. GTFOH and go get a damn therapist ya m**o entitled Karens!!😒😒😒
He stayed up late watching a show and couldn’t be bothered to spare another 5 minutes to make his own lunch for the next day? He’s the a**hole. Sorry, no sympathy here. He’s a grown a** man.
Actually.. sorry op.. yta. But, unintentionally. Sure for us making a lunch is simple. But those couple moments would of triggered a bad time in her life. And for the rest of the day, she would of flashed back to those moments. You and she have an agreement in this. And you, in order to make things easier on yourself, are resentful to her for holding onto her position. A hard limit is not EVER asked. And you are resenting her cause YOU demanded she make you lunch. You say asked., But asked gives option for her to say no. And for you not to punish her with your mood for it. A demand means you stomp around pissed off because you had to stick to your half of the agreement...and use the other option that was open to you. You even asking...actually made her feel worse then you did.. and then you got angry at her added to that
I think Nobody is the AH. I have childhood trauma and some other issues. I have been the wife in this situation. My now Ex didn't get it. I can understand why he would get upset about the situation. Most normal people would be upset. On the other hand I can completely empathize how she really could NOT do this favor. It may have put her into a panic and she was looking at her phone to avoid the stressful situation. They both need therapy to be able to get to the bottom of this and be able to accept each other and maybe she could even make progress on how to get through this block. I know I have, but not 100%.
She was right for standing her ground. He got himself into this mess, so he needs to man up and wipe his own behind. Also, she established a clear boundary and he tried to undermine it. I guarantee you “just this once” would have progressed to sometimes, then weekly, and landed square on every day.
So if she insists she can't work more than part time, and he must work FT to pay the bills, I would argue they BOTH got him into this situation. Not necessarily 100% his fault even if he thinks it is....but she would have had the time to watch the series and not have to stay up late to do it. So yeah she's 100% the AH, and he's correctly catching the red flags as she produces them...
Load More Replies... YTA. Stop trying to wheedle, force or exception your way around her boundaries.
In a marriage there are things I dislike but will do, because its what being a partner is all about........ Lets not compare this with having a fear of heights and your partner asking you to go rock climbing. Its a line in the sand she has drawn not a phobia or abject fear of sandwich making.
Load More Replies... Good for her. That would've been the first in a long line of I'm just running late this one time lunches, then been a daily thing. She made a hard boundary. Would he have just gone hungry if he was single? She's his wife, not his mom, and he's 28 for f*cks sake
I get that she was probably being petty with this, but dude you're the one who over slept. Yes she could've helped you out, but at the end of the day you got no call to be mad at her. The one thing you might remember is that you'd already called in. Your boss already knew you were gonna be late. You definitely could've made your own lunch at that point. The difference between being late 30 minutes and being late 35 minutes is not gonna be what saves your job.
Too much egoism... Be reminded, other people are not you. What you'd do in a similar situation is only your business and noone else's. Noone is obliged to behave exactly as you want. Even your wife.
Hindsight being 20/20 he could have *asked* if she wouldn't mind setting out lunch making supplies as he was in a rush, that way she wouldn't be making his lunch but he would be able to get to work faster. As someone who has had boundaries ignored consistently by family, friends and previous partners I can understand why she stood firm. It starts out small but if someone gets angry because you won't let them ignore your boundaries and then stays angry enough that looking at you makes that anger resurface then the person ignoring the preset relationship rules needs to reexamine why that is is making them angry. It's the follow up anger that is the inappropriate response. A healthy response would be annoyance and acceptance followed by a request to work out a compromise for the future not "you refused to do something you said you weren't ever going to do but it would make my life slightly more convenient and make you feel like a servant so now I'm going to punish you by staying angry at you until you break and do as you're told"
well, I'd just wait, with the patience of a crocodile, for the next time she asks me to do something for her.
Wow, this isn’t about her husband; she’s getting back at her dad for not showing more gratitude to his wife for making his lunches when she was growing up. Sitting on her phone refusing to help her husband when it’s an unusual situation for him to ask for help is petty & mean spirited. She’s got daddy issues and he’s more committed to her than she is to him. I sure hope he doesn’t consider having kids with her until they get some counseling. The making lunch issue is between her parents and who knows what her parents might’ve privately talked about or agreed to without bringing her into that part of their relationship. Was her mom upset with her dad about his lack of gratitude? Or did her mom see this as helping him get out the door in the morning? Like helping her children get ready to leave for school? Well, it’s an odd hill to die on but we each pick our own. But now OP knows she’s not the one to have his back; the image of her sitting there refusing to help will last a long time
I am astounded and see why marriages are troubled or end in divorce going by responses. Marriage is a partnership, always have each others back. As hard as my husband worked to provide he deserved everything, especially a good meal. His appreciation was confirmed the night I made him a steak dinner with all the fixings close to time for him to get off work. Wrapped tightly in foil to stay hot then I went back to bed. He couldn't stop talking about his feast. He had told me I took care of the house and kids. I shouldn't get up early or stay up late to cook when he could cook himself. Working hard and arriving home to a meal meant everything to him. Best part of my marriage was taking care of my family. Happier home.
