Mom Pays For Her Unemployed Husband’s 5+ Streaming Services, Asks Him To Pick One And He Loses It
How a married couple solves their conflicts often determines whether their relationship crumbles or holds firm. But a big part of preserving long-term connection also requires a great deal of working with yourself; people need to drop false beliefs and dysfunctional habits if they want to spend the rest of their lives with someone.
But Reddit user u/Throw_A3632ESD4 thinks her husband hasn’t (fully) realized it yet. Recently, the woman made a post on the subreddit “Am I The [Jerk?]” about a particular problem they’ve been having. You see, while she has no problem being the sole provider for the family while her husband stays unemployed, u/Throw_A3632ESD4 doesn’t like the fact that he’s spending over $80 a month on streaming services when the money could go to their children, who constantly need something.
But after OP tried to communicate this to her partner, he got really emotional and shifted the blame onto her, criticizing the woman’s own spending habits. Continue scrolling to dive deeper into the situation and tell us who you think is in the wrong and why in the comment section below.
Image credits: Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throw_A3632ESD4
Psychologist Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D., said that every couple has at least one recurring conflict. To find out which are the common ones, Gordon ran a study with 100 cohabiting couples, where each partner rated the extent to which they agreed or disagreed with their significant other on 15 different topics.
“Family relationships had the highest percentage of people who reported always disagreeing (3%), but at the same time, most people reported almost or always agreeing about family (58%),” Gordon explained her findings. “Religious matters and finances were also topics that had higher percentages of disagreement (2.5%). But like family matters, religious matters also had the highest proportion of people who reported they always agree with their partner (37%). It seems that for a few people, matters related to family and religion are recurring issues, but for many people, they are rarely, if ever, a source of disagreement. Overall, the top three issues that people in our study tended to report disagreeing about the most were communication styles, conventionality (the proper way to act), and sex, followed closely by chores and finances.”
Gordon said that other researchers had similar results. “In a larger one-time study of over 1,000 participants, communication was selected as the most common source of conflict, along with habits, chores, and finances. More than a third of the sample also selected decision-making, quality time together, sex, and screen time as top sources of conflict.”
“[But] with checklists, the top sources of conflict might depend on which topics are included in the list. Instead of giving people a checklist, researchers have also tried just asking people what they fight about. A group of researchers (Lopes et al., 2020) surveyed individuals to identify common reasons for conflict and found eight main areas: Inadequate attention/affection, Jealousy/Infidelity, Chores/Responsibilities, Sex, Control/Dominance, and Future Plans/Money.”
Couples throw a lot of time, money, and energy into learning how to communicate better with the belief that if couples can figure out how to communicate well, they can tackle any issues that come their way. After all, communication is consistently reported as a top source of conflict.
Relationship coach Jessica Brighton thinks that talking it through is pretty much the best thing partners can do when they enter a disagreement.
“The key to a resolution becomes communication and the concept of picking your battles,” she told Bustle. “You need to have an extensive conversation to discuss your feelings and where each of you stands on the issue. If you determine that you are still unable to find common ground, then a compromise and agreeing to disagree may be your best plan of action.”
Brighton noted that nothing is perfect, but it’s necessary to focus on the positive and reframe your outlook if you want to stay together.
“We all have to deal with negative issues and unpleasant situations in the other avenues of our lives,” she said. “Why deal with one more in your personal life? If you determine that the positives in your relationship outweigh the negatives, I suggest you embrace the positivity and happiness that your relationship brings you and focus less on the one negative issue.”
So I hope u/Throw_A3632ESD4 and her husband will find a way out of this feud.
Some people think the husband is to blame
While others say they both could do better
Male here and I think a lot or people are focusing on her makeup vs. his streaming expenses way, way too much. 1st) Depending on her job, if it requires a lot of social interaction or she deals with the public, she may need makeup. Looking haggard and drawn out isn't a face you want to put out there. And, like it or not, some people really need to wear makeup. 2nd) Over a year's time, her makeup costs are way, way less than his streaming. Streaming is costing them about $1K yearly and can be way more if they are paying month to month. If she buys make up every 3 months, it's about $200 yearly... $150 if a few months is every 4. As for saving them child care expenses, if he were working they could easily afford it and have extra money for his streaming... but he wouldn't be able to watch them all day. All things considered, he sounds like an entitled jerk.
I'm a guy, and one of the 'less is more' and 'no makeup is attractive' camp. However I also understand that the way makeup generally affects women is much more profound than I'll ever be able to understand as a guy. Sorry to get all Godwin's Law here, but this story changed my mind long ago and I won't forget it: https://kmarloyost.medium.com/the-lipstick-miracle-of-bergen-belsen-2665b0730509
Load More Replies...
NTA. If you are breadwinner and still do chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, (what does he do exactly?) you do get to spend a little on yourself, also, it might help in her work (not looking tired through the help of makeup). 80 dollar a month for streaming services vc 50 couple of months (say 3 months) for makeup... 240 vs 50. Does he go the the hairdresser? Usually men go more often. TV is luxury, makeup can be luxury but is much more then that, it defines also how people see you (literally), and she needs it maybe for her self esteem. It's a little thing that makes her not only be a mom and working person, but also makes her a woman. The moment she neglects herself is one to worry. If he want's streaming services then he should start working. And the breastfeeding thing is ridiculous, it costs her a lot of time and energy (she'd need to eat a bit more and pay attention to what she eats), and what does he do? Nothing.
