Family drama is something nobody is safe from. From discussing covid vaccines over Sunday barbecue to getting ready for your relative’s wedding, things can go wrong in a split second.
The latter has happened to a woman who had her wedding set for this year, but the engaged couple moved it to next year because of the pandemic. Meanwhile, her cousin has set her own wedding date scheduled just a day before the author’s, but “that’s a whole other story.”
The drama escalated when the cousin asked each family unit for $500 to finance her wedding. “I told her no because my fiancé and I are saving up,” wrote the author in a post on r/AITA. Everyone was left divided, and now the author wants to know if she was right to refuse to make the generous “donation.” Tell us your thoughts in the comment section below!
The author who’s saving for her own wedding refused to donate $500 to her cousin to finance her wedding, and now she’s not sure whether it was the right thing to do
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Here’s the full story of the incident which left members of the family divided
Image credits: oogbach411
To find out what an expert had to say about this situation, Bored Panda reached out to Rhiann Janak, a professional wedding planner and the CEO of “Lucy Till French Weddings.” Rhiann told us that in her professional and personal opinion, “it’s tacky to outright ask for money from guests, even if they are family.”
“I’d advise this bride to downsize her guestlist and use the budget she’s saved or been gifted from her parents,” the wedding planner suggested. She also added that the couple may want to think of a destination wedding as a way to save money.
“Doing a destination wedding is often a way to save money on the venue costs as it is normal for guests to contribute to or pay for their own accommodation—if that accommodation is at the wedding venue itself, it can offset the cost for the couple. You wouldn’t expect someone to pay for your hotel on a vacation, and this is no different,” Rhiann concluded.
And this is what people had to comment on the whole situation
It seem to me that reddit users are surrounded by people with a great lack of common sense. Usually, at least where I live, the parents of the couple are the only ones that are expected to help financially for the wedding. All the other guests partecipate in the gifts ( usually you can choose the gifts from a list that is plenty of items with different prices, or you make a donations to help pay the honey moon) but they are not forced to pay a certain price (usually the more intimate the relations with the couple the more you spend, but it's not the rule). I find pretty offensive to ask the guest to pay a certain amount of money (especially a so great amount, not justified by the lunch you will attend). If someone make this premise, I will not attend the wedding.
No one should be EXPECTED to help pay for someone elses wedding. Not even the parents. If you can´t afford your own wedding, make it smaller or save money.
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I really want her to say “Here’s $500.”, hold out $500 and take it back, saying “oh right. This is your donation for MY wedding”
I was wondering if anyone would dare to say that they were, in fact, the arseholes, and most importantly what their reasons would be. But fortunately, no one did. How can some people be that entitled? Demanding $500 from each family member? That's beyond me.
Lol, I also scrolled down to see if anyone was crazy enough to call the OP the A-hole. I was ready to shake my head and roll my eyes, luckily everyone agrees, and I honestly don't know why OP even had to ask this question. I guess it's because some of her family sided with the cousin, which is not only sad for OP, but certainly could leave her confused about her feelings here.
Load More Replies... People who really want to get married will do it without the expensive reception if they can't afford it. Getting married is about pledging your lives to each other, NOT about the dress you wear or the million people you invite to the reception!
Well said. We managed it for about $300 (at the time), and the people I know who had the big weddings are on their third spouses. b/c it wasn't about the marriage. it was about the wedding. Oy.
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That's outrageous to expect everyone else to fund the wedding. Have a wedding that fits your budget, don't make other people pick up the slack. I'm surprised the OP is the only one who said no, "no" seems the only reasonable response to me, and that response isn't impacted at all by their own wedding plans or savings.
I had a similar thing with a colleague. We were.close years ago but i got tired of always needing to mantain the relation alone so we sort of drifted. A few.months before his wedding he sent a long apology, told me a lot of cheesy stuff about how much he valuated me and invited me to the wedding. I live abroad and had no job so it was financially a big cost for me. He said that i didnt need to bring a present (they expected min 100 euros cash). I was not that interested on going but i felt bad and I hadnt seen my friends and family in a while so i tought to go, have a good time and also visit my family. At the end I paid much more than the 100 with the plane tickets and the airbnb to stay. Not only he never spoke to me again after that day (so much for wanting to reconect). Apparently the bride was also badtalking about me to our friends because I didnt send them cash. F**k them.
My wedding even if I upgraded for inflation would cost less than $1,000 US in 2020 currency. So.... All this woman wants, IMHO, is a big show at someone else's expense, and that's not okay. She couldn't care less about th emarriage. TLDR: "BUT THEY ARE FAMILY" is not a reason to succumb to rotten things. Cousin wants big wedding, she pays for it, the end.
