This Woman Perfectly Explains Weaponized Incompetence, And It Might Open Your Eyes
It’s fine, never mind. Don’t worry, I’ll just do it myself then. It’s easier for me to handle anyway. Do these phrases (often accompanied by a sigh) ever escape your mouth when speaking to your partner? Especially when they push off domestic tasks and consistently try to get off the hook? If the answer is yes, you might experience weaponized incompetence — or strategic incompetence as it’s sometimes called — in action, a phenomenon that has taken TikTok and other social media sites by storm.
The term refers to a behavior pattern when someone pretends to be bad at simple tasks — when they actually know how to do them — to get out of shared responsibilities. The hashtag for the phrase currently has over 65 million views on TikTok, but let’s face it, it’s something many women have been dealing with all their lives.
Joy Malonza, a co-host of the Sip & Politic podcast, have recently taken up the challenge to explain this behavior tactic, what it means, and what it looks like. So continue scrolling to learn all about it, read on to find the conversation it sparked on the platform, and be sure to share with us if you’ve ever experienced anything like this in the comments.
Weaponized incompetence, a phrase that is currently trending on TikTok, refers to partners pretending to be bad at basic household tasks to shrink responsibilities
Image credits: sip.and.politic
Joy, a co-host of the Sip & Politic podcast, recently explained the phenomenon in detail
Image credits: sip.and.politic
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual photo)
You can watch the full video right here
@sip.and.politic Replying to @thedownballot.org #greenscreenvideo #greenscreen #weaponizedincompentence #weaponizedmediocrity #weaponizedinconpetence #weaponizedincompetense #abolishmenwithpodcasts #menwithpodcasts #menwithpodcastsshutup #menwithpodcast #domesticlabor #domesticlaborisstilllabor #domesticlaborislabor #domesticlaboriswork #unpaidlabor #unpaidlaborofwomen #unpaiddomesticlabor #podcast #leftist ♬ original sound – sip.and.politic
Interestingly, a survey from Yelp and OnePoll found that 80% of chore-doing people living with a partner have disagreements about housework, with one-fifth of those saying they disagree often. It found that the most common disputes revolved around when to do the housework (53%), how to do it (50%), and who should do it (48%). Alarmingly, 61% even admitted they’d cleaned the home again after their partner did.
But the popularity of the topic shows that weaponized incompetence sparks a broader conversation. It seems that a lot of partners play tricks to get themselves off the hook, consequently adding additional domestic labor for their loved ones to bear in the relationship. After seeing countless videos of people making fun of their partner’s inability to perform simple tasks, and the degree to which they have to handhold them, the message that comes across is clear — “I won’t do it, so you do it”.
Emily Mendez, M.S. EdS, explained that weaponized incompetence is harmful to both partners. It can damage the relationship and create an imbalance between two people, especially if one clearly puts in more effort than the other. When one half feels like the other fails to offer help or show support and respect for their efforts, the relationship dynamics can quickly become filled with resentment, friction, and distance.
Moreover, Mendez noted this behavior pattern can also be seen as a manipulation tactic as the person steers others to do their work for them. But this is not always the case. “Maybe the partner doesn’t realize that they are doing this, maybe they don’t feel competent, or it may just be a lack of self-confidence and not necessarily manipulation,” Mendez added.
Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of strategic incompetence, the first step is to address their behaviors and talk everything through to clear up any misunderstandings. Try starting an honest conversation about tasks that worry you, and figure out how your partner can contribute their fair share. But remember, this endeavor may require a lot of patience from your side.
Another important step is to set clear boundaries and stick to them. “Communicate this to your partner and work with them to ensure that tasks are split up evenly,” Mendez said.
Bored Panda would love to hear your thoughts about the topic. What do you think of weaponized incompetence? Do you agree with this approach? Feel free to share your opinions, as well as personal experiences, in the comments.
Many viewers applauded this perspective and chimed in with their own experiences in the comments
My prick of a husband is like that, and I will never forgive him for acting like that when I got sick to the point where I could not perform normal daily tasks for months and he just let the house get so filthy. Like he didn't clean the bathroom once in a whole month !!! When I confronted him, his answer was that "he didn't see it was dirty, and I just had to ask." I cannot wait to ditch his sorry a.ss and kick him out of my house. It'll be single life for me and my cats from then on. Maybe not all men are like that, but there's enough of these entitled douchebags out there that, apart from my dad, at 40 I still haven't met a single one who thought of doind any chores without having to be constantly asked or reminded.
By telling you 'all you have to do is ask' he's assigning you into housekeeper role and avoiding responsibility, your life will be amazing without him. I hope he grows up before he inflicts this on anyone else
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Awesome analysis! It changed my perspective. I think co-workers do this, too: leave the undesirable tasks to the lowest status employees. "But you're so much better at this kind of thing!," they say. Or, "Oh, I never notice things like that." It's a kind of gaslighting. Pretending to be incompetent when they're actually displaying dominance.
I finally started listing all the household tasks I do every day to my husband. He was horrified and started doing a lot more of them. We agreed that we'd rather be equals and not play mommy-baby with each other anymore. Real men do their share.
This is why I never married. Rather be a happy 'spinster' than deal with this bs.
