Wife Offers Her Seat To Husband’s Female Friend Who Previously Confessed She Had Feelings For Him And Goes Home, Husband Is Mad She Ruined His 30th Birthday
Each relationship comes with its own unique (or not) set of priorities. You know, things that take precedence above all else to make sure your relationship doesn’t go south. Or any other unwanted cardinal direction.
For instance, if you prioritize your hobby over your significant other, you’re gonna have a very bad time. Or if you suddenly decide “screw relationship rules” and prioritize an old friend who had feelings for you and that was the reason you as a couple decided to distance yourself from this friend, well, then you’re gonna have an extremely bad time.
More Info: Reddit
When you’re in a relationship, you gotta get your priorities straight, because it could lead to a birthday party that’s missing a wife, or something
Image credits: Micah Sittig (not the actual image)
A 27-year-old woman anonymously approached Reddit’s Am I The A-Hole? community with a bit of a problem.
For context, she’s been in a relationship with her husband for 3 years, 5 months of which have been in matrimony. They never really ran into any speed bumps along the way until about a week before their wedding.
One Redditor asked the Am I The A-Hole? community for some perspective on her husband inviting an ‘off-limits’ person to his birthday dinner
Image credits: u/throwrabdayso
Long story short, OP’s husband was friends with a woman who made a move on him, and the result was major fallout
Image credits: u/throwrabdayso
You see, the husband had a close friend named Ava (not a real name). They’d been good friends since high school. However, a week before the wedding, she approached the husband and told him how she really felt about him.
In fact, she asked the husband to call off the wedding, and even broke up with her long-term boyfriend of 6 years to show just how serious she was about this.
Until then, OP had never had a problem with Ava. She understood that the two were friends, good ones, and would actually all hang out together on a regular basis. But this called for a sit-down with the hubby and the two decided to distance themselves from her. She was also uninvited from the wedding and they haven’t kept contact ever since.
Despite this, when she surprisingly showed up for the husband’s 30th b-day, he offered her a seat at their table
Image credits: Gilber-Noel Sfeir (not the actual image)
Image credits: u/throwrabdayso
OP did not like it one bit, so she offered the friend her seat and Houdinid out of there fast
Image credits: u/throwrabdayso
Well, roughly 5 months later, the husband was celebrating his 30th birthday. For it, he decided to have a dinner party with family and friends at a restaurant. But, surprise, surprise, Ava walks in the front door.
She approaches the table. Apologetically, explains she doesn’t mean to intrude, but just wants to congratulate the husband on the jubilee. That was, at least, supposed to be it, but, again, surprise, surprise, the husband invites her to join their table.
Thinking what the flippin’ heck is happening, OP stands up, invites Ava to take her seat, and Houdinis her way outside where she gets an Uber and vanishes.
The husband got back home a couple of hours later, upset as all heck, and accused OP of ruining his birthday
Image credits: Damian Morys (not the actual image)
A couple of hours later, the husband comes back home, furious. He asks what the heck happened when she left, and she asks what the heck happened with Ava somehow becoming part of the table. Apparently, he was just trying to be nice, thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. She can’t still have feelings for him, right?
Well, folks online were of a different opinion. All in all, most were of the opinion that OP is in the clear, for many reasons.
But folks online were having none of it, giving ample justification for OP’s anger
5 months is not 5 years, there were obviously some feelings there. Also, most found it a bit too suspicious that Ava just happened to stumble upon the birthday party, having arrived alone to just have dinner with herself.
But besides that, why wouldn’t OP be upset with the person who attempted to destroy her relationship and engagement? If anything, the husband and OP had an agreement to distance themselves from Ava, and what happened now was nothing but counterproductive.
As soon as the post hit the interwaves, it garnered over 15,100 upvotes with a handful of Reddit awards. You can read the post and how folks reacted to it in full here. Or, if you’ve missed our many articles in the AITA series, you can find them here.
But before you go do something more productive online, would you perhaps like to voice your opinion about what happened here? If not, you can still talk about absolutely anything (within reason, of course) in the comment section below!
I'd put my money on him still talking to her behind her back. How did she know where they were having dinner? I highly doubt it was a coincidence. The husband staying behind and not leaving with his wife is a huge red flag.
My best friend and I have known each other for 35 years, and I can barely remember when her birthday is. How did this woman know to wish him a Happy Birthday, much less *coincidentally* walk into the same restaurant alone at that moment? Something smells fishy.
What's so suspicious in knowing his birthday date? I know the birthdays of several friends
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In OP's shoes, I would have stayed for dinner, then discussed my concerns with Husband afterwards. It was his birthday and OP made it about herself. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes and it's how we communicate about disagreements and resolve them going forwards, that is the real learning experience.
On the other hand, the woman set a very reasonable boundary. She doesn’t have to stay somewhere and feel awful because her husband decided her boundaries didn’t matter
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YTA - why would YOU leave? You leaving punishes you and not him, plus puts him in an untenable situation : if he stays, then he's a jerk, but if he follows you , he's a puppy dog; he can't win. Also, by leaving, you didn't allow him an opportunity to show Ava how happy he is with his marriage to you.
Don't bother trying to use reason or assume that people here will change from their side once they've chosen one. The misandry of the commenters on this site is extreme - and the idea that a couple could work things through by actual adult communication is apparently beyond them. Us poor women apparently are 'victims' of 'gaslighting' and men are uncontrolled lust-monsters that lie at all times, and if you don't agree with that then you must be downvoted to the point of being banned from commenting. I'm not surprised that so many people struggle to maintain relationships nowadays with these absurd ideas being put into their heads.
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I’m on the fence. We don’t know if the friend came dressed for dinner or dressed in pick-up-an-order flip flops. The husband might be a rare Let Bygones Be Bygones man. I think wife should have taken control of the situation & said to the friend, “Oh, aren’t you sweet! We’re settled and the orders are already in… why don’t you and I set something up for later?” <—- that’s the southern way to tell her she’s not acting sweet, there’s no room here that you’re willing to give up, the orders might actually be in… (who knows), and, finally, the only thing you will ever do with her is set something straight. No idea how northerners do it but I imagine more directly. Boundaries must be observed and they both need to take ownership. And your poor husband might actually be clueless, but at home he needs to pick a side and go over some ideas on how to deal with the friend. Ladies and gents, true love is a powerful emotion. Rejected love causes real grief. Be firm. Be kind.
She said she came to have dinner by herself so... I think most people would not be offended in this situation if they were in the husband's role. I wouldn't mind if even an ex joined us for dinner, I don't hate any of them. But the thing would be, my husband would most definitely mind. Knowing that, what kind of partner would I be to upset him like that so that someone echo isn't my partner could join us for my birthday dinner? It's my birthday so I can step all over everyone's feelings? Let alone my husband! I love what you would have said to her. While I live in the south now I was raised in many places (military dad) and none of them in the south. I'd have definitely taken control of the situation and it wouldn't involve me leaving and would have involved her leaving but you're right, I'd have been more direct. People might have been uncomfortable for a minute but the moment she walked away, we'd have a sudden subject change. Ava needed someone to clear things up.
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Isn't it too much of a coincidence that Ava was in the same restaurant where they were celebrating OP's husband's bday? I bet he contacted her behind her back.
Or a relative who knew the situation may have mentioned the event to the former friend in order to enjoy a ringside seat for the fireworks. I have seen that happen.
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Unpopular opinion - you should probably just try to finish dinner ASAP and leave together, like a pair you are instead of jealously leaving and frankly, ruining his birthday. He married you, not her, give him the courtesy of same trust he probably gives you. By leaving you just gave her sort of opportunity, to be honest. His feelings towards her are probably not romantic when he's convinced it was not a big deal so maybe he really just wanted to catch up, so two hours of talking are in norm, meanwhile you probably were at home, pacing, fuming, imagining things that were most likely complete BS, and all for nothing. If it was a sign of cheating, like some people are suggesting, then it wouldn't happen at all in front of you. And if she's desperate, then that's her cross to bear, not yours or your husband's. I sense a bit of insecurity, but dear god, please if he's worth it, don't chase him away by accusing him of something he might do, but actually didn't do.
