45 People Whose Brain.exe Stopped Working Share The Weirdest And Funniest Things They’ve Done
Interview
Sometimes our mind just wanders off in the weirdest ways. It may happen when driving yourself home without realizing, pouring juice instead of milk into your coffee, or getting frustrated with a door that doesn’t unlock because it’s the neighbor's door.
These little mishaps occur due to a brain mode known as autopilot, which enables us to carry on doing tasks without consciously being aware of them. What’s more, we can perform tasks pretty reasonably, and it’s somewhat of a superhuman power we all share.
Other times, however, our autopilot brain takes us to more uncharted terrains. So we do things so weird and funny that you wonder how on earth they just happened. Read on for some of the funniest and weirdest stories from people who have been there and done that, as shared in response to this Ask Reddit thread.
Also, be sure to scroll down for Bored Panda’s interview with Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, the best-selling author and CEO of Disaster Avoidance Experts who shared some interesting insights about our brain’s autopilot.
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Someone knocked on the bathroom stall door to check if it was available. I said come in.
Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, the author of multiple best-selling books including Leading Hybrid and Remote Teams (Intentional Insights, 2021), The Blindspots Between Us: How to Overcome Unconscious Cognitive Bias and Build Better Relationships (New Harbinger, 2020), and many more, told us that living on autopilot is necessary much of the time. “That's because otherwise, we would become overwhelmed with thinking through every little thing that we do,” he added.
I feed my cat while I make breakfast. One very sleep deprived morning I made cereal in her bowl and put her kibble in my cereal bowl. I didn't realize I f****d up until I shoved a giant spoonful of cat food in my mouth and chewed a few times.
33 weeks pregnant, at work ALL day, super hungry when I got off work. Stopped by the store to pick up some things, water broke in the middle of the aisle so I called my husband to tell him to meet me at the hospital, but then I kept f*****g shopping until I had my very wanted food. Got in my car(labor had started slightly by now), drove home and made my food. Husband called an hour later... suddenly remembered my water had broken at the store, drove myself to the hospital and had our first son. Food was my mission, baby on the way was not getting in the way of those f*****g tacos apparently.
Had a pet rat out roaming with me while I made some toast. cleaned up, put the rat in the fridge and didn't realise until I put the butter in the cage that *oh s**t*
Went to reclaim the rat, she was all "F**k off, the food box is MINE now". Already gotten into the ham.
Having said that, Dr. Tsipursky argues that our autopilot system also makes systematic errors that can get us into a lot of trouble. “These errors are called cognitive biases and they are remnants from our evolutionary background. They served our ancestors well in the ancient savanna, but harm us in the modern world.”
“That's why we tend to do things like eating way more than we intend at social events (restraint bias), buying high and selling low in the stock market (loss aversion bias), and sticking with a relationship long past the time when it should end (sunken costs bias),” Dr. Tsipursky explained.
I cared for a horse for several years.
First thing in the morning I would go put feed and water in the field, lead her out, and close the fence behind her.
One morning as I'm walking back into my house, I hear a weird sound behind me. The sound of hooves on linoleum.
She looked as surprised as I was that I had brought her into my kitchen. Luckily, she never told anyone so my secret is still safe.
Pulled into my complex, walked up the stairs, my keys wouldn't open the door and then I realized it had been seven years since I had lived there.
Oh man. Okay, I'm late to the party here, but I've got a great answer for this.
I was working as a summer counselor at a college, helping incoming freshmen pick classes and stuff like that. The job was exhausting, but I loved it, so I poured my all into it, making arts and crafts in my off time to make the experience more fun for the kids, writing skits, building sets and costumes, that sort of thing. The result was that I barely slept (3-4 hours per night, for 3 months on end).
One night, around 3 am, just as I was going to bed, I realized that I'd forgotten to tell my kids that tomorrow's meeting was in my office, and not at the outside benches where we'd met the day before. Oops! So I sat down to write a note for each of my students. Here's what I wrote:
Hi (Student Name),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my office
tomorrow at 9 am instead of at the benches.
Thanks,
Kahzgul
Simple, right? i sat down to write out 12 notes and I was dozing off as I did so. Finally got them all done around 4 am and delivered them under each student's dorm room door. Slept for 3 hours!
The next morning at 9 am sharp, the students started filing into my office. As they sat in the chairs, one asked, "Mr. Kahzgul, why didn't I get a funny note like everyone else?"