This is one of many reasons I aspire to be a 'spinster' when I am older. There's so much bull that you won't have to deal with if you just don't get married
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Misogyny is so ingrained in our society (most societies) that most of us, men and women, don't see it. One place I see this often is with cleaning the toilet, closing the toilet seat, etc. I'm a man, and I clean the toilets most often in our household because my wife shouldn't have to wipe up the spray and stray pubes of me or her sons who are all a decade+ out of potty training. Their mother has been doing everything for them. I know it comes from a place of love, and there is some cultural (non-US) pressure for mothers to treat their sons like infants. But, I'm not having it. As an experiment, I left several cupboards in the kitchen open. The boys all recognized that that wasn't right, and closed them. spill some milk on the floor? Even if it's just a drop they will make an attempt at cleaning it. BUT! closing the toilet seat? Literally the cover of a sh*!hole--they couldn't be bothered. Spray the floor? Not their problem.
My husband is so committed to not being like this. There are things I’d like him to do but he makes sure he’s not creating more work for me. He actively dislikes this kind of helpless behavior. Lectures out boys about not peeing the seat and making sure it’s put down again. We are not going to tolerate this behavior in our house. This analysis is really interesting and thought provoking.
Agreed. The only take I didn't agree with in full was the outsourcing of tasks because we feel it's beneath us. Maybe that's true for the super wealthy like Bill Gates, but in my perspective, it has to do with the value of my time and the previlge I have to do some things for me. For instance, no one wanted to clean the bathrooms or mop the floor as often as it needs to get done. We realized we had the finances to hire a cleaning person twice a month. She gets paid (well, I might add), and my husband and I can take that stress off our plate. We have two little boys and both work full time, so this helps tremendously.
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I was married for 11 years, together for 13 and in all that time my ex washed dishes once and when I'd b!tch because he woudn't help with cleaning the house he'd always say "I pick up my socks!"
I like that the internet is a place for sharing these things - esp with suburbs, women get so isolated, just comparing notes doesn't happen (alongside cultural expectations). Consistently surprised that it is so new for so many ppl - v sad abt that - but also v glad it gets shared.
I just broke my foot. Sitting here,not allowed to weight bear on it. Got the Diagnose two days ago. No vacuuming (four kids,four dogs), no cloth washing, no bathroom cleaning...no picking up stuff ... I don't even know where he is at the moment. I started to look for outside help, I am just to tired to go on make him do it ...
How old are your kids? If they can pick up after themselves, they can do some things to help you. If they are young(,under 10,) the husband should help or help pay for housekeeper for you
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When I was a teenager I was expected to clean the bathtub after I had a bath or shower. My TWO YEARS OLDER brother never had to - my mother would scurry into the bathroom and clean it after he finished. No wonder he got married at age 18, he needed a replacement mommy before moving out of the house.
Same here. I remember how I was supportive to clean the kitchen, my 2years older brother would come and wreck it again - and I got punished for it.
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This reminds me of that guy trying to make his girlfriend make him lunch when she said no. Decided to sulk, that restaurants and gas stations aren't a thing. Guess how frequently in the comments she was called an ah for not serving him. Situations like that are where it starts, and a majority of people will jump on "she should just do it! It only takes 5 minutes!" Like yeah, 5 minutes today and a new chore he could easily do on his own till death or divorce.
My thought on that was why didn't he make his own lunch the night before. I used to do the lunches for three people and I always did it while I was cleaning up from dinner. My boyfriend at the time was perfectly capable and would do it but as I was doing mine and my daughter's it made sense to do his as well.
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My soon to be ex husband was always like that. We were together for 7 years and married for 3. I just couldn't take it anymore, after our babygirl was born I didnt had a life. I worked 8h to 10h per day, took care of our daughter, took care of the dog, did groceries, took care of the bills and all of the housework. I was sleeping maybe 4h a night. When we broke up he said that I never said anything about how tired I was. I.was.falling.asleep.on.the.floor while taking care of our daughter!! Now we are almost divorced, I'm more motivated at my work, have more friends AND Im so much a better mommy to my baby because I'm not always waiting for her to fall asleep so I can do housework. It was hard cause I still had feelings for him but if I stayed I would be falling in a worrying state of depression. Now I'm in a new relationship where we divide every chore and worry.
I've been saying this for... years... YEARS... decades, actually - and I've been told I'm just a bad partner/family member. Glad it's now coming out as what it really is - jackholeyness. They treat it as a free-pass to not give a sh** - like... if you're so sick, you're barely able to stand... why is it *necessary* for the partner to be literally ASKED "Can you take the dog out?"... I've found it's so that they can add it to the list of "so i did this favour for you..."
True. The comparison with children exists as a coping mechanism for women.
There’s also “your standards are too high and I don’t care, so you do it.”
My ex used to look at me and go 'do I have any clean underwear?' or go 'You could've asked me to do so and so' every time. I turned the tables and started asking him whether I had any clean underwear left and I stopped doing general groceries until he got upset with me and I told him 'you could've just asked me, I didn't notice we were out of food'. It was like he saw water burning and then I left him.
It all starts in their childhood. Their father was likely like this, and their mothers enabled it. This is all they know. Glad some women are finally putting their foot down. Enough with this, seriously.
Women have been trying to put their feet down for centuries. It's just that in ye olden times, they'd be burned at the stake or the like.
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I had to teach my friend, a very hairy man who is 9 years older than female me, how to shave his own face because his significant others had been coerced into doing it for him in all his relationships.
