Restaurant Server Secretly Gives Pregnant Woman Non-Alcoholic Cocktails, Faces Backlash Online
The 2.4-million-strong ‘AITA’ subreddit is a place for weird stories where people ask whether or not they were being jerks. And it proves that reality can sometimes be stranger than fiction. One post that got redditors’ and the media’s attention involved a server at a restaurant, an allegedly pregnant woman, and deception.
The server secretly served the woman ‘virgin’ (aka non-alcoholic) cocktails but got found out and suffered the consequences. Meanwhile, the ‘AITA’ crowd overwhelmingly called the Reddit user a jerk for what they did. However, we’d love to know what you think of the situation, dear Pandas. Have a read and let us know if what the author of the story did was justified or not. What would you have done in this situation?
We wanted to get more context about alcohol consumption during pregnancy, so we reached out to the British Pregnancy Advisory Service. A BPAS spokesperson told Bored Panda that “there is no compelling evidence of harm at lower levels of alcohol consumption. General precautionary advice to abstain is not based on evidence of harm caused by consumption, but rather, on the inability to rule out the risk.” Read on for more of their insights.
Image credits: Ruth Hartnup (not the actual photo)
Image credits: YouGottaStopThat
“While the available evidence points to a causal relationship between extremely high levels of drinking and harm, this evidence is predicated on an inability to rule out potential confounders (e.g. nutrition, other substance use, more general socio-economic factors) which could be at play. However, as the British Medical Association (BMA) notes, ‘Only four to five percent of children born to women who consumed large amounts of alcohol during pregnancy are affected by the full syndrome presentation,'” a BPAS representative told Bored Panda.
They highlighted that women are “entitled to make their own decisions regarding alcohol consumption during pregnancy, and the majority of women do abstain.”
The spokesperson continued: “Pregnant women ‘regulate’ their own consumption during pregnancy. Data shows that only a very small minority (2.9 percent) of women drinking more than one unit of alcohol per week during pregnancy.”
According to the BPAS spokesperson, the risks from consuming small amounts of alcohol during pregnancy might be overstated. “At BPAS, we see women who are so concerned about their alcohol consumption—often before they even realized they were pregnant—that they are considering ending an otherwise wanted pregnancy. The majority of pregnancies in the UK are not formally planned, and it may be several weeks before a woman suspects she is pregnant,” they said.
“Alcohol is enjoyed by many women of reproductive age and inevitably this means significant numbers of women will have drunk fairly heavily before finding out they were pregnant. These women need reassurance and accurate information,” the spokesperson pointed out.
“Within the UK, there is guidance directed to (potentially) pregnant women concerning alcohol consumption. The UK Chief Medical Officer’s ‘Low Risk Drinking Guidelines’ (2016) recommends ‘the safest level of alcohol consumption is no consumption at all.’ This recommendation was not given in light of any emerging evidence of harm, but rather due to the notion that women needed ‘simplicity’ in messaging. It adopts a purely precautionary stance (‘Why risk it?’), which is not reflective of the paucity of evidence regarding low-level consumption and harm.”
Most redditors thought that the server was in the wrong and explained exactly why they thought so
The redditors who branded the original poster a jerk had a lot of different arguments why the server might have been in the wrong. For instance, they had no surefire way of knowing that the woman was, in fact, pregnant.
What’s more, some pointed out that non-alcoholic beverages can be cheaper than alcoholic ones in some places. So the bit of trickery the server did could be interpreted as stealing. However, keep in mind that the cost of virgin and ‘real’ drinks doesn’t differ at all in some restaurants, so this argument is on thin ice. We simply don’t have enough info about this.
Overall, most redditors sided with the ideals of free will and non-intervention: you don’t mess with somebody else’s food without their knowledge, even if you have good intentions. There were those who jumped to the OP’s defense, though, and praised them for following through with their principles even if there was deception involved.
According to the CDC, mothers drinking alcohol during pregnancy can cause fetal alcohol spectrum disorders (or FASDs) in their children.