Um... what? I didn't write any funny notes. I wrote.. Oh God. I had been dozing off... WHAT DID I WRITE???
And here, dear reader, is what the notes said:
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that I see bicycles bicycling.
--Kahzgul
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all crazy everywhere.
You can eat here, enjoy the food.
Thanks,
Kahzguuuuuul
Dear Student (I actually wrote "student" instead of their name),
Student student student. Student.
--Kahzgul
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that office buildings explode.
Love,
Kahzgul
Dear (student),
I don't know why I'm writing this. I see it. Maybe.
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting people all the time
everywhere we go.
Thanks,
Kahzgul (and then I drew a heart with an arrow through it)
Dear (student),
Just letting you know that we're all meeting in my room
tomorrow morning at 9 am. SHARP! sharp. *sharp*.
**SHARPPPPP**.
--**KAHZGUL** (sharp)
The other notes were all the intended message. Needless to say, I was freaked the hell out. Thank GOD my students thought this s**t was hilarious, because I do not, to this day, remember writing any of those (but they were definitely in my handwriting).
Fortunately, we can learn about these cognitive biases and retrain our brains to overcome them, Dr. Tsipursky claims. According to him, it will lead us to have much better relationships, professional careers, and personal habits and routines.
Was at my fiances house for dinner. Had to leave early. Was in a rush. Kissed her dad on the way out.
one time, one of the kids asked for... s**t i don't even remember what. probably asked for a sandwich or something. on autopilot(i was tired and sick) i go into the kitchen, got a bowl out of the cabinet, sliced up a bunch of ham, put that in the bowl, poured in apple juice, stuck a slice of toast and a teabag on top and handed it to him with a steak knife.
kiddo was smart. he watched me do all that, took the bowl and knife, said 'thank you', put it on the table and went and got my wife and said 'daddy's super tired' and showed her what i'd done.
she put me to bed after that.
I tried to put a pacifier in my mother's mouth as opposed to infant she was holding. The best part is that she was nagging the hell out of me.
“To retrain our brains requires us, first of all, to understand the dangers of living on autopilot: in other words, learn about each of these biases and how they impact us. After learning about these biases, we can take practical and proactive steps to address them in our minds.”
Moreover, “we can retrain our autopilot system to make better decisions in the moment and overcome those dangerous mental blind spots stemming from our evolutionary background,” Dr. Tsipursky concluded.
Cleaning up my face with electric clippers. Thought, "Oh, missed a spot." and proceeded to shave off my f*****g eyebrow.
Meeting my brother's in-laws for the first time. They asked me what my name was. I said "Pete". My name is Tiffani.
I sleepwalk once in a while. Recently I got up at 2am and fed the dog. My girlfriend woke up and was like "wtf, did you just feed the dog? What time is it?"
Apparently I looked her in the eye and said "everyone loves a midnight snack."
Someone knocked at my door and i knocked back...
I ordered a meatlong football from subway. I then got upset when the dude had no idea what I wanted.
Then we both laughed.
Spent ages cooking dinner only to pick the plate up and empty it straight into the bin. I was so tired and hungry, I cried
My husband and I had an inside joke. Whenever someone lost something, the other person always asked, "have you checked inside your butt?"
I was in a meeting at work (conservative and traditional corporate office) one day and a coworker said, "I can't find my pen." Without any thought or hesitation I quickly responded, "have you checked inside your butt?" As soon as I said it, I snapped back to reality and realized I was at work. As you can imagine, everyone went silent and stared at me as my face turned bright red.
My friends and I when I was in my late teens always said "you've eaten it' when someone couldn't remember where they had left something. Not funny really, but amused us. One day in work someone came and told me so and so couldn't find her paperwork for the day, I said 'she has eaten it' and went off to print a copy. So and so came in - a rather large overweight girl - really upset 'what are you trying to say'. Luckily, she saw the humour.
Had been playing a lot of skyrim recently and was walking to the bus stop and saw a patch of clover. Started towards it and thought to myself....i should harvest those, i could use some potion ingredients. Immediately thought to myself, wtf brain, w'ere outside.
Second time heading to buy a soda I saw a guy on a red motorcycle. I decided I wanted it. And mentally began preparing myself to kick him off the bike and take it. Then I realized I can't even do that I've.