Would you say 'what does she do? Nothing'. If the roles were reversed? Sounds to me like you're all about the feminism (which is great!), but when you say the thing about the barber - why is it okay for her to 'feel like a woman' with makeup, but he can't get his hair cut? Again, reverse roles - how would you react if the breadwinning husband spent money on, say, a manicure and beard products to make him feel tidy and polished for work, but she wanted to wear makeup to feel like a woman? Would you say she, as a SAHP wasn't allowed, because she does 'nothing' all day?
Load More Replies...
If he's really being a SAHP to a toddler and a baby, how does he have time to watch all that streaming TV?
A person can watch TV while changing diapers and doing housework, provided of course that one DOES do housework and change diapers.
Load More Replies...
We both work, have good salaries and on principle, won't pay for one than more streaming service. If you need the English term for your other half, it's "twat".
I agree. We have one service and it's Netflix (I pay for). Who needs that many services??
Load More Replies...
I agree with the ESH, but obviously the husband sucks way more. Makeup isn't a personality trait, it's a luxury just like streaming services. They need to sit down as a couple, look at how much they spend on food, utilities, bills, luxuries, etc in a period of 3/6 months & rebudget. Both of them. He was WAY out of line for putting streaming services above his kids getting fed & his wife's comfort. That was awful to his whole family. But if she wanted him to cut back to one streaming service (around $10 a month) while regularly spending $50 every couple months that wouldn't be fair to the whole family either. He was a way bigger AH but she needs to reassess her priorities too. She needs new shoes & her kids have expensive requirements. What's more important to her: Being able to walk comfortably when her last pair gives up? Being able to provide for her children? Or having a fully stocked makeup kit? She doesn't have to give it up entirely, just spend less; just like her husband using one streaming channel instead of several. If the family needs to budget, they BOTH have to make sacrifices.
I feel like they need some outside financial advice. $50 makeup or $80 monthly streaming shouldn't make or break your livelihood. Is he really pulling his weight as a SAHP or would you all be better off with him working? His 'too much dignity to settle for another job' excuse doesn't work when there's a family that needs support. Having to choose between TV and optimal/safe food for your child should be a wakeup call.
Load More Replies...
Makeup may be a luxury, but it can help with the job like a good suit does. Presentation for a job is a bit more important than a Netflix subscription. Just sayin'.
If she needed it for her job, she probably would've made that argument in her defense. Instead she said it was part of her personality. Besides, people can look presentable & friendly without makeup or with bare minimal makeup if they need to look approachable for work.
Load More Replies...
They both sound like A- Holes, I cannot imagine sitting at home all day waiting for my partner to come home and do the house work, I don't care what people say it's not hard to clean a house. Make-up is not a personality, even if she's a goth it's still a luxury not a necessity. From a gender angle, it's interesting seeing how people react to a man not working vs a woman, a few months back we had Bored Panda run a story about a stay at home mom, she at least did the house work but the money he brought in was considered their money while here it's her money. Her looking after their child was considered a contribution while this guy is apparently not contributing anything.
I don’t like the comments that say it’s her money. If she’s the breadwinner for the couple, it’s the couple’s money and they should make financial decisions together.
Load More Replies...
Definitely NTA. Work through watching everything on a streaming service one at a time. He sounds like an entitled thot man-child that is gaslightijg you to push the blame on you. OP is the bread winner AND she cooks, cleans, and does the "washing" (laundry?), which makes me wonder what exactly he contributes. This relationship sounds painfully one-sided. I'm completely miffed that anyone would even suggest ESH because she is wanting to trim back on 5 streaming services to avoid financial ruin.
Curious comment. Housework doesn't stop at 5pm (assuming that's the end of her work day). Why does she get to do nothing when she gets home? That sounds like a 1950s role reversal. We used to have a tiny washing machine with 3 kids, and only recently upgraded, because the small one worked and we couldn't justifu soending money on a new one. But with it being small, it was running pretty much non-stop, with 5 people's clothes and linens. When I was a SAHP, my husband and I would work together to keep trying to get through it all when he got home from paid employment. I did the larger share of the housework, obviously, but there is always housework to do. It doesn't stop at 5pm.
Load More Replies...
My thought is this...if he's not looking for work and not doing the house chores, then he gets squat. I would tell him the job of looking after the house falls on the SAHP. While you will contribute to the house chores, you are also the one that is forced to spend a lot of time away from your kids. Maybe instead of suggesting the breastfeeding too, you can suggest he put a crowbar between him and the couch and try feeding the baby more solid foods so formula would not be necessary. If he wants the streaming service, he better figure out a way to raise the money.
Um. He's looking after the kids?? Would you assume a SAHM just sits on the couch all day and requires a crowbar? Would you say she is not entitled to any luxury at all, because she is caring for the children? I feel you'd be right on the bandwagon of, 'SAHM are underappreciated! She requires rest and wine for her mere sanity!'
Load More Replies... If he is watching a toddler and a 9 month old, and he is apparently too busy to do any housework, how does he have time for all those streaming services? [sarc off] If he didn't spend so much time on the streaming he would have more time to do most of the house work, which would be a much more equitable sharing. For fairness, only one or maybe two steaming services if he also pitched the house work. He is watching the kids, right?
Dump him. He's a financial and emotional vampire. I've been there. You'll think it's too hard to do, it's too much work to do, it's too difficult to imagine doing. You'll do it in five years and be much happier, and wish you had done it now.