“These effects can include physical problems and problems with behavior and learning,” the CDC explains. “There is no known safe amount of alcohol during pregnancy or when trying to get pregnant. There is also no safe time to drink during pregnancy. Alcohol can cause problems for a developing baby throughout pregnancy, including before a woman knows she’s pregnant. All types of alcohol are equally harmful, including all wines and beer.”
Meanwhile, the NHS points out that the Chief Medical Officers for the United Kingdom recommend that pregnant women don’t drink alcohol to keep risks to your baby to a minimum.
“Drinking in pregnancy can lead to long-term harm to the baby, with the more you drink, the greater the risk.”
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Worked in a bar in the UK and that would be classed as food tampering and have some real serious consequences. The situation is not uncommon too. One occasion I heard "I'm 18 weeks along and so happy!" I asked, tactfully, if she was pregnant "Sorry, I could not help overhearing but are there congratulations in order for the anticipated patter of tiny feet?" Her table laughed and explained that she had recently got married. 10 minutes of ring showing and gushing over her new husband and married life being awesome etc later the landlord sent me over with a nice bottle of champagne (nothing too expensive) and some glasses. I got a good tip for that one
The waiter made an assumption based on a snippet of conversation, unilaterally decided what was appropriate for the customer when it was none of thier business and then decieved them about the order. The waiter is the arsehole. I had a waitress serve me unsalted fries and then refuse to serve me salt when I was pregnant.... Because it was 'bad for the baby'. People who think they can make choices about other peoples bodies are all arseholes.
This is a tough one. In reality it is none of your business and you have no right to dictate what she does when it isn’t illegal. I agree that I wouldn’t want to be involved with serving alcohol to a pregnant woman, but you know what I would do. I would ask someone else to step in and take the orders for that table. I also believe it is illegal to give someone misleading food or drink, not 100% sure though.
I'd say easy to answer: "a-hole or not?" (NOT, was not badly-intentioned); "wrong or not?" (yes, obviously). Just go straight to the manager, excuse yourself and they can deal with it.
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Big hole in this persons justification. They assume, with no confirmation, a woman is pregnant and won’t serve her alcohol for the safety of her possible baby....but they have no problem over serving the rest of the group who possible then get in their cars and drive drunk, therefore potentially harming hundreds on the roads. Hmmm. Seems like they are selective about their moral high ground.
Well, the difference here is that most of them are conscious and in control of their own actions while that baby is not.
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I worked at a gas station for awhile when I was younger. I had a bunch of regular costumers who I got to know and like. One was this older guy with clearly advanced emphysema. He came in almost daily to buy a pack of unfiltered, Pall Mall cigarettes. It broke my heart to have to sell them to him because, in a way, it felt like I was actively killing him. I mentioned it to my boss one day and she told not to feel bad because if he couldn't get them at our store, he'd just go buy them somewhere else. She was right, of course, but it was still awful.
At that point, he's dying anyway. If he wants to smoke that is 100% HIS business and you have nothing to say about it.
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I went to school with a girl who clearly was born with FAS (this was before it was a commonly known condition). Nobody who had met a child like that would ever knowingly give a pregnant woman an alcoholic drink. No one should ever have to...
This. I think people often forget that not all laws and rules are perfect.
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Deciding based on your consciuousness is right, playing tricks is not. This should have been taken to the manager, possibly leading to not serving the party. But it does not even seem there were complete information.
This. The server lied and it ended up biting them in the ass.
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If the woman was pregnant she shouldn't have been drinking, but that is not the server's call to make. If they didn't want to serve alcohol to a presumed pregnant woman then they should have said something to the manager and let them handle it. This person gives off a kind of annoying self righteous vibe in my opinion.
I remember one hard year of teaching when I said something to the effect that I was glad the first trimester was over and strangers who heard one sentence of the conversation decided to congratulate me on my pregnancy. MYOB.
The only reason that pregnant women are warned to abstain is that the medical establishment believes we are all stupid and lack good judgement. Alcohol in small amounts from time to time during pregnancy is not very likely to cause FAS, but we just can't be trusted. Cuz you know, we're weak little girls. It's a similar situation to women not being able to get sterilization surgery.... most are refused because it's assumed they don't really know what they want and will change their minds. If you treat women like fully autonomous adult equals this crap will stop happening. Some arsewhole server who thinks it's their duty to make decisions for a female they do not know should be fired on the spot. If you're claiming it's a moral choice don't work serving alcohol. you dingbat.