He must have been quite persuasive that you were the first to put your foot down.
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It's funny because my wife pretty much does the same thing to me (she doesn't know how to run the washing machine, the few times in over 30 years she's done the dishes I wind up having to do them again anyway, she will cook when pressed but will refuse to use any spices, her "I'll do the cleaning" winds up seeing me doing most of it because she can't reach or it's too heavy for her etc.) but she gets congratulated on having learned how to manipulate me. Is her incompetence weaponized?
Yes. Obviously 'too heavy' can be an issue but buy some steps for the 'can't reach'. If she's accepting congratulations for manipulating you then she's manipulating you - if not surely she'd protest. Any fool can learn how to use a washing machine and clean dishes properly. I don't see this as being funny at all. Either what she does is perfectly fine and you have ridiculous standards or she's absolutely going for the weaponised incompetence.
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I can definitely seem some men doing this. But, I think a lot of you are giving your men too much credit in thinking they're doing this intentionally or even subconsciously. The main difference, is just that the women care more about it then men. And you can say, well it's both of your house." And therefore the man should clean to the same standard as the woman. But, then the power dynamic is solely on the woman making the "rules" their husband has to live by to meet their standard. And then simply claiming that is some type is universal standard that the man is shirking his responsibilities. Which, is just putting themselves into the "mother" position and making the rules for a grown a*s man. And in my house my wife and I both work 40hrs outside of the house. I do all of the traditionally "man" jobs like mowing the lawn, taking out trash, etc. But I also do all the cooking, and care more about the house being clean so clean more than my wife.
I think there are too many types of people for it to be just one thing or another. It's rarely that hard & fast. Some will 'weaponise' their incompetence & some will just be incompetent & a wide range will exist between. What sensible adults should do is discuss & agree what they think is equitable & learn from each other. In my household there is some traditional approach to a few tasks - he takes out the bins & mows. The bins are heavy so it's easier for him. I like mowing but can't pull a cord hard/fast enough to start the old petrol mower (I'd have chosen electric) so he usually does it or starts it for me. He was rubbish at cooking but happy to help peel & chop. If I dropped off my perch he'd be able to fend for himself with cooking now because he realised that knowing what to do with food is just sensible. The rest gets shared. People should talk to each other & come up with an agreement that gets reviewed from time to time.
Load More Replies... Not all men are like that & not all women go along. My husband isn't perfect but he's capable of doing every known house chore on his own. Getting married is kind of like what happens when you bring a puppy home - what you let the puppy get away with the first day is what the puppy will expect going forward.
There are a lot of men in here with valid arguments and yet they are being downvoted by some pretty toxic people who simply cannot share in a debate. You know downvoting gets people banned, and yet there you go. Just because it's a man that is disagreeing with a post bashing a generalisation of men, they get downvoted? Wow. I thought we were all past that... Clearly not. Anyone downvoting a legitimate comment is truly a scumbag.
Or perhaps not scumbags but uninformed that this can happen. It would help if those of us who found the post thoughtful chimed in.
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This happens in lesbian relationships also, where it's especially frustrating.
I believe Bill Cosby alluded to this tactic a long time ago in one of his stand-up routines. If we ever needed another reason to denounce this behaviour, there it is.
Without denying the existence and negative influence of the patriarchy, or the fact that many men do things to manipulate their wives, or the fact that I am, myself, a man; OP sounds like someone who has had a bad experience in a relationship, and their complaint borders on being an incoherent rant. That fact that Bill Gates does not know the cost of a carton of milk is irrelevant. He outsources knowledge, as do we all. Everyone uses products, systems, services and so on that they do not, themselves, understand. In Bill's case, it's buying groceries, in yours, it's how a computer works (which I suspect Bill Gates knows far more about than most of us). As for men "weaponizing" incompetence, I would guess that, firstly, BOTH partners in most relationships outsource knowledge and abilities to their partners.
There's nothing wrong with this. My wife never takes out the trash, has no idea about basic computer functions, and (apparently) cannot change a lightbulb. But I love her anyway. I'm sure weaponizing exists, but it seems to me that we shouldn't automatically accuse all outsourcers of weaponizing.
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And if weaponized incompetence does not work, then feigning illness might. If that doesn't work, then a quick trip to the store for supplies will end up taking several hours. A whole lot of effort for one man simply too damn lazy to clean up his own messes.
The only thing I disagree with is that it's mostly men, the are woman who use the same tactic. Don't get me wrong, my wife does he fair share but there are things she acts as if she has no clue when she isn't interested. I learned to just smile and move the f on. I love her, but I'm nobody's b***h.
I've struggled with the issue of division of labor/responsibility with my wife on and off for the decade we've been married. I knew I'd have to deal with it from the time we were just dating. Her living space was an absolute mess when we first met, strewn with clothes and general clutter. I have to be careful because my personal standards of cleanliness are higher than hers and so I'm usually the first to get upset about a condition and I just take care of it because I'm also averse to confrontation/ find it easier than reminding her to do the thing. There has been a couple of times I burnout because I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, meal planning, yard work, house maintenance etc. Then I realize I need to ask her to take responsibility for something, anything, so I have time for anything fun/fulfilling for myself. Things are a bit better now that the yard is dormant and less demanding and she has stepped up and taken responsibility for the laundry.
