30 Subtle Signs That Reveal Someone Had A Rough Childhood, According To Folks In This Online Community
Many people, not without reason, believe that childhood is the happiest time in a person's life. A period when you don’t have to solve a huge number of various everyday problems, when you constantly learn something new, when you meet new friends and literally every day is like a true holiday.
Of course, for some, all this is 100% true. And yet, for many people, childhood is far from being as bright as we would like - and as, of course, it should have been. There are many reasons for this, and the main one, alas, is problems in the family or the environment of the child. And then additional troubles are already strung on this rod, leaving people alone with a harsh and sometimes cruel world.
A popular thread appeared in the AskReddit community, the author of which asked only one formally simple, but in fact incredibly complex question: "What's a subtle sign that someone had a rough childhood?" As of today, the thread has over 20.1K upvotes and around 5.6K comments. Behind many of these examples lies a difficult personal story, and many of them are literally woven from pain.
Bored Panda has put together a selection of the most popular comments from the original thread for you, so please feel free to scroll to the very end of this list, mark the submissions you think are the most accurate and just tell us your own ideas on how to spot a person with a rough childhood behind them (and how one could help such a person as well).
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Insanely independent. They've learned not to trust anyone to help them so do everything themselves.
When you need help with something and can't get it, you learn how to do things on your own. Do this long enough and you'll push away anyone that would help. I think this is why I do things on my own so often. It's a blessing and a curse.
When things get tense, they move and breathe very silently and are hyper aware of everything that is happening and everyone else's actions.
I find that they also read people very well, but still have poor judgement when it comes to close relationships.
If ever someone you know goes hypervigilant, shut up and follow their lead.
Seeming like they have it all together and definitely don't need any help from anyone. Oh something serious is happening, make a joke! Oh your anxiety is dibilitating? Better go isolate yourself because god forbid you let anyone know you're struggling and that you could use some support!
Ugh. This is me in real life. I pretend I have it together so I don't disturb the peace. Anytime I make a mistake I have to apologize a million times and walk away from everyone. I know I have anxiety, but I can't talk about me or my problems cause of it.
A recent study shows that living in poor or depressed neighborhoods has the greatest impact on children's development, ahead of family financial stress, sexual or physical abuse, and growing up in single-parent families. In addition, the researchers found that stressful conditions experienced before the age of three had a much greater impact than later in life.
"The first three years of life may be an especially important period for shaping biological processes that ultimately give rise to mental health conditions," says Erin Dunn from the Psychiatric and Neurodevelopmental Genetics Unit in the MGH Center for Genomic Medicine.
Haphephobia, or the fear of being touched, is definitely one of them. Flinching at loud noises or quick movements. Wanting to be at work and doing good all the time. Inconsistent hobby practice- i.e. drawing, but only sometimes drawing, and then dismissing what you drew as "not good enough".
oop this is all me!! my mom punched a wall yesterday and it gave me ptsd flashbacks. yay!!!!!!!
They apologise habitually, compulsively, and for everything. Even for things that have nothing to do with them.
I do this! My mom will yell at me for it and ask why I do it. IDK, maybe you? 🤷🏻
“Based on my professional experience, I can say that a very large part of the mental issues and complexes of adults have their origin in childhood,” confirms Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda also asked for comment. "And the sooner a person realizes their difficulties and turns to a specialist, the easier it will be to cope with this."
"In fact, literally any event of a negative nature in childhood can affect the child's psyche, since it is extremely flexible at this age. We perceive information from completely different angles in childhood, so that something totally harmless from an adult point of view can leave a really negative imprint on the psyche of the kid. That is why adults need to be very, very careful and restrained in their parenting process."
My sister in law adopted 3 siblings who are completely self-sustainable at a very young age. When they were visiting, I noticed a lot.
-If I gave anything to the oldest boy, he would pass it off to the youngest sister. Then I'd give him another and it went to the middle-sister. Then I'd give him another and he'd finally keep it for himself.
-I asked if they wanted water. He said "yes" and I asked if the girls wanted water too. "Oh, we can all share this one." Obviously I gave them all water, but that one hit me pretty hard.
-He knew their eating schedules and would nag my sister in law.
-Offered to make them mac and cheese or noodles or whatever we have laying around. Promised to clean up after. He was 12 years old.