Forgive me for saying but while you're right, given the amount of people seem to believe in Trump and flat earth and blindly follow trends etc, can you really blame the medical establishment from saying, 'don't drink at all' as the blanket advice they give pregnant women? Because honestly, if they said, 'drink in moderation' I feel like there would be a vast number of women who would decide what they thought 'moderation' meant and drink excessively. No we are not all stupid, but there are a vast amount of really ignorant people out there and I feel like that's why the advice is not to drink at all. I don't think its necessarily a women = weak thing, rather a 'people are stupid' thing.
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The customer is NOT always right but he should have handled this more honestly. Most places don't require much of a reason to cut someone off. But you have to make an honest attempt to stop the person from drinking and make sure they understand why it's happening. Dude didn't do that and as such failed at step 2.
There is NO LEGAL GROUNDS for refusing to serve pregnant women, and there ARE laws against food tampering, which is what this server did. She deserves to be fired and blackballed in the industry.
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The very very first thing the person should have done is just consult their managers: "Hey boss, I overheard this conversation, this is the situation, tell me what I should do". Let your manager decide for you (preferably with a witness if you think it's really really important) and then do that. If whatever your manager asks you goes against your own personal convictions, you can always escalate or...walk away. I don't think the person is an asshole for what they did, but they didn't think things through and now will have to pay the consequences of their actions. It's a good life lesson.
What about the baby's body and the baby's choise? I don't believe anyone would want to get FAS.
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The waiter had no proof whatsoever that the woman was pregnant. He was wrong and should face consequences. Mind your own business.
The woman said she's pregnant. That's enough proof for me. Who is going to protect the baby if the mother is an a***hole? The problem with today's people is that no one cares about anyone but themselves.
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It was none of the waiter's business. There are different things she could've been 14 weeks along in, and if she looked pregnant, some medical conditions like IBS can make you look that way.
If I was the customer, i would have ripped them a new one. How dare they!?
Hm. I wonder if the server is a "pro-lifer" as well. It sounds like she thinks she has the right to make decisions about another woman's body/choices. She had absolutely no right to switch the drink order. None.
If the situation was as you assumed then the woman shouldn't be drinking much alcohol. But you shouldn't be making medical decisions for the woman either. There's already too much of that going around. It's her choice.
What about the baby's choise? They can't make their own choise heard so someone has to protect the babie's rights if the mother is too much of an a**hole to care..
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'The road to desaster is paved with good intentions.' The waiter is the asshole, well meaning as he was. He could have advertised virgin cocktaisl 'in case someone is the designated driver' but ultimately it's not his decision.
a-hole,no... wrong judgement, maybe... you're not an a-hole if you care about another human.
If your reading this I hope you have a great day and know. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV
What goes in your body goes to your baby. A pregnant woman drinking can't be responsible for the baby.
This guy violated her constitutional right to get drunk before getting an abortion
If someone had made that decision for me when I was pregnant then there would have been trouble, I would have gone to a lawyer and sought advice. It is not YOU who is pregnant, so it is not YOU who makes these decisions. Only a waitress, sounds like you will never be anything else.
Simply say that you are bot comfortable serving her alcohol, and then let someone else do it.
Totally wrong! Not his (her?) body, not his life - not his business to make the decision for the woman without even telling her. If he thought it was wrong for her to drink, he should have said so to his manager and said her refused to serve that lady an alcoholic drink because it was against his beliefs.
What about the baby's body, their life and their choise?
Load More Replies... As someone who served the public for a long time just ask to switch tables no harm no foul. Once your in uniform you really have no say because your on company time.But you can ask to be taken off a table.
Just another male trying to police women's bodies. I bartended for 15+ years and I served all kinds of people. The only ones I wouldn't serve is someone underage or an intoxicated person. It's not against the law for pregnant women to drink and 1 or 2 drinks occasionally is not going to hurt the baby.
Just curious, but where in the post did it say OP was male?
