Woman Never Gets Invited To Husband’s Family Dinners, Decided To Crash One And They Were Not Happy About It
A new entry to the famous “Am I The A***ole?” subreddit has gone viral and reignited the age-old discussion about what is and isn’t normal when it comes to in-law relationships.
A 32-year-old woman who goes online by the nickname RestaurantCrasher wanted to know if she acted like a jerk when she, in response to her husband not inviting her to his family dinner, booked a table at the same place and presented herself to the whole bunch when passing by on her way to the toilet.
Continue scrolling to check out RestaurantCrasher’s account of the whole ordeal and let us know what you think of her actions in the comments.
One woman got so sick and tired of her husband going out with his family and leaving her behind that she decided to crash their dinner
Image credits: Davey Gravy (not the actual photo)
However, her partner and in-laws all got mad at her and now she’s wondering if it was a mistake
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION (not the actual photo)
Image credits: restaurantcrasher
The details aside, it’s a good thing that RestaurantCrasher addressed the issue. Whatever relationship you have with your in-laws, it can have lasting effects on your own romantic life. According to research, it can even predict your odds of staying together in the long run.
Conducting one study, Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again, followed 373 couples who were newlyweds in 1986. She asked the men and women to rate how close they felt to their in-laws, on a scale of 1-to-4, and then tracked their relationships over time.
After 26 years, Orbuch discovered that when a man reported having a close relationship with his wife’s parents, the couple’s risk of divorce decreased by 20%. However, women who said they had a close relationship with their husbands’ parents saw their risk of divorce rise by 20%.
It might sound surprising at first but when you think about it, the numbers kinda make sense. A lot of men look forward to the idea of gaining a new family when they get married. For them, it’s a chance to have a ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ without many of the entanglements that they have with their own parents. They can watch a ballgame or enjoy a home-cooked meal without feeling judged or hassled. Also, guys are less likely to worry that their in-laws are interfering with their relationship—men tend to identify themselves as a provider first and a father and husband second, so they don’t find their in-laws’ input particularly threatening.
“Close in-law ties between a husband and his wife’s parents are reinforcing to women and connect him to her,” Orbuch told CNN. “When a husband gets close to his wife’s parents, this says to her: ‘Your family is important to me because I care about you. I want to feel closer to them because it makes me feel closer to you.’ And of course, that makes us as women feel really good.”
Being a daughter-in-law can be way trickier. On one hand, a woman may be more likely to form a bond with a man’s parents when she wants to change something about him or get him to agree with her about an aspect of child-rearing. (Essentially, she’s trying to get his parents on her ‘side.’) This closeness can result in a unified front against the husband and, as you might imagine, can infuriate him.
Going even further, a tight relationship with the in-laws can backfire for many women as well. Closeness may give a mother-in-law a greater sense of access and ability to cross boundaries and meddle.
Orbuch highlighted that in her long-term study, she found in-law ties to be very stressful for women in general.
“If women are close to their in-laws, especially early in marriage, this interferes with or prevents them from forming a unified and strong bond with their husband,” she said. “Also, since women are constantly analyzing and trying to improve their relationships, they often take what their in-laws say as personal and can’t set … clear boundaries.”
So who knows, if RestaurantCrasher and her husband work this out, the conflict might even bring tighten their connection.
People think the woman did nothing wrong
As the story went viral, many asked for more context
Here are some tips for getting along with your in-laws and strengthening your relationship with your spouse at the same time:
- Get to know them. Don’t limit time with your in-laws to the holidays, when everyone may be feeling more stressed than usual. Get together with them on different occasions and get acquainted with them as people. This is especially important if you’re a man because caring for your wife’s parents shows her that you also care for her.
- Know your limits. If you’re a woman, let your in-laws know that you want a loving relationship with them, but set at least some boundaries; just because they’re your husband’s parents doesn’t mean they need to know everything.
- Maintain a careful distance. This is especially true if you have kids of your own. Don’t let in-laws use their desire to visit with your children as a way to invade your life, and don’t allow them to critique your parenting. Just because you have given someone grandchildren doesn’t mean they should have an open door at all times.
- Keep things cordial. Don’t insult your in-laws, even behind their backs. If you have an issue with them, talk reasonably to your partner first and try to figure out how to resolve it together.
- Put your relationship first. Defend your relationship against outside threats, even if that means your in-laws. How many times have you heard someone sasy, “He lets his mother walk all over me!” or “She never stands up to her father, or stands up for me!” If this kind of behavior persists, it can poison a marriage. Instead, make it clear that you expect your spouse to defend you without lashing out or being passive-aggressive.
But additional information made the woman’s in-laws look even worse
Toxic family. Get out while you can. This is only going to get worse. Next they'll plan a family holiday without you.
This situation is not going to get any better. Further down in the comments she says, “I am mixed race, he is white.” I am betting his family has a problem with that and he is too much of a wimp to stand up to them. I hope they don’t have kids, since they will probably be treated just as bad as she is.
Yeah I saw that too, and that's the "issue" in a nutshell. She needs to leave him and his crazy family.
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"My MIL said it was very rude of me to interrupt their family dinner" WTF. So what is she if not family?
"Decision is between himself and his family and she should respect that" ????? Good grief NO. She's not someone he can pick up and put down at their whim! She IS part of the family. She should be the person he puts first! This is awful. I'd not want to go to those flipping outings and I'd not have followed them - I would be getting my new life without him ready. How hurtful this must be for her.