They had an agreement not to include her in their lives. He invited her to join the party and completely disrespected his wife and their agreement. This is NOT what a loving, committed partner does to his loved one. Giant red flag.
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This will probably hurt some feeling here but I think there needs to be a devil's advocate here. I think she did act immaturely. If the roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure the words "controlling" and "overbearing" even "chauvinistic" would show up. It's his birthday, the celebration of his life and hence I think he gets to make the decision. I know someone will go on the slippery slope argument here but there is no indication he is doing anything wrong with her. And second, they are livelong friends. It's hard to be cruel to someone you've known for so long. Does that mean he's cruel to his wife? No. Because despite the confession and the fact he is being honest to her about it, it looks more like her own insecurities. Third, they've known each other for that long and nothing happened as they were both attached to different people, prior to the confession. Chances are higher, he doesn't see her that way. He had ample time to choose and ultimately chose the current wife.
I do somewhat agree with your sentiments, however, lack of evidence is not in itself evidence against it. We know nothing about what actually happened in the past (or didn't happen), or if anything is happening now, so should not comment or make any kind of assumption about it. What we can say for sure is that they made an agreement with each other that this woman was to no longer be part of their lives in any way, shape, or form, and that alone is where he f*ed up. Instead of talking with his wife he just invited her to sit down. Wife was well within her right to get up and walk away. Actions have consequences. I would not put up with a partner pushing that kind of boundary by force either. If we had a conversation about it before it happened I would be more open to discussion about it, but wife was put on the spot here. How can she refuse when husband asks unwelcome person to sit? How can she argue when he forces the boundary like that? Just because it's his birthday?
Load More Replies... I would not have left and in fact, she would have had to look at me straight in my face and speak to me
Exactly. Someone needed to make things clear to Ava. Hubby want going to do it. I sure would. Though it'd be nice to have my partner be on the same page with ME.
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Y'all he ruined his own birthday by calling a girl who almost ruined their marriage to eat with them. If she was there by coincidence (which I doubt) so let her do her thing and ignore because she STABBED your f*****g wife's back and ofc your wife will be mad at you. "She should have stayed quiet" why people always want women to stay quiet to save social meetings?? If it was a man, people would say the woman is cheating on him, but it's a woman and you guys are worried about his day being ruined? It's just a day literally not a big deal at all compared to having to have dinner with someone who almost ruined their relationship. Plus nobody has the obligation to be somewhere they don't want to.
I assume OP has a voice and knows how to use it. Had this happen to me, I would have said to both Ava and my husband, with a sweet smile plastered on my face "Honey, you are so sweet, but unfortunately we've already had our orders take. (even if it is just drinks) and we don't have any additional room at this table. You understand, don't you Ava? Perhaps we can plan some other time for all of us (with emphasis on US) can get together and catch up. It's been a REALLY long time since we have seen you. Have a wonderful evening." Then deliberately turn away from her and start speaking to someone else. This allows you to indicate, despite the invitation from the GOH, that YOU are the host and having none of it in a gracious manner that isn't embarrassing to anyone except Ava. You husband did the polite thing, you politely deflected the invitation to another time, and you indicated to the rest of the party in an acceptable manner that she isn't really welcome in their dynamic at the moment.
( Ava ) didn’t just accidentally showed up to that restaurant , she must have found out through a family member or one of the friends I do believe your husband was only being nice when he invited her to sit down , because they were longtime friends and most likely everyone at the table knew her However , since he knows how she feels towards him , he should have remained firm with the decision you both made to distance yourselves away from her Don’t be surprise if she’s calling him up or popping up out of nowhere , because she seem like a person who’s out to ruin your marriage .
Am I the only one thinking she is the AH? Her husband cannot be 'stolen' unless he wants to be. Storming out was petty, plus the dinner party was friends and family so it's not like the two of them were even alone.
why is it petty to leave an environment with someone who actively tried to harm your relationship? no one is owed time and attention, especially after behaving like that
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To me the whole thing with cutting off a friend just because she was honest about having feelings for the husband is too much. Sounds like she doesn't trust her partner. Both me and my partner have close friends who used to be involved with us and so what? We're both literally best friends with our exes. I cannot comprehend this level of jealousy and mistrust. Is that normal??
I've never been in a relationship with a man where the guy was cool with me continuing any sort of relationship with past guys, including ones that wanted me and I never wanted them back. I've found guys to be incredibly sensitive to their own egos. I was the one that said if you want them, go be with them. Whatever. I've got my own things to do. I've heard that back once. But when push came to shove, he didn't mean it.
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I think he's been talking and seeing her this whole time, probably thought maybe if I reintroduce her into our circle, wife will forgive her and accept her in, and he gets to stay with wife and still have this Ava gal nearby again like "good ol days" since they'll be besties right? Lol (sarcasm). He just wants these 2 women in his life and will manipulate his wife to achieve it.
Communication is key. She should have spoken to her husband right away in the restaurant. Take him aside and explain how downright uncomfortable the whole situation is for her. If he then said that he didn't see that as a problem, she could always have gone and explained to him why. Or what I would have done... I would have uninvited Ava right after his invitation and explained that even thinking about sitting down would be beyond inappropriate. Would that have hurt Ava's feelings, yes. Would it be embarrassing for her husband... also yes. Are they both to blame for behaving "inappropriately"... definitely yes! The fact that he actually stayed and went ahead with his birthday dinner instead of following the OP !!??!! They should definitely have a real talk about boundaries.
Nut just YTA but stupid TA. I would stay there, hug my husband and show his ex-bestfrind that he is mine. I would absolutely ignore her and show him he should do the same. Actually, a would show her she is unwanted.
Why would you fight? He should have told her to move it and leave them alone. If that's too much effort and he invited her and thinks she's more important than his wife, good luck with that. I once dated a cheater. He went to his other gf. Ppl warned me. She didn't know about me, so I warned her too and then he was alone. Noone wants that.
Load More Replies... YTA, she was going to sit at your table in a restaurant, not share your hotel room. Being uninvited from the wedding and ghosted for some time has sent a clear message, now you can be adult about it and be, at the very least, polite in public. This is someone who was part of your husband's life for years. That's important. He chose to marry you, and that's important. If you trust your husband, trust your husband. If you don't, get out now.
She had been sent a clear message... But that's an assumption. We don't know if Ava is crazy and didn't need any encouragement or if Ava had some encouragement behind OP's back. But if she had been sent a clear message, giving her a foot in the door 5 months later just changed that clear message. My husband wouldn't have trusted a guy's motives in that situation.
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I bit too excessive, she's his long time friend too, the wife should understand that it's very hard for him to just cut ties with her and maybe he's really hoping to get a friend back without the love thing. She shouldn't have left and she just had to talk to him later.
If they live in the same town or if she lives near that area then it's highly likely that she was walking by that restaurant or walking home. And him inviting her to sit down at any seat is better than his entire family questioning him and making drama at a bday party when it's unnecessary to do so. And the fact that he told OP about Ava immediately after he discovered about her feelings for him should be enough proof as to which woman he stands with. And if he had confronted his wife at his bday party she might've slapped him or yelled at him which would've only made matters worse so the best course of action was to allow them space before they outright argued in public as that's disrespectful to each other and his family. It's all logical. Yea I might be wrong but I think it's an obvious trail.
You should totally counsel men about this. She might have slapped him? You watch too much TV. Please go tell men about how calm and polite they need to be to men trying to get with their woman.
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Hm ppl suspect him of setting it up but another possibility is that Ava could be stalking him. I think the OP could have said she prefer Ava didnt join them for dinner in the moment, but I think it would still have ended up with the husband yelling at her once they got home so meh
I believe this is an over exaggeration. Act like an adult and talk things out. You've been with the man for a few years now. He should have set boundaries with her , not cut off the friendship all together. Honestly, most people don't know how to be in a healthy relationship. Yeah, what his friend did was shitty, but she's probably wanted to tell him that for a long time. He obviously didn't feel the same way because he was honest with her about it. But he should have just put some boundaries between them and move on. No need to be dramatic.
