Unsupportive Mom Upset After Her Deaf Daughter Decides To Hold Her Wedding Ceremony In Sign Language
Planning, and consequently executing, a wedding is hard enough as it is without anyone trying to prod their requests, preferences, and opinions nobody asked for.
An Am I The A-Hole? story popped up some time ago about a deaf bride who was organizing a wedding for mostly deaf guests and hence decided to hold the ceremony in sign language. Well, her mostly not so deaf mother had something to say about that.
More Info: Reddit
Weddings are stressful already without someone imposing demands on how things ‘ought to be’
Image credits: Virginia State Parks (not the actual photo)
So, Reddit user u/Academic-Nose-9239, who identified herself as a 24-year-old female, is deaf. Since childhood, she got bilateral cochlear implants and was forced to attend what she called a mainstream school, never being taught sign language, nor being introduced or immersed into deaf culture.
Despite her parents not wanting her to embrace her unavoidable condition, she still ended up learning ASL and got accepted into a deaf university, allowing her to feel more in her element. She even met her now husband there. And it turned out he’s from a very large family of deaf people, who OP loves dearly.
A deaf woman turned to the AITA community on Reddit, asking if she was wrong to plan her own wedding in sign language, despite her mom’s protests
Image credits: Academic-Nose-9239
All was fine and dandy until they got to the wedding part of their lives. Since many of the guests were deaf, and it was more comfortable for her being without a hearing aid, it was decided to switch it up a bit and have the ceremony be held in sign language, with interpretation into English for the minority “signing impaired” as the invitation jokingly stated.
But, as soon as OP’s mother got the invite, she started furiously texting her, attempting to convince her to switch to English and have ASL be the language that’s interpreted. Her argument was that this is America and so the primary language should be English, and also everyone who “doesn’t choose to ‘get cured’ (get an implant)” should be the ones getting the translation.
Image credits: Academic-Nose-9239
Oh, and she also got offended by the ‘signing impaired’. The irony flew right over her head. Throughout the conversation, the mom kept on saying that she should have never let OP go to that school.
So, she passed the question on to the internet arbitrators on Reddit. At some point, she also made some edits to her post, clarifying certain things like her parents never even trying to learn ASL, the joke in the invitation, how she was not in fact indoctrinated, and whatnot.
Image credits: Academic-Nose-9239
Considering everything, people have ruled that she was not in the wrong to do what she did. While for some it was an easy ruling based on majority/minority numbers, others took the issue further and pointed that it’s her wedding, the mom should have already learned sign language by now, and this is besides how poorly the mom treated her daughter.
Image credits: Academic-Nose-9239
The post got quite a bit of attention, garnering over 21,300 upvotes and getting a lot of love from the Reddit community in the form of nearly 150 awards, engaging folks to a degree where there were over 3,000 comments in the comment section.
21k upvotes and 3k comments later, the community decided that OP isn’t the a-hole, but her mom is
You can check out the post as well as people’s reactions here, and you can check out more Am I The A-Hole? stories here. But before doing that, why not let us know your thoughts on this whole situation in the comment section below!
I think their solution—have the ceremony in ASL and provide an interpreter—was a brilliant solution. Her parents should be ashamed for isolating her for her entire childhood and making her feel as if her deafness was repulsive.
Dude it's bananas to me that your family didn't learn or atleast allow you to learn ASL. My best friends little brother is deaf, when he was born and the family found out, they all started learning immediately. Like THE WHOLE FAMILY! Before the baby could even hold his own head up, the family was already learning and since I was there all the time I wanted to learn too! Our whole friends group ended up learning (I'm not like, completely fluent! But I can hold a conversation and understand most of whatever is being signed) we had so much fun doing it! And it was great to watch Riley grow up not feeling so alone and different. He grew up not knowing that he was different, well besides the obvious but I mean he grew up understanding that it's "normal," it's okay and that it doesn't change how we all interact with him and how much we care about him. It breaks my heart that it took you until meeting your husband to finally have a family who sees u for who u are! Don't cave! It's YOUR day!
my daughter learnt it just in case she ever got a deaf child in her class , she has taught some 5 year olds a few words in it
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The ableism aside I honestly will never understand parents who feel hugely entitled to dictate how their children's weddings are conducted. If my son ever gets married that will be a decision for him and whoever he marries. Op's wedding plans sound beautiful. And I just honestly don't understand how you wouldn't embrace who your kids are.