A husband who doesn't consider you "family" and deliberately and unapologetically excludes you from plus one events is not much of a husband at all. It's time to move on.
yes, after 10 years, my partner told me that I "do not belong." I convinced him, finally, of going to counselling, but it was too late.
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If your husband was just having dinner with his parents and brothers, I would say YTA- it’s weird that when people get married, some never see their family without their spouse being stuck to them. But everyone else’s SOs were there so you were purposefully excluded. So what did you learn? Your husband’s family detests you and your husband doesn’t have your back. Maybe they are justified for disliking you but that doesn’t change the fact that your husband is ok with how they treat you and supports them against you. Not much of a marriage.
So the white racist family doesn’t want the mixed-race daughter in law to join them for restaurant dinners? And her husband is ok with that??? So NTA but in her shoes I wouldn‘t have gone to the trouble of following them to the restaurant. I don‘t care that he‘s otherwise a “good guy“ (jeez the qualifications are really low for men sometimes)
She didn't say they were racist. Someone asked what race they and her are and she answered. She herself said she doesn't know why they are not inviting her.
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Quite! Though be funny if they were all over them - she could then be very controlling about how little they got to see them. Revenge would be sweet. Truth is she's best out of it!! Hubby isn't putting her first, that's a massive red flag.
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Divorce that selfish, little man, and find someone who actually loves and respects you.
How much you wanna bet that the other SOs are white girls?
My wife comes first. If she's not invited, then I'm not invited. I'm not dealing with anybody who tries to come between us. He needs to man up and tell them to take a hike.
The moment she said she was mixed I said there it is. They’re a bunch of racists and are embarrassed to be seen with her. She’d be better off getting a divorce. I’m sure his racist mommy would be happy. The thing is when you marry someone you become family! If he really loved her he would tell his parents that either she comes too or I don’t. The fact he doesn’t isn’t a red flag, it’s a red banner.
Yes that's why she can only go w certain people to dinners the ones that "don't mind" ugh
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What a weird family!! SOs can go to family dinners but not a wife?!? Shame on him for excluding you. His behavior speaks volumes about how he feels about you. Dump his a**
This blows my mind. In my family, you're family. Even my aunt's ex was invited to family gatherings bc he's our cousins dad. And, despite everything, we still loved him even as flawed as he was. My husband's family is the same way. If you're family, you're family forever, and we will go to battle for you if you need us to.
My family is like that, but on a case by case basis. Some ex's are welcome, some better not let even their shadow come into view.
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Your husband is a complete ass. You didn't interrupt dinner by walking by, your husband started the conversation. With a family like that, who the hell wants them? You deserve 100% better. Dump that low life.
This is so sad. Will your future children be invited and you will have to stay home? Leave now.
She says she's of mixed race. BING Bing bing! Racist parents-in-law. That will never get better.
I went through the same thing with my in-laws but only after my husband died (21 years ago). Suddenly they mentioned that they had never liked me in the first place and I would not get invited anymore. My children on the other hand were always welcome but since they were very young then (1 & 2 YO), my in-laws had to tolerate me for years to come. My FIL was the last to die 4 years ago and now even my children are seen as "unwanted" by their uncle and aunt. Maybe that is because I broke all ties with that family as soon as FIL's inheritance arrived in my children's bank accounts. I wanted to do that for a long time but waited until after all things were settled because there was A LOT of money involved and they did everything to minimize my children's portion. The children don't mind that their father's family sees them as not really important, but I do mind. They never knew their dad and now they don't even have his family to spend time with. Toxic !
I think she married my racist ex husband ( did not know till afterwards) He would do the same damn thing Marriage didn't last a year
My husband's family did that to me at a wedding. During family photos, one chick was yelling,"Family members ONLY!" They made it clear that I was not to be in the group photos. My husband held my hand when she told him to go get in the picture and said,"If my wife isn't considered family, then I'm not family. We loaded up on free drinks and food and had a good time in a corner with a couple of other Kool people who were disgusted by it.
Load More Replies... My jaw literally dropped when I read this. Oh my god..... she's an actual MEMBER (ie, married into) of the family, but they don't want her there, BUT it's perfectly fine for the SOs or gf to come out. How freaking awful! I just want to hug this person and help her out of this awful family.
Are you kidding me? They (including the husband) are actually going out of their way to offend you and treat you like an outcast, your husband doesn't have the balls to stand up for his wife, this would not fly with me at all, I would tell him to stick his family up his ass and divorce him apparently he doesn't really love you find someone that will, there is NO EXCUSE for that
Divorce is a few steps away, marriage counseling could be in order first, some men are a bit dense. When a separate party gives advice, from a different perspective, he looks/sees how his wife could feel what she does. If by then he is unwilling to consider her treatment from his family as being wrong, she could then know that and proceed accordingly.
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If you wanted to make a point, you should’ve used that time to meet with a divorce lawyer, not go to the same restaurant. Whatever their reason is for not inviting you to their family dinner, the whole situation is pretty messed up. Go find someone who is ok with you being part of their family. We all fit in somewhere.
I feel this. My uncle will fly in to Texas from Cali to "see the family" maybe 1 in 5 trips does he include me and my son in any activity with the "family" And no, my mother doesn't invite us to dinners with my uncle while he's here, either.
That's very, very hurtful of them. I'd find it so hard to forgive things like this.
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Relationships cannot last if one person or persons family think a spouse is beneath them in "rank." My parents relationship was very toxic because my Grandparents always laid hints that my father married beneath him. Luckily my grandparents never made the grandkids feel that way, but it is not a good relationship to bring kids into if you are ever planning on having any. Constant fighting will ensue and the kids don't need to be exposed to that. Ditch him and run!