Loaded up my toothbrush with toothpaste and proceeded to brush my hair with it instead of my teeth
In my early 20s, I used to spray an old toothbrush with hairspray and comb it over flyaways. It’s been years. The other day, while FaceTiming my mother and blabbing about work, I squirted toothpaste on my toothbrush and started combing it through my hair 😅 didn’t even notice until she was like “what is happening right now….”
*sighs*
It had been a long, rough day at work. Once I got home I really had to pee, I pulled down my pants, sat and started peeing. I forgot a step. Pull down underwear. You read it right everyone, I pissed myself on the toilet.
EDIT - Fun fact, I never shared my embarrassing moment with my husband. I wanted to share some of the funny responses I got and finally just told him. He hasn't stopped laughing yet. (He was having a bad day so I'm glad I shared.)
I drove a city bus in college. My route and my commute home had a road that overlapped. Driving home from work one night I ended up doing my bus route instead of my commute home and didn't realize it until I ended up in the bus terminal at the end of the line. I guess it was better than driving into my apartment complex with the city bus.
I got a car after 3 years of bussing around and out of habit started driving everywhere on bus routes - unbelievably inefficient...but better than the times I'd find myself trying to take pedestrian short cuts
When I was in school (6th grade I think) my mom would make my bagged lunch. She would wrap soda cans with aluminum foil so they would stay cold (pretty sure that doesn't work). One day I un-wrapped my soda and discovered she packed me a beer that day.
Answered my cell phone
"[911 center] what's the location of your emergency?"
Makes my spouse laugh, my friends roll their eyes, and scares the f**k out of telemarketers.
12 hr night shifts are a b***h.
Was taking my belt off at airport security. After I unbuckled, I momentarily thought I was in the bathroom and started unzipping. Stopped myself half a second before I pulled everything down.
Poured orange juice instead of milk into my cereal, put the bowl of cereal into the fridge, walked back to the table with nothing wondering where the f**k I put my cereal.
When my daughter was first born I would find myself burping the dog
As most males are undoubtedly aware, men's restrooms usually have a fairly standard design: There's a row of sinks, followed by a row of urinals, and then finally a handful of stalls. The accepted etiquette for the men's room is nigh-on universal, but for those who might not know (and there seem to be a fair number of you), it can be described as such:
1. Enter the restroom.
2. If there is a urinal available and the ones next to it are *not* in use, approach and do your business.
3. If there is a urinal available and the ones next to it *are* in use, find another urinal.
4. If no other urinals are available (save for ones with adjacent users), approach, stare straight ahead, and finish as quickly as possible.
5. If there are *no* urinals available, use a stall. Be sure to close and lock the door.
6. If there are no urinals *or* stalls available, stand behind a urinal - keeping as much distance between you and the current occupant as possible - and pretend to be very interested in either the floor or the ceiling.
These rules are in place for the specific purpose of minimizing embarrassment, and they work well if everyone follows them. Unfortunately, while in a caffeine-deprived haze, I managed to accidentally exploit an unfortunate loophole.
I had walked into the restroom, intent on... well, you can guess... and discovered that none of the urinals were available. Fortunately, one of the stall doors was ajar, indicating that it was unoccupied... or so I thought. Upon entering the stall in question, I discovered that it was already in use by someone who had neglected to close the door, and who was midway through their "expulsion of fluids."
Had I been in a sounder state of mind, I would have hurriedly exited and waited for a different section of the facility to become available. As it happened, I decided that the best course of action was to lounge against the wall - still inside of the stall, mind you - and twiddle with my phone until the guy finished his performance. It was only as he was nearing completion that I realized what I was doing, and I rushed to exit the stall before my unwitting co-occupant noticed my presence.
Of course, that was right when someone *else* entered the restroom. They saw me leave the stall, assumed that it was empty, and walked forward... right into the *original* occupant, who was making his own exit.
I decided to hold it in for a while after that.
**TL;DR: There's a party in the men's room, but no-one was invited.**
I'm a security guard for Amazon and I have to do bathroom checks. Caught myself yelling "SECURITY!" right before going to the restroom at a bar on my day off. Thank God it was empty.
grabbing my keys, phone, wallet, etc. before work.
why is there a tv remote in my car?
the etc. included the tv remote
Ah yes. Brought my tv remote to work once last year while leaving my cell phone on the couch. Alarm went off at 9am and my cats had to live with it until my lunch break. Will never live that one down.
Accidentally put my phone in the toaster.
Figured it out when I noticed that I was tapping on a piece of bread.