This is why marriage in a certain age group isnt going to work. You just know these people are too young and immature to know what it means to be in a marriage. Entitlement? What the actual f*ck?? Yall are MARRIED. Get your greasy a*s up and make his damn lunch. Lazy a*s women and whiny men... OP should dip and kick her to the curb and his wife needs to get a grip on reality. I made my husband lunch whenever he asked. If I didnt feel like it, he would politely ask and I would get up and do it any damn way. That's what it means to really *love* someone and put them first. Not just yourself. This new-age thinking is honestly going to cause our society to go backwards.
If a mate refuses to lend a hand when another mate is down there are deeper issues. I can completely understand his view and sympathize with his plight. That’s it. She had no compassion or empathy for her mate, who clearly helps out and provides for the family. Marriage is a partnership and both mates are required to contribute to it and especially when things get rough. Her refusal to lift a finger does nothing but further damage the relationship.
I don't care what her hang ups or triggers are she could've did that one favor for you. See that could have been me because I would've just ignored her from them on.
Take away my woman card! I am soooo sick of these "stay at home wives!!" There are no kids so get off your lazy a*s and get a job! That was just so ignorant of her. It doesn't seem like a recurring thing so would it have killed her!?! NO! Instead she sat there on her phone. Probably all she does everyday. Gives the rest of us a bad name and also why so many men nowadays won't commit.
He's not TA, but it's probably not the hill to die on. Given her odd quirk about not making lunch for him, it would be better to go without and use the vending machines to "get him through the day."
Goodness, two bratty children got married. Two a***holes will get divorced.
It seems the time he spent asking her to make the lunch he could have just made it himself. But instead he let his anger at her stop him from making his own lunch, which made him angrier throughout the day at her because once he realized she did not make it, he refused to make it. Even though he stated it would have been simple to just throw some items in the bag. So he set himself up for the later argument. He is also valuing his relax time of watching television over her relax time on the sofa. And even though he says he looks at things a certain way his language points in the opposite direction because why point out that she works part time, why mention the amount of chores etc. If this isn't something you keep tally on, the response would otherwise simply be, we both work, we both do chores so this is only about the lunch.
Putting aside my opinion on if she should have done it or not, this was the second problem the guy *created for himself*. His boss already knew he would be late, but not exactly how late. It would have made no difference to take the few minutes to make his own lunch. But he left without a lunch, why? So that his wife would see him leaving without a lunch? So that he could seethe about it for days? So that he could feel like the good guy for accepting part of the responsibility, while still being angry at his wife for problems HE created? Regardless of if the wife is an AH for not doing it, OP is an AH for being mad at her because he had to go a day without a home-made lunch. (Not even without lunch! Just without a home-made one! )
This has an easy solution. You say, "No problem, I'll find a nice restaurant and get/order lunch from there ". If she gets mad that it's too expensive to eat out, that's on her.
Not making a lunch is just the head of the zit here. I do not believe that everything in their relationship is peachy with a response like hers. Either the wife is lying about her dad being a great guy and is dealing with abuse issues, or hubby has been laying on more housework on her that he 'believes' and she's sick of it. They definitely need to see a marriage counselor quickly before a child is introduced to this nonsense.
Listen, I am not one who likes to be packing lunches (when I was living with my BF at the time, we were together for almost 7yrs), my BF packed his own most of the time, but I did, from time to time get up and made his lunch especially when he was running late for work and I worked too. This woman just seems a little too entitled and a brat who just won't comprosime for her partner, even in a time of need. She needs to get over her childhood "trauma" and be more aware of her husband's needs. The man doesn't even sound like he asks her for much yet she still won't budge. He needs a whole new wife from the looks of it. If she's not willing to do this one little thing when he really needs it, what else is she not willing to do for him? Ijs
NTA for 'asking', but for being upset (still) that she didn't just do it. It is not an emergency that It is hard for you to be at work without a packed lunch. so why the 'someone needs to pack a lunch!' panic?You were going to be late--that mess you admit you made. Why request (pleaded) for a 'dealbreaker' favor? At this point it doesn't matter how little time it would take her or that she was just on her phone. How many parents do you think would have done the same thing to their child, who overslept for no good reason?
This is a mixed bag. Yes there should be exceptions to a rule, but he KNEW this was her line a d shed firmly set a boundary; he should have been prepared for the response
That's the price of being in a relationship, sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone and do things you wouldn't do.