I wouldn't like to belong to that horrible 'family'... I mean, talking about family values... get out of there ASAP, girl!
File for a divorce and get the hell away from your husband and his family. You need to treat yourself better.
This story is missing at least one MASSIVE piece of information. Why is this woman only invited to some of these dinners? And from there the questions will very quickly fall into place. I have said it before and I suppose I'll continue to say it - always need at least one other side to the story.
She doesn't even know herself. But honestly, no matter what teh family's reason is. It's weird and insulting af.
Load More Replies... The trouble with you going to the restaurant is that you let them pull you into playing their games. It gave your MIL the opportunity to attack you and for her to feel high and mighty and probably made your evening even worse. Demand to know why. Maybe you already know and are afraid to acknowledge it. So your husband is a nice guy… most of the time. That’s not good enough here. If his family is toxic, he needs to deal with that and side with you in every… EVERY case where you are being wronged. And don’t let yourself get pulled in to playing games as well such as spying on them. They’re not worth it. My initial reaction tho, is that it is likely your MIL is a racist and instigates the whole thing.
I really hope she gets out. She's not valued or loved. I'm blessed to have wonderful in-laws. If he doesn't stick up for you then he's an ass but he's an even bigger ass for going. I maybe could understand a little more if it was just his parents and siblings with no significant others but that's not the case. I hate to say this but part of me wonders why he obviously doesn't value her that he stays. He must need her for Something. I wonder if she has money and I bet it's because his parents aren't happy she's mixed. I would probably be suspicious about the possibility of an affair.
Trying to edit comment. But it should have said I'm blessed to have wonderful in-laws but I know my husband would stick up for me if it were a situation like this.
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.....your husband's family are very mean............all of them
It's quite staggering how many people are so quick to call his family racist when there's no evidence of that in the post, she just mentioned she's mixed that's all. This man and his family are awful people, truly repugnant. Why the hell isn't he supporting his wife, why doesn't he have her back?? If my family even suggested a monthly meal but my husband would never be invited, I'd tell them to get f**ked! The MIL saying it was rude of her to "interrupt their family meal" is a) such a bold assumption and b) incredibly cruel. She needs to divorce her husband, he's not only condoning the behaviour he's also an active participant. That's so hurtful. I hope she comes to her senses and leaves, he doesn't care about her at all. She deserves so much better!
Classic divide and conquer tactics. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law tried this strategy on me. They tried this before the marriage (my mother-in-law's first words to me were literally "Oh, it's you."), and some years afterwards. However, my husband stood by my side every single time. At some point they had to decide whether to stop their behavior or cut ties with us and our three kids altogether (they chose the first).
When you get married you make your own family, this became your main family. I, my wife and our son are my main family. Everybody else comes after the family we created.
Another take, I hated the Holiday gathering at my MIL's. My BIL would overtake the event, back story, hubby & I bought the family home. A ton of room to have the party, MIL had waited LONG years to let it go and looked forward to just being the 'guest'. It wasn't a coincidence that every year at Christmas she was ill. She was bullied into it by her oldest son. I wanted NO part of it since she truly didn't enjoy it, she just wanted it over with asap. My spouse never made me go either. That didn't mean that if I went , I'd be treated poorly. I was just respected to stay away. I believe my MIL may have been envious of me in a way. Her apartment at the time was big enough for the 9 people. In 2005, she moved to a very small apt at a senior housing place. At thanks giving she was so excited to be a guest the next month. Older bro wasn't having it, she ended up in the hospital, damned near died on 12/23/ that year. didn't live 3 months. Hubby would NOT stand up to him or for his Mom.
I’m an advocate that there’s always two sides to a story, and I’m not convinced the poster reeeally has no idea why she’s not invited. But with this in mind I still don’t think the poster is TA. The husband is way out of line. And good for her party crashing to make a statement. I have never been not invited to my husband’s family functions. It’s a package deal.
Run away while you can and file for divorce. He doesn't respect or value you. Dump his ass!
I would not have mixed race children with this man. How will they feel either when they’re excluded or when you’re excluded but they get to attend? In the meantime, perhaps you can have family dinners with your own family without him. Apparently, the author of this Panda piece (not the OP) has gotten an answer that the marriage is more successful if he does go solo to these dinners… but I wonder if they considered the race component? I didn’t read it carefully enough, but I think it’s an extremely important point. It makes me wonder if the husband scapegoats the wife and knows she’ll call him on it in front of his parents. Maybe their cultural habits are so different that his parents would rather be selfish and exclusive instead of trying to adapt. We also don’t know if she is never invited to any function. Overall, he doesn’t seem like a prize catch. There are classier people she can be family with.
Weird. I could understand, that they maybe want to meet up as the 'core family' but inviiting the other OS? Weird. Nad not a promising prospect for their future together, unless the husband is growing some balls and rethinks where his loyalties lie.
Terribly hurtful. I'd tell her husband they need to see a marriage counselor to get to the core of this, and he needs to come clean about what's going on. If he won't, he doesn't understand what marriage is.