-When "normal" kids play videogames, they're glued. This kid was constantly checking over his shoulder to make sure everyone was safe and if he felt one of his sisters was up to no good, he would put the controller down even if it meant dying or losing his progress in the game.
-To elaborate on "up to no good" what the oldest brother considered bad behavior was pretty innocuous. There were several instances of things I consider normal childish behavior that he would regularly put a stop to. The most outstanding one was being too loud. It wouldn't even be yelling or screaming. Just typical 5 year old make-believe noises that would cause him to run over and tell the little one to keep it down.
Because, as the big brother to two little sisters, he was probably the only thing between them and a beating from one or both of their parents. He was also the only one making sure they ate and drank, because their parents may have been neglectful, as well as abusive. My oldest brother acted more like a father than our actual father did, and I loved him so much for it, because he had such a big heart, and always loved and looked after all of us younger siblings of his. He taught me how to do things like pay bills and rent, and balance my checkbook, when I got my first apartment (which neither my parents, nor the school system ever did), always talked to me as an equal and never down to me, and was always available to help me make good decisions in my life, especially at times when I didn’t know what to do.
low self esteem, feels obligated to deal with things all on their own to not 'bother', has severe trust issues, either pours all their love on something/someone and doesn't know when to stop or doesn't give a shoot.
If it bothers me, it's my own issue to solve.... but if something bothers YOU, then I am Mr. Fix-it! Haha! (please send help)
Either isolated or poor choices in friends, unhealthy romantic relationships, unhealthy use of substances, low self esteem, dependence on others for validation, poor self regulation of emotions and behaviour, easily heightened and/ or experience anxiety, no goals or lower than they could achieve and anything else and any combination of these
A classic example of a rough childhood in popular culture is Harry Potter, who had to grow up in a completely unfriendly environment at his aunt and uncle's house. And while the end of the wizarding series is a happy one, the later play "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child" shows that the protagonist, alas, also failed to avoid mental issues in adulthood.
By the way, a popular fan theory says that the aunt and uncle treated little Harry so badly only because he had a fragment of Lord Voldemort's soul in his own soul, in fact, another Horcrux that had a very strong evil influence on people. Perhaps this fact will now force you to take a fresh look at the story of the relationship between "the boy who lived" and his relatives...
From the horse's mouth:
* People-pleasing behaviours (class clown; always agrees)
* Overcompensating with laughter during conversation, in an attempt to appease others
* Self-isolating; stops contacting friends for seemingly no reason (due to feelings of inferiority/worthlessness)
* No motivation to make anything of themselves (believing they would only fail anyway)
* Allows themselves to be bullied; usually hangs out with/dates abusive people
* Conspiracy theorist (can't live without a sense of impending doom; will unconsciously find one)
* Extremely nervous when doing new things in front of others
* "So mature for their age" = didn't get to be a kid/teen
* Total inability to accept compliments
* No - or very few distant - friends as an adult
* Barely any memory of childhood
* No happy stories of childhood
* Extremely-negative self-talk
They move extremely silently, as though they've been conditioned to not be heard or seen.
PS everyone that has ever worked on a kitchen line with me hate how they can't hear me move around them.
oh i do this!! infact i listen to things like footsteps and doors opening constantly, and know how to perfectly mimic sleeping. i make sure no one can hear my footsteps or breathing and check the distance of which i can be seen. yay i love trauma
Being very calm and collected in serious/emergency situations. Having to deal with stressful stuff all my life has made me very capable in tense situations (This could go the complete opposite way too btw just my experience). Many of my friends have me listed as their emergency contacts instead of their parents because they're like "I know that you can actually help instead of just flip out".
My childhood wasn't tough in the "my parents hated me/treated me badly" sense, but they are just basically children, completely unreliable, unable to plan, spiteful(in the way teens are). I had to take care of everything so now I'm just good at keeping it together.
Good people don't always make good parents.
Edit: seems like many other people had similar experiences. Please remember to love yourselves and to still process all that stuff even tho you were calm at the time! (I say even tho I most certainly do NOT do that)
This is me too. Small things in everyday life can sometimes be overwhelming, but in a crisis I act decisively and clearly. So much of my childhood was a crisis and my mother was incapable of managing it so it often fell to me. As I got older I found I spent so much of my time responding to other people's crisis because I was everyone's go to person that it was impacting on my life. I ended up moving 2000km away from everyone to try and put some boundaries in place.