I am concerned how the mother - in biological terms only - is able to handle the younger brother who is autistic. If this woman was clearly embarrassed at having a deaf daughter, to the point where she tried to 'fix it' with cochlear implants, how does she handle the son. There is no 'fix-it' for autism.
Yeah, that bit worries me. I'm really glad he has his older sister, and I'm sorry for her that protecting her younger brother means she can't always just do whatever would be in her best interest without caring how those 'parents' react. Ableism is ****** (self-censored, add the cuss of your choice.)
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How sad and painful that these parents were so wrapped up in their own feelings of failure over giving birth to an "imperfect" beautiful baby that they could never love her.
As a person who has a deaf cousin, absolutely I would attend and have zero complaints if she wanted her whole wedding in asl.. in fact her doing that is a STRONG possibility. And no matter what it's the moment and the shared love. Words have no real description for things like that anyway.
NTA. Your parents sound like they never accepted the fact you were differently abled, and they seem to have negative feelings towards it too, which is entirely unfair to direct at you. Have the wedding your way, it's your day, not theirs. They can like it or lump it. Is she going to dictate what house you're going to buy? What your child's name will be? She has no power here except the power of guilt, don't let her win with that. You live your life for YOU. No one else.
Her parents are joke. They should start learn ASL the moment they found out their daughter is deaf, not isolate her like they did. They're toxic. And if they're not comfortable being at wedding in sign language, they shouldn't attend.
My daughter was born Deaf. We all started learning to sign the minute she was found to be Deaf, she started Deaf preschool at 30 months old, she goes to Deaf school, and she's an actress, an award-winning poet and artist, and on the standard Principal's list at school. She's only 14! And she's teaching her Hearing boyfriend to sign! Ableist parents sicken me - and nothing makes me madder than when someone tells me that the CI is some sort of cure. It's an assistive device, that is all. BTW - I know plenty of parents who never learned to sign, and do not have ANY sort of relationship with their Deaf children because of their prejudice and ignorance.
Cheering you on. Your daughter has so greatly enriched your life and gone with you on a rare journey. She, and you, her family are all to be commended. Happy New Year!
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I think having your wedding, emphasis on the your, is a wonderful idea! Too bad for mom. I'm surprised that mom didn't try to force her autistic child to be "normal" as well.
There are "therapies" that try to do that.
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Hard of hearing, children of deaf adults (like me!), and siblings of deaf adults.
Load More Replies... For those of you who just don't get it - Google a painting called "Family Dog" by Susan Dupor. This is how Hearing people treat Deaf people. By giving your deaf children ASL, you give them language, community and power. You give them AGENCY. My child gets along fine in the world - she has an iPhone to text people when necessary - and her life is rich and full because of ASL.
This is so crazy. Weddings are supposed to be about the two people getting married, not about ANYONE ELSE.
Well, they're also supposed to be about bringing friends and family together, and joining two families, so throwing a couple of bones to the signing-impaired would be a kindness.
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We're in America damnit! You're going to have your wedding in American! Probably, arrogantly, not realizing that ASL is American Sign Language. Also, that jewel at the end, "I've never had an interpreter so it will be harder for me to understand" Does she think the interpreter is going to be speaking a foreign language?
It's a mother (and father's) job to love their child/children unconditionally and support them through life, not make them feel like an outcast. They should've let her learn ASL and learned it themselves if it made her feel more comfortable. She should realize that it's her daughter's day, and clearly, ASL is a big part of her daughter's life, so why can't she just come around for her own daughter?
Completely NTA. Parents completely TA in this and their ableism. However, the comment about having the ceremony in English because this is America made me giggle. What does she think the A stands for? It is American. English came from another country while ASL (which I know is linguistically connected to French sign) is literally from the US.