I hope he broke up with her. I *ACTUALLY* have cptsd, and the attitude on miss ma'am absolutely appalls me. A ONE-TIME favor bothers you THAT MUCH, that you'd sit there and WATCH your partner stress and struggle? With no issue to you at all? Everyone telling this dude to grow up, and that it was his fault, is either a teenager, or hasn't been in a serious relationship in their lives.
Usually issues like that sometimes boil down to trust. She doesn’t trust you when you say just this once. You may not now trust her to come to you aid when an emergency arises. Some marriages may fall apart under stress other just get stronger. What type are f marriage is yours and how can it be made stronger as a team. No I in team is the saying.
Undecided. On one hand I have been barked at about partner being late and made lunches ect but I don't really enjoy that expectation probably because it's also not even really appreciated . I as a female have never had a man make me lunch. If I'm running late ect it doesn't even occur to me that someone owes that to me. So on one hand yes I do it for my partner myself but on the other I can kind of see her stance somewhat.
Definitely NTA. Seems as though the wife got off on watching him panic and struggle. When in a relationship, you compromise and help where you can so long as you aren't getting hurt. She could have easily helped this one time and then made it clear that she won't be doing it again. But lets be clear here, the wife cooks dinner for crying out loud, but refuses to simply make a sandwich and throw fruit and chips in a bag? Now, I'm not raining on her trauma parade but this sounds a tad bit made up 😬...so I'm not in the least bit surprised why he's still upset but he definitely needs to get over it and convey his anger to her or it'll grow.
This is honestly such a specific situation. The fact that she is so hung up on making lunches is a bit extreme. That said, I also find it really strange that everyone keeps saying it would've been just that one time, it's only that one lunch & how can she not help him when he's all stressed - this ONE time. I don't know your experiences with marriage or relationships in general, but I can tell you there have been those moments that I wished that I would have put my foot down and said no to something "just this ONCE" or "only this ONE time", because it ended up getting me stuck doing an unpleasant task on a regular basis. If you try to get out of it later, it's like well you could do it that one time, please just one more time. Guilt trips and the observation that you're obviously able to do it because you did it before - plague you. I can understand why someone might not want to do that especially if it is something that really irks them already. He easily could've grabbed something h
If he had the boundary, and the watched her struggle through the morning, sitting next to the kitchen and not helping, all the people hating on him would feel differently. The comments would largely just be calling him lazy trash (instead of intimation that this is somehow a power move to manipulate her or something). This is a situation about a real couple and should be treated irrespective of the general feeling people have for the opposite gender. This guy asked for help once and there are a surprising number of comments that are basically "since all men are manipulative, trash babies she would be making his lunch every day by the end of the week". When I occasionally need help with something, my wife helps me. I thank her and she knows that I would, and do, do the same. That is what being in a marriage is about.
What planet are the YTA people on. Get a grip - so what if it's his fault he overload SHES HIS WIFE and meant to be a partner. I wouldn't even think twice I'd do it to help him because he's my husband and I love him. Like seriously not even any trauma and just sat there when he's struggling. F*** off. It's so snide and ridiculous you won't help your partner because that's a BoUnDARy it's just a stupid idea she's got up her a** and to just sit there while he stressed. Do one
So he: knows she has a hangup about packing lunches after watching spousal abuse at home. But: expects that she will do it anyway when it suits him. That expectation is exactly the problem and I respect her standing her ground.
This is rubbish...you could have just bought lunch at work then ask for her to prep lunch and anyway sonce you say it's just a sandwich,fruits and some soda,you can piece it together in like whut 5min?do it urself then.at that time you binge watch stuff you could've prep stuff for the next day. You know she dun like the idea of prepping lunch,you shouldn't be getting her to do it.
People keep saying this - but sandos are my fav, and a second day sando goes in the trash IMO, so this solution is not viable, ever....
Load More Replies... After reading his last edit he was desperate to be told he was right and his wife was in the wrong. It's worrying that he still can't get over it and feels anger whenever he looks at his wife. He doesn't mention getting in trouble at work and if it's a one time thing I don't get why he is so upset. I wonder how much he really does around the house.
Hahah I caught that too.. It did seem desperate. Why would it matter how much house work either does or when he had mentioned the job situation? It honestly read like a script... Almost a narcissistic person making sure they seem innocent. Interesting. He has probably demanded her to make him a sandwich before.