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I don't think she is taking laziness and apathy into account. I treat my wife as an equal, but I don't care that a shelf of knickknacks has a layer of dust on it, and I'm too lazy/forgetful/distracted to do other chores most of the time, not that they are her duties.
When you say you are too "lazy/forgetful/distracted" to do chores most of the time, who do you think that burden falls on? Your wife. I realize you said that they aren't her duties, but let's be honest - *someone* has to do them, and if you can't be bothered to do any of it, then you must know she will. Your words say you treat your wife as an equal, but your actions say you treat her as the maid.
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It happens the way around too. My son worked in weather hard conditions bought fast food or got home clean house and cook, do the laundry clean feed the cats meanwhile his stay at home wife (no children) will chat whole day. i know cause I witnessed it. he finally left her after 14 years of slavery.
Hmm. Very narrow minded to generalise an entire section of society like this. I've never had a boyfriend that behaved this way - I've known friends that have had had the odd one like this, but I haven't. The majority of men don't. This isn't a character flaw in 'cishet' men. It's a character flaw in people (of all types) who haven't been raised very well. I am getting really tired of people demonising men.
Too bad reasonable comments like this get buried on bp
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I used to get offended when my wife would sweep right after I had finished sweeping, then one day she put together an Ikea desk without me. I had to wait till she was gone to fix it. So now I don’t get upset but I am stuck wondering am I as bad at sweeping as she is at constructing Ikea furniture?
Maybe that's a conversation you should actually have. Some people are too picky about how a task has been performed and it's actually been done sufficiently, and some people don't do a task well. Only you two can work that one out.
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Can I ask one thing? "Some males.' I clean, I cook, I do the dishes, I tend the garden, I shop and work two jobs. And it is good like that, because this is the way we are organized. But I refuse to carry the burden for all the males now and in history who didn't do their share.
My old teacher had a saying she added whenever she talked to the whole class about some issue or another: she said, "if it ain't your shirt, just don't put it on". The admonishment or issue at hand nevertheless remained relevant and true enough to warrant a broad statement, but I advise *everyone* to know which shirt is theirs, and which one they themselves don't have to wear. This is not your shirt. It nevertheless needs to be worn by more than you might think.
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Use of "cishet" immediately invalidates your argument. Next time speak like a proper person instead of a human becoming.
Have had a number of friends and co-workers with male partners like this that they moved on from and most if not all saw the light when they noticed that "he" could not be bothered to wash own dishes or clothes or even remove skid marks from the toilet bowl when it was just "them" at home but as soon as there were external people visiting the skid marks were scrubbed, the lid down, the dishes were done etc etc. So it was obvious they knew how to do it and noticed when it needed to be done. As this lady said they just chose not to do it because "she" was good enough for that. Makes you glad to not have someone like that at home
Contrary to the claim, CEO's and similar people don't export the tasks to others because it's too "menial" for them. They export them, because they don't have the time, or, taking the their time to go buy a bottle of milk, could literally cost them a few hundred quid in terms of time, and this is why it is more efficient to hire someone else to do these "menial" tasks, with the difference that someone gets PAID to do it, not that they are not capable of doing it... Exporting the tasks just because you can't be bothered, is something entirely different.
How do you not figure out that these men are the way they are BEFORE getting married/commited together? That's when you find out if that's a man or a boy you're with. And he's NOT going to change after marriage or kids. "Honey, I just finished the laundry and vacuuming so I need you to clean the bathroom before dinner. Okay?" might also work. Also, just because there's a question mark after "okay" doesn't mean it's a question. He needs to understand that.
I have a controversial take. If the little hairs in the sink only bothers YOU. If the base boards not being cleaned only bothers YOU. If the carpet not being vaccumed every other day only bothers YOU. It makes sense that YOU should be prepared to shoulder the majority of the responsibility of dealing with said things, so YOU are more comfortable. That goes for both men and women. If YOU are obsessed with the bed being made every morning and it doesn't bother me, do I need to make it every morning so YOU aren't bothered?
Weaponized Incompetence. I think that's what happens when guys go from living at home with mom doing everything to living with a woman. They can't do anything for themselves. Sorry excuse for a mature human.
The ignorance of of the people who act this way has nothing to do with their gender or sexual preference and I find it extremely offensive that this video is lauded by people whose ignorance rivals that of the creator. Some people are jerks. If you think being a jerk can be tied to some demographic, then you're also a jerk. I'm disappointed, BP.
1) I stayed singled (dated off and on) for several years after a divorce, so I can take care of my own sh*t. 2) DAFUQ is a cishit and why does everything/one need a lable these days?
Cis means your gender conforms to your sex and het means heterosexual. Cishet.
Load More Replies... Love how through the whole article it's written " Men are this" and "Men are that". Not "Some men are ...". This just keeps the hatred going.
Not at all Andrew, but a female prefrontal cortex develops earlier than a males and therefore, we are well equipped to understand the nuances of this statement and are well aware it doesn’t apply to every single living man on this planet. But we don’t have to be completely pedantic to get the point across.
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We know it's not all men. Sheesh. My husband is not like this at all and we have a very equitable stance to household chores. But many men are. That's her perspective because that's what her experiences have been. She didn't call out all men. Just the ones she knows.
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Seriously men, take notes: Keep track of the : I don't know how to start the mower, how do you check he oil in the car?, can you take the trash out (I am the only one apprently qualfied to roll the cans to the curb), cut the grass, hook up the trailer, install a printer, clear the gutters, fire up the grill, get the car washed, drive a screw, kill a freeking bug.....yeah, this game ends in a tie... Men just don't keep score of EVERYTHING like many women.