Load More Replies... I would’ve done the same thing. 💯 Without doubt. Alcohol is EXTREMELY dangerous to an undeveloped child, and I’d take the risk that I misheard them talking. I’d also rather get yelled at by my boss than being a part of another human being born with brain a disability that could’ve been prevented. I applause this one. 👏👏👏 Stood up for the baby, not the mom.
I've worked in all areas of food service. From high end restaurants to cocktail waitressing at a bar in my earlier days. I'm also a disabled veteran and ex correctional officer plus a mother of 2 something yr olds. I applaud the waiter for what he did. its just a shame that young mother doesn't realize how lucky she is that someone looked out for her and her unborn child. Alcoholic beverages can not only cause serious medical issues at birth but also can cause major developmental delays in her childs life as well as mental health issues. If you've never seen a child born with fetal alcohol syndrome or witnessed the developmental delays a child can suffer maybe you all wouldn't be so quick to be angered at this server and not the woman. I have seen this first hand I weighed only 4 lbs at birth when dr's weren't aware of the risks. I've witnessed it while working in corrections. he should have turned to another server or or asked a mngr what to do
I sympathize a lot with the server. I would definitely not serve alcohol to a pregnant woman. I suppose the correct solution was either to just tell the woman you weren't serving her alcohol or tell your manager and get someone else to serve them (although in the later case, you'd still know that someone else was serving them alcohol so the first option might be the best).
I'm absoluty shocked by the comments. But then again, I forgot the fact that you're all part of a society which is hopelessly adicted to a substance responsible for so much pain and misery.
I think that you may be against alcohol due to your religion which means you are overly biased against it. I doubt you'd feel the same if you were a different religion.
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Tried to do the right thing even if not correct, credit where it's due
So you have the right to refuse service to someone who is intoxicated. Meaning someone who has taken too much toxic things. You can refuse service to people who misbehave. It is a difficult line. If someone is acting like a bitch and being rude etc you can refuse service. There is no real objective measurement involved. She should have told the woman that she doesn't want to give alcohol to pregnant woman as it can cause serious health issues to the baby, and then ask if she is pregnant. Next, if the lady still wants alcohol and is pregnant, ask for another waiter to take over. .
You can't go around asking people if they're pregnant.
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Worked in a bar in the UK and that would be classed as food tampering and have some real serious consequences. The situation is not uncommon too. One occasion I heard "I'm 18 weeks along and so happy!" I asked, tactfully, if she was pregnant "Sorry, I could not help overhearing but are there congratulations in order for the anticipated patter of tiny feet?" Her table laughed and explained that she had recently got married. 10 minutes of ring showing and gushing over her new husband and married life being awesome etc later the landlord sent me over with a nice bottle of champagne (nothing too expensive) and some glasses. I got a good tip for that one
The waiter made an assumption based on a snippet of conversation, unilaterally decided what was appropriate for the customer when it was none of thier business and then decieved them about the order. The waiter is the arsehole. I had a waitress serve me unsalted fries and then refuse to serve me salt when I was pregnant.... Because it was 'bad for the baby'. People who think they can make choices about other peoples bodies are all arseholes.
This is a tough one. In reality it is none of your business and you have no right to dictate what she does when it isn’t illegal. I agree that I wouldn’t want to be involved with serving alcohol to a pregnant woman, but you know what I would do. I would ask someone else to step in and take the orders for that table. I also believe it is illegal to give someone misleading food or drink, not 100% sure though.
I'd say easy to answer: "a-hole or not?" (NOT, was not badly-intentioned); "wrong or not?" (yes, obviously). Just go straight to the manager, excuse yourself and they can deal with it.
Load More Replies... Big hole in this persons justification. They assume, with no confirmation, a woman is pregnant and won’t serve her alcohol for the safety of her possible baby....but they have no problem over serving the rest of the group who possible then get in their cars and drive drunk, therefore potentially harming hundreds on the roads. Hmmm. Seems like they are selective about their moral high ground.
Well, the difference here is that most of them are conscious and in control of their own actions while that baby is not.