Load More Replies... You should never be with someone who punishes you for the sins of other people.
shes a wife to a fully grown adult not a mother to a child, his fault for not setting his lunch up the night before and oversleeping, did she tell him the night before "go to bed or you'll end up not waking up in time?" yes it would've been nice to help and if i wasnt busy i wouldve set the lunch up if i was in her shoes AFTER reminding him that im not his slave and would like him to try asking nicely while using the word "please" but his wife said that it isnt something she was comfortable with doing
How does the relationship last even a week? Surely he knew what she was like before marriage so he could walk away from such a selfish arsehole
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I don't normally comment on this sort of stuff, but as usual, we're focussed on the situation and not what the guy is actually asking help with. He says he's still angry. Now, anger is a secondary emotion. My guess is that he's feeling like his wife cares more about a seemingly archaic boundary than him (which, of course, is not archaic to her). What he's actually looking for is reassurance from his spouse that she loves and cares for him despite holding her boundaries. The advice he needs is how to navigate an emotionally charged conversation with his wife about feeling like he matters. But this constantly becomes the problem. Men who open up and search for emotional help are given 'logic' or 'blame game' comments that don't help anybody. The emotional game is hard for men who are told to have only 2 emotions (happy and angry) and we're met with the terrible rhetoric in these comments if we try. How does a man have this sort of conversation when this is the response?
Wow…. She’s not a very good partner at all! How childish to sit there and play games on your phone while your partner is stressing out and late for work when you could’ve easily made a sandwich for him and threw in a fruit and a couple drinks… You guys won’t be married long sorry for the harsh reality.
I feel bad for this man. We expect our partners to help us in times of need - that is what a team is. She is petty and childish, unwilling to resolve her childhood issues. NTA.
I don't get this at all. They're both TA. He knew how she felt about making lunches, and that her dad felt entitled to have his wife make his lunch. He repeated the entitlement by telling her she needed to make his lunch for him. He felt entitled to a lunch packed by his wife because he messed up and was running late? That's bs. She knew he was running late. According to OP, he knows her hang-up over making lunches, and has never asked before. She could've made the lunch just this once and told him it was a one time deal. But seriously, to still be mad over it? OP, you TOLD her you needed her to make your lunch, and were very specific on what you wanted. That's an AH. You didn't ask. OP wife, you were literally doing nothing. He did eventually say please. You still couldn't help? You sound more like roommates than partners. Good luck in your marriage, you're going to need it. Especially if it's still angering you.
This guy really doesn’t understand what childhood trauma is lol. I have good memories with my father, but that doesn’t mean I don’t shy away whenever someone raises their voice at me
I always packed my own lunch. Problem solved. Never once asked my wife to pack my lunch. However if I would have asked her I am sure she would not have made it a big deal.
Every relationship has its own things going on. My mum made lunch for my dad every day until for fanatical reasons she had to work a lot more hours, it then became my job. The OP's wife might find that treating the women like servants, I just thought it was part of family life. Now I make lunch for my husband, usually I don't think about it. Once in a while, I stay up too late playing games, and have to charge around in the morning trying to be on time - on those days, my husband tuts at my not going to bed on time, but he makes both our lunches and warms up my car.
Run! Run! Run! Brother you better off alone!!!!! Thats not a nice person to be around. Stop buying love!
This is so fascinating, I'm impressed by how much of Reddit says YTA to this and the majority on bored panda are the opposite. A lot of the commenters are quite insensitive though. The situation clearly an issue stemming from both sides, they're both in the wrong. No need to downplay one with such toxicity just to agree with the other.
Wow my two cents, Dude if your that upset leave or talk about it with her avoiding an argument if possible ( doubt it) and if she hits with the boundary get out of that ship, My reason for that is simple, one hand should wash the over specially in stressful situations. My partner hates throw up and has made the remark of never helping me if I ever started to throw up, but when I was really sick guess who helped me and yes there was some complaining but she sucked it up. Now I have been in plenty of situations where I had to help her and did I really want to do those things no but I did. Now I was really sick for about a week but to be truthful if she didn't help at that time I would have been looking at things different and probably would not have married her. I would not be with someone who couldn't love me and take care of me knowing I would do the same for her. At that point you will feel like your putting more in then them and it will slowly Gnaw at you
Everyone that tells this man YTA then your just petty as f**k and never want to help no one
She needs psychological help and you need to set two alarm clocks and learn to count on no one
Unreal. But a guy is just expected to do all that and more just because. Oh. And pay all the bills and fund your entire lifestyle. Work all week 12+ hours a day. Only to be told you don't do enough around the house like. Sorry. I am the only reason there IS a f*****g house but. Sure. Lol. 🤡🤡🤡🤡. The entitlement of toxic women today is in unreal.
I’m a woman but totally agree with you. I would recommend young men to remain single. People really acting as if that woman survived horrific abuse or something 😂 Pretty sure more ‘trauma’s’ will come up once they have children. He should divorce her as she is a partner. This goes wat deeper than the lunch situation…he cannot count on her in stressful situations and that is a huge red flag.