Ava maybe following him on social media and found out about his birthday plans. When husband extended the invitation to Ava and wife surrendered her seat and walked off husband realized wife was upset over his invitation. Husband should have immediately followed wife and left with her. Not sit and continue to celebrate his birthday as if nothing happened. Ava accepted the invitation and new she created a riff between the couple but accepted OP seat knowing that she had no right to accept the invitation. Also what family members were there were just as complicit but not anyone spoke up. 2 hours later is unacceptable but OP should be doing a little more research on Ava because there are no coinsedence.
I feel bad for the woman. Her husband seems to enjoy being in some kind of love triangle and being fought over by 2 women, like a prince charming. Good for his ego, but oh so bad for his marriage.
If your significant other has been very clear on anything that makes them uncomfortable and you still choose to disregard their feelings, it can be very damaging to the marriage, irreversible damage. Once you and your partner agree that a situation is a threat to your partnership, you both have to respect that and don’t assume because time has passed that it automatically becomes a thing of the past, sorry to say, he’s still communicating with her and if he’s not and she found out through social media that they were celebrating his birthday at this restaurant and she shows up, this woman obviously has emotional issues, can’t take no for an answer, unstable, disrespectful, delusional behavior, BIG BIG RED FLAG!!
I wouldn't have left. When he offered her a seat I would say to her "I hope you are not considering staying. My husband is only trying to be polite. What does it take you to understand that you are not wanted around here? Thank you for the wishes but please walk out." Then I would tell my husband " you have a kind soul my love. But you don't understand. You are playing with her feelings and hurting her more. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind". If I would have any objection to my words I would have told him "we will deal with it at home".
I asked my man if he would dare to do that, his response was " you would leave me the second I ask them to sit with us". Just make sure your hubby knows you WILL stick to your "guns". No second chances if his loyalty is in reasonable doubt, there are enough other good men out there.
First of all OP you should have stayed and not give AvA your seat. Also you leaving gave AvAa chance with your husband. Who knows what they did after you were gone.
I was trying to understand OP's prespective here but he's the jerk who decided to ignore his wife feelings. She felt upset and uncomfortable with that woman, so it's best that he's not involved that woman in his life ever again. Once she slipped in she would never leave. This is a woman who broke up with her boyfriend to confess her feelings to a taken man, there is definitely wrong with her. Op said herself that she and Ava were pretty close too but Ava decided to stab her in the back.. Unless you want a broken marriage, don't let someone like Ava into your life ever again. I know because I am married and my husband and I have discussed something like this so many times.
I would've undermined my husband and said, "no. You can't sit down with us". Then ask him several key questions about this incident to find out if there's more to this story. Psychically, I feel he's cheating or has cheated on you with her. That's usually the outcome of similar scenarios. She's not going to randomly run into y'all, ESPECIALLY, when y'all are celebrating his b-day. Regardless of what they say, ALL MEN love it when they know a hot female wants them. And if they think they can get away with it will pounce on the opportunity. He's wanting to Guage your reaction to know if you'll forgive her bc then they'd have an excuse to be together at one place.
Umm sorry there is no such thing as a coincidence. I could not imagine sitting there for 2 hours without wondering how far along my wife was in packing her things while breaking mine. His actions after the "coincidence" really tells you where his heart is or isn't. I'm sorry. Start the process of a divorce as secretly as he has been with her.
NTA! He doesn't know the meaning of boundaries. Also why would he put his wife in such a difficult position? Knowing that she told him that she didn't want anything to do with her. He sounds like the men that knows his girl friends have a crush on him. To feed his ego. I would bet that he has been talking to her behind his wife's back. Who knows via work email so she doesn't know or find. Also he stayed in the restaurant for 2 whole hours! After she left. He never went to her to ask her: Babe are you alright? Where are you going? Etc... Everything smells and looks fishy. His audacity to say that she ruined his birthday is simply mind boggling. I would get a divorce ASAP
This feels way blown out of proportion. The friend just expressed her feelings. She took her shot. Can't really hold that against her. It's been obviously made his choice. They were still long time friends. I feel like a dinner every now and then there's no big deal. But I'm not the jealous type.
No? She tried to talk ops husband out of marrying her, and broke up with her boyfriend. I'd be mad to, especially since it's only been 5 months.
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It could be that she was invited by the family without the husband or the wife knowing. The OP did not handle it well, and neither did the husband. The OP should have taken him aside to express her feelings on the matter and have a reasonable convo without yelling or passive-aggressively huffing and walking out.
If the family invited her then she lied about "planning on eating alone"
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A-Hole may be a bit strong but I'm not sure your actions were the best. It must be uncomfortable in that situation but walking out like that probably just made you look immature. It's really hard to judge this without being there. Thinking about it, it's kind of odd that she would just show up to a restaurant alone just as he's celebrating his B-Day. The internet detective in is thinking that they planned this, if it's a b-day celebration it has to be a nice restaurant, which people don't normally go to on their own, if that's true he lied and is gas lighting her, other wise they're a really cheap couple.
I think you reacted instead of responding. You sort of lost any control there. I think your husband is not being honest with you. How did she know where you were going to celebrate the birthday party? Someone told her, friends or family? Now is the time for some therapy and honest talking instead of accusing each other of poor behavior. You are his wife now, don't give him up if you want him.
We have an honest husband, who told op what had happened. Lucky for her, its not a problem, because obiously she is the one he wants. And you all complain that furthermore he is a decent man who treats his longtime best friend with respect after she made a confession about how she feels? i dont think that op is the a*****e, i think, she was just insecure, which i understand, but i also dont think that the husband is the a*****e, just because he offered the place. i think that probably not even Ava is the a*****e. it must suck to be in love with your best friend and it probably took a lot of courage to leave her boyfriend and open up to ops husband. sucks for her.
I'm guessing he is EXTREMELY flattered by her confession and wants some of that attention in his life, even if he wants to stay married and loves the OP (for now). He'll probably self delude to give himself permission to let this woman back in his life so he can get that attention, and then he'll gradually increase his exposure to her because it feels nice.
She broke up with her boyfriend after confessing her feelings. They are still in touch. He invited her to the dinner. He didnt come home til 2 hours later. She enjoyed his birthday dinner and was glad you left. They have already slept together....if you have a shitlist, put both of their names on it because hes getting her in the divorce.
The problem with our generation is as soon as something get difficult people walk out. This was probably the best Time for the wife to Shine with brilliance. I think she should have stay by the husband. Eva mostly likely knows everyone at the table. it was a sure reflex to invite her. What could've happen nothing. Now everyone at the table wondering why did she go . Now the husband looking dumb. Also what women need to know is a lot of men are not good at rejecting women and also don't always see the signs like women do. I mean guys we fight and 1h later we a friend like nothing happen. . She also could've have confronting her and talk about the situation in a civil manner. (Not the best move) you never know. I think both them got be true to themselves if not They are going to be miserable for sure.
Perhaps if the husband had quietly asked a server to fit her in at another table instead of pretty much expecting his wife to make way. If “Ava” had been there but the husband didn’t abandon his wife for her, it might have been different. I don’t think the wife did anything wrong.
You attract back whatever thoughts or energy you put out, you get back - good or bad. If you're a person in a relationship worrying all the time about spouse cheating or no trust. That's not a relationship to be in the first place. Nowadays most couples marry each other to have security, and maybe the intimacy is good and la-di-da and think its love. OP storming out shows lack of trust, insecurity and the husband gaslighting her . Lack of emotional intelligence
This is a reason for which divorces happen. No trust. And since when can't someone see an old friend, it's a birthday, time to celebrate the person who's birthday it is, not fight over inviting an old friend to join the celebration, even when the latter had feeling for the celebrated person. WHERE'S THE LOVE NOWADAYS???