When I was little I had 2 bird pets. One day I was holding one with my right hand and playing with the bird. Some time later I got myself a lollipop and was licking on it. Eventually I had been holding both of them at the same time. Now guess what I licked.
I filled my car with gas and, when I got home, realized that I had not paid. I went back to the station and told the clerk what I had done. She thought she was missing a payment but the station was really busy at the time so she wasn't exactly sure. I paid for my stolen gas and went about my way.
I also walked into the convenience store next to my work, grabbed a Gatorade out of the cooler and walked out the door. I realized what I did when I got back to work. Went back and paid for that, too.
TLDR; I steal things.
I wear a fob watch at work. Pinned to my chest. On my days off I don't half get odd looks if someone asks me the time and I automatically start pawing at my boob.
When my daughter was very young she loved trains. So I'd take her on short trips and the line passed some fields, where I'd point out the animals to her. Got some weird British alarmed looks that time I pointed out of the window and loudly said "look! Moo cows!" when was on the train by myself.
Put toothpaste on my razor and almost went to town on my mouth.
My mother was sitting on the sofa. 7-month-old son was sitting in the highchair, waiting for lunch.
I walked in with his bib in my hand and proceeded to tie it around my mother's neck.
Post Duty ER. Was already home and asleep. Mom woke me up for dinner, saying "Food's gonna get cold", thought I heard "code", so I jumped up and shouted "where?" And ran down to the dining area only to realize I was at home.
My dog eats in my room, which is across the house from the kitchen, and she gets a mix of wet and dry food that I mix up with a fork. So I get her wet food, get halfway to my room, realize I've forgotten the fork. Go back to the kitchen, get a fork, get halfway back to my room and realize I've forgotten the food. Go back to the kitchen, set the fork down, forget entirely what I'm doing, go back to my room to a very sad and confused puppy. Pour her dry food into her bowl, go to the kitchen, leave the bowl on the counter and go turn on the TV. Walk back in fifteen minutes later, see the bowl, fork and food sitting on the counter, feel like a dunce and apologize to the puppy. Repeat 2-3 times a week.
Opening a Mozzarella cheese stick for my daughter, threw away the actual cheese stick and gave her the wrapper.
I cooked my son a “pizza”. I unwrapped his frozen pizza, then threw it away and cooked the cardboard thing that’s under the pizza. About 15 minutes in he asks what the smell was and if his pizza was ready. I told him to open the oven and check it. Then I hear “what is happening right now” followed by laughter. Poor kid was so hungry. I felt so bad. I then ordered him his favorite pizza from Mama Rosa’s pizza!
Once while playing an intense board game, I was concentrating so hard that my buddy realized that he could just hand random things to me and I'd take them and put them in my jacket pocket or place them on the table in front of me. I only realized when I ran out of space to put things.
I used to work in a call center and would answer my personal phone with my call center speech.
I used to work at the airport while in college, and one day I went to get groceries and drove 30 mins to the airport instead.
I am used to drive certain routes. And I use them everytime. I was about to take my grandma to..some shop, I think. But part of the way was the same as the part I take when driving from my grandmother to my home. So...I continued home and just before we should took a turn to highway my grandmother asked "Where are you taking me?" "Sorry, grandma, autopilot."
Raising my hand to voice my opinion while in a conversation not at school.
Patted one of my coworkers on the butt. I was in the habit of walking up behind my husband and patting him on the butt, so it was just automatic. Fortunately, coworker wasn't offended.
In college I had a fair number of all nighters and usually had the tv going to help keep me up and help with concentration.
Once a couple weeks after submitting an essay for a political science class I noticed that the message I sent with it to my professor went something like: "attached is my water for Italian cooking".
My essay was completely fine and had nothing to do with Italy. I guess my brain just turned off as soon as I'd attached the paper and there must have been some cooking related infomercial on tv while I sent it.
I was sitting at my father's wake and my brain was just completely shut off. I was sitting in between my girlfriend (at the time) and my sister. Everyone was extremely devastated by my fathers passing. My girlfriend was pretty torn up and I could hear her crying softly. Not really thinking I put my hand on her thigh and rubbed gently to comfort her.
I can see my sister turn to me in my peripheral. She whispered, "What the f**k are you doing? Snap out of it." My girlfriend begins to giggle as she sees me rubbing my sisters thigh. The giggles and the whisper finally make sense and I snap my hand back and laugh my a*s off. We all had a pretty good laugh. Tears of sadness turn into tears of laughter. My sister and I are super close and she knew I meant to rub my girlfriend's thigh for comfort, not hers. Girlfriend knew I was f*****g spaced in that moment.