Can anyone explain me what hearing processors are? I never heard of these before and I'm curious how they work and what they do. :)
Your best bet would be to Google them, it's not an easy thing to explain in full on here.
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She just should have some had someone tell her mom that she can't hear a world she says!
As a hearing person who doesn't understand ASL, I would be honored to attend a wedding in ASL and grateful for an interpreter. And I would laugh at "signing impaired"!
Dear Bride, What a strong, self-assured woman you are to face such emotional manipulation right before your wedding!You're maintaining empathy for your fiancé's (& his family's) needs and your needs as well. Kudos to you! IMHO, your mom many unresolved issues about raising a daughter who is deaf. Her response to your wedding plans were irrelevant. You've worked hard to embrace your authentic self and take your place in the deaf community. This wedding is a celebration of you & your fiancé's marriage & new life together. It's NOT about your mother's beliefs on raising a child who is deaf. Love your husband, live with joy and continue your journey as proud and vibrant members of a viable community! Shine on! (BTW, your gown was very beautiful!!)
Good lord I don't even know how this is a question...it's her wedding and it should be her decision. Period. No further argument needed. Also like to add that I think her parents were unrealistic a-holes thinking CI's were a cure , they need life long maintenance and require surgery at times like the OP mentioned. ALL surgeries are a risk and the benefit needs to outweigh the risk for that person in that situation. For the OP it didn't seem like that was a risk worth taking. She is clearly happy with her current life and that includes using ASL to communicate. Shame on her parents for not respecting that and not learning it for the sake of their daughter!
NTA. My mother refused to go to my wedding (after ten years of dating the same guy) because she was told by "god" that he was supposed to marry my sister (they dated three weeks at 16 over 12 years prior). I asked her to help me sew my wedding dress (and ring pillow) because she loves sewing. She decided to come after all because she said she saw my dress and "god" changed her heart. Sometimes you get lucky, I did.
NTA! I love the line "signing impaired." It sounds like OP is handling this beautifully. Sorry, Mom, but "my fiance can't speak" and "you want the ceremony in English" just can't be reconciled. Like, no amount of arguing and wishing and pouting is going to make that change. He cannot physically say the vows in English! How can the mom be so hard-headed? She's in denial. Congratulations and best wishes to the happy couple.
the parents should be thankful for being invited. and they're even provided with an interpretor! They're the a-holes. the bride sounds lovely and very caring.
I read the article in the link about neighbors who learned to sign after a local new baby was diagnosed as being hearing impaired. Not even family, neighbors! And this bride's parents denied her identity from the very start? https://www.npr.org/2019/12/25/791324876/to-make-girl-who-is-deaf-feel-at-home-dozens-of-neighbors-are-learning-sign-lang
I grew up hard of hearing (only mild to moderate, though) and even then it was pretty isolating. I was from a small town, no Deaf community.
Considering many people teach simple signs to their pre-verbal children quite successfully, seems mom missed the boat! (Seeing a toddler signing "all done!" And "please!" thrills me even as a hearing woman!)
The OP's mom and family are awful. She needs to move far away from them - as far as possible in fact.
Wow, thank you for widening my horizon here! I (hearing) always thought that those implants are like the holy grail for hearing impaired and deaf people. But they make the life easier for the hearing family in the first place, I guess. So they don't have to learn sign language. I love the solution of this couple plus the "signing impaired" joke. Couples should stop worrying about how other people want their weddings.
I heard this story on Two hot takes podcast. They said think of it like instead of ASL it would be french and english.
As a signing impaired i don't understand what is the problem with the cochlear Implants. Why is it so worse than the sign language?