ETA. Everyone here assumes it's easy or obvious that said friend should not have been allowed to join, but let's look at this from the husband's perspective. He probably has not disclosed to most of his friends (who are probably at least some of them friends with the uninvited friend) that uninvited made a move on him. If he is rude and tells her to buzz off, he looks like a jerk in front of his friends and family. If he explains why, he feels embarrassed. Sure, it's probably still the right thing to do, but there's some balance here and husband just ended up slightly on the wrong side of it. He was probably planning on letting her 'join' but then pushing her to the far end of the table. But then the wife throws a full on tantrum, remember that friends and family just see the wife as insecure about this person who is just a friend, and husband is stuck managing the social fall out with friends and family or dropping ALL of them for his wife, who (let's be real) he already feels (1/2)
... like just threw him under the bus by giving up the seat NEXT to him to the person he was just trying to save face around the other relations by being polite to. At this point, husband probably feels like "fine, if you make a scene on my birthday you can sit at home by yourself for a few hours". Anyway, what really needs to happen now is not a round of "who's right?" but a round of "I felt this way when" so that they can both feel heard and work out what really is up (wife is still legit insecure about the new relationship under circumstances that give her real concerns, husband is trying to maintain friend and family connections as his life changes and feeling punished for being honest with his wife). Needless to say, the usurper friend is really TAH, and if it were a guy people would be yelling "call the police" or something.
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I'm all for the direct approach. I would not have gotten up and wordlessly left. I would have contradicted my husband, informed the woman that I am aware that she tried to talk him out of marriage, and told her it is far too soon for me to comfortably enjoy her company. Then thanked her for coming over and invited her to leave us to our dinner.
NTA: Your husband is clearly demonstrating classic red flags of a narcissist.Triangulating, by introducing another female into the picture, and telling you what she told him (how did he expect you to react to that?); ignoring your boundaries (that you both agreed to) and then gaslighting you when he got home. Leave now. It won't get better. She's his "side supply", and narcissists collect those.
Not enough info to reasonably assume cheating as well as the fact that he could've just felt awkward about telling her to go away so I'm gonna go with everyone's the a*s for the way each person reacted
If it were me, I would have let her say her happy birthday and asked her to leave then continue with the festivities. If he makes a big stink about it I form the friends and family WHY she is not allowed to be there. Now if they side eith him that's a different issue, lol. The OP also needs to give herself her place and stand up for herself because it seems he may be able to just do as he pleases. Have the big fight afterwards if necessary but this way it just made her seem childish IMO.
Goodness some people are all or nothing on this. I actually am still on YTA, if he legitimately wanted to cheat, he wouldn't have told the wife that his friend asked to stop the marriage. If he preferred the friend and his wife was just a rebound, again, he would've went with the friend. Why would he tell the wife if he wasn't committed to her? Heck, he even could've just said nothing about his friend's statements, and still stayed with the wife, but he went and told her so they were on the same page. If this was anything inappropriate, he wouldn't need or want the friend at his dinner table, it'd be the bedroom, and the wife wouldn't be there. She definitely overreacted, and made the situation worse and awkward for everyone there. She made HIS birthday with family and friends about HER. He probably was legitimately really good friends and misses her. They should've just stayed and talked about it after, or she could've politely asked to talk to him away from the group right then.
I think the OP needs to annul her marriage because if he isn't cheating on her then he is thinking about it. I hope the OP didn't believe either her jerk husband or his friend. She knew where they were celebrating his birthday. I would have called them both out for lying to you & tell the friend to leave & if he didn't back me up I'd tell him to expect some paperwork for an annulment. She should not stay with him. He can't have his cake & eat it too unless they agreed ahead of time to have an open marriage.
To cut a friend out of your life you have known for so long because they like you and your partner to be wife is threatened is stupid. The long time friend was honest and vulnerable, the man was clear and direct with his fiance. Their relationship is not her responsibility or business as long as he is not crossing boundaries outside of friendship, and is clear with both of them who he is with on an intimate romantic level. Her tears will only push them closer together. And 99% he is still talking to her....or someone tipped her off. If they are talking, the possibility he tried to weave her back into his life shows he is attempting to take the relationship out of the shadows, which is probably good!
My first wife is still in love with me (a fact my current wife pointed out) after over 15 years, if someone's in love with you, it doesn't just "go away" after 5 months and I suspect the husband may have realized after gettmarried he made a mistake and is at least thinking about life with the other woman.
I don’t think he’s acting like a loving husband. I think he has feelings for the other woman too. Sorry to say but men are NOT capable of being just friends with women.
I'm surprised that no one realized your husband's 'friend' "Ava" was able to discern where you would be by simply accessing your on line accounts, such as face book, etc., in order to find out what had been planned for his 30th birthday ; which is one of the "Big' events in most people's lives so it would have been very easy to find out what had been planned for his special occasion, and I don't have any online accounts for reasons such as this - if I want someone to know what I'm doing, I'll call them. As for the the husband staying for another two hours in the company of his friend it was not only Inconsiderate but also highly Disrespectful. You should do your best to remember his demeanor when she first caught his eye, was he flushed with excitement and smiling or did he seem perturbed and put off by her being there, (?). Had this been me, I would have taken her to the side where I would have informed her that we had "dis-invited" her and would prefer for her to leave - quietly
Hmm, I think somebody's been watching too many detective shows and Lifetime movies on television.
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Most people commenting here support the woman in the story as a reflex, no matter the circumstances or who is actually the AH. Downvote all you want, but it won't change the fact that hypocrisy is rampant in this website. I stay for the funny stories.
A man's reflex is to support the man. I've seen some truly dodgy situations where men are supporting men. You have too but they're not sticking out in your mind. Turn that situation around. Some guy is trying to actively get with your wife... How polite are you?
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A lot of red flags. Don't ignore them. Get out while you can. don't get pregnant or he and her will be tied to you forever. He showed his true self and feelings towards you by not going after you instead of staying with her.
YTA. How immature to act like this. She could have waited until the next day or at least until they're home to discuss this. What did she expect? That everyone caters to her moods? Also has she ever thought about how HE feels. He basically lost a very good friend. She better grows up. Or that marriage won't last long. And Ava gets her way
I wouldn't wanna be with any of those commenting. My girl is type to go along with the invitation for her to join us, so that the intruder could get a front row seat and have it thrown in her face that I'm TAKEN and that I love my wife, to the point that intruder chick would've gotten up and left on her own. No, instead, she acts like an insecure child and storms off. And then all of these nutjob conspiracy theorists come running out of the woodwork. "He didn't chase you??" Seriously? "This was preplanned". RIGHT, because there is just no way possible she could've known what the bday plans were before the falling out, or it being an actual coincidence. No, he has to be secretly talking to her. "They celebrated together"..did everyone just not read the part that said family and friends? They weren't alone. But crazy people will see what they wanna see.
OP was immature, but it's understandable. I also understand the husband's position, but I don't condone it. Especially when they agree to cut Ava in their life. Yes, maybe the husband is faithful and everything happened in the restaurant was just pure coincidence. But when he decided to break an agreement they made earlier, he should talk about it to OP first. "Ava is my best friend for long time, and I don't feel comfortable to cut her off completely. After all, I chose you and I believe she has moved on. Could we let her join us this time?" or something like that. 5 months of marriage is early stage, it's normal that the couple can't align their mind and feeling yet. Nevertheless, don't jump to conclusion too early. Try to communicate better.
I personally would have said “I am sorry the table is full” in my sweetness go f# yourself voice- after my husband asked her to sit. I would look my husband in the eye and silently say ‘try me’. And if I left, my husband better be right behind me. 2 hours- dinner. Nope. . . Open up your eyes- something is going on between them or potentially will. Some men are only as faithful as their opportunities. He was friends with her for a reason- he probably got friend zoned and now realized he also has feelings.
100% she's the AH. She showed nothing but disrespect for her husband after he chose her over a woman who probably would have made a better wife anyway. I mean that chick broke up a 6 year relationship just to show loyalty and in contrast his wife can't even respect his decision to show kindness. If my wife was this disrespectful she'd be gone. But she isn't, which is why we've been together for 13 years. Most of the "NTA" responses are probably single because they have no idea what marital cohesion looks like. The husband is the leader, you follow his lead or else you're probably a failure as a wife.