People vary. I agree that women do this too, but many will do the non-daily chores you list. People should talk and agree what works for them. I do most the IT in our house, I mow the lawns. Depends on the bugs, he hates wasps so I deal with them. It SHOULD end in a tie but between the individual couples. Not as a gender war as within these vast categories there will be so many variables as to skills, abilities and preferences. Not being able to discuss it and agree it would be a deal breaker for me. People don't have to put up with these things and end up bitter Jay.
Load More Replies... Sexist much? look at all the female commnets. Now ladies: Women do this all the time. After dozens and dozens of times, somehow we men still have to start/tend the fire she wanted lit, figure out the "tech thing" she messed up, put air in the car tires, plunger the toilet she keeps putting wads of tp down......etc.
Why is he getting down voted? He is talking the same generalized sh@t as some of the ones man hating. Can't talk about the other side of the coin? Fact of the matter, no one is perfect. These gender generalizations got to stop. No one is without their faults.
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He says, whinging... Where women are using weaponised incompetence, fine, you'd have a point but men having a share of household tasks which might be particular ones is not the same thing. DIY and fighting burglars doesn't tend to be a daily or weekly task in most instances! As for the job thing - hardly the fault of women. Men are largely responsible for how the working world has turned out so blame yourselves.
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I agree that a lack of instruction in childhood can cause this problem, BUT once you become an adult and you want to be in a partnership with someone, it is necessary to learn how to function in ways that are equitable for you and your partner, yes, even if you have to teach yourself. We're talking about meal planning, cooking, bill paying, and simple housekeeping and cleaning, ffs...not rocket science!
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My prick of a husband is like that, and I will never forgive him for acting like that when I got sick to the point where I could not perform normal daily tasks for months and he just let the house get so filthy. Like he didn't clean the bathroom once in a whole month !!! When I confronted him, his answer was that "he didn't see it was dirty, and I just had to ask." I cannot wait to ditch his sorry a.ss and kick him out of my house. It'll be single life for me and my cats from then on. Maybe not all men are like that, but there's enough of these entitled douchebags out there that, apart from my dad, at 40 I still haven't met a single one who thought of doind any chores without having to be constantly asked or reminded.
By telling you 'all you have to do is ask' he's assigning you into housekeeper role and avoiding responsibility, your life will be amazing without him. I hope he grows up before he inflicts this on anyone else
Load More Replies... Awesome analysis! It changed my perspective. I think co-workers do this, too: leave the undesirable tasks to the lowest status employees. "But you're so much better at this kind of thing!," they say. Or, "Oh, I never notice things like that." It's a kind of gaslighting. Pretending to be incompetent when they're actually displaying dominance.
I finally started listing all the household tasks I do every day to my husband. He was horrified and started doing a lot more of them. We agreed that we'd rather be equals and not play mommy-baby with each other anymore. Real men do their share.
This is why I never married. Rather be a happy 'spinster' than deal with this bs.
This is one of many reasons I aspire to be a 'spinster' when I am older. There's so much bull that you won't have to deal with if you just don't get married
Load More Replies... Misogyny is so ingrained in our society (most societies) that most of us, men and women, don't see it. One place I see this often is with cleaning the toilet, closing the toilet seat, etc. I'm a man, and I clean the toilets most often in our household because my wife shouldn't have to wipe up the spray and stray pubes of me or her sons who are all a decade+ out of potty training. Their mother has been doing everything for them. I know it comes from a place of love, and there is some cultural (non-US) pressure for mothers to treat their sons like infants. But, I'm not having it. As an experiment, I left several cupboards in the kitchen open. The boys all recognized that that wasn't right, and closed them. spill some milk on the floor? Even if it's just a drop they will make an attempt at cleaning it. BUT! closing the toilet seat? Literally the cover of a sh*!hole--they couldn't be bothered. Spray the floor? Not their problem.
My husband is so committed to not being like this. There are things I’d like him to do but he makes sure he’s not creating more work for me. He actively dislikes this kind of helpless behavior. Lectures out boys about not peeing the seat and making sure it’s put down again. We are not going to tolerate this behavior in our house. This analysis is really interesting and thought provoking.
Agreed. The only take I didn't agree with in full was the outsourcing of tasks because we feel it's beneath us. Maybe that's true for the super wealthy like Bill Gates, but in my perspective, it has to do with the value of my time and the previlge I have to do some things for me. For instance, no one wanted to clean the bathrooms or mop the floor as often as it needs to get done. We realized we had the finances to hire a cleaning person twice a month. She gets paid (well, I might add), and my husband and I can take that stress off our plate. We have two little boys and both work full time, so this helps tremendously.
Load More Replies... I was married for 11 years, together for 13 and in all that time my ex washed dishes once and when I'd b!tch because he woudn't help with cleaning the house he'd always say "I pick up my socks!"
I like that the internet is a place for sharing these things - esp with suburbs, women get so isolated, just comparing notes doesn't happen (alongside cultural expectations). Consistently surprised that it is so new for so many ppl - v sad abt that - but also v glad it gets shared.