Honestly, it shocks me to think that people who can't afford it, still want to have an expensive one-day event. I don't even understand why even people that CAN afford it do that. Imagine all the better places that money could go rather than a single party. Sheesh, that must be nice to just forget about all the bills so you can get drunk and toss a bouquet and wear a dress for ONE day
I'm just aghast at the whole wedding industry, and especially people who buy into it completely. I wonder at people who say, "It's my special day" or "The happiest day of my life" when it's the *marriage,* and not the *wedding,* that matters.
No no no!! She worked for her wedding, and was sweet enough to keep quiet anyway. Her cousin expects the rest of the family to pay for hers?? Definitely NTA
Why can't people just be happy with the kind of wedding they can afford? Seriously, the wedding part doesn't matter. It's what you do afterwards that's important.
Let me guess. Cousin can afford a modest, scaled down wedding, but wants to go whole hog and have a huge lavish once in a lifetime outrageously expensive wedding instead. I give that relationship a year, max. Thing is, the marriage is the important part, not the wedding. My husband and I put on nice clothes, gathered some close friends together, and went to the courthouse to get married. Our friends then took us to a really nice dinner, where one of them gave us the keys to her beach house for our honeymoon (we hadn’t planned one, and were just going to go home, lock the door, and take the phone off the hook for a week). We’re celebrating our 20th anniversary on May 25th of this year. We didn’t waste tens of thousands of dollars on a splash wedding. We saved it for the marriage, and have been perfectly—-and normally—-happy and together, even with all the ups and downs, good times and bad times that every couple experiences if they’re together long enough (basically, all the stuff in the vows), ever since.
Reddit should demand some ad revenue from BoredPanda for all the stories BP rips from them.
Residuals, like actors get when their shows or movies go into reruns.
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NTA. We spent less than $1000 on our wedding. About 150 people. We and friends were the band. A friend BBQed salmon. His sister made the cake. My mom ordered pizza for the rehearsal dinner. He and I split the cost. The $1K mostly went to the tent in our backyard and cheap rings.
Sounds a lot like ours... I made all the food myself, we had the ceremony in his parents' backyard (no tent, it was a beautiful day – just a bunch of folding chairs!), and afterward everyone just hung out in the yard & garage, eating & drinking & chatting. It was simple, humble & lovely. I think our single biggest expense was probably the kegs of craft beer we brought in. :)
Load More Replies... A story of two fools: one demanding money to fund her wedding, the other doubting if she did the right thing in refusing to support the madness.
Sadly, when everyone else around you is fine with the madness, you start to wonder if you're the crazy one.
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Haha not a chance, I didn't even go to my sister's wedding because it was abroad and she wanted everyone to pay for themselves and use their own holiday from work, well everyone did but me and my wife, no thanks I have dogs and cats to look after.
Since when do people ask to have others chip in for their wedding? Closest I have seen is on the registry to give money for specific things like their dogs kennel stay for the honeymoon... This one was just stupid. I can see the catch though. Some people don’t want to be at the center of family drama.
You know, I could even see somehow asking that people give money instead of gifts—-most people already have appliances and tableware, so don’t need duplicates—-and call it something like their nest egg; for the down payment on a house, to put toward retirement (depending on age), for a rainy day, or to start college fund(s) if they already have child(ren). But don’t specify amount—-let them give what they’re comfortable giving!!! I think people would be relieved to write a check, for what they can afford, if they’re contributing to something of substance, like long term plans, instead of blowing it on a one day event.
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Also, I hope they listed a cash app or something at the end of their post.
You know you don’t alway need an expensive wedding? The entitlement of some people!
It makes me sick that these demands for others to finance a couple's wedding have become so commonplace. I have never had a friend or relative ask for cash contributions for their wedding. Have I been asked to design an invitation or a save the date for family members? Of course I have. I am a graphic designer, they usually offer to pay, but I always do it for free. Have I been asked to help decorate for a reception? Yes, two weeks ago, I was asked to help string lights for a backyard wedding. Those are the types of things that you ask for help with, not "give me money because I can't afford what I want."
I read these for amusement, but honestly, have never met anyone quite like this. And I just have to wonder, who makes these people? How do they get to the point in their lives where they think this is okay? I bet psychologists could have a field day studying them.
Good point - they should say "well if you can give $500 to our wedding, and we give $500 to yours, then that puts us even, right?"