Let me preface with the fact Hubby marrying me caused issues between him and his family. I wasn't his mother's "sort" (read: from a nice fancy posh background, tho' her own parents were nobodies before and after leaving the UK). Well, things eventually resolved... till I stopped getting invites right after his bro had kids. The bro's wife and I have vsimilar backgrounds. She didn't want me near the kids. B/c I'm not ashamed of where I was. Then my hubby's bro topped it off by saying I'm a better pie-maker, and I've not met on of my nieces, nor seen the other more than once in a decade. I just make other plans. Hubby's stood up to them plenty, but he deserves the chance to know his nieces, and if me being absent means he can see his bro and his bro's daughters, so be it. Pretty sure the kids like me even if we haven't met. I never get them anything for Christmas/birthdays that is on their stick-up-a**e mother's "approved list". (Tie-dye kit, anyone?!)
honestly, if the other brothers girlfriends and fiancees are invited, and they've been together five years....it doesn't sound like the family aren't inviting her. it's her own husband that isn't inviting her. ditch the bastard
Yeah, I'd nope out of that situation post haste! Tell him he can have many more dinners with that a*****e family and find someone who will enjoy that steak with you. Even if it's a furry friend! They like a piece of steak too, on occasion! AND they'll love you for it!
I would never want to go where I'm not wanted but at the same time, I would definitely want to know what the issue is. Why is OP being excluded but other partners aren't? This family. seems weird and toxic AF.
Unbelievable! I have been married 3 times and there was never an occasion that I wasn't included my husband's family's plans, or that my husband wasn't included in my family's plans. No one would have even thought of it!! It's outrageous. I want to know what he means by 'better you sit this one out.' I'd be like WTF and then I'd be planning my moving out!
Throw the whole man out, the sooner the better. That's detestable behavior from his family. Get away from the red flag.
Yeah toss him straight into the trash. Go straight to divorce and do not pass counseling.
I would've wanted to stop by restaurant too. I was curious if there was a mistress his family liked. Is he telling family you are separated? That kind of thing. The race thing might be reason, but did they act weird at wedding? Did they go to the wedding? This is crazy. You are NTA. I usually cringe at the jump to divorce I've read in other stories, but here I support it. They don't want you then find a decent family that does. If kids come, it will be even worse.
Somehow I find it hard to believe this is true. She says that the guy is otherwise a good guy but this thing here. How could anyone be such a turd and be good everywhere else? Either she refuses to see other failures or it's made up. There's no way someone's girlfriend gets invited every time but not her.
Whatever their reason is it's clear, despite having married in (and I imagine sharing their name?) they don't not view her as family. If she plans on having children then she needs to get out of this marriage, from experience the way your inlaws treat you is the same way they treat your children. If she's hurt by this then imagine how her children would feel, not being invited to Christmas when their cousins are? If she doesn't plan on children then she needs to do this for herself, she deserves better, everyone does.
Please don't have children with this man. He doesn't care enough about you to defend you from his Mother and family and your kids will be treated worse. Get an attorney and get out of this marriage now. You made a mistake, he is not a Godly man, doesn't put his wife first and above all others and that's a Christian deal breaker.
There might be specific reasons to not invite her, but there are all kind of naive, good intended, or for blood family reasons. Like if they have to discuss selling grandma's old house, or to prepare a surprise b'day party for her (the wife) or stuff of that kind. And in most of that occasions, he should explain to her the reasons, and no other inlaws would be there too. Or if this case were one of those, they would have had reacted in a nice friendly way, invite her to seat, explain to her the misterious reason (like the b'day party) or smth like that. Or maybe she's a pain in the a** and unbearable in dinner gatherings, and family can't stand her bc of that, and then he should have discussed it with her, work on it and try to add her again. But deliberately exclude her, by her husband, with no reasonable explanation, is a clear red flag and the husband should go to the proctologist to remove her shoe from his a**.
No, no, no. I would divorce him. Don't let him and his family belittle you and treat you like something the cat dragged in.
Wow! I would be so hurt, if the whole family is going out to dinner, and I was excluded....Then they get mad at you for going to the same restaurant? It just makes no sense, you need to have a talk with him, and tell him how this makes you feel, Divorce is a big step, try and work thru this first. If it still happens on thier family dinner nights, you go out to, go with friends, or alone, I hav eno problem eating by myself as well...
This is weird. It seems like her husband himself doesn't want her at these meals. While he should be 100% free to have solo interactions with just his family, that his siblings bring their spouses as normal, yet he doesn't want to invite his own is a red flag. I'm wondering if the wife does stuff to make the meals awkward, starts fights, or if he simply doesn't like hanging out with her. Because if this were solely coming from his family's side, a good husband would either be reducing the time he spends with them or defending her to him. That she cooked up this entire, very aggressive and confrontational, scheme to drop in and wreck the dinner, and has been demanding answers from her SILs rather than trusting the open conversation and communication with her husband.
So they dont want you there, and when you were there, they said you were being rude? A whole family of blame shifting buttholes.
You are family...you shouldn't need to be invited. These people are toxic. If this is the only issue, have it out with them. But if not maybe you need to get out.
I wish! My problem is that my wife wants me to go out to eat with her family.
Interrupting *their* family dinner, my foot. You've seen their true colors. Get out. Now. Your only mistake was not inviting a divorce lawyer to accompany you to witness the event.
With these articles I always find myself wondering why you'd post this online to a bunch of strangers but not ask the husband or family the obvious question, which is why do you exclude me? Maybe she's scared to hear the answer but I'd want to know before making any big decisions. It sounds like they're all agreed they don't want her there each time so maybe there's a good reason for that and she's got a blind spot about it.
Before she serves him with papers, can she ask him why she's not invited? Is he trying to protect her? Are they racist? Is he? Why are the other SO's invited, and she is not? My dad's family made it clear that they did not like my mother. After seven years, my mom happily stayed at home. That's different from her experience....all I can say is--in-law relations can be ROUGH.