I just broke my foot. Sitting here,not allowed to weight bear on it. Got the Diagnose two days ago. No vacuuming (four kids,four dogs), no cloth washing, no bathroom cleaning...no picking up stuff ... I don't even know where he is at the moment. I started to look for outside help, I am just to tired to go on make him do it ...
How old are your kids? If they can pick up after themselves, they can do some things to help you. If they are young(,under 10,) the husband should help or help pay for housekeeper for you
Load More Replies... When I was a teenager I was expected to clean the bathtub after I had a bath or shower. My TWO YEARS OLDER brother never had to - my mother would scurry into the bathroom and clean it after he finished. No wonder he got married at age 18, he needed a replacement mommy before moving out of the house.
Same here. I remember how I was supportive to clean the kitchen, my 2years older brother would come and wreck it again - and I got punished for it.
Load More Replies... This reminds me of that guy trying to make his girlfriend make him lunch when she said no. Decided to sulk, that restaurants and gas stations aren't a thing. Guess how frequently in the comments she was called an ah for not serving him. Situations like that are where it starts, and a majority of people will jump on "she should just do it! It only takes 5 minutes!" Like yeah, 5 minutes today and a new chore he could easily do on his own till death or divorce.
My thought on that was why didn't he make his own lunch the night before. I used to do the lunches for three people and I always did it while I was cleaning up from dinner. My boyfriend at the time was perfectly capable and would do it but as I was doing mine and my daughter's it made sense to do his as well.
Load More Replies... My soon to be ex husband was always like that. We were together for 7 years and married for 3. I just couldn't take it anymore, after our babygirl was born I didnt had a life. I worked 8h to 10h per day, took care of our daughter, took care of the dog, did groceries, took care of the bills and all of the housework. I was sleeping maybe 4h a night. When we broke up he said that I never said anything about how tired I was. I.was.falling.asleep.on.the.floor while taking care of our daughter!! Now we are almost divorced, I'm more motivated at my work, have more friends AND Im so much a better mommy to my baby because I'm not always waiting for her to fall asleep so I can do housework. It was hard cause I still had feelings for him but if I stayed I would be falling in a worrying state of depression. Now I'm in a new relationship where we divide every chore and worry.
I've been saying this for... years... YEARS... decades, actually - and I've been told I'm just a bad partner/family member. Glad it's now coming out as what it really is - jackholeyness. They treat it as a free-pass to not give a sh** - like... if you're so sick, you're barely able to stand... why is it *necessary* for the partner to be literally ASKED "Can you take the dog out?"... I've found it's so that they can add it to the list of "so i did this favour for you..."
True. The comparison with children exists as a coping mechanism for women.
There’s also “your standards are too high and I don’t care, so you do it.”
My ex used to look at me and go 'do I have any clean underwear?' or go 'You could've asked me to do so and so' every time. I turned the tables and started asking him whether I had any clean underwear left and I stopped doing general groceries until he got upset with me and I told him 'you could've just asked me, I didn't notice we were out of food'. It was like he saw water burning and then I left him.
It all starts in their childhood. Their father was likely like this, and their mothers enabled it. This is all they know. Glad some women are finally putting their foot down. Enough with this, seriously.
Women have been trying to put their feet down for centuries. It's just that in ye olden times, they'd be burned at the stake or the like.
Load More Replies... I had to teach my friend, a very hairy man who is 9 years older than female me, how to shave his own face because his significant others had been coerced into doing it for him in all his relationships.
He must have been quite persuasive that you were the first to put your foot down.
Load More Replies... It's funny because my wife pretty much does the same thing to me (she doesn't know how to run the washing machine, the few times in over 30 years she's done the dishes I wind up having to do them again anyway, she will cook when pressed but will refuse to use any spices, her "I'll do the cleaning" winds up seeing me doing most of it because she can't reach or it's too heavy for her etc.) but she gets congratulated on having learned how to manipulate me. Is her incompetence weaponized?
Yes. Obviously 'too heavy' can be an issue but buy some steps for the 'can't reach'. If she's accepting congratulations for manipulating you then she's manipulating you - if not surely she'd protest. Any fool can learn how to use a washing machine and clean dishes properly. I don't see this as being funny at all. Either what she does is perfectly fine and you have ridiculous standards or she's absolutely going for the weaponised incompetence.
Load More Replies... I can definitely seem some men doing this. But, I think a lot of you are giving your men too much credit in thinking they're doing this intentionally or even subconsciously. The main difference, is just that the women care more about it then men. And you can say, well it's both of your house." And therefore the man should clean to the same standard as the woman. But, then the power dynamic is solely on the woman making the "rules" their husband has to live by to meet their standard. And then simply claiming that is some type is universal standard that the man is shirking his responsibilities. Which, is just putting themselves into the "mother" position and making the rules for a grown a*s man. And in my house my wife and I both work 40hrs outside of the house. I do all of the traditionally "man" jobs like mowing the lawn, taking out trash, etc. But I also do all the cooking, and care more about the house being clean so clean more than my wife.
I think there are too many types of people for it to be just one thing or another. It's rarely that hard & fast. Some will 'weaponise' their incompetence & some will just be incompetent & a wide range will exist between. What sensible adults should do is discuss & agree what they think is equitable & learn from each other. In my household there is some traditional approach to a few tasks - he takes out the bins & mows. The bins are heavy so it's easier for him. I like mowing but can't pull a cord hard/fast enough to start the old petrol mower (I'd have chosen electric) so he usually does it or starts it for me. He was rubbish at cooking but happy to help peel & chop. If I dropped off my perch he'd be able to fend for himself with cooking now because he realised that knowing what to do with food is just sensible. The rest gets shared. People should talk to each other & come up with an agreement that gets reviewed from time to time.