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My whole wedding cost less than $2000 (in 2006), and that was with me making my dress + bridesmaids dresses, and my husband had his suit tailor made. Ok, 1/3 of the flowers were gifts from the best man (his family owns a flower farm) and my brother. I had a wonderful day, married by the pastor at a church we were members of. There were lots of our church family mixed in with friends and relatives. The only thing we asked for, was decorating advice, and a working bee to clean the church and hall before and after.
Just say I'll give you $500 for your wedding if you give me $500 for mine. Then if she says ok just say well if you think about it it's silly you giving me $500 and me giving you $500 so how's about we each keep our $500 instead. But if she says no to your request then just say no to hers. You are definitely NTA.
How nerved of this cousin to even ask for money period. What kind of a person does that anyway?? What happened to manners ?? I’d NEVER ask for money to get married!! OMGosh I’m amazed at such nerve!!!
why should I pay for someone else's life choices? Especially when I am saving money for my own life?? If she cant afford a big wedding, she can go to the court and sign papers. This whole carnival parade of expensive weddings is ridiculous
This reeks of self-entitlement. I'm going to be frank. If you need $500 from everyone to get married, you don't know the meaning of a marriage.
A "friend" had his wedding the weekend before Christmas at an (expensive) hotel hours from where anyone lived. This "friend" was always making sure everyone knew he was wealthy and had an extravagant wedding to prove it. BUT, the couple didn't budget enough for alcohol and the bar became a cash bar after dinner even though they could have easily afforded to pay for it themselves. THEN they got really mad that their friends/families (most of whom weren't wealthy) didn't give them money!
What she going to ask for money for next. Down payment on a house? Fertility treatments? Kids preschool? The honeymoon she was never able to have?
So the beggar put their wedding for the day after the one that was pushed back or the original date? Either way the one asked isn't the asshole, but if it's after the moved date doesn't that make the beggar's wedding next year too?
I would have said no too, as others have said, if they know what they can't afford it don't do it, if they really loved each other get two witnesses and get married
Absolutely disgusting! And if she knew the new date for your wedding and booked hers the day before, she's one bridezilla! Wants to beat you by 1 day? Affect your preparation time? sorry, but don't even consider going! Absolutely no one should be paying $500. They need to save up or ask the parents what they can afford to contribute. I give her marriage less than a year, unless he's an idiot!
I would have asked for a down payment on a house screw the wedding I would have been happy with cake and my family around me she's a b**** for asking and you should pay her no mind and you should shame everyone that helped sir my thing is if you can't afford something don't do it so like when she has her kids is she going to ask you for money to send them to college to send them to a private school to pay for the doctor that delivered them that girl deal in the real world
What makes it different is the cousin has in no way offered any contribution to OPs wedding, and has in fact booked hers for THE DAY BEFORE. This is a gross overstep of wedding etiquette more than the money - akin to the MIL wearing white or Bridezilla demanding a YSL handbag as a wedding gift. I suspect the money part is just the bit that OP feels she can complain about without seeming like a Bridezilla herself (although I'm curious to know the story behind the dates)
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It seem to me that reddit users are surrounded by people with a great lack of common sense. Usually, at least where I live, the parents of the couple are the only ones that are expected to help financially for the wedding. All the other guests partecipate in the gifts ( usually you can choose the gifts from a list that is plenty of items with different prices, or you make a donations to help pay the honey moon) but they are not forced to pay a certain price (usually the more intimate the relations with the couple the more you spend, but it's not the rule). I find pretty offensive to ask the guest to pay a certain amount of money (especially a so great amount, not justified by the lunch you will attend). If someone make this premise, I will not attend the wedding.
No one should be EXPECTED to help pay for someone elses wedding. Not even the parents. If you can´t afford your own wedding, make it smaller or save money.
Load More Replies... I really want her to say “Here’s $500.”, hold out $500 and take it back, saying “oh right. This is your donation for MY wedding”
I was wondering if anyone would dare to say that they were, in fact, the arseholes, and most importantly what their reasons would be. But fortunately, no one did. How can some people be that entitled? Demanding $500 from each family member? That's beyond me.
Lol, I also scrolled down to see if anyone was crazy enough to call the OP the A-hole. I was ready to shake my head and roll my eyes, luckily everyone agrees, and I honestly don't know why OP even had to ask this question. I guess it's because some of her family sided with the cousin, which is not only sad for OP, but certainly could leave her confused about her feelings here.
Load More Replies... People who really want to get married will do it without the expensive reception if they can't afford it. Getting married is about pledging your lives to each other, NOT about the dress you wear or the million people you invite to the reception!