I was eating and reading some stupid s**t here on reddit. While trying to scoop up food with my fork I quickly used the top right part of my phone as a knife to push rice and beans onto my fork. After a second or two, I realized what I just did and kind of just stared at my phone half covered in beans and questioned my existence .
probably the time i cracked 3 eggs into the sink. one after another.
Once I cracked an egg into the trash and put the egg shell into the cake mix
Typing up a report for work. Coworkers having a conversation near me. I proceed to start transcribing their conversation
Another time after work I got into the passenger seat of my car and waited a good 2 minutes to be driven home before realising I was alone
You’d be even more shocked if you WERE somehow driven home…
Spent all afternoon making chicken soup with the remains of a whole baked chicken carcass.
After hours of simmering, it tasted great out of the pot...so I walked over to the sink and poured the whole thing through a colander like it was pasta to be strained.
It didn't hit me for a second. I just stood there stupidly looking at the non-fluid portion of the soup in the pot. I felt like such an idiot.
My friend and I were walking home from school. I found a good sized stick, and as any bored sixthgrader would do, I picked it up and started dragging it along with me as I walked, just something I did to keep my focus. As my friends and I were approaching an intersecting street, a small blue pickup crossed in front of us. Normally we didn't have to worry about too many cars as we lived in a smaller town, but it just sort of interested me how it crossed perfectly about 15 feet in front of us. I just saw it and wondered subconsciously, 'I wonder if I could hit it from here.' With the brainpower I normally use for sleeping, I held the stick I was dragging over my head, and threw it like a javelin at the truck. If it were a video game, I would of scored a critical hit. The stick struck the truck directly on the side, creating what I imagined as a deafening noise.
By the time I realized what the f**k I just did, two of my friends ran and hid in the bushes, and the other was pretending to tie his shoe. A tall figure stormed out of the truck, a highschooler. I don't remember what he said, I was in shock, but I can imagine something along the lines of, "What the hell are you doing!" Out of realization of what just happened, I just sorta stuttered,"I uh, wasn't thinking, I, um, I didn't really sleep well," and a few b******t excuses similar to that. "Alright, just don't let it happen again."
I unofficially became that idiot friend everyone has, we never really talked about it after that
Woke up early Monday morning in a bit of a panic. I had forgot to buy cat food yesterday. The cat must be starving. I hurry and get ready for work. I plan a detour to the store to buy the cat food. On the drive there I'm planning my run into the store and I realize I don't know what isle the food is on. How could I not remember what isle the cat food is on? Then it hits me. I don't have a cat. I haven't had one for several years.
Was on the phone with my boss and she was getting really irritated about something, I don't even remember what. The combination of her irritation and my exhaustion made my brain misfire, and I ended the call with "okay bye bye Mom, I love you!".
I was so embarrassed but she thought it was hilarious and started calling me her adopted daughter after that. I mean, she is the same age as my mom so it's not too weird, but I certainly felt like a child around her instead of a colleague until she left the company. I miss her ):
I have two:
1) Walking to work on a very straight path through a nature reserve. I fell asleep and sleepwalked for about 10 mins. It was so weird, i blinked and suddenly appeared near the end of my journey.
2) Got into my car with coffee and a newspaper. Carefully held the rolled-up newspaper whilst hurling the coffee onto the passenger seat.
Once I was leaving my apt, and decided to bring the garbage out with me. I had to walk to the pharmacy, which was about three city blocks away. When I got to the pharmacy, I walked up to the counter, and plunked the nasty, dripping bag of garbage right into the counter. I guess I had forgot to throw it into the dumpster on the way out and carried it all the way there.
There was an awkward 'wtf' moment between myself and and the pharmacist, and I just kind of turned around and walked out. Couldn't bring myself to go back in, felt too stupid. Especially when I realized that garbage water had been dripping on my leg the whole time.
I had just woken up and I was still on sleep-auto brain. I wear ear plugs when I sleep but I often tug them out during the night. One was on my chest and I sleepily grabbed it.
My traitor of a brain was like "it's a mini marshmallow: eat it"
So I popped into my mouth and started to chew.
Luckily I realized what I was doing in time, but I also learned it would be very easy to poison me.
I have poured my dog a bowl of cereal instead of giving her food multiple times.