LOL He invited her, and they decided to lie. Sadly, this woman has found out what a douche her (ex) husband is.
I think she walked out too fast. Like immediately. Remember when they cut this woman off they didn't have to do it on person. Now this stalker shows up and husband erroneously tries to be nice bc yes it's in appropriate but they were close friends for years and he doesn't want to hurt her to her face. Mistake? Yes. But I see how it can happen if you're non confrontational. OP could have said no, you need to leave this is a private meal and ur a stalker. And that could have been it. But you left and you're non confrontational it seems to me husband has to choose to stay at this party for him that a whole lot of ppl have come to or leave with you. I think he should have chased you and brought you back with the agreement you would get rid of this woman. But again I'm not going to skewer him over making the wrong call here. I think all the ppl assuming he must be cheating on his wife are being nasty
Mostly single/not married people are always quick to advise someone to break up their relationship, like there is a better relationship just waiting around the corner. Who cares if he is cheating, or if she is cheating. It is unrealistic to think a long-term relationship will just be perfect with no issues. I am not saying a person should remain in a horrible situation, but the act of "cheating" should not by itself be enough to end a relationship. People are sometimes delusional when it comes to relationships.
Oh yeah? You been cheated on? I have seen the results firsthand.
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If OP was done with her husband, then it's cool she left him at the table. If she still wants to fight for him, she messed up. Now that female stalker probably thinks she's a pushover. If I were OP I would've probably looked at the other woman and said with a big smile, "Oh what a shame, there aren't any more chairs!" If the hub insisted upon finding an empty chair for the other woman, then I would've left.
Divorce your husband. Ava did not just happen to go to that restaurant by herself on your husband's birthday of all days... HAHAHAHA
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I'd put my money on him still talking to her behind her back. How did she know where they were having dinner? I highly doubt it was a coincidence. The husband staying behind and not leaving with his wife is a huge red flag.
My best friend and I have known each other for 35 years, and I can barely remember when her birthday is. How did this woman know to wish him a Happy Birthday, much less *coincidentally* walk into the same restaurant alone at that moment? Something smells fishy.
What's so suspicious in knowing his birthday date? I know the birthdays of several friends
Load More Replies... In OP's shoes, I would have stayed for dinner, then discussed my concerns with Husband afterwards. It was his birthday and OP made it about herself. At the end of the day, we all make mistakes and it's how we communicate about disagreements and resolve them going forwards, that is the real learning experience.
On the other hand, the woman set a very reasonable boundary. She doesn’t have to stay somewhere and feel awful because her husband decided her boundaries didn’t matter
Load More Replies... YTA - why would YOU leave? You leaving punishes you and not him, plus puts him in an untenable situation : if he stays, then he's a jerk, but if he follows you , he's a puppy dog; he can't win. Also, by leaving, you didn't allow him an opportunity to show Ava how happy he is with his marriage to you.
Don't bother trying to use reason or assume that people here will change from their side once they've chosen one. The misandry of the commenters on this site is extreme - and the idea that a couple could work things through by actual adult communication is apparently beyond them. Us poor women apparently are 'victims' of 'gaslighting' and men are uncontrolled lust-monsters that lie at all times, and if you don't agree with that then you must be downvoted to the point of being banned from commenting. I'm not surprised that so many people struggle to maintain relationships nowadays with these absurd ideas being put into their heads.
Load More Replies... I’m on the fence. We don’t know if the friend came dressed for dinner or dressed in pick-up-an-order flip flops. The husband might be a rare Let Bygones Be Bygones man. I think wife should have taken control of the situation & said to the friend, “Oh, aren’t you sweet! We’re settled and the orders are already in… why don’t you and I set something up for later?” <—- that’s the southern way to tell her she’s not acting sweet, there’s no room here that you’re willing to give up, the orders might actually be in… (who knows), and, finally, the only thing you will ever do with her is set something straight. No idea how northerners do it but I imagine more directly. Boundaries must be observed and they both need to take ownership. And your poor husband might actually be clueless, but at home he needs to pick a side and go over some ideas on how to deal with the friend. Ladies and gents, true love is a powerful emotion. Rejected love causes real grief. Be firm. Be kind.
She said she came to have dinner by herself so... I think most people would not be offended in this situation if they were in the husband's role. I wouldn't mind if even an ex joined us for dinner, I don't hate any of them. But the thing would be, my husband would most definitely mind. Knowing that, what kind of partner would I be to upset him like that so that someone echo isn't my partner could join us for my birthday dinner? It's my birthday so I can step all over everyone's feelings? Let alone my husband! I love what you would have said to her. While I live in the south now I was raised in many places (military dad) and none of them in the south. I'd have definitely taken control of the situation and it wouldn't involve me leaving and would have involved her leaving but you're right, I'd have been more direct. People might have been uncomfortable for a minute but the moment she walked away, we'd have a sudden subject change. Ava needed someone to clear things up.
Load More Replies... Isn't it too much of a coincidence that Ava was in the same restaurant where they were celebrating OP's husband's bday? I bet he contacted her behind her back.
Or a relative who knew the situation may have mentioned the event to the former friend in order to enjoy a ringside seat for the fireworks. I have seen that happen.
Load More Replies... Unpopular opinion - you should probably just try to finish dinner ASAP and leave together, like a pair you are instead of jealously leaving and frankly, ruining his birthday. He married you, not her, give him the courtesy of same trust he probably gives you. By leaving you just gave her sort of opportunity, to be honest. His feelings towards her are probably not romantic when he's convinced it was not a big deal so maybe he really just wanted to catch up, so two hours of talking are in norm, meanwhile you probably were at home, pacing, fuming, imagining things that were most likely complete BS, and all for nothing. If it was a sign of cheating, like some people are suggesting, then it wouldn't happen at all in front of you. And if she's desperate, then that's her cross to bear, not yours or your husband's. I sense a bit of insecurity, but dear god, please if he's worth it, don't chase him away by accusing him of something he might do, but actually didn't do.
They had an agreement not to include her in their lives. He invited her to join the party and completely disrespected his wife and their agreement. This is NOT what a loving, committed partner does to his loved one. Giant red flag.
Load More Replies... This will probably hurt some feeling here but I think there needs to be a devil's advocate here. I think she did act immaturely. If the roles were reversed, I'm pretty sure the words "controlling" and "overbearing" even "chauvinistic" would show up. It's his birthday, the celebration of his life and hence I think he gets to make the decision. I know someone will go on the slippery slope argument here but there is no indication he is doing anything wrong with her. And second, they are livelong friends. It's hard to be cruel to someone you've known for so long. Does that mean he's cruel to his wife? No. Because despite the confession and the fact he is being honest to her about it, it looks more like her own insecurities. Third, they've known each other for that long and nothing happened as they were both attached to different people, prior to the confession. Chances are higher, he doesn't see her that way. He had ample time to choose and ultimately chose the current wife.
I do somewhat agree with your sentiments, however, lack of evidence is not in itself evidence against it. We know nothing about what actually happened in the past (or didn't happen), or if anything is happening now, so should not comment or make any kind of assumption about it. What we can say for sure is that they made an agreement with each other that this woman was to no longer be part of their lives in any way, shape, or form, and that alone is where he f*ed up. Instead of talking with his wife he just invited her to sit down. Wife was well within her right to get up and walk away. Actions have consequences. I would not put up with a partner pushing that kind of boundary by force either. If we had a conversation about it before it happened I would be more open to discussion about it, but wife was put on the spot here. How can she refuse when husband asks unwelcome person to sit? How can she argue when he forces the boundary like that? Just because it's his birthday?
Load More Replies... I would not have left and in fact, she would have had to look at me straight in my face and speak to me
Exactly. Someone needed to make things clear to Ava. Hubby want going to do it. I sure would. Though it'd be nice to have my partner be on the same page with ME.