This whole situation is the definition of passive-aggressive behavior. It's a bad situation, please don't have kids and seek help from an attorney. At this point you should ask what the issue is. There are only two possibilities. 1. The family dislikes you. Or 2. Your husband dislikes you. If it's 2, then not much to say really. If it's 1, then your husband should be taking your side, or at least work something out with you beforehand. Not doing so is a lack of respect. He could say, honey, you and my mother don't get on, so I'll only go see them once a month without you, and let her know, if she wants more access she needs to fix her s**t. Then it's up to his wife to accept those terms or not. But this whole mystery nonsense is stupid.
Why go to any meals with that family? I'd tell him to go have fun and then have a girls night out.
WTF is with your husband and his blood relatives? I'm calling them that because as far as I am concerned, once you marry, your spouse becomes your primary family and should ALWAYS be first and foremost. YOU do NOT become a secondary addition to HIS family! THEY become secondary. I could be wrong here but since you are of mixed race I strongly believe his family is racist and they requested you be excluded. If they cannot accept you then your husband needs to cut THEM out of his life. He needs to choose you over them, otherwise, you need to divorce.
I'm super curious what is being discussed amongst his family. I read she suspects his family doesn't like her and that it's possible it could be differential view on religion and races. Bet they're gossiping about her. She's in a very manipulative marriage. She may think every other aspect of their marriage is fine but she might not be seeing all the red flags.
YES you're the jerk. What kind of entitled manipulative nonsense is this?! Is your husband no longer allowed to see anyone without you in tow? If someone in the family has a problem with you, then you and that person get invited to alternate get togethers so the rest of the family doesn't have to deal with a ruined ambiance. That is how adults handle difficult people in their circle. The fact you actually went as far as to FORCE the issue like some deranged Karen, makes it painfully clear why you aren't invited more regularly. I'd have divorced you then and there if you pulled this crap, honestly how DARE you?! Do you intrude on his bowling nights and poker games as well??? Invade his friends' bachelor parties? Crash his nephew's baptism? The world does NOT revolve around you, young lady, and your husband is NOT your property.
In that case he'd go to these family meeting secretly. But he seems to have no shame just letting her know she's unwanted. Not a healthy relationship.
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Who cares. She keeps walking after him and he cares more about his family. Luckily she doesn't have kids.
Load More Replies... Toxic family. Get out while you can. This is only going to get worse. Next they'll plan a family holiday without you.
This situation is not going to get any better. Further down in the comments she says, “I am mixed race, he is white.” I am betting his family has a problem with that and he is too much of a wimp to stand up to them. I hope they don’t have kids, since they will probably be treated just as bad as she is.
Yeah I saw that too, and that's the "issue" in a nutshell. She needs to leave him and his crazy family.
Load More Replies... "My MIL said it was very rude of me to interrupt their family dinner" WTF. So what is she if not family?
"Decision is between himself and his family and she should respect that" ????? Good grief NO. She's not someone he can pick up and put down at their whim! She IS part of the family. She should be the person he puts first! This is awful. I'd not want to go to those flipping outings and I'd not have followed them - I would be getting my new life without him ready. How hurtful this must be for her.
A husband who doesn't consider you "family" and deliberately and unapologetically excludes you from plus one events is not much of a husband at all. It's time to move on.
yes, after 10 years, my partner told me that I "do not belong." I convinced him, finally, of going to counselling, but it was too late.
Load More Replies... If your husband was just having dinner with his parents and brothers, I would say YTA- it’s weird that when people get married, some never see their family without their spouse being stuck to them. But everyone else’s SOs were there so you were purposefully excluded. So what did you learn? Your husband’s family detests you and your husband doesn’t have your back. Maybe they are justified for disliking you but that doesn’t change the fact that your husband is ok with how they treat you and supports them against you. Not much of a marriage.
So the white racist family doesn’t want the mixed-race daughter in law to join them for restaurant dinners? And her husband is ok with that??? So NTA but in her shoes I wouldn‘t have gone to the trouble of following them to the restaurant. I don‘t care that he‘s otherwise a “good guy“ (jeez the qualifications are really low for men sometimes)
She didn't say they were racist. Someone asked what race they and her are and she answered. She herself said she doesn't know why they are not inviting her.
Load More Replies... Quite! Though be funny if they were all over them - she could then be very controlling about how little they got to see them. Revenge would be sweet. Truth is she's best out of it!! Hubby isn't putting her first, that's a massive red flag.
Load More Replies... Divorce that selfish, little man, and find someone who actually loves and respects you.
How much you wanna bet that the other SOs are white girls?
My wife comes first. If she's not invited, then I'm not invited. I'm not dealing with anybody who tries to come between us. He needs to man up and tell them to take a hike.
The moment she said she was mixed I said there it is. They’re a bunch of racists and are embarrassed to be seen with her. She’d be better off getting a divorce. I’m sure his racist mommy would be happy. The thing is when you marry someone you become family! If he really loved her he would tell his parents that either she comes too or I don’t. The fact he doesn’t isn’t a red flag, it’s a red banner.
Yes that's why she can only go w certain people to dinners the ones that "don't mind" ugh
Load More Replies... What a weird family!! SOs can go to family dinners but not a wife?!? Shame on him for excluding you. His behavior speaks volumes about how he feels about you. Dump his a**
This blows my mind. In my family, you're family. Even my aunt's ex was invited to family gatherings bc he's our cousins dad. And, despite everything, we still loved him even as flawed as he was. My husband's family is the same way. If you're family, you're family forever, and we will go to battle for you if you need us to.