Same with my cats. They’re not as impressed with Lucky Charms as I am. (Not enough marshmallows, I get it.)
searching for my glasses 5 minutes. I was wearing them and its pretty hard to not notice that i wear my glasses considering how bad my vision gets without them.
Wake up at 3am, go downstairs, start making breakfast. Bemused SO gently steers me back, as I'm four hours early.
Or, another good one is making instant coffee and taking a sip. No, it's filter coffee and now I have a mouthful of coffee grounds to go with my sleep deprivation.
I was at the whiteboard in the front of a classroom, between classes. I was supposed to be updating the date/objective/etc for the next class but I was zoning out really badly and ended up just staring at the blank board. While I was out of it, my brain recognized that there was something in my hand (an open dry-erase marker) and decided this thing in my hand must be a lolipop (?????). I brought the marker to my mouth and licked it. By the time I realized my mistake, I had a gross black streak along my tongue.
I woke up one morning in college, got dressed, left my room and got halfway out of the dorm before I realized I had no pants on.
Not me but my little brother woke up late for school one day and opened the door wearing his camo rain hoodie and his sneakers and nothing else. I'd only seen that s**t happen in movies it he literally just forgot to put on boxers and pants. My mom ended up letting him stay home and took him to the hospital because she thought he hit his head or something.
Instead of ground coffee, I put a couple scoops of sugar in my coffee filter and brewed it.
Locked keys in car then locked car inside house garage.
good times
Had visited my sister who lived in another state. I forgot to leave her spare house keys so I went to post them to her and posted my house and car keys as well. Had no idea where ‘I’d lost them’ until she received them
When I was in high school, I was sitting petting my dog. She leant over and gave me a quick lick on the face, so I leant in and returned the favor. I paused for a second and thought "WTF did I just do?"
I was in the midst of an 8 hour shift at work. I had to pee for over 2 hours at this point but I was in the middle of working a lunch rush (I worked at a restaurant) so I didn't have time to go. Suddenly things calm down. A-HA! My opportunity! I rejoiced. I run to the bathroom, unbutton my pants, and take a squatting position. In front of a urinal. In a bathroom with roughly six men inside. I am an 18 year old female.
I tried to put the cat into the tool drawer and then almost put the poor thing into the fridge 30 seconds later.
I went to a high school in the early 90s where smoking in the bathrooms between classes was very, very common, even though it was punishable by an $80 fine. You were required to say "it's cool" when entering the bathroom or kids would assume you were a teacher and put their cigarettes out. Not doing so could get your a*s whooped. Like most kids in my school I became so used to it that it was second nature. I got a job in IT immediately after leaving high school, in a nice office building where I had to wear a tie. I'll never forget walking into the bathroom and loudly saying "it's cool," and the president of the company saying "what's cool?" with a confused look on his face. I just stood there like a dope for a second, and then made up something about it being part of a song. I'm sure he thought I was a weirdo after that.
Put my infant daughter in her jammies.. upside down and backwards. I then complained to my wife about how poorly they fit her.
She just looked and laughed.
I would legit put a foster baby I cared for into backwards jammies. At about a year and a half old, she decided unzipping her sleepers and ripping off her diaper… and then painting the wall and her crib with the diaper’s contents would be fun. EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. I did not find cleaning it up to be much fun. So, I started buying her sleepers a few sizes too big, which allowed me to put her feet into the sleeper normally, but then twist it around, and put it on backwards… zipping it up behind her. This way, she couldn’t access the zipper, because it was against her back. Much to my relief, but her chagrin… my little Poo Picasso had to give up her artwork.
I got out of work late, drove home. Must have dozed off because last thing I remembered was being on the freeway a couple of exits from home. Woke up in the garage 10 min later, with the car turned off. I got home safely without causing an accident. Scared me still thinking about it.
Woke up three hours early for some reason and didn't check the clock but thought I was running late. Rushed through getting ready for work and hit the road. Think it's a bit darker then usual but it could just be grey clouds before the rain. Roads are bit emptier then I'm expecting, must be lucky today. Finally pull up to work and start opening up the shop before anyone else gets in. Look over at the clock and realize I still have two hours to go before I even wake up. Almost went home but decided to stay and just take off three hours earlier than normal.
I love the way our brains auto corrects the information we're receiving. I was on my way to work and heard the radio presenters say something about it's Friday. I was convinced it was Thursday and made up a legitimate reason why they had got it wrong. It was lunch time before my brain accepted the mistake which made it into a much better day!