Load More Replies... I worked at a gas station for awhile when I was younger. I had a bunch of regular costumers who I got to know and like. One was this older guy with clearly advanced emphysema. He came in almost daily to buy a pack of unfiltered, Pall Mall cigarettes. It broke my heart to have to sell them to him because, in a way, it felt like I was actively killing him. I mentioned it to my boss one day and she told not to feel bad because if he couldn't get them at our store, he'd just go buy them somewhere else. She was right, of course, but it was still awful.
At that point, he's dying anyway. If he wants to smoke that is 100% HIS business and you have nothing to say about it.
Load More Replies... I went to school with a girl who clearly was born with FAS (this was before it was a commonly known condition). Nobody who had met a child like that would ever knowingly give a pregnant woman an alcoholic drink. No one should ever have to...
This. I think people often forget that not all laws and rules are perfect.
Load More Replies... Deciding based on your consciuousness is right, playing tricks is not. This should have been taken to the manager, possibly leading to not serving the party. But it does not even seem there were complete information.
This. The server lied and it ended up biting them in the ass.
Load More Replies... If the woman was pregnant she shouldn't have been drinking, but that is not the server's call to make. If they didn't want to serve alcohol to a presumed pregnant woman then they should have said something to the manager and let them handle it. This person gives off a kind of annoying self righteous vibe in my opinion.
I remember one hard year of teaching when I said something to the effect that I was glad the first trimester was over and strangers who heard one sentence of the conversation decided to congratulate me on my pregnancy. MYOB.
The only reason that pregnant women are warned to abstain is that the medical establishment believes we are all stupid and lack good judgement. Alcohol in small amounts from time to time during pregnancy is not very likely to cause FAS, but we just can't be trusted. Cuz you know, we're weak little girls. It's a similar situation to women not being able to get sterilization surgery.... most are refused because it's assumed they don't really know what they want and will change their minds. If you treat women like fully autonomous adult equals this crap will stop happening. Some arsewhole server who thinks it's their duty to make decisions for a female they do not know should be fired on the spot. If you're claiming it's a moral choice don't work serving alcohol. you dingbat.
Forgive me for saying but while you're right, given the amount of people seem to believe in Trump and flat earth and blindly follow trends etc, can you really blame the medical establishment from saying, 'don't drink at all' as the blanket advice they give pregnant women? Because honestly, if they said, 'drink in moderation' I feel like there would be a vast number of women who would decide what they thought 'moderation' meant and drink excessively. No we are not all stupid, but there are a vast amount of really ignorant people out there and I feel like that's why the advice is not to drink at all. I don't think its necessarily a women = weak thing, rather a 'people are stupid' thing.
Load More Replies... The customer is NOT always right but he should have handled this more honestly. Most places don't require much of a reason to cut someone off. But you have to make an honest attempt to stop the person from drinking and make sure they understand why it's happening. Dude didn't do that and as such failed at step 2.
There is NO LEGAL GROUNDS for refusing to serve pregnant women, and there ARE laws against food tampering, which is what this server did. She deserves to be fired and blackballed in the industry.
Load More Replies... The very very first thing the person should have done is just consult their managers: "Hey boss, I overheard this conversation, this is the situation, tell me what I should do". Let your manager decide for you (preferably with a witness if you think it's really really important) and then do that. If whatever your manager asks you goes against your own personal convictions, you can always escalate or...walk away. I don't think the person is an asshole for what they did, but they didn't think things through and now will have to pay the consequences of their actions. It's a good life lesson.
What about the baby's body and the baby's choise? I don't believe anyone would want to get FAS.
Load More Replies... The waiter had no proof whatsoever that the woman was pregnant. He was wrong and should face consequences. Mind your own business.
The woman said she's pregnant. That's enough proof for me. Who is going to protect the baby if the mother is an a***hole? The problem with today's people is that no one cares about anyone but themselves.
Load More Replies... It was none of the waiter's business. There are different things she could've been 14 weeks along in, and if she looked pregnant, some medical conditions like IBS can make you look that way.
If I was the customer, i would have ripped them a new one. How dare they!?
Hm. I wonder if the server is a "pro-lifer" as well. It sounds like she thinks she has the right to make decisions about another woman's body/choices. She had absolutely no right to switch the drink order. None.