By the way, based on another study made in 2016 by a group of German scientists, severe stress experienced in childhood can also affect our genes and be passed on to offspring. That is why it is so important to try to break this "vicious cycle" and live your life happily, together with your children.
Defensiveness.
If you're one of those people who gets super defensive about even the slightest error, it's usually a good sign that they grew up in an environment where it was definitely not okay to make mistakes.
Again, you can also become this way as an adult, even if you were never like this as a child. All it takes is someone who overreacts to your mistakes to the point where you lie to avoid the inevitable fight. Not everyone who has been mistreated turns into someone who likes to fight. Some of us prefer peaceful coexistence to constant arguing and fighting.
If they subconsciously memorize the sound of everyone's footsteps. You can tell that someone has done this when they know you're nearby to ask for something without looking, or even around a corner, or what have you.
Not just "identify family members" footsteps, that's pretty easy to do if you live with them a long time, but if they can readily identify *everyone* around them, even just coworkers, based on their footsteps? At a minimum they've got some serious anxiety running in their brain 24/7 making them worry about who might
I am overly sensitive to people's emotions or feelings. If someone is quiet for too long I get nervous and think they're angry with me. I also flinch when people come at me from behind or unexpectedly, both of these are difficult to explain in friendships with people with different childhoods because it's easy to misinterpret anxiety as insecurity and downplay disproportionate reactions. I still have a hard time explaining that I actually hate being tickled/grabbed and I laugh and scream out of instinct and not fun.
same here :/ my mom keeps getting mad that i flinch when she raises her hand, like what do u want me to do about that 🧍♀️
Mine was when I would say to my wife, our kids won't have an upbringing like mine I want them to have the best. I thought most people thought like this turns out nope. When my kids were little my mum would say why do you go the kids sports day and the school play the won't remember I turned and said "oh I remember everyone you weren't there for which was easy cause you only came once and moaned about how long the carol service was because you wanted to go out and get pissed". sorry this is long winded i just needed to vent.
Insecurity.
My Psychology professor used to joke that, "Psychology is the study of common sense." When someone is Insecure, it is generally because they lacked security as a child. Parental love was typically conditional and varied depending on the caretaker's mood. The child becomes insecure due to love not being guaranteed, so to 'earn' this basic need, they will go throughout life trying to 'solve social puzzles' that don't exist. solving imaginary puzzles all the time can prove to be fatiguing, so these individuals tend to isolate themselves.
Dang. Yes. Just yes. My mother has gotten so much better, and I love her for it. I still am insecure, but I fell better knowing my younger siblings won't have to be insecure with things like love.
My now boyfriend always used to say jokes like;
Nah you dont hurt me its way worse at home.
But he had a look on his face after saying those type of jokes and nooobody saw it i guesse? So one night when we where on a call I asked him if every thing was alright and if those joke were really a joke. He was quiete for 5 second and told me everything, after that i learned that some people knew but just ignored it. He was so relieve that someone could see his pain and was willing to talk about it. After 3-4 months after that, we where together and are still together. He is the nicest person i have ever met.
Not everybody with s****y families turns to s****y themselves. They just have to make an unbreakable promise to themselves that they will be the exact opposite of their families, and keep up the effort to reverse the damage their families did, until being the opposite becomes second nature to them.
Constant analysis of non-verbal cues. I spent my childhood trying to read tiny signals that my abusers sent, that were imperceptible to most people, but big red flags to me. The problem comes when you assume that these signals apply to all people, not just the a******s. I'm triggered by things that my gentle and loving partner does, because my abusers sighed that way, or tapped his hand that way, or got that glint in his eye. My partner is just trying to exist, and I read into everything that he unconsciously does. It's hard for me to retrain my mind... But I'm working on it with a licensed counselor. I've spent nearly 4 decades of my life in flight or fight.... It's good to be emerging from that mode.
Just ask. I found that the key to learning to trust, trust. Whenever I need a validation that everything is okay I ask. Whenever I am questioning my perception, I ask. I invite him to do so as well. I do it RARELY now because we have deep trust. We celebrated 23 years together this week.
Having the ability to function as their own parent at a young age. Talking like an adult at a young age. Anything else that shows they had to grow up fast.
