Husband Asks If He Is Wrong For Cancelling Trip As His Pregnant Wife Asked Him To Not Drink Any Alcohol
Guess what is simultaneously in the top ten of the world’s best-selling products, the most common causes of domestic crime, and the most frequent reasons for marital quarrels? That’s right, alcohol in all its manifestations.
In fact, a common story is when a simple thing made by people just to create a good mood, as a result, only harms. Most likely, the problem is not even in the alcohol itself, but in the people who use it. And, of course, they sometimes abuse it.
Meanwhile, one such story, told in this post in the AITA Reddit community, has collected about 6.5K upvotes and more than 3K comments in just a few days. However, we sincerely hope that this family drama will end in the best traditions of Hollywood – that is, with a happy ending. But for now, let’s tell it like it is, so cut to the chase!
More info: Reddit
The Original Poster’s wife is expecting a baby so she asked him not to drink alcohol during her pregnancy
Image credits: Jason Lander (not the actual photo)
So, the Original Poster and his wife are expecting a baby. Previously, before the pregnancy became known, both spouses liked to drink a glass or two of alcohol, but now the woman, of course, cannot drink, and in order to, well, “restore justice”, she and her husband agreed for him not to drink alcohol either for all this time. Categorically.
Image credits: Randomname69696969
The man for sure felt uncomfortable but he agreed – just to support his beloved wife
By the way, using the word “categorically” we meant that even if the husband and wife go somewhere for a meal, then the OP cannot even drink one beer. Of course, it’s difficult. No, not just a little. It’s incredibly, hellishly difficult, and you perhaps understand us perfectly. And you can understand the hubby as well. But he should be given his due – in order to morally support his wife during her pregnancy, he was ready even for such a sacrifice.
Image credits: Randomname69696969
We must say that the OP’s job is, according to his own words, much more stressful and difficult than his wife’s, so in the past a little alcohol just helped him relax after a hard day’s work. The man says that he has worked hard without a holiday for several years – and now, having accumulated a decent amount, he and his wife decided to go on a family trip abroad.
Image credits: Randomname69696969
The husband hoped that at least during their family trip abroad he will be allowed to drink a little, but his wife was adamant
And, of course, our hero hoped that at least during that trip he would be able to break the agreement and enjoy the taste of some alcohol. But that was not the case! The wife said that if she can’t drink, then he can’t either. Of course, the man could not stand such flagrant injustice!
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Image credits: Randomname69696969
Feeling indignant, the man claimed that he canceled the trip as he doesn’t want to waste money in vain
There are many stories that ended very sadly in quite a similar situation. Fortunately, the OP was a reasonable person – he simply claimed that without a glass or two of good alcohol, the holiday will be spoiled, and in this case he simply does not want to waste his money for literally nothing.
Image credits: rick (not the actual photo)
Basically, the husband refused to pay for the trip abroad, suggesting to his wife to go somewhere closer and cheaper in return. The wife was also indignant – after all, she was already looking forward to an interesting trip. It all ended in a family quarrel, as a result of which the OP seriously pondered whether he did the right thing in this situation.
People in the comments just wondered why the OP can’t learn how to enjoy his life without drinking alcohol
The opinions of people in the comments, as is often the case, were divided. On the one hand, some commenters advised the OP to work harder on a compromise and probably try to start enjoying life and leisure without drinking alcohol and things like that. By the way, the OP himself also agreed with this point of view.
Another part of the people in the comments are simply perplexed as to why cancel a trip abroad simply because both spouses cannot drink. After all, according to the commenters, it really feels like a huge overreaction. Why not just screw it and enjoy a wonderful family vacation, folks in the comments ask?
We would like to ask your opinion about this tale as well. Do you think the husband did the right thing, or should he make concessions to his wife? By the way, if you have also had similar cases in your life, we will be glad to learn about them, so please write your own stories directly in the comments below.
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After many years of working as sports journalist and trivia game author and host in Ukraine I joined Bored Panda as a content creator. I do love writing stories and I sincerely believe - there's no dull plots at all. Like a great Italian composer Joaquino Rossini once told: "Give me a police protocol - and I'll make an opera out of it!"
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Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.
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This is not about the drinking. They're in a power struggle for control over the whole relationship and they're not going to make it because there's no compromise for either of them. They're both out to "win" and digging in for a fight
Yeah this is a weird one. He's so....focused on the money. Like what does it matter who's paying for the trip? We didn't need that information. Why bring their jobs into it? If this was about the drinking it could have been "My pregnant wife doesn't want me to drink on our vacation because she can't drink, so now I want to cancel the vacation and do something else with her. AITA?".
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He wants people to know that he's more important and holds the purse strings. This is classic financial spousal abuse.