If the situation was as you assumed then the woman shouldn't be drinking much alcohol. But you shouldn't be making medical decisions for the woman either. There's already too much of that going around. It's her choice.
What about the baby's choise? They can't make their own choise heard so someone has to protect the babie's rights if the mother is too much of an a**hole to care..
Load More Replies... 'The road to desaster is paved with good intentions.' The waiter is the asshole, well meaning as he was. He could have advertised virgin cocktaisl 'in case someone is the designated driver' but ultimately it's not his decision.
a-hole,no... wrong judgement, maybe... you're not an a-hole if you care about another human.
If your reading this I hope you have a great day and know. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 NIV
What goes in your body goes to your baby. A pregnant woman drinking can't be responsible for the baby.
This guy violated her constitutional right to get drunk before getting an abortion
If someone had made that decision for me when I was pregnant then there would have been trouble, I would have gone to a lawyer and sought advice. It is not YOU who is pregnant, so it is not YOU who makes these decisions. Only a waitress, sounds like you will never be anything else.
Simply say that you are bot comfortable serving her alcohol, and then let someone else do it.
Totally wrong! Not his (her?) body, not his life - not his business to make the decision for the woman without even telling her. If he thought it was wrong for her to drink, he should have said so to his manager and said her refused to serve that lady an alcoholic drink because it was against his beliefs.
What about the baby's body, their life and their choise?
Load More Replies... As someone who served the public for a long time just ask to switch tables no harm no foul. Once your in uniform you really have no say because your on company time.But you can ask to be taken off a table.
Just another male trying to police women's bodies. I bartended for 15+ years and I served all kinds of people. The only ones I wouldn't serve is someone underage or an intoxicated person. It's not against the law for pregnant women to drink and 1 or 2 drinks occasionally is not going to hurt the baby.
Just curious, but where in the post did it say OP was male?
Load More Replies... I would’ve done the same thing. 💯 Without doubt. Alcohol is EXTREMELY dangerous to an undeveloped child, and I’d take the risk that I misheard them talking. I’d also rather get yelled at by my boss than being a part of another human being born with brain a disability that could’ve been prevented. I applause this one. 👏👏👏 Stood up for the baby, not the mom.
I've worked in all areas of food service. From high end restaurants to cocktail waitressing at a bar in my earlier days. I'm also a disabled veteran and ex correctional officer plus a mother of 2 something yr olds. I applaud the waiter for what he did. its just a shame that young mother doesn't realize how lucky she is that someone looked out for her and her unborn child. Alcoholic beverages can not only cause serious medical issues at birth but also can cause major developmental delays in her childs life as well as mental health issues. If you've never seen a child born with fetal alcohol syndrome or witnessed the developmental delays a child can suffer maybe you all wouldn't be so quick to be angered at this server and not the woman. I have seen this first hand I weighed only 4 lbs at birth when dr's weren't aware of the risks. I've witnessed it while working in corrections. he should have turned to another server or or asked a mngr what to do
I sympathize a lot with the server. I would definitely not serve alcohol to a pregnant woman. I suppose the correct solution was either to just tell the woman you weren't serving her alcohol or tell your manager and get someone else to serve them (although in the later case, you'd still know that someone else was serving them alcohol so the first option might be the best).
I'm absoluty shocked by the comments. But then again, I forgot the fact that you're all part of a society which is hopelessly adicted to a substance responsible for so much pain and misery.
I think that you may be against alcohol due to your religion which means you are overly biased against it. I doubt you'd feel the same if you were a different religion.
Load More Replies... Tried to do the right thing even if not correct, credit where it's due
So you have the right to refuse service to someone who is intoxicated. Meaning someone who has taken too much toxic things. You can refuse service to people who misbehave. It is a difficult line. If someone is acting like a bitch and being rude etc you can refuse service. There is no real objective measurement involved. She should have told the woman that she doesn't want to give alcohol to pregnant woman as it can cause serious health issues to the baby, and then ask if she is pregnant. Next, if the lady still wants alcohol and is pregnant, ask for another waiter to take over. .
You can't go around asking people if they're pregnant.
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