Edit:
To everyone else who wants to split hairs over “talking like an adult” please stop explaining your interpretation of this phrase. People who have seen it know what I’m talking about. It’s great if you are raising your kid to speak properly or understand adult topics, obviously I’m not referring to such a situation.
Also the question is “what’s a subtle sign that someone had a rough childhood?” not “ what’s an obvious sign of ABUSE!!!?”.
I get it. I have seen very intelligent children who were like being in the room with an adult but when you pair it with a sibling that is very needy when it comes to affection and a parent telling me he is never that way with anyone there is something going on. The older sibling is the adult in this dynamic and the younger was trying to get affection where ever they could and felt I was their safe zone. (Retired teacher) I have a family member also that is very mature for her age since I met her. She is the parent in her growing up dynamic. Both would call her in a panic over things they could not handle all the time that she had to immediately drop everything and solve for them. Mature, reliable, problem solver for a reason. Others relied on her but there was no one she could rely on growing up. We stepped into that roll for her. She needed it to the core of her being.
Someone who is really uncertain in decision making and never wants to put anyone out of their way. They may also be really loving, but are really scared to be hurt
oh, i didn’t even realize i did this until now. i always think very hard through most decisions, and try to make sure that no one has to do much for me. and i believe that one of the reasons i never open up is because i’m convinced it will be turned into a weapon, or even worse, ignored. both of which are incredibly painful for me. to make it even worse, i will always listen to and care for someone, but feel like no one cares enough to do the same.
Can't figure out whether or not to permanently cut off contact with s****y parents, or who go back and forth, cutting off and trying again, and cutting off and trying again.
Even considering it means your childhood was X s****y. And if you want to but can't do it, it probably means your childhood was X times shittier than that, to erode your sense of self and healthy boundaries to the point where you know what you have to do, but have been brainwashed by your oppressors to the point where you can't bring yourself to do it.
I did it after leaving home at 18. Nearly 30 years later, when my mother had already passed away, my father was in a nursing home, and my husband went with me to see him and settle his affairs, did I consent to be in the same room with my last surviving parent before he died. And the f****r STILL was self aware enough to realize just how badly he ruined the childhoods of all five of his kids, so we got no apologies, or even excuses, from him. Just more of the same insults, recriminations, and manipulative behavior. I was glad when he finally kicked off, and didn’t bother going to his funeral. All four of my brothers felt the same, and blew off his funeral too.
Someone who is very good at staying calm. Like, creepy calm. The room could be on fire and they'd walk out like nothing was wrong.
Live through enough bad s**t and even a room being on fire won’t faze you. Your experience taught you to already make note of all possible exits the second you enter a building or room, because you’ve had to make an escape from bad or potentially bad situations (and you learn to recognize them even before they start) before, which have made you hyper vigilant and hyper cautious. It’s f*****g exhausting to live like that.
Everyone is different, but one that automatically raises a red flag for me, and makes me extremely worried is when someone flinches for "no reason". (I wouldn't say It's for no reason, but I don't know what other words to use. So really sorry about that!).
Like, you raise your voice slightly at them and they flinch, you raise your hands to grab something near them and they flinch, you look at them in a certain way and they flinch, you hug them and they flinch, etc., etc.
That’s because, in their experience, those actions, which anyone else would consider innocuous, usually resulted in abuse. They learned to recognize the signs their abuser gave to signal that abuse was imminent, and it went on long enough and made enough of an impression on them, that their flinch reaction became automatic. Especially when they don’t feel entirely secure—-something they may have never experienced before. It takes time, but eventually they will stop automatically flinching, though they may never lose the habit of being on guard just in case. Learning to trust that someone isn’t going to hurt you every time they move is an incredibly difficult habit to break.
Someone who rarely shares what happens at home or talk about their family.
It's not necessarily a sign of something bad happening there. Some people prefer to keep things private.
Boundary issues are common, but reactions still are an individual thing. What helps to keep in mind is the 4F model of trauma responses: Fight, flight, fawn and freeze. When you notice somebody's reactions are easily categorized as one of those and it is a very persistent pattern, adverse childhood circumstances of some sort are a pretty safe bet.
Edit: to fawn = to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner, so basically the stuff pathological people pleasers are made of.