Load More Replies... Not all men are like that & not all women go along. My husband isn't perfect but he's capable of doing every known house chore on his own. Getting married is kind of like what happens when you bring a puppy home - what you let the puppy get away with the first day is what the puppy will expect going forward.
There are a lot of men in here with valid arguments and yet they are being downvoted by some pretty toxic people who simply cannot share in a debate. You know downvoting gets people banned, and yet there you go. Just because it's a man that is disagreeing with a post bashing a generalisation of men, they get downvoted? Wow. I thought we were all past that... Clearly not. Anyone downvoting a legitimate comment is truly a scumbag.
Or perhaps not scumbags but uninformed that this can happen. It would help if those of us who found the post thoughtful chimed in.
Load More Replies... This happens in lesbian relationships also, where it's especially frustrating.
I believe Bill Cosby alluded to this tactic a long time ago in one of his stand-up routines. If we ever needed another reason to denounce this behaviour, there it is.
Without denying the existence and negative influence of the patriarchy, or the fact that many men do things to manipulate their wives, or the fact that I am, myself, a man; OP sounds like someone who has had a bad experience in a relationship, and their complaint borders on being an incoherent rant. That fact that Bill Gates does not know the cost of a carton of milk is irrelevant. He outsources knowledge, as do we all. Everyone uses products, systems, services and so on that they do not, themselves, understand. In Bill's case, it's buying groceries, in yours, it's how a computer works (which I suspect Bill Gates knows far more about than most of us). As for men "weaponizing" incompetence, I would guess that, firstly, BOTH partners in most relationships outsource knowledge and abilities to their partners.
There's nothing wrong with this. My wife never takes out the trash, has no idea about basic computer functions, and (apparently) cannot change a lightbulb. But I love her anyway. I'm sure weaponizing exists, but it seems to me that we shouldn't automatically accuse all outsourcers of weaponizing.
Load More Replies... And if weaponized incompetence does not work, then feigning illness might. If that doesn't work, then a quick trip to the store for supplies will end up taking several hours. A whole lot of effort for one man simply too damn lazy to clean up his own messes.
The only thing I disagree with is that it's mostly men, the are woman who use the same tactic. Don't get me wrong, my wife does he fair share but there are things she acts as if she has no clue when she isn't interested. I learned to just smile and move the f on. I love her, but I'm nobody's b***h.
I've struggled with the issue of division of labor/responsibility with my wife on and off for the decade we've been married. I knew I'd have to deal with it from the time we were just dating. Her living space was an absolute mess when we first met, strewn with clothes and general clutter. I have to be careful because my personal standards of cleanliness are higher than hers and so I'm usually the first to get upset about a condition and I just take care of it because I'm also averse to confrontation/ find it easier than reminding her to do the thing. There has been a couple of times I burnout because I'm doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, meal planning, yard work, house maintenance etc. Then I realize I need to ask her to take responsibility for something, anything, so I have time for anything fun/fulfilling for myself. Things are a bit better now that the yard is dormant and less demanding and she has stepped up and taken responsibility for the laundry.
Load More Replies... I don't think she is taking laziness and apathy into account. I treat my wife as an equal, but I don't care that a shelf of knickknacks has a layer of dust on it, and I'm too lazy/forgetful/distracted to do other chores most of the time, not that they are her duties.
When you say you are too "lazy/forgetful/distracted" to do chores most of the time, who do you think that burden falls on? Your wife. I realize you said that they aren't her duties, but let's be honest - *someone* has to do them, and if you can't be bothered to do any of it, then you must know she will. Your words say you treat your wife as an equal, but your actions say you treat her as the maid.
Load More Replies... It happens the way around too. My son worked in weather hard conditions bought fast food or got home clean house and cook, do the laundry clean feed the cats meanwhile his stay at home wife (no children) will chat whole day. i know cause I witnessed it. he finally left her after 14 years of slavery.
Hmm. Very narrow minded to generalise an entire section of society like this. I've never had a boyfriend that behaved this way - I've known friends that have had had the odd one like this, but I haven't. The majority of men don't. This isn't a character flaw in 'cishet' men. It's a character flaw in people (of all types) who haven't been raised very well. I am getting really tired of people demonising men.
Too bad reasonable comments like this get buried on bp
Load More Replies... I used to get offended when my wife would sweep right after I had finished sweeping, then one day she put together an Ikea desk without me. I had to wait till she was gone to fix it. So now I don’t get upset but I am stuck wondering am I as bad at sweeping as she is at constructing Ikea furniture?
Maybe that's a conversation you should actually have. Some people are too picky about how a task has been performed and it's actually been done sufficiently, and some people don't do a task well. Only you two can work that one out.
Load More Replies... Can I ask one thing? "Some males.' I clean, I cook, I do the dishes, I tend the garden, I shop and work two jobs. And it is good like that, because this is the way we are organized. But I refuse to carry the burden for all the males now and in history who didn't do their share.