Load More Replies... I think they're both at fault. She could have helped him out, knowing he was running late. I wouldn't have hesitated for my husband, he wouldn't have even had to ask, I would have offered. My husband asks for what he needs, never demands because he knows what my reaction will be. Almost identical to hers. All the husband had to do was run upstairs say "I just woke up, I'm gonna be late for work. I know you have an issue with making lunches but I would really, REALLY appreciate if you could throw a little something together for me. PLEASE." And maybe offer to take her out to a special dinner that night to show his appreciation. My guy and I have been together for almost 20 years and he thanks me for doing laundry and dishes (I find both relaxing). She wasn't being petty, she was sticking to her guns. If the roles were reversed, men would be giving him high fives.
While definitely NTA, I feel like these things really need to be dealt with before tying the knot, no matter him trivial it seems at the time🤦🏽♀️ and let's be honest, if roles were reverse, y'all would have called him misogynist and privilege. Although I don't like he didn't technically ask( what is with that, people telling rather than asking?) I understand it was a time sensitive situation. I also understand this was fault of his own. Yet that's what marriage is about, sometimes stepping in when our partner needs even if it's their own mistake. Obviously this "boundary" is a semi traumatic association that needs to be dealt with. Does his laundry and makes dinner and yet packing lunch symbolizes servitude? Significantly less effort than the former yet major issue.
It's lunch it's not that serious! , couldn't he call grubhub , Door dash or Uber eats? His wife told him well in advance that due to her own creepy childhood psychological issues she wasn't going to pack his lunch! And she did not... Though I would like to side with her I cannot. She is letting her past experience mess with her relationship , she cannot let go of the past ! Major red flags there !!! She Needs therapy !
How old are these people? What kind of marriages are these were I'm seeing people post about terms set. Marriage is give and take. Ups and downs. I was beat all the time by my mom. I would absolutely never use that against anyone I was dating or married to.
Marriage is about teamwork. You were in play and needed your wife’s support while she was on the sideline. You would have supported her if the opposite were the case. Sad your wife could not see it that way.
Reddit will be Reddit. And Reddit is filled with brainless idiots. Lmao The guy wasn't asking for a full lunch every day. And the wife isn't even against making food for the guy as evidence by her cooking dinners. If this was a regular thing, him sleeping in, rushing, and asking for her to make him lunch, then if say he's definitely TA. But this doesn't seem to be the case. The wife needs therapy. As for the fight... The guy needs to get over it. He handled it poorly too. The conversation should have been too understand each other's (valid) points and to figure out a way to have better helper each other - maybe the wife could've started his lunch and he could toss the last few things in - she didn't do the full making and packing of the lunch, and three husband would still save some time getting out the door.
She can have petty boundaries by herself. I can't imagine watching someone I love struggling when I could help. I'd be cancelling that contact. This shows deeper issues.
Y'all are acting like this man will starve without lunch. This is a very strange hill to die on. So what he slept in? So what his wife has issues with making him lunch? It's not that serious in any way, shape, or form. Just talk about it then move on, not argue for days and reevaluate your marriage
YTA. Not for hoping your wife might pack you a lunch because you were running late, but for the combined phasing of the request (demanding "I need you to" rather than asking nicely - the please was an afterthought), the snarky "Really? Were you too busy?" when you found your lunch cooler empty (she'd already said no), and for not getting over it before you got home still pissed off leading to a fight; you are an adult, you knew she had a boundary, and you could probably have grabbed yourself bottles of drinks, chips and fruit quite quickly (even if you didn't want to lose more time making a sandwich) so you could have been less reliant on vending machines during the day.
Your wife set a hard boundary with you. It was something that was important to her for her dignity and self respect. Instead of finding other solutions (even inconvenient ones) you expected her to cross that boundary for your convenience. That's what this boils down to. Yes, you are very much the AH here. Men always think womens' concerns are small. The fact that you don't think this is a big deal doesn't make that true. Learn to respect that this is one thing your wife will not do for men and find other solutions when lunch doesn't go as planned.
It's not that shocking. Feminism has taught girls/women that doing anything for their partner or spouse is throwing them back to the 1950s. Cooking, cleaning, making a lunch, etc. I am a woman who has been married for 25 years. You are supposed to be a team, and being part of a team is helping each other out when needed. She is the a-hole in this case and he has a right to be hurt or angry.
His edit about how the wife can't have a childhood trauma because her father is a decent guy is telling that this man doesn't know how childhood trauma works
It's time for him to remember some of his child trauma's... You know re-equalize the relationship...
Load More Replies... Actually they both seem pretty immature in the situation. A lot patience and consideration by both parties will help them in the future.
I think your understanding of a relationship is messed up. One that will never grow to prosper is one based on blame, and hate, and lack of Cooperation. You Jordi are the AH and should look at how you live your life for further errors.