I think his focus on money was to explain the reason he can cancelled the trip. There's a different dynamic between cancelling a trip that he booked and paid for it vs a trip that she paid for or they jointly paid for. How they manage their finances is important information for this story.
Not at all because it's obvious (whether you agree with how they divvy up their finances or not) that they don't consider each other's money to be community property. That's why he explains to us that he pays most of the bills because he thinks it's only fair but it's his money that he's choosing to spend on treating them.
Yeah, smash17, except that they are married. It's not his money, it's household money. She's probably doing the stay at home thing and still doing a lot of work. He didn't mention it but it's a classic power move to devalue that kind of work, unpaid essential labour. Plus she's carrying his child which is a big deal anyway. I believe they are both being unreasonable. I'm currently pregnant but have no qualms about my husband having a drink now and then and it's almost a given that applies to a nice holiday. In terms of the money, his words indicate he sees her as a dependent and not a partner in the marriage.
He actually said she did work at a grocery store and kind of put that down as easy work compared to his job, which is harder and more stressful so it's unfair he can't drink.
It certainly does look like he’s devaluing her, even though he did say that she also works. It seems like the ‘no substances’ edict is her way of biting back about it, but in treating eachother the way they do, they’ve unwittingly fed into a larger power struggle that has likely been going on beneath the surface for quite some time. Hopefully they can resolve it before the child gets caught up in the middle.
I agree. They are both being unreasonable. She shouldn't demand he give up everything like she has to as he is not pregnant (speaking from being pregnant again right now). He should be more considerate and know that they won't have an opportunity like this again for some time to go on such a nice trip with just the two of them. He doesn't seem to wave in it front of her when he has a beer at home but he's being a d**k about things in different ways. No it's not unreasonable to want a drink or two in total while on holiday. She's obviously jealous she can't and that's the same kind of attitude some former smokers get when they quit 'I can't/don't so no one else should either." You are correct that cancelling the trip is a power move, and a dickish one at that. "If I can't have a good time the way I want to, no one else is going to either."
This is definitely an ESH...that said, I've scrolled the reddit thread, and noticed 2 things: 1) the op seems to only answer posts that agree with him, or posts asking for more information, and 2) the answers to the latter posts are.....telling. every time he addressed drinking on vacation, the amount he intended to drink increased. Started as "a couple drinks on vacation" and by the last time he answered, it was "a couple of beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool." I suspect he was planning on walking around, booze in hand, for the entire vacation. Also, he was very adamant about "not having a hangover" because it would be less enjoyable for him....which would imply that he does rather more drinking than claimed.
As a pregnant person, maybe you should have some empathy for the fact it is hard to give up smoking and drinking for a pregnancy and she asked him not to in SUPPORT of her. He even said he agreed to give smoking because he knew it would be hard for her.
His offer to compromise is a smaller trip closer to home, probably so after the kid is born they can go on another. It's a decent compromise I would think.
Agree. All I see is "I get wasted" "I have a job I can do wasted" "we smoke' "we drink" "high" "drinking" "me' me me" " IM going to pay for our vacation" "....cripes. Sober up, raise your child with love and grow up.
Funny how that's all you see, since none of it was actually written there. You're seeing stuff you've made up in your own mind.
Sadly, it IS in the reddit thread....this guy really only thinks about himself. And while his wife's demand that he completely stop drinking is over the top, it sounds like he was planning on having 3-4 drinks every day while on vacation....so she would be sitting around watching him drink for most of it.
I'm going to go ahead and get myself banned with an unpopular opinion: he's an a*****e and his wife is not being unreasonable. Not only does she have to sacrifice those things for 9 months plus however long she breastfeeds, but she is in far more discomfort than he is during this time. It's his kid too, that she is suffering for, why shouldn't he show some solidarity and support by sharing her experiences? He threw a dang temper tantrum over "a cocktail by the pool."
I fully agree. She's making responsible sacrifices and probably going through withdrawals. He's acting like a spoiled child having a tantrum because he doesn't want to compromise and be a team.
Load More Replies... I never felt like being pregnant was a sacrifice. I didn't give up or sacrifice drinking. I simply took a short hiatus. I am sure she is having cigarette withdrawals but there is nothing in his post to suggest either he or her are alcoholics and suffering alcohol withdrawal? If so, she should be under the care of a specialist OB. I agree he is having a baby tantrum and is a d**k. But I also don't think she is being reasonable.
I never mentioned anything about either of them being alcoholics or pitting the situation to that level. Withdrawals don't have to be this major, severe suffering. I meant it more like someone having to forgo sugar in their cereal and coffee that they're used to enjoying every morning. When you're pregnant your emotional connection to your partner and their support is needed. Her hormones are going all over the place. It's just human nature. To say she's being unreasonable to request her partner to not have any alcohol on a vacation. Not even the whole 9 months, just the vacation, I don't think is unreasonable at all. It shouldn't even be an issue. Is it really that difficult to say "Ok, Dear. I understand how this makes you feel. I'll enjoy some virgin pina coladas with you and we'll have a great time." Who knows when the next time they'll get to go on a nice getaway together now.