My old teacher had a saying she added whenever she talked to the whole class about some issue or another: she said, "if it ain't your shirt, just don't put it on". The admonishment or issue at hand nevertheless remained relevant and true enough to warrant a broad statement, but I advise *everyone* to know which shirt is theirs, and which one they themselves don't have to wear. This is not your shirt. It nevertheless needs to be worn by more than you might think.
Load More Replies... Use of "cishet" immediately invalidates your argument. Next time speak like a proper person instead of a human becoming.
Have had a number of friends and co-workers with male partners like this that they moved on from and most if not all saw the light when they noticed that "he" could not be bothered to wash own dishes or clothes or even remove skid marks from the toilet bowl when it was just "them" at home but as soon as there were external people visiting the skid marks were scrubbed, the lid down, the dishes were done etc etc. So it was obvious they knew how to do it and noticed when it needed to be done. As this lady said they just chose not to do it because "she" was good enough for that. Makes you glad to not have someone like that at home
Contrary to the claim, CEO's and similar people don't export the tasks to others because it's too "menial" for them. They export them, because they don't have the time, or, taking the their time to go buy a bottle of milk, could literally cost them a few hundred quid in terms of time, and this is why it is more efficient to hire someone else to do these "menial" tasks, with the difference that someone gets PAID to do it, not that they are not capable of doing it... Exporting the tasks just because you can't be bothered, is something entirely different.
How do you not figure out that these men are the way they are BEFORE getting married/commited together? That's when you find out if that's a man or a boy you're with. And he's NOT going to change after marriage or kids. "Honey, I just finished the laundry and vacuuming so I need you to clean the bathroom before dinner. Okay?" might also work. Also, just because there's a question mark after "okay" doesn't mean it's a question. He needs to understand that.
I have a controversial take. If the little hairs in the sink only bothers YOU. If the base boards not being cleaned only bothers YOU. If the carpet not being vaccumed every other day only bothers YOU. It makes sense that YOU should be prepared to shoulder the majority of the responsibility of dealing with said things, so YOU are more comfortable. That goes for both men and women. If YOU are obsessed with the bed being made every morning and it doesn't bother me, do I need to make it every morning so YOU aren't bothered?
Weaponized Incompetence. I think that's what happens when guys go from living at home with mom doing everything to living with a woman. They can't do anything for themselves. Sorry excuse for a mature human.
The ignorance of of the people who act this way has nothing to do with their gender or sexual preference and I find it extremely offensive that this video is lauded by people whose ignorance rivals that of the creator. Some people are jerks. If you think being a jerk can be tied to some demographic, then you're also a jerk. I'm disappointed, BP.
1) I stayed singled (dated off and on) for several years after a divorce, so I can take care of my own sh*t. 2) DAFUQ is a cishit and why does everything/one need a lable these days?
Cis means your gender conforms to your sex and het means heterosexual. Cishet.
Load More Replies... Love how through the whole article it's written " Men are this" and "Men are that". Not "Some men are ...". This just keeps the hatred going.
Not at all Andrew, but a female prefrontal cortex develops earlier than a males and therefore, we are well equipped to understand the nuances of this statement and are well aware it doesn’t apply to every single living man on this planet. But we don’t have to be completely pedantic to get the point across.
Load More Replies... We know it's not all men. Sheesh. My husband is not like this at all and we have a very equitable stance to household chores. But many men are. That's her perspective because that's what her experiences have been. She didn't call out all men. Just the ones she knows.
Load More Replies... Seriously men, take notes: Keep track of the : I don't know how to start the mower, how do you check he oil in the car?, can you take the trash out (I am the only one apprently qualfied to roll the cans to the curb), cut the grass, hook up the trailer, install a printer, clear the gutters, fire up the grill, get the car washed, drive a screw, kill a freeking bug.....yeah, this game ends in a tie... Men just don't keep score of EVERYTHING like many women.
People vary. I agree that women do this too, but many will do the non-daily chores you list. People should talk and agree what works for them. I do most the IT in our house, I mow the lawns. Depends on the bugs, he hates wasps so I deal with them. It SHOULD end in a tie but between the individual couples. Not as a gender war as within these vast categories there will be so many variables as to skills, abilities and preferences. Not being able to discuss it and agree it would be a deal breaker for me. People don't have to put up with these things and end up bitter Jay.
Load More Replies... Sexist much? look at all the female commnets. Now ladies: Women do this all the time. After dozens and dozens of times, somehow we men still have to start/tend the fire she wanted lit, figure out the "tech thing" she messed up, put air in the car tires, plunger the toilet she keeps putting wads of tp down......etc.
Why is he getting down voted? He is talking the same generalized sh@t as some of the ones man hating. Can't talk about the other side of the coin? Fact of the matter, no one is perfect. These gender generalizations got to stop. No one is without their faults.
Load More Replies... He says, whinging... Where women are using weaponised incompetence, fine, you'd have a point but men having a share of household tasks which might be particular ones is not the same thing. DIY and fighting burglars doesn't tend to be a daily or weekly task in most instances! As for the job thing - hardly the fault of women. Men are largely responsible for how the working world has turned out so blame yourselves.
Load More Replies... I agree that a lack of instruction in childhood can cause this problem, BUT once you become an adult and you want to be in a partnership with someone, it is necessary to learn how to function in ways that are equitable for you and your partner, yes, even if you have to teach yourself. We're talking about meal planning, cooking, bill paying, and simple housekeeping and cleaning, ffs...not rocket science!
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