Well said. We managed it for about $300 (at the time), and the people I know who had the big weddings are on their third spouses. b/c it wasn't about the marriage. it was about the wedding. Oy.
Load More Replies... That's outrageous to expect everyone else to fund the wedding. Have a wedding that fits your budget, don't make other people pick up the slack. I'm surprised the OP is the only one who said no, "no" seems the only reasonable response to me, and that response isn't impacted at all by their own wedding plans or savings.
I had a similar thing with a colleague. We were.close years ago but i got tired of always needing to mantain the relation alone so we sort of drifted. A few.months before his wedding he sent a long apology, told me a lot of cheesy stuff about how much he valuated me and invited me to the wedding. I live abroad and had no job so it was financially a big cost for me. He said that i didnt need to bring a present (they expected min 100 euros cash). I was not that interested on going but i felt bad and I hadnt seen my friends and family in a while so i tought to go, have a good time and also visit my family. At the end I paid much more than the 100 with the plane tickets and the airbnb to stay. Not only he never spoke to me again after that day (so much for wanting to reconect). Apparently the bride was also badtalking about me to our friends because I didnt send them cash. F**k them.
My wedding even if I upgraded for inflation would cost less than $1,000 US in 2020 currency. So.... All this woman wants, IMHO, is a big show at someone else's expense, and that's not okay. She couldn't care less about th emarriage. TLDR: "BUT THEY ARE FAMILY" is not a reason to succumb to rotten things. Cousin wants big wedding, she pays for it, the end.
Honestly, it shocks me to think that people who can't afford it, still want to have an expensive one-day event. I don't even understand why even people that CAN afford it do that. Imagine all the better places that money could go rather than a single party. Sheesh, that must be nice to just forget about all the bills so you can get drunk and toss a bouquet and wear a dress for ONE day
I'm just aghast at the whole wedding industry, and especially people who buy into it completely. I wonder at people who say, "It's my special day" or "The happiest day of my life" when it's the *marriage,* and not the *wedding,* that matters.
No no no!! She worked for her wedding, and was sweet enough to keep quiet anyway. Her cousin expects the rest of the family to pay for hers?? Definitely NTA
Why can't people just be happy with the kind of wedding they can afford? Seriously, the wedding part doesn't matter. It's what you do afterwards that's important.
Let me guess. Cousin can afford a modest, scaled down wedding, but wants to go whole hog and have a huge lavish once in a lifetime outrageously expensive wedding instead. I give that relationship a year, max. Thing is, the marriage is the important part, not the wedding. My husband and I put on nice clothes, gathered some close friends together, and went to the courthouse to get married. Our friends then took us to a really nice dinner, where one of them gave us the keys to her beach house for our honeymoon (we hadn’t planned one, and were just going to go home, lock the door, and take the phone off the hook for a week). We’re celebrating our 20th anniversary on May 25th of this year. We didn’t waste tens of thousands of dollars on a splash wedding. We saved it for the marriage, and have been perfectly—-and normally—-happy and together, even with all the ups and downs, good times and bad times that every couple experiences if they’re together long enough (basically, all the stuff in the vows), ever since.
Reddit should demand some ad revenue from BoredPanda for all the stories BP rips from them.
Residuals, like actors get when their shows or movies go into reruns.
Load More Replies... NTA. We spent less than $1000 on our wedding. About 150 people. We and friends were the band. A friend BBQed salmon. His sister made the cake. My mom ordered pizza for the rehearsal dinner. He and I split the cost. The $1K mostly went to the tent in our backyard and cheap rings.
Sounds a lot like ours... I made all the food myself, we had the ceremony in his parents' backyard (no tent, it was a beautiful day – just a bunch of folding chairs!), and afterward everyone just hung out in the yard & garage, eating & drinking & chatting. It was simple, humble & lovely. I think our single biggest expense was probably the kegs of craft beer we brought in. :)
Load More Replies... A story of two fools: one demanding money to fund her wedding, the other doubting if she did the right thing in refusing to support the madness.
Sadly, when everyone else around you is fine with the madness, you start to wonder if you're the crazy one.
Load More Replies... Haha not a chance, I didn't even go to my sister's wedding because it was abroad and she wanted everyone to pay for themselves and use their own holiday from work, well everyone did but me and my wife, no thanks I have dogs and cats to look after.
Since when do people ask to have others chip in for their wedding? Closest I have seen is on the registry to give money for specific things like their dogs kennel stay for the honeymoon... This one was just stupid. I can see the catch though. Some people don’t want to be at the center of family drama.