He clearly stated that she demanded he not drink at all, not just while on vacation. He said he asked her if the "no alcohol " rule still applied while away and she said yes...she expected him to give up all drinking, not even allowed a beer at dinner, that's absolutely ridiculous. It'd be like telling him he's on a diet because she's on one..
This is definitely an ESH...that said, I've scrolled the reddit thread, and noticed every time he addressed drinking on vacation, the amount he intended to drink increased. Started as "a couple drinks on vacation" and by the last time he answered, it was "a couple of beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool." I suspect he was planning on walking around, booze in hand, for the entire vacation. Also, he was very adamant about "not having a hangover" because it would be less enjoyable for him....which would imply that he does rather more drinking than claimed.
He's not pregnant, she is. If he wants to have a drink, he should. This is about control, and dominance nothing more.
Yes it's absurd. Be happy that he doesn't smoke anymore. That's awesome.
Having read the thread, it sounds like he was planning on 3-4 drinks....every day.
I'm guessing where you come from you dont drink much? 3-4 drinks a day? That's nothing. 34 drinks a day? Then he may have a problem. The guy uses the term holiday rather than vacation so im assuming he's European, alcohol isn't seen as such a taboo subject in Europe
She is still being unreasonable. It is ridiculous to deny someone else something just because you cant have it. I couldn't eat chocolate when I was pregnant because it made me ill... should I have banned hubby from eating it too? I was also not allowed to eat soft cheese, sushi and raw meats. Should he have missed out on those things as well? It is selfish to force your dietary requirements on other people. My husband and I had an agreement that I would be the designated driver so he could drink and enjoy social events when I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding and, when I was able to drink again, he would be the driver for social occasions for the next 12 months. We were both very happy with that compromise.
The difference is is that it doesn't sound like you were addicted to chocolate while you were pregnant. These two are clearly chain-smoking alcoholics. If you smoke in front of someone trying to quit smoking, guess what? They smoke with you "this one time". I grew up with addicts, I've seen this play out countless times. Now, just so you know, I'm not entirely disagreeing with you. I think they're both engaged in a power struggle here and no one's going to "win", least of all their child. To us non addicts this seems bonkers, but to someone deep into months long withdrawal and temptation much less so.
I am not sure where you got chain smoking alcoholics from this story? Sounds like a whole lot of judgement there. He did give up smoking (which is absolutely reasonable to expect given that passive smoking is harmful for the baby). By his account enjoys an occasional beer or cocktail. My husband and I do too and I can assure you we are not alcoholics.
Bad news, I read the thread, and I think he is really downplaying the amount he actually drinks by quite a lot. About 1500 posts in, he wanted "a couple beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool.". I imagine being pregnant and spending a week or two doing nothing but watch you SO drink would absolutely suck... Edit:spelling
My ex would sometimes drink one glass of wine, when we went out to eat once in a while. He said to the waiter: no, for her no alcohol. Waiter: Oooh! How dare you say that? I'm pregnant. Oh. Okay. Imagine a guy telling his wife she may not drink alcohol for no reason. You get outrage. But now it's a pregnant woman, so awwww. She's just controlling. Smoking I understand. That's irritating when someone smokes in front of your face, when you stopped. So if she has the same thing with alcohol, she's addicted and he's either addicted too or he just doesn't want to be controlled.
You aren't wrong....I read most of the thread, and it sounds like he was planning on having 3-4 drinks every day
To you, yeah. If I had to quit alcohol for a while, I could (so not all that committed an alcoholic), but if I'm going to have a nice vacation, why at exactly that time? I'd postpone it too.
"Chain-smoking alcoholics." That's quite an assumption you have going on there.
I agree and the "my job is more stressful, imo" gets me. My husband used to be that way because I've worked in customer service in one shape or form for over 30 years. He changed his tune when we bought a bar and he had to work with the public. I've also done very physical jobs and a few admin. A few hours of the public at large can be exhausting. I don't know what this man does for a living, but you really can't judge aspects of a job without having experienced it.
Same. My ex was the same way. He always touted how hard he worked, how his shifts were 12 hours for 6 days a week and used that as an excuse to miss big family events and make me sound so lazy taking care of our daughter and working retail and desk jobs. Yet, I used to go with him during his shifts in the tow truck and seen him sleeping on the job, he would smoke weed, drive to chill at friends houses and occasionally be busy. Sometimes he made good money but always complained about being broke and how I "made him work that job and keep working to make money". I never made him work a 12 hr job. I let him do what he wanted to do, that he was already doing when we first met. It's a martyr complex. "Look how hard I work and look how much I'm suffering and sacrificing for this family. Ain't I a hero that deserves more than my family?" This couple's future is not looking bright.