Load More Replies... Y'all he ruined his own birthday by calling a girl who almost ruined their marriage to eat with them. If she was there by coincidence (which I doubt) so let her do her thing and ignore because she STABBED your f*****g wife's back and ofc your wife will be mad at you. "She should have stayed quiet" why people always want women to stay quiet to save social meetings?? If it was a man, people would say the woman is cheating on him, but it's a woman and you guys are worried about his day being ruined? It's just a day literally not a big deal at all compared to having to have dinner with someone who almost ruined their relationship. Plus nobody has the obligation to be somewhere they don't want to.
I assume OP has a voice and knows how to use it. Had this happen to me, I would have said to both Ava and my husband, with a sweet smile plastered on my face "Honey, you are so sweet, but unfortunately we've already had our orders take. (even if it is just drinks) and we don't have any additional room at this table. You understand, don't you Ava? Perhaps we can plan some other time for all of us (with emphasis on US) can get together and catch up. It's been a REALLY long time since we have seen you. Have a wonderful evening." Then deliberately turn away from her and start speaking to someone else. This allows you to indicate, despite the invitation from the GOH, that YOU are the host and having none of it in a gracious manner that isn't embarrassing to anyone except Ava. You husband did the polite thing, you politely deflected the invitation to another time, and you indicated to the rest of the party in an acceptable manner that she isn't really welcome in their dynamic at the moment.
( Ava ) didn’t just accidentally showed up to that restaurant , she must have found out through a family member or one of the friends I do believe your husband was only being nice when he invited her to sit down , because they were longtime friends and most likely everyone at the table knew her However , since he knows how she feels towards him , he should have remained firm with the decision you both made to distance yourselves away from her Don’t be surprise if she’s calling him up or popping up out of nowhere , because she seem like a person who’s out to ruin your marriage .
Am I the only one thinking she is the AH? Her husband cannot be 'stolen' unless he wants to be. Storming out was petty, plus the dinner party was friends and family so it's not like the two of them were even alone.
why is it petty to leave an environment with someone who actively tried to harm your relationship? no one is owed time and attention, especially after behaving like that
Load More Replies... To me the whole thing with cutting off a friend just because she was honest about having feelings for the husband is too much. Sounds like she doesn't trust her partner. Both me and my partner have close friends who used to be involved with us and so what? We're both literally best friends with our exes. I cannot comprehend this level of jealousy and mistrust. Is that normal??
I've never been in a relationship with a man where the guy was cool with me continuing any sort of relationship with past guys, including ones that wanted me and I never wanted them back. I've found guys to be incredibly sensitive to their own egos. I was the one that said if you want them, go be with them. Whatever. I've got my own things to do. I've heard that back once. But when push came to shove, he didn't mean it.
Load More Replies... I think he's been talking and seeing her this whole time, probably thought maybe if I reintroduce her into our circle, wife will forgive her and accept her in, and he gets to stay with wife and still have this Ava gal nearby again like "good ol days" since they'll be besties right? Lol (sarcasm). He just wants these 2 women in his life and will manipulate his wife to achieve it.
Communication is key. She should have spoken to her husband right away in the restaurant. Take him aside and explain how downright uncomfortable the whole situation is for her. If he then said that he didn't see that as a problem, she could always have gone and explained to him why. Or what I would have done... I would have uninvited Ava right after his invitation and explained that even thinking about sitting down would be beyond inappropriate. Would that have hurt Ava's feelings, yes. Would it be embarrassing for her husband... also yes. Are they both to blame for behaving "inappropriately"... definitely yes! The fact that he actually stayed and went ahead with his birthday dinner instead of following the OP !!??!! They should definitely have a real talk about boundaries.
Nut just YTA but stupid TA. I would stay there, hug my husband and show his ex-bestfrind that he is mine. I would absolutely ignore her and show him he should do the same. Actually, a would show her she is unwanted.
Why would you fight? He should have told her to move it and leave them alone. If that's too much effort and he invited her and thinks she's more important than his wife, good luck with that. I once dated a cheater. He went to his other gf. Ppl warned me. She didn't know about me, so I warned her too and then he was alone. Noone wants that.
Load More Replies... YTA, she was going to sit at your table in a restaurant, not share your hotel room. Being uninvited from the wedding and ghosted for some time has sent a clear message, now you can be adult about it and be, at the very least, polite in public. This is someone who was part of your husband's life for years. That's important. He chose to marry you, and that's important. If you trust your husband, trust your husband. If you don't, get out now.
She had been sent a clear message... But that's an assumption. We don't know if Ava is crazy and didn't need any encouragement or if Ava had some encouragement behind OP's back. But if she had been sent a clear message, giving her a foot in the door 5 months later just changed that clear message. My husband wouldn't have trusted a guy's motives in that situation.
Load More Replies... I bit too excessive, she's his long time friend too, the wife should understand that it's very hard for him to just cut ties with her and maybe he's really hoping to get a friend back without the love thing. She shouldn't have left and she just had to talk to him later.
If they live in the same town or if she lives near that area then it's highly likely that she was walking by that restaurant or walking home. And him inviting her to sit down at any seat is better than his entire family questioning him and making drama at a bday party when it's unnecessary to do so. And the fact that he told OP about Ava immediately after he discovered about her feelings for him should be enough proof as to which woman he stands with. And if he had confronted his wife at his bday party she might've slapped him or yelled at him which would've only made matters worse so the best course of action was to allow them space before they outright argued in public as that's disrespectful to each other and his family. It's all logical. Yea I might be wrong but I think it's an obvious trail.
You should totally counsel men about this. She might have slapped him? You watch too much TV. Please go tell men about how calm and polite they need to be to men trying to get with their woman.
Load More Replies... Hm ppl suspect him of setting it up but another possibility is that Ava could be stalking him. I think the OP could have said she prefer Ava didnt join them for dinner in the moment, but I think it would still have ended up with the husband yelling at her once they got home so meh
I believe this is an over exaggeration. Act like an adult and talk things out. You've been with the man for a few years now. He should have set boundaries with her , not cut off the friendship all together. Honestly, most people don't know how to be in a healthy relationship. Yeah, what his friend did was shitty, but she's probably wanted to tell him that for a long time. He obviously didn't feel the same way because he was honest with her about it. But he should have just put some boundaries between them and move on. No need to be dramatic.
Ava maybe following him on social media and found out about his birthday plans. When husband extended the invitation to Ava and wife surrendered her seat and walked off husband realized wife was upset over his invitation. Husband should have immediately followed wife and left with her. Not sit and continue to celebrate his birthday as if nothing happened. Ava accepted the invitation and new she created a riff between the couple but accepted OP seat knowing that she had no right to accept the invitation. Also what family members were there were just as complicit but not anyone spoke up. 2 hours later is unacceptable but OP should be doing a little more research on Ava because there are no coinsedence.
I feel bad for the woman. Her husband seems to enjoy being in some kind of love triangle and being fought over by 2 women, like a prince charming. Good for his ego, but oh so bad for his marriage.
If your significant other has been very clear on anything that makes them uncomfortable and you still choose to disregard their feelings, it can be very damaging to the marriage, irreversible damage. Once you and your partner agree that a situation is a threat to your partnership, you both have to respect that and don’t assume because time has passed that it automatically becomes a thing of the past, sorry to say, he’s still communicating with her and if he’s not and she found out through social media that they were celebrating his birthday at this restaurant and she shows up, this woman obviously has emotional issues, can’t take no for an answer, unstable, disrespectful, delusional behavior, BIG BIG RED FLAG!!
I wouldn't have left. When he offered her a seat I would say to her "I hope you are not considering staying. My husband is only trying to be polite. What does it take you to understand that you are not wanted around here? Thank you for the wishes but please walk out." Then I would tell my husband " you have a kind soul my love. But you don't understand. You are playing with her feelings and hurting her more. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind". If I would have any objection to my words I would have told him "we will deal with it at home".
I asked my man if he would dare to do that, his response was " you would leave me the second I ask them to sit with us". Just make sure your hubby knows you WILL stick to your "guns". No second chances if his loyalty is in reasonable doubt, there are enough other good men out there.