Load More Replies... BIG BIG BIG NTA WTF is wrong with people here?! What boundary?! She was not molested or beaten or something terrible that you asked her to do so she could recreate trauma in her mind. It's a lunch?! She was free, she was going through her phone the whole time and you don't insist on that on a daily basis, it was this time... She should be ashamed, marriage is all about support and respect for the both sides
I think the wife is TA. I had an actual serious issue with packing lunches due to childhood situations. And my husband was not good at packing lunches. He made great coffee though. So intern for his making my coffee in the morning, I packed his lunches and did not feel abused. Marriage is about caring for one another, and the wife knowing that this was an emergency was being a complete jerk.They may need marriage counseling to get through this.
he is definitely nta. this type of disagreement is the litmus test for the type of marriage and spouse he has to deal with. now is definitely the time to state the "boundary" that he's not making kids' lunches and then let it go. the level of blasé she was while he was was freaking out... this isn't about her "boundary". this is about his job, promotions, income and even keeping that job. my mr would not have even asked and I would have been at the door with his lunch and coffee (even if I disliked doing it)
How pathetic can you be? I would pack my partners lunch just because I appreciate her. There is a difference between being a servant and wanting to do things for those you love. It's all about the expectations. Once you expect something of someone, that's when it becomes a chore. I do all things for myself and expect nothing from anyone and for this reason I appreciate anything anyone does for me. You all imprison yourselves with all of these expectations.
Your wife is petty ad. It doesn't make her your slave to help you when you've made a mistake. She's really selfish
YNTA I have issues from my upbringing too, but if my husband was in a jam, I would help him out. Sitting there on the phone while your spouse struggles is a d**k move.
Wow, it was ONE favor. Yes, his fault for staying up late and scrambling but it's not something the always do for him. And yes I am a woman who believes that my husband has hands and can and should help himself. If he calls me from work and ask a favor, especially a one time thing, I'll do it. She's a b!tch.
Wife is being totally and completely selfish. You asked 1 time for a very small favor. Her sense of entitlement with "its not my job" is infuriating. If this is her attitude then you should give her back what she gave you. Refuse any small favors she asks. Her tune will change quick.
Yeah, assuming that he asked in a polite way under the circumstances, then NTA. While relationships definitely function better with understanding and mutual respect for boundaries, everyone needs to know that their partner will be there for them when it matters. What if her boundary were she doesn't run errands for him. And one day he calls her from work and says, "I'm being held hostage and I need you to run to the bank for me and get a thousand dollars or they'll shoot me". And she was like, sorry not sorry but you know I don't run errands. She should seek therapy and talk to her husband about it and not let her relationship suffer because she needs to punish her father by proxy.
NTA. OP knew her boundaries from the very beginning, so there's no real point getting upset about it now. But it wouldn't hurt for her to make his lunch when he needs the extra help. I have some mental issues so I live with my grandma, I always pack her two Pepsi's and a couple snacks. I mean she did it for me growing up so why not. It doesn't take much to be nice.
I'm wondering how she'll react further down the line in life, when maybe her husband will need help with other things as well, or vice-versa. Some people really aren't made to be life partners and that should be perfectly fine, just know thyself, own yourself and don't become a burden for others. In this case I'd think the husband is definitely NTA. I would've helped a stranger in a time pinch, let alone my life partner.
This is why you don't marry selfish people. Marriage is a partnership where we should both want the best for each other. Serving your spouse is not being a "servant". Would she have reacted the same to a friend asking her for a favor? Please don't have children!!!!
If i love my husband, i can forget about everything and will do everything to help him out. It takes two to tango. Give and take.
Divorce her fast . It will get worse down the road. Based on 26+ years if this and realized it gotten worse.
NTA!!! But his issue is not really about food. It is he realizes he can not count on her in an emergency. She won't bend on something trivial when he needed her on an exception not all the time. She showed a big character flaw and now he is considering what else may arise in the future.
If we're not in a marriage to help each other when needed, then what are we there for? If you love someone, you help them out. I'd have been late for work several times over the years because I forgot I needed gas, but my hubby always got it for me if I asked...grumblingly...but he did it. Also, he's been the shovel beneath my wheels on many snow days! I packed his lunch every day until he retired, and I loved that his co-workers were jealous of his huge, delicious sandwiches! I get it about his wife feeling like she does about making sandwiches when she felt like her mom's efforts weren't appreciated, but using the term boundaries to describe this is comical. Only if she was being pressured to make sandwiches could you use the term boundaries. And those talking about boundaries and trust issues?? I think this husband is the one who will have trust issues now because the person he believed he could count on let him down, and seemed to take pleasure in doing it. I'd be angry!
I'm definitely on the husband's side. In my opinion she just showed you that if "the s**t" ever goes down that you can not depend on her. I don't know about you, for me that's a deal breaker.