Op is NTA. Sure, she could spend a bit less on makeup, but of she's working in an office, she does have a certain standard of hygiene and appearance to maintain for professional reasons. If the husband was doing chores and actually CARING for the kids, then a couple streaming services would be acceptable. But he's spending monthly more than what she spends on makeup every FEW months. And he does very little at home as well! He's an abusive leech.
Wow. Strong opinion. Nowhere does it say he doesn't care for the kids. You merely assume he 'does little at home', but on what premise? Because he's unemployed and therefore, in your eyes, a bum? He takes care of the kids. Maybe he is bathing the kids while she cooks dinner. Maybe that's an agreement they came to which wasn't communicated in this post. I'll bet if the roles were reversed and he as the breadwinner told his wife she couldn't have streaming services, you'd also call him an abusive leech. Leeching off her SAHP status. Abusive because he's controlling what she can and can't do through the day.
Load More Replies...
nta. she's the breadwinner AND does chores. also her make up doesn't even cost nearly as much as his streaming. he should find a part time job at least. and/or cancel some of the streaming stuff
Why should he find a part-time job? Do you believe that would outweigh the cost of childcare? Do you think it's totally fair that he works merely to pay for someone to look after the kids while he works? Why? Because he's a man and 'should' have a job?
Load More Replies... Also the worst part of this story is that she’s defined as “mom” while he’s defined as “husband.”
Makeup is an essential item for a professional woman. It is part of presenting oneself as well groomed.
Oh come on! Get out of 1950 for the love of god. Make up is awful and has nothing to do with professional presentation.
Load More Replies...
Think they can both agree to cut down a bit. The husband can give up a few streaming services and the wife can give up some makeup products. He is watching the kid and child care in insanely expensive though he should help out more around the house from the sounds of it. Makeup as a personality trait is pretty stupid but it is her money so whatever. I feel there is a middle ground here but I also feel like they both just ended up attacking each other because they are both frustrated with the situation.
It isn't her money. It is their money. But everything else, I agree with completely.
Load More Replies...
How come SHE is short on money buying baby formula for THEIR child (and presumably groceries for the whole family)? Feeding the children and keeping the roof over their collective heads is the responsibility of both the parents (or all the adults). Sure, the arrangement may be that one is earning money and the other is saving money by caring for the kids. That doesn't mean the SAHP isn't reponsible for the household finances.
Next on BP: "Husband Suggests Wife Starts Working As A Prostitute Instead Of Selling His Four Muscle Cars To Pay For The Cost Of Living, Family Drama Ensues." And "Husband Suggests Wife Stops Having Children To Save Money, Family Drama Ensues"
I find this somewhat funny, I am still breastfeeding and do you have any idea how much extra I eat to do that? I doubt that switching to formula is a much cheaper option (depending on what you eat off course, but I guess he does want you to be healthy)
If he's so convinced that it's wrong not to breastfeed just for health reasons, let him do it.
Well, it's not like she can at this point, the milk has stopped coming. There are no longer any options on the formula front.
Load More Replies...
The last comment there gets it. Reverse the genders, and Bored Panda would be in outrage.
Reverse the genders, ok but do you honestly think he would be coming home from work to do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry while she watches 2 kids and 5 streaming services?
Load More Replies...
It’s called budgeting and essential. NTA. Especially if you oversee the finances and need to make adjustments! Breastfeeding is expensive - you have to load calories, buy ointments, a pump for at work, and more. Put numbers in front of him and give a reality check.
Sadly, daycare is also expensive, so it's not like she can afford to just chuck him out. And so is alimony and child support, if he's unemployed.
Load More Replies... They need to find a way to work as a team - us against the problem. It's not forever, they're just in the eye of the storm with kids that age and only one income. Set a strict budget now and agree how much each of you can spend on 'nice to haves' each month (though make-up can be an essential for some jobs), now and when the other half is working again.
Your comment is sensible. Thank you for being a rare voice of reason in a ridiculous sea of 'dump him', 'he's a loser/child', 'he's abusive/toxic'.
Load More Replies... These horrible people have a kid. They both are assholes and their kid will be lucky to not be an asshole. She’s a breadwinner with terrible budgeting skills, minimalizing the work of a stay at home parent. He’s a terrible homemaker, mansplaining breast feeding to a working mom and he has a TV addiction. They’re both whining about not being able to afford shoes and streaming and makeup, but they have two small kids they clearly can’t afford and didn’t need, since they aren’t doing a good job on that either. Yuck.
He is definitely an ass. Though they are likely living in excess in many other aspects if they are subscribing to that many streaming services when they aren't a necessity. They need to sit down and really look at their finances.
He's more so the jackass, but the makeup costing $50 every few months is a little much too. Mascara is good for 6 months. Blush, eyeshadow, foundation, lipstick and eyeliner is also good for about 4-6 months, some longer.
Every few months is not a defined amount of time. It could be every six months.
Load More Replies...
If he's a stay at home dad he needs to do the majority of the chores. It's hard being the stay at home parent. It's exhausting and to be honest I felt relieved at work but also guilty bc I wasn't home 24/7. If I was still a sahm I would want my tv too but I'd be able to compromise. I had sympathy for him until she said she did the majority of the chores, the fakeup bull, and of course the breast feeding thing. He's an AH and he's acting entitled to her body and her things.