First of all OP you should have stayed and not give AvA your seat. Also you leaving gave AvAa chance with your husband. Who knows what they did after you were gone.
I was trying to understand OP's prespective here but he's the jerk who decided to ignore his wife feelings. She felt upset and uncomfortable with that woman, so it's best that he's not involved that woman in his life ever again. Once she slipped in she would never leave. This is a woman who broke up with her boyfriend to confess her feelings to a taken man, there is definitely wrong with her. Op said herself that she and Ava were pretty close too but Ava decided to stab her in the back.. Unless you want a broken marriage, don't let someone like Ava into your life ever again. I know because I am married and my husband and I have discussed something like this so many times.
I would've undermined my husband and said, "no. You can't sit down with us". Then ask him several key questions about this incident to find out if there's more to this story. Psychically, I feel he's cheating or has cheated on you with her. That's usually the outcome of similar scenarios. She's not going to randomly run into y'all, ESPECIALLY, when y'all are celebrating his b-day. Regardless of what they say, ALL MEN love it when they know a hot female wants them. And if they think they can get away with it will pounce on the opportunity. He's wanting to Guage your reaction to know if you'll forgive her bc then they'd have an excuse to be together at one place.
Umm sorry there is no such thing as a coincidence. I could not imagine sitting there for 2 hours without wondering how far along my wife was in packing her things while breaking mine. His actions after the "coincidence" really tells you where his heart is or isn't. I'm sorry. Start the process of a divorce as secretly as he has been with her.
NTA! He doesn't know the meaning of boundaries. Also why would he put his wife in such a difficult position? Knowing that she told him that she didn't want anything to do with her. He sounds like the men that knows his girl friends have a crush on him. To feed his ego. I would bet that he has been talking to her behind his wife's back. Who knows via work email so she doesn't know or find. Also he stayed in the restaurant for 2 whole hours! After she left. He never went to her to ask her: Babe are you alright? Where are you going? Etc... Everything smells and looks fishy. His audacity to say that she ruined his birthday is simply mind boggling. I would get a divorce ASAP
This feels way blown out of proportion. The friend just expressed her feelings. She took her shot. Can't really hold that against her. It's been obviously made his choice. They were still long time friends. I feel like a dinner every now and then there's no big deal. But I'm not the jealous type.
No? She tried to talk ops husband out of marrying her, and broke up with her boyfriend. I'd be mad to, especially since it's only been 5 months.
Load More Replies... It could be that she was invited by the family without the husband or the wife knowing. The OP did not handle it well, and neither did the husband. The OP should have taken him aside to express her feelings on the matter and have a reasonable convo without yelling or passive-aggressively huffing and walking out.
If the family invited her then she lied about "planning on eating alone"
Load More Replies... A-Hole may be a bit strong but I'm not sure your actions were the best. It must be uncomfortable in that situation but walking out like that probably just made you look immature. It's really hard to judge this without being there. Thinking about it, it's kind of odd that she would just show up to a restaurant alone just as he's celebrating his B-Day. The internet detective in is thinking that they planned this, if it's a b-day celebration it has to be a nice restaurant, which people don't normally go to on their own, if that's true he lied and is gas lighting her, other wise they're a really cheap couple.
I think you reacted instead of responding. You sort of lost any control there. I think your husband is not being honest with you. How did she know where you were going to celebrate the birthday party? Someone told her, friends or family? Now is the time for some therapy and honest talking instead of accusing each other of poor behavior. You are his wife now, don't give him up if you want him.
We have an honest husband, who told op what had happened. Lucky for her, its not a problem, because obiously she is the one he wants. And you all complain that furthermore he is a decent man who treats his longtime best friend with respect after she made a confession about how she feels? i dont think that op is the a*****e, i think, she was just insecure, which i understand, but i also dont think that the husband is the a*****e, just because he offered the place. i think that probably not even Ava is the a*****e. it must suck to be in love with your best friend and it probably took a lot of courage to leave her boyfriend and open up to ops husband. sucks for her.
I'm guessing he is EXTREMELY flattered by her confession and wants some of that attention in his life, even if he wants to stay married and loves the OP (for now). He'll probably self delude to give himself permission to let this woman back in his life so he can get that attention, and then he'll gradually increase his exposure to her because it feels nice.
She broke up with her boyfriend after confessing her feelings. They are still in touch. He invited her to the dinner. He didnt come home til 2 hours later. She enjoyed his birthday dinner and was glad you left. They have already slept together....if you have a shitlist, put both of their names on it because hes getting her in the divorce.
The problem with our generation is as soon as something get difficult people walk out. This was probably the best Time for the wife to Shine with brilliance. I think she should have stay by the husband. Eva mostly likely knows everyone at the table. it was a sure reflex to invite her. What could've happen nothing. Now everyone at the table wondering why did she go . Now the husband looking dumb. Also what women need to know is a lot of men are not good at rejecting women and also don't always see the signs like women do. I mean guys we fight and 1h later we a friend like nothing happen. . She also could've have confronting her and talk about the situation in a civil manner. (Not the best move) you never know. I think both them got be true to themselves if not They are going to be miserable for sure.
Perhaps if the husband had quietly asked a server to fit her in at another table instead of pretty much expecting his wife to make way. If “Ava” had been there but the husband didn’t abandon his wife for her, it might have been different. I don’t think the wife did anything wrong.
You attract back whatever thoughts or energy you put out, you get back - good or bad. If you're a person in a relationship worrying all the time about spouse cheating or no trust. That's not a relationship to be in the first place. Nowadays most couples marry each other to have security, and maybe the intimacy is good and la-di-da and think its love. OP storming out shows lack of trust, insecurity and the husband gaslighting her . Lack of emotional intelligence
This is a reason for which divorces happen. No trust. And since when can't someone see an old friend, it's a birthday, time to celebrate the person who's birthday it is, not fight over inviting an old friend to join the celebration, even when the latter had feeling for the celebrated person. WHERE'S THE LOVE NOWADAYS???
ETA. Everyone here assumes it's easy or obvious that said friend should not have been allowed to join, but let's look at this from the husband's perspective. He probably has not disclosed to most of his friends (who are probably at least some of them friends with the uninvited friend) that uninvited made a move on him. If he is rude and tells her to buzz off, he looks like a jerk in front of his friends and family. If he explains why, he feels embarrassed. Sure, it's probably still the right thing to do, but there's some balance here and husband just ended up slightly on the wrong side of it. He was probably planning on letting her 'join' but then pushing her to the far end of the table. But then the wife throws a full on tantrum, remember that friends and family just see the wife as insecure about this person who is just a friend, and husband is stuck managing the social fall out with friends and family or dropping ALL of them for his wife, who (let's be real) he already feels (1/2)
... like just threw him under the bus by giving up the seat NEXT to him to the person he was just trying to save face around the other relations by being polite to. At this point, husband probably feels like "fine, if you make a scene on my birthday you can sit at home by yourself for a few hours". Anyway, what really needs to happen now is not a round of "who's right?" but a round of "I felt this way when" so that they can both feel heard and work out what really is up (wife is still legit insecure about the new relationship under circumstances that give her real concerns, husband is trying to maintain friend and family connections as his life changes and feeling punished for being honest with his wife). Needless to say, the usurper friend is really TAH, and if it were a guy people would be yelling "call the police" or something.
Load More Replies... I'm all for the direct approach. I would not have gotten up and wordlessly left. I would have contradicted my husband, informed the woman that I am aware that she tried to talk him out of marriage, and told her it is far too soon for me to comfortably enjoy her company. Then thanked her for coming over and invited her to leave us to our dinner.
NTA: Your husband is clearly demonstrating classic red flags of a narcissist.Triangulating, by introducing another female into the picture, and telling you what she told him (how did he expect you to react to that?); ignoring your boundaries (that you both agreed to) and then gaslighting you when he got home. Leave now. It won't get better. She's his "side supply", and narcissists collect those.