Or people who HAD to “fawn” when they were children and teens, because it was the only way to avoid a beating. You develop that skill, avoid getting your a*s whupped, and just fly under the radar as much as possible until you finally turn 18. Then you can move out and there’s not one thing your parents can do to make you come back.
Watch their table manners.
Meals are forced contact time in bad households and it can easily show. Some examples are becoming less talkative or withdrawn during meals, they realize their elbow is on the table and they jerk it away quickly, or something innocuous like a sneeze at the table causes undue shame or embarrasment.
Conversely, someone who grew up without parental guidance can also develop odd eating habits. In the case of a co-worker of mine, they collect the condiments near them. She would pull the ketchup bottle out of the little rack on the table, use it, and then keep it by her plate instead of putting it back. I asked if she was done with it, and she said, "Oh, sorry. I ate a lot of meals alone growing up." Turns out she grew up with a single mom who worked 2 jobs, and she was used to nobody being there to pass things.
Disordered eating. I'm 36 and still struggle with this. I had a very limited diet when I was young and wasn't fed consistently, often going days without eating. I became very fussy, so when I eventually moved to a stable home I often refused to eat and would happily go hungry rather than eat something I didn't like or anything unfamiliar. I was already extremely underweight so my dad and stepmum resorted to force feeding me which made everything worse. Even now 20+ years later I regularly forget to eat for days on end or eat 1 meal per day. (I don't have an eating disorder or anything, I just forget to eat..)
I remember going to summer camp as a kid and meeting Milo. Milo was big on attention seeking and validation, and would take food from the cafeteria back to his bunk, like eggs and toast. I remember thinking he was just weird, but I think looking back and knowing what I know now, he was probably being neglected at home. Thin as a rail and probably malnourished, so he wanted as much food as he could get, and just wanted someone to acknowledge him. Pretty sad stuff.
Jumping at every loud noise, apologizing too much, difficulty maintaing eye contact in stressful situations, if the person suffers from insomnia or severe migraines (this is in my case, the stress from my childhood gave me chronic migraines) and there are many more. These are just from my perspective
Edit: i know that these are also symptoms of anxiety, some are for people/children on the spectrum, these are purely my reactions after suffering a very weird childhood.
If someone has really simple taste in food, eating mostly PB&J or buttered noodles or whatever, there's a good chance they grew up poor.
That isn't to say a poor childhood is necessarily a rough one, just be careful about making fun of someone for only eating "basic" food, that might be all they know.
I didn’t grow up poor, but was poor when I was first on my own and not making good money. I eat PB&J, buttered noodles, and other impoverished entry level employee type food—-and I’m 62 now and way better off financially, though it still just burns me up if I have to pay full price for something because can’t find it for less anywhere else. If you’re poor long enough, that kind of thriftiness is a hard habit to break, and maybe isn’t such a bad habit to have anyway.
Note: this post originally had 36 images. It’s been shortened to the top 30 images based on user votes.
Crying when stress level goes up by a tiny bit, getting scared when people raise their voice and a general mistrust of everyone around you. This list was a bit triggering for me as I sadly relate to some of these entries.
Had to stop reading the list partway through and come back to it after a break, as I see so much of myself in some of these. I have a very abusive, toxic narcissist of a mother. She used physical violence and emotional abuse every day. I used to make pathetic jokes that my mom went on a “Rampage”, like the old 90s video game.
Not wanting to make noise and also dislikes, feeling more like a shadow of yourself as if you are fading away. Would like to do something but can rationale what seems like a very plausible excuse not to do so. Have online 'friends' but would hate then to have your phone number, so much so that you probably have more preinstalled numbers from your netwrok on your sim than people you know .
Crying when stress level goes up by a tiny bit, getting scared when people raise their voice and a general mistrust of everyone around you. This list was a bit triggering for me as I sadly relate to some of these entries.
Had to stop reading the list partway through and come back to it after a break, as I see so much of myself in some of these. I have a very abusive, toxic narcissist of a mother. She used physical violence and emotional abuse every day. I used to make pathetic jokes that my mom went on a “Rampage”, like the old 90s video game.
Not wanting to make noise and also dislikes, feeling more like a shadow of yourself as if you are fading away. Would like to do something but can rationale what seems like a very plausible excuse not to do so. Have online 'friends' but would hate then to have your phone number, so much so that you probably have more preinstalled numbers from your netwrok on your sim than people you know .