Reading through more of the comments, I can't help but feel the sexism coming through from pretty much every corner. Is everyone putting the husband down because, at the CORE of it, he is unemployed, and traditional standards say the man should work? When small kids and tight finances are involved, BOTH parents, invariably, feel underappreciated. We got one side of it. I feel badly for the husband. Obviously, if finances are tight, everyone cuts costs, which would probably be achieved in a calm discussion, but we see the one-sided result of what was probably a heated argument. ESH, because these conversations should be held privately - the husband sucks for what he said about formula (which was probably an angry comment, not a serious suggestion), the wife sucks for making this everyone else's business.
ESH. Sounds like there is a lot more to this argument than streaming vs makeup. He is a SAHP, she works. That doesn't entitle her to say 'this is MY money'. It is 'OUR' money. When I was a SAHP, my husband's wages went toward supporting the family. I did the housework and child-caring through the day, but when he got home, WE did the housework and child-caring TOGETHER, because housework and child-caring is a 24hr job. We BOTH worked through the day, our jobs were just different, and I didn't get paid. Because she works, doesn't entitle her to do nothing when she gets home. I feel the husband stepped out of line suggesting cancelling formula, but likely was said on the heat of an argument, probably not something he'd have said in a calm discussion. Reverse the roles, and the breadwinning husband would be labelled controlling/ungrateful. We have no idea - maybe he is actually a fantastic father and enriches his kids lives. Just because he is unemployed doesn't
Just because he is unemployed, doesn't autoatically make him a loser.
Load More Replies...
Sounds like they've got to work as a team. I'm not a parent yet and I'm still struggling to be efficient with my finances honestly. But, once you're sharing money and a home with someone, you've got to work together across every domain or things will fall apart. Life is stressful, both of you need to stop being petty and get on the collaboration train.
Cancel all the subscriptions except YOUR favorite, then use the money you saved to file for a divorce. I had a husband like this once..... HAD. To this day he leaches off every girl that he can swoon until they figure out what a deadbeat he is. He's gross.
So your personal experience of one man means all men are arseholes? Every person is an individual, and you have no idea about their relationship except what she chooses to tell you (a complete stranger). Yes, some men are leeches. So are some women. Not all.
Load More Replies...
Couple of issues here: 1) you have 3 children not 2. 2) You are enabling him by allwoing to stay unemployed. 3) You are the breadwinner therefore what you say goes. Discussion over on that one. 4) you are still married to this loser for what reason now? This relationship is unequal and toxic. END. IT.. Also is this the example you want for your children? The golden rule around money and household economics is "Who ever pays, Says" You are the one who is paying therefore you are the only one doing the saying. Cancel everything and boot his ass out. Now!
Are you kidding?! 'You're the breadwinner, so what you say goes'. And of the breadwinner in this scenario was the man? I think you'd be more like, 'it's not the 1950s! Marriages are partnerships! Taking care of kids all day is hard'. 'Enabling him by 'allowing' him to stay unemployed'?? What happens to the kids while they're both at work? Why does he have to take 'any' (read: low-paying) job, so he can work just to pay for childcare while he is at work? And why is he a loser? Because they had an argument, likely a lot of stuff was said in anger (we all say stupid stuff when we're angry). Or is it because he's a man and unemployed, and therefore in your stereotyped head, is a loser? Your views are ridiculous. 'Whoever pays, says'? No, whoever earns the money shares that money with the family, because that's what a healthy relationship is.
Load More Replies...
Well, im thinking about money saving options, can you pump milk? Thats the way I went, and your job has to give you time to pump for your child. Store it in a fridge at work and bring home? formula is a real budget killer. I do think taking his netflix away is too extreme we all need something to relax and use for kids to keep them occupied for bits of time. What really needs to happen is your husband needs to find a way to bring income into the house regardless of his pride. It is incredibly selfish of him to not work at all when he is perfectly capable to do so. In other words, he needs to bloody man up
He needs to man up? So all Stay At Home Dads aren't manly, because they don't have paid employment? Why is he 'perfectly capable' of working? He is working. He is the primary caregiver. This is work. Childcare is expensive.
Load More Replies...
Reducing his streaming services isnt financially controlling him ffs.
& here's me dealing with a mother in law who thinks I should get my son on formula over me breastfeeding him ...
I can't believe you're even justifying yourself. He sounds very toxic and controlling. Please if you have not done so already speak to friends about how you can exist that abusive relationship.
This is catastrophising a single argument. *eyeroll* He is not abusive or toxic from this single post. Would you consider her abusive if she was the SAHP? Taking care of the kids all day, maybe struggling with the housework? Toddlers and babies are a time-suck. Maybe he is actually exhausted and needs help, too. Maybe he is feeling underappreciated for his role in the family.
Load More Replies...
"makeup is my personality"? That just seems weird. That said, subscription services are stupid, and I think this husband is a hot pile of garbage.
Stupid question. I know what NTA means but what does ESH mean?
NTA, but…..why did *you* choose to make babies with this unmotivated man-child? You have very young children. I guarantee you knew this man was like this before you got pregnant with the toddler.
He HAD a job when *they* made the "decision" to make babies.
Load More Replies...
He's sounds terrible and controlling himself. Throw the whole husband away.
Somebody call cps I think she married a child! But tbh, I can't understand anyone who said ESH. A ton of jobs need you to wear make-up to keep up appearances. She literally does everything in their household and her husband apparently just watches tv all day. She can spend her money on as much make-up as she damn well pleases.