Not enough info to reasonably assume cheating as well as the fact that he could've just felt awkward about telling her to go away so I'm gonna go with everyone's the a*s for the way each person reacted
If it were me, I would have let her say her happy birthday and asked her to leave then continue with the festivities. If he makes a big stink about it I form the friends and family WHY she is not allowed to be there. Now if they side eith him that's a different issue, lol. The OP also needs to give herself her place and stand up for herself because it seems he may be able to just do as he pleases. Have the big fight afterwards if necessary but this way it just made her seem childish IMO.
Goodness some people are all or nothing on this. I actually am still on YTA, if he legitimately wanted to cheat, he wouldn't have told the wife that his friend asked to stop the marriage. If he preferred the friend and his wife was just a rebound, again, he would've went with the friend. Why would he tell the wife if he wasn't committed to her? Heck, he even could've just said nothing about his friend's statements, and still stayed with the wife, but he went and told her so they were on the same page. If this was anything inappropriate, he wouldn't need or want the friend at his dinner table, it'd be the bedroom, and the wife wouldn't be there. She definitely overreacted, and made the situation worse and awkward for everyone there. She made HIS birthday with family and friends about HER. He probably was legitimately really good friends and misses her. They should've just stayed and talked about it after, or she could've politely asked to talk to him away from the group right then.
I think the OP needs to annul her marriage because if he isn't cheating on her then he is thinking about it. I hope the OP didn't believe either her jerk husband or his friend. She knew where they were celebrating his birthday. I would have called them both out for lying to you & tell the friend to leave & if he didn't back me up I'd tell him to expect some paperwork for an annulment. She should not stay with him. He can't have his cake & eat it too unless they agreed ahead of time to have an open marriage.
To cut a friend out of your life you have known for so long because they like you and your partner to be wife is threatened is stupid. The long time friend was honest and vulnerable, the man was clear and direct with his fiance. Their relationship is not her responsibility or business as long as he is not crossing boundaries outside of friendship, and is clear with both of them who he is with on an intimate romantic level. Her tears will only push them closer together. And 99% he is still talking to her....or someone tipped her off. If they are talking, the possibility he tried to weave her back into his life shows he is attempting to take the relationship out of the shadows, which is probably good!
My first wife is still in love with me (a fact my current wife pointed out) after over 15 years, if someone's in love with you, it doesn't just "go away" after 5 months and I suspect the husband may have realized after gettmarried he made a mistake and is at least thinking about life with the other woman.
I don’t think he’s acting like a loving husband. I think he has feelings for the other woman too. Sorry to say but men are NOT capable of being just friends with women.
I'm surprised that no one realized your husband's 'friend' "Ava" was able to discern where you would be by simply accessing your on line accounts, such as face book, etc., in order to find out what had been planned for his 30th birthday ; which is one of the "Big' events in most people's lives so it would have been very easy to find out what had been planned for his special occasion, and I don't have any online accounts for reasons such as this - if I want someone to know what I'm doing, I'll call them. As for the the husband staying for another two hours in the company of his friend it was not only Inconsiderate but also highly Disrespectful. You should do your best to remember his demeanor when she first caught his eye, was he flushed with excitement and smiling or did he seem perturbed and put off by her being there, (?). Had this been me, I would have taken her to the side where I would have informed her that we had "dis-invited" her and would prefer for her to leave - quietly
Hmm, I think somebody's been watching too many detective shows and Lifetime movies on television.
Load More Replies... Most people commenting here support the woman in the story as a reflex, no matter the circumstances or who is actually the AH. Downvote all you want, but it won't change the fact that hypocrisy is rampant in this website. I stay for the funny stories.
A man's reflex is to support the man. I've seen some truly dodgy situations where men are supporting men. You have too but they're not sticking out in your mind. Turn that situation around. Some guy is trying to actively get with your wife... How polite are you?
Load More Replies... A lot of red flags. Don't ignore them. Get out while you can. don't get pregnant or he and her will be tied to you forever. He showed his true self and feelings towards you by not going after you instead of staying with her.
YTA. How immature to act like this. She could have waited until the next day or at least until they're home to discuss this. What did she expect? That everyone caters to her moods? Also has she ever thought about how HE feels. He basically lost a very good friend. She better grows up. Or that marriage won't last long. And Ava gets her way
I wouldn't wanna be with any of those commenting. My girl is type to go along with the invitation for her to join us, so that the intruder could get a front row seat and have it thrown in her face that I'm TAKEN and that I love my wife, to the point that intruder chick would've gotten up and left on her own. No, instead, she acts like an insecure child and storms off. And then all of these nutjob conspiracy theorists come running out of the woodwork. "He didn't chase you??" Seriously? "This was preplanned". RIGHT, because there is just no way possible she could've known what the bday plans were before the falling out, or it being an actual coincidence. No, he has to be secretly talking to her. "They celebrated together"..did everyone just not read the part that said family and friends? They weren't alone. But crazy people will see what they wanna see.
OP was immature, but it's understandable. I also understand the husband's position, but I don't condone it. Especially when they agree to cut Ava in their life. Yes, maybe the husband is faithful and everything happened in the restaurant was just pure coincidence. But when he decided to break an agreement they made earlier, he should talk about it to OP first. "Ava is my best friend for long time, and I don't feel comfortable to cut her off completely. After all, I chose you and I believe she has moved on. Could we let her join us this time?" or something like that. 5 months of marriage is early stage, it's normal that the couple can't align their mind and feeling yet. Nevertheless, don't jump to conclusion too early. Try to communicate better.
I personally would have said “I am sorry the table is full” in my sweetness go f# yourself voice- after my husband asked her to sit. I would look my husband in the eye and silently say ‘try me’. And if I left, my husband better be right behind me. 2 hours- dinner. Nope. . . Open up your eyes- something is going on between them or potentially will. Some men are only as faithful as their opportunities. He was friends with her for a reason- he probably got friend zoned and now realized he also has feelings.
100% she's the AH. She showed nothing but disrespect for her husband after he chose her over a woman who probably would have made a better wife anyway. I mean that chick broke up a 6 year relationship just to show loyalty and in contrast his wife can't even respect his decision to show kindness. If my wife was this disrespectful she'd be gone. But she isn't, which is why we've been together for 13 years. Most of the "NTA" responses are probably single because they have no idea what marital cohesion looks like. The husband is the leader, you follow his lead or else you're probably a failure as a wife.
LOL He invited her, and they decided to lie. Sadly, this woman has found out what a douche her (ex) husband is.
I think she walked out too fast. Like immediately. Remember when they cut this woman off they didn't have to do it on person. Now this stalker shows up and husband erroneously tries to be nice bc yes it's in appropriate but they were close friends for years and he doesn't want to hurt her to her face. Mistake? Yes. But I see how it can happen if you're non confrontational. OP could have said no, you need to leave this is a private meal and ur a stalker. And that could have been it. But you left and you're non confrontational it seems to me husband has to choose to stay at this party for him that a whole lot of ppl have come to or leave with you. I think he should have chased you and brought you back with the agreement you would get rid of this woman. But again I'm not going to skewer him over making the wrong call here. I think all the ppl assuming he must be cheating on his wife are being nasty
Mostly single/not married people are always quick to advise someone to break up their relationship, like there is a better relationship just waiting around the corner. Who cares if he is cheating, or if she is cheating. It is unrealistic to think a long-term relationship will just be perfect with no issues. I am not saying a person should remain in a horrible situation, but the act of "cheating" should not by itself be enough to end a relationship. People are sometimes delusional when it comes to relationships.
Oh yeah? You been cheated on? I have seen the results firsthand.
Load More Replies... If OP was done with her husband, then it's cool she left him at the table. If she still wants to fight for him, she messed up. Now that female stalker probably thinks she's a pushover. If I were OP I would've probably looked at the other woman and said with a big smile, "Oh what a shame, there aren't any more chairs!" If the hub insisted upon finding an empty chair for the other woman, then I would've left.
Divorce your husband. Ava did not just happen to go to that restaurant by herself on your husband's birthday of all days... HAHAHAHA
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