My family is like that, but on a case by case basis. Some ex's are welcome, some better not let even their shadow come into view.
Load More Replies... Your husband is a complete ass. You didn't interrupt dinner by walking by, your husband started the conversation. With a family like that, who the hell wants them? You deserve 100% better. Dump that low life.
This is so sad. Will your future children be invited and you will have to stay home? Leave now.
She says she's of mixed race. BING Bing bing! Racist parents-in-law. That will never get better.
I went through the same thing with my in-laws but only after my husband died (21 years ago). Suddenly they mentioned that they had never liked me in the first place and I would not get invited anymore. My children on the other hand were always welcome but since they were very young then (1 & 2 YO), my in-laws had to tolerate me for years to come. My FIL was the last to die 4 years ago and now even my children are seen as "unwanted" by their uncle and aunt. Maybe that is because I broke all ties with that family as soon as FIL's inheritance arrived in my children's bank accounts. I wanted to do that for a long time but waited until after all things were settled because there was A LOT of money involved and they did everything to minimize my children's portion. The children don't mind that their father's family sees them as not really important, but I do mind. They never knew their dad and now they don't even have his family to spend time with. Toxic !
I think she married my racist ex husband ( did not know till afterwards) He would do the same damn thing Marriage didn't last a year
My husband's family did that to me at a wedding. During family photos, one chick was yelling,"Family members ONLY!" They made it clear that I was not to be in the group photos. My husband held my hand when she told him to go get in the picture and said,"If my wife isn't considered family, then I'm not family. We loaded up on free drinks and food and had a good time in a corner with a couple of other Kool people who were disgusted by it.
Load More Replies... My jaw literally dropped when I read this. Oh my god..... she's an actual MEMBER (ie, married into) of the family, but they don't want her there, BUT it's perfectly fine for the SOs or gf to come out. How freaking awful! I just want to hug this person and help her out of this awful family.
Are you kidding me? They (including the husband) are actually going out of their way to offend you and treat you like an outcast, your husband doesn't have the balls to stand up for his wife, this would not fly with me at all, I would tell him to stick his family up his ass and divorce him apparently he doesn't really love you find someone that will, there is NO EXCUSE for that
Divorce is a few steps away, marriage counseling could be in order first, some men are a bit dense. When a separate party gives advice, from a different perspective, he looks/sees how his wife could feel what she does. If by then he is unwilling to consider her treatment from his family as being wrong, she could then know that and proceed accordingly.
Load More Replies... If you wanted to make a point, you should’ve used that time to meet with a divorce lawyer, not go to the same restaurant. Whatever their reason is for not inviting you to their family dinner, the whole situation is pretty messed up. Go find someone who is ok with you being part of their family. We all fit in somewhere.
I feel this. My uncle will fly in to Texas from Cali to "see the family" maybe 1 in 5 trips does he include me and my son in any activity with the "family" And no, my mother doesn't invite us to dinners with my uncle while he's here, either.
That's very, very hurtful of them. I'd find it so hard to forgive things like this.
Load More Replies... Relationships cannot last if one person or persons family think a spouse is beneath them in "rank." My parents relationship was very toxic because my Grandparents always laid hints that my father married beneath him. Luckily my grandparents never made the grandkids feel that way, but it is not a good relationship to bring kids into if you are ever planning on having any. Constant fighting will ensue and the kids don't need to be exposed to that. Ditch him and run!
I wouldn't like to belong to that horrible 'family'... I mean, talking about family values... get out of there ASAP, girl!
File for a divorce and get the hell away from your husband and his family. You need to treat yourself better.
This story is missing at least one MASSIVE piece of information. Why is this woman only invited to some of these dinners? And from there the questions will very quickly fall into place. I have said it before and I suppose I'll continue to say it - always need at least one other side to the story.
She doesn't even know herself. But honestly, no matter what teh family's reason is. It's weird and insulting af.
Load More Replies... The trouble with you going to the restaurant is that you let them pull you into playing their games. It gave your MIL the opportunity to attack you and for her to feel high and mighty and probably made your evening even worse. Demand to know why. Maybe you already know and are afraid to acknowledge it. So your husband is a nice guy… most of the time. That’s not good enough here. If his family is toxic, he needs to deal with that and side with you in every… EVERY case where you are being wronged. And don’t let yourself get pulled in to playing games as well such as spying on them. They’re not worth it. My initial reaction tho, is that it is likely your MIL is a racist and instigates the whole thing.
I really hope she gets out. She's not valued or loved. I'm blessed to have wonderful in-laws. If he doesn't stick up for you then he's an ass but he's an even bigger ass for going. I maybe could understand a little more if it was just his parents and siblings with no significant others but that's not the case. I hate to say this but part of me wonders why he obviously doesn't value her that he stays. He must need her for Something. I wonder if she has money and I bet it's because his parents aren't happy she's mixed. I would probably be suspicious about the possibility of an affair.
Trying to edit comment. But it should have said I'm blessed to have wonderful in-laws but I know my husband would stick up for me if it were a situation like this.
Load More Replies... .....your husband's family are very mean............all of them
It's quite staggering how many people are so quick to call his family racist when there's no evidence of that in the post, she just mentioned she's mixed that's all. This man and his family are awful people, truly repugnant. Why the hell isn't he supporting his wife, why doesn't he have her back?? If my family even suggested a monthly meal but my husband would never be invited, I'd tell them to get f**ked! The MIL saying it was rude of her to "interrupt their family meal" is a) such a bold assumption and b) incredibly cruel. She needs to divorce her husband, he's not only condoning the behaviour he's also an active participant. That's so hurtful. I hope she comes to her senses and leaves, he doesn't care about her at all. She deserves so much better!