I was woken up at 3:30 in the morning for a random drug test for baseball last semester and after I pissed in the cup, I drank it.
Don't know why, but I did it. Luckily there was still enough in the cup to test.
Back when we had a landline I was talking on the cordless phone and when I hung up I stuck it in the fridge without even blinking an eye. It was lost for hours and nobody noticed until we got a phone call and the fridge started ringing.
Yea... I called my mother's on the landline and when She picked it up i asked if She was home.... This was 3 days ago...
I frequently start fondling my leg in search of my keys whilst driving my car. The panic sets in as I slowly work my hands around my body for the keys I've lost, only to remember they're in the ignition.
A while back I stalled the car, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what to do. I was looking around for a key to restart the car when I eventually remembered it starts with a button. I put it down to the last time I stalled a car must have been 20 years ago!
When I was 18, hanging out with my then girlfriend at her place. Fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up she said, "you're cute when you sleep." My immediate sleep-brain reply was, "not when seven people end up dead."
Sounds like a darker ending of Snow White and the seven dwarfs.
Was really tired but too hungry to sleep once.
Went downstairs to make a pb&j. Once I was done, I put the knife in the fridge and held the peanut butter under the sink faucet for a good minute trying to process why something was wrong.
Edit: I put my jelly in the fridge and pb in the pantry. The whole night was a rollercoaster.
Texting my wife while cashing out at the grocery store. She had just done laundry so I wanted to thank her. Rather than typing, I spoke aloud to the cashier saying 'thanks, love you'
Not the same, but i had a coleague that didn't laugh lol, he would just SAY lol instead of laughing.
The name of the place I work at begins with an "F" and I was chatting with one of my coworkers who was telling me how she runs 10 miles or so every morning as the phone was ringing. what was going through my head was "f**k that" so when I answered the phone I said "F**k this is Travis how can I help you?"
When I was sick and feeling feverish, I decided to take some Motrin to try and alleviate the symptoms. Usually I grab the pill bottle and shake out two pills, but instead I grabbed my water bottle first and poured water all over my hand.
My wife and I were dyeing some Easter eggs and drinking wine this past Saturday night and I watched her take a big swig out of orange. There was an egg in the cup and everything.
I grabbed my "lunch" on my way out the door for work in the morning.
I kept wondering what that beeping noise was the whole drive there. Couldn't figure it out.
Got to work and grabbed my lunch, only to realize I had actually grabbed the baby monitor.
Was typing up an essay, mind started spacing out, came back around and I had typed a page without any errors. Was strangely proud of myself
Sprayed my hair down with what I thought was hair spray. It was Lysol.
Vigorously picking my nose while holding a cigarette and driving; crammed lit cigarette up my nose
Been playing a lot of Rimworld, and in it you get the option to set time on normal, sped up, and super sped up.
I was waiting for my sister to do something and looked down trying to find the speed up option, in real life.
Another thing is I use the Adobe suite (Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign etc) a lot, and sometimes when I make a mistake in real life, I try to CTRL-Z it. Or I'll draw something and go to resize it, only to realize it doesn't work that way...
Boy do I wish real life had a CTRL-Z option. Or a save and reload system. Also multiple lives.
Put the dinner on and realised I had no carrots.
Decided to drive to the shop to get carrots - ended up driving to work.
Burnt the s**t out of all the pots and had to buy new ones :(
I've done that before. I almost reached the toll plaza before I realized what I was doing.
In high school, I was home by myself, rehearsing an imaginary conversation with a boy I had a crush on. I poured imaginary him a real glass of orange juice.
Spoon into the trash and yogurt cup into the sink.
Then facepalming when hearing the "wrong sound" - the plastic cup instead of metal spoon.
I was tutoring another student on geometry (arc and area and whatnot) just after I had finished cramming for and taken a Calc test. About three quarters of the way through the poor kids homework I realized that I had not done any of the problems correctly. Rather, to the students endless confusion, I had been integrating the circumference of the circle between the endpoints of the arc. Once I realized my mistake I redid the work with him and reimbursed the session cost.
I've never seen someone so grateful to find out that they *were* doing their math right and that I was in whatever post apocalyptic math-based dreamscape.
Cooked my phone in the oven.
Not too weird because it does make sense, I recently moved to the apartment directly above the one I used to live in. My former roommate leaves the door unlocked.
The frequency at which I just storm in and enter my empty old bedroom is staggering.
