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Wife Is Sick And Tired Of Husband Serving Dinner As Soon As She Walks Through The Door
Marriage is all about mutual respect and open communication. However, when Reddit user and wife Mango_Rita4 told her husband that she wanted him to stop serving her dinner the moment she came back from work, he took it personally.
In a post on the subreddit ‘Am I the [Jerk]?‘, the woman explained that she would rather recharge first, but her partner got the impression that she was being ungrateful, and the two of them got into a fight over it.
Finding common ground is crucial for Mango_Rita4, so she described the situation to the members of the online community, asking them to help her navigate it.
RELATED:
Balancing individual needs and shared responsibilities in a marriage can be challenging
Image credits: Iakobchuk / Envato (not the actual photo)
Which is what this woman realized when she explained to her partner that she desires a short post-work decompression period
Image credits: 1footage / Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Mango_Rita4
It sounds like the couple might need to listen to each other a little bit more actively
Image credits: Kenny Eliason / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
According to licensed marriage and family therapists Derek Schoffstall and Caralyne Schoffstall, co-owners of Arrival Counseling Service and partners in everything, balancing personal needs with those of your relationship can, indeed, be a tough act.
“Personal needs within a partnership are unique to each person,” Derek and Caralyne highlighted. “These can range from the desire to feel loved, respected, appreciated, and supported, to understanding each other’s values and aspirations.”
“Conversely, relationship needs encapsulate what’s required collectively for a strong partnership. These include trust, mutual respect, open dialogue, empathy, and shared goals and values,” the therapists explained. “Interestingly, a readiness to compromise and work together towards mutual goals forms a core part of these needs. Furthermore, relationships thrive on emotional support, intimacy, and affection.”
The fact that the Redditor’s husband is willing to cook her dinner demonstrates his interest in her personal needs, like feeling cared for and attended to. However, the current dynamic is clearly creating friction. Luckily, their disagreement sounds like one that can be resolved through compromise, and the two of them could actually come out from this with a renewed appreciation for each other.
“Effective communication not only strengthens the bond between individuals but also helps in better understanding and resolving conflicts,” Derek and Caralyne said. “When it comes to compromising, it’s crucial to convey your thoughts and feelings assertively yet respectfully without attacking the other person … it is equally important to listen to the other person’s viewpoint with an open mind and consider their feelings. If you wish to ensure a favorable outcome when trying to come to a compromise, prioritize active listening first.”
As her story went viral, the woman provided more context in the comments
The majority of people who read her post think that she did nothing wrong
While some believe that both the woman and her husband are to blame
A few, on the other hand, accused her of poor judgment
Some folks also shared their own similar experiences
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What do you think ?
MiriPanda 1 year ago
I can easily imagine that he is jealous of her decompressing time, if (!) he isn't getting any of that for himself. Work starts at 6am, coming home shortly after 3pm, perhaps picking up the kids from school or kindergarten? Then I could understand his frustration. Anyways, he must let her go to the bathroom and change out of her business clothes at least.
Luiza NP 1 year ago
Exactly. Sorry, working parents dont really get to "decompress". I would be angry at my husband if he arrived home and wanted to do nothing for 30 minutes. She does have to be able to change clothes and go to the restroom, though.
Load More Replies...
The Starsong Princess 1 year ago (edited)
Esh. Split the difference and eat 15 mins after she gets home. She does need time to change but shouldn’t be keeping everyone else waiting any longer than that. He shouldn’t be dealing with dinner and hungry kids while she relaxes but he needs to take unplanned delays with good grace.
Karen Philpott 1 year ago
Feed the kids earlier with snacks so they're not 'starving'.
Load More Replies...
Steve Dowell 1 year ago
In my opinion, she is NTA, but neither is he an A here. Something else is going on here. Also, the kids eat when the kids eat. It is absolutely wrong of her to say (oh, they can just have a snack). Growing up, my Mom would stick my Dad's dinner in the oven if he was going to be home late (which he often was because DC traffic suuuucccckkkkks). That way the rest of us could eat at the normal time, and he'd still get a hot, home cooked dinner. Also, 5:30 is not to early to eat dinner, especially for kids or for someone who works an earlier schedule. If his work is from 6 to 3, he's likely getting up to get ready at 4:30, and would definitely want to be done with the day by 5:30. So, I can't fault him for cooking earlier. Something else is going on, and with out more of the story or hearing his side, you can't really judge here. But if it's the whole dinner time thing, neither are really AH.