I was thinking it's too bad she appears to have made it an ultimatum. If she'd said 'giving up smoking has been hard and I'm really worried that you drinking will make that difficult for me, too', hoping it'd have had a different impact. Since I'm assuming his baby's health is important to him (no reason to think otherwise, they planned well for the smoking), maybe he'd hear something like that differently?
I feel like the key here is the "she appears to". If he is putting his side across, trying to make himself seem like the good guy, imagine what the situation might actually be.
Forcing other people to, "share in your misery," is not a great way to start a relationship, let alone a pregnancy, and Parenthood. I'm not suggesting that childbearing is a walk in the park, but making others suffer, just because you are, is not equality; it's controlling. It's tit-for-tat, and childish. What next? He can't eat solid food, if she's sick? Grow up.
Making demands isn't right, but, in the reddit thread, he said he was planning on "a couple beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool". I get that people indulge on vacation, but I feel like walking around, drink in hand, in front of your pregnant spouse, for the entirety of your trip, is kind of heartless....
I agree with you, plus, she is literally risking her life by having their baby.
Solidarity: unity or agreement of feeling or action, especially among individuals with a common interest; mutual support within a group. In this case, the common interest is alcohol.
The interest is her abstaining from it for the sake of the baby. That's not common,l; him being a teetotaler does nothing for the kid. No common interest --> solidarity argument irrelevant. Unless you're taking the support angle? If she needs support so badly to abstain that seems to indicate you think she's an alcoholic — not he, as so many others have suggested?
My wife would never ask me to stop drinking just because she was not able to that is f*****g selfish and insucre man needs a better wife cause she clearly sucks
You know this broads are going to side with the wife. I bet if they weren't married she wouldn't pull this c**p. Most always change and get demanding after getting that one sided contract
Well, in the thread, I got the impression from his answers that he was planning on 3-4 drinks every day....seems a bit cruel when your pregnant SO is there, no? I suspect drinking might be more of a problem than op is letting on. For context, his wife will be about 5 and a half months in by the trip, so at this point, he is throwing a fit over the IDEA of going without for 5 months ...
Sacrifice? Pregnancy is an uncomfortable period but never a sacrifice if it's planned and wanted. This woman is out of her mind asking her husband not to do something just because she's pregnant. The only thing I can think of is Poor child!
It is a sacrifice, because not all women survive childbirth, and rarely is their body ever the same if they do. I understand you probably see "sacrifice" as a bad thing, but here is the definition: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.
I guess it's up to everyone to decide but I definitely felt it was a sacrifice with each pregnancy even if they were planned and wanted. Much more than just an "uncomfortable period". Not that I'm not grateful and felt it was worth it (so I wouldn't say "poor child") but DEFINITELY a sacrifice of my body and sense of self.
pregnancy is always a sacrifice but it is the one we are willing to do for our children. there is no other way so far.
Whether my husband drank a beer during my pregnancy had absolutely ZERO impact on the ill effects or consequences of pregnancy on myself or my baby. I would hate to be a in a relationship where one party is forced to suffer "a consequence" due to the discomfort or ill effects of the other.
Oh, it's worse....she would only be 5 and a half months in by the trip, so he's throwing a temper tantrum over the IDEA of going without for more than 5 months....
I agree entirely! I also got some bad feelings over the way he talks up his job and talks down her job. He kept insisting his job was more stressful, so that justifies that he deserves to drink. I'm a little scared for his wife, honestly. And it's clear giving up drinking was meant to be a SUPPORT for her, not control of him, but he cares more about him than her.
Wow everyone is looking at the woman in this situation and not the guy who is clearly the one responsible for even planning the trip I thankfully I have a real woman "who by the way would never demand me to stop drinking just she could not . that it very childish and unacceptable he should get better wife and also I dont give a c**p what anyone's opinion is on this matter again if I had busted my a*s for 2 years to have a vacation that out of my own money on top of the fact that he already pays for most of the expenses goddam right I will be enjoying some alcohol
Well, in the thread, I got the impression from his answers that he was planning on 3-4 drinks every day....so I suspect drinking might be more of a problem than op is letting on. For context, his wife will be about 5 and a half months in by the trip, so at this point, he is throwing a fit over the IDEA of going without for 5 months ...
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I disagree. It was her choice to get pregnant, too. She fully knows the consequences of carrying a child, and the husband should not suffer for no reason. I like the response of "this is like someone expecting others to not eat dessert just because they're on a diet". Same logic. There's really no reason for the husband to give up anything just because the wife can't have it.