I bought a block of cheese for myself last weekend while my fiancé was away in Nashville. Put it in the fridge like a normal person. At some point I had to get something out of the "miscellaneous" drawer in the kitchen (you know, the one that holds pencils/rubber bands/menus). I didn't find what I was looking for in there, but I did find an unopened block of cheese. No idea how I managed to put it there, nor do I remember ever taking it out of the fridge. But it had to be me, right?
I put a lighter in my mouth and try to light it up with my cigarettes
shaving my legs
, i'm 20 so have been doing this for 7+ years.
go to clean hair out of the razor blades between strokes: the usual way to do this is just swirl the razor in water/wipe with a flannel etc.
for some reason i just ran my finger along the blades to get the hair out, instantly realised i had been a f*****g idiot and was in massive pain
I kissed a teacher on the cheek, she told someone "I can't hear you" while tapping her fingers on her cheek and I thought she wanted a kiss...
I went to deposit cash at a Bank of America ATM. It was time to deposit the cash($500 in $20 bills) but the deposit slip area was too skinny for all my bills to fit.
I kept trying to forcibly cram it in there and when I finally got it through and the cash left my fingertips, I knew I f****d up.
Turns out that it wasn't the deposit area and it was just a space in the ATM where it leads to basically nothing. I had to run into the BoA and tell the nearest CSR how stupid I am and to help my a*s.
Context: I got no sleep the previous day and the ATM back then wasn't as updated as they are now where the deposit slip like open and lights up like they do now.
If you take the second paragraph out of context (I’m sorry, I’m also sleep deprived)
When I was a kid, I was having breakfast, pancakes and apple juice. Somehow, I poured myself a glass of maple syrup and took a slug, expecting apple juice. Spit it across the room.
Had a 7am class back in college, when I was a teenager. Got some leftover pancakes out of the fridge, heated them up, and sat down with the fixin's. Reached for the syrup and poured some milk on my pancakes. Caught myself before it was too bad, but then refilled the cup from the syrup bottle.
Said "nice to meet you" to a friend.
I once said "Pleasure to make your acquaintance" to a random lady on the street.
I asked a customer to let me know if we were out of something and I would grab it for them and instead of saying "come yell at me" I said "come at me". Also at different job told a customer "goodnight yourself"
Throwing away trash while also talking on phone.
Slam iPhone in trash and hold empty coffee container up to ear.
Also accidentally say "ponyothepumpkinking, how can I help you?" Into the comcast remote all the time, instead of what I'm trying to watch.
Once brushed my teeth with a sink plug.
To this day I don't know how I was so much of a zombie that I did that.
I'm dyslexic and have a blood condition which causes brain fog and I only function on plenty of sleep, so I stories like these make up most of my life. A while ago, I drove over an hour to work at a schools off site facility, first I went to the school to pick up lunch - my fob wouldn't let me in, but I got buzzed. Went to work, everyone was weirdly happy to see me and I had a lovely morning. Lunch time, boss drives over bringing me a coffee. She had seen me try to buzz in earlier and phoned my actual boss - I had changed jobs 6 months before so I only had a 10 minute drive instead of over an hour. My old school had been short staffed that day, and my new boss had agreed I really should not drive back an hour up the moterway, so she could keep me. Somehow, I still managed to deliver the days lessons. Bit embarrassed people knew me well enough not to think it was weird.
I used to work for Subway, so I was very used to "pizza sub" meaning pepperoni. One day I went to a pizza place on my break and repeatedly told them I wanted a pizza pizza, and got very annoyed that they kept asking what kind of pizza I wanted.
I had recently moved, so driving home from work one day I had gotten all the way to my old street before I snapped out of it. 10 minute drive turned into a 30 minute drive.
Worst brain moment: I once tightly hugged a friend and said "I could hug you to death." We were at a funeral... She was the widow 😳🤦♀️
At the funeral of good friend. Widow came to speak with me. I answered generic how are you with "Not dead yet!"
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Fetch eggs from the chicken coop, open the nest box door, be surprised by a hen laying eggs, say "OH SORRY !" and close the door...
Worst brain moment: I once tightly hugged a friend and said "I could hug you to death." We were at a funeral... She was the widow 😳🤦♀️
At the funeral of good friend. Widow came to speak with me. I answered generic how are you with "Not dead yet!"
Load More Replies... Fetch eggs from the chicken coop, open the nest box door, be surprised by a hen laying eggs, say "OH SORRY !" and close the door...