This is a very generalised opinion. 'Literally does everything' would imply she also cares for the children through the day. Maybe you need to consult a dictionary to understand the term 'literally'. Her husband 'apparently' watching tv all day is based off what? Having multiple streaming services does not automatically equate to watching tv all day. She says nothing about his role as the primary caregiver, because her goal is to justify what she wants you to believe. Oh, and it's not her money. It is their money.
Load More Replies...
Nobody is looking at his contributions. Being a stay at home parent is hard work. His share to the household is raising the children and saving those daycare expenses. They need to create a budget together, with each getting pocket money they get to spend however they want. He can buy streaming services and she can buy her make up. They are both contributing to the home though. It's wrong to say that just because she is the one bringing in the money, that anything he wants she has to approve of.
I don't know why you have been downvoted. Here's an upvote for speaking sense. The majority of commenters on here live in a ridiculous make-believe world where SAHMs and working mums have all the power, and husbands and fathers are only a means to an income.
Load More Replies...
Half (or more) of them are fake to begin with. And yes, the style is always the same: Pick a main topic that polarizes, season with similar or different topic which polarize aswell and see how it plays out. It’s often but not always: lgbt, money, uneven spending, spending on hobbies some might not find appealing (gaming/tv vs makeup), involving innocent children, or other sensitive topics, like religion, disabilities, politics. I don’t know what else the purpose of these stories is but to make us numb towards the real people in between those stories. And at this point I don’t even care anymore. If makeup is part of your personality, so be it. If you need 6 streaming services, pay for them or ask a relative for family share. If I spend 3,6k on a gaming computer, I worked hard for, so be it. And if I buy 2 of those, so my wife can play with me, deal with it.
Load More Replies... So, Cuervo, are you saying that this situation is all HER fault because she was born with ovaries?
Load More Replies... Male here and I think a lot or people are focusing on her makeup vs. his streaming expenses way, way too much. 1st) Depending on her job, if it requires a lot of social interaction or she deals with the public, she may need makeup. Looking haggard and drawn out isn't a face you want to put out there. And, like it or not, some people really need to wear makeup. 2nd) Over a year's time, her makeup costs are way, way less than his streaming. Streaming is costing them about $1K yearly and can be way more if they are paying month to month. If she buys make up every 3 months, it's about $200 yearly... $150 if a few months is every 4. As for saving them child care expenses, if he were working they could easily afford it and have extra money for his streaming... but he wouldn't be able to watch them all day. All things considered, he sounds like an entitled jerk.
I'm a guy, and one of the 'less is more' and 'no makeup is attractive' camp. However I also understand that the way makeup generally affects women is much more profound than I'll ever be able to understand as a guy. Sorry to get all Godwin's Law here, but this story changed my mind long ago and I won't forget it: https://kmarloyost.medium.com/the-lipstick-miracle-of-bergen-belsen-2665b0730509
Load More Replies... NTA. If you are breadwinner and still do chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry, (what does he do exactly?) you do get to spend a little on yourself, also, it might help in her work (not looking tired through the help of makeup). 80 dollar a month for streaming services vc 50 couple of months (say 3 months) for makeup... 240 vs 50. Does he go the the hairdresser? Usually men go more often. TV is luxury, makeup can be luxury but is much more then that, it defines also how people see you (literally), and she needs it maybe for her self esteem. It's a little thing that makes her not only be a mom and working person, but also makes her a woman. The moment she neglects herself is one to worry. If he want's streaming services then he should start working. And the breastfeeding thing is ridiculous, it costs her a lot of time and energy (she'd need to eat a bit more and pay attention to what she eats), and what does he do? Nothing.
Would you say 'what does she do? Nothing'. If the roles were reversed? Sounds to me like you're all about the feminism (which is great!), but when you say the thing about the barber - why is it okay for her to 'feel like a woman' with makeup, but he can't get his hair cut? Again, reverse roles - how would you react if the breadwinning husband spent money on, say, a manicure and beard products to make him feel tidy and polished for work, but she wanted to wear makeup to feel like a woman? Would you say she, as a SAHP wasn't allowed, because she does 'nothing' all day?
Load More Replies... If he's really being a SAHP to a toddler and a baby, how does he have time to watch all that streaming TV?
A person can watch TV while changing diapers and doing housework, provided of course that one DOES do housework and change diapers.
Load More Replies... We both work, have good salaries and on principle, won't pay for one than more streaming service. If you need the English term for your other half, it's "twat".
I agree. We have one service and it's Netflix (I pay for). Who needs that many services??
Load More Replies... I agree with the ESH, but obviously the husband sucks way more. Makeup isn't a personality trait, it's a luxury just like streaming services. They need to sit down as a couple, look at how much they spend on food, utilities, bills, luxuries, etc in a period of 3/6 months & rebudget. Both of them. He was WAY out of line for putting streaming services above his kids getting fed & his wife's comfort. That was awful to his whole family. But if she wanted him to cut back to one streaming service (around $10 a month) while regularly spending $50 every couple months that wouldn't be fair to the whole family either. He was a way bigger AH but she needs to reassess her priorities too. She needs new shoes & her kids have expensive requirements. What's more important to her: Being able to walk comfortably when her last pair gives up? Being able to provide for her children? Or having a fully stocked makeup kit? She doesn't have to give it up entirely, just spend less; just like her husband using one streaming channel instead of several. If the family needs to budget, they BOTH have to make sacrifices.