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I'm going to be unpopular but she doesn't need to sacrifice them. A glass of wine once in a while won't affect negatively the baby
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No,its not dangerous. Dangerous when you drive to your workplace every day while pregnant . Drinking a glass of wine once like every 3-4 week won't affect the baby. Life is not that delicate, 2 deciliter of of alcohol won't ruin it
We DO know that alcohol CAN be really dangerous for a developing featus. It may or may not ruin it but we don't know for sure how much alcohol is harmful or at what development stage so the limit is set at zero. Some babies come out completely normal even if mom is on hard core drugs or drink alcohol, sure. But statistics also show that it increases risks. A lot. Some suffer extreme challenges or don't make it because of drug/alcohol use. I wouldn't gamble with that and I certainly don't recommend others to do so. There's enough research showing dangerous effects of alcohol use.
I'm concerned that he thinks he is paying for the vacation. Their money is their money. If they routinely split it up (evenly) into his/hers accounts and then each has that as discretionary and if he is then using that money for the trip (whereas she would be using her money for something else), then he is paying for the trip. Otherwise, THEY are paying for the trip. When did people start treating marriage like they are roommates?
Yeah, that irked me too. Every relationship I've heard of that had "my money" and "her money" was not a happy one.
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My thoughts exactly. I could never be married to a man who talks like that.
But it sounds like they both agreed to it. You can hate it, but if she agrees to separate finances, then you can't be angry at him for treating it like "his money" when that's what it is. If they lived in separate houses, it would be more clear that it's separated. Sharing a house doesn't mean sharing finances, these days. I think it's weird, and I wouldn't do it, but their agreement shouldn't be voided just because outsiders disagree, or whenever his wife deems it inconvenient. Remember, she also has her own money, and could pay for a trip, too.
It sounds like they each keep their own money. No need to split it evenly into separate accounts. That's a kinda weird assumption imo as I didn't see that mentioned and I don't think it's a common practice. He would essentially be giving her an allowance in that case. If it's his money then he's paying for it. It's not that complicated of a concept.
This is not about the drinking. They're in a power struggle for control over the whole relationship and they're not going to make it because there's no compromise for either of them. They're both out to "win" and digging in for a fight
Yeah this is a weird one. He's so....focused on the money. Like what does it matter who's paying for the trip? We didn't need that information. Why bring their jobs into it? If this was about the drinking it could have been "My pregnant wife doesn't want me to drink on our vacation because she can't drink, so now I want to cancel the vacation and do something else with her. AITA?".
Load More Replies... He wants people to know that he's more important and holds the purse strings. This is classic financial spousal abuse.
I think his focus on money was to explain the reason he can cancelled the trip. There's a different dynamic between cancelling a trip that he booked and paid for it vs a trip that she paid for or they jointly paid for. How they manage their finances is important information for this story.
Not at all because it's obvious (whether you agree with how they divvy up their finances or not) that they don't consider each other's money to be community property. That's why he explains to us that he pays most of the bills because he thinks it's only fair but it's his money that he's choosing to spend on treating them.
Yeah, smash17, except that they are married. It's not his money, it's household money. She's probably doing the stay at home thing and still doing a lot of work. He didn't mention it but it's a classic power move to devalue that kind of work, unpaid essential labour. Plus she's carrying his child which is a big deal anyway. I believe they are both being unreasonable. I'm currently pregnant but have no qualms about my husband having a drink now and then and it's almost a given that applies to a nice holiday. In terms of the money, his words indicate he sees her as a dependent and not a partner in the marriage.
He actually said she did work at a grocery store and kind of put that down as easy work compared to his job, which is harder and more stressful so it's unfair he can't drink.
It certainly does look like he’s devaluing her, even though he did say that she also works. It seems like the ‘no substances’ edict is her way of biting back about it, but in treating eachother the way they do, they’ve unwittingly fed into a larger power struggle that has likely been going on beneath the surface for quite some time. Hopefully they can resolve it before the child gets caught up in the middle.
I agree. They are both being unreasonable. She shouldn't demand he give up everything like she has to as he is not pregnant (speaking from being pregnant again right now). He should be more considerate and know that they won't have an opportunity like this again for some time to go on such a nice trip with just the two of them. He doesn't seem to wave in it front of her when he has a beer at home but he's being a d**k about things in different ways. No it's not unreasonable to want a drink or two in total while on holiday. She's obviously jealous she can't and that's the same kind of attitude some former smokers get when they quit 'I can't/don't so no one else should either." You are correct that cancelling the trip is a power move, and a dickish one at that. "If I can't have a good time the way I want to, no one else is going to either."