It's a different way of accessing the world, and it has it's advantages and disadvantages. The OP explains why she stopped using her implants in her edit to the post, which is included here. They're not "magic hearing devices" and what the person using them hears can still be hard to understand or uncomfortable. Some people prefer sign language and are fortunate enough to have, or in OP's case seek out, an environment where they don't need to use adaptive technology that they find unhelpful and uncomfortable. Also, not related to what you said but it's a basic safety thing (IMO and from very limited experience) to teach a Deaf or HOH person sign language, even if they primarily rely on another method to hear and communicate. Batteries fail, devices can't get wet, emergencies happen - the parents could have felt that "mainstreaming" their daughter into society was the best choice, but they still could have done that while giving her a backup option - ASL is a useful skill for everyone
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I am a retired teacher of the deaf. I taught deaf kids for 42 years, and have stayed in touch with many of my students as adults. The kids whose parents learned sign language have far less mental problems, they feel part of their family and feel accepted. There are kids whose parents thought that they should just lipread or get an occasional interpreter--those kids grow up without a family and never learn anything about their families because they are denied access to them. That mother should GROW UP, accept the fact that her daughter uses a different but BEAUTIFUL language and learn some sign language skills!
I love this! If the situation was reversed, almost everyone were English speaking and you had an ASL interpreter none would bat an eye. Most of the guests at YOUR wedding are ASL so go with that language, just as if it were Italian or Norwegian. I have no deaf ppl around me so I might not understand your parents point of view, but I would think that all parents would like their child to be happy.
I understand that many among the deaf community don't consider themselves disabled, but they are certainly an often underserved minority. Making a joke about people who are 'signing impaired' is punching up, you were making a joke at the expense of people who are in a privileged position in this scenario (also it is hilarious). OP unfortunately has more serious issues with her parent's messed up relationship to her deafness, and she definitely needs to keep an eye on how they handle her younger brother's autism.
a wedding is about the couple. there are no rules or shoulda's. do what makes YOU smile, the rest of people will fall into step. And if not, you still got to smile :)
Sadly, not teaching a child who has hearing issues ASL is unfortunately common. It is why those implants are so popular and looked down upon by some of those in the deaf community. Cute child reactions in viral videos, but also sold to make your child "normal" in a world they won't be accepted in! and gosh, you'd have to learn ASL too and that could be tough, etc.. That the OP seems to be paying for her brother's schooling definitely tells you these parents do not understand how to accept even their own children which is ridiculously sad and will only be more of an issue going forward especially in the case of grandchildren.
The mother keeps pushing her to be "normal" when she's completely normal. Her mom should be ashamed of herself trying to make her daughter something she's not...hearing. This woman has succeeded in making a life she wants to live despite her parents objections. I'm glad she's found a community where she feels accepted.
The Magnus Chase series made me fall in love with sign language, so my little brother and I started learning. We know a little bit, I know more, but I don't quite have the time to keep going. Of course, I'll try, mostly because knowing ASL would be absolutely EPIC. I love Hearthstone :).
I took ASL classes because I just always wanted to learn. I knew finger spelling from when I was a kid. It is so interesting to learn the deaf culture. Signs for the same thing don't just vary from country to country, the vary from region to region. The grammar is French grammar because a Frenchman invented it. The coolest thing is, although her little daughter can hear, our teacher, of course started teaching her ASL very early. At an age when hearing kids can't talk yet, her daughter was able to ask for more "milk" because she had been already taught the sign for it. While I was taking classes I had a deaf patient. I wasn't very good at ASL so I switched to finger spelling. She laughed so hard at my "accent". I gave up and used good old pen and paper. At least we both had a good laugh.
It's really sad that the parents weren't guided to communities and resources that would have helped them integrate themselves and their daughter into the deaf community. Instead, it seems they see deafness as an undesirable embarrassment. Furthermore, it would seem they have had plenty of opportunities since that time to get involved with the deaf community, and have chosen not to. I'm so glad this woman has found people who share and respect her experiences and her choices. Sounds like she is doing things exactly as they should be done, and at this point, to hell with what the parents think. They clearly checked out a long time ago.