I feel like they need some outside financial advice. $50 makeup or $80 monthly streaming shouldn't make or break your livelihood. Is he really pulling his weight as a SAHP or would you all be better off with him working? His 'too much dignity to settle for another job' excuse doesn't work when there's a family that needs support. Having to choose between TV and optimal/safe food for your child should be a wakeup call.
Load More Replies... Makeup may be a luxury, but it can help with the job like a good suit does. Presentation for a job is a bit more important than a Netflix subscription. Just sayin'.
If she needed it for her job, she probably would've made that argument in her defense. Instead she said it was part of her personality. Besides, people can look presentable & friendly without makeup or with bare minimal makeup if they need to look approachable for work.
Load More Replies... They both sound like A- Holes, I cannot imagine sitting at home all day waiting for my partner to come home and do the house work, I don't care what people say it's not hard to clean a house. Make-up is not a personality, even if she's a goth it's still a luxury not a necessity. From a gender angle, it's interesting seeing how people react to a man not working vs a woman, a few months back we had Bored Panda run a story about a stay at home mom, she at least did the house work but the money he brought in was considered their money while here it's her money. Her looking after their child was considered a contribution while this guy is apparently not contributing anything.
I don’t like the comments that say it’s her money. If she’s the breadwinner for the couple, it’s the couple’s money and they should make financial decisions together.
Load More Replies... Definitely NTA. Work through watching everything on a streaming service one at a time. He sounds like an entitled thot man-child that is gaslightijg you to push the blame on you. OP is the bread winner AND she cooks, cleans, and does the "washing" (laundry?), which makes me wonder what exactly he contributes. This relationship sounds painfully one-sided. I'm completely miffed that anyone would even suggest ESH because she is wanting to trim back on 5 streaming services to avoid financial ruin.
Curious comment. Housework doesn't stop at 5pm (assuming that's the end of her work day). Why does she get to do nothing when she gets home? That sounds like a 1950s role reversal. We used to have a tiny washing machine with 3 kids, and only recently upgraded, because the small one worked and we couldn't justifu soending money on a new one. But with it being small, it was running pretty much non-stop, with 5 people's clothes and linens. When I was a SAHP, my husband and I would work together to keep trying to get through it all when he got home from paid employment. I did the larger share of the housework, obviously, but there is always housework to do. It doesn't stop at 5pm.
Load More Replies... My thought is this...if he's not looking for work and not doing the house chores, then he gets squat. I would tell him the job of looking after the house falls on the SAHP. While you will contribute to the house chores, you are also the one that is forced to spend a lot of time away from your kids. Maybe instead of suggesting the breastfeeding too, you can suggest he put a crowbar between him and the couch and try feeding the baby more solid foods so formula would not be necessary. If he wants the streaming service, he better figure out a way to raise the money.
Um. He's looking after the kids?? Would you assume a SAHM just sits on the couch all day and requires a crowbar? Would you say she is not entitled to any luxury at all, because she is caring for the children? I feel you'd be right on the bandwagon of, 'SAHM are underappreciated! She requires rest and wine for her mere sanity!'
Load More Replies... If he is watching a toddler and a 9 month old, and he is apparently too busy to do any housework, how does he have time for all those streaming services? [sarc off] If he didn't spend so much time on the streaming he would have more time to do most of the house work, which would be a much more equitable sharing. For fairness, only one or maybe two steaming services if he also pitched the house work. He is watching the kids, right?
Dump him. He's a financial and emotional vampire. I've been there. You'll think it's too hard to do, it's too much work to do, it's too difficult to imagine doing. You'll do it in five years and be much happier, and wish you had done it now.
Op is NTA. Sure, she could spend a bit less on makeup, but of she's working in an office, she does have a certain standard of hygiene and appearance to maintain for professional reasons. If the husband was doing chores and actually CARING for the kids, then a couple streaming services would be acceptable. But he's spending monthly more than what she spends on makeup every FEW months. And he does very little at home as well! He's an abusive leech.
Wow. Strong opinion. Nowhere does it say he doesn't care for the kids. You merely assume he 'does little at home', but on what premise? Because he's unemployed and therefore, in your eyes, a bum? He takes care of the kids. Maybe he is bathing the kids while she cooks dinner. Maybe that's an agreement they came to which wasn't communicated in this post. I'll bet if the roles were reversed and he as the breadwinner told his wife she couldn't have streaming services, you'd also call him an abusive leech. Leeching off her SAHP status. Abusive because he's controlling what she can and can't do through the day.
Load More Replies... nta. she's the breadwinner AND does chores. also her make up doesn't even cost nearly as much as his streaming. he should find a part time job at least. and/or cancel some of the streaming stuff
Why should he find a part-time job? Do you believe that would outweigh the cost of childcare? Do you think it's totally fair that he works merely to pay for someone to look after the kids while he works? Why? Because he's a man and 'should' have a job?
Load More Replies... Also the worst part of this story is that she’s defined as “mom” while he’s defined as “husband.”
Makeup is an essential item for a professional woman. It is part of presenting oneself as well groomed.
Oh come on! Get out of 1950 for the love of god. Make up is awful and has nothing to do with professional presentation.
Load More Replies... Think they can both agree to cut down a bit. The husband can give up a few streaming services and the wife can give up some makeup products. He is watching the kid and child care in insanely expensive though he should help out more around the house from the sounds of it. Makeup as a personality trait is pretty stupid but it is her money so whatever. I feel there is a middle ground here but I also feel like they both just ended up attacking each other because they are both frustrated with the situation.