This is definitely an ESH...that said, I've scrolled the reddit thread, and noticed 2 things: 1) the op seems to only answer posts that agree with him, or posts asking for more information, and 2) the answers to the latter posts are.....telling. every time he addressed drinking on vacation, the amount he intended to drink increased. Started as "a couple drinks on vacation" and by the last time he answered, it was "a couple of beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool." I suspect he was planning on walking around, booze in hand, for the entire vacation. Also, he was very adamant about "not having a hangover" because it would be less enjoyable for him....which would imply that he does rather more drinking than claimed.
As a pregnant person, maybe you should have some empathy for the fact it is hard to give up smoking and drinking for a pregnancy and she asked him not to in SUPPORT of her. He even said he agreed to give smoking because he knew it would be hard for her.
His offer to compromise is a smaller trip closer to home, probably so after the kid is born they can go on another. It's a decent compromise I would think.
Agree. All I see is "I get wasted" "I have a job I can do wasted" "we smoke' "we drink" "high" "drinking" "me' me me" " IM going to pay for our vacation" "....cripes. Sober up, raise your child with love and grow up.
Funny how that's all you see, since none of it was actually written there. You're seeing stuff you've made up in your own mind.
Sadly, it IS in the reddit thread....this guy really only thinks about himself. And while his wife's demand that he completely stop drinking is over the top, it sounds like he was planning on having 3-4 drinks every day while on vacation....so she would be sitting around watching him drink for most of it.
I'm going to go ahead and get myself banned with an unpopular opinion: he's an a*****e and his wife is not being unreasonable. Not only does she have to sacrifice those things for 9 months plus however long she breastfeeds, but she is in far more discomfort than he is during this time. It's his kid too, that she is suffering for, why shouldn't he show some solidarity and support by sharing her experiences? He threw a dang temper tantrum over "a cocktail by the pool."
I fully agree. She's making responsible sacrifices and probably going through withdrawals. He's acting like a spoiled child having a tantrum because he doesn't want to compromise and be a team.
Load More Replies... I never felt like being pregnant was a sacrifice. I didn't give up or sacrifice drinking. I simply took a short hiatus. I am sure she is having cigarette withdrawals but there is nothing in his post to suggest either he or her are alcoholics and suffering alcohol withdrawal? If so, she should be under the care of a specialist OB. I agree he is having a baby tantrum and is a d**k. But I also don't think she is being reasonable.
I never mentioned anything about either of them being alcoholics or pitting the situation to that level. Withdrawals don't have to be this major, severe suffering. I meant it more like someone having to forgo sugar in their cereal and coffee that they're used to enjoying every morning. When you're pregnant your emotional connection to your partner and their support is needed. Her hormones are going all over the place. It's just human nature. To say she's being unreasonable to request her partner to not have any alcohol on a vacation. Not even the whole 9 months, just the vacation, I don't think is unreasonable at all. It shouldn't even be an issue. Is it really that difficult to say "Ok, Dear. I understand how this makes you feel. I'll enjoy some virgin pina coladas with you and we'll have a great time." Who knows when the next time they'll get to go on a nice getaway together now.
He clearly stated that she demanded he not drink at all, not just while on vacation. He said he asked her if the "no alcohol " rule still applied while away and she said yes...she expected him to give up all drinking, not even allowed a beer at dinner, that's absolutely ridiculous. It'd be like telling him he's on a diet because she's on one..
This is definitely an ESH...that said, I've scrolled the reddit thread, and noticed every time he addressed drinking on vacation, the amount he intended to drink increased. Started as "a couple drinks on vacation" and by the last time he answered, it was "a couple of beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool." I suspect he was planning on walking around, booze in hand, for the entire vacation. Also, he was very adamant about "not having a hangover" because it would be less enjoyable for him....which would imply that he does rather more drinking than claimed.
He's not pregnant, she is. If he wants to have a drink, he should. This is about control, and dominance nothing more.
Yes it's absurd. Be happy that he doesn't smoke anymore. That's awesome.
Having read the thread, it sounds like he was planning on 3-4 drinks....every day.
I'm guessing where you come from you dont drink much? 3-4 drinks a day? That's nothing. 34 drinks a day? Then he may have a problem. The guy uses the term holiday rather than vacation so im assuming he's European, alcohol isn't seen as such a taboo subject in Europe
She is still being unreasonable. It is ridiculous to deny someone else something just because you cant have it. I couldn't eat chocolate when I was pregnant because it made me ill... should I have banned hubby from eating it too? I was also not allowed to eat soft cheese, sushi and raw meats. Should he have missed out on those things as well? It is selfish to force your dietary requirements on other people. My husband and I had an agreement that I would be the designated driver so he could drink and enjoy social events when I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding and, when I was able to drink again, he would be the driver for social occasions for the next 12 months. We were both very happy with that compromise.