Classic divide and conquer tactics. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law tried this strategy on me. They tried this before the marriage (my mother-in-law's first words to me were literally "Oh, it's you."), and some years afterwards. However, my husband stood by my side every single time. At some point they had to decide whether to stop their behavior or cut ties with us and our three kids altogether (they chose the first).
When you get married you make your own family, this became your main family. I, my wife and our son are my main family. Everybody else comes after the family we created.
Another take, I hated the Holiday gathering at my MIL's. My BIL would overtake the event, back story, hubby & I bought the family home. A ton of room to have the party, MIL had waited LONG years to let it go and looked forward to just being the 'guest'. It wasn't a coincidence that every year at Christmas she was ill. She was bullied into it by her oldest son. I wanted NO part of it since she truly didn't enjoy it, she just wanted it over with asap. My spouse never made me go either. That didn't mean that if I went , I'd be treated poorly. I was just respected to stay away. I believe my MIL may have been envious of me in a way. Her apartment at the time was big enough for the 9 people. In 2005, she moved to a very small apt at a senior housing place. At thanks giving she was so excited to be a guest the next month. Older bro wasn't having it, she ended up in the hospital, damned near died on 12/23/ that year. didn't live 3 months. Hubby would NOT stand up to him or for his Mom.
I’m an advocate that there’s always two sides to a story, and I’m not convinced the poster reeeally has no idea why she’s not invited. But with this in mind I still don’t think the poster is TA. The husband is way out of line. And good for her party crashing to make a statement. I have never been not invited to my husband’s family functions. It’s a package deal.
Run away while you can and file for divorce. He doesn't respect or value you. Dump his ass!
I would not have mixed race children with this man. How will they feel either when they’re excluded or when you’re excluded but they get to attend? In the meantime, perhaps you can have family dinners with your own family without him. Apparently, the author of this Panda piece (not the OP) has gotten an answer that the marriage is more successful if he does go solo to these dinners… but I wonder if they considered the race component? I didn’t read it carefully enough, but I think it’s an extremely important point. It makes me wonder if the husband scapegoats the wife and knows she’ll call him on it in front of his parents. Maybe their cultural habits are so different that his parents would rather be selfish and exclusive instead of trying to adapt. We also don’t know if she is never invited to any function. Overall, he doesn’t seem like a prize catch. There are classier people she can be family with.
Weird. I could understand, that they maybe want to meet up as the 'core family' but inviiting the other OS? Weird. Nad not a promising prospect for their future together, unless the husband is growing some balls and rethinks where his loyalties lie.
Terribly hurtful. I'd tell her husband they need to see a marriage counselor to get to the core of this, and he needs to come clean about what's going on. If he won't, he doesn't understand what marriage is.
Let me preface with the fact Hubby marrying me caused issues between him and his family. I wasn't his mother's "sort" (read: from a nice fancy posh background, tho' her own parents were nobodies before and after leaving the UK). Well, things eventually resolved... till I stopped getting invites right after his bro had kids. The bro's wife and I have vsimilar backgrounds. She didn't want me near the kids. B/c I'm not ashamed of where I was. Then my hubby's bro topped it off by saying I'm a better pie-maker, and I've not met on of my nieces, nor seen the other more than once in a decade. I just make other plans. Hubby's stood up to them plenty, but he deserves the chance to know his nieces, and if me being absent means he can see his bro and his bro's daughters, so be it. Pretty sure the kids like me even if we haven't met. I never get them anything for Christmas/birthdays that is on their stick-up-a**e mother's "approved list". (Tie-dye kit, anyone?!)
honestly, if the other brothers girlfriends and fiancees are invited, and they've been together five years....it doesn't sound like the family aren't inviting her. it's her own husband that isn't inviting her. ditch the bastard
Yeah, I'd nope out of that situation post haste! Tell him he can have many more dinners with that a*****e family and find someone who will enjoy that steak with you. Even if it's a furry friend! They like a piece of steak too, on occasion! AND they'll love you for it!
I would never want to go where I'm not wanted but at the same time, I would definitely want to know what the issue is. Why is OP being excluded but other partners aren't? This family. seems weird and toxic AF.
Unbelievable! I have been married 3 times and there was never an occasion that I wasn't included my husband's family's plans, or that my husband wasn't included in my family's plans. No one would have even thought of it!! It's outrageous. I want to know what he means by 'better you sit this one out.' I'd be like WTF and then I'd be planning my moving out!
Throw the whole man out, the sooner the better. That's detestable behavior from his family. Get away from the red flag.
Yeah toss him straight into the trash. Go straight to divorce and do not pass counseling.
I would've wanted to stop by restaurant too. I was curious if there was a mistress his family liked. Is he telling family you are separated? That kind of thing. The race thing might be reason, but did they act weird at wedding? Did they go to the wedding? This is crazy. You are NTA. I usually cringe at the jump to divorce I've read in other stories, but here I support it. They don't want you then find a decent family that does. If kids come, it will be even worse.
Somehow I find it hard to believe this is true. She says that the guy is otherwise a good guy but this thing here. How could anyone be such a turd and be good everywhere else? Either she refuses to see other failures or it's made up. There's no way someone's girlfriend gets invited every time but not her.
Whatever their reason is it's clear, despite having married in (and I imagine sharing their name?) they don't not view her as family. If she plans on having children then she needs to get out of this marriage, from experience the way your inlaws treat you is the same way they treat your children. If she's hurt by this then imagine how her children would feel, not being invited to Christmas when their cousins are? If she doesn't plan on children then she needs to do this for herself, she deserves better, everyone does.