This mother is selfish and toxic. How can you accept an autistic child and his special needs but not a daughter who is deaf? ASL is a beautiful language and it alone gives independence to a deaf person. I cannot believe the way this mother thinks. My heart goes out to this lady who has lived a life without truly being able to communicate happily. This makes me so mad! I cannot fathom this. I'm at a loss for words! I wish the bride and groom happiness! I hope they stick to their wedding plans.
Due to a botched operation I was left with partial hearing at 14. Not being totally deaf and not having full hearing is the worst, you belong nowhere and no one will compromise to help. Tried learning sign language but the course was designed for the hearing so did not work for me, no hearing in that ear so nothing to help. I think she was very lucky she had both to help her instead of none like me..
Brilliant idea! As long as the signing impaired are accommodated, go for it!
Erika, I don't think she is looking for sympathy, just support. I think she also wants her mother to realize that people who have no reason to side with her, do, because the decision about implants and her wedding are her decisions to make!
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As one who is Hard of Hearing, I can understand the sentiment of the OP. I lost most of my hearing from disease, over the course of a year. Before that I had very good hearing. I now use hearing aids. They are not a replacement for good hearing. I can't listen to two things at once anymore because the sounds become a muddle. If watching tv and my wife says something, I have to turn the sound down and have her repeat. If listening to music, I can't carry on a conversation. Any background noise interferes with my understanding of what someone is saying. And this is typical of hearing aid users. Now, the sound quality of hearing aids is much better than that of cochlear implants, so I cannot imagine what a chore it would be trying to understand someone through a CI. So, I vote NTA
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Oh f**k off Karenl, no one cares about you or your hurt, triggered fweelings
Load More Replies... I think their solution—have the ceremony in ASL and provide an interpreter—was a brilliant solution. Her parents should be ashamed for isolating her for her entire childhood and making her feel as if her deafness was repulsive.
Dude it's bananas to me that your family didn't learn or atleast allow you to learn ASL. My best friends little brother is deaf, when he was born and the family found out, they all started learning immediately. Like THE WHOLE FAMILY! Before the baby could even hold his own head up, the family was already learning and since I was there all the time I wanted to learn too! Our whole friends group ended up learning (I'm not like, completely fluent! But I can hold a conversation and understand most of whatever is being signed) we had so much fun doing it! And it was great to watch Riley grow up not feeling so alone and different. He grew up not knowing that he was different, well besides the obvious but I mean he grew up understanding that it's "normal," it's okay and that it doesn't change how we all interact with him and how much we care about him. It breaks my heart that it took you until meeting your husband to finally have a family who sees u for who u are! Don't cave! It's YOUR day!
my daughter learnt it just in case she ever got a deaf child in her class , she has taught some 5 year olds a few words in it
Load More Replies... The ableism aside I honestly will never understand parents who feel hugely entitled to dictate how their children's weddings are conducted. If my son ever gets married that will be a decision for him and whoever he marries. Op's wedding plans sound beautiful. And I just honestly don't understand how you wouldn't embrace who your kids are.
I am concerned how the mother - in biological terms only - is able to handle the younger brother who is autistic. If this woman was clearly embarrassed at having a deaf daughter, to the point where she tried to 'fix it' with cochlear implants, how does she handle the son. There is no 'fix-it' for autism.
Yeah, that bit worries me. I'm really glad he has his older sister, and I'm sorry for her that protecting her younger brother means she can't always just do whatever would be in her best interest without caring how those 'parents' react. Ableism is ****** (self-censored, add the cuss of your choice.)
Load More Replies... How sad and painful that these parents were so wrapped up in their own feelings of failure over giving birth to an "imperfect" beautiful baby that they could never love her.
As a person who has a deaf cousin, absolutely I would attend and have zero complaints if she wanted her whole wedding in asl.. in fact her doing that is a STRONG possibility. And no matter what it's the moment and the shared love. Words have no real description for things like that anyway.
NTA. Your parents sound like they never accepted the fact you were differently abled, and they seem to have negative feelings towards it too, which is entirely unfair to direct at you. Have the wedding your way, it's your day, not theirs. They can like it or lump it. Is she going to dictate what house you're going to buy? What your child's name will be? She has no power here except the power of guilt, don't let her win with that. You live your life for YOU. No one else.