The difference is is that it doesn't sound like you were addicted to chocolate while you were pregnant. These two are clearly chain-smoking alcoholics. If you smoke in front of someone trying to quit smoking, guess what? They smoke with you "this one time". I grew up with addicts, I've seen this play out countless times. Now, just so you know, I'm not entirely disagreeing with you. I think they're both engaged in a power struggle here and no one's going to "win", least of all their child. To us non addicts this seems bonkers, but to someone deep into months long withdrawal and temptation much less so.
I am not sure where you got chain smoking alcoholics from this story? Sounds like a whole lot of judgement there. He did give up smoking (which is absolutely reasonable to expect given that passive smoking is harmful for the baby). By his account enjoys an occasional beer or cocktail. My husband and I do too and I can assure you we are not alcoholics.
Bad news, I read the thread, and I think he is really downplaying the amount he actually drinks by quite a lot. About 1500 posts in, he wanted "a couple beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool.". I imagine being pregnant and spending a week or two doing nothing but watch you SO drink would absolutely suck... Edit:spelling
My ex would sometimes drink one glass of wine, when we went out to eat once in a while. He said to the waiter: no, for her no alcohol. Waiter: Oooh! How dare you say that? I'm pregnant. Oh. Okay. Imagine a guy telling his wife she may not drink alcohol for no reason. You get outrage. But now it's a pregnant woman, so awwww. She's just controlling. Smoking I understand. That's irritating when someone smokes in front of your face, when you stopped. So if she has the same thing with alcohol, she's addicted and he's either addicted too or he just doesn't want to be controlled.
You aren't wrong....I read most of the thread, and it sounds like he was planning on having 3-4 drinks every day
To you, yeah. If I had to quit alcohol for a while, I could (so not all that committed an alcoholic), but if I'm going to have a nice vacation, why at exactly that time? I'd postpone it too.
"Chain-smoking alcoholics." That's quite an assumption you have going on there.
I agree and the "my job is more stressful, imo" gets me. My husband used to be that way because I've worked in customer service in one shape or form for over 30 years. He changed his tune when we bought a bar and he had to work with the public. I've also done very physical jobs and a few admin. A few hours of the public at large can be exhausting. I don't know what this man does for a living, but you really can't judge aspects of a job without having experienced it.
Same. My ex was the same way. He always touted how hard he worked, how his shifts were 12 hours for 6 days a week and used that as an excuse to miss big family events and make me sound so lazy taking care of our daughter and working retail and desk jobs. Yet, I used to go with him during his shifts in the tow truck and seen him sleeping on the job, he would smoke weed, drive to chill at friends houses and occasionally be busy. Sometimes he made good money but always complained about being broke and how I "made him work that job and keep working to make money". I never made him work a 12 hr job. I let him do what he wanted to do, that he was already doing when we first met. It's a martyr complex. "Look how hard I work and look how much I'm suffering and sacrificing for this family. Ain't I a hero that deserves more than my family?" This couple's future is not looking bright.
I was thinking it's too bad she appears to have made it an ultimatum. If she'd said 'giving up smoking has been hard and I'm really worried that you drinking will make that difficult for me, too', hoping it'd have had a different impact. Since I'm assuming his baby's health is important to him (no reason to think otherwise, they planned well for the smoking), maybe he'd hear something like that differently?
I feel like the key here is the "she appears to". If he is putting his side across, trying to make himself seem like the good guy, imagine what the situation might actually be.
Forcing other people to, "share in your misery," is not a great way to start a relationship, let alone a pregnancy, and Parenthood. I'm not suggesting that childbearing is a walk in the park, but making others suffer, just because you are, is not equality; it's controlling. It's tit-for-tat, and childish. What next? He can't eat solid food, if she's sick? Grow up.
Making demands isn't right, but, in the reddit thread, he said he was planning on "a couple beers with dinner and a cocktail by the pool". I get that people indulge on vacation, but I feel like walking around, drink in hand, in front of your pregnant spouse, for the entirety of your trip, is kind of heartless....
I agree with you, plus, she is literally risking her life by having their baby.
Solidarity: unity or agreement of feeling or action, especially among individuals with a common interest; mutual support within a group. In this case, the common interest is alcohol.
The interest is her abstaining from it for the sake of the baby. That's not common,l; him being a teetotaler does nothing for the kid. No common interest --> solidarity argument irrelevant. Unless you're taking the support angle? If she needs support so badly to abstain that seems to indicate you think she's an alcoholic — not he, as so many others have suggested?
My wife would never ask me to stop drinking just because she was not able to that is f*****g selfish and insucre man needs a better wife cause she clearly sucks
You know this broads are going to side with the wife. I bet if they weren't married she wouldn't pull this c**p. Most always change and get demanding after getting that one sided contract
Well, in the thread, I got the impression from his answers that he was planning on 3-4 drinks every day....seems a bit cruel when your pregnant SO is there, no? I suspect drinking might be more of a problem than op is letting on. For context, his wife will be about 5 and a half months in by the trip, so at this point, he is throwing a fit over the IDEA of going without for 5 months ...