Karen Philpott 1 year ago
He could snack too if he's really hungry. 5.15 is way too early unless there are other activities like dance or sport later in the evening and they wish to have dinner done beforehand.
Load More Replies...
R Dennis 1 year ago
5:15 seems awful early for dinner... but we never had a set mealtime - sometimes 6pm, sometimes as late as 8pm. Either way, I can't imagine not giving someone time to acclimate. My wife's job is wfh (I'm medically retired) and when she is done, I leave her tf alone for an hour or so... when I was a sahd for six months, the only thing she ever had waiting for her when she came in was an occasional glass of wine or cocktail when I knew she'd had a long day.
Phil Vaive 1 year ago
I think there's, as usual, not enough info here. We don't know how she said it, we don't know if HE gets time to decompress the way she wants to after his work, and we don't know their history. I always assume these are written from an unreliable narrator's point of view - the writer will pretty much always make themselves sound better
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
The YTAs are unhinged. Requesting for 30 mins before eating to change and unwind when you get home isn't remotely a ridiculous request nor does it mean she's ungrateful. Anyone coming to that conclusion from this is f*****g ridiculous and says more about that person that it does OP. These are the same type of people who do something "nice" for someone when they weren't asked to and then feel they're owed the world because of it. There's obviously something more going on here and the husband took it upon himself to make dinner, which OP appreciates, but also expects to control every aspect of it including requiring it to start at 5pm? And if you'd like to make a reasonable change or get delayed, then you're blasted as ungrateful? And YTAs think this is completely okay? LMAO
Luiza NP 1 year ago
The problem is demanding time to "decompress" while he worked nonstop during the entre day and still be working while she is relaxing. Of course she should be able to change and go to the toilet, but that's it. They have two kids and one of them is a 3 year old. 3yos dont really allow any break from their caregivers unless they are asleep.
Load More Replies...
Ron Baza 1 year ago
Is nobody else going to comment that putting a 3-year-old to bed at 9pm is very late?
MR 1 year ago
I'm baffled by those who think she's the AH. 5:15 is incredibly early for dinner. Most people don't get off work before 5pm and some later. And an expectation that she get off, on time, and immediately get home to dinner is just ridiculous. Have dinner at 6pm, given her time to get home and for the two of you to spend a little time together first.
Phil Vaive 1 year ago
She also said that he works from 6am until 3 pm, and then takes care of the kids afterwards. For him, having dinner at 6 is the same as having it at 9:00 pm for those who work 9-5.
Load More Replies...
JLo 1 year ago
You already told him what you need. Now let it go. If your plate is on the table, ignore it. Go clean up and change, take 15 min or whatever. Then come to the table and pop your plate in the microwave. Don't say anything. If he complains, tell him you had to change clothes first. If everyone is sitting at the table waiting for you, let them. Once the kids start whining when they have to wait, maybe he will get a clue. If everyone has already started eating, then accept that. If he threatens to stop making dinner, then so be it. You can put something in the microwave for the kids. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal.
InfiniteZeek 1 year ago
The only thing my wife and I have a rule about when either of us gets home, is we immediately hug. After that, we both know the other person needs decompression time.
MiriPanda 1 year ago
I can easily imagine that he is jealous of her decompressing time, if (!) he isn't getting any of that for himself. Work starts at 6am, coming home shortly after 3pm, perhaps picking up the kids from school or kindergarten? Then I could understand his frustration. Anyways, he must let her go to the bathroom and change out of her business clothes at least.
Luiza NP 1 year ago
Exactly. Sorry, working parents dont really get to "decompress". I would be angry at my husband if he arrived home and wanted to do nothing for 30 minutes. She does have to be able to change clothes and go to the restroom, though.
Load More Replies... The Starsong Princess 1 year ago (edited)
Esh. Split the difference and eat 15 mins after she gets home. She does need time to change but shouldn’t be keeping everyone else waiting any longer than that. He shouldn’t be dealing with dinner and hungry kids while she relaxes but he needs to take unplanned delays with good grace.