NTA. People are people and they oversleep sometimes. The best about a healthy relationship is being able to rely on someone for the good and the bad. The wife is the ahole here. Crazy weird boundary that most certainly could be put aside this once. I get why he is angry. It's the contempt, the lack of empathy and partnership. Not good things on the long run
I can not believe what I just read. To everyone who is saying he is TA and that his wife was totally in the right you guys have some very serious issues or are very immature about things and if you are a married person saying things like that I bet your partner/spouse is very unhappy. Anyways imo the wife should have happily made him a lunch for one she is his wife and she wasn't busy she was just being rude imo and I do understand that he could have got something on the way but what if money was tight then that would mean he couldn't afford to go somewhere to buy lunch out so I think the wife could have helped her husband I mean how would she feel if it were the other way around and she asked him for help or something and he said NO wouldn't she be upset
Definitely not the ahole. Its not an everyday thing. Its a one off. If my spouse was running late, you know, putting money on the table, id for sure make them lunch. Its the kind thing to do and I mean heck. I hope its the person you live. Im sure he would do the same if roles were reversed.
This clearly shows an immature mindset. It was his fault, but shouldn't partner's help each other inspite of who happens to be in the wrong on whatever arbitrary day? If the scenario was the other way around I know some of the responses would be different. If I have a childish hang up, society will tell me to "grow a pair", why can't she? Is it because she's a woman? She has the same ability to take accountability and support the person who is contributing to the household. Marriage should not be 50/50, but 100/100 to even have a chance of working. Utter foolishness.
Not TA at all... next level pettiness to say the least. Her carrying that toxic mindset into her own marriage of packing lunches is awful. Why not do for each other and be grateful that you can do those things for your partner? Insert a love note and tell them you love them... help each other out and leave what you saw in your parent's marriage out of yours imo... Make new rules together and work together to make sure you're both on the same page... I'm not married but if I ever was blessed to be, I'd love to make my Husband's lunches!
Can I just say NTA here your wife only dislikes. It because her mother's partner was entitled about it sheesh and he hasn't asked her before and respected that's just dum he said he needed it and owns to the mistake people are petty these days sheesh 🙄.
This guy is NTA. Like most people stated, marriage is a partnership, and she showed you how much she'd rather avoid helping than committing to the partnership of marriage. I'm not married because I know this is what I'll end up getting from it. Save yourself the stress don't get married guys until posts like these disappear from the internet for at least 20 years.
She's not mature enough for marriage and doesn't understand that marriage is all about helping eachother When In Need, ex-wife her.
A truly caring spouse would have helped her husband out. Aren't you supposed to be PARTNERS? Boundaries that create unnecessary difficulty should be examined. There is more to this story. Is wife being passive aggressive because husband continually breaks boundaries? Is wife unhappy? Therapy time folks... GL
ITS....A... FRIGGIN...LUNCH... It wasn't like he was asking her to iron his shirt and use starch, running out in the winter and start his car to warm up, or shine his dang shoes... She was being a moron about it, and he was a goob for oversleeping over a show... SHE needs to check her entitlement. It takes 3 minutes to pack a dang lunch. ESPECIALLY since she knew he was running behind. I make my hubby his lunches.. If I forget for whatever reason, he works on the army base here, he will get it together and not be mad.. My god, they need to get it together and that chick needs to stop her mess. My hubby hates yardwork, but he weedeats. I hate doing somethings myself, but we do them. We argue at times, but its never over something as stupid as me thinking I am too entitled to pack a lunch for cripes sake... the OP is NTA, but legit him and his wife need help... mainly her, but jeez
I have always made my husband's lunch because he works late at night over 10 hours a day. My daughters don't do this for their husband's. My husband will bring breakfast or take me out or help me out at making breakfast. When I was in the hospital he was always there even sleeping in those uncomfortable chairs before going to work his shift. We do for each other. I was the oldest in my family and responsible for my siblings and the housework including making sure supper was ready. I knew my parents work hard but on the weekends we went out and my parents made sure we had fun. Marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. I LOVE my husband. I don't like seeing him stressed out. If you can see them struggling and choose to not help, then you need to re-evaluate your partnership. Boundaries are set on how you handle a argument or you do not lay hands on one another or not to invite this person because of conflict etc. The argument was petty and she was petty in making it her hill to die on.
She's a narcissist, period, point blank! Partnership includes sacrifice as well as understanding!! At least he got to see that side.... it's all in the learning process! Karma exists!!