Please don't have children with this man. He doesn't care enough about you to defend you from his Mother and family and your kids will be treated worse. Get an attorney and get out of this marriage now. You made a mistake, he is not a Godly man, doesn't put his wife first and above all others and that's a Christian deal breaker.
There might be specific reasons to not invite her, but there are all kind of naive, good intended, or for blood family reasons. Like if they have to discuss selling grandma's old house, or to prepare a surprise b'day party for her (the wife) or stuff of that kind. And in most of that occasions, he should explain to her the reasons, and no other inlaws would be there too. Or if this case were one of those, they would have had reacted in a nice friendly way, invite her to seat, explain to her the misterious reason (like the b'day party) or smth like that. Or maybe she's a pain in the a** and unbearable in dinner gatherings, and family can't stand her bc of that, and then he should have discussed it with her, work on it and try to add her again. But deliberately exclude her, by her husband, with no reasonable explanation, is a clear red flag and the husband should go to the proctologist to remove her shoe from his a**.
No, no, no. I would divorce him. Don't let him and his family belittle you and treat you like something the cat dragged in.
Wow! I would be so hurt, if the whole family is going out to dinner, and I was excluded....Then they get mad at you for going to the same restaurant? It just makes no sense, you need to have a talk with him, and tell him how this makes you feel, Divorce is a big step, try and work thru this first. If it still happens on thier family dinner nights, you go out to, go with friends, or alone, I hav eno problem eating by myself as well...
This is weird. It seems like her husband himself doesn't want her at these meals. While he should be 100% free to have solo interactions with just his family, that his siblings bring their spouses as normal, yet he doesn't want to invite his own is a red flag. I'm wondering if the wife does stuff to make the meals awkward, starts fights, or if he simply doesn't like hanging out with her. Because if this were solely coming from his family's side, a good husband would either be reducing the time he spends with them or defending her to him. That she cooked up this entire, very aggressive and confrontational, scheme to drop in and wreck the dinner, and has been demanding answers from her SILs rather than trusting the open conversation and communication with her husband.
So they dont want you there, and when you were there, they said you were being rude? A whole family of blame shifting buttholes.
You are family...you shouldn't need to be invited. These people are toxic. If this is the only issue, have it out with them. But if not maybe you need to get out.
I wish! My problem is that my wife wants me to go out to eat with her family.
Interrupting *their* family dinner, my foot. You've seen their true colors. Get out. Now. Your only mistake was not inviting a divorce lawyer to accompany you to witness the event.
With these articles I always find myself wondering why you'd post this online to a bunch of strangers but not ask the husband or family the obvious question, which is why do you exclude me? Maybe she's scared to hear the answer but I'd want to know before making any big decisions. It sounds like they're all agreed they don't want her there each time so maybe there's a good reason for that and she's got a blind spot about it.
Before she serves him with papers, can she ask him why she's not invited? Is he trying to protect her? Are they racist? Is he? Why are the other SO's invited, and she is not? My dad's family made it clear that they did not like my mother. After seven years, my mom happily stayed at home. That's different from her experience....all I can say is--in-law relations can be ROUGH.
This whole situation is the definition of passive-aggressive behavior. It's a bad situation, please don't have kids and seek help from an attorney. At this point you should ask what the issue is. There are only two possibilities. 1. The family dislikes you. Or 2. Your husband dislikes you. If it's 2, then not much to say really. If it's 1, then your husband should be taking your side, or at least work something out with you beforehand. Not doing so is a lack of respect. He could say, honey, you and my mother don't get on, so I'll only go see them once a month without you, and let her know, if she wants more access she needs to fix her s**t. Then it's up to his wife to accept those terms or not. But this whole mystery nonsense is stupid.
Why go to any meals with that family? I'd tell him to go have fun and then have a girls night out.
WTF is with your husband and his blood relatives? I'm calling them that because as far as I am concerned, once you marry, your spouse becomes your primary family and should ALWAYS be first and foremost. YOU do NOT become a secondary addition to HIS family! THEY become secondary. I could be wrong here but since you are of mixed race I strongly believe his family is racist and they requested you be excluded. If they cannot accept you then your husband needs to cut THEM out of his life. He needs to choose you over them, otherwise, you need to divorce.
I'm super curious what is being discussed amongst his family. I read she suspects his family doesn't like her and that it's possible it could be differential view on religion and races. Bet they're gossiping about her. She's in a very manipulative marriage. She may think every other aspect of their marriage is fine but she might not be seeing all the red flags.
YES you're the jerk. What kind of entitled manipulative nonsense is this?! Is your husband no longer allowed to see anyone without you in tow? If someone in the family has a problem with you, then you and that person get invited to alternate get togethers so the rest of the family doesn't have to deal with a ruined ambiance. That is how adults handle difficult people in their circle. The fact you actually went as far as to FORCE the issue like some deranged Karen, makes it painfully clear why you aren't invited more regularly. I'd have divorced you then and there if you pulled this crap, honestly how DARE you?! Do you intrude on his bowling nights and poker games as well??? Invade his friends' bachelor parties? Crash his nephew's baptism? The world does NOT revolve around you, young lady, and your husband is NOT your property.
In that case he'd go to these family meeting secretly. But he seems to have no shame just letting her know she's unwanted. Not a healthy relationship.
Load More Replies... Who cares. She keeps walking after him and he cares more about his family. Luckily she doesn't have kids.
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