Karen Philpott 1 year ago
Feed the kids earlier with snacks so they're not 'starving'.
Load More Replies... Steve Dowell 1 year ago
In my opinion, she is NTA, but neither is he an A here. Something else is going on here. Also, the kids eat when the kids eat. It is absolutely wrong of her to say (oh, they can just have a snack). Growing up, my Mom would stick my Dad's dinner in the oven if he was going to be home late (which he often was because DC traffic suuuucccckkkkks). That way the rest of us could eat at the normal time, and he'd still get a hot, home cooked dinner. Also, 5:30 is not to early to eat dinner, especially for kids or for someone who works an earlier schedule. If his work is from 6 to 3, he's likely getting up to get ready at 4:30, and would definitely want to be done with the day by 5:30. So, I can't fault him for cooking earlier. Something else is going on, and with out more of the story or hearing his side, you can't really judge here. But if it's the whole dinner time thing, neither are really AH.
Karen Philpott 1 year ago
He could snack too if he's really hungry. 5.15 is way too early unless there are other activities like dance or sport later in the evening and they wish to have dinner done beforehand.
Load More Replies... R Dennis 1 year ago
5:15 seems awful early for dinner... but we never had a set mealtime - sometimes 6pm, sometimes as late as 8pm. Either way, I can't imagine not giving someone time to acclimate. My wife's job is wfh (I'm medically retired) and when she is done, I leave her tf alone for an hour or so... when I was a sahd for six months, the only thing she ever had waiting for her when she came in was an occasional glass of wine or cocktail when I knew she'd had a long day.
Phil Vaive 1 year ago
I think there's, as usual, not enough info here. We don't know how she said it, we don't know if HE gets time to decompress the way she wants to after his work, and we don't know their history. I always assume these are written from an unreliable narrator's point of view - the writer will pretty much always make themselves sound better
JayWantsACat 1 year ago
The YTAs are unhinged. Requesting for 30 mins before eating to change and unwind when you get home isn't remotely a ridiculous request nor does it mean she's ungrateful. Anyone coming to that conclusion from this is f*****g ridiculous and says more about that person that it does OP. These are the same type of people who do something "nice" for someone when they weren't asked to and then feel they're owed the world because of it. There's obviously something more going on here and the husband took it upon himself to make dinner, which OP appreciates, but also expects to control every aspect of it including requiring it to start at 5pm? And if you'd like to make a reasonable change or get delayed, then you're blasted as ungrateful? And YTAs think this is completely okay? LMAO
Luiza NP 1 year ago
The problem is demanding time to "decompress" while he worked nonstop during the entre day and still be working while she is relaxing. Of course she should be able to change and go to the toilet, but that's it. They have two kids and one of them is a 3 year old. 3yos dont really allow any break from their caregivers unless they are asleep.
Load More Replies... Ron Baza 1 year ago
Is nobody else going to comment that putting a 3-year-old to bed at 9pm is very late?
MR 1 year ago
I'm baffled by those who think she's the AH. 5:15 is incredibly early for dinner. Most people don't get off work before 5pm and some later. And an expectation that she get off, on time, and immediately get home to dinner is just ridiculous. Have dinner at 6pm, given her time to get home and for the two of you to spend a little time together first.
Phil Vaive 1 year ago
She also said that he works from 6am until 3 pm, and then takes care of the kids afterwards. For him, having dinner at 6 is the same as having it at 9:00 pm for those who work 9-5.
Load More Replies... JLo 1 year ago
You already told him what you need. Now let it go. If your plate is on the table, ignore it. Go clean up and change, take 15 min or whatever. Then come to the table and pop your plate in the microwave. Don't say anything. If he complains, tell him you had to change clothes first. If everyone is sitting at the table waiting for you, let them. Once the kids start whining when they have to wait, maybe he will get a clue. If everyone has already started eating, then accept that. If he threatens to stop making dinner, then so be it. You can put something in the microwave for the kids. It doesn't have to be a gourmet meal.
InfiniteZeek 1 year ago
The only thing my wife and I have a rule about when either of us gets home, is we immediately hug. After that, we both know the other person needs decompression time.
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