I'm trying to understand her particular boundary. My wife (f) and I just celebrated our 35th Anniversary. Through all of our years together we have never put "boundaries" before one another. Of course there are limits to certain things, but nothing so ridiculous, and obviously needed. Especially, something so simple. Though he knew and accepted her terms, her love for him should have exceeded her hang up. I can't imagine having such stupid hang up cause me to set myself up for a possible grief and disappointment in myself that I cant ever take back. Imagine her husband passed away and her looking back at that moment.
Stop with the BS. Marriage is a teamwork thing. She wasnt busy and it would have taken her all of 5 minutes to help him out. What the wife doesnt realise is that her husband is not like her father and im sure hubby would have appreciated it. So unless her father come over and demands she make him lunch, she needs to get over that bs. F*****g Millennials.
Tough one..I don't think it is about the lunch, not really. He felt as though when he needed her help she blew him off. Self inflicted or not when we ask our partners for help and get refused it is real dismissive and can plant a seed of resentment that will just grow and grow. If she won't help with little needs what is gonna happen when a big one arises. She gonna bail on that too? Just a guess to what he may be thinking. I wake up at 3am to make my husband's lunch. He works a dangerous job and I want him well rested so he can be safer. I also don't work and this is my contribution. We have been together 23 years and I have been a sahm for 4 years. Prior to kids oir division of work was much different. A marriage should be able to evolve as life comes. Help each other out. Be kind
Seriously. I would have no problem making a quick lunch for my husband.
Wow these comments are exactly why people need to learn the meaning behind words based in psychology before just throwing them around. And just because something is a boundary for someone, that doesn't make it a requirement for everyone to drop everything for it all the time. Boundary setting has consequences, and if they are crossed too many times then reevaluation comes in (of the relationship, the boundary, the reason for the boundary, etc.). I am so glad many of you do not find yourselves in D/s relationships, on both sides of this argument. (I do not even come close to my sub's boundary points on purpose, and if something happens we process both separately and (if they feel the need) together so that I can do better and our relationship and dynamic can continue growing from that point)
All i see here is a husband make a mistake then ask his wife if she could do him a favor just this once. The wife say no, she would rather sit on the couch playing on her phone then help out her man that is running late. What kind of relationship is that, is one thing if the wife is busy with work or taking care of the kids and stuff. But no she is doing nothing but playing on her phone.
Bar none, she was a b***h. I don't care about what she "feels" like. You're in a relationship and this is what you do. Stop being a lazy c*nt.
When a man and woman marry, they are no longer two, but one. There are no more boundaries. They are supposed to give themselves completely to each other. Therefore the wife is 100 percent wrong. However,the husband is also wrong because he should have been more considerate of her weakness and not have asked for her help, even though he considered this to be a special circumstance. With an understanding husband, a wife with external hangups may be able to overcome them, and vice-versa.
I am constantly told do not fight fire with fire but for me karma.... my turn will come premeditated though it may be but I wait... next month ... next year .... just you know never slip up ... this sounds mean but so was that.
Nah I think she was being a brat. I would be pissed too. Her nonchalance is ironically no different tonher dad's. He didnt recognize hus wige's efforts, and now your wife didnt recognize your need for help in a one off situation. But, I think more than pissed you're hurt. Which is fair. Is this where you drae the line? What would happen if it was a more serious situation? Would you leave me hanging then too? .
You are a good husband, but your wife should have been more considered about the situation and packed a lunch. We all have a bad day.
Narcissistic is what she is!! Sacrifice is included in partnerships!! Karma is still king!
Wow so NTAH she may need to talk to someone about her hang up over lunch. Maybe he should say I am hing up on my dad paying the bills. I am gonna need you to work full time and pay for half of everything. B**** need to get over herself. Helping you partner out is part of the contract really. Ppl over sleep it happens. Was she awake listening to your alarm go off. I am confused on that part. My husband and I both set alarms to male sure we are up. Yall need counseling or divorce.
Your spouse needs you, you be there. I had to do a lot of things when I got married that I said that I would never do, and not to be morbid, but what if something had happened to her husband, and her last memory was choosing not to pack him a quick lunch as her hill to die on? He owned what he did, and she behaved like a brat, and just scrolled through her phone, when a quick lunch would've taken 5 minutes to make, and then tell him that he owes her a dinner date, because he knows that she doesn't like doing that. It would've meant the world to him if she set this one boundary aside, and made him his lunch. After this, they could both agree to make lunches the night before.
Divorce the b***h or tell her to pay half the bills treat her like a roommate instead of a wife
Sure, maybe her boundary enforcement was a little hardline but his getting actually bent out of shape and picking a fight was the a*****e move. I don't think her intention was to provoke or incite his rage but he did choose to hang onto it and rage out over it. I think a better way to handle it would have been to brush it off. You don't always get your way. My partner has a hard boundary that he won't do any form of food prep ever in his entire existence. I know that so I don't ask. I just cook for him sometimes and let him balance it by picking up the check when we go out.
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