Her parents are joke. They should start learn ASL the moment they found out their daughter is deaf, not isolate her like they did. They're toxic. And if they're not comfortable being at wedding in sign language, they shouldn't attend.
My daughter was born Deaf. We all started learning to sign the minute she was found to be Deaf, she started Deaf preschool at 30 months old, she goes to Deaf school, and she's an actress, an award-winning poet and artist, and on the standard Principal's list at school. She's only 14! And she's teaching her Hearing boyfriend to sign! Ableist parents sicken me - and nothing makes me madder than when someone tells me that the CI is some sort of cure. It's an assistive device, that is all. BTW - I know plenty of parents who never learned to sign, and do not have ANY sort of relationship with their Deaf children because of their prejudice and ignorance.
Cheering you on. Your daughter has so greatly enriched your life and gone with you on a rare journey. She, and you, her family are all to be commended. Happy New Year!
Load More Replies... I think having your wedding, emphasis on the your, is a wonderful idea! Too bad for mom. I'm surprised that mom didn't try to force her autistic child to be "normal" as well.
There are "therapies" that try to do that.
Load More Replies... Hard of hearing, children of deaf adults (like me!), and siblings of deaf adults.
Load More Replies... For those of you who just don't get it - Google a painting called "Family Dog" by Susan Dupor. This is how Hearing people treat Deaf people. By giving your deaf children ASL, you give them language, community and power. You give them AGENCY. My child gets along fine in the world - she has an iPhone to text people when necessary - and her life is rich and full because of ASL.
This is so crazy. Weddings are supposed to be about the two people getting married, not about ANYONE ELSE.
Well, they're also supposed to be about bringing friends and family together, and joining two families, so throwing a couple of bones to the signing-impaired would be a kindness.
Load More Replies... We're in America damnit! You're going to have your wedding in American! Probably, arrogantly, not realizing that ASL is American Sign Language. Also, that jewel at the end, "I've never had an interpreter so it will be harder for me to understand" Does she think the interpreter is going to be speaking a foreign language?
It's a mother (and father's) job to love their child/children unconditionally and support them through life, not make them feel like an outcast. They should've let her learn ASL and learned it themselves if it made her feel more comfortable. She should realize that it's her daughter's day, and clearly, ASL is a big part of her daughter's life, so why can't she just come around for her own daughter?
Completely NTA. Parents completely TA in this and their ableism. However, the comment about having the ceremony in English because this is America made me giggle. What does she think the A stands for? It is American. English came from another country while ASL (which I know is linguistically connected to French sign) is literally from the US.
Can anyone explain me what hearing processors are? I never heard of these before and I'm curious how they work and what they do. :)
Your best bet would be to Google them, it's not an easy thing to explain in full on here.
Load More Replies... She just should have some had someone tell her mom that she can't hear a world she says!
As a hearing person who doesn't understand ASL, I would be honored to attend a wedding in ASL and grateful for an interpreter. And I would laugh at "signing impaired"!
Dear Bride, What a strong, self-assured woman you are to face such emotional manipulation right before your wedding!You're maintaining empathy for your fiancé's (& his family's) needs and your needs as well. Kudos to you! IMHO, your mom many unresolved issues about raising a daughter who is deaf. Her response to your wedding plans were irrelevant. You've worked hard to embrace your authentic self and take your place in the deaf community. This wedding is a celebration of you & your fiancé's marriage & new life together. It's NOT about your mother's beliefs on raising a child who is deaf. Love your husband, live with joy and continue your journey as proud and vibrant members of a viable community! Shine on! (BTW, your gown was very beautiful!!)
Good lord I don't even know how this is a question...it's her wedding and it should be her decision. Period. No further argument needed. Also like to add that I think her parents were unrealistic a-holes thinking CI's were a cure , they need life long maintenance and require surgery at times like the OP mentioned. ALL surgeries are a risk and the benefit needs to outweigh the risk for that person in that situation. For the OP it didn't seem like that was a risk worth taking. She is clearly happy with her current life and that includes using ASL to communicate. Shame on her parents for not respecting that and not learning it for the sake of their daughter!