You know, I could even see somehow asking that people give money instead of gifts—-most people already have appliances and tableware, so don’t need duplicates—-and call it something like their nest egg; for the down payment on a house, to put toward retirement (depending on age), for a rainy day, or to start college fund(s) if they already have child(ren). But don’t specify amount—-let them give what they’re comfortable giving!!! I think people would be relieved to write a check, for what they can afford, if they’re contributing to something of substance, like long term plans, instead of blowing it on a one day event.
Load More Replies... Also, I hope they listed a cash app or something at the end of their post.
You know you don’t alway need an expensive wedding? The entitlement of some people!
It makes me sick that these demands for others to finance a couple's wedding have become so commonplace. I have never had a friend or relative ask for cash contributions for their wedding. Have I been asked to design an invitation or a save the date for family members? Of course I have. I am a graphic designer, they usually offer to pay, but I always do it for free. Have I been asked to help decorate for a reception? Yes, two weeks ago, I was asked to help string lights for a backyard wedding. Those are the types of things that you ask for help with, not "give me money because I can't afford what I want."
I read these for amusement, but honestly, have never met anyone quite like this. And I just have to wonder, who makes these people? How do they get to the point in their lives where they think this is okay? I bet psychologists could have a field day studying them.
Good point - they should say "well if you can give $500 to our wedding, and we give $500 to yours, then that puts us even, right?"
Load More Replies... My whole wedding cost less than $2000 (in 2006), and that was with me making my dress + bridesmaids dresses, and my husband had his suit tailor made. Ok, 1/3 of the flowers were gifts from the best man (his family owns a flower farm) and my brother. I had a wonderful day, married by the pastor at a church we were members of. There were lots of our church family mixed in with friends and relatives. The only thing we asked for, was decorating advice, and a working bee to clean the church and hall before and after.
Just say I'll give you $500 for your wedding if you give me $500 for mine. Then if she says ok just say well if you think about it it's silly you giving me $500 and me giving you $500 so how's about we each keep our $500 instead. But if she says no to your request then just say no to hers. You are definitely NTA.
How nerved of this cousin to even ask for money period. What kind of a person does that anyway?? What happened to manners ?? I’d NEVER ask for money to get married!! OMGosh I’m amazed at such nerve!!!
why should I pay for someone else's life choices? Especially when I am saving money for my own life?? If she cant afford a big wedding, she can go to the court and sign papers. This whole carnival parade of expensive weddings is ridiculous
This reeks of self-entitlement. I'm going to be frank. If you need $500 from everyone to get married, you don't know the meaning of a marriage.
A "friend" had his wedding the weekend before Christmas at an (expensive) hotel hours from where anyone lived. This "friend" was always making sure everyone knew he was wealthy and had an extravagant wedding to prove it. BUT, the couple didn't budget enough for alcohol and the bar became a cash bar after dinner even though they could have easily afforded to pay for it themselves. THEN they got really mad that their friends/families (most of whom weren't wealthy) didn't give them money!
What she going to ask for money for next. Down payment on a house? Fertility treatments? Kids preschool? The honeymoon she was never able to have?
So the beggar put their wedding for the day after the one that was pushed back or the original date? Either way the one asked isn't the asshole, but if it's after the moved date doesn't that make the beggar's wedding next year too?
I would have said no too, as others have said, if they know what they can't afford it don't do it, if they really loved each other get two witnesses and get married
Absolutely disgusting! And if she knew the new date for your wedding and booked hers the day before, she's one bridezilla! Wants to beat you by 1 day? Affect your preparation time? sorry, but don't even consider going! Absolutely no one should be paying $500. They need to save up or ask the parents what they can afford to contribute. I give her marriage less than a year, unless he's an idiot!
I would have asked for a down payment on a house screw the wedding I would have been happy with cake and my family around me she's a b**** for asking and you should pay her no mind and you should shame everyone that helped sir my thing is if you can't afford something don't do it so like when she has her kids is she going to ask you for money to send them to college to send them to a private school to pay for the doctor that delivered them that girl deal in the real world
What makes it different is the cousin has in no way offered any contribution to OPs wedding, and has in fact booked hers for THE DAY BEFORE. This is a gross overstep of wedding etiquette more than the money - akin to the MIL wearing white or Bridezilla demanding a YSL handbag as a wedding gift. I suspect the money part is just the bit that OP feels she can complain about without seeming like a Bridezilla herself (although I'm curious to know the story behind the dates)
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