Sacrifice? Pregnancy is an uncomfortable period but never a sacrifice if it's planned and wanted. This woman is out of her mind asking her husband not to do something just because she's pregnant. The only thing I can think of is Poor child!
It is a sacrifice, because not all women survive childbirth, and rarely is their body ever the same if they do. I understand you probably see "sacrifice" as a bad thing, but here is the definition: an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.
I guess it's up to everyone to decide but I definitely felt it was a sacrifice with each pregnancy even if they were planned and wanted. Much more than just an "uncomfortable period". Not that I'm not grateful and felt it was worth it (so I wouldn't say "poor child") but DEFINITELY a sacrifice of my body and sense of self.
pregnancy is always a sacrifice but it is the one we are willing to do for our children. there is no other way so far.
Whether my husband drank a beer during my pregnancy had absolutely ZERO impact on the ill effects or consequences of pregnancy on myself or my baby. I would hate to be a in a relationship where one party is forced to suffer "a consequence" due to the discomfort or ill effects of the other.
Oh, it's worse....she would only be 5 and a half months in by the trip, so he's throwing a temper tantrum over the IDEA of going without for more than 5 months....
I agree entirely! I also got some bad feelings over the way he talks up his job and talks down her job. He kept insisting his job was more stressful, so that justifies that he deserves to drink. I'm a little scared for his wife, honestly. And it's clear giving up drinking was meant to be a SUPPORT for her, not control of him, but he cares more about him than her.
Wow everyone is looking at the woman in this situation and not the guy who is clearly the one responsible for even planning the trip I thankfully I have a real woman "who by the way would never demand me to stop drinking just she could not . that it very childish and unacceptable he should get better wife and also I dont give a c**p what anyone's opinion is on this matter again if I had busted my a*s for 2 years to have a vacation that out of my own money on top of the fact that he already pays for most of the expenses goddam right I will be enjoying some alcohol
Well, in the thread, I got the impression from his answers that he was planning on 3-4 drinks every day....so I suspect drinking might be more of a problem than op is letting on. For context, his wife will be about 5 and a half months in by the trip, so at this point, he is throwing a fit over the IDEA of going without for 5 months ...
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I disagree. It was her choice to get pregnant, too. She fully knows the consequences of carrying a child, and the husband should not suffer for no reason. I like the response of "this is like someone expecting others to not eat dessert just because they're on a diet". Same logic. There's really no reason for the husband to give up anything just because the wife can't have it.
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I'm going to be unpopular but she doesn't need to sacrifice them. A glass of wine once in a while won't affect negatively the baby
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No,its not dangerous. Dangerous when you drive to your workplace every day while pregnant . Drinking a glass of wine once like every 3-4 week won't affect the baby. Life is not that delicate, 2 deciliter of of alcohol won't ruin it
We DO know that alcohol CAN be really dangerous for a developing featus. It may or may not ruin it but we don't know for sure how much alcohol is harmful or at what development stage so the limit is set at zero. Some babies come out completely normal even if mom is on hard core drugs or drink alcohol, sure. But statistics also show that it increases risks. A lot. Some suffer extreme challenges or don't make it because of drug/alcohol use. I wouldn't gamble with that and I certainly don't recommend others to do so. There's enough research showing dangerous effects of alcohol use.
I'm concerned that he thinks he is paying for the vacation. Their money is their money. If they routinely split it up (evenly) into his/hers accounts and then each has that as discretionary and if he is then using that money for the trip (whereas she would be using her money for something else), then he is paying for the trip. Otherwise, THEY are paying for the trip. When did people start treating marriage like they are roommates?
Yeah, that irked me too. Every relationship I've heard of that had "my money" and "her money" was not a happy one.
Load More Replies... My thoughts exactly. I could never be married to a man who talks like that.
But it sounds like they both agreed to it. You can hate it, but if she agrees to separate finances, then you can't be angry at him for treating it like "his money" when that's what it is. If they lived in separate houses, it would be more clear that it's separated. Sharing a house doesn't mean sharing finances, these days. I think it's weird, and I wouldn't do it, but their agreement shouldn't be voided just because outsiders disagree, or whenever his wife deems it inconvenient. Remember, she also has her own money, and could pay for a trip, too.
It sounds like they each keep their own money. No need to split it evenly into separate accounts. That's a kinda weird assumption imo as I didn't see that mentioned and I don't think it's a common practice. He would essentially be giving her an allowance in that case. If it's his money then he's paying for it. It's not that complicated of a concept.
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