NTA. My mother refused to go to my wedding (after ten years of dating the same guy) because she was told by "god" that he was supposed to marry my sister (they dated three weeks at 16 over 12 years prior). I asked her to help me sew my wedding dress (and ring pillow) because she loves sewing. She decided to come after all because she said she saw my dress and "god" changed her heart. Sometimes you get lucky, I did.
NTA! I love the line "signing impaired." It sounds like OP is handling this beautifully. Sorry, Mom, but "my fiance can't speak" and "you want the ceremony in English" just can't be reconciled. Like, no amount of arguing and wishing and pouting is going to make that change. He cannot physically say the vows in English! How can the mom be so hard-headed? She's in denial. Congratulations and best wishes to the happy couple.
the parents should be thankful for being invited. and they're even provided with an interpretor! They're the a-holes. the bride sounds lovely and very caring.
I read the article in the link about neighbors who learned to sign after a local new baby was diagnosed as being hearing impaired. Not even family, neighbors! And this bride's parents denied her identity from the very start? https://www.npr.org/2019/12/25/791324876/to-make-girl-who-is-deaf-feel-at-home-dozens-of-neighbors-are-learning-sign-lang
I grew up hard of hearing (only mild to moderate, though) and even then it was pretty isolating. I was from a small town, no Deaf community.
Considering many people teach simple signs to their pre-verbal children quite successfully, seems mom missed the boat! (Seeing a toddler signing "all done!" And "please!" thrills me even as a hearing woman!)
The OP's mom and family are awful. She needs to move far away from them - as far as possible in fact.
Wow, thank you for widening my horizon here! I (hearing) always thought that those implants are like the holy grail for hearing impaired and deaf people. But they make the life easier for the hearing family in the first place, I guess. So they don't have to learn sign language. I love the solution of this couple plus the "signing impaired" joke. Couples should stop worrying about how other people want their weddings.
I heard this story on Two hot takes podcast. They said think of it like instead of ASL it would be french and english.
As a signing impaired i don't understand what is the problem with the cochlear Implants. Why is it so worse than the sign language?
It's a different way of accessing the world, and it has it's advantages and disadvantages. The OP explains why she stopped using her implants in her edit to the post, which is included here. They're not "magic hearing devices" and what the person using them hears can still be hard to understand or uncomfortable. Some people prefer sign language and are fortunate enough to have, or in OP's case seek out, an environment where they don't need to use adaptive technology that they find unhelpful and uncomfortable. Also, not related to what you said but it's a basic safety thing (IMO and from very limited experience) to teach a Deaf or HOH person sign language, even if they primarily rely on another method to hear and communicate. Batteries fail, devices can't get wet, emergencies happen - the parents could have felt that "mainstreaming" their daughter into society was the best choice, but they still could have done that while giving her a backup option - ASL is a useful skill for everyone
Load More Replies... I am a retired teacher of the deaf. I taught deaf kids for 42 years, and have stayed in touch with many of my students as adults. The kids whose parents learned sign language have far less mental problems, they feel part of their family and feel accepted. There are kids whose parents thought that they should just lipread or get an occasional interpreter--those kids grow up without a family and never learn anything about their families because they are denied access to them. That mother should GROW UP, accept the fact that her daughter uses a different but BEAUTIFUL language and learn some sign language skills!
I love this! If the situation was reversed, almost everyone were English speaking and you had an ASL interpreter none would bat an eye. Most of the guests at YOUR wedding are ASL so go with that language, just as if it were Italian or Norwegian. I have no deaf ppl around me so I might not understand your parents point of view, but I would think that all parents would like their child to be happy.