It isn't her money. It is their money. But everything else, I agree with completely.
Load More Replies... How come SHE is short on money buying baby formula for THEIR child (and presumably groceries for the whole family)? Feeding the children and keeping the roof over their collective heads is the responsibility of both the parents (or all the adults). Sure, the arrangement may be that one is earning money and the other is saving money by caring for the kids. That doesn't mean the SAHP isn't reponsible for the household finances.
Next on BP: "Husband Suggests Wife Starts Working As A Prostitute Instead Of Selling His Four Muscle Cars To Pay For The Cost Of Living, Family Drama Ensues." And "Husband Suggests Wife Stops Having Children To Save Money, Family Drama Ensues"
I find this somewhat funny, I am still breastfeeding and do you have any idea how much extra I eat to do that? I doubt that switching to formula is a much cheaper option (depending on what you eat off course, but I guess he does want you to be healthy)
If he's so convinced that it's wrong not to breastfeed just for health reasons, let him do it.
Well, it's not like she can at this point, the milk has stopped coming. There are no longer any options on the formula front.
Load More Replies... The last comment there gets it. Reverse the genders, and Bored Panda would be in outrage.
Reverse the genders, ok but do you honestly think he would be coming home from work to do all the cleaning, cooking and laundry while she watches 2 kids and 5 streaming services?
Load More Replies... It’s called budgeting and essential. NTA. Especially if you oversee the finances and need to make adjustments! Breastfeeding is expensive - you have to load calories, buy ointments, a pump for at work, and more. Put numbers in front of him and give a reality check.
Sadly, daycare is also expensive, so it's not like she can afford to just chuck him out. And so is alimony and child support, if he's unemployed.
Load More Replies... They need to find a way to work as a team - us against the problem. It's not forever, they're just in the eye of the storm with kids that age and only one income. Set a strict budget now and agree how much each of you can spend on 'nice to haves' each month (though make-up can be an essential for some jobs), now and when the other half is working again.
Your comment is sensible. Thank you for being a rare voice of reason in a ridiculous sea of 'dump him', 'he's a loser/child', 'he's abusive/toxic'.
Load More Replies... These horrible people have a kid. They both are assholes and their kid will be lucky to not be an asshole. She’s a breadwinner with terrible budgeting skills, minimalizing the work of a stay at home parent. He’s a terrible homemaker, mansplaining breast feeding to a working mom and he has a TV addiction. They’re both whining about not being able to afford shoes and streaming and makeup, but they have two small kids they clearly can’t afford and didn’t need, since they aren’t doing a good job on that either. Yuck.
He is definitely an ass. Though they are likely living in excess in many other aspects if they are subscribing to that many streaming services when they aren't a necessity. They need to sit down and really look at their finances.
He's more so the jackass, but the makeup costing $50 every few months is a little much too. Mascara is good for 6 months. Blush, eyeshadow, foundation, lipstick and eyeliner is also good for about 4-6 months, some longer.
Every few months is not a defined amount of time. It could be every six months.
Load More Replies... If he's a stay at home dad he needs to do the majority of the chores. It's hard being the stay at home parent. It's exhausting and to be honest I felt relieved at work but also guilty bc I wasn't home 24/7. If I was still a sahm I would want my tv too but I'd be able to compromise. I had sympathy for him until she said she did the majority of the chores, the fakeup bull, and of course the breast feeding thing. He's an AH and he's acting entitled to her body and her things.
Reading through more of the comments, I can't help but feel the sexism coming through from pretty much every corner. Is everyone putting the husband down because, at the CORE of it, he is unemployed, and traditional standards say the man should work? When small kids and tight finances are involved, BOTH parents, invariably, feel underappreciated. We got one side of it. I feel badly for the husband. Obviously, if finances are tight, everyone cuts costs, which would probably be achieved in a calm discussion, but we see the one-sided result of what was probably a heated argument. ESH, because these conversations should be held privately - the husband sucks for what he said about formula (which was probably an angry comment, not a serious suggestion), the wife sucks for making this everyone else's business.
ESH. Sounds like there is a lot more to this argument than streaming vs makeup. He is a SAHP, she works. That doesn't entitle her to say 'this is MY money'. It is 'OUR' money. When I was a SAHP, my husband's wages went toward supporting the family. I did the housework and child-caring through the day, but when he got home, WE did the housework and child-caring TOGETHER, because housework and child-caring is a 24hr job. We BOTH worked through the day, our jobs were just different, and I didn't get paid. Because she works, doesn't entitle her to do nothing when she gets home. I feel the husband stepped out of line suggesting cancelling formula, but likely was said on the heat of an argument, probably not something he'd have said in a calm discussion. Reverse the roles, and the breadwinning husband would be labelled controlling/ungrateful. We have no idea - maybe he is actually a fantastic father and enriches his kids lives. Just because he is unemployed doesn't
Just because he is unemployed, doesn't autoatically make him a loser.
Load More Replies... Sounds like they've got to work as a team. I'm not a parent yet and I'm still struggling to be efficient with my finances honestly. But, once you're sharing money and a home with someone, you've got to work together across every domain or things will fall apart. Life is stressful, both of you need to stop being petty and get on the collaboration train.