I understand that many among the deaf community don't consider themselves disabled, but they are certainly an often underserved minority. Making a joke about people who are 'signing impaired' is punching up, you were making a joke at the expense of people who are in a privileged position in this scenario (also it is hilarious). OP unfortunately has more serious issues with her parent's messed up relationship to her deafness, and she definitely needs to keep an eye on how they handle her younger brother's autism.
a wedding is about the couple. there are no rules or shoulda's. do what makes YOU smile, the rest of people will fall into step. And if not, you still got to smile :)
Sadly, not teaching a child who has hearing issues ASL is unfortunately common. It is why those implants are so popular and looked down upon by some of those in the deaf community. Cute child reactions in viral videos, but also sold to make your child "normal" in a world they won't be accepted in! and gosh, you'd have to learn ASL too and that could be tough, etc.. That the OP seems to be paying for her brother's schooling definitely tells you these parents do not understand how to accept even their own children which is ridiculously sad and will only be more of an issue going forward especially in the case of grandchildren.
The mother keeps pushing her to be "normal" when she's completely normal. Her mom should be ashamed of herself trying to make her daughter something she's not...hearing. This woman has succeeded in making a life she wants to live despite her parents objections. I'm glad she's found a community where she feels accepted.
The Magnus Chase series made me fall in love with sign language, so my little brother and I started learning. We know a little bit, I know more, but I don't quite have the time to keep going. Of course, I'll try, mostly because knowing ASL would be absolutely EPIC. I love Hearthstone :).
I took ASL classes because I just always wanted to learn. I knew finger spelling from when I was a kid. It is so interesting to learn the deaf culture. Signs for the same thing don't just vary from country to country, the vary from region to region. The grammar is French grammar because a Frenchman invented it. The coolest thing is, although her little daughter can hear, our teacher, of course started teaching her ASL very early. At an age when hearing kids can't talk yet, her daughter was able to ask for more "milk" because she had been already taught the sign for it. While I was taking classes I had a deaf patient. I wasn't very good at ASL so I switched to finger spelling. She laughed so hard at my "accent". I gave up and used good old pen and paper. At least we both had a good laugh.
It's really sad that the parents weren't guided to communities and resources that would have helped them integrate themselves and their daughter into the deaf community. Instead, it seems they see deafness as an undesirable embarrassment. Furthermore, it would seem they have had plenty of opportunities since that time to get involved with the deaf community, and have chosen not to. I'm so glad this woman has found people who share and respect her experiences and her choices. Sounds like she is doing things exactly as they should be done, and at this point, to hell with what the parents think. They clearly checked out a long time ago.
This mother is selfish and toxic. How can you accept an autistic child and his special needs but not a daughter who is deaf? ASL is a beautiful language and it alone gives independence to a deaf person. I cannot believe the way this mother thinks. My heart goes out to this lady who has lived a life without truly being able to communicate happily. This makes me so mad! I cannot fathom this. I'm at a loss for words! I wish the bride and groom happiness! I hope they stick to their wedding plans.
Due to a botched operation I was left with partial hearing at 14. Not being totally deaf and not having full hearing is the worst, you belong nowhere and no one will compromise to help. Tried learning sign language but the course was designed for the hearing so did not work for me, no hearing in that ear so nothing to help. I think she was very lucky she had both to help her instead of none like me..
Brilliant idea! As long as the signing impaired are accommodated, go for it!
Erika, I don't think she is looking for sympathy, just support. I think she also wants her mother to realize that people who have no reason to side with her, do, because the decision about implants and her wedding are her decisions to make!
Load More Replies... As one who is Hard of Hearing, I can understand the sentiment of the OP. I lost most of my hearing from disease, over the course of a year. Before that I had very good hearing. I now use hearing aids. They are not a replacement for good hearing. I can't listen to two things at once anymore because the sounds become a muddle. If watching tv and my wife says something, I have to turn the sound down and have her repeat. If listening to music, I can't carry on a conversation. Any background noise interferes with my understanding of what someone is saying. And this is typical of hearing aid users. Now, the sound quality of hearing aids is much better than that of cochlear implants, so I cannot imagine what a chore it would be trying to understand someone through a CI. So, I vote NTA
Load More Replies... Oh f**k off Karenl, no one cares about you or your hurt, triggered fweelings
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