Cancel all the subscriptions except YOUR favorite, then use the money you saved to file for a divorce. I had a husband like this once..... HAD. To this day he leaches off every girl that he can swoon until they figure out what a deadbeat he is. He's gross.
So your personal experience of one man means all men are arseholes? Every person is an individual, and you have no idea about their relationship except what she chooses to tell you (a complete stranger). Yes, some men are leeches. So are some women. Not all.
Load More Replies... Couple of issues here: 1) you have 3 children not 2. 2) You are enabling him by allwoing to stay unemployed. 3) You are the breadwinner therefore what you say goes. Discussion over on that one. 4) you are still married to this loser for what reason now? This relationship is unequal and toxic. END. IT.. Also is this the example you want for your children? The golden rule around money and household economics is "Who ever pays, Says" You are the one who is paying therefore you are the only one doing the saying. Cancel everything and boot his ass out. Now!
Are you kidding?! 'You're the breadwinner, so what you say goes'. And of the breadwinner in this scenario was the man? I think you'd be more like, 'it's not the 1950s! Marriages are partnerships! Taking care of kids all day is hard'. 'Enabling him by 'allowing' him to stay unemployed'?? What happens to the kids while they're both at work? Why does he have to take 'any' (read: low-paying) job, so he can work just to pay for childcare while he is at work? And why is he a loser? Because they had an argument, likely a lot of stuff was said in anger (we all say stupid stuff when we're angry). Or is it because he's a man and unemployed, and therefore in your stereotyped head, is a loser? Your views are ridiculous. 'Whoever pays, says'? No, whoever earns the money shares that money with the family, because that's what a healthy relationship is.
Load More Replies... Well, im thinking about money saving options, can you pump milk? Thats the way I went, and your job has to give you time to pump for your child. Store it in a fridge at work and bring home? formula is a real budget killer. I do think taking his netflix away is too extreme we all need something to relax and use for kids to keep them occupied for bits of time. What really needs to happen is your husband needs to find a way to bring income into the house regardless of his pride. It is incredibly selfish of him to not work at all when he is perfectly capable to do so. In other words, he needs to bloody man up
He needs to man up? So all Stay At Home Dads aren't manly, because they don't have paid employment? Why is he 'perfectly capable' of working? He is working. He is the primary caregiver. This is work. Childcare is expensive.
Load More Replies... Reducing his streaming services isnt financially controlling him ffs.
& here's me dealing with a mother in law who thinks I should get my son on formula over me breastfeeding him ...
I can't believe you're even justifying yourself. He sounds very toxic and controlling. Please if you have not done so already speak to friends about how you can exist that abusive relationship.
This is catastrophising a single argument. *eyeroll* He is not abusive or toxic from this single post. Would you consider her abusive if she was the SAHP? Taking care of the kids all day, maybe struggling with the housework? Toddlers and babies are a time-suck. Maybe he is actually exhausted and needs help, too. Maybe he is feeling underappreciated for his role in the family.
Load More Replies... "makeup is my personality"? That just seems weird. That said, subscription services are stupid, and I think this husband is a hot pile of garbage.
Stupid question. I know what NTA means but what does ESH mean?
NTA, but…..why did *you* choose to make babies with this unmotivated man-child? You have very young children. I guarantee you knew this man was like this before you got pregnant with the toddler.
He HAD a job when *they* made the "decision" to make babies.
Load More Replies... He's sounds terrible and controlling himself. Throw the whole husband away.
Somebody call cps I think she married a child! But tbh, I can't understand anyone who said ESH. A ton of jobs need you to wear make-up to keep up appearances. She literally does everything in their household and her husband apparently just watches tv all day. She can spend her money on as much make-up as she damn well pleases.
This is a very generalised opinion. 'Literally does everything' would imply she also cares for the children through the day. Maybe you need to consult a dictionary to understand the term 'literally'. Her husband 'apparently' watching tv all day is based off what? Having multiple streaming services does not automatically equate to watching tv all day. She says nothing about his role as the primary caregiver, because her goal is to justify what she wants you to believe. Oh, and it's not her money. It is their money.
Load More Replies... Nobody is looking at his contributions. Being a stay at home parent is hard work. His share to the household is raising the children and saving those daycare expenses. They need to create a budget together, with each getting pocket money they get to spend however they want. He can buy streaming services and she can buy her make up. They are both contributing to the home though. It's wrong to say that just because she is the one bringing in the money, that anything he wants she has to approve of.
I don't know why you have been downvoted. Here's an upvote for speaking sense. The majority of commenters on here live in a ridiculous make-believe world where SAHMs and working mums have all the power, and husbands and fathers are only a means to an income.
Load More Replies... Half (or more) of them are fake to begin with. And yes, the style is always the same: Pick a main topic that polarizes, season with similar or different topic which polarize aswell and see how it plays out. It’s often but not always: lgbt, money, uneven spending, spending on hobbies some might not find appealing (gaming/tv vs makeup), involving innocent children, or other sensitive topics, like religion, disabilities, politics. I don’t know what else the purpose of these stories is but to make us numb towards the real people in between those stories. And at this point I don’t even care anymore. If makeup is part of your personality, so be it. If you need 6 streaming services, pay for them or ask a relative for family share. If I spend 3,6k on a gaming computer, I worked hard for, so be it. And if I buy 2 of those, so my wife can play with me, deal with it.
Load More Replies... So, Cuervo, are you saying that this situation is all HER fault because she was born with ovaries?
Load More Replies...
86
138